The Bachelor – Episode 7

Sometimes I wonder how the show even made it this far without falling to bits. You know…more so.

We open, yet again, with an immediate date reveal. I’m sad. This is the Gavbotchelerettes last episode in Glamorous Europe and their work-load is heavier than ever. They might almost have to speak to Gavin for, like 5 WHOLE MINUTES! Give them some annual leave or something. Anyway, God knows what part of Gavbot Mansions they’ve been shunted into this week, but let’s just say the coffee-table doesn’t look so much like Medici-era chic as left over set from Abigail’s Party. Zivile’s reading out the date-card, presumably so they can reassure themselves that she can still speak and she’s not doing a Silent Protest over Nickie leaving. The card reads “things are hotting up. Let’s make something beautiful together. Kiss, Gavin /(kiss Gavin! please! He’ll be ever so tender!)”.

It’s when the crew can’t be bothered to come up with shitty puns any more that you know that the enthusiasm for this show has tailed off. Especially given the…quality of punning on offer so far, which frankly made me almost wish for The Bachelor : Richard Whitely edition. Toga parties and singing contests are all very well, but they’re nothing compared to tests of basic numeracy and literacy.

Anyway, this is a solo date, and for once, it’s not Layla being favoured – it’s time for April to get her moment in the sun. April immediately looks on the verge of tears and splutters that she hopes it goes well, because if doesn’t, he might SEND HER HOME! Eh s’alright April – even if it goes badly, just make up some story about how you saw Keshia licking sherbet off a researchers tits. The LESBIAN INTRIGUE will keep you around for a whole three more episodes. She runs off to prepare, which seems to involve a lot of blow-drying, as Georgie watches in the background, in a slightly sinister fashion. April whitters on that she always gets nervous before dates, but this should be fun! And besides, it’ll be make or break with regards to whether Gavbot has strong feelings for her.

Were you not listening last week April? Gavbot has strong feelings for ALL of you girls who are left. And Nickie. And Carrie. And that art teacher from two episodes back. And the woman in Italian customs. And that girl he saw on that advert for Italian car insurance. They have all really TOUCHED HIM. He will NEVER FORGET ANY OF THEM. The test now is to see whether he can remember your name. GOOD LUCK!

As she prepares, ironing directly onto the floor of Gavbot Mansions : Italy (I’m sure the owners were ECSTATIC! They’ve already probably had to spend thousands of lira unclogging Cawwianne’s hair extensions from the pool filters) April burns her dress. April takes this as an OMEN OF DOOM, and wails to Keshia and Georgie that she might as well go home now. Georgie tells her that she’s got a taxi booked for 3 if she wants to go halvsies. She’s trying to persuade Zivile to come with as well, but she thinks she might stick around in case there’s some fashion challenge where she gets free Versace stuff.

Keshia gives April a big hug and tells her that “shit happens”. This show being prima facia evidence of this fact. Georgie interviews that April gets herself worked up over dumb crap like this, because she’s a bit mental but hey, she’s a pretty girl as well, so it all balances out. Georgie is sure she will have a wicked day. How heartfelt.

TO THE DATE! Which is in Venice again. For lunch. I’m not sure if I should be sad that these dates are starting to resemble actual dates or not (you know apart from the camera-crew and the probable constant need for retakes and the mental age of the participants.). I know it was OTT, but I’m starting to miss the abandoned fun-fairs. April arrives and pecks Gavin on the cheek, all whilst ostentatiously waggling a great big handbag at the camera. I’m sure my Google hits will appreciate that later. They embark on a boat, and Gavbot tells us all that he had an instant attraction to April, which is a feeling that he loves, so he’s willing to be patient with her quietness and her reserved nature, and the fact she bursts into tears every time she sees a uncovered lightbulb.

We are reminded via montage that April is wetter than the month that bears her name, and that not getting to talk to Gavin one time gave her Nam flashbacks of being bullied at school. It also reminds me that Ola exists. How sad that she never got to react to the news of Cawwianne’s extra-curricular activities. Probably by clotheslining her.

