Friday Randomness – International Politics Edition

I always love being present at the birth of urban legends. So I would like to confirm that it is fact, as reported in thelondonpaper that Sarah Palin actually did claim to be able to see Russia from her house.

I love Student Edition Question Time. They get the best looking politicians they can find from the main parties, that weeble lady from the Lib Dems, and a spectacularly self-righteous “student representative” (in this case a girl who claimed having ID cards were just like being in Auschwitz) and, of course, add Shami Chakrabati.

My own personal favourite quote from the by now infamous “Babes Of The BNP” article is :

In terms of the BNP’s repatriation policy on immigration, if you had to choose, who would you repatriate first – Dizzee Rascal or Tinchy Stryder?
Dizzee Rascal. I know this is gonna sound horrible, because he’s the one who’s the most, like… because, my problem is that when immigrants come over to this country, they try and bring in their own churches and languages. And I think he expresses himself more as like an African or whatever he is, whereas Tinchy Stryder is more American. That’s the difference.

Select your own. (And yes I know it’s the epitome of fish in a barrel stuff and the sort of thing that’s probably making things, but liberals need mindless fun too)

You know what’s a fun word to say? Quango. Quango, quango, quango.

Strictly Come Dancing – Other Exciting Changes

So it’s true. Alesha Dixon is to be the new judge on the next series of Strictly Come Dancing, replacing Arlene in a move that, career-wise isn’t so much shooting herself in the foot as stabbing herself in the face. Repeatedly. But that’s not all. The fated press release that brought us this joyous news also promised us further exciting changes designed to refresh and energise the show to be announced in the future. So I got my trusty Strictly moles out, and got you the scoop on these further exciting changes. After the jump.

The Tuesday 5 Point Film Post – Sex Drive

1. So I counted the number of jokes that the lead female got and I counted one. A humilation-beaver shot as she was pissing on a radiator. That’s probably more than most films in this genre but still. I guess you can count all the cat-fights? They’re jokes. When women assault each other?

2. Sex Drive has the distinction of having the worst “Big Fat Party Animal” character ever. Partially because he was an irredeemable cock-end, partly because he was not nearly enough a party animal, partly because I saw him naked far more than was necessary, but mostly because he was clearly gay. Very very gay. And not very good at playing straight.

3. Speaking of which, of all the teen sex comedies I’ve seen with the highest proportion of gay jokes. As such, it’s probably the most accurate teen sex comedy I’ve ever seen.

4. The Fall Out Boy extended cameo was embarassing. Not that it ever could ever have been anything else but they at least could have done a goo… a better song.

5. Check imdb for age of lead…checks imdb for age of lead…checks imdb for age of lead. YES! 1985! I am age-appropriate!

Big Brother 10 – Bye Bye Sree

Polyphonic Sree? Sree Nelson Mandela? Loose Sree Formation? Sree the small Calcutta-based women’s publisher in English and Bengali?

So many puns. So little reason.

Friday Randomness – Wimbledon Edition

Poor Andy Murray. Losing the right to lose to Roger Federer in the final. Now Stifler from American Pie gets to do it instead. It must burn. Ah well, there’s always next year. And the year after that. And indeed, every year after that until he’s 34.

God I love me some Williams Sisters. The bizarre quotes, the fashion lines, the fact that they’re both great big hulking slabs of women, the wacky douchebag father, the sibling psychology, the possibility that any time they’ll pull a WILLIAMS SMASH and win 6-0 6-0. I don’t understand how anyone can find the prospect of a Williams final boring. I am SALIVATING.

I’m not as convinced by Jamie Murray’s relationship with Lisa Hubel. I think she’s just a rebound girl. We all know that Jelena Jankovic is his one true love.

Not only do I not think they should ban screaming in the women’s game, I think they should broaden the scope of what’s allowed. Cat noises, celebrity impersonations, Madonna lyrics… fair game. If, instead of going “urnnnnh”, Maria Sharapova shouted “COME ON! VOGUE!” she’d probably do a lot better.

I want a monogrammed Roger Federer blazer. Just so one less can be in circulation, out in the world, actually being worn by Roger Federer.

Celebrity Masterchef – The Finallists

After the unholy mess that was this year’s Masterchef, with quite possibly the blandest, most unlikable, and forgettable Final Four in living memory I am beyond ecstatic about the finallists for Celebrity Masterchef. This is yet another reason why Celebrity Masterchef kicks Regular Masterchef’s arse so hard it’s still not able to sit down three weeks later.

Jayne Middlemiss - Probably the most typical of the finallists. Mostly unexperienced, but with a good eye for flavours, and a passion for good hearty normal down-to-earth Northern, homemade traditional Northern normal hearty normal Northern food that people actually like to eat. Has issues with presentation and not coming across like the amazing flaky psychopath she is (on the basis of Love Island when she threw herself at Lee Sharpe like lemmings throw themselves at beaches), but is rendered amazing by her screeching, juddering reaction every time anyone says anything nice about anything she does, like she’s literally shitting joy nuggets.

Iwan Thomas - Professional reality tv whore (veteran of : Deadline, Superstars, Through The Keyhole, Hole In The Wall, Best Of Friends, The Real Hustle, Celebrity Wrestling and I can guarantee Strictly Come Dancing within three series at the most) and ex European champion at running quite quickly, Iwan Thomas cooks like a bloke. And by that I don’t mean big chunky hunks of bloody meat, which is the show’s designated ideal of “cooking like a bloke”. I mean he does curries and pork chops and fish and chips and desserts revolving around bananas and ice cream. Most notable for winning a kids cookery challenge by giving them baked beans. AND BEING RIGHTLY PRAISED FOR DOING SO.

