The Bachelor 2 – Episode 3

Spencer, an Indian, a Chinese woman, and a mental health care worker all hiked into the woods. The outcome of this joke is even more offensive than you might expect.

We’re right into the action this week as Renay, waddling in to Villa Spencer like the glamorous catwalk model she is, is about to read Spencer’s first date card to the 12 other women assembled in the classy halls of Villa Spencer.

“Let’s set sail for St Tropez, but I’m sorry ladies, only one can stay. TWO GIRLS! ONE ROSE!”

Frankly, I think at least half these girls have “set sail for St Tropez” enough as it, but there we are. That’s right, it’s time for our first BATTLE DATE of the series. Oh these are always good. Renay announces that the combatants this time will be Posh Chloe vs Made In Chelsea Superfan Rachel. Only one will survive the next 15 minutes. Chloe slams her open palm down on the table to indicate that battle is about to commence, and Rachel just gawps in horror. Yeah, I think we all know how this one is going to end. Chloe thrusts out her hand for a sportsman like handshake, whilst Rachel just looks shell-shocked. Natalia coos “this is getting SERIOUS”.

No it isn’t Natalia. And it never will.

By contrast, Mental Health Care Worker and Norfolk escapee Danielle and My Hero BRANDAY pull ninja shapes at one another across the table. And this is why they are my favourites.

Bored Voiceover Man has informed us that the house has split into two camps already, and Posh Chloe and Rachel are on opposite sides of this Montague-Capulet divide. I imagine Bored Voiceover Man means the house has divided into two camps and Helen, who sits on the sidelines casting judgement on them all for being sluts, just like Jesus taught. Anyway, it appears the two camps are

Superfan Rachel
Not-Posh Khloe
Russian Superbitch Natalia
Jeneva & The Machine
Funny Lady Jess Who Gives It Up On The First Date
Chinese (BUT YOU WOULDN’T KNOW) Marissa

Posh Chloe
Renay Who Doesn’t Even Fancy The Bachelor Or Nuffing
Comedy Boob-Monster Brandy
“Sit On My Face” Danielle
Tabby Cat
Dead Dad Aisha

I think it’s fairly obvious which my favourite team is. Anyway, both teams help their chosen girl to get ready, with Marissa telling Rachel that she is obviously more of Spencer’s type than Posh Chloe, because Posh Chloe is “aggressive and hard”. Still preferable to Rachel, who at this point is twisting her knickers like a 3-year=old who needs a wee whining “ooooh, I’m SO NERVOUS!”. Renay picks out a scarlet red dress for Posh Chloe to wear like a boxer’s cornerman. Just saying, if I were trying to slut a guy up, I’d want Renay as my coach. She tells Chloe that Rachel talks too much as it is, as on a battle date it’s only going to get worse, so Chloe needs to be ready to SHUT IT DOWN. Chloe announces to camera that it’s so sad that one of she and Rachel have to leave like this, because it means one of them won’t even get to say goodbye properly. Brandy pops up squeaking “OH I NEED TO GO AND SAY GOODBYE TO RACHEL!”.

Brandaymazing.

Speaking of talking too much, Rachel twists her hair winsomely at camera and tells us all that her one advantage over Posh Chloe is that she has a secret to tell Spencer, and RACHEL DOESN’T. Yes, on this show, dictated entirely by the whim of producers (SORRY FOR SPOILING THE MAGICK), having a mysterious secret to tell is really going to work against Chloe. Definitely. Anyway, what is this secret? Does she have two vaginas? Is she a Nazi war criminal on the run? Did she write “Big Top”? Is she actually (*gasp*) A SECRET POVO?!

Not really, it’s that she’s a lap-dancer. OH MY GOD, I DEFINITELY DIDN’T ASSUME THAT’S WHAT “DANCER” MEANT IN THE CASE OF ALL THESE GIRLS! I THOUGHT THEY WERE WITH THE NATIONAL BALLET! I’M SO DISILLUSIONED! Next you’ll be telling me that Marissa isn’t really an entrepreneur! (Any thoughts on what in the “model booker” in Posh Chloe’s chyron means? I’m guessing she’s a pimp. One of those posh pimps, like Claire King in Hollyoaks : Pig In The City). Chloe explains her secret to us – she’s a lap dancer who works hard for her money, so you better treat her right. She tells us that it’s ruined a lot of relationships and friendships that she’s had. She doesn’t specify how though. I WANT TO KNOW HOW!

