The Apprentice 7 – Week 3 Summary

Bored of the Manpocalypse currently sweeping the Apprentice cast, Lordalan decides to enact an emergency team switch-up, with Jim, Glenn and Leon all becoming Venture Girls for the week, and Ellie, Natasha and Zoe becoming Logic Boys. Even with this attempt to shore up the rapidly crumbling edifice that are the Series 7 boys, we still end up with a boardroom that only has the one woman in it, and I’m not sure she technically exists. Better luck next time Lordalan!

The task? It’s the (Almost) Annual Buy Ten Items Task, but this year it’s not any old 10ft worktop that the teams are having to buy – they’re doing EMERGENCY LAST MINUTE SHOPPING for the Savoy Hotel, which really urgently needs some camomile tea, some cloches and some urgent syphilis (apparently). OTHERWISE THEIR THREE YEAR REFITTING WILL HAVE ALL BEEN FOR NOTHING! IF THEY DON’T GET THAT ORGANZA THEY CAN’T OPEN! Frankly I’ve heard more convincing and realistic premises for tasks on The Adventure Game. As is usual on this task, the teams resolve down exactly in half for the duration :

Venture PM Susan, Felicity, and Leon : For some reason Nick spends the whole task giving big ups to Susan, even though it’s quite clear that the whole affair is being driven by Felicity in her usual parasite-host relationship with the PM, because she seems to be doing pretty much literally everything. And, as it’s Felicity, pretty doing pretty much everything means doing pretty much everything incorrectly, driving the team around the most expensive places possible to try to pick up discount top hats. The up-side of this is that the most expensive places are full of the Evil and Smug, which makes for great tv, as the three get ripped off horribly over and over again.

Venture Sub-PM Jim, Edna, Helen and Glenn : In this team also one person does everything, and as it’s Jim it all goes perfectly and amazingly and they get massive discounts on everything. I wonder what his one-week Stella English style fake-out “he might not win!” mess up will be? I hope it’s somehow Gordon Ramsey again.

Logic PM Gavin, Melody and Tom : Gavin’s PM style appears to be “repeatedly saying ‘chill out’ whilst frantically looking around wondering why there’s no-one higher than you in the chain of command to blame, and absolutely nothing else”. It’s because YOU’RE THE PM NOW DUMMY! Melody wears the same bemused face that occurs every time a mere mortal proves their fallibility round her, which is that of a mild head-ache and a mild orgasm all at once. They drive around all over the place, briefly threatening to turn this accidentally into the overseas task of the series by wandering off into Belgium, but at the very end, Tom manages to locate and buy most of the items this subteam needs in one go. Bringing Logic’s total items sourced up to a glorious 6/10.

Logic Sub-PM Vinnie Disney, Ellie, Natasha and Zoe : Vinnie Disney clearly imagining some sort of “Vinnie’s Angels” scenario, where he saves the world fanned by his gurlz wearing bikiniz and fanning him with palm leavez. Instead they all hate him, Ellie in particular. And joyously so. Natasha appears wearing New Romantic make-up for no reason whatsoever, and is as awful I’d hoped but not nearly as simultaneously amazing. Zoe sulkily grabs the mantle of Team PA, meaning she is officially not even a candidate, just some sulky Work Experience Girl the rest of them have to put up with because she’s a friend of Lordalan’s daughter or something.

In the end, Team Venture somehow accidentally and randomly win by £8, well done them. They go off for the third reward in a row of “get shit-faced”, this time with bonus twin contortionist hookers who show the nation their pelvic floors. Meanwhile, in the third Logic Boardroom (I’m guessing of many) Vinnie Disney finally steps into the limelight and goes utterly Paloma all over Gavin, puncturing him repeatedly below the waterline. Sadly, in the most unlikely way, even this spotlight is snatched away from him as everyone suddenly realises that this girl called Zoe is here, and she’s done NOTHING.

In the end, it’s the PM who goes, because as Tom adorably and bashfully points out in the middle of giving Lordalan a colonoscopy with his tongue, Gavin has been struggling just to keep functional the entire episode without someone else to blame, although Zoe is given notice that she might want to start existing pretty soon.

Next week : a skincare task one week after Susan, who is a skincare product magnate, stepped up to be PM. SUSANFREUDE!


25 thoughts on “The Apprentice 7 – Week 3 Summary

  1. PadsterMo

    Good to see that after a Week 2 (as they insist on calling it) blip, the Curse of KAEN is back!

