Strictly Come Dancing 16 – Week 1 Performance 2

Guaranteed 100% free of shots of Anton getting his bum fingered.

Previously On Strictly : Kate Silverton invented sex, Danny jumped about a lot to impress Darcey, Lauren outdanced everyone without even BOTHERING, Susannah got a 1, Seann did some Neil Jones cosplay, and…I think there was another couple but I can’t remember them now. I know she had nice hair, but the rest is escaping me. All caught up? Good.

Charles Venn & Karen Clifton dancing the cha cha

Tess starts us off by saying that things got so intense between Charles and Karen in the training room during the week that she found herself in Casualty. Oh wow, he put her in traction already, good girl Karen, making up for lost time, put yourself out there, knock that back out.

VT time, and Charles spends most of it remeniscing about the Red Carpet element of the Launch Show, most particularly getting to dance with Faye From Steps.

Joe McFadden must be seething. Karen meanwhile says that she really “likes Charles’ energy” (ie, that he seems DTF) and then Charles…just doesn’t talk about Karen at all, and instead brags that he’s ready to wow the judges, and wow the audience (and wow ALL THE LADIES), and then he points down the camera and actually says

“are you ready for me?” and do you know when someone you’ve never heard of just comes on this show and blindsides you, I love this pairing so much already, don’t blow it guys.

Training now, and Charles says he’s finding the cha cha very difficult, technically speaking, and then the editors have a bit of fun by immediately following this with a clip of Karen literally just saying “CLAP CLAP!”. I can’t decide if the editors on this show don’t like Charles or just love him the same way I do. As well as this, Charles and Karen are also sporting my

favourite training room ensembles of the week, very jazzy, very sporty, very now, I’d wear it to a party. As Charles is struggling, Karen decides to take him where he feels most comfortable – his dayjob. Also apparently where the editors feel most comfortable, this is the fourth dayjob VT this week already. Fifth if you count Lauren being at her dayjob whilst AJ sat at home styling his hair and having a sadwank and practicing his poached pears. Anyway, Karen and Charles go to Casualty, she watches him do some really unconvincing chest compressions and as usual, I’m on scouting duty

This one next series please. Yes, on the left, ta.

TO HELL!

Yes, Charles is not only dressed as the disco devil, he’s also emerging from a cloud of billowing white fog. Love a baddy.

A sex baddy.

He and Karen are dancing to “Ain’t No Love (Ain’t No Use)” by Sub Sub, and I have said this too many times already this week, but it is an absolute tune and a half, and Karen’s choreography is leaning into all the best parts of it. The bums are wiggling, the hands are clapping, the hips are grinding laciviously (Karen rolling her coochy right at Charles on the “why can’t you be gooooooooooooood, like a rrrrrrrrreal lover would” part in particular is filth), and the disco is in full flight.

I’m so used to disco being used on this show just because the pro can’t think of anything better to do, or they want to do latin without being too “forrin” about it, but this is actually slick, so I’m prepared to forgive the fact that it’s not 100% cha cha. I’m impressed with Karen for the first time since, well, possibly ever, don’t make me count back. Fortunately Karen seems

fairly impressed with herself as well, so we’re good. As for actual merit, Charles is dancing it pretty well as well, after his training problems with learning how to clap. Some bits are a bit rushed and messy, but on this evidence I can see why he was parked front and centre of that first launch show group routine.

Actually very promising.

They’re over to the judges, where Craig starts off by saying that Charles’ hips were a little tight, but other than that the routine was confident and had great “ease of movement”. Darcey’s next, saying that whilst that wasn’t the most typical cha cha (she says in between one involving a woman getting pillioned against a newsdesk and one involving a giant spurting thermometer) but Charles definitely has attitude, confidence, and above all

RHYTHM (*DRINK*).

OG Shirley next, complimenting Charles on his “swag” (…), and telling him that he’s lovely to look at, but for her, that wasn’t the dance it was supposed to be, outside of maybe about 8 bars of content. It was all too disco, and she just didn’t get a cha cha feeling out of it. (Karen did, repeatedly) (JELUS KEVIN!) Bruno follows, and of course, as Shirley just dissed his home decade, he leaps to his feet yelling

“WHAT’S WRONG WITH DISCO?! BRUNO LOVES THE DISCO! BRUNO IS THE DISCO! STAYING ALIVE STAYING ALIVE YOU MAKE ME FEEL MIGHTY REAL NIGHT FEVER NIGHT FEVER BRUNO KNOWS HOW TO SHOW IT, BRUNO’S STILL GOT IT, BRUNO’S STILL YOUNG, BRUNO CAN PULL ANY UNDERWEAR MODEL HE LIKES, EVERY NIGHT, DISCO NEVER DIES” *rails massive line of coke off the desk*

Something like that anyway.

Up to Claud 9, where Claudia reveals that Charles told her that he signed up for Strictly “because he wanted to do something scary”. Ah she’s not so bad once you get past the constant cat noises, she’s a softie really. Claudia goes on to ask Charles if he was as confident as the judges said he looked and he grins that he

must be an AMAZING actor, because he was terrified. Love. him. Karen then talks for far too long taking the blame for the choreography and saying “next time I’ll put more cha cha in” (to…a quickstep? Probably) and then the scores are in

he is dressed for it I guess – 25.