Bored Voiceover Man says that this is April’s first real chance to speak to Gavbot and take their relationship to the NEXT LEVEL! BASIC VISUAL RECOGNITION! WOO! As they sit down for lunch, her eyes BORE into his skull and she says that she really, REALLY wants to get to know him, but there’s been no opportunity to do this. Whenever they’ve been in big groups, she’s felt shy and awkward because she doesn’t speak just for the sake of speaking. What are you doing on this show then? If people didn’t speak for the sake of speaking, reality tv would WITHER AND DIE! Gavbot replies, as April manically toys with her fingernails and bulges her eyes out, that he really wants to get to know her, but he’s worried that he’s held her in such high regard that actually speaking to her might ruin it all. Never meet your heroes Gavbot. Su Pollard was a right rude bitch to my nan in Tescos. He and April then share a load of old cobblers about how really real they, and all shy people who become models and appear on reality tv, are.

Back at Gavbot Mansions : Italy, the girls are “speculating” about how April’s date might be going. By which I mean that Carrianne is trying to goad the other girls into saying they’re jealous of April, and all the other girls (including MORGAN in one of the most terrifyingly insincere attempts at ingratiation I’ve seen in a while) are all pointedly really nice about April and say that she really deserves this opportunity. Layla says that April’s really quiet and the girl-next-door type, which Gavin likes (she knows him so well to be saying this. Six snogs in a gondola and you can see into a man’s SOUL). Keshia says that it’ll be good for Gavbot to see April inside her comfort zone : away from other human beings.

Back in Venice, and Gavbot is clearly…a little tipsy over his and April’s lunch date. April very plaintively tells him that the fact that he’s so family-orientated makes him a really attractive person. Gavbot mumbles drunkenly into his ear that he knows that he has two kids and this might be a problem but he’s juzzt putting it out there… April responds by asking if he see them often, and when told that he does, she takes as a springboard to talk about how her parents split when she was young and her mummy never loved her or took her for shopping dates or rode ponies with her or taught her about bras like all the other girls mummies she read about in Judy Blume novels. I’m sure she’s just trying to praise Gavbot for being a good post-divorce dad but jeez, save it for the leather couch.

Gavbot interviews that he appreciates that April was so heart-felt and it touched him “in a way”. It does appear to have sobered him up slightly.

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As I finish pondering the incestuous wife-swapping world of the Boots adverts, we are back in Venice and shirtless Italian boys are racing around. Except it’s not Venice any more, it’s Murano. This show’s sense of place is ever shifting. After a day of whining and dining, Gavbot and April plonk themselves down at the side of a canal, as Bored Voiceover Man informs us that it’s crunch time. If April gets a rose now, she’s staying. If not, she GOES HOME. Like Gavbot is capable of rejecting these girls one-on-one to their faces. This time is no exception, and April is presented with a rose. Incidentally, either Gavbot’s having gel issues or he’s forgot to pack his Head & Shoulders on this trip.

As is his wont these days, he demands a kids, and April sort of…kisses him like a normal person might at the end of a reasonably succesful if not mind-blowing date? She interviews that she’s really happy it went so well, and OMG SHE FINALLY GOT TO KISS HIM! Gavbot interviews that he’s really glad that he and April shared their feelings with one another but…eh, no tongues. You can tell if he hadn’t already given her a rose someone would be first in line for the chop at the rose ceremony. GIVE IT UP OR GO HOME!

April then says that she’s really happy with how everything went after her earlier LITANY OF DISASTER (ie, she burnt a bit of one dress), and she’s so glad she unburdened to him all the things that she never told her other boyfriends when she was going out with them. I’m hoping the bit we saw was everything and there wasn’t an unfortunate incident involving the family dog left out or anything. Anyway, she and Gavbot walk off hand in hand into the sunset. Probably in Prague or something.

Next day now, and Georgie fair sprints, in her new OVER THE TOP POSITIVE MORGAN WHO LOVES EVERYBODY persona, into the gardens of Gavbot Mansions : Italy, to tell everyone that OH MY GOD YOU GUYS, THERE’S ANOTHER DATE *SQUEAL*! All the girls are going to party like it’s 99AD, which ironically enough was during a period of stability and relatively decent governance in the Roman Empire (THANK YOU GCSE CLASSICS!). The way in which these girls are going to party though, is sadly not going to be being force-fed dormice or made to drink until they throw up all over Gavbot Mansions, it’s via a TOGA PARTY. Even though, in a recap diversion I’m sure you will all find fascinating, women didn’t actually really wear togas. Unless they were prostitutes. Just sayin’

BUT WAIT, THERE’S A TWIST! Firstly, the girls are going to have to make their togas themselves! SEXY TOGAS! Secondly, even though April already has a rose, she’s going to be made to participate anyway, because hey, why waste an opportunity to get all the girls half-dressed? Anyway, the girls are all given sheets (white, even though generally Roman women didn’t wear white) and some safety pins and gaffer tape and told to get on with it. Everyone twists and crops and pins and turns, and Georgie’s toga in particular looks like a feet of engineering that Brunel would be proud of. Layla meanwhile is not so happy, as OOPS, she has cropped her toga such that it is practically displaying her Val Gina to the world, WHAT AN ERROR!

