Strictly Come Dancing 9 – Week 7 Performance

I think Len’s got a bit of grit up his lens.

Previously on Strictly : What had, up until this point been a happy, huggy, sharey, learny, growy kind of teatime family cuddle of a show became nothing more than a bully pulpit to mock those who struggle

physically,

mentally,

emotionally,

socially,

and sexually. (Odd that Russell decided to remove his glasses when Flavia came out so he couldn’t see her. Poor Flavia choreographing that. I hope Jimi’s treating her right…)

Thank goodness Len is back this week to teach us all how to be lovely again! WOO-HOO!

LIVE!

Oh Anita, the Velociraptor Dance is for Bruce, not for you.

Out to the floor and the band strikes up and

Tess Dress Watch yields this. When I wor a lad, I used to have a game for my Commodore 64 where you had to mow a garden whilst avoiding snakes and…I dunno demonic water-taps or something, the 80s were an odd time in video games. Anyway, Tess is wearing a killer rendition of what the grass looked like, pre-mowing. At least her head looks nice this week. Bruce waffles us in, and we get our usual niceterseeyer

toseeyerNANCY. She is, as ever, about a second behind everyone else. Glad to see her back anyway – means she may bother turning up for the Finals Night Group Dance. Whatever that is this year. I’m sure Paloma Faith isn’t doing anything anyway. Why not just do last year’s again? Have Audley & Natalie do the patented GAVBOT LIFT.

Tess asks Bruce how he is, and Bruce says he’s had a very busy week promoting his album “Where’s Me Washboard?”.

Bruce, hanging around motorway service stations flogging demo copies out of a cardboard box is not “promoting”, not unless you’re a male X Factor winner. He’s been on a lot of shows this week anyway – The One Show (and it’s not as though they’ll have just anybody on!) and the Chris Evans Breakfast Show and…well that’s it. But he DEFINITELY WOULDN’T APPEAR ON “HOW TO LOOK GOOD NAKED”!

Well yes, because it isn’t on anymore, and hasn’t been for about three years. Also Bruce, I know they drop a bit as you get older, but I don’t need that image. I’ll never be able to play with a pair of clackers again. Bruce then talks gay for a bit. Oh how we laughed

The two of McFly who aren’t currently eating anus (ON THAT JUNGLE SHOW, CALM DOWN) are all “tsk, amateur”.

Tess reminds us that last week Lulu’s exit sent shockwaves through the ballroom (as did Alex’s, when she fell on it), in some sort of alternative reality where people were really, really, REALLY easily shocked. So anyway, all of tonight’s celebrities are going to need to give an ELECTRIFYING performance if they want to stay in. If they can start with Len it’d be ideal. Car battery and a couple of clamps and we’re away! And this week there’s an added incentive to stay in because next week is WEMBLEY WEEK! OOH AHH let’s pretend to care. I’m going to miss the coach-trip up to Blackpool. That was always fun. A coach trip to Wembley’s just going to be them all stuck on the North Circular for 3 hours looking miserable.

Ahem. STARS OF OUR SHOW?

Here they are! Poor Russell. Between Holly and Chelsee he’s got no luvvies to feed off. Can we make sure he gets to mwah mwah with Anita next week before she leaves? One last time? Oh and speaking of our beloved stars, unfortunately Len is still fatigued from having to shuttle back and forth so we’re still stuck with

Jennifer Grey. That last facelift went a bit wrong. Think it might have affected her brain as well. Still scoring everything “8” mind you…But don’t worry fans of novelty chopping and changing. Holly has a new partner

IT’S BRENDA COLE Ladies and gentleman. People have wondered if, in the event of last week’s SHOCK BOOT not happening, Holly would be dancing with Anton instead. The answer is of course no – a crack team of frog-divers would be fishing bits of Bloody Bloody Lulu out of the Thames as we speak. We will get to the why and wherefores of this change-up later, but needless to say it involves Artem’s spine, injury porn, and the world’s saddest shoe.

Starship Karen this week is being manned by

Michael Balls, sadly minus the facial fuzz he was sporting on the Friday Panel this week. This is clearly because Karen will not allow beards on her Starship. Sorry Nicole Cutler. It’s just the blog from now. (Which is very good actually. You should all read it. *patronise patronise*)

Ike & Tina Turner dancing the jive

Alex’s adventures in getting the worst set of performance positions in the history of the show continues. Apparently what with all the dancing and her commitments to The One Show, Alex is starting to feel a little bit tired. Apparently she was having an afternoon nap this week, in her Dora The Explorer jammies and cuddly Pumbaa, and she asked Bruce to come and sing her a lullaby.

Tell it to the judge Bruce. Anyway, Bruce makes a joke that his singing definitely put the audience to sleep last week, so why not again? I couldn’t have slept through that any more than I could sleep through the foxes shagging in my bin at 4am.