Ashley Roberts & Pasha Kovalev dancing the Viennese Waltz

We start with Tess parked in the audience with Kimberley Wyatt

who gushes very earnestly about how Melody is her soul sister and sh…oh no wait, it’s ASHLEY isn’t it? Ashley is her soul sister, she’s so excited to be here to support Ashley. She loves all her Pussycat Doll sisters equally (except that bitch Nicole). Tess gets everyone to cross their fingers for Ashley’s routine to go well (I’m sure she needs it) and

quite an array of techniques on display there.

VT time, and Tess tells us that Ashley has toured all over the world, carrying Nichole Scherzinger’s bags, but IS SHE READY FOR THE BALLROOM? Probably – she is extensively trained in dance. Ashley, you’ll be surprised to hear, loved the Launch Show, and found it more exhilirating than any Pussycay Dolls performance could ever be. The energy, the excitement

all the new friends she made! AND she got to form Team Pashley!

Are you intimidated, I know I am. Ashley tells us that Pasha is very grounded and centred, and Pasha tells that Ashley is very fun, quirky, and full of energy, and he thinks she might lose control at times, so if he has to be strict with her, he will be.

LOL ok. (Also…yes, that will do, about that size yes)

Training now and

oh my god you guys Ashley is just so excited she can’t believe it you guys oh my God she’s finally doing Strictly you guys she’s dreamed of nothing else her entire life you guys oh my god you guys she is just going to burst! She and Pasha do a little skit about she thinks she’s going to booty-slap and titty-shake her way through a Viennnese Waltz (maybe if she’d got Janette) and Pasha tells her to “scratch all of that”. If that’s what you’re into Pasha, give me a week’s notice and I won’t cut my nails. They start training and Ashley tries to pass the Viennese Waltz off as a complicated dance and also herself off as

someone who can go cross-eyed, bless her. She then talks about how the audience probably have high expectations of her, knowing her dance background as we do. Yup. It all ends with Ashley asking Pasha if, if all else fails, she can improv her way through the dance Pussycat style, and Pasha says the words “no booty popping” and [PUNCHLINE REDACTED] [PUNCHLINE REDACTED] [PUNCHLINE REDACTED]

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Ashley is dancing her “Viennese Waltz” to “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran, which is so on the nose, I love it

Is it actually perfect? No of course not – there’s a couple of obvious stumbles, she’s a little bobby up and downy, and the acting


tends towards the Norma Desmond of the spectrum (you’re not on ITV now dear, not everything has to be so obvious) but after Vick let me down I’m glad to see one of my lady ringers actually deliver. The arms are lyrical


the partnering skills are on point, the movement is effortless, the dry ice is swirling, the emotions are flowing, the head is delicately plonked on Pasha’s shoulder, the hair is tousled, at one point she just twirls around up on her toes for 10 seconds straight like a rotating cake stand. It’s a good start to show what she’s capable of, and I have faith that when it comes time to bring it more aggressively, in a routine that’s less twinkly woo-woo, she’ll be able to do it, and ascend to her cheerleader clique villain crown as required.

With Pasha as her suspiciously older looking boyfriend who can DRIVE.

As soon as the routine’s over, they walk over to Tess, who says that she never saw Ashley dance like that in the Pussycat Dolls. We never saw Ashley do anything in the Pussycat Dolls Tess, that’s why she left. Darcey starts for the judges, saying that she loved how creative, fluid and graceful that was, but she could see Ashley losing her frame on occasion. Shirley starts next by saying “A beautiful musical ear”, and for a wonderful brief moment I thought we were getting another Shirley poem

A beautiful musical ear
Made Shirley come over all queer
Attached to fair Ash
the V Waltz she did smash
Shirl thinks they’ll be winning this year!

Instead it’s all about contra-checks and weight distribution and sod that Shirley GIVE US ANOTHER POEM. She does tell Ashley that she looked very feminine, and it’s this that starts Ashley crying so…hooray for meeting gender expectations, it’s all of our goal, TELL ME I’M MASC SHIRLEY!

Bruno follows, saying he loved the spatial flow and storytelling, and then he start flailing about to demonstrate and

is there a better shot to demonstrate the current judging dynamic? Bruno twatting about, Darcey over-reacting, Shirley copping a feel of Darcey’s bazoobs with her elbow, and Craig rolling his eyes to the high heavens. The man himself closes by saying that there was too much rise and fall, but he loved Ashley’s emotional expression. Yes it was very OTT wasn’t it? Very Craig.

Ashley and Pasha hug and squeal and they take a little too long to get off their marks, and Tess shoots them

the dirtiest look I have ever seen her shoot anyone, ever, and then they’re up to Claud 9, where Ashley bibbles and squeaks some more and reveals her mum has flown over especially to see her

and is clearly wearing a little “P” for Pashley necklace. Yes Momma Roberts, get on the train, then get about sabotaging her enemies so you can live out your own vicarious dreams of cheerleader stardom. Is how this would work in a movie. Scores are in

29

Dr Ranj Singh & Janette Manrara dancing the cha cha

I really do feel like, after many series of searching, both Karen and Janette have found their platonic ideal partners for me this year, how exciting. Tess says that Dr Ranj is very nervous, what with this being the first live show, but as a doctor she’s sure he has something to calm his nerves.

