So remember when Darcey was a Guest Judge in Series 7, and she was kind of dull and just gave everything a 9 and we all thought she was rubbish and didn’t want her to come back as a full time judge? And then Jennifer Grey happened and gave everything 8 and flirted with Bloody Lulu and clearly read everything off little cue-cards and we all apologised mentally to Darcey for thinking she had been the worst a Guest Judge could possibly be? Well…
Donny Osmond is here, talking utter nonsense constantly, making the show feel a whole hour or two longer than it is, suggesting that Judy should have led Anton in their quickstep, scoring entirely based on how stupid the costumes are (and some of them are pretty bloody stupid) constantly referencing every bloody stage role he’s ever played ever, and most unforgivably of all, giving out the first 10 of the series. We’re none of us counting it though, right? Even if we like Frankie & Kevin? THESE THINGS ARE IMPORTANT DONNY. THIS ISN’T DANCING WITH THE STARS, WE HAVE DELAYED GRATIFICATION IN THIS COUNTRY.
As if the black hole of Mormonism wasn’t bad enough, the show is front-loaded such that the only decent dance in the entire half-hour comes via Steve Backshall’s Jungle Book quickstep, and even that palls slightly for those of us who remember Scott Maslen’s peerless version of the same theme in Series 8. Also labouring under Strictly ghosts past is Simon, whose Top Gun rumba comes across as less sexually powerful than JULIAN CLARY managed to to the same song in his Showdance in Series 2. Also bombing are Jennifer and Judy both wandering looking slightly dazed through ballroom, Alison being really flat-footed and stompy and for the first time a little forced in her Footloose jive and Tim getting in a horrible muddle in his Cabaret themed Charleston. The latter does however have the benefit of provoking the first bit of genuine anger (or indeed any emotion other than utter cultish positivity) I’ve ever seen out of Natalie, as she looks like she wants to Tear A Strip off Craig for scoring it a 2 and questioning Tim’s abilities. Book the Octagon honey, I want to see this cage fight.
Things pick up a little in the second half, for those of you who haven’t medicated yourself into a coma after the sight of Natalie repeatedly erotically fumbling around in Tim’s front-pockets looking for prop jewellery she can’t quite grasp. It’s Caroline who jump-starts the evening swishing around giving mad-eyes and madder arms for her Armageddon themed rumba, a little bit more Fatal Attraction than perhaps Liv Tyler originally intended the part to be played but ok. I’m certainly happier to see Pasha with his top off than I would be Bruce Willis that’s for sure. Frankie and Jake also both put in decent performances, albeit slightly overpowered by their theming in both cases – using America for a paso doble means that be necessity it’s 90% skirt squishing for Frankie and a Godfather waltz means that Jake is a little stiff and starchy for a waltz. No dance though is more…characterised by theming than Mark Wright doing a Superman paso. To the Superman theme tune, after about a minute of Karen rolling around on the floor screaming. It’s hard to take the whole thing seriously, although I can’t imagine we were supposed to. Thank goodness Iveta and Brendan are here to do Old Hollywood right, the latter with an American Smooth that to be honest could have appeared in any non-themed week without comment being passed (funny that, that that should be one of the better ones, just saying) and the former with Thom really really really really really really really trying to push a bit of personality out and almost managing it with an On The Town style Charleston. And he thanks the choreographer afterwards because he’s well brought-up(/built) like that.
The worst thing though is that Pixie & Trent are genuinely interesting for the first time ever, even if only because of Trent’s attempts to sound French, but your votes last week have EVICTED THEM AND THEIR MODERATELY CHARMING BEAUTY AND THE BEAST THEMED QUICKSTEP FROM THE RECAP and instead I have to endure recapping…Scott titting around dressed as a crab/a sunburnt Papa Lazarou. I can empathise with Alesha now more than ever.
(Oh and the judges sing. Except Darcey. Because she’s dull like that)
The mighty mighty Monk Seal 
Perhaps you should embrace the ghost of Alesha and down a bottle of wine before attempting to recap the unholy mess that was Scott and her from that place up North. And as you’re not recapping Pixie, I’ll ask here – is she morphing into DVO? She looked disturbingly like her in that belle wig!
I never drink and recap.
TEN.
TEN.
TEN.
Baby.
Trent’s teeth seem to be getting bigger and bigger each week, or is the rest of him just shrinking? Scott, Jennifer and Judy are begging to be sent home. Poor Scott – that crab outfit was beyond any form of redemption, as was his dancing. Judy has to suffer Anton, Scott has to suffer JFG, at least Jennifer has the pleasure of dancing with the delectable Tristan, though the choreography for that Meryl Streep foxtrot was uninteresting to say the least… was his choreo on DWTS any more accomplished or is he just trying to ease Jennifer’s pain while being ably abetted by the coercion of the production team?
I’d look it up Tristan’s DWTS stint but that’d involve a lot of Nancy Grace so I’m not gonna.