Wendi Peters : Redeeming herself for her generally surly, self-awareness free performance on Soapstar Superstar (to be fair, the judges comments were mostly “LOL FATTY!” for 7 weeks) by… being generally surly and lacking in self-awareness by cooking amazing puddings. Notable for her look of absolute fury and rage every time she does anything wrong, if Comeback Mari…Contestant Wendi can produce mains as consistently good as her amazing roast in the Sunday Roast challenge, she’s a shoe-in.

Him off Casualty : Zzzzzzzzz.

Still 3 out of 4 aint bad. Now watch him out of Casualty win. I BET YOU.

The Tuesday 5 Point Film Post – Not Quite Hollywood

1. It’s so interesting seeing just how closely the evolution of the Australian film industry mirrored the English one throughout the 60s and 70s. Seriously, you could transplant around the leads of Australian and English sex comedies and nobody would notice, except that the Australian ones had much much more bodily fluids flowing everywhere.

2. Barry Humphries is kind of amazing. It’s easy to forget amdist the lazy parody Dame Edna has become, and that ugly lecherous stint on I Wanna Be A Nancy, but in the middle of it all is someone who was awesome, and transgressive.

3. Colour me very surprised that every single film I saw that seemed misogynistic, exploitative and style over substance only by virtue of having no substance to balance out the precious little style, there popped up Quentin Tarantino to give a comment on it.

4. The thought of Nicole Kidman as a cheap Australian girl Teen Wolf rip off is almost too much to take. BMX Bandits was bad(/amazing) enough.

5. I have so many cheap films I want to see now and I never ever will. The one with the uzi hidden inside a fish, the one with Dennis Hopper barely bothering to act, the one with Robert Powell as a creept cult guy with magic powers, the one with the predatory cannibalistic lesbians. Well, the ones with the predatory cannibalistic lesbians. It’s kind of a thing.

Big Brother 10 – Bye Bye Angel

God I sound like a roadside tribute.

Friday Randomness – Michael Jackson Edition

It’s always odd when someone dies at a round number. There’s a weird rounded finallity to it. I hope I die at a round number. Somewhere in the late 100s.

Looking at all these lists of career achievements and tributes I’ve come to the conclusion that Michael Jackson to me is one of those artists like Kylie Minogue. If you asked me I’d say “yeah, I quite like them” and then I look at the songs and I don’t really want to hear any of them. Except maybe Dirty Diana. And Pretty Young Thing. And Scream a little bizarrely enough. Oh and Smooth Criminal obviously.

I will say this – looking at the current crop of Global Superstars, I don’t see anybody giving this much of a shit when Bono dies. Dude changed the face of music and celebrities in so many ways. He got black people on MTV for a start.

I know we all have to strike a pose, and my “self-consciously distanced kinda forced sang-froid” is no better than most of them. But can we all agree that “LOL HE’S DEAD! HERE’S A BUNCH OF PAEDO JOKES!” and “OH MY GOD KIDS ARE DYING IN INDIA AND NOBODY CARES! SOCIETY IS SICK!” (yes sweetheart, I’m sure you personally light a candle for them all every day) are the worst ones?

(Was it Farrah Fawcett? Because I’d been persisting with Farrah Fawceet-Majors. How embarassing…)

5 Reasons Why The Next Series Of X Factor Already Sucks A Bit Harder

1. The introduction of a live audience. Can we not have one public vote reality show that doesn’t have every live on-screen moment commentated by a cacophany of groans, squeals and animal noises? Strictly Come Dancing, Dancing On Ice, Big Brother, Britain’s Got Cat-Aids… The list is endless. They’ll probably offer the audience the chance to fly over the “jungle” on I’m A Celebrity next year lobbing empty baked bean cans at Ninia Benjamin and Marilyn (from out of the 80s).

2. Auditions are now to be done to a backing track. The performances on The X Factor are are ridiculously overblown gimmicky tacky shit. Sometimes this is a good thing (Rachel and her massive speakers and leather bar homosexuals for Dirty Diana, Rhydian and the crew of the HMS Dannii, the entire ouevre of Same Difference), sometimes a very very bad thing (any time there’s a choir of 4 year olds, and I think there were Eoghan Quigg performances last year that he wasn’t even in). But just one time per series I’d like to hear them sing. So I know they can. Not lean on a backing track as a guide.

3. The maneouvering of Cheryl Tweedy-Cole to be the new Simon Cowell. And no I will never stop calling her Cheryl Tweedy-Cole. It reminds me of Chicken Run and that makes me happy. Like Simon or not (and I lean towards “not” with every passing second) his purpose is to be the “truth-teller”. He’s spent years building up a reputation as the judge who “tells it like it is” and has the audience at least somewhat on-side in his role as judge. Cheryl Tweedy-Cole has a whole series of simpering positively at EVERYTHING and snapping the effing head of anybody who dares to criticise one her GIRLS. Like the tiny little Boss Bitch of a women’s prison. She is not Simon Cowell.

4. The refusal to let the contestants play their own instruments. I don’t get it. The idea of someone playnig their own instruments is the only one of all the many many twists they ran in the last few series that people actually liked. It broadens the scope of a performance! It shows at least a tiny interest in music as technical composition. Judging from American Idol and the history of McFly, grade 4 Spanish Guitar is enough to convince 95% of teenage girls that you’re “really talented”! It’s the only way a group is ever, ever, ever going to win. GET ON IT X Factor.

5. Louis Walsh is still there. Nuff said.