Keshia is aiming to make hers look sexy, but frankly it looks a bit like a butcher’s smock. Still, it is a work in process she says. I hope it is supposed to be a butcher’s smock, and the “progress” part with be someone bloodletting all the way up the front. Carrianne meanwhile looks on the verge of hanging herself with the bedsheet, and complains to the camera that she doesn’t really like “the creative arts” (well lah di dah) but she’s tried to make a dress that makes her look like “a pretty goddess…with a bit of sex in”. Maybe Venus or, as she was known in Greece, Aphroshite. Morgan announces to the group that SHE’S GOING SHORT then rends at the garment with her bare hands. This results OH NO, YOU CAN ALMOST SEE HER BUM. NOW SHE LOOKS LIKE A TOTAL TOGA-SLUT! THIS IS ENTIRELY ACCIDENTAL THOUGH, SO DON’T GO THINKING SHE’S AN ACTUAL SLUT! CIRCUMSTANCE HAS JUST CONSPIRED TO MAKE HER LOOK THIS WAY, THEREFORE IT IS SEXIER CAUSE SHE IS A GOOD GIRL REALLY!

At the side Layla and Carrianne both agree that Keshia’s looks the best. Cawwianne having praise for another girl without any sort of ulterior motive almost makes me fall off my sofa. I guess it is just (*sniff*) “the creative arts”.

Once all the togas are made, the girls traipse out to the gardens of Gavbot Mansions : Italy again where Gavin is stood in…Jesus Christ. He’s reclining on a couch wearing a purple sash, the most ridiculously ostentatious head-garland I’ve ever seen, and white sheets just…draped haphazardly round his nethers. He’s NEVER looked more like cheap gay porn. And that’s saying a lot. He tells the girls that they all look RAVISHING, but he needs to take a closer look. And what better way to take a closer look than a FASHION SHOW! YAYYYY! This show really is burning up those reality show cliches.

(As a sidebar, Gavbot is not happy just being Emperor, he has declared himself to be a ROMAN GOD, and says that his favourite girl of the fashion show will become a GODDESS. Whilst the Imperial Cult was very much a thing, the only Emperors really batshit enough to declare themselves actual GODS were utter nutterbutters like Caligula. And even THEY didn’t, as far as I’m aware, claim to be able to turn women into goddesses with their penises.)

First up is Georgie, who says she’s very proud of her first attempts to make a dress, and all the girls called her Princess Toga. Zivile follows, in a belly-dancing inspired toga, which she shows off by wiggling for Gavin in an incredibly gynaecological way. I don’t think I’ve seen as much of a woman since I came out the womb. Layla follows, and admits she maybe got a bit too scissor-happy with her dress, but hey, it’s SMALL AND CUTE, just like her! Keshia’s next, with her toga showing off her entire back (Keshia appears to have a tattoo of a rose coming out of her arse-crack. I really hope she didn’t get that done specifically for the show.) and proclaiming herself “Sexy Toga”. Cawwianne is next and says that she is called “Eve Toga” because she has leaves over her fanny. Thanks Cawwianne! Also, anyone showing knowledge and appreciation of Christian mythology in 99AD Rome would have been executed by the state.

Just a thought. (*ponders thought*)

(Please to note I am not even 1% criticising the show for being historically accurate. I’m not expecting anything at all – it can’t even portray the present day accurately. I’m just easily amused).

(I do wonder how my Classics teacher would feel about my most practical application for his teachings being an internet recap of an episode of Gavin Henson’s The Bachelor. Then again, I only took the subject because I fancied him anyway).

Anyway, Morgan is next, rolling her eyes the whole way, and declaring herself to be “Cupid Toga” even though Cupid is blates part of Greek Mythology not Roman, how IGNORANT AND AWFUL AND I DON’T KNOW THE EDUCATION SYSTEM THESE DAYS, ETC ETC. We close with Layla asking Gavin what he’s wearing underneath his toga and says that he’s wearing nothing, because “we Romans, we’re very confident men”. This bravado is undercut slightly by the fact that you can see his black swimming trunks quite clearly underneath the white material. He’s been SEVEN EPISODE around women now and he’s not learnt basic stuff like this? Oh dear.

