FILTH FILTH NOTHING BUT FILTH
North vs South, Posh vs Relatable, Yin vs Yang, Showmance vs Yer What? Don’t Be Daft, serenity vs ferocity, dance-off brawler vs public favourite, Mollie vs Gemma, I’ve never been more excited.
The Terrible Haunting of Miss Mollie King.
Opening with an episode featuring both Mollie & AJ and Debbie & Giovanni, and yet the segment that convinced us that there truly was a romance on the show this year didn’t feature either of them…
And so the stars did move, the planets alligned, and at the very last minute we did in fact get the Gemma vs Mollie dance-off I’ve been rooting for all series. At least, for as long as Brian was safely eliminated (sorry Brian). And the dance draw made it a particularly good one, with sweetheart daffy posh bird Mollie on a sweet, sappy, elegant, showmance twirly waltz and pure grit Northern bird Gemma on a ferocious, stompy, snarling, tango in which she looks like she wants to remove Aljaz’s head at all times. What a perfect scrap. So it’s a bit of a shame the judges don’t take it to its logical conclusion and make it a 2-2 split with Shirley forced to choose between her showmance faves and (sorry, again) the better dancers. Instead it’s a clean sweep for Gemma, with Mollie going home, and Tess getting whatever the lady equivalent of blue balls is waiting for some closure on their PURE AND BEAUTIFUL ROMANCE.
Elsewhere Joe reveals his showdance is going to be themed around fairy tales, Alexandra reacts to getting through to the final like she reacted to EVERYTHING on X Factor, and Debbie thanks Giovanni for giving her her sparkle back. Oh and Dance Debrief for some reason gets a Best Bits. Don’t ask me. Our guest performances are Craig David ft Dan Bastille and also a bunch of 12 year olds doing breakdancing for a pro dance which features Anton’s worst performance yet. Just…stop it guys. Please. Anton cannot hip hop. He can’t!
So let’s take this alphabetically :
Alexandra Burke : If any of our final five stick to the script we’d all written in our heads for them tonight it’s Alexandra. Yes they talk endlessly about the awful week she’s had in the press, yes she’s top of the leaderboard, yes she’s VERY gushy and OTT about it, yes there’s a lot of slow motion footage of her looking sad, yes they overmarked a Viennese Waltz that was slightly lacking in elegance and grace quite a bit, yes she came out and nailed her salsa and yes she will be in the final. Also fortunately, yes Gorka did get his chest out for desperation’s sake, HOORAY!
Debbie McGee : Debbie’s night also mostly goes to plan, although her jive is an even bigger hot mess than even I imagined it could be as it’s not so much “I’m So Excited” as “I’m So Exorcised” as she bounces, gibbers, and generally flings herself around the dancefloor like Pazuzu himself is exiting her body. Fortunately for my nerves, she then comes out and nails the foxtrot, although Craig does still find that dusty old 10 Second Rule somewhere in the back of his sack to haul out again. Oh Craig. Winning a dance-off seems her most likely endpoint tonight, buut we shall see.
Gemma Atkinson : Of everyone, Gemma feels like the one who most excelled her own standards tonight. Her rumba is maybe a little clompy physically, but more light and romantic emotionally than you might have expected, and her tango is a gloriously stroppy rocky romp, with amazingly coiffed hair and a constant snarl. Dynamically there’s not much storyline here, other than, you know, she’s trying hard and getting better at dancing, but if we’re coming out of tonight asking “who deserves to go home?”, then on a dancing level Gemma did enough to continue with her charmed run through the show.
Joe McFadden : An odd night for Joe, with an American Smooth that alternated between the fun and light and the awkward and fumbly, and an Argentine Tango that was either an avant-garde masterpiece or a load of old pretentious tut, depending on your perspective. What it put me most in mind of was Danny Mac’s Showdance from last year, so take that as you will. His fanbase should see him safe, but it was a disorientating evening above anything else.
Mollie King : Mollie on the other hand, has an absolute mare. Her samba is somehow even worse than it looked on It Takes Two, just a lot of wiggling and thrashing and skipping about under an absolute mass of out of control HAIR everywhere, and when set up to do a waltz surrounded by candles that is clearly meant to be the culmination of her romance with AJ, garlanded with a Shirley 10, she freezes up. It’s not a disaster, and actually in many ways her best ballroom since her Viennese, but it’s not enough for her and she spends the end of the night in floods of tears wailing about her dream crumbling before her eyes. Will that be enough to motivate her voters? We shall see.
There are so many iconic Monkseal polls that I do occasionally lose track. King of All Pros. Who Do You Want To Win? Favourite Movie Week Movie. Which celebrity is most like which member of Blazin Squad? So it’s unsurprising that sometimes I lose track, and forget to include them. And in this case I have denied you of the chance to name your favourite Final Five ever. So erm… here you go.