Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 1 Performance (Pt 2)

And it continues…

Tonight’s HYPERBOLIC Tess Hype-Up Intro states that these celebs may be at the top of their games and the best in their fields, but all their awards and plaudits mean nothing now. It showcases this with a picture of

Holly Valance winning Smash Hits Sexiest Female in 2002. Which didn’t even mean anything at the time. Especially as Sexiest Male went to Gareth Gates. It also features Tess using the word “bestest”. I am officially going to stop using the word “bestest” ironically now, as it has now apparently become an actual word, along with “irregardless” and “sheeple” and “mancrush” and “guessti….actually I’m just going to stop now. This is not good for my blood pressure.

LIVE!

Good lord, it’s like an advert for deodorant isn’t it? NO PIT STAINS FOR EDWINA! FRESH AS A DAISY WITH STRICTLY!

Credits rolled it’s out to the studio, and for one week only, Tess Dress Watch is superceded by

Tess Lipstick Watch. Jesus Christ, I like a Jammie Dodger as much as the next man, but that’s just obscene. She looks like Mr Punch in drag. As always, it’s nice to see you, to see you…NICE!

Where’s Dougie? That’s what I want to know. Is he refusing to appear because they keep on referring to McFly as a boyband? All those interviews spent namedropping The Who and pretending you’d listened to Astral Weeks ALL FOR NOTHING. IN THE EYES OF THE BBC, YOU’RE NO BETTER THAN BAD BOYS INC.

Anyway, Tess reminds us yet again that we’ve got a FABULOUS line-up of WORLD FAMOUS CELEBRITIES (and Dan Lobb) this year. She asks(/hisses at, in the manner of one of The Silence) Bruce, asking him if he’s worked out his favourite for tonight yet and he replies that it’ll be either Edwina or Nancy, because his whole life has been a choice between whether to go for an Italian or a curry! LOL! That explains his choice of favourite last night – men his age often struggle to decide when to go to the Lulu.

BAD’UM TISH! (See a doctor Bruce).

Bruce then just

flashes at Tess and asks her if she likes his fake tan.

No idea. None.

Tess reminds us that last night 7 celebrities performed, but their torment is now over for the weekend. I don’t know Tess, Audley still has to walk around

dressed like an ASDA Power Ranger. All 14 contestants descend the stairs and I continue to enjoy the fact that Nancy is billed as “Italian Siren”. I like to think her day job is to function as some sort of Mediterranean gaydar, earning her living down at the docks guessing with 100% accuracy whether people are Spanish, Italian or Greek in some sort of booth. She could shout “MAMMA MIA!” or “THAT’S A SPICY MEATBALL!” when she thinks she’s found the culprit. Hey, it beats what she’s actually famous for – dating down.

Once everyone’s out, Bruce tells us that he’s had SO MANY LETTERS telling him that this is the BEST LINE-UP EVER, which is of course why ratings are OVER ONE MILLION DOWN from last year. The line-up is SO ENTICING IT HAS SCARED PEOPLE AWAY, AS THEY BELIEVE TIS THE ANCIENT SIRENS OF LEGEND COME TO LURE THEM TO THEIR VERY DEATHS. Although LOL, this is a joke, apparently these letters were from the 14 celebrities competing. (Minus Harry Judd and plus Simon Cowell, I’m guessing). Oh and guess who’s still here

IT’S SPACESHIP KAREN HARDY! God willing, by Week 8, that’ll be me in there with her. For all of 5 minutes before she snaps my spine in half. I don’t think it’s unfeasible. If their big opening star is Katy Brand. Just saying.

EVEL RINGER HARRY MCFLEA & Aliona Vilani dancing the cha cha

Already that’s a better Bruce impersonation than Rory’s. In the audience, the rest of the McFlea family whistle appreciatively.

Meanwhile a man behind them tries to make himself vomit. Despite sticking eight fingers down his throat, sadly nothing comes up. Never mind, next up – Aliona’s choreography. (RIGHT, THAT’S THE LAST ALIONA’S CHOREOGRAPHY JOKE, YOU NEVER KNOW, IT COULD BE AMAZING THIS YEAR, AND IT CAN’T BE WORSE THAN ANTON’S ABOUT TO DO ANYYWAY).

Bruce jokes that McFly is a RUBBISH name for a band, because it sounds like a budget airline from Scotland. Also these new actresses aren’t properly sexy like they were in the old days, and food tastes different these days, and he thinks Tess is stealing from him, and all his friends are dying and they don’t teach maths properly in schools any more, it’s all this new gay maths, did you hear about that in the papers? Gay maths? Can you believe it? Stupid Human Rights Gone All Politically Correct.

OH BRUCE!

VT time now, and Tess introduces us to Harry’s band. 7 number 1 singles, 2 platinum selling albums, 1 Brit Award, Big In Brazil, not worn any clothes since 2005,

IT’S MCFLY. Harry brags again that they hold the Guinness World Record for the youngest band to have their album debut at number 1 in the charts. Until One Direction put their first album out. What Guinness World Record will you hold THEN McFly? To be fair Guinness World Records are so asinine these days they’ll probably find something for them. “Best selling band whose initials almost spell out THUD”. Something like that. Harry talks about how he’s not much of a dancer, he more just jumps up and down. The editing then inserts a shot of

RANDOM HOMOEROTICISM. Then this :

Well, I’m on side already.

His partner, lest we forget is

this one. I’m feeling the 1996 Eurobeat hair-do there Aliona. She says that she has one piece of advice for her partner – the wi-fi in her dance studio is broken, so it might be best to bring a dongle. OK not really, it’s about not fighting with her because she is feisty grr grr etc.