Gavbot interviews that he quite enjoyed just sitting back and staring at everyone’s tits. You know, for a change. His role in this show is so active normally. But NOW he has to make a decision, even though nobody really stood out as a designer. Gosh, it’s like the annual menswear challenge on Project Runway. Anyway, Keshia wins because…she’s not wearing a bra. RIGHT ON! ONE FOR THE SISTERHOOD!

This victory means she is now transformed into a GODDESS. Probably Diana. It also means she gets to sit with Gavbot and drink yet more booze in the garden. She flirts with him, asking if her name of “Sexy Toga” (I can’t wait for all the losing girls to form an X-Factor style girlband along these lines) was appropriate. Gavbot’s all “yeah whatever” *glug glug*. I’m not suggesting that Gavbot’s just here for the booze in these last few episodes of winnowing down to the Layla victory, but it’s starting to feel like it. She brags that she got the name because all the girls thought she was the sexiest AS DID GAVBOT APPARENTLY HA HA HINT HINT. Gavbot just knocks back more free champagne.

Meanwhile, off at the side April, having just spent an entire day with Gavin, has decided to take up whining that it’s not FURR that Keshia is getting to spend yet MORE time with Gavbot, even after they spent that night in a tent together. Oh April, that was so long ago it wasn’t even in this COUNTRY. Also like she got any time with Gavbot in whilst Carrie was there, imagining her potential Welsh Ginger babies (THE BEST KIND!). Morgan (MORGAN!) of all people has some perspective and points out that solo time is what drove Gavin away from Ola and Laura (that and the…incipient madness), so it’s not necessarily a good thing.

Back on the grass, Keshia is telling Gavbot that it’s very cute that he sees the best in everyone, but it’s starting to make her wonder if he has any standards. Of course she says it nicer than that, but that’s what she means. Gavbot says that he will turn down girls if he’s “not capable of fancying them”, and Keshia full on giggle-snorts at the stupidity of this phrasing. Oh Keshia, if you’re not well versed in keeping a poker-face at the BS language of this show by this stage it’s probably for the best that you get out now, before he meets the parents.

She briefly gets the conversation back on track to how chemistry is either there or it isn’t, but this moment is interrupted by April and Carrianne finally losing her mind and marching all the rest of the girls out onto the grass to hijack the mini-date and start demanding a pool-party. How rude!

Also, how lucky that Gavbot is conveniently wearing his swimming trunks. It’s like how, no matter how outlandish the location for the seduction, no matter how exposed, how random, how sudden, someone ALWAYS has a condom. You know, in the porn.

Anyway, yes, it’s TIME FOR A POOL PARTY! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(*several hours later, when it gets dark*)

Everyone jumps in the pool, and pushes one another in the pool, and Gavbot of course can’t stop talking about his penis and shrinkage and blah blah blah. From the side, Carrianne bellows “GAVIN, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU’RE LIKE AN ITALIAN STALLION!”. Apart from the Italian and Stallion parts. Gavbot just blushes, manfully. Then interviews that he’s really enjoying it, but sharing a pool with SEVEN WOMEN is a little overwhelming. Whatever Gavbot, you’ve shared a bath with fourteen guys before. And also when you play rugby. Fortunately for Gavin, his decision is about to made for him, as Carrianne swishes through the water like a cosmetically enhanced titty-shark and latches onto him at the side. She declares her very really feelings for him, and Gavbot does his best “confused” face at her again. We are reminded via montage that Carrianne is a bit…free with her affections.

She and Gavbot sit and flirt and paw and talk about what they really want, and honesty and feelings and moments and real reason at the side of the pool, until all the other 6 girls get really bored of how the last three episodes have been entirely about this string of clichés (and the things she’s saying and doing), and Morgan snots at Gavbot that he might want to talk to some of the other girls some time. Or maybe she’s just offended by the following egregious subtitling fail :

“I don’t wan’t anyone else”.

Jeez Louise.

