Here’s the dances from tonight. Like the judges, I’ve put them in an entirely random order!
Alex – a biker themed tango that, whilst not actively unpleasant, should probably put an end to any speculation that she might win this series once and for all, to be honest
Saffron – some very nice contempolifts, but mostly rolling around looking like she didn’t hear her alarm, is 20 minutes late for her work bus, and can’t find her smart jeans. After all this, she runs over to her nan and pokes her in the eye to get her to cry on camera, possibly. If she didn’t the cameraman possibly whacked her in the face sprinting over to film it, so either way…
David – if we’re honest, a really bad quickstep, as endearing as he is, that then gets overmarked up the bum to the extent that I wonder if the judges shouldn’t just have a special Immunity Card they can use once per series, for improvement
Chris – the APOTHEOSIS of his “stomp around whilst staring at Karen” dance-style, in the jive, like, he’s not ever going to get better at it than this, good job, whack those moles, whack them with your feet
Karim – a very good tango!
Mike – sprints around the floor to Come On Eileen like a balloon with all the air let out of it, after which Katya has a really weird full body nervous breakdown all over the floor for some reason that’s a bit awkward to watch to be honest, sorry, we know I love a bit of melodrama but this was fully embarrassing
Will – Janette does her best to choreograph around the fact that, in Will’s own words, he “has no ankles” in the foxtrot. It’s mostly a success, just by sheer power of audience goodwill other than the bits where she really can’t avoid him being in hold, but also leads to me wondering how Will will cope in future dances involving…well, feet
Kelvin – a very good rumba!
Catherine – GAY (featuring Catherine)
Emma W – a very ladylike Kids In America jive, a bit like she’s been dragged up at a wedding against her will, and then the judges pretend she’s suddenly a WILD AND CRAZY WOMAN
Michelle – an “authentic” salsa (ie borin’ as shit) in one of the worst outfits ever seen on this show!
Emma B – wandering around doing Mary Mad Eyes like she’s performing to the back row of the theatre, a theatre she’s not in, which is also on the moon. Occasionally does a bit of Viennese Waltz, and it’s a bit wobbly to be honest.
Dev – whatever generic club cha cha was left over after Saffron and Alex both had a pick at it two weeks ago, and he doesn’t do it much better than either of them.
After this, the judges put everyone’s name on a little bit of paper, throw them all up in the air, into a leafblower, and then call it the leaderboard! Your guess as to why is as good as mine, who’s going to get to feel ripped off when they go home instead of the person who probably should have, WHO CARES, THAT’S RYLAN’S PROBLEM!
The mighty mighty Monk Seal 
Seriously what was that scoring?? I guess the last two dance offs have been a bit predictable and boring but still…
I agree, very strange scoring – Mike’s, really? And I mean, David did improve a lot, but doesn’t mean you go throwing round crazy scores compared to others. Think definitely trying to change the bottom ones around a bit and give them some hope, so isn’t as obvious who will be in the dance off again.
Felt bad for Alex when Motsi said ‘we’re never going to be extremely happy with your dance so just have fun’ – guess that’s the nail on the coffin for her and Neil…!
Brilliant recapping so far, thoroughly enjoying reading it.
I feel like the show knows X Factor is on and therefore is trying to big everyone up a bit too much this week. If you stripped a point each away, per judge from each couple tonight (with the exception of Kelvin, who was technically exceptional and David, who was a 5 at best) , I think that would be a more accurate scoreboard.
Hopefully the madness is over next week and we resume a more normal service.
There are military juntas in Honduras who’d be shocked at the lack of integrity tonight. I know it was all about generating ratings for the Results Show but one of the reasons viewers fall out of love with shows like this is when they can see all the machinations (and the ratings are seriously dipping).
Improv and storylining workshops: I’m starting to think Eastenders Emma might actually be Anton’s penance.
Couple’s Choice needs to die. And going Pat Cash on your relatives in the audience had better not become a thing.
For the second week in a row Kelvin’s trousers have blended in with the background, and, considering about half a million people are tuning in just for the contents of Kelvin’s trousers, Vicky Gill needs to sort this.
Anyway, forget Kelvin and Oti, what was Aljaz doing to the Viscountess up against that wall? It looked feral. Loved the Viscount’s ‘Is this really what the workers do with their Saturdays?’ expression.
Alex is incredibly dull but Neil is surprisingly bearable as an active pro. Katya, on the other hand, has possibly rocketed into position as my all time least favourite. The fug of desperation is embarrassing.
Yes the random run up to the wall to do *that* and then jump down to continue a very clean-cut jive came out of nowhere. Very odd.
If Bruno didn’t want people to see his machinations he should keep his legs together, especially in those trousers.
It’s all just been farcical tonight, perhaps “Fantasyland” is the new theme week. Will we get “crashing back to reality” theme next week? Guessing it’s going to be a couple from the middle of the leader board in the dance off, happy to wave off Alex or Vicountess.
