Being the sixth iteration of this blog’s annual audit of the pros.
Congratulations to Jay, the first male contestant ever to win one of these annual polls, congratulations to Alesha for being top girl, Aliona for having two contestants in the final, Aljaz for being the male pro whose contestants performed the best overall on average on this poll, and Natalie for being able to say the same for the women. Congratulations all round!
Being a ranking of all 177 competitors in this year’s Strictly World Cup in order of finish.
Invention Test Fresh off his now infamous stated goal of coming on Celebrity Masterchef to learn to cook ice cream, Gleb is faced with a French themed mystery box of delights containing duck, bacon, sausage, snails, truffles, cheese, mushroom and pears. He opts to make…a pancake. With some fruit in it. Thanks to some antiques guy who I don’t recognise (and, due to the fact he’s this episode’s boot, I’m never going to bother to learn to), piling up everything in the box on one plate on top of a croissant, he is not the worst of the round. Meanwhile Gregg and John spend the whole time making fun of how vain he is whilst somehow managing to miss
the fact that Gleb’s lip fillers make Leslie Ash’s look subtle. It takes an eye for that sort of thing I guess.
Kitchen Round Gleb gets given a fish dish to prepare. He is quite good at it. It is the kitchen round so it’s quite boring. Unlike Natalie Lowe, Gleb doesn’t set anything on fire. He says “boom” once.
Elimination Round : Gleb’s divine laziness continues into the Elimination Round, where he makes a Russian salad (bits of veg and bits of sausage and mayo) with a vodka shot for starters and a Rusian burger (like a normal burger but with no bun, with mushroom sauce and little bits of carrot cut into stars) for the main. He sails handily on into the next round, thanks to the fact that Antiques Guy serves up a
bowl of turds, and Little Jimmy Osmond serves up
this. Frankly terrifying. We learn in this round that Gleb high fives more aggressively than most people do their murders.
Relay Round : The Relay Round on Masterchef takes the following form
1. Based on a set of mystery ingredients, Contestant A chooses what two dishes to make and spends 25 minutes cooking it, all whilst Contestant B is hidden away backstage
2. Contestant B emerges, Contestant A is whisked back into their hole, and Contestant B continues cooking for 25 minutes having to either guess Contestant A’s intentions or over-ride them with better ones
3. Contestant A comes back out, and they finish the dish off together.
Placed in a team with tv presenter Cherry Healey (think Stacey Dooly but 8% less crap) (yes Gleb did somehow end up on a team with the only other woman in his heat why do you ask), Gleb continues his…laidback approach, and lets her take the lead in deciding what two dishes to make, with the given proviso that the main centre around turkey and the dessert around blackberries, cranberries or gooseberries. Such faith seems misplaced when Cherry decides to do a blueberry based dessert despite their complete absence from the bench, and also to utter the words “with potato wedges” about the main. MASTERCHEF Cherry, not Dinner Lady Idol. Still Gleb manages to go one better, when, having emerged for Part 2 on the above plan, he’s too lazy to look at anything below the countertop, missing entirely that Cherry has placed the main elements of both her planned dishes (roast turkey & veg, poached figs & “blueberry” sauce) in the oven already. Presumably because Gleb is used to a constant heat pumping out around crotch level and so doesn’t notice it. Fortunately Cherry just about manages to salvage things before Gleb sets the kitchen on fire.
The Sofa Slump Round :
The Mass Catering Round :
“We’ve got minced beef, so we can do a really good bolognese with tons of veg!”
“…OK so we do meatballs”
Despite the…continuing communication mishaps between Gleb and Cherry, resulting in Gleb walking around with
this face on the whole time, presumably angling for a featured role in Zoolander 3, he has a secret weapon in this round – yet another traditional Russian dish he just made up now in his head. Shortbread stuffed with cottage cheese! BOOM! GLEB SPECIAL! Literally the entire round is spent with everyone boggling at whether the British Men’s Hockey Team are going to be able to stomach Gleb’s biscuits…and then they can! They are in fact the best dish of the entire round, which is fortunate for Gleb because they’re the only input he has other than turning the hob on for the pasta water. Otherwise Gleb’s most notable contribution for this round is causing the team to run out of spaghetti twice because he’s too generous with handing it out. Not the first time Gleb’s got in trouble because he’s been too generous with his lengthy noodle.
The Chris Perves On The British Men’s Hockey Team Round :
Elimination Round 2 Unfortunately, when faced with the daunting task of cooking for Michelin Star chef de cuisine Christopher Biggins, Gleb collapses, serving up accidentally raw salmon on accidentally raw couscous followed up with a chocolate potato. Cherry, Jimmy, and Suprise Health Nazi Audley Harrison sail on into the next round, and Gleb’s Masterchef Journey concludes.
And that is the last we will ever see of him.
Everyone gather round your tv sets with the stepmother to your children and let the healing begin.
AKA “what the dickens is this even supposed to look like” week.