Twenty Reasons To Watch Over The Rainbow

Apart from the obvious one that I’m recapping it naturally.

So, starting this Friday (as part of the apparent BBC drive to get people to watch BBC1 on a Friday evening, despite it being more of a dead zone than the area behind Kim Marsh’s eyes) Andrew Lloyd Webber is back, and looking for someone to play Dorothy in a West End version of The Wizard Of Oz. But why should you, the discerning viewer burnt out on weekend reality tv vote-in talent shows such as Strictly Come Dancing, X Factor, So You Think You Can Dance?, Dancing On Ice, Davina’s Dance and Discount Carpet Warehouse, and Let’s Drag Up For Comic Relief, watch? What sets this show apart from the rest? What memorable things have happened? If you need selling to, here’s the pitch :

1. Andrew Lloyd Webber actually cares

Anybody who’s watched any Cowell show in the past few years knows how bored he affects to be by everything. Basically the second a contestant shifts over a million units is the second his brain switches on. And as we slide out of our 7th iteration of Strictly and 5th of Dancing On Ice, it’s obvious the judges are going through the motions a little. But Andrew cares. He’s EXCITED. Maybe a little bit too excited, given the full body wriggles he frequently goes into every time the camera’s on him, and that bizarre storm-off he did over Keisha and Niamh being in the bottom 2, but it’s nice to have a head judge who really CARES you know?

2. Seamus’ sing-out

In the annals of poor reality tv losers, nobody will ever surpass Seamus, who full-on spat “the words conspiracy theory come to mind”, then shoulder-barged the other Josephs as they removed his coat during the sing-out, and then changed the words of “Close Every Door To Me” to read “I HAVE BEEN PROMISED A SHOW OF MY OWN!”. And this is supposed to get you work?

3. The sing-out in general

Probably no moment in the history of these shows will surpass the very first sing out. Just as you were expecting the show to follow the usual pattern and just have the leaving contestant reprise their last performance over the credits, “Police Intelligence Officer Maria” Laura was ushered in front of a row of the remaining contestants, who sang “So Long Farewell” at her, complete with dance routine, as she was booted off into oblivion. Over the years the sing-out has gradually diminished in impact from Connie’s beaming ecstatic “Intense Maria” face as her rivals were dispatched one by one, but I have high hopes for this year, and the reason is six little words : “Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead”. Make it happen show.

4. Rachel changing the lyrics

In “I’d Do Anything”, Rachel was the vanilla contestant. The hardened professional who you know COULD do the show but nobody really wanted her to unless the “strong personalities” of the other contestants had driven them into her arms. When it became clear that that number wasn’t enough to propel her to the win, Cameron Mackintosh gave her the fatal advice to “stamp her personality on a song”. She did this by screaming and popping her eyes through Cabaret, ending with the greatest lyric change in reality history – “When I Go I’ll Go Like RACHEL!”. And go she did, but only after the most insane performance in ALW reality history.

5. Lewis’ tears.

People often marvel that the sole “boys series” of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s searchathons should yield by volume far more tears than either of the “”girls series”, gender stereotyping being what it is. What these people fail to realise is that 95% of those tears were provided by Lewis. The nana’s boy third-placer who lacked any discernable talent beyond looking exactly right for the part and gaining the unconditional scary love of Bill Kenwright cried at everything. Being away from nana, being reuinited with nana, getting a phone call from nana, being in the bottom 2, not being in the bottom 2, it being cold in the studio, meeting McFly, going to a premiere… The list is endless. Never has a more hormonal man appeared on reality tv.

6. Pervo-Judge

Every year one of the judges acts like they’re filming a video to be used in “Sexual Harassment in the Workplace” seminar. First there was David Ian’s unseemly attentions directed solely at Manbot Maria Siobhan. Then came Denise Van Outen, who divided her affections between Daniel and Lee, eventually deciding to marry and spawn with the not-gay one out of the two (SMART MOVE VAN OUTEN!). Some cynics would suggest that her special interest in Lee compromised her judging role of repeating everything John Barrowman said. But finally last year came the perv de tuto pervos – bizarrely enough Dame Edna Everage, basically asking all the Nancys under 24 if they wanted to come back to his dressing-room and stroke a kitty. Barring a sudden burst of lesbianism from Sheila Hancock, sadly we are unlikely to see his like this year.

7. Barbara Windsor’s Face Of Truth

Every week, the contestants take part in a “Nancy Mission” or a “Maria Assignment” or a “Joseph Task”. And whilst there have been many memorable ones (everyone lining up for Barrowman to mouth-rape them, the Josephs being asked to perform in front of their own mothers wearing only nappies as part of some sort of bizarre Freudian fever dream, Connie refusing to believe she’d failed the assault course despite losing half a lung, Samantha Barks “sense of humour”), no mission was quite as amazing as when Barbara Windsor was required to evaluate contestants’ Cockney accents and ,upon hearing Jessie’s attempt, she subsequently not only broke the fourth wall, but possibly also the fifth and sixth ones with her utter horror at what came out. She broke the reality show FLOOR AND CEILING.

8. It doesn’t really matter if your favourite wins

Sick and tired of wailing and gnashing your teeth all “YOU’LL SEE, MARIA LAWSON WILL HAVE A CAREER!” and then finding out that your dreams of vengeance are unrealistic? Then the ALW shows are right for you. They’re not so much a competition as a giant casting call where, if you have even a modicum of talent, you will eventually be cast as the lead in something. There are no losers on this show, only people who are destined to parts other than the one the show is looking for. EVERYBODY WINS!