Well if he doesn’t, I’m sure Bruno does.

VT time, and here’s Miss Ranjie herself

with the pompodour and the eyebrows of a man twice his height. He tells us that he was hoping that he’d get one particular partner, and he did, and that partner was Janette. Apparently they bonded over their love of RuPaul’s Drag Race to the extent that they want us to call them “Team Raja” which…I’m not going to, but I’m with you in spirit. Janette tells us that she and Dr Ranj are meant to be, because they’re big (…), bubbly (/annoying) and fun (we’ll see) people and then she says “pocket rockets” fifty times until I pass out.

Training and I’m seeing double

FIVE RANJIES! He’s on his way to training, at which point we get the big reveal that he has two pairs of leggings/joggers to train in – one with sparkles down the side and one with rainbows. Fashion choices for sure. Not able to pad an entire VT out on sparkly leggings, the editors of course fall back on the “dayjob” option, and no, not the hospital, we’re not going to watch Janette get highh on giggle gas and accidentally kill a child with leukemia, it’s “THIS MORNING”! Where Dr Ranj is a medical expert. Janette and Ranj set themselves up in the middle of the studio but

Phil & Holly completely ignore them so they have to get all “GUYS, DO YOU WANNA SEE US DANCE, GUYS, GUYS” about it, and it’s a bit sad. Bet they’d pay attention if it was Dr Chris. Homophobes. Holly and Phil interview that Ranj is actually very good, and they’d really like it if he could bring back the glitterball trophy to sit on their sofa. Erm, if you want it so bad Holly, earn it yourself. Lazy.

TO THE GPs OFFICE!

So Dr Ranj and Janette are dancing to “How Will I Know?” (oh…you’ll know Janette, when he only wants to do it round the back with the lights off whilst calling you Aljaz and making you do his voice, you’ll know) by Whitney Houston, which seems inadequately medically themed for this show, until you remember it’s got the word “heartbeat” in it, twice, and that’s enough. As for the dance itself, of course that coat and that stethoscope are off within the first 20 seconds, and of course they climb on and off that table more times than Coyote Ugly and of course at some point

he gets electrocuted up the bum by the giant thermometer. It’s a Week 1 gaymazing cha cha, that’s what he’s here for, that’s what we’re all here for. In terms of the technique it’s all a bit clunky and he’s putting maybe a bit too much power into every move, but it’s all done with confidence and he certainly knows how to handle Janette ie he flings her about like she’s made of the hardest substance known to mankind, completely unbreakable. It all closes with the thermometer

spunking off again and goodness me, twice in 90 seconds, I’ve seen this tape before.

Amazingly, Shirley gives this

a standing ovation, what an ally to the community (love Craig and Darcey there as well, looking like they’re trying to get Netflix up on their scorepads. You can actually see Craig giving this a 6, live, from the button he’s pushing, what a SPOILER). Shirley gets to start for the judges as well, grinning that she certainly wasn’t expecting that (really? I could have predicted that right down to the skeleton on loan from Hallowe’en Week) and found it light, bright, fun, and full of cha cha content (KAREN). She goes on to say that Dr Ranj’s syncopated cuban breaks looked like they belonged in the semi-final. Mollie’s samba happened in the semi-finals, just saying, it’s not as big of a compliment as it might seem.

Bruno follows by calling Dr Ranj a ray of sunshine, and saying that the prognosis is very good, Craig says he loved how camp it was, Darcey says there was great technique, never stop smiling, we’re rushing a bit here to get to time I think (hey, why not cut the random interviews maybe?), off up to Claud 9 with them.

Once they’re there, Janette gushes about what an inspiration Dr Ranj is because of his day job, in fact one time he turned up to training having been awake for 36 hours. Haven’t we all been at this point? Scores are in

27

Katie Piper & Gorka Marquez dancing the waltz

Tess tells us that these two are doing a fairytale waltz tonight, and will be hoping it’ll all end “happily ever after”. I can feel myself falling asleep from here.

VT now, and Katie tells us that she can remember just how fast her heart was beating on the Launch Show, but she was really happy to get Gorka, as he’s the partner she’s always wanted. Not what you said on This Morning hun, you said you wanted Giovanni, we all remember it, you don’t have to Bloody Lulu it, but lets not backtrack now. Gorka for his part says he’s really glad to have Katie, as she’s a really inspirational woman (bloody hell, is anyone not inspirational this year) and he just wants to make sure she has a good time. Gorka in fact says

“Katie, we’re going to have a great time on Strictly, I promise you” right down the camera lens and oops do excuse me, one of my ovaries just pinged out and took out a light fitting, give me a minute.

