The 5th iteration, and big changes are afoot. Inspired by Sophie Ellis-Bextor doing the improbable and up-ending Kara Tointon from her position as Strictly’s Queen Of Summer (Polling), I’ve looked at the annual Pro Poll and decided to make a major change to how it works. Now, like all big changes to grand intitutions, there’s a chance this alteration may alienate and confuse you at first, but I think if we work together we can make this an exciting and novel way of evaluating our ever-growing crop of dance professionals moving forwards (backwards, sideways, in heels, occasionally up towards the ceiling for a bit, or whatever). So if you’re ready, press the button, and find out more.
TWO WEEKS TIL BAKE-OFF (but three weeks til the end of this, oops timing)
Invention Test : Natalie Lowe creates garlic and salt and garlic and pepper and garlic squid and garlic, and serves it with mango salsa on toast. She is perky and upbeat at all times, particularly towards fellow Strictly Series 8 Survivor Scott Maslen, who is sporting hair that looks like whatever lives on Bruce Forsythe’s head and whatever lives on Donald Trump’s head mated. With a LOT OF LUBE.
Kitchen Round : Natalie Lowe as an Australian is trusted with the bbq, by which I mean she gets to wave a blowtorch around insanely whilst yelling panto catchphrases and talking like a pirate for no reason. She perkily claims at the end that she really thinks she’s mastered the dish she’s been chosen to make (which appears to be a lamb cutlet with ketchup squirted over it), even as the chef screams at her from halfway across the kitchen that she’s forgotten a key ingredient.
Final Round : For her main course Natalie serves up half a lobster on some pasta, which she seasons with far too much chilli. She perkily grins that she loves spice, as John Torode collapses to the floor clutching his throat and perspiring out of every orifice. Her dessert is burnt pancakes with fruit. She is eliminated over Keith Chegwin.
And that was Natalie Lowe’s Masterchef Journey.
Yet more meaningless sideshow awards for Katya!
With your host, Miss Cilla Black.