Training now and LOOK :

HARRY DOES LIKE HER! HONEST! He says that he and Aliona both have very similar work ethics and also they enjoy having a good time as well. Also they enjoy homoerotic vampires, and custard. Not really, but that is literally EVERY OTHER FACT I KNOW ABOUT ALIONA, so probably. Aliona says she’s happy with Harry’s technique, but he needs to work on his performance, so she makes him

dance around doing twizzlesticks. I feel it is a sign of a new growth and understanding between myself and Aliona that this does not form part of the actual routine. It’s a small start, but we’re getting there.

Out to the floor now, where Harry’s in

a really ugly bowling shirt, which I’m slightly regretful about not adding as an option to that “Worst Dressed Poll” now. Also those drummer-arms are TERRIFYING. This is why I was always into…well actually the only person I ever dated in a band played the cello. Try to look surprised. He and Aliona are dancing to “Moves Like Jagger” which I find hilarious as a concept, mostly because of this. Anyway, I hope The Man In The Hat is doing the whistling.

It’s actually a pretty nice start. Harry’s very inhibited and English about the whole thing in terms of performing, but as cha-chas go, I don’t find it offensive, which is frankly as good as they get. Aliona’s choreography is a little poppy, but Harry looks fairly comfortable with it, and the only part of it I find really offensive is throwing a Fonzie style

collar jerk in there. All it’s missing is an “AYYYYYY!” really. Also Aliona totally tweaks Natalie’s nose by throwing a

running splits in there. I mean, it’s not as good, but I always enjoy it when people pick a fight with Natalie, because it means I get to do this :

The R2s go green,

the audience Standing Os,

even James Jordan looks down the camera as if to say

“I know! Not crap!”…it’s a palpable hit!

Over the judges they swagger, and after Davarch is thanked, and the judges are re-welcomed (Bruce makes a joke about Craig leaving at the end of the series which I briefly take to be true, AND I’VE ONLY JUST DRY-CLEANED THE TEARS OUT OF MY PILLOW so we’ll not mention that, look, here’s a picture of him being happy

that will help soothe the pain).

Len starts by saying that all the way through he was thinking “DIRTY HARRY! MAKE MY DAY PUNK! AFTER ALL, FRANKLY MY DEAR I DON’T GIVE A DAMN! PLAY IT AGAIN AND BEAM ME UP!” Oh and do a good cha-cha as well. And erm…he did a good cha-cha. Hooray!

Someone cancel Len’s Lovefilm subscription, it’s making him over-excited.

Alesha follows, saying that she thinks Harry is wasted behind the drums. Well you’d have to be wouldn’t you? The 15th naked PA for the screaming poofs of G-A-Y has to get wearying. Oh, no, she means that he should abandon his music career for a future on THE DANCEFLOOR! That’s a bit like your school careers adviser saying “become a careers adviser!” isn’t it? Bruno’s next and his mouth

turns into an obscene sex organ of alien origin. He talks about how Harry was fit, tight, masculine and full of spunk. But he wanted more sinuousness in Harry’s crotch. If this devolves into him breathing “HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHARRY” like a gas leak before every critique like it did in a certain case last year, I am OUT, Dragon’s Den style.

Craig closes by saying it was too placed, too clean, and too straight. HETEROPHOBE! I can’t believe someone just described a McFly performance as “too straight” anyway. Quick, set fire to Danny’s pubes in the shower or whatever again Harry, that’ll sort things out! It also lacked basic hip action, which causes Bruno to queen up into an almighty huff and oxymoron the sentences “IT WAS VERY CONFIDENT! HE WAS NERVOUS, COME ON!” Ah that confident nervousness. So manly. Len then calls Craig a nasty piece of work for no reason, and even Bruce (EVEN BRUCE, WHO THREATENS CRAIG WITH A GAY-BASHING AT A FASTER CLIP THAN BONO TELLS US CHILDREN ARE DYING IN AFRICA CLICK CLICK CLICK) tells him to lay off, because there are other things going on here than his and Craig’s sexual psychodrama.

Up to the Tessanine they run, where Tess starts talking about Len’s “Dirty Harry”. After I’ve finished throwing up in my mouth, she also asks Harry how it felt to step out from behind the drumkit. He doesn’t live there Tess. Harry says that he enjoyed himself, but he was nervous. He’s also glad that he saw Tom and Danny on their feet, and he hopes that he did them proud.

LOOK! HE’S GOT A PICTURE OF A GRAMOPHONE ON HIS ARM! THAT’S WELL OLD! IS THAT SOMETHING SOMEONE IN A “BOY BAND” WOULD HAVE? NO! In solidarity, Aliona throws up her

metal hand. Yes dear, they’re practically Black Sabbath. Scores are in – 28.

Bremner, Bird And Misfortune dancing the waltz

Bruce starts by reminding us that Rory Bremner used to do the voices on Spitting Image, and apparently he told Bruce that he keeps the puppet of Bruce in his house and uses the chin as a door-stop. Well it’s nicer than what I’d use the Margaret Thatcher puppet as…

VT time, and

Rory does impersonations, did they mention this? This is the one of your boss’s creepy friend who tried to feel you up at the work Xmas party. And here’s

Kim Jong Il. He jokes in interview that everyone keep on telling him to be himself, but frankly he’s forgotten if he does that one, and also he finds he’ll start doing random impersonations at inappropriate moments in his life. I’m starting to wonder if he or Anita have a more tenuous grip on reality. Oh, what am I saying, the answer, is of course

obvious. He closes by saying he feels sorry for Erin, because she normally gets the sportsman, and the only sport he’s got a body for is darts. You know unlike Erin’s other buff hotty partners, Peter Schmeichal, Peter Shilton, and SEX-BOMB WILLIE THORNE.