Back in Camp Borewhore, Rachel honks to everybody that she’s not going to tell Spencer Chloe’s secret, because it’s NOT HER PLACE and it’s also NOT HER STYLE. She says this as she jangles around a necklace that looks like it’s made out of the bits that always fall out of orthopedic chairs, so I’m not sure something being NOT RACHEL’S STYLE is all that much of a bad thing. Natalia says(/lies) that she definitely agrees it is wrong to use somebody else’s secrets for your own personal game in the competition. Oddly enough, Not Posh Khloe remains silent at this point. Rachel says that she’s worried that the date might get bitchy. Erm…Posh Chloe’s there, of course it will. Over in Camp Amazing meanwhile, Posh Chloe wonders what Rachel’s plan might be, as her nipples scratch at my corneas. She reveals her own personal plan will be to push Rachel overboard.

Don’t waste your time Posh Chloe, she’s a floater.

Everyone’s bags packed, and outfits donned, it’s time for Chloe and Rachel to depart for the gavamaran, and St Tropez. Marissa starts to cry. (*shrug*)

Once at the boat, Spencer and some rather queasy looking green cocktails await the ladies as they embark. Spencer tells us that he really like both these girls, and he’s not spent as much time with them as he’d like. Is it because you’ve spent literally 90% of the show hanging out of Tabby, waiting for a snog? Yes it is. He tells that once he’s spent more time with them, the decision will make itself, depending on whether either of them give him a blowie. If they both do/don’t, he’ll just toss a coin. As the boat leaves dock, Chloe says that neither she or Rachel really expected it to come to a head-to-head SUDDEN DEATH date so soon. This means that neither she or Rachel are familiar with the amazing Cawwianne vs Danielle Episode 3 Battle Date, where Cawwianne flicked the Vs at Danielle behind Gavbot’s back as she left and screamed “DO ONE, BITCH!” at her as soon as he was out of earshot. This lowers them both in my esteem somewhat.

Anyway, Chloe says she thinks this has given all of the girls a real kick up the bum, as they realise nobody is safe. Rachel passive-aggressives that she thinks everyone in the house is pretty, the difference is just in some of their personalities and the choices they’ve made in life. (*HINT HINT LIKE BEING A LAP-DANCER AND A BITCH*)

a) gross
b) doesn’t even make sense
c) SUBTLE

Chloe interviews on the prow of the gavamaran that obviously she has a secret that Spencer needs to know about, but she’s worried that somebody else is going to spill, so she needs to be the first to tell him. She doesn’t think Rachel would use her secret as a weapon against her, but you never know.

These initial shots fired, Spencer says he wants to introduce the girls to one of the passions of his life. JET-SKIS! THEY’RE JUST LIKE MOTORBIKES, BUT ON WATER! IT’S LIKE FUCKING A MERMAID! Rachel squeals and claps her hands as Posh Chloe looks bored. If you want to date him Chloe, I’m just saying you’d better get used to him spending hours alone in the garage with them, even if you don’t want to ride them personally. She interviews “personally I’m not one for jet-skis” and says that this is a shit idea for a romantic date. How do you try to cop off with a guy whilst bombing around on a jet-ski, especially as he’s sat there whispering obscenities into its throttle about how the way it’s handling these choppy waves is really TURNING HIM ON. Back in reality, she tells Spencer that she doesn’t like being in water that she can’t see to the bottom of. Spencer dead-pans that the sharks of St Tropez don’t really go for jet-skis. LOL.

