The Voice Monkies

Teedle dee, teedle dee, this is THE MONKIES.

Favourite Coach :

Whether you warmed to his collaborative approach to the blind auditions (always waiting to see what Tom and William were doing before he turned around), his unswerving dedication to being the Louis Walsh of The Voice when it came to feedback (“you sang ‘Leave Right Now’…but you won’t be leaving right now after THAT performance!”) or the heartbreaking highs and lows of his showmance with Aleks Josh, one thing is clear: 34% of you chose Him Out Of The Script as your favourite coach-or-mentor-but-definitely-not-judge of the series. Danny’s thrilled about this, because he knows you all share the same record collection, and he totally gets all of you. (Steve)

• 2nd – William : 32%
• 3rd – Jessie J : 17%
• 4th – Sir Tom Jones : 16%

Best Holly/Reggie :

I guess it says it all about the hosts’ respective contribution to the programme that I initially forgot to include this poll in the voting. OOPS. In the end, 72% of enjoyed the…presence of Holly on the show more than that of Reggie (either that or you didn’t even notice he was there, in which case, fair enough). That’s 36% for each boob. Let’s hope that next series will provide her with more opportunities to shout, gush inanities, and not react to anything that happens ever. (Chris)

Favourite Guest Performer :

Despite (or entirely possibly, because of) her rather complicated relationship with this show, 26% of you declared Paloma Faith your favourite guest-performer of the run. I learned today from Time Out magazine that she spent her time backstage incredibly wisely, mostly using it to explain to William what “shitting yourself” means. Had this fact been widely known before the voting was concluded, I can only assume it would’ve increased her lead even further. Let’s hope Paloma is so thrilled with her Monkie that she gives it pride of place on the mantelpiece, right next to her telegram from the Queen. (Steve)

• 2nd – Maroon 5 : 17%
• 3rd – Emilie Sandé : 17%
• 4th – Cheryl : 14%
• 5th – Scissor Sisters : 9%

Best Piece Of Staging Nonsense :

It’s hard to interpret really what being the best piece of staging on The Voice MEANS. You might say this makes the category pointlessly ambiguous – I say, on a show this abbreviated with such anonymous contestants, any ridiculous staging is good ridiculous staging. In this case, you have voted for a piece of staging so potentially ruinous that even the contestant called it out as a dangerous waste of time, and God bless Jessie J for conceiving it. Dancers? No. Pyrotechnics? No. A giant strawberry bootlace that almost garotted half the audience? HELL YES. Becky Hill’s never-ending mic-cord won the votes of 53% of you. (Chris)

• 2nd – Tyler James’ Gay Peach Army : 36%
• 3rd – Hannah Berney’s Molestation Crew : 31%
• 4th – Jaz Ellington’s Giant Nauseating Video Wall Of Love : 28%
• 5th – David Julien’s Splish-Splash Floor & Umbrellas : 27%

Favourite Audition :

Of all the people laid waste to by the Battle Rounds, J Marie Cooper was perhaps the biggest WOZROBBED of the entire series – an idea that’s strengthened by the 36% of you who considered her audition the best of the entire series, even though she was performing a Jessie J song that wasn’t even one of the halfway good ones. She may have had the requisite volume in her voice to take her far on this show, but it was her advanced years that did for her in the end. Still, I’m sure the exposure from this show will take her on to bigger and brighter things: maybe she’ll get a regular gig with the Strictly house band this year. (Steve)

• 2nd – Becky Hill – Ordinary People : 34%
• 3rd – Vince Kidd – Like A Virgin : 25%
• 4th – Jaz Ellington – The A Team : 23%
• 5th – Bo Bruce – Without You : 18%

Best Team Performance:

You have chosen as your favourite Team performance the one that truly best embodies the spirit of cameraderie and fellowship found within the “team” system of voice. That is, that one where William hid the women in his team backstage for half the number whilst he let his presumptive final 2 do literally all the work as he…I dunno went “DIRTY BIT!” and played the piano or whatever. Still, at least they all liked dapper and sounded half-decent, and that alone is enough for 36% of you to have it as one of your selections for favourite team performance. (Chris)

