Just gonna give up and stop writing 2/3 of the way through, don’t mind me.
We start on
a shot of Anton, talking about the first time he saw Fred Astaire dancing on screen. He was dressed as a Bulbasaur and was dancing the Charleston to “Too Funky” by George Michael, with Jigglypuff. The old classics are the best. We then run through Oti, Kevin, Janette and Giovanni (in case you were wondering who the A List pros are these days) all sat in their own private cinema watching movies, whilst Nadiya and Gorka huddle outside watching pirate bootlegs of Miss Congeniality 2 on their phones. In the rain. IN THEIR PANTS. As the pros watch we then cut to Giovanni as
Sexy Hobo Hitle…oh no, wait, Charlie Chaplin.
There hereafter follows a whistle-stop tour through the history of film, referencing (*deep breath*) Jurassic Park (just the song, no actual dancing T Rexs sadly), Top Hat, The Wizard Of Oz, Singin’ In The Rain, West Side Story, Titanic
the terrifying force of supernatural horror Mary Poppins, North By Northwest, Harry Potter And The Franchise Of Never-Endia, Breakfast At Tiffany’s
(or possibly this was just Shirley popping in late hungover with some takeaway, who knows), Dirty Dancing, Casablanca,
the burgeoning gay porn industry of of 2005) (/Rocky), Black Panther, Funny Face, Pirates Of The Caribbean, Funny Face, The King And I, The Greatest Showman, The Great Train Robbery, Cabaret,
The Sound Of Music featuring Amanda Holden, and then it all ends with
Giovanni wobbling off into the sunset. And no, you don’t get quiz points for any of the above, don’t even try it. Actually this was all very well done, in that someone had clearly actually thought about the blocking and where the camera is for a flipping change, and it was a nice sugar rush of nostalgia that hit on pretty much every decade of the last century of cinema so WELL DONE, GOOD JOB, KEEP IT UP GILKY.
Everything tidied away it’s time for our hosts to emerge
sorry guys, Motsi’s dress used up the entire budget for colour and sparkle for one series last night, it’s black black black from here on out. Tess starts by talking about all the highlights of Movie Week – Catherine’s rumba making Shirley cry, Magic Mike sliding down a pole faster than this series ratings have so far, and Kelvin getting some 10s because why not. The judges then whirl on to answer the call and
remember when intros on this show were a bit of soft-shoe then Bruce accidentally ending up with his hand on Tess’s arse? Now we’ve got Motsi vogue’ing around in 9 inch danger heels and Shirley trying to find any hole on Bruno’s face to stick her tongue up. On the menu tonight? A dance-off (well…half of one anyway), “music” from Harry Connick “Jr”, Dance Debrief, no interview with Emma Weymouth cuz the editors are a BUNCH OF ARSEHOLES, and of course
Your Week In Greg AND Aljaz! (Anton contrives to say “groovy baby” yet again in this segment, he’s so bored, at least say “shagadelic”)
After this time for the first round of these
and then mixing it up from last week, we’re right into our first couple in the Dance Off
composing a long letter to OFCOM about the INCOMPETENT PRODUCTION on this show in her head. They made her do A CHARLESTON, why not just a lovely waltz again, you’d never have got this in the 80s.
They wander over to Tess who mewls “SO SOWWY!” as usual, to which Anneka, rather disgruntled, responds “TOO RIGHT! I FEEL LIKE I’M IN A VICTORIA WOOD SKETCH AND I’VE WALKED INTO AN EXERCISE CLASS AND GONE ‘WHAT AM DOING HERE?” ‘. Anneka’s journey from “don’t put me in a dress please, I only wear trousers and jumpsuits” to “to my elimination is solely and entirely because you put me in a jumpsuit instead of a dress” has been WILD. IN THREE WEEKS! Shirley is asked her advice, and she tells Anneka to bear in mind that you never know what’s going to happen in a dance-off, especially when you don’t know who the other couple is going to be.