I’ve just fallen out with an old friend and her husband who are insisting Kelvin is McRinger. I’m fummin’.
I’ve read somewhere he doesn’t have any formal dance training, he is however a massive ringah and i’m living for it.
Yes, Aljaz pushing Emma up against the wall was most peculiar, I’ve always had him down as a perfect gentleman.
I thought it was a bit Danny from Grease, myself, and none the worse for that.
I haven’t
Loved Chris’s Elton routine but it should have been done LAST SATURDAY dammit – had I got my quiz entry in on time I would have been a very unhappy bunny (talking of which why is Karen doing bunny ears, it’s as annoying as prayer hands or phone hands and she needs to stop it)
Emma and Anton made me cry. I am getting soft in my old age.
Dev’s red jumpsuit reminded me that Us would have been a good movie or halloween theme.
Johannes was joyous.
Alex tried her best but Neil seemed a bit smiley for the tango. He seemed a bit chatty throughout as did Katya. Were both trying to persuade their other halves to respectively stay/go or were they coaching them? Kev wants his motorbike back.
David – erm
Kelvin – very good but I wish they weren’t doing the exploding ovaries narrative – he’s good because he’s good.
Bless Aljaz – he’s too cute. Jumps out like a mugger, uses steps instead of his usual bench for a sit down, uses wallography like a sex pest but the end bit was good.
Michelle. What on Earth did she do to Vicky Giggles. Bad Cher indeed.
Overmarked even if they submitted before the end mess. I feel like I did when Louise was dressed as Carmen Miranda though and wanted to chuck her a sympathy point.
Will – not good but not his fault – his 6 from Craig not fair to Alex’s 4 though.
Mike – Overmarked but having just watched it all over again just looking at his bottom half only, his footwork was nifty
Saffron – love the fact that she’s normal sized lass but some of that looked like Snowdance.
Karim – initial headsnaps looked like crossing the road. He had shit music bless and really did try to drive it but it reminded me of Ore’s tango.
FamalamWarz is the real comp this year…I can’t be the only one who would be chasing my kids out the training room Brucie style with a broom because I was taking part to get away from them and the only boost I need is a chocolate one?
Mary Mad Eyes in a theatre on the Moon *cackles*
I want to hear this week’s microphones so badly
If Alex starts getting 30+, you bet that they’re gonna push the JURNEE narative so hard. I can already see their ITT interview.
A lot of unintentional embarrassment last night. I usually get uncomfortable watching a rumba because it’s either crap and awkward, or it’s too good and therefore like walking in on someone in flagrante. Kelvin’s was the latter, and the fact that all the judges went into “phwor, I’d give him one and no mistake” mode definitely didn’t help.
Saffron was good, as far as contemporary goes, but I dislike all the nan/kiddies shit at the best of times and this was just too much. There seems to be a narrative that the more vaguely photogenic friends and family a person has, the more deserving of support they are.
I don’t know what happened to Katya but it is not ok.
Viscountess did a better jive than i expected, and actually quite watchable rather than cringe
I thought we didn’t have anymore Gay Pros on the show? Johannes’s “Dancing to Beyoncé, I’m living my best life” comment dressed in pink made me realise I was totally out of the loop! 😀
I’m loving Motsi’s honesty about Harry & Meghan, whoever thought they were potential winners must be deluded. *shrug*
Katya is a shadow of the wonderful woman who danced with Ed Balls. Does she need a break? 😦
I usually hate the song “Send in the Clowns” and the superior Sondheim Theatre snobs, but I LOVED Emma & Anton’s VW and boo to your recap Monkseal! I literally had tears. ❤
Katya seems like she is nearing breaking point.
Johannes is a keeper–fabulous dancer, and that personality and dress sense. Winning!
Both the U Emma and the Non-U Saffron get on my last nerve; may they both soon be victims of Strictly’s demographic.
Regarding Michelle’s styling: I think she must be to blame–she’s said that she submitted sketches to wardrobe, and she seems to always either do her own make-up or use her own make-up artist. This is a woman, after all, who drives a Corvette and styles herself like a mob wife.
Saffron has got AJ, and her own millions of followers so she’ll stick around for a while longer
more storylines of the ordinary normal teenage girl
upper class emma, well she’s more down to earth than you think now and it’s soooo outdated voting people out if they are upper class and you can’t relate to them
I can say one thing for this episode – I’ve come to the conclusion that Nancy is going to be quite fun when she’s actually a proper pro. Firstly, she had to be moved out of the way of the terms & conditions, then she did the slinkiest arm-dancing to the “wave your hands in the air like you don’t care” bit everybody does to the music. And then it looked like she had to be re-positioned by Diane after Saffron’s dance.
“Strictly Pro who barely knows where she is” seems like an excellent hook to me.