Cue lots of shots of Rachel and Spencer bouncing around on a jet ski squealing, whilst Chloe stands on the gavamaran, glaring at them through binoculars. Amazing. Rachel, with hair now the texture of wire-wool grins down the camera that that was a great chance to get really close to Spencer. Yes, because he was really paying attention to you dear. You were basically playing the incidental cat to his bored housewife sat on top of the tumble dryer. Rachel says she doesn’t want to say too much (if only) but… When it’s Chloe’s turn, she clearly hates every second.

Back at Villa Spencer, everyone’s feeling miserable that one of Rachel and Posh Chloe’s going to leave. Really? REALLY? Aisha and Tabby sit out on a bannister overlooking the sea, talking about how stressed they are. You can tell, because Tabby’s wearing denim, a fabric that is always a sign of mental unbalance on this show. Jeneva meanwhile is telling Helen that she’d really like Rachel to come back to the villa, and Helen says she’s just nervous, in case Poor Spencer gets caught up in God’s Wrath upon evil Lapdancer Chloe, delivered in the form of a typhoon or a tsunami or an angry seahorse or something. Renay and Danielle for their parts say that Chloe better come back, because the last thing Renay said to her that the last thing she said to her was “See you later” and Chloe BETTER NOT MAKE HER A LIAR.

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Back to St Tropez, and it’s time for Chloe and Rachel to get out of the gavamaran, and on to yet another “cocktail party” (/wine-guzzling) by the sea. Bored Voiceover Man reminds us that one of these girls will get a rose, and the other will get on a plane STRAIGHT BACK HOME. The horror. Chloe and Rachel toast one another, and Spencer decides it’s time to split them up for some private conversations. First up, is Rachel. Spencer asks her straight up whether she”thinks she could fancy (me) and be with (me)”. He tells her he’d never normally ask this straight up in the real world. He’s usually much cooler than this, honest. Also he’s going to boot her in 5 minutes, and frankly wants the ego boost before it’s too late. Rachel says “right now?” and cackles, and Spencer immediately bristles and says he needs to know RIGHT NOW otherwise he’s going to have to send her home. Rachel stares him down, says that she fancies him, and then immediately squeals “NOW YOU HAVE TO SAY IT BACK OTHERWISE I’LL FEEL LIKE A DICK!”. What a prize. Spencer says that he fancies her, and then Rachel honks “YOU’RE SO LYING” and starts “playfully” shoving at him like she’s trying to give him the less sexy part of CPR.

Spencer recovers by telling her that he’s trying to get as much in his head as possible, so he can make an informed decision. And he’d like her to do the same, IF YOU KNOW WHAT HE MEANS. Rachel replies “I think you’re hot!”. Great. She interviews that after speaking to Spencer, she wants him even more, and she hopes that he picks her. This means so much to her now (oops). Spencer for his part says that he thinks Rachel is a super girl with a great personality who “looks after herself well” with a great big old silent “it’s not her, it’s me” on the end.

Chloe’s turn for a private conversation yet, as Bored Voiceover Man openly muses on whether she’ll take this opportunity to tell him about how she strips off for money. Yeah, seems likely. They kiss-kiss, as Rachel yells from the sidelines about how Chloe needs to tell Spencer about the stripping RIGHT NOW, otherwise she has no balls. Yes, how convenient for her that she would think that. Chloe meanwhile, is swerving the topic, and dribbling out Bachelor generica about being here for the right reasons (*drink*) and wanting Spencer to meet all her family and friends. Oh and coming to her COUNTRY HOUSE, she’d love that. Did she mention that she has a BIG COUNTRY HOUSE enough times yet? Anyway, she thinks Rachel is a lovely girl, and she’d never slag her off, and if Spencer genuinely prefers her for the right reasons, then that’s cool. Spencer says he’s going to make his decision based on how he feels. Great.

In interview, Chloe says she was really umming and ahhing about whether to tell Spencer that she’s a lap-dancer, but the chance just never came up naturally in conversation. Odd that. Really she should have just gone “I’M A STRIPPAH BABY!” and waggled her norks at him. She promises she will tell him eventually though. Honest.

IT’S TIME FOR SPENCER TO CHOOSE WHO WINS THE FIRST BATTLE DATE! IT’S CHLOE!

