The Apprentice 8 Monkies

Now featuring PHONE ANSWERING WARS!

Phone Answering Wars: Nominees : Azhar Siddique, Gabrielle Omar, Jade Nash, Ricky Martin

Winner (38%) :

Runner-up: Ricky Martin (32%)

Such form, such beauty, such grace. And with Jenna by her side, cheerleading her(/staring at her in a boss-eyed manner), who could defeat her? Certainly not Ricky Martin. This leaves Tom Pellereau as the only male Phone-Answering Wars winner since records began. I guess fortune favours the geeky.

Best Task : Nominees : Gourmet Food Stuff, Smelling What’s Selling Stuff, Upcycling Stuff, Urban Art Stuff

Winner (27%) :

Runner-Up : Urban Art Stuff (26%)

A closely fought race between all of the top four, and indeed about the top seven or so, as there turned out to be many tasks this series that captured your imagination equally. And you can take any implications out of that that you choose to. Anyway, despite not even making the top four last year, SMELLING WHAT’S SELLING was your favourite episode this series. Maybe this is because they polished, revamped, and all-round dumbed down the task until it made more televisual sense, and produced an episode of simple strategic contrast and charismatic selling. And also Kaen’s orgasms over Tom Gearing’s strategic prowess reaching positively 50 Shades Of Grey levels. Either that or you just all love making fun of people from Essex just that much. (*considers doing TOWIE recNOTREALLY*)

Best Boardroom Madness Moment : Nominees : “OOH! MAITRE DEE!”, Ricky Martin owns Stephen (May I put something out there?), Ricky Martin owns Stephen (stop being so condescending), SPECIFICS!

Winner (33%) :

Runner-up (29%) : SPECIFICS!

That being the picture signifying Ricky Martin riding in to defend Gabrielle’s honour. Yes, your favourite moment of Boardroom Madness was someone finally telling Stephen he was a douche to his face, and telling him to stop it. It was ten episodes in the making but the moment, when it came, was glorious indeed. Let’s be honest, it wasn’t a great series for Boardroom Madness, as almost none of the contestants were insane, but we take these moments where we can, and Ricky Martin’s sustained 10 minute takedown of Stephen was certainly a Boardroom demolition for the ages.

Smash Hits Sexiest Male : Nominees : Azhar Siddique, Nick Holzherr, Ricky Martin, Thomas Gearing

Winner (48%) :

Runner-up (36%) : Thomas Gearing

The above picture shows clearly what happens when someone tries to take product to that glorious mane of unruly hair, and style it into something structured. That’s right, he turns into a lesbian. Not an unattractive lesbian, but I’m not sure it’s really what drew Gabrielle to him. After all, she’s already got Jenna for…that sort of thing. Best to just leave it to run wild, and free, and Boris. Samson had less pulling-power tied up in his ‘do.

Smash Hits Sexiest Female : Nominees : Bilyana Apostolova, Gabrielle Omar, Katie Wright, Laura Hogg

Winner (46%) :

Runner-up (22%) : Bilyana Apostolova

OMG, SEXIEST APPRENTICE POWER-COUPLE EVER! Truly Gabrielle and Nick are the Posh N Becks of The Apprentice, revelling in their sexiness and lording their true love-connection over us ordinary plain people. One can only imagine the beautiful children they would have. Gabrielle would probably chew right through that pen in childbirth leaving her looking…well, quite like the above. I can’t wait for Gabrielle to launch a pop career and for Nick to do a photo-shoot in his trollies. One of them maybe more than the other.

Worst Candidate (Personality) : Nominees : Adam Corbally, Bilyana Apostolova, Jane McEvoy, Stephen Brady

Worst Candidate (Talent) : Nominees : Adam Corbally, Maria O’Connor, Michael Copp, Stephen Brady

Winner : (49%/32%)

Runners-Up : Adam Corbally (29%)/Michael Copp (27%)

Well, he can at least comfort himself that it was less of an utter rout in terms of his competence than in terms of his awful personality. I guess? Anyway, the results of these awards are I guess the best place to haul this out of the comments section and bring it to the attention of the wider audience. Truly it is a gift that keeps on giving. I would imagine there’s still time to get tickets. Better than The Olympics.

Best Candidate (Personality) : Nominees : Gabrielle Omar, Jade Nash, Nick Holzherr, Ricky Martin

Winner (40%) :

Runner-Up (29%) : Nick Holzherr

That’s right, Gabrielle Omar has cleaned up the Monkies, with her third award of the evening. It’s finally happened people. Architects are cool. Get ready for the lifestyle pieces in your Sunday supplements.

Best Candidate (Talent) : Nominees : Gabrielle Omar, Nick Holzherr, Ricky Martin, Thomas Gearing

Winner (34%) :

Runner-Up (30%) : Ricky Martin

And it’s a good job that Gabrielle is an architect, as she and Nick are going to need to build an extension onto their swinging hipster pad in order to accommodate these awards. In fairness, it was a closely fought three-way fight between the three Top Boys from the off (yes, you weren’t in love with Gabrielle that much), with Nick only extending his lead to a clear margin of victory in the last few days. I’m sure you’ll all be signing up with whisk apps as soon as they become properly commercially available. Feel free to check out their website. It features Nick creaming in his own face because Gabrielle’s finished in a matter of seconds.

Favourite Nick or Kaen

Winner (59%) :

This means that every one of Lordalan’s trusty sidekicks has been your favourite at one point or another. Truly, you are a fickle bunch. Who knows why this was the series that Kaen broke through to acceptability? Maybe it’s that she seemed half-cut most of the time. Yes, that’s definitely it.

The Incidental Character Boyfriend Is… Nominees : Colin The Foot That Likes To Stamp On Things, Hamish The Bagpiper, Marcus The Chef, Simon : Tom’s Resentful Younger Brother

Winner (33%)

Runner-Up : Colin The Foot That Likes To Stamp On Things (23%)

And trust me, as we speak, Simon and I are putting our heads together and concoting a fabulous and diabolical scheme to destroy Tom and inherit the entirity of the Gearing fortune for ourselves. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! MORE FIZZ (from the cyanide) LESS SPARKLE!