Strictly Come Dancing 16 – It Takes Two Week 1

THEY’VE GOT NEW FLOORING!

Welcome back to another series of Monkseal blog coverage of It Takes Two on BBC Two. It’s all change this year, as we now have to see through the last five minutes of something called Letterbox first, rather than Eggheads, and also, did they mention, THEY’VE GOT NEW FLOORING! Here though, it’s business as usual – Steve will take you through Monday editions, and I’ll do the rest of the week, except when I’m off getting drunk. Not this week though, Steve’s in Sheffield and I’m at a loose end, so for ONE WEEK ONLY we’re swapping Monday and Tuesday duties. And so to begin.

MONDAY

Welcome back indeed (Debbie’s got heated towels waiting for him when he gets out, and a dippy egg and soldiers, and you can’t tell me otherwise)

SID : So in the first order of business, It Takes Two now has a robot, and it is called SID, which stands for “Soon In Da’bin”, which gives out facts and the tunes and…I don’t know, more backstage footage of Seann Walsh flirting with the backstage staff by the looks of it. It may not get dropped three weeks in, like those clips from home of people “doing The Strictly” but if it is

here’s me recording it for posterity forever so I can make fun of them about it for the next fifteen years.

Kate & Aljaz : These two were our first interviewees of the year, and what a pair to start on. The main topic of course was Kate’s rampant sexuality, which apparently was so over-powering that it even overwhelmed her when she watched the tape back. So overwhelmed she turned up tonight in a hot pink leopardprint blouse. I guess once that wolf is out the cage, it’s not going back in. Also sexwise, Zoe tried to solve the mystery of who left the hickey on Aljaz’s neck that was visible throughout their cha cha, but couldn’t get a straight answer, because Aljaz succesfully distracted her by being adorable about his nameplate again. You’ll never get on Line Of Duty with that attitude Ball. In further Aljaz news, apparently he wanted to mess around at BBC News so much that a producer actually had to sit down and tell him no. Poor Aljaz. He just wants to have fun. This week they have the tango, and I could not be more excited. BRING IT ON KATE, RUIN US ALL FOR LIFE!

Backstage Gossip : Bless Steve, he always wants to cover this filler in far more detail than me. Here’s a picture of Shirley looking glamorous, and also one of, well you know who.


TURN AROUND, BRIGHT EYES.

Lee & Nadiya : An insight into Lee’s childhood here, as he revealed that he grew up listening to The Eagles, The Eagles are great man, The Eagles are the favourite band of every single member of his family, in fact Lee Ryan based his entire stage persona around Don Henley. No really, he said that. It’s a bit like hearing Ariana Grande say she’s based her entire stage persona on Lene Lovich but…he said it. In fact Lee was so excited by being told he was going to be dancing to The Eagles that he spent an entire evening wondering which of The Eagles many many many hits he was going to be performing to. Bless you Lee, they’ve had three Top 20 hits in the UK and people only remember two of them, you needn’t have burnt those braincells out. Anyway, in non Eagles related news, everyone was very proud of how Lee recovered from Stacey Dooley’s sabotage and we were all introduced to Lee’s mum who is apparently a right laugh. This week he will be dancing the jive to “Blue Suede Shoes” which, in case you needed an update, is not by The Eagles.

Erin’s Eriography Eorner : Guys, I love Erin, you know I love Erin, I yield to nobody in my love of Erin, but she could not more obviously have been winging this segment without having watched the show, she claimed that Danny & Amy took hold and didn’t let go for the entire routine and were the only couple to do so and…that just didn’t happen. It didn’t. Anyway, Erin admires Faye and Joe’s confidence (didn’t watch it), correctly identified that Charles danced to a disco track, and then desperately desperately tried to find something nice to says about the clip of Susannah being shown, then relapsed into Demo Time. Maybe she’ll have caught up by tomorrow?

Seann & Katya : For those of you worrying, fretting, and sending death threats to the BBC, it turns out that Seann Walsh wasn’t bothered at all by Shirley telling him to tie his hair back, you can now all move on to being outraged that Craig told Graeme that his hands look like cricket bats. WHICH IS A VERY SENSITIVE ISSUE FOR SOME MEN. Also I was very much gratified in this segment to learn that Zoe Ball also calls the show “The Bodyguard”, because everyone does, because everyone should, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN CALLED. Anyway, Seann and Katya have great chemistry, and are already trying to patent “The Walsh Snap” (ie, what happens when you ask that one X Factor judge about his sexuality) and are eager to come up with various exciting moves that can rival the “chuck” that they did at the end of his tango. This week they will be dancing a jive to “I’m Still Standing”, and HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Oh dear.