    And I can trump Nick’s shopping with the King of Tonga story. I was once personally trained by Dalai Lama. Which means I once watched a documentary about him. That counts, doesn’t it?

  2. missfrankiecat

    Could Jim possibly be a double bluff – it all seems too obvious? I know Stella was strong from the outset too but she was more in the style of Ellie’s basic efficiency and bemused contempt for the w*nkers than Jim’s extrovert ability. And how exactly did Tom manage to somehow conjure up a third of his team’s goodies in the last 30 minutes when all we ever see him doing is taking notes – he’s getting a very understated edit atm.

    1. Neio

      Yeah, Tom was kind of an unsung hero on Logic – not that they won, but they would have lost a whole lot worse if he hadn’t pulled those last items in at the last minute. I wonder if there’ll be an invent-a-product task this series? Tom would seem to be made to PM that week (although things don’t always work out that easily…).

      Jim does seem a little too obviously the winner at this point which makes me wonder if he has a big car-crash moment coming up. I do love his voice though – I think I would have reacted like the lightbulb-selling lady to it!

      Has Smug Tea Cow eclipsed Smug Cow from last series?

      1. monkseal Post author

        Nobody will ever beat Smug Cow. Smug Cow didn’t need props – she was just 100% natural magic all by herself.

    2. monkseal Post author

      My one strike against Jim is that they’ve made a big song and dance about changing up the prize this year, and he doesn’t seem to have any sort of entrepreneurial bent (or at least if he has, they haven’t played it up). The idea might be to build up a really strong candidate who would win any other series but not this one. Or it could be business as usual and I could stop expecting them to actually mix thnigs up, and it’ll just be whoever manages to dodge being brought back into the Boardroom.

  3. Rah

    Aw sad Gavin went, he was far and away the sexiest man, but so painfully bad in this ep. Tom is lovely but a bit too obsequious – when he said “Yes, sir” it was cringeworthy not only because it was just so schoolboyish, but also because it was woefully wrong. I hope he is thoroughly amazing in at least one episode.

    ps How on earth do you get these summaries up so quickly?

    1. monkseal Post author

      After you do enough of them it becomes second nature. As does coming back 2 hours later to make it make sense.

  4. SuperKingMan

    Its clear that Smug Cow has either been spawning around London, either that or running courses in how to be Smug. Altho Smug Tea Cow and Smug Cloth Cow have a long way to go before ousting her from power, lets see them try and chase Megabus playsuit Stubags away with a broom!

  5. Dee

    How exactly did Zoe escape the firing? She’s making Sandeesh look like a genius.

    I’m giving smug organza cow the crown this episode over smug tea cow just because the tea cow gave in and sold it for £400, she should have tortured them a bit more to truly claim the smug cow mantle.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Definitely, by episode 2 (let alone 3) Sandeesh had already elbowed Laura Moore in the face to try to make her do that exclusivity deal, or whatever it was she claimed she did.

  6. FuTeffla

    I’m a little bit in love with Smug Organza Cow. And Tom, who is adorable and blinky and is going to get absolutely flattened at one point and it will be like watching a puppy get kicked for an hour.
    Jim still looks like the Apprentice King which also makes me worry that it is all some kind of trap. Can we have some kind of spin-off similar to You’re Fired! called Jim Says Things which is just half an hour of Jim saying things in his lovely accent?

    1. monkseal Post author

      I hope Tom goes out with dignity, because his current arc suggests he might end up hugging Lordalan’s leg crying “BUT I LOVE YOU UNCLE ALAN!” as Nick tries to dislodge him with a broomhandle.

      1. FuTeffla

        That could be his next invention! A futuristic space-broomhandle that’s 110% more effective at disengaging clingy inventors from the extremities of millionaire peers.

  7. William

    I got the impression there was some sort of sinister top hat price fixing cabal going on. The other team ended up paying virtually the same price

  8. Scott

    If Zoe was Vincent’s secretary, does that make her the new Hannah Cherry? I can’t wait to find out what her Super Secret Invention is. A cloak of invisibility, perhaps.

  9. Ferny

    Felicity went a bit Nikki Grahame with the ‘they wouldn’t even take a penny off!!’ didn’t she?
    I hope Jim doesn’t end up making a big mistake and being booted early because I do like the accent and he seems extremely competent (at least compared to the rest).


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