Chloe smiles broadly, and Rachel says “that’s ok” and does the worst cover-up job I’ve ever seen. Lots of near-pouting and staring at random points in the middle distance looking pissed off. As soon as Chloe’s accepted her rose and wandered off into the surf, Rachel dissolves into great big racking sobs, and says she’s not gutted to go home so much as she’s gutted to lose to a FAKE LYING BITCH like Chloe, when she, Rachel, has been honest all the way through. Spencer grins that that wasn’t nice at all, looking more happy than he’s looked at any point on the show thus far.

He takes Rachel to one side, and says that he knows anything he says now will only confuse Rachel and blur her head (*pat pat*) but he does think she’s a really beautiful girl. Rachel honks that it’s NOT THAT, and then rants about how :

• she would never say anything malicious about any of the girls
• but Chloe is a bitch
• she could tell Spencer SO MANY THINGS ABOUT CHLOE
• but she’s not going to, because she’s just that classy and amazing
• she doesn’t even want to date Spencer anyway, because that he would choose not to date her shows he’s an awful judge of character (convenient)
• PS Chloe’s a bitch, and Spencer’s going to find out how, OH YES HE IS
• I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY SPENCER (*turn*) (*flounce*)

Spencer interviews to the effect that Rachel is a bitter hag and just made herself look ridiculous. Too true Spencer, too true.

Back at Villa Spencer, Bored Voiceover Man arrives to take Rachel’s suitcase to the airport. Natalia looks SHOCKED. Marissa looks SHOCKED. Brandy looks SHOCKED. Danielle looks AMUSED. All of the girls somehow regroup from this shocking development, as Khloe rakes her fingers through Marissa’s hair whilst Marissa decides that Spencer clearly had more of a connection with Chloe all along. Natalia says that she is shocked, because she thought Rachel was strong like bull, but it turns out she is weak like decadent Western capitalists (*spit*). Khloe nonsenses that Rachel is strong, just not when it comes to men. Because she knows her so well. Marissa and Natalia retreat to the Comedy Foreigner corner and say they can’t wait to find out what Rachel did wrong.

Answer : Spencer was jealous of the connection she clearly felt with his jet-ski. Such a tormented love triangle twixt man and woman and machine.

Back in St Tropez, Spencer and Posh Chloe recline on the beach under a parasol, as Bored Voiceover Man tells us that “the sun is going down, and so is… the champagne”. Chloe takes this as her opportunity to tell Spencer that she’s a stripper. Spencer chortles and says “that makes sense”. Spencer is growing on me. Slightly. Not that much though. Chloe tells Spencer that she both loves and hates stripping, and it’s really complicated. Spencer asks her why she does it, and Chloe gets through the entire answer without using the word “empowering” once, which is at least something. She says she just loves the money. All the lovely money. But it has destroyed every relationship she’s ever had with another human being, because it’s left her so finely attuned to macho bullshit that she sees it everywhere. Oh well. Spencer tells her that it doesn’t bother him, because lots of people do jobs they don’t really want to be doing because the pay is good. Oh, well, that makes it alright then.

Chloe interviews that she’s really glad that Spencer took her DARK SECRET so well, as Rachel…I don’t know, snaps a pencil and stalks off or something. Of course Spencer then gives an interview to the effect that this has changed everything, and despite the brave front he just put up, Chloe is now tainted in his eyes forever, which is a shame. D’OOPS.

Night falls, and Chloe arrives back at Villa Spencer to a screaming elated Renay, and a fairly disinterested everybody else. She tells them all that she’s now revealed to Spencer that she’s a lap-dancer, and that he’s totally fine with it. She neglects to mention that she waited until she’d got her rose before this happened. Khloe asks Chloe if she now feels relieved. Chloe says she does.

Next morning now, and some piss-weak Italodisco heralds the arrival of the second date-card of the week, to be read by Danielle.