VT time now, and Alex reminisces that her dance last week started swimmingly but then

oh no, her heel got caught in her dress. Would it be possible for one of the leading females to go a dance without this happening? Possibly? Just once this series? Anyway, Alex carried on like a “true trooper” says James. And I’m sure we all remember from their VT last week what it means to be in James’ army. So he means she distracted from the wardrobe malfunction by gurning camper than Russell Grant and Jason Donovan’s Big Gay Tango combined, and then fell on the floor, flashing her knickers to a passing sailor.

COME AND GET HER BOYS!

Training now, and James tells us that this week they’re dancing the jive

/gay bank robbery (“THIS IS A STICK UP! PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND GIVE ME ALL YOUR RAZZLE-DAZZLE, DARLING!”), which requires a lot of physical fitness. Alex, ever the entrepreneur, is considering taking all the training footage aired and turning it into a fitness DVD. I don’t think you can make DVDs that short dear. What would the Chapters menu say? “Second 1”, “Second 2”, “Second 3” “LENGTHY COMEDY INTERLUDE” “Second 4”? Anyway, Alex has decided that this dance DVD should be called

“Jive Away Your Jelly”. She’s just miffed because she tried that at the dinner table on Sunday and mum told her off. SO UNFAIR. She was just practicing her DANCING. *pout*

We are offered a brief preview of what this DVD might entail

(Third picture – not the world’s most convincing boob-job is it?) Still, the whole thing looks more professional than that one Katya’s shilling with all the enthusiasm that she can muster. Which is not a lot. “Yeah, Woo, Learn To Dance, WHERE’S MY FUCKING RINGER?”.

To the dancefloor now and

LOOK OUT ALEX, CHELSEE’S ABOUT TO RUN YOU OVER WITH HER CRAP DRIVING! Oh no, wait that’s just the stage lighting. Never mind. She’s dancing to “River Deep, Mountain High” which opens with a bit about being a little girl (check) and having a rag doll

(check). Either that or they’re incorporating Baby Wars into the actual dances these days. You can just hear Austin gnashing his teeth from here can’t you? He would have been hurling his toddler around like a rugby ball. You know, along with Erin, spitting into her Malibu and sneering “Oh, sure, when JAMES does it it’s COOL, but when I do it, it’s the worst showdance the show has ever witnessed, FINE.” Then she gets back to shagging the pool-boy and forgets all about it.

But yes, this is yet more literal choreography from the Brian Friedman school. She’s lucky he didn’t hurl a bucket of water in her face at the beginning of the chorus. As a jive it’s alright – she’s giving it a lot of energy and mental faces, but there’s not an awful lot happening and she’s really

hoofing more than she is kicking. Things do take a turn for the better when the LIGHTING CHANGES

AND THEY DO PROUD MARY ARMS. Proud Mary arms is always a bonus point from this judge. (Actually this whole dance was very Penny Lancaster Latin wasn’t it? A bit less scary admittedly…)

In the end, James can’t let Alex have nice things so he steals her dolly. The End.

(Sidebar : Both of these humans are in their 30s)

It gets no standing ovation, probably because it’s in the first half of the programme. This is how these things work I guess. Do a standing ovation too early in the night, and you’ve left yourself nowhere to go later on, unless you actually start jumping up and down. (Note to Producers : NO). Once they’ve arrived at Bruce, he tells Alex that she was born to dance, and introduces us all again to Davearch and

The Man In The Hat! Hooray! Don’t see him throwing a fit and calling emogirl82 a sod do you? MAKE HIM HEAD JUDGE.

Speaking of which, Bruce reassures us all that yes, Len is back, and the show wasn’t the same without him. It was better. And that’s Bruce saying that, not me. For once. Len himself starts, saying that he was a bit worried when he saw the doll at the start

probably because he thought Bloody Lulu was back, but she BLOSSOMED once she let it go, and

BUSTED AHHHT ALL OVER VA PLA(*fast forward*).

Alesha follows on from whatever Len was saying about Alex’s tits by praising her for her energy and telling her that you can really feel her confidence growing. It’s just the erm…dancing, that needs improving. But what an incredible opening to the show!

It says something when the man rendered insensate by painkillers is the only one looking like he even half agrees. Bless Artem for turning up though. If Holly and Brenda screw up his rumba, I hope he descends with a walking stick, dressed as the Phantom again, screaming “NO NO NO! NOT MY BEAUTIFUL CHOREOGRAPHY! YOU MONSTERS!”.

Having said that

Bruno found it fun. She had the enthusiasm of a manic cheerleader, and her timing was great, but she missed a pass and she didn’t do her tramp-murder properly. Still it doesn’t matter because he had

SO MUCH FUN WITH HER MEOW. Well at least he’s being a bisexual perv this week. I…guess that’s a step…sideways. Craig closes by saying that the effigy is a REMARKABLE likeness to James. I don’t know Craig, I find the hair far more convincing.

On the doll. He too liked her confidence in her performance (I swear, we haven’t heard about her NERVTH in weeks have we?) but also thought her performance needed more technical accuracy. James agrees this is fair comment which..THANK GOD. If he’d arrived in a mood to kick off as well as Len I don’t think I could have made it to the end.