• 2nd – Team Coaches – Hits Medley : 33%
• 3rd – Team Tom – Mama Told Me Not To Come : 25%
• 4th – Team Danny – Somebody That I Used To Know : 22%
• 5th – Team Danny – Read All About It : 13%

Least Favourite Performance:

Before sending her home, Jessie J reminded Ruth-Ann that they both knew that she once sang a song in tune. However, as per 50% of you, it definitely wasn’t her cover of Cheryl Cole’s ‘Promise This’. (Steve)

• 2nd – Mooleen – Missing : 29%
• 3rd – Tyler James – Bohemian Rhapsody : 28%
• 4th – Adam Isaac – All My Life : 28%
• 5th – Mooleen – Go Your Own Way : 27%
• 6th – Samuel Buttery – A Little Respect : 23%
• 7th – Aleks Josh – Better Together : 18%
• 8th – Jaz Ellington – Just The Way You Are : 18%
• 9th – Toni Warne – Proud Mary : 18%
• 10th – Cassius Henry – Paradise : 17%

Worst Contestant (Personality):

You’re just mean, is what you are. Never mind, Danny will give him a big hug to cheer him up and also a chocolate milkshake and OH NO ALEKS, DON’T GET INTO HIS VAN!!!!!!! 63% of you just provoked the biggest woobie fit of the series, well done to all of you for PICKING ON A TEENAGER. (Chris)

• 2nd – Adam Isaac : 37%
• 3rd – Cassius Henry : 34%
• 4th – Ruth-Ann St. Luce : 20%
• 5th – Samuel Buttery : 17%

Worst Contestant (Talent):

To be honest, we considered not bothering to list anyone else in this category and just having it as a straight Ruth-Ann/Mooleen face-off. While the vote wasn’t quite as close as we anticipated, we certainly picked the correct top two, and 78% of you deemed Ruth-Ann as emphatically not in possession of The Voice. If nothing else, she’ll serve as a cautionary tale for Jessie J in series two (*smash cut to Jessie J and her agent putting her contract through the shredder and laughing maniacally*) to remind her that, no matter how pure your intentions, this show really does not have a timeframe that supports teaching someone to sing from scratch. (Steve)

• 2nd – Mooleen : 47%
• 3rd – Samuel Buttery : 38%
• 4th – Aleks Josh : 30%
• 5th – Cassius Henry : 20%

Best Contestant (Talent):

Your Voice is a raw, untrained teenage girl from the Midlands who can’t remember the words or remember not to swear on live tv and who doesn’t know what a Jackie Jomp-Jomp is. You have never been my readership more than you are now, and God bless you for that. Becky Hill was THE(/A) VOICE for 55% of you. (Chris)

• 2nd – Max Milner : 37%
• 3rd – Bo Bruce : 36%
• 4th – Leanne Mitchell : 35%
• 5th – Jaz Ellington : 34%

Best Contestant (Personality) :

BECKY SMASH!…ed the two big categories, with 82% of you declaring her energetic, temperamental, sweary personality your favourite of the bunch as well – if we were voting for such shallow, X Factor-like concepts as “personality”, which of course we never would. Considering her initial role on the show was as the stroppy teen who no one understands, I can think of no better coda to her journey than the unreserved approval of a group of random people on the internet. (Steve)

• 2nd – Max Milner : 45%
• 3rd – Vince Kidd : 29%
• 4th – Tyler James : 23%
• 5th – David Julien: 21%

Favourite Performance:

FUCK! (Chris) (A Seven Nation Army couldn’t hold 42% of you back)

• 2nd – Max Milner – Free Fallin’ : 38%
• 3rd – Bo Bruce – Running Up That Hill : 35%
• 4th – Becky Hill – Just Like A Star : 34%
• 5th – Becky Hill – Good Luck : 31%
• 6th – Ruth Brown – Get Here : 31%
• 7th – Max Milner – Black Horse And The Cherry Tree : 22%
• 8th – Tyler James – Higher Love : 19%
• 9th – Leanne Mitchell – Run To You : 18%
• 10th – David Julien – Sweet Disposition : 17%