JORDAN BINGO!

Anybody planning on following James’ journey through the bowels of Celebrity Big Brother, keep the following card handy. Mark off every time one of the listed phrases or events happens, and if you get a line of five, shout out “EAT ANOTHER MARS BAR, FATTIE!”. You won’t win any money, but you can rest assured that James earned more of it for sitting on his arse for three weeks humouring a transgender boxing promoter than he ever got putting in months of hard graft on Strictly.

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Tumble

I can’t wait to find out that the past 8 years have been secretly a reality show in which celebrities compete to see who can commission the best Saturday Night BBC One Light Entertainment Line-Up. I can’t wait to see who came up with “Tonight’s The Night With John Barrowman”. I bet it was John Barrowman.

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