“Grab your paddles in the boat, the race is on to stay afloat”

Yes, it’s another maritime date. This one is for Khloe, Helen, Brandy, Tabby, Natalia, Jess, Jeneva and Renay. Somebody gleefully chirrups “IT’S GONNA BE CANOEING!”, and Natalia rocks back and forth going “OH NO!”. All water in her country is frozen! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! Tabby for her part interviews that she can’t be bothered. And only three weeks in. She wanders off muttering “it’s fine, I’ll die for Spencer”. IT’S A CANOE DEAR, YOU’RE NOT TOMBSTONING OUT OF A BUNGEECOPTER ON A BMX. Brandy plonks herself in front of her mirror, and complains that everyone else has had a really nice romantic date and she’s stuck with bloody CANOEING. Along with…over half of the rest of the cast. Poor Brandy, so singled out. Helen on the other hand is ecstatic that the date is going to be good clean wholesome fun, although she knows she’s the only girl who thinks that. All of the rest of them probably want to go on a SATANIC ORGY date or something.

The eight intrepid women leave Villa Spencer for the Verdon Gorge, grizzling all the way. On the banks of the Verdon stands Spencer and a luxury picnic (olives, sun-dried tomatoes, peppers, salmon blinis). These are the prizes for the winning team in a CANOE BATTLE TO THE DEATH. Spencer interviews far too enthusiastically that it is only through the heat of pure sporting competition that true personalities are revealed. I hate to think what that would say about me. He hopes there’s going to be sore losers and ungracious winners abounds. The girls reactions to this news range from Renay grinning madly to Brandy making a noise like a stunned cow. Teams are

Helen
Brandy
Renay
Tabby

vs

Jess
Natalia
Jeneva
Khloe

The top names in each team are nominally the captains, although I’m not sure if that’s because they’ve been designated so, or if it’s just because they’re the only ones who care. Team Helen get an early lead, mostly because Natalia is being awful and unbearable and splashing around at random, but once Khloe and Jess tell her to shut up and do what’s she’s told, they win handily, mostly because Tabby and Brandy both decide they can’t be bothered the second they fall behind even slightly. Helen gets very motivational and “COME ON LADIES! LET’S GO FOR IT!”, but this is no match for Tabby screaming “I’M GOING TO FUCKING DIE!” from behind her sunglasses, paddling at the rate of one stroke per minute, then just clutching at her face and crying. Renay tries to rouse her by saying “come on, slow and deep, just like how we like our sex ladies” but nothing’s doing. Probably because it causes Helen to paddle with her eyes shut and thinking of St John The Baptist the whole time.

By the time Helen has dragged the boat to shore single-handedly, Team Jess are already halfway through their picnic, pondering on why Team Helen sucked so much. Jeneva has decided it is because they got complacent when they were in the lead, and they got lazy. Hmm, yeah, that’s it. Helen tries to spin it as a victory that her team got to the shore at all, and given that Tabby is still crying OVER NOTHING and Brandy’s throwing herself around the floor like contemporary dance, it’s almost convincing. Spencer gives Tabby a hug, as she whines that she has low blood pressure and she’s probably about to faint. Sadly this does not turn Spencer on enough that she’s thrown a freebie to join the EROTIC PICNIC, and Team Helen are summarily “banished to a distant picnic spot”. Just like in Superman II. There, Renay moans that the team’s loss was a real kick in the teeth, and Brandy decides that if Tabby hadn’t “got ill” they would have won easily. Yeah that Uncontrollable Whining disease, it’s a killer. Both Renay and Brandy agree that they’d never do canoeing again, and Helen merrily chirps “I WOULD!”. Renay says this would not surprise her. I kind of want Renay and Helen to have their own “Odd Couple” style sitcom, with Brandy as their wacky neighbour.

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We return to the show in the middle of the Victory Picnic, with Natalia lying that she didn’t even realise all the girls were so competitive. She tells Spencer that he should have been there, because he would have LOVED IT. Oh Natalia, he only really loves transport with motors. If it aint got a battery, he’s not interested. Bored Voiceover Man interviews that, as amazing as the Sainsbury’s 3 For 2 picnic food is, the real prize here is quality time alone with Spencer Matthews. Woo. Getting some this time is Jeneva, just so she can be on camera at all before she leaves. Spencer drags her off to the discarded canoes for some quality chat.