Keshia also protests that there might want to be some balance here, and Gavbot grunts back that Carrianne was talking about something really deep, so it’d be rude for anyone to cut her off. Yeah, it’s not like you let all the other girls prematurely end your Keshia-date or anything is it? Anyway, Carrianne smugs all the way down the camera at this development. Layla then interviews that she admires Carrianne “in a way” because of her chutzpah, but it’s not really fair on the girls who haven’t got to spend time with him (Mother Theresa Mother Theresa, Layla is so free and beatific with her opinions, she shines down on the lesser girls as a beacon of hope to the hopeless).

We are reminded via montage that everyone hates Carrianne and she made Nickie quit. Also that her very presence is threatening to cause the whole show to collapse in on itself. Back at the pool, and Georgie has now joined in with the Gavbot assault, saying if he wants an answer as to why Nickie quit, and she’s about to, then he can look at what just happened here and THINK ON. Gavbot whines on about how he couldn’t cut Carrianne off when she was POURING OUT HER HEART TO HIM (/about to give him an underwater blowie) but he will take on board that there are supposed to, nominally, be other girls on the show.

Georgie giggles in interview that it feels like she and Gavin just had their first argument! Like in a proper relationship! LOL! She’s really proud of herself for putting herself out there and telling him things like how what they are. She was initially upset that she’d upset Gavin but she’s thought about it since and decided she didn’t really give a shit. Also, her taxi’s here in a minute. Hold on whilst she just finds her handbag. Morgan meanwhile, wearing ear-rings so ridiculously huge that I can’t help but think she might have been trying to get dolphins to leap through them, a la Sea World, says she didn’t really see the point of any of them turning up for the pool party when it just turned into the Carrianne Show again.

MAKE UP MORE RUMOURS THEN MORGAN. GOD! SHE MUST HAVE SHAGGED SOMEBODY ELSE BY THIS POINT!

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After I finish wondering if the world needs another Three Musketeers Movie, or indeed another Orlando Bloom movie, it’s right back in the action, and Gavbot has organised one last treat for the girls before this evening’s Rose Ceremony, whilst he goes off and drinks more booze. It’s SINGING LESSONS! From Julie Mellor – Mezzo-Soprano. The girls task today is to learn an Italian Song. I hope it’s this one. At the end of the session, Julie Mellor – Mezzo-Soprano will pick the best singer, and they will perform the song for Gavbot this afternoon, at which point he will decide whether it is rose-worthy or not. Julie Mellor – Mezzo Soprano, makes Lesley Garrett seems positively subdued.

I wonder if the professional singer will win? Anyway, Carrianne, Keshia and April all trip over themselves to claim that they can’t sing and they are in fact tone-deaf. Julie Mellor-Mezzo Soprano insists that nobody is tone deaf, and Keshia promises her that she’ll be regretting saying that in about 5 seconds time. Naturally having identified these girls as the ones who can’t sing, Julie Mellor-Mezzo Soprano gets them to rehearse in front of her first, and throws Layla into the mix as well. Carrianne sounds like the brown noise. Nobody else can even compare with her shitness. Layla interviews that it was obvious that Carrianne was the worst and wouldn’t shut up, and Carrianne interviews that the teacher has just given up on her altogether. Just like the rest of humanity.

The song itself incidentally is…I don’t know. It’s no Total Eclipse Of The Heart, let’s put it that way. The sort of thing you’d find on a Simon Cowell Il Divo group album as filler in-between the Italianised versions of swing ballads and the Anglicised versions of the Best Of Classic FM. Bleh.

Bored Voiceover Man tells us that the girls will have to rehearse quick, as in one hour’s time they will be auditioning for Julie Mellor-Mezzo Soprano. Morgan jokes with Layla that she’s just going to get Georgie to sing for her whilst hiding in a bush, and Morgan will just mime along. Layla laughs along ho ho that’s definitely not how it worked on X Factor definitely not ho ho. Georgie herself is meanwhile at this point stood off practising on her own, doing her damndest to look as much like a Hayley Westenra video as possible. Also theoretically in with a chance is Zivile, who was a choirgirl back in Lithuania. Oh the CUT-THROAT world of Lithuanian girl-choirs. Additionally April and Keshia having got some attention this week, it is now time for Zivile to climb on the treadmill of panic about how she hasn’t spoken to Gavbot in weeks. She MUST win this sing-off! She must! If Gavbot does not take her hymen before next full moon, she turn into werewolf forever! What chance then her love for Nickie?