Training now, and Katie reveals that this week she’ll be dancing to “When We Were Young” by Adele, and talks a bit about how she’s not really tried dancing since she was attacked, citing both extensive scar tissue and the fact that she’s blind in her left eye as potential hurdles. Which, yes that’s very laudible, but remember when Nancy Dell’Olio danced on despite Alesha Dixon repeatedly slandering her good reputation and with Robbie Savage constantly hacking up her dresses backstage with scissors, we all have our obstacles to overcome hun. Also I love

Gorka’s serious thinky face here. He looks like the moon in an Edwardian children’s book.

Anyway, due to Katie’s limitation, she finds picking up the dancing difficult, but things start to pick up when Gorka suggests she draws on the memory of the holiday she took to Paris with her husband 5 years ago and uses it as a story for the routine. If it’s anything like my last holiday to Paris, the routine will be augmented by Shirley running around after her asking if she wants to buy some lucky heather and swearing under her breath. I’d watch it.

TO PARIS!

How exciting! Anyway this all goes a bit wrong, and it’s obvious why it goes a bit wrong, it’s because she’s wracked with nerves, it doesn’t really pay to dwell on it. None of it is really performed, she’s talking to herself quite a lot, Gorka’s having to push her about quite a bit, I don’t think she’s really thinking about anything above the ankle much other than to periodically stick her arm out. Either this was all done just to prove to herself she could get through an entire routine succesfully live and she’ll springboard from here, or she’ll Charlotte herself.

Give her a Charleston or something, bring her out of herself, it worked with Ed Balls. Unfortunately.

To the judges they go, where Bruno starts, rather predictably, by congratulating Katie on getting through it. Like it was childbirth. He did think it was obvious she was thinking the whole time, and that she should just feel the performance and allow her mind to empty out totally. Like Gorka. Craig follows with a laundry list of technical faults (questionable balance, especially in pivots ; poor topline ; clunky arm placement in hold ; massive error in the middle of the routine) but erm…she recovered well every time, so that’s nice.

Darcey follows, saying that there were technical problems sure, but she thinks every mistake in the routine ultimately sourced back down to Katie’s nerves, and until she gets an handle on those, she’ll always be held back, so that has to be the first priority. GET CONFIDENT, STUPID! Also

I’ve just noticed that Darcey has painted her nails different colours this evening, which is as close to being a Lambrini party girl as she gets, what’s got into her? Other than Shirley. (Not like that) (ok maybe like that). Shirley closes by getting all “LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY YOUNG LADY, YOU SHOWED GREAT PROMISE!”, like she’s trying to be an inspirational headmistress in a bad dance school movie, and tells Katie she had a nice frame, a nice contra-check, and also a nice box. See Seann? The benefits of keeping it tidy.

Up to Claud 9 they nerve, where Claudia congratulates Katie on getting through the routine, and then tells her that she was only partly watching her, because she was also focused on Katie’s proud parents in the audience.

They borrowed a £20 off her at the Launch Show so they could get a couple of glasses of wine from concessions, and have been avoiding her ever since. SHE’S ONTO YOU, PIPERS! Katie tells Claudia that she’s glad for the feedback, and intends to go backstage and obliterate her nerves once and for all, and come back a changed woman. Hooray.

Scores are in

17

Next up

oh Christ, more random interviews, this time mixed with stand-up comedy. Stacey heroically and spectacularly botches a punchline in a Craig impersonation so it doesn’t make any sense, a joke from Lee gets greeted with stony silence because it’s basically just him bragging about knowing Elton John, Joe gets a laugh, and faced with those 2:1 odds, Faye gives up and basically just goes “HI, I’M FAYE FROM STEPS!”. Let’s move on.

Graeme Swann & Oti Mabuse dancing the samba

Well at least he’s not hiding Oti down his trousers. It looks like there’s room. Graeme, in this pre-match interview, tells Tess that he’s going to start his samba sat on a giant flying glittery cricket bat. Tess then wishes him “breast of luck”, so the Oti Mabuse effect is in full swing.

VT time, and Graeme says that he’s never been as excited in his life as when he was told that he’d got Oti as his partner on Strictly Come Dancing. By contrast, Oti’s all “I don’t know who Graeme is, I don’t know what cricket is, it sounds stupid, but I’ve been told you idiots always vote for them loads even if they dance like…well someone showed me Michael Vaughan’s jive…so I’m all for it, bring it on, gimme those votes”. Graeme goes on to talk about Oti’s strict reputation and then we get this amazing shot

which is going up on my wall at home, goodbye picture of cat in a hammock. Anyway, Graeme says Oti’s reputation doesn’t bother him, because he’s really good at taking criticism, and you can tell that’s a lie and he wants us to know that’s a lie, so I’m looking forward to many many fights to come.

Training now, and Oti reveals to Graeme that they’ll be doing the samba first, and that whilst Oti normally prefers to do an African theme for her sambas, with Graeme she’ll be doing one based around the culture and traditions of exotic Nottingham

well she’s already got her Maid Marians out. Oti tries to persuade us all at home that Graeme’s smooth bowling action makes him a natural for the samba (…), which of course is a prompt for another

DAYJOB VT! HOORAY! Either that or Stacey’s paid someone off to hobble her competition. If she has then she’s underestimating Oti, four guys with cricket bats? NOTHING. Oti will have them crying for their mummies in minutes.