Spencer asks her if the canoe brings back victorious memories for her. She says yes. He asks her if she enjoyed the canoeing. She says yes. Gosh, I can’t see why she’s not really been featured up to this point – girl’s a natural. Spencer apologises to Jeneva that the date might have been a bit competetive and “laddish”. Yes, all those episodes of Ibiza Uncovered why they go paddling in Haute Alpes de Provence. Jeneva wrinkles her nose, then says “LADDISH? GIRLS CAN PADDLE BOATS TOO!” in the most stilted manner possible. Yeah, alright Julie Bindel. Spencer says that he thinks Jeneva’s really intriguing, and they’ve not really spoken until now so…what’s the deal with her? Jeneva says that she’s a good girl, but lots of the girls judged her to be a stuck-up bitch before they even met her. That was skilled of them. She tells Spencer that she might sometimes mutely stare at him with a face that could curdle milk, but she’s just off in a daydream. Spencer nods “yeah?”, then interviews that Jeneva is an incredibly awkward hume, and he finds it funny how utterly socially awkward she is. Jeneva interviews that she thinks there was definitely a spark and he is attractive and he has green eyes and she’s never dated a guy without green eyes FUN FACT. So weird.

Spencer continues to interview (I guess it beats watching their conversation) that Jeneva is interesting, but every time she crawls out of her shell a bit, she immediately retracts back in, like a frightened snail. And oddly enough, his penis feels the same way about her so…good luck at that rose ceremony.

From his canoe, Spencer dispatches Jeneva, and summons Natalia over next, for some more boring chat about that one time she called him a prize, which really upset Spencer. I hope he doesn’t watch the intro for this show then, because it does the same thing every week. Spencer lectures Natalia that this isn’t just a pure competition, there have to be REAL FEELINGS involved here, like he definitely has for her and Marrisa and Brandy and anybody else being dragged along solely for comedy value. Natalia says that she didn’t have feelings for Spencer from the off, so it was just a competition for her, but now she’s really warming to him, and is starting to “think about him”. Possibly during her alone time. She could really see them together. Spencer says he could too, and they hug and kiss-kiss. Spencer interviews that Natalia is a mysterious and exotic Russian and no mistake, and looks forward to investigating her hidden depths. Which I’m sure exist.

Both canoe teams close out their date with a glass of champagne, because heaven forbid someone not always be drunk on this show. HOORAY!

10 girls down, and 3 to go, as Helen reads out the date card for Aisha, Marissa and Danielle.

“Prepare yourselves for a vigorous hike, and pack pyjamas for overnight”.

Yeah, that rhymes. Marissa protests “HIKING? ME?” to an amused looking Khloe. She asks if there are toilets when you camp, and Khloe honks “no!”. Marissa grips her forehead and says that she’ll have to bring her own toilet paper then. Oh the indignity. Happily, Bored Voiceover Man informs us that Marissa will not be shitting in the woods, as a traditional Alpine lodge awaits the women and Spencer at the end of their hike, where they will have a girly sleepover. Such fun! Marissa stuffs her BAG full of gewgaws, and tells us all she is packing her sleeping lashes, her hiking lashes, her fondue-eating lashes, and her surprise orgy lashes. Personally, I am inspired to invent Swiss Army Lashes, just for Marissa, then take them on Dragon’s Den, just to confuse the hell out of Duncan Bannatyne. Spencer tells us that he particularly wants to see how Marissa fares on this date because…you know…Marissa….hiking. It’s just funny. He also wants to see how she is when she’s not in a big group, because she has a tendency to be OTT just for attention. Yeah, I’m sure that’ll stop.

Danielle puts on a belly-top and says she’s never been hiking before, but there’s a first time for everything. I’m sure it’s similar to walking back home wielding a kebab when you can’t find a taxi Danielle, you’ll be fine. Spencer interviews that he loves Danielle’s fun side, and hopes she shows more of it on that date. Aisha on the other hand, has been dead dull so far, so he hopes to see her fun side emerge at all. Aisha worries that she might have an asthma attack halfway up the mountain. FUN FUN FUN.

