This week some of the contestants recreate a famous movie. Sadly, it’s not “The Hunger Games”.
Bored Voiceover Man welcomes us back to the Cote D’Azur, as a solid gold Mercedes mows down a pedestrian. Sadly Spencer Matthews only has a shitty old red Ferrari. Why are we centring a reality show around this povo again? Again, Spencer rides around in his losermobile with his shades and his two days beard growth and his bead-bangle and his pink t-shirt (because he is confident in his sexuality), on his way to score some major fanny. He runs his hand through his Higgs-Boson fine hair and muses on love. When you fall for someone, and realise they might have the same sort of feelings for you…there’s just no greater feeling in the world. That and walking into a homeless shelter and burning a bundle of £50 notes, then doing the Chandler Bing dance. Bored Voiceover Man tells us that Spencer may never have a better chance to fall in love than this (HAHAHA, WHAT A BITCH, well done BVM).
To the villa now, where the remaining 15 girls are moving in. So it’s time for that time-honoured all-female reality show cast traditions – jumping onto beds, screaming. Khommon Khloe and Failed Comedian Jess pile on top of one another, squealing merrily, in happier times. Single Mum and Bachelor-Denier Renay throws her head at a giant cast-iron double bed with lavender print, bagsying it via the process of hurling her face directly at its lower portions. Much the same tactics as most of the girls are using for Spencer then. Teetotal Virgin Helen, Indian Mute Aisha, Wacky BranDAY and Trainwreck Iraida get stuck with bunk-beds, and give one another a conciliatory hug. I bet that’s a FUN room. WACKY BranDAY decides to the David Brent dance, for no real reason. Fun fun fun.
Not having fun, is Russian Psychobitch Natalia. She tells us all that she’s sure it’s going to be fun living with all the girls, honestly, but there’s just too many of them. Make a spreadsheet Natalia. Honestly, it helps. Anyway, she says they are not even her friends! But they will be, right Natalia? I mean that’s why you’re all here – to make friends. Posh Chloe swans around looking evil, as Jess laughs at Chloe’s posing, and tells us all that she’s not a loud screamy sort of girl, and those sorts of girls usually really get on her nerves. *Cut to Billie-Piper Face Tabby and Blonde Made In Chelsea Superfan Rachel rolling around in the bath together spraying one another with the shower-head and screaming* It’s going to be a long series Jess. Buckle up.
Glamour Model Jerri closes this territory marking by telling us all that she’s happy to make friends with the girls along the way, but if they don’t like her it doesn’t matter, because Spencer is the prize, NOT THE GIRLS. Thanks for the summary of the format Jerri. No really. It would have helped Gavbot a lot last series. He thought the prize was a speedboat.
BVM hoves back into view, sighing that each week Spencer will take the girls on a series of dates, designed to show their eligibility to him (/get them semi-naked), and these dates will be announced by the delivery of a “much-anticipated date card”. Coincidentally enough, one of these has just been shoved through the door of Villa Spencer. It will be read by Brandy.
“THE SOWF OF FRANCE EPTOMISES CLASSIC MOOVIE GLAMMMAH, AND AM LOOKING FURA LEADING LADY TO PLAY OPPOSITE MAY”
It’s like Brigitte Bardot never died(/got old, as chronicled second-by-second by The Daily Mail Online, in a manner such akin to a living death) isn’t it? Anyway, this date is for Brandy, “Charlotte” (aka “Tabby”), Mental Health Worker Danielle, Iraida, Jess, Natalia, and Renay. Can the producers stop using Tabby’s real name please? I’m struggling to corral all these blondes in my head enough as it is, without adding multiple personalities into it. Morgan McClownboobs at least had the decency to keep her boring real name hidden until the antepenultimate episode. Iraida, incidentally, already looks like she feels her intelligence is being insulted by this whole mess, and she’s kind of loving it.
BVM explains to us that Spencer has decided that he wants the ladies to direct him in a photoshoot based on a classic movie love scene. Yes, that seems like the sort of thing that Spencer has decided he wants to do. I bet he does it every day in Chelsea with an heiress from the Pillsbury dynasty. The seven datees all gather by the pool, where an array of costumes have been gathered, causing the women all to sprint madly to get the best costume. Sadly they all appear to go for the most obvious options, and the costumes tagged with “The Brown Bunny”, “In The Realm Of The Senses” and “The Magdalene Sisters”, all float sadly away. Personally I think, given Spencer’s…romantic abnormality…they would have been better off going for “Crash”.