In order to be Old Hollywood Done Right, Brendan’s AS would have had to be danced to Fred Astaire’s Old Hollywood version of the song from Swing Time. What we saw was the version from Gawdawful Sinatra/Buble/Williams Swing Abominations Week.
In other movie obsessives’ news, the worst of Donnie Osmond’s many questionable actions this week was his inability to tell Anita from Maria in West Side Story.
Even more so as he played Anita in West Side Story on Broadway…
LOL
Yeah I might not recap Buble Week if/when it happens.
Trent was adorable as Lumiere (so perfectly cast), but I have to say I pulled full-on ‘nawwww’ face at Mark for living out his dream of being Superman whilst pretending he was 8 years old. Bless him. I’ve always felt he looks mature but is really like a big kid and this proved it.
I always find Mark likeable despite myself.
Yeah, but Superman sucks. Now if it was SPIDERMAN.
Yeahhhhh Natalie – my money is on her in the cage fight! But too many props – smh
Awwwww I loved Scott this week! He even managed some steps and some musicality as well as his usual. I was so chuffed for him!
I hope he gets to stay in!
I get that Pixie and Trent were very accomplished but yet I don’t really care. I can’t get invested in them at all! They could bugger off and be busy busy busy somewhere else and I probably wouldn’t notice they were missing … Kinda like Robin (I only realised lastweekhe isn’t in this series) shrug!
Sunetra brung it, Allison didn’t
Loved loved loved Jake’s waltz – even if it was a A/Tango feel
I never watched TOWE, have never seen mark on any other show and am am sick of seeing him on gossip sites – but like Ferny I can’t help myself liking him.
All the judges’ marks were all over the place tho yes Donnies were the worst!
No that 10 doesn’t count
Nor do a lot of the 7’s either!
Not the worst Movie week overall tho
The first Theme Week is always the roughest.
It was a mixed bag o’shite tonight for sure. Have just watched them all on YouTube cold…so no idea of music, theming in advance…trying to stop comparing with DWTS but as last season had a Disney week incorporating Mark Ballas as Sebastian and her off wonder years as Belle this is difficult. Unsurprisingly Mark was a better crab and less orange. They missed a trick there…Peter Andre should have been singing under the sea and we could have compared fake tan. Looking forward to your recap Monkseal. Papa Lazarou is spot on. Not feeling astronaut Pash tonight but I did have a sex dream about Bruce Willis yesterday so got to stay loyal.
Xxx
Didn’t Mark do The Little Mermaid with one of the many many right wing fundamentalist nutcases he’s partnered (I love that DWTS partnerships are *so* repetitive that that can be a pro’s casting niche incidentally?)
I was sold from the pre-titles comedy VT. Judy and Sunetra running around in a circle doing Jaws, and Alison proudly stating ‘I’m Drew Barrymore!’
I feel like, with a few exceptions, they’ve finally figured out how to comedy VTs (or at least make them more bearable) – there aren’t as many, none of them so far have been serious drains on time (see Ashley with the sharks last year) or too dangerous (Patrick crippling his wrist with the rollerskates). Maybe they’ve finally broken me and my standards have dropped entirely, but I sort of enjoy them?
They’ve also held back from overtheming stuff (Scott’s tango last week aside), which is a relief.
Claudia is a delight, and this show would be a poorer place without her – the unstoppable puns, chucking popcorn down Tess’s cleavage, that horse head, those Superman pants, bringing out the best in Tess, and that one moment when, after a slew of monkey puns, she turned to Steve and asked him ‘Are you proud of me?’ and Steve going ‘No.’
Anton schooling Donny was a lot of fun. Joanne actually pumped out some decent choreography this week. Pixie works best in Disney hyper-ringer mode, and the way she said ‘He was a great candlestick!’ makes me think she’s got some spontaneity in there after all. I have a stonking great crush on Trent – I hope he doesn’t get Anya’d out next year. And I love the way Iveta says TAAAAAMMMMMM. Henceforth, that is his name.
I am holding back on full judgment on Comedy VTs until Hallowe’en Week but yes, they do seem better.
The Good: Caroline and her Dramatic DanceFace; Claud’s popcorn chucking, Claud GOING for Thom, Claud replacing Bruce for-ever; Alison’s adlibbing; Frankie; Sunetra and Thoms charming, unfussy dances; Aljaz; Dame Judi Murray
The Bad: Marks wonkey paso; Tims feet of lead; Scott’s stillbirth of a dance; Steve’s monkey noise; Jennifer’s miming; Simon getting a slight over kicking
The Ugly: Donny – It doesn’t count!
Judy was in fact channelling HELEN MIRREN she revealed it on It Takes Two. I’m ashamed I didn’t realise it at the time.
Bloody Osmond. I suspect that Alison was being relied upon to get things off the ground with her usual energy, and because that dance just wasn’t for her the whole thing went a bit damp squib. It could have been pulled back quickly if it hadn’t been for bloody Osmond though, bumbling around squashing everything. I didn’t realise that the judge’s panel even had a dynamic until he broke it.