I mean unless it’s somehow James and Luba…
Up to Claud 9 with our safe couples
where Kelvin is immediately congratulated for his two 10s. The thing is, between this early overmarking, Michelle being told she’s perfect by Craig in Week 1, and Karim doing stage school jazz hands backflips out the gate with a pro saying “LET’S BE REALLY DIFFERENT!”, the show seems hellbent on delivering this series to someone from the second tier again, and that means Dev/Saffron and oh my god come back Stacey and Joe all is forgiven. Although on second thoughts this entire bit is
Kelvin dancing around his kitchen with his babby, so maybe they have hopes for him yet.
Next up Emma is asked about her deep and abiding love for Vicky Giggles & The War Drobe Girls. Apparently she’s been sending them letters all series about how much she loves them, and keeps buying them coffee, which I guess explains the gradual uptick in the quality of her outfits from that thing they stuck her in on the Launch Show.
Probably should have let Anton sign some of those letters as well Emma. Cut him in on the action, help him out. Emma thanks hair and make-up for always styling her immaculately and covering up all her bruises and this just got a bit dark a bit quickly, let’s move on. We close with Alex talking about how Strictly is the second chapter of her life after football (her third chapter? Live links on Children In Need next to Will Best at 1am I’m guessing) and how she doesn’t want to let Neil down and suddenly they’re giving me
“couple who corner you in the bar whilst all your friends are out on the bar patio having a fag and want to talk to you about what dianetics did for them”. Which is a kind of bond I guess. Oh and then Claudia tells Alex she looks really pretty when she cries. NEGGING!
More rudey faces now
oh and the rest of you will have to wait til later, oh well.
For the want of anything better to do, Tess then asks Craig to say that Theme Weeks are amazing aren’t they Craig, and he says that they sure are Tess. Apparently they really allow the contestants to “get their acting shoulder behind a routine”. Personally I’d settle with just the face for a few of them. For starters.
Back up now to
Smiffys Fancy Dress Shop £9.99 outfits for all occasions, where Dev is talking about how over the moon is about doing well. Well good for him. I still thought it was bobbins, but it’s nice to have a night just for you, y’know. Catherine is next, and revealing that next week she’s doing the Charleston to “Single Ladies”. Johannes’ face says
“YES WE ARE KWEEN!”. Will follows this up by talking about how happy he is to get through, and then chats about all the many messages of support he’s received, and all the new fans he’s made. Meanwhile Emma Weymouth is still sitting there on twitter with fewer followers than I’ve got.
Harry Connick Jr singing “Anything Goes”, in the manner of Rowley Birkin QC. Apparently this is the second take, because he forgot the words the first time and he felt everyone deserved a retake and a proper performance. He’s mumbling the words at such an odd clip that I’m not sure how he thinks anyone would have noticed, but there we are. After a little while
Anton and Nadiya come out and do some very nippy ballroom but *sigh* she’s no Erin. What are her rates like? I’m sure she must be putting her kid through private school, come on Erin, your public need you.
As much as I didn’t really need this.
Up again for a Dance Debrief now, and all the judges walk on to “We Like To Boogie” and I am ASTONISHED we have not yet had a Billy Elliot routine for Movie Week, you’d think they’d have been right on it, some 24 year old stage school kid contestant. Heck, strap Denise Van Outen’s boobs up, I’m sure she would have given it a go. Motsi’s up first, with Claudia right out the gates praising her for her
mighty hoops. They are quite mighty. (How many more weeks evidence before I can run a Who Would Win In A Fight : Oti or Motsi? poll do you think?). She’s here to discuss Dev’s Couples Choice, and how in-sync it is, and I’ll give him this
they’re more in sync than the couples who normally get this treatment turn out to be, when the judges are all “oooh look at the tightness, look at the precision, look at the timing, look at the perfect unison”, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the clip as aired shows the female pro with her leg banglehoofed up clear over her head whilst the guy’s foot is barely off the floor. Anyway, Motsi declares this routine sincerely to be “epic” and “the bomb”, making her about 10 years ahead of this show’s audience whilst still being about 5 years behind the times. Shirley next, and she calls Johannes’ rumba choreography “simplistic” when she just means “simple” but there we are, they’re very similar words.