Anyway, everyone gets dressed up in their tea-time erotica, and prepares to commence photoshooting. Spencer tells us that this date is all about getting the girls to express their creativity and also to take them outside their comfort zones. By making them dress like theme-strippers. Mmm hmmm. SO outside their comfort zones. It’s also going to be REALLY FUN! No it isn’t Spencer. BVM tells us that the “winner” of the date will get to share a hot tub with Spencer, where they will recreate the most erotic scene from the most erotic movie of all time – SHOWGIRLS! The winner will also get a rose, meaning they are automatically safe during the DREADED ROSE CEREMONY.
Brandy is up first, and she will be recreating the movie “Ghost”, more specifically the potter’s wheel scene. Now, it’s been a long time since I first watched Ghost, at the of 9 on my grandmother’s living room floor, very confused, but I don’t remember the potter’s wheel scene involving Demi Moore grinding her arse into Patrick Swayze’s crotch whilst squealing “FASTER! FASTER!”. Spencer moans “I’m back from the dead Brandy, I’m here to help you!”. So erotic. He then kisses her lower neck as she fakes passion, and Jess sits on the side grumbling about how they’re getting pretty close. The fact that she’s dressed as an erotic Mr Peanut whilst saying this only makes it funnier. Can you imagine thinking Brandy was a threat? Can you imagine that, on this show, she actually is? Anyway, Brandy lives up to her roll by wanking off the clay pot and moaning about how big it is whilst Spencer smirks and rolls his eyes sympathetically behind her. At least she’s earning her fee. She closes by smeering clay everywhere and growling “FUN, FLIRTY AND DIRTY” whilst making tiger paws at the camera like Austin Powers.
Next up, it’s Natalia. She’s come as a whore. The LOVELY whore from Pretty Woman. Spencer asks her what it’s like in Villa Spencer, and Natalia says there are too many girls there, but she’s happy to cosy up to them if she gets the “main prize” (*giggle giggle*). Spencer grunts in interview “Natalia referred to me as a prize and I don’t think that’s a good basis to start a relationship on”. Dressing up a sex-worker on a Channel 5 reality tv show though is how BURTON AND TAYLOR STARTED. We get to the photoshoot, where Natalia purrs “I’ll be gentle” before grabbing Spencer by the neck, shoving his head back, and positioning him like she’s about to violate him anally. She then yells at him to RELAX. WOAH, OHHHH, PRIDDY WOMAN! From the sidelines Tabby comments to Danielle that the whole thing looks very awkward, as Natalia wraps her fingers around Spencer’s neck and tells him to remember that he’s paying for this. Oh Natalia, we’re ALL paying for this. Then Natalia shoves her barely covered arse in the air to such a degree that Tabby can see her spetsnatz. Which of course, she and Danielle have a good giggle over.
Natalia tells us through her dead eyes that the other girls were bloody jealous, because she got quite close to Spencer. I think the only thing you got close to Natalia was being able to diagnose prostatis.
Back to the action, and it’s time for Spencer to recreate the balcony scene from Romeo & Juliet. She’s clutching another white rose, presumably in the hope that it becomes her motif, and BVM tells us that Tabby is hoping her love story with Spencer has a happy ending. In such a way that you can tell BVM kind of hopes that it doesn’t. Although Tabby leans over the balcony of Villa Spencer, and they recreate that famous Shakespearian verse:
Romeo : Hello Juliet!
Juliet : Hello!
Romeo : …
Juliet : Do you want me?
Romeo : Do I want you?
Juliet : HA HA HA HA HA!
Romeo : Erm…yeah?
Juliet : I like that!
At this point Tabby realises that it’s quite hard to get sexy from all the way up on the balcony, because this isn’t The Bachelor : John Holmes, so she decides to descend. Once at ground level, they generically stare into one another’s eyes and play with one another’s hair, almost kissing but not quite. Jess from the side mumbles that it all probably looks more intimate than it actually is, as Spencer stares at Tabby with the white-hot lust he usually reserves for a Masarati. He says it feels weird to be constantly almost-kissing, and Tabby says that she’s not going to kiss him now, that’s more of a long-term thing. He has to keep her in the competition first. In response to this, Spencer kisses her on the nose, and Iraida pulls quality “watching this at home with a tub of Haagen Dazs and enjoying every second” face. She’s such a viewer avatar.
