Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Final Results Summary

Katie is, unsurprisingly given that as the lights came up for the second HALF I’d genuinely forgotten she was even still in, out in 4th, meaning that the closest Anton will ever get to a 10 paddle is when he takes over as Head Judge from Len in 5 years time. It’s sad, because I was looking forward to seeing their Viennese Waltz again, but both of them just seem pleased and slightly baffled to have even made the final.

From there…filler, filler lots of filler. The public telling us what their favourite moments were, Claudia being pushed to say that she liked Iwan because nobody else will do it, the judges all sat around a log fire in their best Christmas jumpers saying that all of the finalists are amazing now that old Drunky off of Radio Pensioner has buggered off, and any of them would be worthy winners but Craig and Len think maybe that Kellie would be more worthy than the others wink wink and of course best of all the RETURNING CELEBS DANCE! I say “dance”, it’s mostly just everyone dry-humping their personal favourite prop and hoping for the best. My favourite part is probably the part where Jamelia is front and centre being treated like a star whilst Peter Andre awkwardly shuffles his feet by the stairs. But then I would say that.

Those Contestants Favourites then? Jay selects the paso doble and whilst he definitely, as is his stated aim, shows improvement from the first time, with increased awareness shown to Aliona and slightly more strength in his movements…it’s still not his jive and I spend the whole thing thinking it’s not his jive. Almost as though this is the sort of dance that should be chosen for Judges Choice rather than week 1 tangos and quicksteps choreographed on the back of a fag packet isn’t it? This just leaves Kellie and Georgia to reprise their Charlestons, and despite Kevin grubbing for STAR WARS points, Kellie is pretty comprehensively overshadowed by Georgia’s effort, which gives her one of the nicest send-offs of anybody of the evening, even though in all honesty it was probably too late to leave her finishing anywhere other than 3rd.

The winner? Jay & Aliona, as most of us knew it would be before the judges threw so much sand from Grimsby Beach in our faces tonight to try to distract us. On one level it was worth it to make tonight a little more exciting (certainly both Jay and Aliona don’t look like they were expecting it), on the other, knowing that Kellie & Kevin’s tango outscored Denise & Ian’s, James & Camilla’s, Zoe & Ian’s, Louisa & Vincent’s, Alesha & Matthew’s, Austin & Erin’s, Rachel & Vincent’s, Kara & Artem’s, Jason & Kristina’s, Louis & Flavia’s, Pixie & Trent’s, Frankie & Kevin’s, Jay & Aliona’s, heck, even Katie & Anton’s (and that’s just scratching the surface) just for a bit of a cheap thrill is a heavy price to pay.

Still well done Jay & Aliona, the first pro to win twice. Even in this YEAR OF THE WOMAN SQUARED, Darcey got her man.

Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Final Performance Summary

Well that was a bit of a rum do.

After an opening pro-celeb group number that mostly involves everyone running around backstage to “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” (again, some more, because we cannot get through one series without one person at least doing a dance to that song) we’re right into *shudder* Judges Redemption Arc Choices. Jay has quickstep (because they made a mess of it), Georgia has rumba (because Len had a strop about the choreography) Katie has quickstep (because she made a mess of it) and Kellie has tango (because *shrug*). They’re all about the same degree of slightly better than they were last time, but apparently for Kellie alone that’s worth a perfect score because…well, it’s that sort of evening.

But let’s face it, we’re here for the Showdances. Always the only interesting things to happen in the first half of the finale these days, mostly for the trainwreck factor. Katie’s is the Overwhelming Trainwreck, as Anton throws everything and the kitchen sink at a tango/paso mash-up to O Fortuna, complete with flamethrowers, the band screaming like they’ve just spotted aliens flying over the studio, and Katie vamping it up to 11. It’s…not very good, but it is high drama, turned up to 11. Jay’s is the Underwhelming Trainwreck, as after the undeniably arresting sight of him starting the dance actually upside-down and dangling from the ceiling like Spiderman, it then just devolves into a lot of in-the-club moves combined with bits of rumba and Charleston and tiny specks of jive flecked throughout. It’s kind of dull, making Aliona now 3 for 3 with disappointing showdances. Georgia’s is the Pretentious Trainwreck, with her dancing to Fix You by Coldplay complete with a storyline in which Giovanni LITERALLY CURES HER OF BLINDNESS, WITH HIS LOVE OF DAHNCE(/penis). It’s less contempowafty in content than you might expect from the song but exactly as contepowafty in spirit. Which just leaves Kevin alone to, for the third year in the row, actually aim his Showdance directly at the target audience, with a Lindy Hop to Ding Dong Diddy Daddies or something like that. It’s not worked before, and to be honest Kellie’s dancing of it is leaden as anything, but compared to the other messes tonight it stands out as at least delivering what the tin says, even if the tin says something as underwhelming as “Strictly Showdance”.

The upshot of this? As we go into the second half the final looks like it’s turned into a two horse race between Kellie and Jay where before it looked to be the biggest one pony canter in Strictly history. I bet Aliona’s maybe regretting that whole “our jive is too perfect to be sullied be a Strictly Final” line now…