Here’s the dances from tonight. Like the judges, I’ve put them in an entirely random order!
Alex – a biker themed tango that, whilst not actively unpleasant, should probably put an end to any speculation that she might win this series once and for all, to be honest
Saffron – some very nice contempolifts, but mostly rolling around looking like she didn’t hear her alarm, is 20 minutes late for her work bus, and can’t find her smart jeans. After all this, she runs over to her nan and pokes her in the eye to get her to cry on camera, possibly. If she didn’t the cameraman possibly whacked her in the face sprinting over to film it, so either way…
David – if we’re honest, a really bad quickstep, as endearing as he is, that then gets overmarked up the bum to the extent that I wonder if the judges shouldn’t just have a special Immunity Card they can use once per series, for improvement
Chris – the APOTHEOSIS of his “stomp around whilst staring at Karen” dance-style, in the jive, like, he’s not ever going to get better at it than this, good job, whack those moles, whack them with your feet
Karim – a very good tango!
Mike – sprints around the floor to Come On Eileen like a balloon with all the air let out of it, after which Katya has a really weird full body nervous breakdown all over the floor for some reason that’s a bit awkward to watch to be honest, sorry, we know I love a bit of melodrama but this was fully embarrassing
Will – Janette does her best to choreograph around the fact that, in Will’s own words, he “has no ankles” in the foxtrot. It’s mostly a success, just by sheer power of audience goodwill other than the bits where she really can’t avoid him being in hold, but also leads to me wondering how Will will cope in future dances involving…well, feet
Kelvin – a very good rumba!
Catherine – GAY (featuring Catherine)
Emma W – a very ladylike Kids In America jive, a bit like she’s been dragged up at a wedding against her will, and then the judges pretend she’s suddenly a WILD AND CRAZY WOMAN
Michelle – an “authentic” salsa (ie borin’ as shit) in one of the worst outfits ever seen on this show!
Emma B – wandering around doing Mary Mad Eyes like she’s performing to the back row of the theatre, a theatre she’s not in, which is also on the moon. Occasionally does a bit of Viennese Waltz, and it’s a bit wobbly to be honest.
Dev – whatever generic club cha cha was left over after Saffron and Alex both had a pick at it two weeks ago, and he doesn’t do it much better than either of them.
After this, the judges put everyone’s name on a little bit of paper, throw them all up in the air, into a leafblower, and then call it the leaderboard! Your guess as to why is as good as mine, who’s going to get to feel ripped off when they go home instead of the person who probably should have, WHO CARES, THAT’S RYLAN’S PROBLEM!