The Apprentice 7 – Week 3 Summary

Bored of the Manpocalypse currently sweeping the Apprentice cast, Lordalan decides to enact an emergency team switch-up, with Jim, Glenn and Leon all becoming Venture Girls for the week, and Ellie, Natasha and Zoe becoming Logic Boys. Even with this attempt to shore up the rapidly crumbling edifice that are the Series 7 boys, we still end up with a boardroom that only has the one woman in it, and I’m not sure she technically exists. Better luck next time Lordalan!

The task? It’s the (Almost) Annual Buy Ten Items Task, but this year it’s not any old 10ft worktop that the teams are having to buy – they’re doing EMERGENCY LAST MINUTE SHOPPING for the Savoy Hotel, which really urgently needs some camomile tea, some cloches and some urgent syphilis (apparently). OTHERWISE THEIR THREE YEAR REFITTING WILL HAVE ALL BEEN FOR NOTHING! IF THEY DON’T GET THAT ORGANZA THEY CAN’T OPEN! Frankly I’ve heard more convincing and realistic premises for tasks on The Adventure Game. As is usual on this task, the teams resolve down exactly in half for the duration :

Venture PM Susan, Felicity, and Leon : For some reason Nick spends the whole task giving big ups to Susan, even though it’s quite clear that the whole affair is being driven by Felicity in her usual parasite-host relationship with the PM, because she seems to be doing pretty much literally everything. And, as it’s Felicity, pretty doing pretty much everything means doing pretty much everything incorrectly, driving the team around the most expensive places possible to try to pick up discount top hats. The up-side of this is that the most expensive places are full of the Evil and Smug, which makes for great tv, as the three get ripped off horribly over and over again.

Venture Sub-PM Jim, Edna, Helen and Glenn : In this team also one person does everything, and as it’s Jim it all goes perfectly and amazingly and they get massive discounts on everything. I wonder what his one-week Stella English style fake-out “he might not win!” mess up will be? I hope it’s somehow Gordon Ramsey again.

Logic PM Gavin, Melody and Tom : Gavin’s PM style appears to be “repeatedly saying ‘chill out’ whilst frantically looking around wondering why there’s no-one higher than you in the chain of command to blame, and absolutely nothing else”. It’s because YOU’RE THE PM NOW DUMMY! Melody wears the same bemused face that occurs every time a mere mortal proves their fallibility round her, which is that of a mild head-ache and a mild orgasm all at once. They drive around all over the place, briefly threatening to turn this accidentally into the overseas task of the series by wandering off into Belgium, but at the very end, Tom manages to locate and buy most of the items this subteam needs in one go. Bringing Logic’s total items sourced up to a glorious 6/10.

Logic Sub-PM Vinnie Disney, Ellie, Natasha and Zoe : Vinnie Disney clearly imagining some sort of “Vinnie’s Angels” scenario, where he saves the world fanned by his gurlz wearing bikiniz and fanning him with palm leavez. Instead they all hate him, Ellie in particular. And joyously so. Natasha appears wearing New Romantic make-up for no reason whatsoever, and is as awful I’d hoped but not nearly as simultaneously amazing. Zoe sulkily grabs the mantle of Team PA, meaning she is officially not even a candidate, just some sulky Work Experience Girl the rest of them have to put up with because she’s a friend of Lordalan’s daughter or something.

In the end, Team Venture somehow accidentally and randomly win by £8, well done them. They go off for the third reward in a row of “get shit-faced”, this time with bonus twin contortionist hookers who show the nation their pelvic floors. Meanwhile, in the third Logic Boardroom (I’m guessing of many) Vinnie Disney finally steps into the limelight and goes utterly Paloma all over Gavin, puncturing him repeatedly below the waterline. Sadly, in the most unlikely way, even this spotlight is snatched away from him as everyone suddenly realises that this girl called Zoe is here, and she’s done NOTHING.

In the end, it’s the PM who goes, because as Tom adorably and bashfully points out in the middle of giving Lordalan a colonoscopy with his tongue, Gavin has been struggling just to keep functional the entire episode without someone else to blame, although Zoe is given notice that she might want to start existing pretty soon.

Next week : a skincare task one week after Susan, who is a skincare product magnate, stepped up to be PM. SUSANFREUDE!