Meanwhile, Carrianne and Morgan have hit a detente and are discussing whether they think Zivile or Georgie need this date more. Morgan says that Zivile should get it without a doubt, but Carrianne thinks that Georgie might need to clear the air after getting into a fight with Gavin last night. Georgie meanwhile is pondering what to say if she does win the singing mini-date. And how many swear-words to use.

IT’S TIME FOR THE SING OFF! WHO WILL WIN? CRUISE SHIP GEORGIE, OR VOICE OF AN ANGEL ZIVILE? Or erm…April, who has decided she wants to compete as well, despite having a voice thinner than…well…April. Zivile gives it more welly from the belly (TM Charlotte Church, who will hopefully putting in an appearance any day now), but in the end the winner is Georgie, with her popera stylings. (Morgan also sings, but it’s best not to dwell).

Winner decided, Zivile cries in interview that yet again she’s let a chance to speak to Gavbot slip through her fingers, and she’s worried that she’s going into tonight’s Rose Ceremony without having made any sort of impact whatsoever. Poor Zivile. Georgie meanwhile is worried that her taxi is running a little late. She might give them a ring in a second, just to make sure she gave them the right address. (/She worries that the last two times she’s spoken to Gavbot have been a bit shit, and this all feels a bit weird).

To Georgie’s historic performance now! Gavbot has booked out the entire theatre in the town of Castelfranco Veneto in order to best watch the performance from his balcony. I feel for the performers in the Italian touring production of Chicago whom Gavbot just deprived of a pay-cheque. Georgie takes to the stage, and sings her song, and Gavbot tries his best to look impressed or excited, or like years married to Charlotte Church haven’t left him selectively deaf to this sort of thing. Clap clap clap encore.

Once she’s done, it’s time for Gavbot to choose whether Georgie’s performance is worthy of a rose or not. OOH THE TENSION! First though, back at the house, April, Keshia and Carrianne all kibbitz over the likely outcome of the singing micro-date. Carrianne doesn’t believe that any man could be so HEARTLESS as to turn a woman down after they’d SUNG THEIR HEART OUT to him, and April thinks Georgie’s beautiful singing will definitely provoke a change of fortunes between herself and Gavbot. I’ll say – she’s just made her pitch for a career in the Classic Charts, she’s OFFSKI. Call me, Catherine Jenkins!

She tells him she’s had a really good time, but their relationship is soured irretrievably by the continuing curdling factor of Carrianne. She thinks it’s fairly obvious that they’re never getting together, and also, coincidentally, this is the last day she’s going to get to fanny around in the Med on Channel’s 5 dollar. So erm…bye! Keep in touch though, definitely! Sadly she does not throw Gavbot’s rose off the balcony, as any girl with a sense for the dramatic would have done. Good job making it in the pop world, Georgie.

Gavbot thanks her for making his decision tonight easier, and they both leave with a hug and lots of “thank you”s and “good luck”s. I’m kind of disappointed he didn’t get all “YOU CAN’T QUIT! YOU’RE FIRED!” about it, but hey ho. Georgie interviews on her way out that she’s disappointed that it didn’t end like she expected (ratings over 1 million would have been nice), but oh well, back to the Cruise Ships.

Back at Gavbot Mansions, the girls are, as usual, hanging around at the pool and having production prompted conversation. They guzzle champagne by the bucket, and wonder what’s happening with Georgie?!?! Gavbot arrives and tells them all that what happened with Georgie is that he just got dumped. *sad face* Nobody really gives him the sympathy or attention he’s angling for here. Poor Gavbot. Layla gleefully interviews that she is totally sad that Georgie went OBVIOUSLY, but hey, this just increased her chances of staying by ….some percentage.

As usual at these pre-ceremony cocktails, Gavbot awkwardly does the rounds and waits for someone to corner him for a “private moment” (/justification to keep them in even though they’ve done nothing for the past month). This week it’s Zivile! She takes Gavbot aside and straight up asks him if he’s racist. Does he mind that she is foreign and also that she has a foreign family? Bless Zivile. I guess it would potentially be less marketable, especially to readers of The Daily Star : the official newspaper of the English Defence League. Gavbot assures her that he’s not a racist, in fact he thinks it would be really exciting to date a foreign. He’s always been fascinated in the culture of…Lithium? Right? That’s where she’s from? But first he obviously has to work out if he’s capable of being attracted to her. *checks boner*. Yup, she’s fine. Still “mysterious”.