See? Handily dispatched. Anyway, Oti plays cricket, Oti is dead good at cricket, Oti is dead good at everything, all hail Oti Mabuse, Pro Poll Queen 2018.

TO THE GABBA!

Graeme and Oti are dancing to “Soul Limbo” aka the theme from Test Match Special, and they put on as good an argument as I can imagine for the show giving a non-dancer the samba to do as their first dance. Which is to say…I still don’t think that they should be giving a non-dancer the samba to do as their first dance, just because there’s so much going on. Even with a 10 second break in the dancing so Graeme can get out of his harness, they fit in The Sprinkler, The Floss, a whole section where Oti and Graeme mime a cricket delivery, about 7 different rhythms, at least 3 of which I’m sure are attributable to samba, botafogos, booty pops (see Pasha, you can allow them, you can!), the unheralded return of Ola Jordan’s patented

Sexy Starfish

erotic sempahore, the works. It’s fun and infectious and he’s going great guns, even if he’s using his arms like ice-cream scoops and his hips like…well, also like ice cream scoops, but in three weeks time when he does the cha cha and it’s all “mince here, mince there, flap Oti’s skirt up a bit” it’s going to be a little underwhelming.

Fun though.

They get over to the judges, where Tess immediately slags off cricket as not being fun.

Sorry it can’t all be people who do pranks with cardboard boxes for a living Tess. Craig starts for the judges, telling Graham that his hands were like cricket bats, and his hips were awkward, but he liked the energy of it all, and he enjoyed watching it. Darcey follows by praising Graeme for his rhythm and all the work he’s put into having hips in his life. She thinks he’s a wonderful rough stone that Oti is going to spend her weeks polishing. With a chainsaw.

Shirley’s next, saying she enjoyed Graeme’s voltas and his plait (OH THAT’S AN APPROVED HAIRSTYLE NOW IS IT SHIRLEY?!) and she’s always avoided watching cricket before because she’s found it boring, so she was really surprised when Graeme had so much personality. Bruno closes by cackling that Graeme is well-oiled, and after tonight he will be top of the bill at every hen party in the country. Honestly a Magic Mike strip-troupe of this year’s celebs headed up by Chucky Venice, I can see it. I’m not saying I’d book it, but I see it.

Up to Claud 9 they thwack, where Claudia discusses with Graeme how he did Strictly to show to his kids that he can be “Superdad” (please say that’s not coming up for Movie Week) and he thanks Oti for helping his kids’ dreams come true by working The Floss into a samba. I guess it makes a change from all the female pros who turn up for the samba wearing it. He also says that the rumours about Oti being a hard taskmaster aren’t true – she’s really just an ice cube, who will be melted over the course of the series by his bonfire. Well how poetic. Scores are in

22

Stacey Dooley & Kevin Clifton dancing the quickstep

The intro to this routine is Tess repeating what Stacey made her crash’n’burn joke about earlier – that nobody’s had the quickstep in Week 1 in the history of Strictly ever ever ever ever ever isn’t that exciting. Which is technically true, but several women have done it as their first dance, including dance legends Jan Ravens, Kate Garraway and Stephanie Beacham, who was “double that and have a drink on top” years old and half deaf. Also, two people are doing the flipping samba this week, which is harder, and also has never been done in Week 1 before, and never been done as someone’s first dance before, or even as their second.

VT time, and Stacey says it’s great being here on Strictly celebrating the beautiful and light side of life, when her day job focuses so much on the grim and miserable. Oh cheer up Stacey, your documentaries aren’t that bad. You’re still young, you’re still learning, they’ll get better. We revisit her and Kevin pops up to say that he feels like he embarrassed himself with all the jumping around and shouting and…what, for the last 5 years? Although it should be said

when he popped up like this with stubble and a bit o’chest hair poking out, no less than three separate homosexuals messaged me, in unision, to say “divorce suits him doesn’t it?” so if Kevin wants to go down that road…I’m just saying it’s open. On which note, Stacey says that Kevin is a complete gent and all her pals love him and think the nation are behind him 100% and that when she gets booted out Week 5 she’ll only have herself to blame.

Training now, and Stacey pops in to the training room squeaking about how she feels like a 12 year old wearing her first pair of heels for the first time. I wore my first pair of heels at the age of 6, AMATEUR. Indeed

within a few minutes she’s in her bare feet, the slacker (hang on, those three homosexuals are messaging me again asking me if I know what Kevin’s shoe size is, can anyone help?). They go on some more about how they’re making Strictly history by doing the quickstep in Week 1 and alright alright enough already.

TO THE BUS STOP!