Next to shoot, it’s Jess, who has come as the movie Burlesque. Apparently. I think we all know what the most erotic moment from that film was. She clings to a pole and repeatedly wraps her legs around Spencer’s neck, as he feigns (or…doesn’t feign) orgasm. At one point Spencer…bites her calf. Is that a thing? I mean, I can see maybe a thigh but…the calf? Really? Not a lot of talking goes on, as they roll together around on a giant bed, and then both Jess and Spencer agree afterwards that that was HIGHLY EROTIC. Mmmm hmmm.
Next is Renay, who is wearing clam shells on her boobs, and a green scaly skirt. This is apparently supposed to represent “Splash”, but Brandy (and I) both loudly call it out for being more reminiscent of The Little Mermaid by hooting “WHO ORDERED FLOUNDER?”. Erm…this entire show? Anyway, Renay gets super-porny super-fast, arching her back, jutting out her lower lip and staring right down the camera lens as Spencer paws at her stomach. Natalia grim-faces that Spencer is all over her, and Brandy does some weird comedy bit where she peers through a pretend makeshift bush she’s made with two leaves and does a weird Carry On voice saying “His hands are WANDERING all over her, well he doesn’t have to WANDER/WONDER any more n’yuk n’yuk n’yuk”. Tabby finds this hilarious, whilst Natalia and Danielle all seethe. At the sexiness of the photo-shoot or the cameratime stealing by Brandy, you decide.
Spencer interviews that Renay is a very sexy girl with a lot of “charge” and “grit” to her. Every girl loves being described as gritty, like they’re a David Peace novel. He confesses that he was very close to kissing Renay, just as he was very close to kissing Tabby. Renay interviews that she felt chemistry, and assures that she very much does fancy Spencer now definitely. What a FOOL she was before. Spencer is really COOL. How could you not fancy such a COOL guy? She blows an air-kiss to him off-camera, and we pan to him doing a profoundly silly dance in response. Oh these candid moments. Renay collapses giggling that Spencer is SO CUTE. Never underestimate the power of crappy dancing.
Next up, it’s Iraida, who has decided on “Dirty Dancing” as her photoshoot theme, as she wonders aloud to herself why the non-dancer amongst the girls has chosen the dance movie as her theme. Because you are nothing if not dedicated to derping this whole show up as much as possible Iraida? Speaking of which, the heavens have opened and it’s bucketing it down with rain, so she’s doing her photoshoot indoors. Oh and she’s decided to do the famous lift. When she’s…not really built for it. The upshoot of this is a lot of shots of Iraida recreating the love-scene from the movie Aliens with her playing a face-hugger. She hurls herself at Spencer’s face squealing about how much she’s enjoying herself. Spencer is less effusive.
Meanwhile BVM delivers some quality BVM voiceover work : “Meanwhile, downstairs, Renay’s steamy mermaid shoot seems to have unsettled Natalia”. Although in reality, it seems more like Natalia is asking relatively innocuous questions about whether Renay enjoyed herself on the photoshoot and Renay is acting like a colosally defensive baby about it, pouting, rolling her eyes, chewing her lip, calling her “sweetheart” and snapping “I DON’T HAVE TO EXPOSE EVERYTHING TO YOU!”. Not til Episode 5 anyway.
Back upstairs to Iraida, and she’s still literally throwing herself at Spencer. In interview she says she isn’t sure how it went, and Spencer interviews that it was endearing and sweet, but it was also quite awkward. The fact that he’s calling Iraida “it” doesn’t bode well for her chances moving forwards. He thinks Iraida is a very clever girl (*cut to shot of Iraida parading around holding two massive watermelons over her boobs*) but they would have had more of a fun time around the dinner table (*meow*).