Next to Chris, who Craig roasts for
“flapping his hand up and down without purpose”. I mean, there’s a very definite purpose Craig, he’s counting the rhythm out. This is not difficult to discern. (Remember when Craig used to complain about people lip-syncing and these days Will is out there transparently and visibly screaming out the pokemon feem toon lyrics and nobody cares? Maybe he could give up on this as well, who knows, STANDARDS, WHAT STANDARDS?). Craig wiffles on about how everything Fred Astaire did had PURPOSE and yes, like marrying a woman in her early 30s when he was in his early 80s, we could go on. Oh and then Craig calls Chris both “airy fairy” AND “namby pamby” and God did the ghost of Len just fly in through a window. Is Craig’s Movie Week Movie in fact The Exorcist? Is his head about to spin 360 degrees before he intones “YOUR MOTHER PICKLES WALNUTS IN HELL!”? Claudia then moves on by telling Bruno that he said on Saturday that Kelvin’s dance was better than anything he’s ever seen in the West End!
And Bruno’s all “…I said it was as good as Claudia, calm your tits”. When Bruno’s fact-checking your dictation you know something’s gone askew. We then see some of Kelvin’s dance in slow-mo, none of it the lifts. We of course close on Craig’s “faux pas” with Anton and
I still don’t buy it (although I am persuadable that this is Craig going into business for himself and nobody else was in on it) but it’s good for that shot of Motsi there at least. Craig promises never to talk about teeth on the programme ever again. Somewhere a casting director is on the line to Janet Street Porter’s agent.
Time for that last round of faces now
which leaves Mike and David as the Bottom 2 before the Bottom 2. With
Katya somehow managing not to fall down when the result comes in. Y’know, out of shock. David & Nadiya go over to Tess, and when Tess asks David how he feels, he says “there’s a movie called Deja Vu isn’t there?” and honestly if David could do nothing for the rest of the series but make dad jokes about movie titles I’d be in seventh heaven. Bruno is asked to “give David a lift” before the dance-off and he tells David that OF COURSE HE CAN DO IT, HE’S BATMAN!
He’s really not, Bruno. (If Bruno had been alive in th…hang on, let me start again. If Bruno had been famous in the 60s, which Batman villain do you think he would have played in the campy 60s tv show? Other than “all of them”).
Back up to
St Osburg’s Secondary School Musical Theatre Society Ball photo 2019 (thanks to Ms Winkleman for organising), where Saffron is telling Claudia that she’ll be dancing contemporary next week to her nan’s favourite song.
What punchline do I normally go for in these circumstances? “Nuthin But A G Thang”? “Too Drunk To Fuck”? “Mr Blobby”? There’s so many angles. Chris next, and he claims that he really can’t help all those faces he pulls when he’s waiting for his name to be called out. So this is CLEARLY a bit now, rather than ALMOST CERTAINLY a bit, which makes it a bit less endearing, but it’s still funny, so eh. S’better than constantly just…slowly moving up and down in the background.
Michelle next, and she says that she’s so glad to be out of ballroom, because the last two weeks have been like
this. How do you think I feel Michelle, probably a whole SERIES of Saffron interviews to come. She’ll be doing the salsa next week, can’t wait for to decide she’s Cuban on top of all of her other nationalities. Mike closes by saying that Strictly has changed his life – he’s a stone lighter, his spine’s straighter, and his days as a dad dancer are finally over. Well two out of three…
A quick advert for It Takes Two later, and then it’s time for the dance-off. Well, it is for David anyway. Anneka just fully looks at that Charleston routine and says…”do you know what, I’d rather not?”. It is a performance even more phoned in than Bruce Willis in any Die Hard movie after number 2 (MOVIE NIGHT REFERENCE!) This was all mildly more charming on the night, when it felt like Anneka was just over trying, rather than specifically because she had a laser-beam focused hatred for the Charleston, but hey how often does a fellow Charleston hater come out of the closet, I’ll take that
David wins unanimously
BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY TRIED, then Anneka gives a little speech about how she would have saved David and she loves Kevin and she loves all the gang on the balcony and she loved learning to dance and she loved every minute of (except that C**T PRODUCER WHO MADE HER DANCE TO THE WOO HOO SONG). Kevin’s all “well I taught you to clap in time, so that’s me for another series” and then Anneka’s Final Dance is this
Can’t wait for Jason Gilkison to make her do the Woo Hoo dance again in the end of series group dance, just like he did with Ashley Taylor Dawson and that flying carpet. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR MESSING WITH HIS VISION.