Here’s the lovely lady. Her intro interview is basically “is it time for me to win? Is it fuck. How old is this one? Great. And I’m getting eliminated dressed as what? Stripper Godzilla? Marvellous. Where’s my Tia Maria?”

Training time now. The list of impersonations he does is as follows:

Julian Clary
Mr Bean
Bruce Forsythe
Frank Spencer

Check your sweepstake, see if you’ve won a hamper. If you can answer the bonus question of working out which of the above 4 this one was :

well done! You’ve also won a weekend break for 2 in Malvern. Erin says that Rory has problems staying focused, but he’s come up with rhymes to help him remember the rhythm he’s supposed to be moving to. Just like Erin’s come up with rhymes to remind herself how to behave. “Stand up straight, to the theme tune clap, try to pretend you give a crap. Even if Len begs don’t sit in his lap ; whilst Tess is talking, take a nap”. See? Easy. Rory closes by saying that he’s really nervous and saying he wants his mummy. Erin closes by mentally spending her pay-cheque on pretty things.

To the dancefloor now and :

Doesn’t he look smart? How many of these Erin Boag Autowaltzes do you think she’s churned out now? It’s like how I can touch-type “SHUT UP LEN!” in the air, even without a keyboard in front of me. It’s very elegant and sweet and to Barry Manilow and Erin is dressed impeccably and guides Rory through everything very neatly, with the usual minor wobbles, and I go through not remembering it after its finished, even past not remembering it whilst it’s happening, right to not remembering it before it’s happened, in some sort of Doctor Who esque-paradox. I promise if I see Amy anywhere back here I’ll shove her down a wormhole.

The only real problem I have about it, other than Erin having worked it out on the back of a fag-packet she found down the back of a sofa, punching out the words “Martin Offiah” from it from last time she used it, is the fact that Rory has a really odd expression on his face the whole time. Some people have said it’s a rogue Tony Blair, some a renegade Peter Mandleson. I rather think it’s an uncanny impersonation of

how Erin looks on the inside all the time. Truly their souls have bonded.

INNIT PRETTY?!

Over to the judges they walk, where Bruce greets they by yelling “RORY RORY HALLELUJAH!” and telling him that that was the best impersonation of Fred Astaire he’s ever seen. Somewhere, Tom Chambers punches clean through a top hat.

Alesha starts for the judges, saying that Rory was a little rough round the edges, with a slightly hunched posture, but she really enjoyed his beautiful transfixed smile. Rory’s mugs all

“IT WOZ ERIN’S JUGZ WHAT GOT ME TRANSPORTED!” and looks generally a little flustered. Bruno on the other hand is having none of it, and calls Rory “Norma Desmond” :

Uncanny. Alesha objects, saying that “love was in the air”. That and poppers. Bruno did think it was a good…(*girds self*) (*wonders how many times he can report this same joke in one series*) first impression. (*heavy sigh*).

Craig follows, and says that Rory’s heel leads were exaggerated, he don’t spot correctly in his turns, his shoulders were raised, and his bottom stuck out. But he danced it with “elegance and panache”. Somewhere in there. Erin looks like she’s frankly

ready to give Craig a good panache right there. Len closes by saying that that right there was a jolly good (*Jesus Wept*) impression of a waltz.

Bruce asks Rory if he was being himself tonight and he reels off :

Tony Blair
Bruno Tonioli

Update your cards accordingly.

Up to the Tessanine they…some word other than “impression”, that’s for damn sure, where Rory does his impression of Anton

and then is asked what impression he’ll do next week in his impressionistic impression of a salsa impression. He then does an impressioning impression of an impression of Sean Connery’s first impression on an impression.

Pasha claps along happily in the background, everyone else looks like they wish they were dead. I’m glad at least one person hasn’t been ground down utterly already. IMPRESSION! Scores are in – 27

The Second Mrs De Bleakley & James Jordan dancing the cha cha

But first :

just looking at Nancy you can already see the vultures hovering can’t you? Can you imagine a less practical outfit for elegant partner dancing? Maybe a pair of stilts? Lady Gaga’s meat dress? Iron Man? Anyway, enough advance Scahdenfreude and on to

the lovely pair themselves. I’ve not seen such a forced unnatural smile in a long time. And may I remind you who just danced? I think James might be angling to join Alex Jones on The One Show, LOOK OUT MATT BAKER.

Bruce tells us that Alex told him before the show that she just found out she was distantly related to Tom Jones. And he has a big inheritance waiting for her, in a bank in Nigeria. Unfortunately, international lending laws mean that she has to send him all her bank details, and her pin number, and also a naked picture of herself. Would Bruce like to hold the camera? Not really, it’s just an “It’s Not Unusual” joke. James’ face

looks like he’s starting to hear Erin’s voice calling from the other dimension where her brain spends every series of Strictly. Come on in James! You’ll be so much happier here! There’s a pool and everything! Lilia’s here and she’s wearing Dior and smashing up the Dance Machine with a pick-axe!

VT time now, and Tess reminds us that Alex Jones presents The One Show these days. and therefore is intimately acquanited with a whole world of facts about herons, Michael Gambon, and 1940s Norwich. She tells us that every year The One Show is on after Strictly finishes (much like it’ll be on after society as a whole finishes, twitching around in the debris, with zombie Dominic Littlewood shouting “I FROM BBC AND PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE CHEEKY CHAPPY! WHY YOU NO INSTALL SHOWER UNIT PROPERLY!” at a smoking corpse in a plumber’s helmet). Anyway, one time they had the Glitterball on the show, and that was it. She saw something, she wanted it, and she just had to have it.