And to think they call it “man”spreading, you could drive a speedboat through there. The storyline here is that these two are waiting for a bus and…ok either they’re waiting for a bus to go to Strictly but it doesn’t turn up so they decide to put on their own Strictly there in the rain OR they’re waiting for a bus to take them somewhere else but then realise they’d rather stay here, at Strictly, instead. When did we get so meta-textual in Week 1, BRING BACK THE SIMPLICITY OF A FLYING CRICKET BAT. Anyway whatever they’re doing, they’re being VERY cutesy about it



like, the whole routine is 50% quickstep, 50% people riffing off The Snoopy Dance from A Charlie Brown Christmas Also, I am constantly distracted by Kevin’s trousers, and not for the usual reasons. Because they are HUGE. His knee pops up through the thigh, the seat of the pants is riding somewhere about 7 inches below his buttocks, and he keeps on coming perilously close to ramming his heel through the hems of the legs. These are some granddad pants right here. Anyway, Stacey’s very good on her own, and she’s good in closed hold (when she can get the gapping sorted) and everything else is…less so, but there’s definitely potential there.

Maybe just a little more straightforward next time and less faffing about trying to win Little Miss Sunshine 2003. (All of this was danced to “Dancing” by Kylie Minogue, which is took my husband to explain to me is basically Cabaret but with more “ah ah ah ooh ooh oohs” in it so maybe the bus ran them over, who knows?)

Over to the judges, where Darcey starts by calling Stacey a delight, and praising her on her beautiful smile. She tells Stacey that she did well to keep up with Kevin as much as she did, but she needed to bring her feet together more and keep her frame tighter. Shirley follows, saying she saw beautiful light footwork but felt that Stacey’s were arms dipping towards the end, suggesting she needs to work on her core strength. Can’t believe Darcey missed an opportunity to talk about the core, what’s happening here?

Bruno’s next and he tells Stacey he really loved her energy, like a kid running around a sweet shop grabbing fistfuls of Kevin’s strawberry bonbons and gummy worms, but thinks it led to her having jelly arms. Well they say that you are what you eat, I guess. Craig closes by telling her that it was all too frantic and floppy for him, but considering that Stacey puts her life on the line on a daily basis (oh BEHAVE) making her documentaries she also came out and did the hardest dance on the show in week 1. I feel like he thought he had several points there, but he didn’t, and also they were all wrong.

Up to Claud 9 they bound, with Stacey

making a noise like she’s being exorcised the whole way up. They rabbit on a bit about having quickstep first ooh ahh it’s the hardest dance in the world and ennooooough. Scores are in

ah, the rare Satan+. 24

Lee Ryan & Nadiya Bychkova dancing the waltz

Tess tells us that Lee will be dancing to a song by The Eagles, who are his favourite band, a fact that makes him very happy. In fact the only time that Tess has seen Lee happier is when he found out he was paired with Nadiya NUDGE NUDGE. I would be insulted by how salacious and unnecessary this tone is, but Tess does some sort of weird Hannibal Lecter lip-smacking thing and

oh look it’s The Grinch Who Stole Strictly’s Dignity. I’m laughing too much to care.

VT time, and Lee tries to recreate how he felt when he was on the Launch Show

and accidentally lands on how I felt when I heard that Lee Ryan was cast for Strictly this year. He talks abouut how excited he was to get Nadiya, and says that he’s heard she can be a bit of a taskmaster. Heard from who? Who said that? Who has an opinion on Nadiya? Anyway Nadiya then interviews that yeah, sure, she’ll be a taskmaster this year, why not, and Lee says that as much as he’s looking forward to that, he also thinks Strictly is equally as much about having fun.

Please don’t put that picture up following that statement editors, come on. Nadiya closes by interviewing that Lee is always joking and has so much energy and honestly, if you’re going to do a showmance sex angle with these two, give her some more coaching, she sounds like his harrassed childminder.

Training now and

oh God, this editing style, are we really going to do this all series, this looks like something someone’s put up on their fridge at Uni. Anywho, Lee and Nadiya do about 5 minutes of training and burpees and the plank and some sort of strap based torture device and then the editors decide no, this is torture, let’s get Katya and Seann in to interact with them, we need some humans who can speak in coherent sentences. Lee and Seann mess about whilst their au pairs get a juice and have a catch up and

good grief Nadiya, I know Darcey and Shirley have made lipstick lesbianism “in” on Strictly but Katya’s eyes are up *here*. Lee gets inspired by watching Seann and all the other dancers rehearse, the end.

TO THE RESTAURANT!

Always love to have a romantic arm-wrestle with the one I love. Lee and Nadiya are dancing to “Take It To The Limit”, previously used on Strictly for sweet early waltzes for Zoe Ball, Peter Shilton, and The Hairy Biker. Remember when Nadiya spent most of last series futzing around wondering what the public wanted out of Davood (do you want him topless, do you want him doing contemporumba, do you want hiim twitching his dick dressed as Tony Manero, do you want him banging me in a library WHAT DO YOU WANT PEOPLE?!) before realising that it was a nice basic waltz to a song your mum or dad likes in a nice suit (it always is)? Well she’s gone right there with Lee Ryan in Week 1 to get ahead of the game. The problem is that it’s painfully basic and stilted, like they signed up for first dance lessons for their wedding and Lee only went to one of them because he was too busy harranguing Nintendo about how come Mario isn’t an elephant, don’t you care about the elephants mate? Why is it always a HUMAN anyway, we’ve done enough damage as it is without jumping on the turtles, what sort of message is that for my kids? If anything the turtles should be the heros mate.