TUESDAY

Erin’s Eriography Eorner : First things first: Zoe seems to be calling Erin “Boagy” now, and I’m wondering how long that’s going to last before Miss Whiplash makes it clear that it’s not an especially flattering nickname. If Erin gave the impression last night that she’d just kind of blagged her report without watching the show, then she’d clearly factored in some iPlayer time today because Erin definitely Had Opinions. Katya and Lee came out the most bruised: Katya for not bothering to choreograph a proper tango, and Lee for not recovering quickly enough after his slip. Pow! Also when analysing Graeme’s clubbed (not splayed) hands during his samba, Erin casually noted “this seems to be a thing with cricketers” and then seemed to instantly flash back to series three, not that she’s still haunted by what might have been, no siree ma’am. In other news, Erin loved Dr Ranj because he was very camp (and as Chris said in his tribute to Erin upon her exit from the show, Erin *gets* camp, in the very core of her being), and Kate for being “very classy” (lol okay Erin).

Charles & Karen : There was a lot of time given over to talking about what Charles wore on the show on Saturday, but disappointing little time given over to discussing

his ensemble here, which I really feel requires some explanation. So far the best I can come up with is “auditioning for the lead in a Kanye West biopic and just waiting for Matalan to deliver the giant sheepskin coat”. Karen tried to redirect the narrative of Saturday’s critiques by saying that she personally felt like she had choreographed a good routine for Charles and she would’ve liked more “constructive criticism” from Shirley. Those of you who had Karen down in the quiz as the contestant most likely to pull a Brenda on her at some point in the series, it’s looking promising, isn’t it? She’s attempted to make amends with the choreography for this weekend’s quickstep and has, in her own words, “stuffed it like a turkey”, and if anyone knows how to choreograph a turkey, it’s Karen Clifton.

Joe & Dianne : Zoe opened this interview with her absolute best gambit for connecting to someone who has made his fortune by relating everything about his life in a manner that would appeal to nine-year-olds: by referencing some random old coot saying that Johnny Ball used to say to her when she was young. The main impression I was left with during this interview is that it’s actually quite odd that Joe makes his living as a YouTube personality because there wasn’t a lot of ‘there’ there, if you know what I mean. Of course, he has Dianne as a partner so he doesn’t really need to say anything interesting or insightful because she’s quite happy to just honk loudly enough for both of them through the entire thing. This weekend they’re doing a charleston to “Cotton Eye Joe”, and it will apparently reference Joe’s previous (only ever) job as a roof thatcher. Thrilling!

Tunes On Tuesday : is not a thing any more, which probably explains why they were flinging out song reveals with delirious abandon yesterday when they wouldn’t normally share them on a Monday.

Danny & Amy : After her fairly subdued appearances on the sofa next to Brian Conley last year, it was interesting to see how having a ringer in her pocket changes Amy’s entire demeanour. She spent the entire interview perched on the edge of the sofa, leaning so far forward she could read the washing instructions inside the back of Zoe’s trousers, all the while grinning manically like

Honey from EastEnders on her fifth packet of Haribo. Hilariously, none of this energy translated into any of her anecdotes, which were all deeply dull tales of Danny’s shoes turning up or Danny getting an owie in his middle toe. Even Zoe was basically “cool story bro”ing her by the end of it. Danny himself, meanwhile, mentioned that he got really into gymnastics at school, and that’s why he’s so flexible now. Take note, kids! This week they’re doing a cha cha cha to “Beggin”, and it will be “really challenging”.

Wednesday

Dr Ranj & Janette : Straight to declaring themselves best friends for life for these two, no messing around, no awkward feeling out period, no “at least waiting to see how they handle being in the Bottom 2” as a friendship stress test, no, already they are finishing each others sentences, waking and dozing at the same time, and freely sharing Aljaz’s nudes between them. Probably. They were also both very happy with their cha cha, with Janette saying that she didn’t pay any attention to the judges scores, she was just happy with how Dr Ranj performed and how they both felt. Well…you might want to start caring about the judges scores Janette, we all remember what happened last year. This week they’re moving on to doing the cha cha aga…sorry, no, they’re calling it a salsa this time. This served as a prompt to remind us all of Janette’s greatest salsa, with her most succesful partner

Jake Wood. Oh no wait, that’s Ranj’s goddaughter, my mistake, easily confused, I do apologise. Ahem. The pair of them will be dancing to “Fireball” by Pitbull.

