ONE DOWN, FOURTEEN TO GO.
Has the ho ever gone out first before? I’m guessing not.
A hotch-potch hokey-pokey hobby-lobby patched together recap thingummy for MARATHON WEEK!
We open our results show with a tribute to the feminininity of our lady pros (and Joanne), which means a lot of pink wash camera and billoughing white sheets and Janette spending a clear three minutes swinging from a harness. Afterwards Tess tells us all that the routine was shot with 360 degree coverage from every angle, and you can see the results on the show’s website. If you want to try to see anyone’s knickers in particular. Next week – the boys show off their masculinities. You know, more than they already are in those trousers.
After the news that the recap of the previous nights events is totally twisted out of all sense and order (AND ALSO GREG HAS A BEARD, GIVE ME TIME TO DIGEST THIS) we get ANOTHER celebration of our sexy female pros, as they all gyrate around looking sexy and a bit hacked off as Rod Stewart (STILL WEARING LEOPARDPRINT SOMEHOW, AT HIS AGE, LIKE, EVEN BET LYNCH HAD GIVEN UP AT THIS POINT) wheezes and squeaks his way through a brand new song. It’s called “Please” and is about as needy as that sounds. Len’s Glans (yes that again) meanwhile focuses on further shaming Georgia for her lack of heel leads, giving us a close up of Craig in a big pink ladies hat, and has Darcey talk us even further through the many intricacies and pros and cons of Helen’s ballet history. TEN MORE WEEKS OF THIS TO GO (ish)!!!
Finally, after our first two rounds of Safety Sex Faces of the series (and a truly spectacular ghost noise out of Helen) our bottom 2 are Jamelia and Iwan which…is pretty much my ideal scenario, so good job voters. Unsurprisingly, it’s Iwan who gets the flick, because, let’s face it, we’re all in shock he even had the time to turn up to the Results Show. It’s probably the most satisfying First Boot in a while, because it’s not just some poor old duffer who barely knew he was here, and as if to make us even less sad he’s going, Iwan picks up Ola and shakes her til her boobs fall out again probably. BYEEE.
Next Week : Movie Week – Ainsley is a penguin and Daniel is Danny Zuko and nothing else matters.
OK, I’m not doing everybody one by one this week because there’s fifteen of the buggers, the thing would be the length of an actual Quarter Final recap and lord knows nobody wants that, let’s try this :
People Who The Judges Said Did Worse This Week Than Last Week : The marks are actually a little higher this week than last week, although it doesn’t feel like it, mostly because Len is giving the bottom half of his scoring range a good work out for a change (only down as low as a 4 though, he doesn’t want to give himself a hernia). Iwan gets it in the neck the worst, for a cha cha to “Sexy And I Know It” that features him ripping off several layers of hot pink clothing and rolling around on the floor and then reality tv’ing at 100mph about how he JUST WANTED TO GIVE IT HIS ALL and HE DOESN’T WANT TO GO HOME TONIGHT and goosing the audience for cheers like someone announcing the local football team on the live tour for a cheap pop. It’s pretty grim stuff to be honest. Georgia and Anthony meanwhile both suffer mishaps translating from energecting goofy jive to elegant waltz, the former because she tries a Natalie-Lowe Head Roll without quite being ready for it and gives herself whiplash, and the latter because…you know…the whole broken arm thing. Still Oti has choreographed them as exactly the same fun young couple as last week but hitting a rough spot, so that’s nice. I hope she’s planning a wedding foxtrot for week 4, a full live birth on stage for week 6, and a showdance set in the afterlife as they shuffle off into the eternity on zimmers. The judges also decide that Jeremy isn’t quite so charming in American Smooth mode as cha cha mode which is odd because they look exactly the same to me. I do have some trouble fathoming why their routine to Happy Together is set in a library, but if it stops Karen Clifton’s constant yapping then I’m all for it. Finally Daniel drops a point from last week for a horse-racing themed Charleston based around the world of debauchery according to Daniel O Donnell (GAMBLING! ONE GLASS OF SUPERMARKET OWN-BRAND CHAMPAGNE! LADIES IN THE NIP!). But given that he can’t move his face, at all, only losing one mark feels like a kind of triumph.
People Who The Judges Said Did As Well This Week As Last Week : The tables are turned with Jamelia and Kirsty in the Latin because, whilst they’re both still crap, Kirsty’s is the more joyous performance this week. She leaps around in the air flapping around like Elizabeth Berkley getting a jacuzzi shag in Showgirls, flapping her skirt and trying gamely to look sexy, whilst Jamelia just does some rote stomping around with crap hair to The Pussycat Dolls. One-all I think. Peter and Helen’s battle of the “frontrunners who aren’t quite as good as they’re painted” at the other end of the leaderboard comes down to two more full-on performance from the face and some…weird stuff going on down below, as Helen’s ballet hips come out in full-force in an Uptown Girl cha cha that, yes, features Aljaz as a greasy mechanic, and Peter does his level best to repeatedly knee himself in the face throughout his 60s housewife themed quickstep to Valerie. Wot was Alesha’s quickstep song lest we forget. Hands off Andre. If I see you doing anything to Memory, you’re on The List. Finally, Anita and Kellie tussle and come out evens with the panel yet again, as Kellie and Kevin and Kevin’s Glasses and Kevin’s MASSIVE ARSE do a throwback Seaside Special Cha Cha to Elton John and Kiki Dee complete with cones of chips and pratfalls a plenty, and Anita and Gleb do a gangster and moll tinged Charleston to Pencil Full Of Lead (again) which really pisses off Len and Bruno for some reason, although that’s nothing as compared to Darcey calling it “contemporary” as the two of them stand there dressed like Bugsy Malone.
People Who The Judges Say Did Better This Week Than Last Week : Which just leaves Ainsley (camp as tomato-tits salsa which features no technique at all, but lots of filthy gyrations and Natalie doing the dance equivalent of milking the last note of a big number til the last drop), Carol (a foxtrot that was billed as an American Smooth but which appears to have slowly merged into a foxtrot over the course of the week as she clings ever tighter to Pasha, in which she grips a brolly throughout), and probably most particularly Katie (Anton mangling Telephone by Lady Gaga into a PROPAH TANGO, complete with full body swoons off the chaise longue and smoking jackets) to climb onwards and upwards. The GREATEST improvement of the week though, belongs to Jay. Or more specifically Jay’s hairdresser, as he gets a Tyra Banks makeover to mould his hair into a much more Saturday Tea-Time friendly shape. His waltz is mostly as you’d expect – Aliona hamming the living life out of the contemporary bits and wafty arms and hoping the fact that his hold looks a bit funny and his face still looks a bit constipated throughout goes unnoticed. I bet she’s already salivating at the thought of their American Waft.
On the combined leaderboard it’s much the same as last week – any one of Ainsley, Anthony, Carol, Daniel, Iwan, Jamelia, Jeremy or Kirsty in danger, but with plenty of ties to keep things muddy. The most important thing about the results show though is that someone sort out Claudia’s eye make-up, cause she looks like a flipping racccoon.
This latest Good Morning Britain rebrand is certainly…different.
For the first time in a while, Anton comes out victorious on the back nine…