Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the stage, for one last number…
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FIFTY! FIVE! PROS!
Those of you still reading may remember that at the start of the year I put up a blog post saying that my blogging days were coming to an end, but that I would be going out on a (possible) high by doing one last series of Strictly. Since then the Universe has basically repeatedly hopped in saying “are you suuuuuuuuuuuuuure?”. Kevin and AJ, two of the most…content providing pros leave, the coronavirus strikes and makes us all miserable, the coronavirus strikes and makes me feel like it’d be a bit rotten making fun of what will no doubt be a show doing its best under very testing circumstances and necessarily coming up with a compromised end-product, the coronavirus striking and making me very very very busy at work, the coronavirus striking and making it impossible to tell when this series is even going to start and under what format…a lot of stuff, mostly, let’s face it, regarding coronavirus.
And on Friday came the two final straws that broke the camel’s back – firstly, after over a decade of letting me run endless pointless polls on this blog for free, wordpress have decided they’re going to start charging for the privilege, and secondly, and infinitely more importantly, the news that there’s going to be NO BRUNO this year. Either because of, yes, coronavirus travel restrictions, OR because he’s finally found D of such high quality in LA that one week a winter is no longer enough.
At any rate, the upshot is that sadly, I won’t be recapping this year’s series of Strictly, mostly on the grounds that if you’re not going to be doing something properly (ie with polls on whose face when they’re called safe most looks lime they’re cumming) then it’s not worth doing, and the last piece of #content that will be shared on this blog will be the results of the Pro Poll 2020. WordPress at least having allowed me to get that in before they turn the taps off. The countdown begins next week, get yourselves ready.
Look, at least they settled on one winner this time. It’s progress.
Just in time for Netflix to fail to get All Stars up!
Being a ranking of all 237 competitors in this year’s Strictly World Cup.
A really difficult ranking!
I’ve had a few people ask whether we’re recapping Sewing Bee this year, including somebody sending a message request on Facebook (I wasn’t being rude! I don’t know how Facebook works! I only go on there to play Criminal Case in the morning to wake myself up!), so I just thought I’d clarify that we are not. This covid-19 lockdown has left some people with too little work to do to keep themselves solvent, and some people with too much, and believe me, I’m in the latter group. Drag Race airs at a nice convenient time to get a recap done in a couple of free hours at the weekend, and Sewing Bee does not, and started later, so it got the rough end of the deal.
Rest assured though, Esme relentlessly and remorselessly bullying Fiona to death over the course of three episodes? Iconic. Alex ALWAYS standing in dancer position, because he’s a ballroom dancer who does ballroom dancing and makes all his own ballroom dancing outfits? Iconic. That one challenge where Esme didn’t have a fucking clue what food any of these children’s mannequins were meant to be dressed as, and Patrick only knew because they were visibly feeding him lines from off camera? Iconic. Therese’s grapes outfit from that self same challenge that looked like raw haemorrhoids and still somehow won Garment Of The Week? Iconic. Ali being in the top THREE WEEKS IN A ROW with ABSOLUTELY HIDEOUS outfits and then getting eliminated on an outfit that was…also hideous? Iconic. Hazel’s entirely random elimination? NOT ICONIC but we’ll allow it anyway. That preview for next week with Clare appearing out of an invisi-edit to announce that she OWNS 51% OF THIS COMPANY? Iconic. Nicole generally? Iconic. Liz being to the 1990s what Austin Powers was to the 1960s? Iconic. Mark, just, Mark, me liking Mark’s energy, extremely final 3 vibes for Mark please, remember when he tried to think of something cute and witty and light and saucy to say about the thought of Patrick Grant in rugby shorts and basically just ended up saying “raw me daddy” live on BBC One craft-reality, that sort of energy? Iconic. The Palazzo pants challenge where the judges said “NO VISIBLE POCKETS PLEASE!” and three of the sewers made visible pockets because they thought they were being fresh and then Esme and Patrick asked them all WHY THE FUN HAVE YOU DONE VISIBLE POCKETS, BOTTOM THREE FOR YOU GUYS! Matt’s sheer frazzled constant eager-to-please haplessness and his mysterious veiled relationship with Miss Martini (you’d better treat him right Miss Martini!) Iconic. The phrases “Flash Of Flamingo Dungarees” and “Abstract Cotton Sleep Set”? Iconic.
I’m just not going to be writing about any of it.
A NEW WINNER!