Nothin’ but jls hatahs.
Well, that was strange, wasn’t it?
So just like everything else I order off the Internet, that SHOCK BOOT from Brunoless Week came two weeks late then, marvellous. Marvel in shock and delight as the pre-show favourite, the dance show judge and the boyband hunk gets bounced out in TENTH PLACE. TO MOLLIE KING! Truly this is the biggest shock boot in the show’s history, not least because everyone knew that nobody really liked Gabby Logan. Everyone goes numb, everyone cries, Janette basically says “well good luck ME ever being given a ringer again” in her departure speech and we ponder how everything sits in this new Shirley Ballas era, especially as she gets to deploy her casting vote, which she absolutely swings about like a big ol’ machete OF DAHNCE.
Obviously this takes up most of the airtime but pretty much all we had on tap for other entertainment was a Stereophonics performance, so outrage away. We also got a Prince medley pro-dance, a few dances revealed for next week (Alex on Argentine Tango, Jonnie on foxtrot, Joe on rumba, Gemma on Viennese Waltz), and a Dance Debrief that focuses on Gemma’s salsa lifts to a level of detail that I’m sure none of us ever wanted to see ever again, not least Gemma. Shirley does get one ding in on Claudia’s posture though, so that’s reached the status of beloved running gag, hooray.
Still. Aston though. 10th place. Hoo.
In the words of Darcey “well that was strange wasn’t it?”. She was talking about Craig literally hurling himself prostrate at Debbie McGee’s feet, but really it could have been about any number of bizarre happenings tonight. Let’s start indeed with Debbie, getting the earliest 40 ever for a tango to the Black Eyed Peas. Personally I lived for it, but I can see people being very “…but it was to the BLACK EYED PEAS?!” about it. Never mind, it was her birthday. Also strange? A duelling face-off between Jonnie and Gemma as to who could do the worst salsa. Really it depends about whether you care about basic technique (Jonnie was worse), quality of lifts (Gemma was worse) or having to witness men flagrantly and unnessarily flashing their tits for votes (Jonnie was either worse or better, depending on your perspective). Also strange? Mollie’s foxtrot, hyped to the moon all week as the most obvious comeback since Rachel Stevens popped her head back through the door for a tour or a Christmas Special, all “OH HI! IT’S ME AGAIN! CAN I GET A 40 FOR THE RUMBA THIS TIME NO? OH WELL NEVER MIND”, pushed out in the death slot and getting indifferent to poor scores, despite AJ having choreo’d it to the hilt for Shirley Ballas Rolls Royce points. Also strange? Davood ACTUALLY having that breakthrough comeback, owning the Pimp Slot with a light and bright and breezy American Smooth that featured the first lifts of the entire series in which nobody was almost maimed. Also strange? Aston being in the Bottom 2 on the leaderboard for yet another Janette Ballroom Special that was a bit…like all the other Janette ballroom specials you’ve ever seen. Which sounds like a predictable happening but I can’t quite believe they actually went there. Also strange? Kevin Clifton’s testicles flying around like the clappers in dungarees for Susan’s jive to This Ole House, which gets her almost (but not quite) back to the scoring levels of her quickstep despite it featuring quite frankly overenthusiastic abuse of her paint rollers. Strangest of all? Ruth’s paso doble, which makes her samba look like it was positively played straight, featuring stair-climbing, rose-rossing, an actual break of the fourth wall to include the singers, and frankly the most erotic end-pose in Strictly history.
Not really strange? Alexandra getting a 39 for a cha cha and Joe doing well in the Charleston. Some things, at least, you can still see coming.
It’s alright Flo, Put the Deed Poll form away, you’re safe.
Return of the Mac (thanks to Oti).