Coincidentally, that’s why Jason Manford no longer presents The One Show.

Anyway here’s the fateful moment

where Strictly ate Alex’s brain.

With regards to her partner, Alex says that she’s heard that James is a bit of a [*obvious edit*]…joker, but she can give it just as well as she can take it.

Coincidentally, that’s ALSO why Jason Manford no longer presents The One Show.

Here’s James Jordan. He says that he brings humour, comedy, and good looks to the show. Personally the thing I enjoy most that James brings to the show is Ola, in the passenger seat of their Citreon Saxo. Oh and also he brings

tiny tiny nipples. Wee little beesting bumps. Like two Jolly Ranchers half-buried in a sandpit.

Training now, and James says that he sometimes struggles to understand what Alex is saying, because she speaks with a WELSH ACCENT. I can’t believe we haven’t been treated to a WELSHIES VS JORDANZZZ! It Takes Two clip yet. I know it’s only been three days, but we’ve already had Karen slagging off Flavia’s choreography and Anita talking about how Freddie Mercury would have bummed Robin into madness. It’s been an eventful week. We see Alex saying something very simple that anybody could understand and James being all

“LOL! I DON’T SPEAK SHEEP, MISSUS!”. Alex tries to rib him back by saying that she finds his counting confusing, because he starts from a 2, but James just stares at her and goes “WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?” over and over and over again.

One week in and I’m already constructing a Justifiable Homicide defence for James’ partner in my head, like this is Law & Order : Strictly Victims Unit. It’s a new record. Oh and for no reason

here’s Chris Evans. Shrug.

To the floor now and

Jesus Christ make-up, when you’ve trowelled it on so thick you can no longer make out the individual features of someone’s face, it might be time to reconsider. I think there’s a mouth in there somewhere. She looks like the Sphinx buried in Fake Tan. Oooh, oooh, wait she’s about to try to be sexy!

Well I just came! Seriously James, the first dancemove someone should be doing is not rubbing their tits. We had quite enough of that with Emma Bunton. (Of course there was Lilia, who in Series 5 was most commonly rubbed BY a tit, which is not at all the same thing).

Anyway, she writhes around, being sexy some more, as the band take on Owen Wilson ft Kelly Rowland’s “When Love Takes Over”. Yet more authentic cha cha music this week. And by “being sexy” I mostly mean being pouty, throwing herself up against James like a pigeon at a patio window, and also

possibly trying to nick his car-keys. That is some UNSUBTLE pick-pocketing Alex Jones, although I guess that’s just how they do in the Valleys.

OOH LOOK, SHE CAME OFF THE FLOOR, LEN MUST GIVE A STATEMENT QUICK! It’s not an awful effort, and I feel for her, because this is almost the most inappropriately sexy routine I’ve seen since Kara came out last year as a LIDL dominatrix. On the other hand, James has clearly taken a smarter tack than Brendan, because there are enough parts where she’s clearly lost to make me think that if she’d been out of hold for much longer than she is she might have done a Lulu.

THE END! A…little too corpse-like to be sexy. I feel like she might be trying to hold back a nose-bleed as well. Once she’s pulled up, James peeps “you did it!”, which is quite sweet.

Oh, and it gets a Standing Ovation. Just thought that should be mentioned. Just so we can all ponder together. Maybe it was for bravery. Bruce tells her that she must be glad to have got the first one over with, and Alex says it was like an Out Of Body Experience.Did you see a bright light and Erin calling you towards it Alex? Into the Strictly Twilight Zone (no not that one Aliona).

Bruno starts for the judges, saying that when James was leading her it was sometimes good (oof) but when she was on her own it was all very placed, like “exits are positioned here, here, here and

HERE’S THE CRASH POSITION!”. He proclaims her performance to be like that of an “airlocks hostess”. I can see where he’d get confused, considering it was quite clearly a load of airlocks. She needs to believe in herself, and GO FOR IT! WOO!

Hey kids, IT’S TIME FOR CRAIG VS JAMES! Craig says that Alex should have kept both feet on the floor at all times,

but he’s going to ignore that in his scoring because it’s the first week of the show (*MAKES NOTE*) that she looked incongruous (James : EXPLAIN THAT!), that she was very stiff and starchy (James : *does weird Italian mafia “MAMMA MIA!” hands* Maybe he’s trying to get Nancy to let off the Italian Siren to distract everyone. Maybe set off the sprinklers), and that James had a very good idea when he decided to keep her in hold the whole time. James then gets his right to reply with

“DID YOU REALISE CRAIG, THAT IT’S THE CELEBRITIES FIRST WEEK ON THE SHOW?”. I think he mentioned he did James. Did you realise it was Alex’s first week on the show when you choreographed the Smushmatitma? Up on the balcony

the other pros cheer. Except Brenda. He’s just thinking “how amateurish. I would have stormed off, or called Craig a GREAT BIG NOB-HEAD at least”. Apparently Craig does not understand what it’s like working with these people after he’s CUSSED THEM OUT. SOME OF THE CELEBRITIES FROM THE FIRST NIGHT WERE REALLY SAD, after they got called out for not bothering to do the routine or just standing still going “HURR GURR, ME BAD BOY RUVV YOU LONG TIME!” or whatever the hell that cha cha was.

Len follows saying some parts were really good, and some parts were nearly good. Also some parts were REAR-ly, HELLO JAMES! OK, not really, but it would have lightened the mood wouldn’t it? Alesha finishes by saying it was really fun and flirty, and Alex clearly has the goods

(I’ll say), and just needs to learn how to use them. Possibly to knock the other contestants out.