Once everyone’s prepared, they all convene in a field to begin hiking. It lasts seems to consist of “up and down a hill”. As if this wasn’t easy enough, production appear to be carrying everyone’s bags for them, as they are nowhere to be seen. My hiking highlights are Danielle wondering where the nearest pub is, and Marissa yelling “I LIKE WALKING BEHIND YOU SPENCER, BECAUSE I CAN SEE YOUR ARSE, BUT I DON’T MIND YOU WALKING BEHIND ME ALSO!”. That’s about it. Very pretty scenery though. Eventually (/10 minutes later) the team arrives at their Alpine lodge, and get ready for an evening of EROTIC GAMES. A “Spin The Bottle” set hoves into view, ominously. Basically the whole thing looks very much like Johanna Spyri’s “Heidi Kissed A Girl…AND SHE LIKED IT!”. Lots of sheepskin rugs and wooden flooring and hand-woven tapestries depicting Alpine pegging.

Meanwhile, back at Villa Spencer, Renay has decided to indulge in another round of “forget when I called Spencer a slimy fugmo – I REALLY FANCY HIM NOW!”. Yeah alright Renay, I think we get it at this point. Brandy interviews that she loves all the laughs that she and Spencer have, whilst Tabby maunders around in a hammock, nursing her low blood pressure and saying she’s starting to get worried, because the other girls are really getting into Spencer as well, and she doesn’t like the idea of sharing her man with other women. Well you came on the right show then, didn’t you?

To the Alps again, and it’s time for the EROTIC GAMES TO BEGIN. Bored Voiceover Man tells us that the winner of Spencer’s Erotic Olympics will receive a rose, guaranteeing her safety from elimination in the upcoming Rose Ceremony where she wouldn’t have gone home anyway. EXCITING. Spencer interviews that he thinks all three of these girls are fun, but it’s time to see if there’s some sort of deeper connection there with one of them. And what better way to determine that with a variety of SEXY GAMES. First up, that old Sleepover Standard – “Picking Up A Cornflake Box Whilst Standing Using Only Your Teeth”. Yeah, who hasn’t played that? I’m lobbying personally to get it into the 2016 Olympics. Sadly, it is too late for the London Games :-(.

The idea is that each time somebody successfully retrieves the cornflake box, they tear off a small extra strip, making it harder for the next person. Naturally, when she’s succesful, Marissa tears off a strip like Cookie Monster devouring an entire shelf of Marylands. Aisha drops out early, leaving Marissa and Danielle to fight for the crown of Champion Bender, with the title ultimately going to Danielle, who displays freakish levels of flexibility. Danielle interviews that she’s finding the Erotic Olympics really fun, and this is the best date she’s been on so far. What, better than recreating Top Gun in someone’s living room because it’s too rainy to do outside? MADNESS.

Next Sexy Game is “Passing Playing Cards Around Mouth To Mouth In A Sexual Manner”. Marissa wins this one easily, and everyone praises her for her amazing powers of suction. Everyone asks her where she learnt to suck like that, and she grins “practice makes perfect” before interviewing that this date is really dangerous, because it’s making her really horny, and we all know what happens when Marissa gets horny. Terrifying things. She declares this to be “the perfect night to heal my sexual depression”. Spencer grins that Marissa is really funny. Yeah, well, you won’t be laughing soon. Not when you wake up pregnant.

Next game? Truth Or Dare. Marissa opts for “Truth”, and Spencer asks her what the first physical feature she looks for in a man is. Marissa says that it is “eyes”. Oh God, I have something in common with Marissa. In that we both secretly wanted to shout “PENIS!” but are too classy to do so. Also, eyes are nice. Spencer is next, and gets “Dare”. Danielle declares the provided Dare Card too lame to even read out, so Spencer has to read it. It’s “passionately make out with your own hand”. Danielle was right. Spencer makes a tight little hole with his thumb and pointing finger, and wedges his tongue in there. Aisha declares this to be “just like the Rose Ceremony all over again”. I think I missed that Rose Ceremony. Sadly. Next is Aisha, and her Dare is to eat a piece of food from someone’s belly button. Marissa, unsurprisingly, volunteers, and Aisha noshes a grape right off there as Marissa giggles the whole time. Spencer interviews that he really thinks Aisha is lightening up. Aisha interviews that she’s hating every second.