Waite’s Warm-Up First Warm Up of the series, and also the first recipient of Ian’s Wand, as Graeme took it right up the butt. Because it’s sticking out in his American Smooth training. WHAT?! Elsewhere Joe and Lee both look varying degrees of out-of-control in their Charleston and jive training respectively, Faye looks like she’s going directly to trying to one-up Ashley right at the start by doing a tighter, more refined waltz the week after she did one, Stacey is succesfully receiving Kevin’s energy in the training room (madam) as they rehearse the cha cha, Susannah is still a complete fucking state with no redeeming features, at all, not even a little bit, and Danny earned a Laura Whitmore memorial “well done on yer spins” for his cha cha training.

Katie & Gorka A bit of a therapy session here, as Katie and Gorka discussed why Katie’s nerves got to her so badly on Saturday night, and came to the conclusion that it was due to the sudden jolt of leaving the comfort zone of the rehearsal room for the big glittery shiny floor studio. Gorka sympathised with Katie though, as during his first time he found himself distracted and thinking “oh wow this is impressive”. And on Strictly as well. Katie also received reassurance via praise from the public, although it was read out by that dumb “robot” thing doing a silly voice, so the message was undercut slightly. This week they will be dancing the paso doble, to “Confident” (lol) by Demi Potato, and Katie’s finding it difficult to work out whether sge’s supposed to say “Ola” or “Ole”. Don’t worry about it Katie – Tess Daly didn’t get it right once in 9 years. (Also at one point Zoe called Gorka the “Spanish Stallion” which, no, you can only have so many stallions, and they can only be Italian. He can be…the Mannish Spanish? The Spaniard…Fanny Yard?)

Ashley & Pasha : Another fast friendship here, as Pasha has already been succesfully introduced to Ashley’s mother, who finds his idioms quaint and adorable (JELUS NUMBERS BITCH!). There was also a weird little section where they tried to get Pasha to do an American accent like he’d be unfamiliar with them when…he lived there for years, but I guess we have to play up these culture clashes where we may. You will be surprised to hear that the thing they’re most proud about with their waltz is how they really told a story via dance (/ham), although there’s altogether less opportunity for that this week, as they have a cha cha, to “Boogie Wonderland”, and how can you tell a story to that? Other than the “lol Karen look at me doing no disco moves in the routine to make you look even worse in front of Shirley lol” story obviously, which Pasha is leaning right into. Oh, also, the segment ended with a lengthy session of booty popping from Pasha, and he was sticking it right out there so please respect my requests for privacy at this time.

Thursday

Faye & Giovanni : A discussion of Faye’s cha cha of course had to focus on the most salient element of the routine – the fact that it included some authentic STEPS MOVEZ. Faye said that waving her hands about her head made her much more comfortable, and Giovanni talked about the difficulty of picking up some hardcore Steps routines. Of course it wouldn’t be a Giovanni partnership if he didn’t pick up some of his partner’s skills – Georgia taught him how to act (“no Seann, we are just running through the routine in this cupboard”), Laura taught him how to…whatever it is she does, and of course Debbie showed him how to disappear inside her box. This week the pair of them are dancing a Viennese Waltz to “This Is A Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s World”, and Giovanni is asking us to prepare ourselves to something never seen before on Strictly…a DRAMATIC AND DARK VIENNESE WALTZ. Never seen before if you don’t count Greg and Natalie smacking the silly out of one another on a chaise-longue. Or Danny & Oti’s. Or Matt & Aliona’s Murder Ballad Viennese Waltz. Or any of the times they’ve done Delilah. Or the heart of darkness that was Pixie Lott’s Tulips From Amsterdam. In lederhosen. (*shudders*)

Throwback Thursday : SID apparenly enjoys polls, so every viewer tonight was asked to pick between Louisa Lytton’s jive, Kara Tointon’s Argentine Tango, and Louis Smith’s Charleston, with the winning dance being shown tomorrow. That groan you heard was me seeing two dances I like in with a flipping Charleston. Charlestons always win these things. #endcharlestonsinpolls2018

Let’s Get Fucked With Vicky Gill : This week, Ashley will be wearing a gold dress

Susannah & Anton : God bless Zoe Ball for opening this interview by giving Susannah and Graeme praise for being the first couples ever to do a samba in week 1, I’ve never felt so personally pandered to. At least, not since Erin Island made manifest. Outside of that it already feels like Anton is quite ready to fly this plane directly into the cliffside, as he’s already bringing out “I like when Craig annihilates us, because at least it’s straight-forward and direct” and that doesn’t normally doesn’t get hauled out til about Week 7. Maybe Anton’s just developed a masochistic streak, who can say? Susannah also has forgiven Craig for his 1 paddle, and says that he’s a sweetie backstage and there’s really very little chance of a Tonya Harding moment on the live show. Susannah apparently thinking the most memorable moment of Tonya’s life-story is when she cussed at the judges not, say, when she had a friend obliterate a competitors kneecap with a crowbar. Watch out for lurking Trinnys backstage, that’s all I’m saying Lauren (I’m sure the ski mask will be very stylish anyway). This week they will be dancing a foxtrot to…oh who cares, it’ll be something Anton-y and be dead boring and terrible.