Up to the Tessanine they run, with James looking…pretty pleased with himself (you know, unlike Craig). Tess tells Alex that it must have come as a real surprise to viewers of The One Show that Alex has legs. Oh Tess, how thick do you think viewers of The One Sh…actually don’t answer that. James says he’s very proud of her, especially given where she’s come from (in terms of her initial standard, not Wales), and Tess asks Alex what Matt will say when he sees her next? “Milk two sugars?” Scores are in – 22

Some Woman & PASHA, ZOMG, PASHA SIGH, SO DREAMY!

Bruce starts off by saying that Chelsee is one of the show’s most popular girls, with all men. Young men, and also older men. Why do I feel like a pole is suddenly going to descend from the ceiling? No, not you Ola! (ARLENE PHILLIPS – 2004 – 2008 NEVA 4GET!). Apparently one of Chelsee’s fan-groups amongst older men have named themselves the Chelsee Pensioners! LOL! Which is a noise being made by Pasha, like he had ANY clue what that joke was supposed to be about.

Bless him. He love to laugh!

In VT, Tess tells us that Chelsee made her name in Waterloo Road. No, really, she dipped a ladle into the Alphabetti Spaghetti in the canteen, and there it was, floating in the gloop. It was that or “GTHERYJM!”. I think she chose wisely. Here she is

trying to cop off with a teacher.

ESCANDALO! She says she loves playing Janeece, who went from being a pupil to the school secretary to…I don’t know, Vice-President of the USA probably, I don’t watch it. Chelsee says that she did some dancing when she was younger (I’m guessing it was a bit like this ), but the only dancing she does these days is when she’s out at the clubs, which I’m very sure is once a year if that.

LOOK AT HER MOVE! Just imagine some Rihanna playing and the smell of vinegary chips and sambucca and YOU’RE THERE. She never thought she’d find herself doing ballroom because it’s all posh and elegant, and also she thought you had to be famous to get on Strictly. WHO KNEW DIFFERENT? Anyway, Chelsee finishes by saying that she’s the baby of Strictly (which, at 3 years older than Matt Di Angelo, makes him a sexy dancing foetus, think on that. I sexy hairy dancing foetus), and she’s also the baby at home. Before pleading with her mum to remember to do her washing-up and set the V+ for Don’t Tell The Bride, because she’s going to be really busy with Strictly.

Nice cushions.

And now for her male pro.

Hrn’k…snurffle…*boy-ovaries melt*

He wants to bring new energy to the show, and he started dancing because he likes girls, and touching them and holding them close.

(*goes outside*)

(*muffled sound of somebody punching a wall*)

(*comes back in again*)

HI! I’M FINE!

In training now, and Chelsee says that the waltz isn’t for her, because she’s not a graceful person. She’s never been described as graceful IN HER LIFE. This is followed by lots of shots of her

stumbling around and falling over. I’m mostly disappointed by the

poor quality of hatmanship on show. I know I got spoiled by Katya last year, but quite frankly that’s just lazy. That’s basically the hat equivalent of Lulu’s Cha-Cha. NOT! ON! Anyway, Pasha finds Chelsee’s babyish coltishness amusing, and settles for telling her to pretend she is like a wave on the ocean. Briefly I panic that this means that Pasha is going to choreograph The Worm into a waltz. No more “The Worm” please show. No more “The Worm” ever.

To the floor now and

I know it’s the start of her Strictly “journey” into elegance, like when we all taught Alesha how to be a lady and not all black and stuff, but seriously, let’s not start her off all the way back in the JonBenet collection. Once the routine starts (to “See The Day”), the first thing I notice is how ambitious it is. It’s very fast, very dramatic, and very tough for a first week waltz. The second thing I notice is that Jesus Christ can Chelsee not negotiate heels. There are some really nice bits :

oooh, ahhh, etc, but all her weight is forward (…although that might not be just to do with the heels), and she barely goes 15 seconds without stumbling or tripping over her own feet. Get this girl to a drag queen, stat.

I do think though, that once she learns to walk, the running might come fairly easily.

Oh Pasha, such a perv. Never mind, that’s how Darren used to be with Lynda Bellingham.

As they stumble over the judges, we see that the routine gets a half standing ovation, which is to say that

half the room ovate, and half don’t.

I know which side of the room I prefer. Once they arrive at Spacestation Bruce, he tells Pasha that he was really throwing Chelsee around like a rag doll – how marvellous! Poor Wilnelia…

Craig starts for the judges, saying she was a veritable whirling dervish. A little frenzied at times, but her phrasing was magnificent

She needs to learn how to slow down, and also how to land (to be fair Craig, she is carrying a lot of…cargo), but there’s real potential there. In the audience, Chelsee’s mum’s all

“great, I’m going to have to heat up her Supernoodles til at least November at this rate”.

Len starts his criticism by using Petula Clark as a positive and Lady Gaga as a negative. Len’s criticism is thus invalid.

Alesha’s criticism begins with her telling Chelsee that she looks like a little princess.In terms of the dance though, she thought it was feminine, romantic and passionate. She thinks Chelsee should really be so proud of herself, especially given that she was so far out of her comfort zone. Bruno closes by saying that she stumbled quite a lot, but ooh, doesn’t she have lovely natural ability with her lines. Well, she is an actress.

BAD’UM TISH!