Finally it’s time for Danielle’s turn, which also takes the form of an indoor photoshoot, based around the movie Top Gun. She and Spencer both wear Aviators and then they get on a motorcycle and then the rest I presume was edited out because of its…transgressive nature. Danielle says she was quite tempted to kiss Spencer, because he has nice eyes, well what she could see of them when he wasn’t licking a handlebar and cry-wanking.
It’s time now for Spencer to decide on who he wants to take into the hot-tub. After ascertaining that the motorbike will not in fact fit in there, he decides on another type of bike entirely (A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA) and chooses Jess. Renay smiles the smile of a condemned woman, as Jess and Spencer wander off together to the hot tub. Danielle chimes “jell!” and Renay say to be fair, Jess is STUNNING. Well…facially stunning anyway.
TO THE HOT TUB! Spencer and Jess strip to their scanties and enter the water, with a glass of champagne each. Spencer tells Jess that it was very nice to get close to her, and also she was the best director on the photoshoot by some way. What, better than Brandy ramming her arse-crack into your balls whilst doing a sexy Frankie Howard voice? Anyway, Jess says she was probably the best director because she’s so bossy, and Spencer grins that he likes being bossed around. Ah, boys who had nannies. He gives her the Photoshoot Rose, and then they kiss-kiss. At this point Jess starts pawing at his face, Spencer necks the rest of the champagne, stares at her boobs, then moves in for the kill. The porn music strikes up, and they snog away, with Jess’ tongue darting in and out of Spencer’s mouth like someone giving chest compressions. The porn music swells louder, and the camerman tastefully moves away.
EPISODE 2. EPISODE 2 THIS IS HAPPENING. I swear it took until at least Episode 4 for any sex last series, and that was because Cawwianne was so in heat that it was that or have her roaming the streets at night rending her skirts like Blanche Dubois. To be fair, they did get him all riled up with that motorcycle first. He would have leaped on any girl in there and made her make “brrrm, BRRRRM” noises. If there’d not been a girl there he would have just shoved his crotch against the filter and let nature take its course.
Anyway, once the hot-tub action is over, Jess interviews that as the first girl to “kiss” Spencer she doesn’t really want to tell anybody because it will make them all “raise their games” (/”spread their legs”). I love the idea that getting these women to raise their games would be a bad thing. The new heights of desperation scaled would surely only put any sane man (or Spencer Matthews) off. She wanders back in to the other girls, in a dressing gown, walking slightly bow-legged with lipstick all over her face, grinning madly. Yeah Jess. Nice and subtle. Everyone whoop whoops and Chloe asks Jess if she’s really happy to be safe. Jess giggles that she is REALLY HAPPY. Khloe asks her if she feels massive relief. Jess grins she did indeed just feel a massive relief (all over her boobs). Iraida who, lest we forget, has a master in Psychology, and therefore is an expert on human body language and has picked up on things that other girls might have missed, asks Jess if she just kissed Spencer. Jess honks “A LADY NEVER KISSES AND TELLS” and pulls a face like a kid who’s just been caught with a hand in her cookie jar.
SHE’S SO SUBTLE.
Brandy then hoots “BUT ARE YOU A LADY?!?!?!” and Jerri high-fives her. Oh Brandy.
Next day now, and it’s time for Tabby (who has come today dressed as Pearl Jam) to read the second date-card.
“Life’s a beach when you’re looking for love, so hoist up your sails, grab your bikinis, and let’s go have some fun in the sun”.
So descriptive. This date is for Aisha, Chloe L-C (double barrelled surname? I KNEW IT!), Helen, Jeneva, Jerri, Khloe, Marissa and Rachel. BVM tells us, in case we hadn’t noticed, that these 8 girls are the ones who didnt get to participate in the photoshoot date. He also tells us that it’s time once again to wheel out the GAVAMARAN. A name I am very much still using. Sadly, rather than a soggy zipline, the gavamaran will be taking the girls to a beach party, complete with booze and…well, just booze really. Everyone runs off to get ready and compare boobs. Chloe wrly smiles and says Spencer is obviously using this whole “beach party” front as an excuse to get them in their bikinis. Yes, because you’d be so demure otherwise. Khloe asks Marissa if she thinks her tob is “too much” and Marissa tells her not to worry – Confucius say, “man who have boobs, is fine woman indeed”. Whoever Confucius is. What a shame Marissa never got to do that Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon photoshoot. (To be fair, she doesn’t mention being a Secret Chinese once this week, but I’m going to need time to come up with another joke for her. Yes, just the one). Anyway, Marissa announces that she’s feeling VERY HORNY so Spencer better watch out, then she Khloe and Rachel all writhe around on top of one another in their bikinis screaming and being pseudo-lesbians. Quite.