9. My favourites all go out half way, leading to a lack of bitterness at the end

Having said all that, obviously I am never immune to bitterness, so you’ll all be glad to hear that my favourites (Daniel , Aoife, Sarah) all get knocked out halfway through. This means by the time the final rocks around, I’m more or less happy for anyone to win, so you don’t have to wade through paragraphs of my entirely wrong opinions about your favourites not being that good. Well apart from Lewis. I never really got that.

10. Josh Groban fan boy 4 life Keith genuinely believing he might get to sing with him despite literally the entire show being about Lee Mead by that point

Nuff said.

11. Keisha’s narcissm

Rarely has a contestant pulled out a move as hilariously misguided as responding to being asked what she’d bring to the role of Nancy by basically saying “my massive hooters and booty”. God bless you Keisha.

12. Andrew Lloyd Webber’s attempts to appear current and relevant

For at least a month before the show starts, and for the first month of live shows, Andrew Lloyd Webber will invariably claim that he wants a “new type of X”. A Maria that’s like a cross between Amy Winehouse and Billie Piper. A Joseph that’s a hybrid of Justin Timberlake and Deng Xiaoping. A Nancy that’s a mixture between Tori Amos, Stacey Slater and that rapping granny from The Wedding Singer. None of this will bear any relation to any of the decision he makes in the competition or what people vote for. Get ready for another month of “I want a cross between Ke$ha, Andie McDowell and Archbishop Desmond Tutu” followed by a winner who looks like Judy Garland but a bit fatter.

13. Nancy School

Every year, after the comedy people have been booted, but before the live shows, we get “Nancy School”. Or “Joseph Academy” or (apparently) “Dorothy Farm”. This is the stage where some people with talent and a little bit of screen time get cut, which is probably a merciful relief to them after their first exposure to Vocal Coach/All-Purpose Harridan/Eurovision Reject Zoe Tyler. This cut is achieved by having everyone sing in a great big group at the same time, whilst Barrowman (or in the case of this year I’m guessing Diet Barrowman John Partridge) stalks through them, touching them on the shoulder to signify their metaphorical death, at which point they collapse like their batteries have been turned off. Other things happen at Maria College as well, but we all know that’s the best bit.

14. Romanian Prostitute Maria

On the show Simona was never the most popular with the girls (she was a bit bitchy and liked to go to bed early), or the judges (she had a thick accent and wasn’t the best actress at anything other than TERRIFYING BITCH RAGE), or the public (a combination of the above). Still, she found her wings in a combination of a gloriously bizarre audition for Eurovision bopping around in a frilly tutu-dress, and her gleeful admission on “When Joseph Met Maria” that she was getting a lot of work “playing immigrants and prostitutes”. Such are the casting opportunities for Eastern European people in the English entertainment industry.

15. Jailbait Joseph’s Performance Of Patience

Anthony’s week 3 performance of “Patience” will go down in history with Rosie Ribbons doing “The Winner Takes It All” in the grand pantheon of reality tv show performances that were objectively so awful that not even the contestants fans will even start trying to defend them. You could see his face from beginning to end just KNOWING that this was a bad idea from which no good could come. And for once in terms of bad reality singing performances, he actually went home for it.

16. “Emilie’s Letter”

Emilie was a girl on the road to becoming the “love to hate” contestant. She was a little bit brash, a little bit stage school, and she wore t-shirts with the Cookie Monster on. She was there to embody every fear about “stage school brats” that the audience might have, and so be the villain of the Top Ten. Except unlike most of the people chosen to fill that role, she was self-aware enough to see where this was going, and pulled out of the death skid by quitting. And her self-awareness got rewarded as all self-awareness on reality shows does – a hilariously nasty comic reading of the note she sent to production explaining her decision by Graham Norton. Never has a reality tv quitter been burnt so hard, so unfairly, and so hilariously that neither of those mattered.

17. BARROWMAN!

Even I, as a fervent Barrowman denier, can’t deny that this was the format he was born to participate in. Loud, enthusiastic, unafraid to give a provokative opinion, repeatedly referring to the state of his loins, and prone to repeating everything in triplicate and jumping up and down pumping his fists in a manner that would make even Tom Cruise look away embarassed, BARROWMAN basically acted like he was hopped up on a million different illegal substances in perfect balance whilst participating and it just worked. Here’s hoping that Diet Barrowman will be anywhere near as memorable.

18. Jodie Prenger’s Date Night

From the moment Jodie Prenger stepped onto the television, alledgedly on her third date with a brand new boyfriend (the start of a saga that involved an engagement, a split, and a lot of very bitter newspaper interviews) and proceeded to crack BARROWMAN up in a terrifying gender cross mirror act, we knew that, whether you loved her or hated her, we were at least getting a winner less traditional and more exciting/terrifying than either Connie “Terrifying” Fisher and Lee “Clown Wig” Mead. This series she will be back heading the search for a Toto, which is asking for about seventeen different jokes all at the same time.

19. The show is following up a “search for a Nancy” by being a ” friend of Dorothy”.

Basically, this show is so gay friendly, it makes Strictly look like Top Gear.

20. Did I mention that I’m recapping it?