Up to the Tessanine they booby, where Tess greets them with the show’s official line of “WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU COULD BE SO ELEGANT?”. Good grief Strictly, she’s Northern, working class, and has probably had some ill-advised plastic surgery, she’s not Tarzan. You didn’t find her in the BBC Television Centre car-park, wrapped in sack-clocth, grunting and biting herself. Like you did Bruno. Tess then starts whittering loudly in an imitation of Chelsee’s accent (/Orville The Duck) “AHM GONNA BEH POSH ON STRICTLEH!” Chelsee smiles “I’m trying” (with a silent “to resist the urge to bottle you” on the end). We finish by welcoming Pasha to my p…my FAVOURITE TELEVISION SHOW (*tries to remember he’s in company, tries so very hard*) and he’s asked if he’s glad he did his very first Strictly dance with Chelsee. No Tess, I bet he was PRAYING for Edwina Currie. He says he’s very proud of her, and she’s tried so hard to be a REAL LADY.

Yeah alright Pasha, not you as well.

Scores are in –

27

Eggwina Currie & Vincent Simone dancing the cha cha

As recasting for Heath Ledger goes, it’s not the BEST is it? Bit more Cesar Romero. Bruce makes a curry joke. Get used to them.

VT time

Reasons to appreciate the Strictly music department 1 – Eggwina’s arrival is heralded with “What Have I Done To Deserve This?” by The Pet Shop Boys.

Upon arrival, Eggwina lies that she doesn’t at all mind people nicknaming her “Eggwina” because it means they know she was a Minister For Health and also a Tough Old Bird. But what people don’t see is the SOPHISTICATED AND ELEGANT LADY UNDERNEATH. Maybe because of things like this?

To be fair, naked John Major has just slid out of the bottom of shot. Now THAT was a Tory Conference. Bondage, hardcore nudity, and no Teresa May.

Eggwina reveals that she in fact used to be a bit of a mover back in her day, when she used to go to the Cavern in Liverpool and dance around to

N’Sync, and

The Backstreet Boys. (I would think she said The Beatles and Gerry And The Pacemakers, but Cilla Black’s CILLADAR appears not to have been set off, because she’s not clomping in from the side bellowing “I WUZZ THERE TOO! I WUZZ IN THE CAVERN WITH THE BEADLES! ANYONE WHO HARRA HEART!”. So she can’t have). Apparently the only way you could dance in the Cavern was “The Cavern Stomp”, which frankly sounds filthy. I wonder who stomped Edwina’s cavern? I bet it was Ringo.

She then starts taking about taking Vincent home, covering him in icing and doing inappropriate things to him, and I would judge but…you read the paragraphs above about Pasha right. I am in no position to.

Speaking of Vinthent

here he is! Sporting a bit of an anaemic eyebrow by his standards. Ah, the vicissitudes of age. He tells the ladies of Britain that he is why they are paying their tv licences. Is that because he drives the detector van?

Training now and oh…good. Edwina’s hips are already

rolling round like a busted ice-cream maker. She tells us that the cha cha is meant to be fun (could have fooled me. And I’ve been watching this show for 8 years now), and she intends to enjoy herself. Vincent seems very disappointed that she’s not slagging it up all over the place, probably because it’s the only way she’ll discern herself in the public mind from Widdy. Eggwinna for her part waggles her finger at the camera and says

“THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW!”. At this point whilst watching I may have muttered “Oh Edwina, you love it you slag”. To an empty house. It can ONLY be Strictly. Vincent for his part says he just wants the audience to see Edwina how they’ve never seen her before – sensual and sexy.

And I want my audience to see me how they’ve never seen me before – 6ft 2 and built like Bradley Cooper. Some things we just have to accept were never meant to be.

Eggwina closes by saying that she wants to see the audience doing this :

And not because she’s fallen over. Oh Edwina, if you fell over…that would not be the face. For instruction (as usual) see this kitten

To the floor now, and

no, nobody’s taken the opportunity of that VT airing to tidy things up any. Oh well. The strains of “Build Me Up Buttercup” start up (which I can’t hear without thinking of Gloria Hunniford not jiving) and Vincent…I think Vincent did that thing where you have a REALLY GREAT IDEA in a dream and then write it down when he wake up, then come back half an hour later and it says “start taxi firm for toddlers”. Or something like that. Except with choreography. And now he’s doing it.

He starts moving Edwina around and then her face does

this, and then they dance a bit, and then they do this

for half an hour, then this happens,

then this, then more dancing, then…oh Christ…

and THEN THIS (which almost drags Eggwina over)

then another half-hour of

this, then,

then, I don’t know, Edwina flashes her knickers or something.

Very odd.

Oh yes, and in that last picture, you can see the three people who gave it a standing ovation.

Once she’s back on her feet, she marches over to Bruce, who can’t BELIEVE she’s wearing a red dress, because red is for COMMUNISTS. Oh how simple things are in Bruce’s world. Edwina on the other hand, is just interested in jiggling her

“chandeliers” at him. It takes all kinds…

Len starts by saying that it was a RED HOT CURRY of a routine, and she danced it full on, and he’s so very proud of her, for justifying all those thoughts he had about her in the 80s. Probably. Alesha follows saying that she really enjoyed watching Edwina

“shaking her rhythm”. I think that was more than her rhythm Alesha… Bruno follows by growling about how Edwina is a flat-footed cougar tasting Vincent’s merchandise with her hands. I think Bruno might have had the same dream as Vincent did. At least I understand that choreography a bit better now. Craig doesn’t speak. Mercifully.

Up to the Tessanine they buttercup, where they’re greeted by Tess whittering on about Edwina flasher her knickers in the House Of Ballroom. Thise whole segment I still can’t quite believe happened. I guess it is a necessary gateway drug to the glories of Betty Boothroyd next year. (TILLER-GIRL RINGER!) Edwina says Vincent is an amazing teacher, and Vincent says Edwina is clearly in love with him. I feel they’re both a little on autopilot here to be honest. Scores are in –

17.