Waite’s Warm-Up Our other couples were reviewed tonight – Dr Ranj got Ian’s Wand directly to the crotch (his hips aren’t loose enough apparently), Kate is missing her heel leads and holding her body funny (and also I realised today that as she has Aljaz she will never get to Argentine Tango, FOR SHAME), Seann is flat-footed in his jive, Lauren’s Charleston is lacking in content, Vick’s waltz frame is inconsistent. But at the other end of the scale, Ian had to pettyfog over Ashley’s cuban breaks to find anything to criticise, and Katie actually appears to be CONFIDENT HOORAY storyline over in the Week 1 Thursday It Takes Two ON TO THE NEXT ONE.

Graeme & Oti : An interview of extremes tonight, as we veered wildly from the fact that Graeme’s adorable kids love Oti, and turn up to training just to bask in her aura, to Graeme showing us all an Instagram shot of him getting a spray-tan and in his pants, let’s be honest, showing a frankly obscene about of bulge. Chucky Venice you have been deposed, there’s a new leader in the race to be the Instagram Thirst Shot King Of The Series. We veered also from Graeme reeling off a long list of cricketing friends who have got in touch to show their love and support, and Oti saying that frankly she didn’t know who he was when they partnered up, and she still doesn’t really know, or care, remember Danny Mac, now THERE was a dancer, now just dance ball-chucker man DANCE. Like I said, an interview of contrasts. This week they will be dancing an American Smooth to that dad song from The Commitments (no not Mustang Sally, the other one) and apparently it involves Graeme swinging a chair about. Possibly with Oti sat in it. I cannot wait.

Friday

AJ & Lauren : So however much you noticed AJ’s personality grow exponentially between Series 14 and Series then, then extrapolate that process out again for another year, as he was certainly voluble tonight. Whilst Lauren preened modestly about being a gold medalist and managing to pull all her power and soul together on the night to do a routine off 2 days training, and glowed happily to Zoe about being an inspiration when Zoe (not that flipping robot I notice, mm hm) read out tweets to her from children who are also without parts of their arms and now want to dance AJ…honked about how he and Lauren are the MOST COMPETITIVE COUPLE STRICTLY HAS EVER SEEN, gabbled on weirdly about Lauren’s “mental lows” in training (?) got adorably super-defensive over that dropped catch on The Launch Show this week and proudly boasted that everything is twice as hard this week IT’S THE HARDEST EVER, HE CAN’T BELIEVE HOW HARD IT IS ZOE (madam). He and Lauren are dancing the Charleston, and it sounds a bit like Lauren’s face might be meeting the floor, so get ready for a poll about whose fault it was this time.

NEW PRO SHOWCASE : Hey, did you know that we have three new pros this year? WELL HERE THEY ARE

whirling around stroking one another in an abandoned All Bar One and saying things like “I mean business” and “I’m not here to play games” and…I mean, two of you are seat fillers so that’s pretty much the upper limit of what you’ll get to do guys, I don’t know what to tell you. Anywho, Luba talked about her childhood a bit, Johannes used a load of codewords for “gay” so if you’re wondering why he’s on the bench…and Graziano whirled his hair around a lot again. Hair hair hair hair hair.

Gethin’s Bierotic Backstage Adventures : A renaming for this segment, as by far the most electric frisson in this segment this week came when Gethin told Faye that it’s a pity she’s married, otherwise he’d be right on it and no mistake. Poor Mr Faye, how do you compete with that? Anywhere, elsewhere in Gethin’s romanings he stumbled upon Neil trying to pull muscle on Luba and Johannes amongst the Ranks Of The Damned, like them failing to find anyone for him to partner in three series makes him their daddy or something, and also Susannah and Seann (talking of the damned…). Seann promised a big surprise for Shirley involving his hair (I’m hoping for either a massive afro or a complete shave and will accept nothing else) and Susannah…seems to think we’re on her side in her feud with Craig and honey, I’ve got news for you, we ain’t, nobody is, nobody, he’s got 15 years on you, give it up.