SADLY THOUGH, ONE GIRL IS UNABLE TO GET INTO THE PSEUDO-LESBIAN SPIRIT, AS SHE IS CURRENTLY IN THE GARDEN CRYING ABOUT HER DEAD FATHER! LET’S GO AND HAVE A GAWP!
Turns out it’s Aisha (who?), who is feeling antsy about going out on the Gavamaran, as her father drowned at sea in Goa thirteen years ago, when he got sucked underwater by a whirlpool and she’s never been out on a boat since. She interviews that she hopes Spencer understands if she’s not leaping about screaming “I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT!” whilst smearing whipped cream on her tits like everyone else. It’s not Spencer you’ve got to worry about Aisha, it’s the production team. If this is your storyline you really need to amp it up to stay on. Maybe burst into tears whilst walking past a paddling pool. Start stinking the house out because you’re too afraid of plugholes to bathe. Something like that. This is all too tame and human and realistic.
The beach-party date-goers all embark onto the Gavamaran, whilst the photoshoot girls gather in their bikinis at the shoreline to see them off. Well, most of the girls are there to see them off, Brandy is there to constantly hoik her boobs and ask Jess yet again if she kissed Spencer in the jacuzzi. Jess giggles “OH, WELL, MAYBE *hint hint*” before following it up with “nah, I’m going to wait and see”. SO SUBTLE. She reiterates in interview that she’s not going to tell the other girls about the “kiss” because she doesn’t want there to be any jealousy or bitchiness. Because being incredibly coy and annoying about it is REALLY going to win them over. She admits that she has told Khloe that “a kiss had happened”, because she trusts Khloe, and knows she won’t blab it to everyone else.
On the Gavamaran, it’s time to bust out the champagne, and everyone guzzles away merrily…except Aisha (and Helen, but we’ll get to her later). Spencer takes her to one side to ask what’s wrong. Right on the edge of the boat, with their feet dangling out over the water. Great work. Aisha talks about how her dad died, and then Spencer talks about how his brother also died once, and it’s all very maudlin and “they came out of the conversation with a new found respect for one another”, which is always fun to recap.
BEACH PARTY TIME! Marissa dances around in what looks like the Borat mankini, singing “Get Down Tonight” by KC & The Sunshine Band. Now this is more like it. Everyone sits around on deckchairs and a beach blanket as she tells Spencer that he should probably keep his distance today, because she may very well sexually assault him if he gets any closer to her. So tempting. Sadly this display of wanton lust has put off Helen (who, lest we forget, introduced herself to Spencer via the language of shaking her boobs in his face) who is dressed as the unhinged vicar’s wife from a Poirot, and who is sitting on the side clucking her tongue and saying she doesn’t understand why sex is SO IMPORTANT to everyone. She likes to get to know people for who they REALLY ARE without all that icky sex stuff hanging over your head. Is it really THAT IMPORTANT? (*hyperventilates into a brown paper bag*)
*Cut to Marissa sat on the floor shouting “I WONDER HOW GOOD SPENCER IS IN BED!” whilst he’s sat about three feet away from her*
Spencer has decided it’s time to cool Marissa down with some good old-fashioned physical exercise, via the medium of beach games. First up, dodgeball! All the girls sprint around squealing, whilst we cut to Helen seething in her sunhat about how Spencer loves Khloe in her skimpy outfit the most, because he can see her WANTON HEATHEN BREASTS. She is a TYPICAL MALE FANTASY and a DIRTY BIRDY and Helen DOES NOT LIKE HER. Helen decides that she wants to talk to Spencer about his real reasons for doing the show. Is he for Jesus, like she is? Or does he just want to get his SIN-STICK POLISHED? We cut back to Khloe vs Helen in a particularly vicious game of dodgeball, where Helen SPRINTS towards the beach-ball, snatches it out of Khloe’s hands, then spikes it into her face. Such violence.