Anyway, it’s very STEP-pause-STEP-pause-STEP done cloddingly, and as it’s Nadiya




they’ve added several bits where he looks like he’s trying to drown her in the bath. Y’know, sexily. As well as being very clunky, he’s also looking at his feet an awful lot, which I’d be more harsh on him for if it wasn’t made very clear near the end of the routine that he needed to for his own safety, as all of his left leg gives way, to GASPS from the audience. Love a good gasp.

Hope his dancing at any point warrants one.

They go over to the judges, where Tess congratulates Nadiya on taming all of Lee’s energy, then asks the judges if they were feeling the chemistry there

Shirley starts for the judges, purring “oh I felt it” and

pulling a face that’s suggestive of many an alley behind the chip shop on a Friday night in The Wirral. She also tells Lee that she’s not going to deduct any marks for his trip, because she knows that it was because of some debris left on the floor from Stacey & Kevin’s routine. That cow, I KNEW she was a wrong’un I knew it! Shirley then advises Lee to use his skill as a musician

more to help him stay on the beat. Bruno follows, agreeing with Shirley, and saying that he also like how Lee led Nadiya (/repeatedly enacted domestic violence on her)

Craig’s next, and he’s less keen, saying that he felt all the rise and fall was coming from Lee’s knees rather than naturally, that he was ahead of the beat, that his heel leads, when they came, were mistimed, and that his performance was too stoic and unexpressive. Lee protests that he was trying to channel his “inner Richard Gere”, and yes it was a bit like he had a gerbil parked up there yes. Darcey closes, and she opens by saying that she found it a bit too lustful,f although she did like how he presented Nadiya, at which point Bruno starts mugging to the audience, and Craig makes a catty comment under his breath and then Darcey gives an EPIC eye-roll at these CHILDREN and it all falls to bits. I kind of love Darcey now. Took long enough, but it happened.

Up to Claud 9 they thrash, where Claudia reveals that Lee is in fact the one contestant here this evening that didn’t bang on about his nerves to her backstage. Well there’s one point in his favour I guess. They cover how he tripped up, and Lee gets very jittery about it, and then scores are in

22

Dianne Buswell & Joe Sugg dancing the jive

The biggest wave in modern youth celebrity and he’s channelling Norman Wisdom. I guess these things always come full circle in the end. Tess starts by telling us all what emojis are, with a visual cue.

This is going to be a long series, I can tell.

VT time now and

I’m sorry, but they’re going to make jokes all series about how young he looks, and I just do not get it. He looks like someone who’d attach himself to your friend group when you’re out for works drinks to talk about his three divorces.

Joe tells us about how nervous he was at the Launch Show and how happy he was to get Dianne, and also that he really wants to win. Well if you listen to the Internet Joe, who have been taken aback by a Youtube celebrity getting lots of views for his dances on Youtube, you’ve won already, why bother speaking it out loud, just take the glitterball with you now and let everyone compete for the, how many is it going to be, seven runner-up slots this year? Oh also Joe tells us that he’s got a reputation as a prankst(*fast forwards*)

Training now, and

(*fast forwards*). No pranks please, not in my house.

TO CYBERSPACE!

Like I said, a long, long, long series. (Also 23 million views? Good luck hun). Joe and Dianne are jiving to “Take On Me” and all of Joe’s fans out there – ask your mum. About the A1 version. The play button is clicked by a cursor the size of Joe’s head, and the screen fills up with smiley faces and love hearts before he even starts dancing which sounds about right.

So yeah, this is a decent Week 1 jive, elevated by two things – firstly that we all sat through the Hindenberg that was Vick Hope’s reputation and hopes and dreams crashing about an hour ago, and secondly because of the sheer amount of energy he’s putting into it. He and Dianne are fair sprinting around the dancefloor, kicking and flicking and pumping and grinning like the Kids From Fame (ask your great-grandparents), and it’s all very infectious. What’s holding him back, other than a lack of precision?



This choreography, good grief. This is some school assembly level stuff. I still have my doubts about Dianne, and they are not being assuaged by actual literall playground clapping games, I can tell you that.

Still, a good start, and let’s face it, like Lance Armstrong, we all needed this last injection of shameful dirty adrenaline to get us over the finish line. From the audience

more of Joe’s clan watch on, observing, planning, watching, planning, ready to make their move next year and conquer Strictly for good.

Over at the judges, where Tess tells Joe that she thinks that there’s a great chance that that’s trending already (long, long, long, long, looooooooooong series) and Bruno starts for the judges by comparing Joe to a “jet-propelled bejewelled grasshopper”. Yes, I hear they have those in LA now, all the rappers have them, very bling-bling, very eco-conscious. Craig’s next, and he says that that was so much better than Joe danced on the Launch Show. LOL remember when we all said that about Charlotte last year? Happy days (again, miss you Brenda xxx)

Darcey’s next, and her references are a little less current than Bruno’s, so she just calls Joe a Mexican jumping bean, and not even a bejewelled one, and Shirley closes by getting all “I HEARD YOU WERE DOING IT FOR YOUR GRANDMA, SHE MUST BE VERY PROUD” all over him – also good kicks, good power, good welly.