The Friday Panel : Excuse me if I’m still boycotting Biggins, but it’s still not long enough for me since he was on Celebrity Big Brother and making Holocaust jokes and disgusting bigoted comments about bisexuals, but he didn’t say anything of interest anyway, and I’d give you strong odds he didn’t watch the show on Saturday, so you’re not missing much (don’t worry the two of you who had him in the quiz, you’re still getting points). Gemma Atkinson and Alex Zane were our other two guests, with Alex taking the tried and trusted guest path of just repeating out loud something that happened on the show on Saturday with a “wasn’t that amazing?!” tone of voice (Dr Ranj! Joe! Anton!) and Gemma taking the tried and tested former contestant route of shining an insightful spotlight on what she learnt of the pro’s personalities from hanging out with them backstage, like “Oti is bonkers, but in a fun way”, “Giovanni always does great choreography” and “Gorka goes like a train and isn’t afraid to be…there for her”. They all think Susannah is going home. Gemma was too nice to say it, but you could tell.

That Fan Vote Thing From Yesterday : Kara’s Argentine Tango won, lol, I’m sorry Kartem Army, you’re clearly still there waiting, lurking beneath the surface. Of course we only got to see a third of the routine, because we needed more time for Biggins to go “no Vick and Giovanni were fabulous with their salsa I don’t know what that Arlene Phillips was talking about!”. Get ready to rig another poll for her though gang, rumba next yah?

Backstage At The Credits Filming : Sure we learned many things in this segment, like the fact that AJ is already roping Lauren into filming him for Instagram, and that some of the pros were comfortable giving their celebs a lot of choreography right on the first day (Amy) but let’s be clear, the best bit by a mile was Dr Ranj walking backwards chanting “MISS RAAAAAANJIE” then ploughing into a light fixture. I feel so validated.

Vick & Graziano : The elephant in the room (ie that everyone thought that Vick was going to be good and instead she sucked harder than a pool filter) was swiftly addressed here, although Vick put everyone’s high expectations of her down to them finding Graziano so “compelling” rather than, say, the murblings about her contemporary dance background or how she even got in the cast in the first place if she wasn’t there to be a dirty ringah. Fortunately this week they have a waltz, and Vick’s loving it and Graziano’s loving it, and Zoe’s decided she always knew that Vick would be a ballroom girl, and they’re dancing to the big 11 o’clock number from West Side Story so it’s allllllllll gonna be alright? Right? RIGHT?! In other Vick and Graziano news, their respective families met one another after the show last weekend, and neither had a clue what the other lot were saying. Sounds like the start to a delightful romcom to me.

Stacey & Kevin : These two made the interesting decision tonight to turn up freshly triple dipped in the spray tan booth, meaning that Kevin was flopping and slopping and skidding around the floor from the off, and the pair of them were gradually turning more and more orange throughout. There were two themes running through tonight’s interview – first of all, yet again, how hard it is and how daunting it is to be told you’ve got quickstep in Week 1 (REALLY?!) and secondly, how Kevin & Stacey are beloved by all the stars of the 80s – Jason Donovan, Sinitta and…well that’s it, but it’s a start. Tiffany looked interested when she was performing later, maybe got on her, you’ll need all the fans you can get in the face of Joe’s army. Also…is Sinitta ok? This tweet

would suggest she’s not ok. This week they will be doing the cha cha, which Kevin was very very keen to get up and demonstrate. Stacey? Less so.

It’s Never Too Early, For A Guest Appearance From Shirley Yes, here she was, spinning in on the arm of Kevin (clearly not everyone is “captivated” by Graziano) to give us vast insight into her role as a judge now in her second ye…oh no wait, she’s just going to talk about Hairgate. Again. I feel like it’s now every week that we’ve had to sit through someone explaining Hairgate. Zoe, Erin, Seann (in fact Seann has written an editorial in The Independent about it), and now Shirley. All this time devoted to the lamest scandal in Strictly history, except maybe the never ending saga of Alesha’s grammer. Other than that Shirley spent her time trying (and to be honest, failing) to defend giving Dr Ranj’s cha cha her highest score of the night, and dropping vague hints that she and Darcey reconnected very quickly at the Launch Show filming. VERY quickly. If you see what I mean.

Pro Dance Rehearsals : The pro dance this week is a dystopian paso doble, and everyone spent the entire VT hinting that Gorka/AJ and Neil/Kevin might be doing it gaywise as part of the routine, but nobody said it explictly, so wonder away for the next two days I guess.

TIFFANY

Legend.