To paraphrase Len : “WOT? THAT WAS THE SAME AS BLAHDDY LULU WAS IT?” At least she did the steps. Whatever they were.

Nancy DooLally’O & Anton du Beke dancing the waltz

What a gentleman.

“As well as being a lawyer, I hear Nancy does such a lot of hard work for charity”.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Bruce’s BEST JOKE OF THE PROGRAMME (*does dance*). Bruce finishes that the charity work is (tee hee) DANCING WITH ANTON.

In retrospect, the signs really were there.

VT time, and Tess reminds us that Nancy was once the “first lady of football”

Yes, but was it worth it? Also, are we sure that’s Nancy? But, ponders Tess, earnestly, JUST WHO IS THE REAL NANCY DELL’OLIO?! I BET YOU NEVER KNEW THIS WAS A THING IN WHICH YOU WOULD BE EXPECTED BE INTERESTED! I KNOW IT’S RIGHT UP THERE WITH “BUT WHO IS THE REAL BBC 2 CONTINUITY ANNOUNCER?” AND “BUT WHO IS THE REAL PERSON WHO CHOOSES WHICH LOTTERY MACHINE IS USED?”.

For her part Nancy, speaking in the third person, and sounding just enough like she’s saying “Nazis” that I’m surprised that the Daily Mail haven’t done a sound-rip and built a story around it, says “Nancy’s very attractive, nice-looking, smart, intelligent, and most of all quite funny. And also still somehow more modest than Bloody Lulu”. She says that she likes to think that wherever she goes there follows a phenomenon of press, fascinated in her every move. I also imagine sometimes she likes to think she’s Grace Kelly and dance around the garden wearing nothing but a tiara made out of tin foil and Nutella.

I just get that feeling.

She closes by saying she turned 50 this year, on the same day as Obama! And yet he didn’t call! Because he was busy…

I’ll give her this, if she’s not delusional, she’s got great natural comic timing.

Reasons to appreciate the Strictly music department 2 : They decide to herald Anton du Beke’s arrival with this. Truly Anton du Beke does defy the logic of all sexx laws. He says that

he gets no more pleasure in life than introducing his dance partner to her left and right feet. Mostly as their face hurtles towards them on its inevitable path to the ground.

In training (YES, IT DEFINITELY HAPPENED, LOOK

THEY GOT IT ON TAPE!), Anton says that Nancy is mostly concerned with passion. Nancy shows this by complaining that they’ve not kissed one another yet, then pulling this face :

I think that’s a wink. Or it’s her Credits Tourettes back. She can tell Anton is holding back, but she is DETERMINED TO MAKE HIM HER HUSBAND BY THE END OF THE SERIES.

You know, I would normally wish nothing but smooth sailing for Ian Waite through life, but I would have paid good money to watch her cracking on to him. Very good money INDEED.

To the floor now and

oh Strictly Props department. Psychiatrist couches are made of leather. Nancy sits there fanning herself, and Anton wafts around a bit, and Nancy gives him the

cow-eyes (/Katya-eyes) over her fan. Anton then whirls around a bit more then gives her a prod as if to say “…we do have to dance at some point you know?”. Do you know what? I’m fine thanks. Nancy coquettishly ignores this, so he full on shoves her face into the couch.

ANTONLOLS!

At this she assents, and then Anton whirls her down the stairs and Jesus Christ, is she actually going to dance at any point? Turns out…no, because her feather boa has become detached and is threatening to trip them both up.

Again and again this happens, until Anton just calls it a day, dips her about a bit, and they finish.

Funniest damp squib ever. I can’t wait to see how they screw up the salsa if this is what they managed with a waltz. A WALTZ! JOHN SERGEANT DID A PASSABLE WALTZ, AND HE COULD BARELY WALK!

Up on the Tessanine Lulu’s all,

“I can’t believe someone was actually worse than me”

Over to the judges they go, with Nancy snatching up her boa and hurling it off…somewhere on the way. There is noticeably not a word of discussion between her and Anton about…anything, and when he announces “don’t worry”, the note of sarcasm is enough to make me really look forward to the interviews after she gets eliminated next week. A LOT.

Anyway, Nancy starts whittering about how long she’s dreamed of being here, and Bruce is very sympathetic in such a way that you can kind of tell he’s goading her to be even more mental.

Alesha starts for the judges by saying that “on a positive note”, Nancy is the glamourpuss of Strictly this year. I guess, in dipping into the “…you’re a very pretty girl” grab-bag, this makes Alesha the Paula Abdul of Strictly. She loved the acting, and had high hopes but then…well, Alesha has BEEN THERE AND DONE THIS SO SHE UNDERSTAND WHAT IT’S LIKE TO GO WRONG. Alesha, you forgot, like, 5 steps in a paso doble. You didn’t get GBH’d by your knickers.

Bruno then goes

“Dangerous Liasions on poppers” and tells Nancy he was looking forward to this routine, and her acting in the beginning was fantastic, but then she turned into a curtain in a washing machine. Never mind though, dust yourself off and come back next week. Anton and Nancy both insist that Bruno is right, but it went perfectly in rehearsal! Honest! The whole 10 seconds of dancing there was left for after the fan business went like a DREAM!

Craig follows by telling Nancy quite sternly just to forget props altogether. Yes, what I really want to see after that is Nancy dancing for 90 seconds solid. I’m sure that would go very well! Finally, Len finishes by saying that there was altogether too much FANNING ABAHT, and it reminded him of when his nan used to tell his grand-dad to GET OFF THE SOFA AND GET STARTED (Saucy. No wonder Len has…issues). Between that and the “thing with the thing”, there was no time for dancing which, from what he saw, was quite good! Nancy can dance! DO A DANCE WITH HER, ANTON! Anton’s face reads

“yeah, you try it”.