Meanwhile, back at Villa Spencer, doubts are also creeping in, as Renay sits and lounges in her leopard print top, grizzling. She’s had the epiphany that Spencer was grinding up on every girl in their photoshoots yesterday (except Iraida obv) in exactly the same way, and she wonders if it might all just be a bit of a put-on. Danielle and Tabby are also sat by the pool, and Danielle tells us all that she’s worked out that Spencer is in fact using the exact same lines on every girl. See, you only learn these dating skills and jerk-radar insights in Norwich. Those guys will say “SIT ON MY FACE!” to anybody.
Back at the beach, and it’s time for limbo. Apparently the winner of this tournament to show spine-flexibility gets to spend time alone with Spencer. Turns out it’s Khloe. Try to look surprised. Turns out that none of the other girls have quite her degree of bendiness. (Iraida in particular almost cripples herself trying to get under a bar that’s about the same height as she is). Also she cheats wantonly, which Spencer overlooks like a true dad, prompting Posh Chloe to snark “oooh, favouritism” as she slurps at her Prosecco. Jerri congratulates Khloe on her victory, and she and Spencer head off to have a PRIVATE MOMENT. I hope he’s recovered sufficiently from his last one to be able to perform. It is very humid. Maybe if he looks at this copy of “Throttle Nation” over her shoulder whilst they’re at it.
Did I mention that BVM just said “Khloe got the thumbs up from Spencer”. He totally did. I love him so. Anyway, their private moment is taking place right at the edge of the sea. Khloe takes this opportunity to say that whilst they’ve had a very chilled out date today (apart from those three minutes where Rachel had to wrench a bottle of Matthias Rose out of Marissa’s hands before she did a Kinga with it, whilst Helen jammed her fingers in her ears screaming the Lord’s Prayer over and over again until Jeneva assured her that it had all stopped), the girls yesterday came back saying that Spencer had been all over them, frotting them up. Using the following words :
“Oh yeah, he was trying to kiss us all, it’s definitely a game, his nose was on all of ours, he was grabbing us, he loves boobs”.
These words are attributed to Renay incidentally. I am so sure.
Anyway, Khloe is apparently saying this to ask if Spencer’s isn’t being a bit of a player, but it kind of comes across a bit like she’s a bit jealous that Natalia got to re-enact a scene from The Human Sexipede with Spencer whilst she had to spend three hours playing Ultimate Frisbee to even have a conversation with him. Anyway, Spencer pulls lots of “I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE SAID THAT! THAT NEVER HAPPENED!” faces that are kind of heroic in their lack of effort to be convincing. It’s like Maria O’Connor’s Shocked Face on tranqs. He protests that he’s not here just (LOL) to hook up with people – if he wanted that he’d just go on holiday somewhere else. Khloe asks how precisely his behaviour would differ on these holidays from what he’s doing now (OOF, nice one) and Spencer says they’ll probably be some true love stuff after these initial parts where he just screws everyone. Honest.
Khloe asks if they can go back to the boat soon, then plucks an eyelash off his face and says “make a wish”. She then doesn’t give him a blowie. With these mixed messages, I choose to believe that Khloe is now playing Spencer as hard as he’s playing everyone else, and I heartily endorse her as my new heroine, along with Danielle the Mental Health Care Worker and Tabby and…I don’t know Brandy until she has the nervous breakdown she’s about to have in about 10 minutes time. Spencer tells Khloe he’s really enjoyed the day and Khloe laughs in his face (<3) and says she’s really enjoyed it as well. She then musses his hair and cuddles up to Spencer. Spencer tells her that he’s surprised she’s so much more insecure than he thought, then grins over her shoulder about it to indicate to us all that her supposed low self-esteem really turns him on. HOORAY. They both interview to the effect that Khloe’s really guarded, and Spencer really sin’t, and they’re going to have to find some middle ground somewhere.
Hopefully with him GENUINELY falling for her, and her stomping on his heart and running off to shag the rest of Man City. FOR THE GLORY.