Never mind that though, would she like to talk about her background in a TMI sort of way? You know, the way that will make it even more crushing when she gets cut at Final Four in favour of Carrianne? Zivile obliges, and says that she is very traditional and old-fashioned and she idolises her parents relationship and she would like to be a good wife, mother and lover (*eyes to ground*) to Gavbot if he will let her. When she falls in love with someone, she falls in love COMPLETELY, please Gavbot, please take my heart out and smash it into pieces live for Richard Desmond’s amusement!

As a side interview, Zivile says that she’s really glad she got one-on-one time with Gavin, as she was desperate for it. Hey, at least she’s honest. She’s now going into the Rose Ceremony on a level with the other girls! Keshia meanwhile is interviewing that she can’t read Gavbot, and thinks it is 50-50 whether she gets to stay or has to go. At this point I have to say I thought Morgan was a goner. Shows what I know. Carrianne follows by saying she doesn’t have a clue either, and Morgan closes out this round of interviews by saying that she thinks it’s between her and Keshia as to who goes home.

DUN DUN DURRRRRRRRN

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After I finish wondering when Jedward are going to replace the creepy-ass Coco Pops monkey like they promised they would, it’s time for the ROSE CEREMONY! April, of course, is safe. Order of rose-granting is :

Layla (because she is pretty and self-confident)
Morgan (because she is easy…on the eye, and is pretty, with a good body)
Cawwianne (because she is fun to be around, and beautiful)
Zivile (because she has every quality a man would want from a girlfriend or wife)

Meaning that this week’s victim is Keshia. She looks genuinely a bit put out poor thing. She winsomes her way up to Gavbot and tells him that she guesses he’s not her Prince Charming after all. More like her Prince Charmin. She tells him that she’s fine, and asks if he can walk her out. She interviews on the way that she’s had a great time and it’s been a marvellous experience. Zivile says she is overwhelmed and exited that she gets to take him to Lithuania to meet her family! Morgan is also happy about…a variety of things. As is Carrianne.

What a happy ending that is. Victory for Morgan and Carrianne. This makes it two episodes in a row I’ve lost my favourite person. Who have I got left? Zivile? I guess it’ll allow me to approach the final three episodes (YES, THREE, THERE ARE THREE MORE) with some sort of editorial detachment.

NEXT WEEK : We meet Carrianne’s family. It’s all a bit Texas Chainsaw Mssacre.

8 thoughts on “The Bachelor – Episode 7

  1. Neil K

    Aphroshite lol. And Diana was Goddess of Booze, right?

    Of the 5 girls left I have to say I can only really see Ziville making it to being his wife. Layla will get bored with him as soon as the tabloids disappear, as will Cawianne and Morgan and a relationaship with April will probably last a few months until she too finds him depressingly dull and shallow. So according to my theory that Gavbot is getting rid of girls in reverse order of appropriateness, I predict Zeville will leave next followed by April.

    Of course this has absolutely nothing to do with breast-size or number of kisses received thus far. (I’m sure Gavbot isn’t that shallow *uncrosses fingers* )

    Reply
      1. Neil K

        I’m sure she’d take it in her stride and probably think it her duty to do it for him etc etc obedient lifelong partner and so on…

        As for her father though… now that could be very amusing. 😀

  2. Missfrankiecat

    Not for the first time in my life I have been very disappointed in a man’s performance. Gavbot’s run on Strictly really changed my vaguely negative view of him, based on non-knowledge of rugby and his spats with Charlotte, to positive warmth. But this show reveals him to be a complete plank, and, possibly if he really has been with Layla since the beginning as per the press reports, pretty dishonest. Really sorry to see Keshia go, along with Georgie, although it was pretty obvious she would be too challenging for him.

    Reply
    1. Neil K

      Let’s be honest. Counting to ten is challenging for our Gavbot. Kesh and Georgie would’ve been way beyond him. 😀

      Reply
    2. monkseal Post author

      I think the problem is that The Bachelor either has to be either completely delusional, or a darned good actor to cover the fact that he’s probably decided his winner in the first few days. And Gavbot is, frankly, neither.

      Reply
  3. mstuart

    Oh, I guess this means Layla won. I think what is quite amazing is that I can’t actually find any of these women attractive or imagine why anyone would want to be in a relationship with them. Although I do think Zivile has a natural beauty that will no doubt fade fast once she has had her heart ripped out, chewed up, and spat out. I wonder if it’s actually Gavin that makes them seem less attractive?

    Reply

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