In all honesty nothing hampered the judgery this week than Len having to make EVERYTHING into a film reference or song title reference followed by CAHMING AHT. He’s been getting worse for years now but without Bruce there to be even more old man’ish it’s really noticeable that he’s getting a bit past it. I give him 2-3 more years tops.
I’m seriously worried about Darcey. She seems more spaced out/tipsy each week, and didn’t she ‘sing’ on the Diva tour with Gethin’s ex-Fiance? So if Len can attempt it, then why couldn’t she? She also barely dances in the Judge’s intro, compared to those other 2 Hams Bruno & Craig, outdoing eachother to be the campest turn on show. Craig seems to be successfully re-living his Musical Theatre performing past. More! More!
I really hope Trent stays as a Pro, as he’s been the most interesting by far of the 3 newcomers. I’m enjoying his creations, there’s no denying the beauty and style of their dancing as a couple, and in the close ups he’s far prettier than her.
Tristan & Joanne I’m perplexed by – after so much excited build up too. What a let down on both counts. Okay their partners can’t dance, but I feel they’ve contributed to their partner’s confusion.
Wardrobe committed many crimes this week – the worst being the excessive use of PINK! For a Paso Doble? Come on! Okay, the GodFather Waltz had Black, and American Smooth a red dress, so what’s wrong with Purple? Donny’s 10 is cancelled out on the basis of bloody PINK, never mind the dancing. (3.5 for Vicky Gill)
I agreed with Craig that Caroline & Pasha’s Rumba was too “punchy” and not smooth/soft enough, but that’s what the music called for really, so….I don’t blame the Pros, having to work with endless inane, cliche ridden themeing, absurd costumes and even more ridiculous music choices. Poor Natalie finally snapped this week from a lifetime of controlled Stepford Wife serenity. It was like a scene from Strictly Ballroom. But seriously, are we going to have Money/Auction/Toff related Tim themes every bloody week? At least give the man a chance, 60 something, learning a new complicated dance and having to cope with stupid props that don’t work and strobe lighting in his face at the same time as all that…..AND Natalie’s parents in the audience all the way from Australia who you’re trying to impress so she’ll look good? Pressure? I just wish whichever imbecile comes up with all this paraphenalia would just remember for 2 seconds, IT’S THE BLOODY DANCING WE WANT TO WATCH THAT’S WHY WE TUNE IN EVERY WEEK!
Brenda had to show the 2 sides to his flawed personality didn’t he? By creating a sublime AS as only he can. Forget Anton, Brenda is the Ballroom King, and has been since Lisa Snowden. He took the compliments from Len he was expecting about being classy, then spoilt it by chucking popcorn about like a hooligan. Oh Brenda, behave!
The bloke from Blue, oh yeah Simon, just remembered, looks practically suicidal when he doesn’t get unanimous praise. Clearly, until he gets a Samba, Salsa, definitely a Charleston, ie a dance like the Jive where he can use his quick feet and loose movement to good effect, he’s going to come up short. Please no more children and teenagers in the training room VTs, it’s overload already. What’s the betting there’ll be a slew of Busters christened in the coming few months?
I think this is the first series where I actually feel sorry for Anton, and not for his partner. Is Judy even putting any effort in? You know, to actually move her body and vaguely resemble dancing? After walking through last week’s Cha Cha, she promised us “a Performance”. She looked the part – no doubt she’s got a great figure and looks good in a frock – but oh those ugly splayed arms and flat hands like spatulas when needing to use them once in a piece of choreography she found too taxing, and like she didn’t even try to be good. At least Scott and Jennifer are trying. So is Tim. Add Judy to my list of JFG and “Tristram” (Darcey tipsy again) in the ‘What the hell are they doing?’ nominations. Cheers.
I can’t really blame Judy – she seems to enjoy so so much the very very little she does I think it might overload her heart a little to actually try dancing.
This season seems to have the ‘top 4s’ – Frankie/Pixie/Jake/Caroline – and ‘bottom 4s’ – Tim/Judy/Jennifer/Scott – already nailed on sooner than previous series (yep, already gone and forgotten, Gregg).
The middle six do not seem to be in the same league as either end at the moment – maybe only Sunetra joining the top ranks? Pixie, Frankie and Caroline really impressed me this week – Jake will be back when trying to dance to such inappropriate music…
The top 4 does seem very solid, but the order of the middle-ranks will be interesting – the ones they seem most well disposed to (Simon/Sunetra) also seem like they might not the biggest vote-getters.
Sorry, that should be ‘when trying NOT to dance to such inappropriate music’!
I felt a bit sorry for KFG he would have nailed the superman costume, I am sure he was very jealous. Mark did seem to have lot of fun though
The Flackster appears to be rather body conscious. Less drapery each week so she will be popping in and out of Ola’s sparkly strings by the final
No Pixie and Trent were not interesting in any way
TRENT DOING FRENCH WAS ADORABLE, HUSH YO MOUTH.