Up to the Tessanine they nonsense, where Tess tells Nancy that her “little cheerleaders” (who apparently number Russell and Anita) were cheering her on, shouting “WE LOVE YOU NANCE!”. Are you sure they weren’t taking the opportunity to tell Alesha that they loved her nans? I mean, who didn’t? Nancy says she’s really enjoying herself and she’s really glad to be doing the show, and it’s truly a dream to dance with Anton. Anton agrees that truly it is a dream to dance with Anton. I have unfortunate thought of Anton watching himself dance in the mirror, definitely wearing clothes. Definitely. Scores are in –

12. Nancy makes as if to

strangle Anton. It’s so nice to have one those couples that really GET ON isn’t it? We haven’t had one of those for a while… And yes, yes that is Alesha’s lowest score ever. But still, somehow, not the lowest scoring waltz ever on the show. SOMEHOW.

Jason Doner Kebab & Kristina Rihanoff dancing the cha cha

Now, you may be thinking that Kristina may be gazing at Jason Donovan with the same cow-eyed look that Katya gave Dan Lobb, but I think we all know what she’s really seeing is this :

Or hey, possibly this :

Who can tell what’s going on in there?

Bruce reminds us that Jason Donovan was a huge star in “Joseph And His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat” (only because Andrew Lloyd Webber ROBBED DANIEL BO…oh no, wait, that was something entirely different). It’s based on a story from the Bible, Bruce is old, make your own bloody jokes, the show’s almost over.

VT now, and it’s time for

“SUPERSTAR JASON DONOVAN!!!” already acting a bit like he’s in Citizen Kane rather than a Saturday Night Celebrity gameshow. He can sing! He can act! And he’s still EVERYONE’S FAVOURITE NEIGHBOUR! Eh, maybe you Tess. He’s no Phillippa Martinez. Jason tells us all that he’s very proud of his period in Neighbours, but if you DO ask him any questions about it, he will have you removed from the room. Also no looking him in the eye. Despite his Neighbours success though, he admits that, in the 80s, dancing always eluded him.

That and a decent stylist. Is Kylie hiding in there with him? Is she going to pop out the collar for the chorus?

He reminisces next about the moment that Kristina

went for him like a dog at the postman’s leg. Let’s move on from…that moment in Strictly history shall we? Between Edwina and…well, let’s face it, mostly Edwina, my stocks of brain bleach are especially valuable this series, and must be preserved at all costs.

Speaking of Kristina, she says that her partner can expect a VERY dedicated teacher, over this shot

and Kate Bush yowling “OYY OYYY, BABUSHKA BABUSHKA BABUSHKA YA YA!” I feel like I’m being read to directly from the phone-box.

Training begins with Jason looking like this

and yelling “SMILE!”. This is not helping the part of me that finds him mildly creepy, I’ll tell you that much. He also tells us that there’s a part of him that’s really

“MAAAAAAAAAAAAD”. Ok Jase (*edges towards the door*).

Next we find out that Jason is really enjoying the cha-cha, but is finding it really difficult to dance given his turtle-neck. This apparently means his head sticks forward too much rather than…anything down below. Although if anybody would get circumcised to win this show, I think it might be Jason. Anyway, to solve this problem, Kristina

brings in something she just had lying around the house. THE MIND, IT BOGGLES!

Jason ends on a note of Zen philsophy – it doesn’t matter if the dance goes wrong, because nothing in life is perfect. Except, of course, Lisa Snowdon’s Cha-Cha.

TO THE FLOOR!

ON NO, A MOUSE!

Not really, Jason’s just over-acting the bejesus out of his cha cha.

THERE HE GOES AGAIN!

FUN WITH STRANGULATION!

Hips are flying everywhere, and it’s a very up-tempo, very joyful, very “running round the floor shouting in a Strictly style” cha-cha, and lots of fun. Naturally I hate it, because it’s a cha-cha that isn’t Alesha going “oh sod it, let’s just do a pop-video”, but STILL, it’s a good effort, and probably one of the better dances of the weekend and let’s face it, after the last two…things that happened, who can blame people for wanting to find something straight-forwardly enjoyable. Hooray.

Two things though :

1) That’s a brain-bleach.

2) Do not end a succesful dance by doing a fist-pump Jason Donovan. You are not Andy Murray.

It gets a standing ovation, and Jason whirls Kristina over to the judges in a big ol’ hug.

Bruno starts for the judges and is

quite pleased. Craig follows by talking in an Australian accent. It is worse than mine. He tells Jason that it was a rip-snorter and a beauty and it was FOIIIIIIINE. Please no more of that Craig. I was just getting used to your refined English gentleman voice. Len follows by saying that he doesn’t need to say anything, because the audience already said it – best dance of the night. Kristina is full on

having kittens. I fear her reaction to eventually winning is going to make Karen Hardy’s look like Droopy Dog.

(*careful*)

Alesha closes by saying that it was SUPER-FUN! Well done!

Kristina charges up the stairs to the Tessanine like she’s crossing the finish line in some sort of 4 year long marathon. Which, in a way, she is. She doesn’t even bother not to stare right down the camera, all

“GLITTERBALL IS MINE, BITCHES! Or at least a score above a 7, which would be nice. For once”. Jason drones on about loving being part of the show and what an amazing thing it is, and he’s learning every day. Kristina is

not listening, not a bit, she doesn’t have to. Scores are in – 32

Well, at least someone went above 30 this weekend.