I’ve had a few people ask whether we’re recapping Sewing Bee this year, including somebody sending a message request on Facebook (I wasn’t being rude! I don’t know how Facebook works! I only go on there to play Criminal Case in the morning to wake myself up!), so I just thought I’d clarify that we are not. This covid-19 lockdown has left some people with too little work to do to keep themselves solvent, and some people with too much, and believe me, I’m in the latter group. Drag Race airs at a nice convenient time to get a recap done in a couple of free hours at the weekend, and Sewing Bee does not, and started later, so it got the rough end of the deal.
Rest assured though, Esme relentlessly and remorselessly bullying Fiona to death over the course of three episodes? Iconic. Alex ALWAYS standing in dancer position, because he’s a ballroom dancer who does ballroom dancing and makes all his own ballroom dancing outfits? Iconic. That one challenge where Esme didn’t have a fucking clue what food any of these children’s mannequins were meant to be dressed as, and Patrick only knew because they were visibly feeding him lines from off camera? Iconic. Therese’s grapes outfit from that self same challenge that looked like raw haemorrhoids and still somehow won Garment Of The Week? Iconic. Ali being in the top THREE WEEKS IN A ROW with ABSOLUTELY HIDEOUS outfits and then getting eliminated on an outfit that was…also hideous? Iconic. Hazel’s entirely random elimination? NOT ICONIC but we’ll allow it anyway. That preview for next week with Clare appearing out of an invisi-edit to announce that she OWNS 51% OF THIS COMPANY? Iconic. Nicole generally? Iconic. Liz being to the 1990s what Austin Powers was to the 1960s? Iconic. Mark, just, Mark, me liking Mark’s energy, extremely final 3 vibes for Mark please, remember when he tried to think of something cute and witty and light and saucy to say about the thought of Patrick Grant in rugby shorts and basically just ended up saying “raw me daddy” live on BBC One craft-reality, that sort of energy? Iconic. The Palazzo pants challenge where the judges said “NO VISIBLE POCKETS PLEASE!” and three of the sewers made visible pockets because they thought they were being fresh and then Esme and Patrick asked them all WHY THE FUN HAVE YOU DONE VISIBLE POCKETS, BOTTOM THREE FOR YOU GUYS! Matt’s sheer frazzled constant eager-to-please haplessness and his mysterious veiled relationship with Miss Martini (you’d better treat him right Miss Martini!) Iconic. The phrases “Flash Of Flamingo Dungarees” and “Abstract Cotton Sleep Set”? Iconic.
I’m just not going to be writing about any of it.