Danielle is last up to the bat, and she also gets “Dare” – the dare to fake an orgasm. She does so. So I’m guessing this is a win for her in this game as well. Certainly it’s enough to get her a rose, although Spencer couches it in terms of her “really blossoming” and “becoming herself”, not at all because she just made cum-noises right down his ear-hole. He takes her outside the chalet, and they hug on a chair-swing with a blanket wrapped around them both. Spencer tells her that she looks naturally beautiful and sexy, and that he wants her to know that. Danielle says she’s really glad to be safe, because she knows she hasn’t spoken to Spencer that much, and was starting to get worried. They kiss, rather chastely, once. You’d think a Sex Olympics Medal Ceremony would be…more dramatic.

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It’s time for the Rose Ceremony! Khloe applies her curlers, Marissa gets the eye-liner out, Renay picks out a bag, and Tabby fiddles with some hair straighteners. Sadly, only one girl will be leaving tonight. Boo. Helen gushes that she’s got butterflies, and is only going to get more nervous as the day goes on, and Brandy hopes she’s done enough this week to stay in the competition. By my count, she’s done nothing, so…yeah, that should do it. Natalia tells us all that it’s getting tighter as more girls are leaving. Too much information Natalia, too much information.

Obviously we have to get the pointless Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Ceremony out the way first. Does anything ever happen at this thing? I can’t remember anything, unless you count Brandy’s semi-breakdown last week. Helen sits nervously whispering to Aisha about how unconfident she is, as Aisha goes “mmm hmm”, and plays with Helen’s hair. PARTY PARTY! Natalia meanwhile is grilling Marissa about whether she has a connection with Spencer, and Marissa says that she is unsure, as one second there’s real LUST between them, and then the next it’s gone, and then the next it’s back again, and then it’s gone again. Yeah, that blinking. Real passion killer. Tabby interviews that she too is nervous, because this is the first rose ceremony where she’s been eligible for elimination. My heart bleeds.

ROSE CEREMONY! Spencer starts the night off by telling the girls that he really doesn’t view this, for him, as a competition. Well…it isn’t a competition for you no. Unless you mean “with the Gavbot series, in the ratings”, in which you’re getting mullered Spencer, so well done. He tells the women he’s looking for something with longevity and meaning. How about you stick your dick in War & Peace then?

Safe are :

Posh Chloe (BATTLE DATE VICTOR!)
Danielle (SEX OLYMPICS VICTOR!)
Brandy
Renay (for being confident, and sexy within herself)
Marissa (for having no off switch)
Jess
Khloe
Aisha
Tabby (because there’s an obvious connection there)
Helen (for her amazing aura)
Natalia

Meaning that sadly, it is Derpy Jeneva who is leaving us. She will be missed. Spencer apologises for leaving Natalia until last to be called safe again, and Natalia rolls her eyes and tuts at him. Still accepts the rose though. Spencer explains that he saved Natalia over Jeneva because he thinks she has stopped playing games and is now here “for the right reasons” (*drink*). Natalia interviews that she felt sad for Jeneva when she left, but she’s happy she’s through. Helen is also fair bouncing up and down over being saved.

We close with Jeneva, bleary-eyed, saying that she’s not used to being rejected, but it happens, right? I can’t believe that she’s not used to being rejected as an actress, given her…amazing line-reading skills displayed on this show so far. Unless…”actress” totally means “stripper” as well doesn’t it? OH GOD, EVERYTHING ON THIS SHOW MEANS “STRIPPER”. Apart from the noble art of being a Finance PA obviously.

Next week : The girls try stand-up comedy and Brandy MELTS THE FUCK DOWN.