Meanwhile, back on the Gavamaran…it turns out that Khloe’s leakier than Sharon Osbourne’s breast implants and has told all the other girls about Jess’ “kiss” with Spencer. Well, she’s told Chloe at least, which is more or less the same thing. It only makes me love Khloe MORE that she went straight to Jess’ arch-rival with her secret. Such a stirrer. Helen meanwhile is yelling that she KNEW THIS, because Jess came back with LIPSTICK ALL ROUND HER MOUTH, THE DIRTY WENCH. SHE KNEW ALL ALONG! Chloe gives a quite amazing “…ok” to Helen’s yelling. She then follows up saying that she finds this interesting, because Jess was acting all prudish and innocent but it turns out she’s not so clean after all. I feel a plan brewing in Chloe’s diabolical mind. I hope it’s suitably humiliating.
Next day now, and Jess announces to camera that she’s still not sure about telling the girls about the kiss, because she’s quite a guarded person and she chooses her friends really carefully. She’s glad she told Khloe though, because she thinks she can trust her. She asked her last night if she’d told anyone, and Khloe assured her that she hadn’t. Meanwhile Khloe and Jeneva lounge around on the Villa Spencer steps, and talk about how Jess has made a mistake being so trusting and naive…towards them, apparently. Happily, it’s time for yet another date card, to be read by Marissa. Someone yells “SPENCERMAIL!” as she runs to the door. How very America’s Next Top Model.
“The sky is the limit when you open your heart, let’s head for the clouds!”
This is a date for Tabby, as if we hadn’t seen enough of her already. WHEN’S JENEVA GOING TO GET SOME AIR TIME? WE’RE ALL ACHING FOR MORE OF HER JENEVA WAYS! At any rate, it’s time for an Elimidate. That’s right, either Tabby is getting her rose early this week, or she’s going home. It’s not quite a BATTLE DATE, but it’ll do. Also, does anyone ever get turned down on one of these things? Ever? Tabby packs her bags anyway, and talks about how nervous she is that she might be going home, and Spencer says there’s definitely a possibility he might decide he has no chemistry with Tabby and send her home forthwith.
It turns out the date is going to take place in a luxury spa, which is only accessible via helicopter. So I’m guessing it also doubles as a Bond Villain lair. Tragically Tabby’s most beloved cat died in a horrific helicopter acc…no? OK, apparently not, although she’s making sure to scream her head off regardless, and Spencer makes sure to laugh extra hard at her girliness as she squeals and clings to his flesh-boobs. He pretends they’re about to crash about five times, and she freaks out every time. Oh Tabby. They fly extra low over Villa Spencer, just so all the remaining girls can wave to Tabby as she screams at them all.
Eventually, and fortunately for all our ear-drums, Spencer and Tabby arrive at the Secret Spa, and strip down to tiny black thongs. Spencer in particular thinks his makes him look very sexy. It really doesn’t. These outfits are for massages, which Spencer and Tabby are expected to give one another. What a crap spa. Not even worth the helicopter ride in, let’s be honest. Spencer gives Tabby a perfunctory rub, and then when it’s time for Tabby’s turn, they decide to recite more dialogue from Romeo & Juliet.
Juliet : Are you ready for the best massage of your life?
Romeo : Yes.
Romeo : Massage is such a good thing to be good at
Juliet : A good thing to be good at
Romeo : Yes
I wonder if this version of Romeo & Juliet had a happy ending as well. (A HA HA HA HA HA)
Meanwhile, back the villa, everyone has got the competition narrowed down to a few obvious finalists already. Chloe announces that if Spencer was picking with his head he’d go for Tabby, but if he was picking with his “man organs”, he’d go for Khloe. (“Man-organs”?!). At the same time, Helen is off in a corner, very noisily yelling her Bible.
“LET MY ENEMIES BE PUNISHED WITH THEIR OWN EVIL! DESTROY THEM, BECAUSE YOU ARE LOYAL TO ME! I WILL THANK GOD, LORD, BECAUSE YOU ARE GOOD!”
I’m sure there are ways this could be innocuous, and goodness knows the editors are going the extra mile with the ominous music and the shots of Khloe with her boobs half out swigging wine right from the bottle, but Helen’s turn for the psychotic has got me enthralled, it has to be said. She then starts rambling on about how it’s tough for her, being around girls who have probably never even READ THE BIBLE and she’s definitely got a very prominent man in her life who Spencer can never compete with, I’M TALKING ABOUT JESUS.
Or Peter Andre, one or the other.
