Strictly World Cup Of DAHNCE 2013 – Preliminary Round 2

A second set of voting begins.

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The Apprentice 9 – Week 4 Summary

If you’re particularly attached to calling Evolve “the girls” and Endeavour “the boys” (*eyes to Helpful Voiceover Man*) then I’m afraid this is the week when it ends. This is because it’s time for our first OFFICIAL TEAM SHUFFLE, before they start happening every week and all the fun is sucked out of them. As Natalie and Uzma are “on notice” they are sent over to Endeavour so the men can keep tabs on them, whilst getting ported into the Evolve Vortex are Jordan, Jason and Myles because…erm…they’re all the posh ones? I’m sure there’s some logic to it. Suffice it say that Evolve are now all my favourite people (plus Myles) and Endeavour are now all my not-quite-favourite people (plus Alex).

The task is to create and stock a farm shop which…I think is a task they already did way back in Series 1, but it was one of the more memorable ones, so why not? Project Managers are Neil and Luisa, and the Internet collectively ponder the fact that this means that one of them will definitely WIN but also one of them will definitely LOSE. It’s a tricky equation to be sure. Evolve’s primary product line, at Jordan’s insistence after he reminisces about how he popped his cherry in his school’s ostrich burger van, will be buffalo burgers, jacket potatoes and soup, whilst Endeavour are, at Kurt’s behest, just making loads of milkshakes. After lots of faffing around, mostly involving cows jamming their faces at camera like topless teenagers from Wisconsin on MTV’s Spring Break, the task breaks down (per the edit) into a neat reversal. PM Neil wants his subteam (led by Kurt) to spend as much money on spare produce as they can, and they ignore him and don’t. PM Luisa wants her subteam (led by Myles) to spend as little money on spare produce as they can, and they ignore him and don’t. Per the edit, Myles and Neil are right, and Evolve win, despite Luisa, after utterly burying her in the pre-results boardroom. Even JASON sticks the knife in, which has to be embarrassing.

Anyway, my actual favourite part of the task, beyond the dull mechanics of the thing, is that Luisa chooses to lock Jason in the basement to grate cheese like some sort of hairy Cinderella, and he occasionally breaks free to yell at people that he’s “GOT A SAD BAG OF POTATOES THAT I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT!” before Dr Leah and Myles jump him and drag him back downstairs. Everyone stands around gawping at Jason all day, occasionally interviewing to camera that no really, he can’t do ANYTHING, as he churns out baked potatoes that look like they’ve been through the digestive tract of a pigeon three times over. He’s such a star.

As losing PM, Neil blames Kurt for the loss solely, on the grounds that he is sexually obsessed with milkshakes. But also he brings in Uzma for the final boardroom because…well, you just WOULD wouldn’t you? And of course she goes, because Kurt has a PM win under his belt, Neil has the fact that he has been instrumental to all three of his team’s previous wins under his belt, and Uzma has nothing under her belt except possibly a concealed glue gun to fix those false eyelashes back on.

Next week : DUBAI! I CANNOT WAIT!

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A Quick & Campy Eurovision 2013 Ranking Post

The Serbian Feminazi Cupcakes WUZZROBBED.

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American Idol 2013 : Final

That demon she exorcised will be so pleased!

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The Apprentice 9 – Week 3

Even getting their box out won’t give these girls a win…

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The Apprentice 9 – Week 3 Summary

This week begins with two scenes that will live in my memory forever. First of all Jordan getting his toenails painted jet-black by Luisa. Second of all Natalie and Alex hurtling down the Apprentice staircase, elbows flying, desperately trying to score a point in Phone Answering Wars. I officially now have these people dancing specifically for my amusement. Let’s see what I can do next…

This week’s task is a Product Design task, in the field of flatpack furniture, with teams tasked with designing a Storage Space Solution. Led by Jordan, powered by Alex, the men of Endeavour produce a chair that turns into a table. Led by Natalie, powered by fumes, the girls produce…well they say a lot of things about “multi-functional” this and “adaptable” that, but in the end it turns out to be a grey box on wheels. A grey box on wheels that is somehow too complicated for the show’s design elves to put together, so they enclose a note saying “erm…you finish it”. But the important thing is that it DOESN’T REQUIRE SCREWS, unlike all those other boxes you see out there on the market. Rebecca is the only person who notices at any point that the Emperor’s box has no clothes on and is also is kind of grey, cold and ugly. Of course, absolutely nobody takes any notice of her, but I think we can all take it as a victory that she doesn’t get locked in the box then pushed down a hill going “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”, for dissent.

When it comes to selling their products, Rebecca, Luisa and Dr Leah are all the amazing sales forces that they’ve been for three episodes now, but it’s irrelevant, because they’re trying to sell a grey box on wheels, so they lose. Natalie brings back Uzma and Sophie to the boardroom, Uzma for claiming that she is able to do design when she can’t, and Sophie for claiming she can do anything at all, when she can’t. It’s left to Sophie to get the Episode 3 “well we cast you in good faith, but it appears you don’t work on reality tv on any level so BYE” firing, and she leaves in a huff, declaring herself too good for this show, then transparently pandering to public whim on You’re Fired (“OH MY GOD, I LOVE JASON, JASON IS MY BEST FRIEND! I HATED ALL THE OTHER WOMEN, AND I HOPE NEVER TO BECOME THEM!”) which is always my least favourite manner of going out on this show. I’d say she’s fooling nobody, but then 50% of the audience said firing her was a mistake so…never go broke correctly estimating that lowest common denominator, girl.

All of which makes it sound like the boys team don’t do much, but rest assured they are a masterpiece of physical comedy. Jordan visibly deflating Zeeshaan’s sales delusions, possibly with an actual pin ; Alex trying to make a sale by waggling his arse in the purchasers faces; Myles dancing around in a thong ; Jason. It’s a laugh a minute. Well…every 4 minutes or so, which is better than this stage last year so…good job guys!

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The Voice 2 : Episode 8 (Battle Rounds 2)

Sing some Tom Jones to me! NOW! YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!

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American Idol 2013 : Leatherface’s Choice/Judges’ Choice/Producers’ Choice

Stand there! Sing this! Do that!

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