Up to Claud 9 they fly, where Joe has literally nothing to say for himself. Not one thing. At all. In answer to any of Claudia’s questions. Doesn’t he talk for a living? Anyway, scores are in

27

Faye From Steps & Giovanni Pernice dancing the cha cha

My favourite part of the pre-dance pre-amble is this woman here

explaining to her mum what the Tragedy dance is, because some runner’s clearly all briefed the audience that they should do it on cue when Tess prompts them. And then when Tess prompts them

her mum doesn’t bother. Actually that whole front row is a delight isn’t it? Zoella trying to look fun, Alfie Deyes absolutely not, Roman Kemp looking like he’s being held at gunpoint, Kimberley Pussycat looking at her husband wondering what the hell he’s doing, the whole variety of proles beyond the front row who are trying to look alive after having spent the last two hours fighting over the one bag of Milky Bar Lucky Stars catering gives everyone. Beautiful.

VT now, and Faye crowns herself this year’s THOOPAFAN, saying that she had so many preconceptions about the show from watching Strictly Come Dancing over the years, and guess what?! THEY’RE ALL TRUE! ALL OF THEM!

ALL THE FEMALE PROS SMELL LIKE STRAWBERRIES AND ALL THE MALE PROS WALK AROUND IN THEIR PANTS ALL DAY AND ALL THE CONTESTANTS LIVE TOGETHER IN A BIG HOUSE AND TELL GHOST STORIES AND CLAUDIA HAS A MAGIC ROBOT CALLED CYRIL WHO FOLLOWS HER EVERYWHERE AND GIVES YOU PRESENTS WHEEEEEE!

As for pros, Faye was apparently very relieved to get Giovanni, and Giovanni tells us that he had a dream that he was going to be partnered up with Faye, and it came true. So expect at some point in this series for a routine based around Giovanni having to sit his diploma di liceo without having revised, in his pants, and also Faye is the teacher and also Faye is a pelican.

Training now and

oh goodness, I know I made a lot of jokes about Faye being fragile but I never expected a Week 1 suic…oh wait she’s just on the roof to show Giovanni a fabulous view of her home town of Newcastle

This does feel like a bit of a sop to Northerners given the lack of representation in the cast this year, but not at the expense of Faye’s proud Midlands roots, no, you’re not having her. Anyway, when it comes to the actual training, Faye is struggling with the timings of their dance, and Giovanni is struggling with making a cha cha to a generic modern pop song interesting, so he’s just going to bundle a load of Steps moves in there, why not.

There’s the

Tragedy, the

Last Thing On My Mind (which, yes, we’ve covered this, they’re basically the same thing), the

Stomp, and the

For Goodness Sake H, SHUT UP, Nobody Wants To Hear About How One Of 911 Let You Suck Them Off, We’re Trying To Eat Dinner.

Apparently Faye thought that Giovanni was joking with his choreography when he laid it out for her, but no, really, this is what she’s actually supposed to be doing. Anita Rani gave this confessional…many many times in Series 13 also.

TO THE BEACH!

They’re dancing to “Lullaby” by Paloma Faith, and goodness me, I don’t blame Giovanni over much because it took Artem three goes at this particular brief before we got the genius of Cha Cha Rasputin, and he’s still got leftover credit from the Debbie McGee Vaginal Tambourine Explosion of 2017, but this is the most generic of generic ringah Wk 1 cha chas even with the

Steps dance-moves inserted into it. Faye dances it all quite well, keeping her legs straight (maybe a little TOO straight), and her vibe with Giovanni flirty and light, I’m just not really interested in a generic cha cha in the pimp slot, not after 2hrs 20, give it to Ranjie or Joe or Graeme or something with a bit more “go home” value, cha chas are lame without a gimmick, they just are, the only one remembers before we got props’n’themes was Alesha pretending to be Beyonce, and there were always about 8 per series. This ends with Faye

literally just falling over. Which is a nice trust exercise, but I’ll remember none of this in a week’s time.

They go over to the judges where Giovanni tries to work in a “5-6-7-8” reference, bless him, and Craig starts for the judges by saying that that was certainly no TRAGEDY and definitely worth the wait. Have they sat everyone down with a list of Steps song titles and told them all that they MUST PUN OFF IT AT LEAST THREE TIMES AN EPISODE? I’ve already wilfully ignored about 5 and Faye’s segment up to this point has only lasted about 5 minutes. Darcey next, saying that it was cheeky and fun and full of content and these comments are as generic as the dance, here are some pictures to back up my theory that Faye’s going to go bonkers at some point




Shirley’s next, saying it was fun but stiff and Faye needs to work on her leg action, and Bruno closes by giving a big speech about what a great show it’s been tonight. Yes, and such large portions.

Up to Claud 9 they fan, where Claudia reveals that Faye has NEVER missed an episode of Strictly Come Dancing EVAH, not even when Steps were touring, not even when she had pneumonia, NOT EVEN IN SERIES 7! Faye gushes about how amazing it is to be there, whilst behind Claudia…Seann comes on sinking to his knees? I don’t know, it’s been a long show, let’s get this over with. Scores are in

29. LEADERBOARD?

NIGHT!