Back at the spa, and Juliet and Romeo have stopped gyrating in thongs, and are getting ready for dinner. Tabby says she really wants to make sure that she and Spencer connect, and that she doesn’t go home too soon. It seems unlikely. Dinner itself takes the form of an odd sort of power game, where both of them talk about how nervous they are, and how they feel like the other one has all the power. This culminates in Spencer telling Tabby that she means more to him than any of the other girls. Honest! And he hasn’t told any of the other girls that. Tabby can ask them if she likes. (*Spencer secretly really hopes that Tabby doesn’t ask them*). Tabby looks flattered and says that’s really nice to hear, and Spencer gifts her the rose, meaning she is safe for another week. Spencer invites her out on the balcony, where he tries to kiss her about five times, and Tabby bats him away each time, telling him that he’ll just have to wait a bit longer.
Oh sure, now she’s safely through to the next round she says that.
Next day now, and it’s time for the pre Rose Ceremony meltdowns. Helen’s is already in full flow as she weeps all over the place about how she’s so different to everyone else because she is a GODLY MAIDEN amongst SATANIC SLUTS and this means she’s bound to be the next to go home. Iraida reveals that she’s written in her diary that she knows she’s going home, and Renay says she’s concerned for her future given who he’s given roses to this week. She thought she knew him, and then he went and gave JESS a rose. JESS!
To be fair Renay, she IS stunning. Well…her face is.
Quick! It’s time to prepare for the pre Rose Ceremony “cocktail party”. Natalia washes her hair and crows that she doesn’t need to pack her bags because she’s sure she’s staying, and Jerri, with the warlike demeanour of an angry Klingon, carves eye-liner into her face and says that Spencer once told her that she was very pretty and had a nice figure, so there’s obviously SOMETHING about her he likes. I think most of all Jerri he loves how you make the numbers up. Everyone dolled up, Spencer arrives, and tells them all that they look beautiful. Let’s drink and bond! He kiss-kisses his way around the room, and Jerri yells “YOU’VE HAD A SHAVE!” right in his face. Smooth. Just as he reaches Tabby, Helen grabs him by the arm and demands he come outside, as she has something to discuss outside with him. She has pamphlets. Spencer looks terrified.
Once outside, she briefly discusses her dress, which apparently has “a ball theme” (Spencer : “my mum would like that”), but then gets on to the meat of the matter, which is Helen’s virtuous nature. Just as Helen gets warmed up on the subject of “not believing in sex before love”, Rachel obliviously trip-traps down the stairs and butts in on the conversation. She tells Helen that she’d love Helen to stay and join in the conversation, but Helen runs away, lest they start talking about Richard Dawkins or vulvas or Harry Potter or something. We don’t get to see Rachel and Spencer’s conversation. Shame. I really wanted to learn what happened that time Hugo and Binky got trapped in the ski-lift at St Moritz.
Back in the room, Jerri toasts “MAY THE BEST BITCH WIN!” and Natalia rejoinders that it’s not always the best woman who wins, and she might not even be a bitch! On this show Natalia, I’d say it’s a safer bet than not. Jess and Jeneva are squirreled away in a corner, bitching merrily, and Renay drags Spencer away from Rachel to come and have a look at the sea with her and Jeneva. It’s a veritable hive of activity, conversations, and manoeuvrings at Villa Spencer at this pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party. Well…except for Brandy, who is stuck on the sidelines having a bit of a cry about how nobody ever told her that they loved her, and that’s why she’s here. To find someone who cares about her as much as she cares about them.
Ah, the tears of a clown.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME! Receiving roses, in this particular order, are :
Jess (Photoshoot Rose)
Tabby (Just Being Tabby Rose)
So it’s goodbye to Iraida and Jerri. Natalia clutches her chest and says she was really worried! Spencer says it was really tough, but he couldn’t see herself with either of the girls who left. Iraida admits that there was no chemistry and she never really had any feelings for Spencer beyond the platonic. Jerri says that if she saw Spencer walking down the street, and she started to cry, each time they met, she wouldn’t understand why, because she wouldn’t even look twice at him. If they’d gone on a pizza date, he definitely wouldn’t have got a bite!
Next week : it’s a CHLOE VS RACHEL BATTLE DATE! MY BODY IS READY!