Up to the Tessanine they deep and high, where Tess greets them by telling her to think back

six years to the start of this process, and ponder whether she ever thought she’d be able to stand up to the pressure of opening the show. Oh Tess, it only FEELS that long. Anyway, Alex is clearly too perturbed by the dress situation to give any sort of answer other than “yeah, sure, whatever you say Tess. Woo! James! Yay!”. Apparently at some point in the bit which I fast-forwarded Len said she was full of gusto. Looked more like she was full of bisto to me, but what do I know? (Don’t answer that). Scores are in

31.

Barry Gibb & Ola Jordan dancing the American Smooth

Apparently Robbie was asking Bruce what sort of tails he should wear for his American Smooth. Bruce suggested white-tails or black-tails. Robbie thought pig-tails or pony-tails. I think cock-tails meself. Do it proper Dynasty style and have them finish fighting in a duck pond in the middle of the dance-floor in full evening wear.

VT now and in absentia Len, it is up to my best friends the music department to take up for Robbie’s Real Man Feelings in his dance last week, by playing “Emotions” by Destiny’s Child over the top. Either that or they’re just taking the piss.

Robbie tells us that he was definitely feeling lots of emotion during the dance, so it’s a shame Craig didn’t see it. Oh Robbie, maybe if you’d gone and had your emotions in a giant clam people might have noticed. Can’t be having with “subtle” this year. Robbie complains that he can’t understand all the negative comments, whilst Ola worries that Robbie is shutting out all the positive comments that happen as well, and this is disrupting his delicate psyche. What say you Dr Hamela?

JUST HAVE A WANK WHILST THINKING ABOUT TOASTERS ROBBIE, IT’LL ALL FEEL BETTER! WOOOOOOO!

Robbie closes by saying that his performance made his wife and mother cry, and that’s all that counts to him.

Is he under the impression that we’re moving to a judging system measured by the bodily fluids produced by contestants relatives. Certainly it’d make for a different show. One won by Lisa Snowdon. (*shudder*)

Training now, and we cover Robbie’s dream of performing at Wembley. Which is next week. Apparently 11 year old Robbie

concussed himself whilst humping a goal-post.

(Use a cushion like every other boy your age Robbie). This concussion caused him to dream about

Fairy Ola, telling him that she would take him to Wembley one day, a pact she cemented by

blowing her magical snot-rockets all over him. What happened when he woke up from the dream is unrecorded, probably because we’re still pre-watershed. Let’s just say his football kit needed a double-wash. Hey, at least Ola’s getting the panto practice in early this year.

To the dancefloor

and a nice bout of step-bothering with Robbie doing Magnum face. Then he sits, clicking his fingers naffly, until Ola comes out wearing next to nothing, and selects him

HIM! LITTLE OLD ROBBIE SAVAGE HIM! to dance with. (I bet that’s the face Anita pulled when told she was cast this year). This is, unfortunately, my favourite part of the routine. They’re dancing to “Sway” in its authentic, original, Pussycat Hookers version, and…it’s just not very good. I don’t think. He’s very bobbly, his hands are weird, he’s constantly either miming the words or counting out, Nancy-style, and the lifts are poorly executed.

The bits in hold are quite nice. Probably could have done with more of them, less of the fancy stuff.

It’s always nice to end on a game of “Pin The Thumb On The Nipple” isn’t it? I’m guessing Alex & James have stopped playing it in their team because it’d be practically impossible for Alex to win. Up on the Tessanine the now diminished Strictly Mean Girls

regroup, and plot their next move. Maybe infect him with Luvvie-Luvvie disease that did for Peter Shilton? Russell’s never forgiven Ola for getting him on those Calteen bars anyway. Swedish Weight-Loss bars MY ARSE.

Over to the judges they go, where Alesha starts by telling him that he

REALLY IS A BALLROOM BOY. Great use of Steps, but they were a little erratic at times. Oh Alesha, that’ll be Lisa Scott-Lee. She always was a troublemaker. Also, I didn’t know they’d covered that song. I learn just a little bit more every week with this show. Bruce announces “all because of Orla! I blame Oh-lar”. So…he’s not even getting his mispronunciation lined up within a 1 second radius now.

Bruno congratulates him on becoming a “smooth operator” and the variety of steps in the routine. He also enjoyed the way that Robbie “swayed both ways”. Just like him this week, judging from his reaction to Alex. Apparently this was a comment on the elements of Latin AND Ballroom contained within the routine. Course it was Bruno. Course it was. Even Ola doesn’t look convinced,

and she choreographed it.

Craig follows by saying that his arm-placement was great, but he kept on doing odd things with his hands

like this. Apart from that, and the “step-touch” moment, whatever that was, he thought it was rather good. From the audience, Nancy,

/Pete Burns thinks “pfft, I could have done that. He was a rubbish cape”. Len closes by guffawing “WHEN EE WAS DOING VOSE FINGERS, EE WOZZ LOOKIN AT YOU CRAIG HURR HURR (*laughs like donkey*) (*fast-forwards*).

Up to the Tessanine they sway, and Ola is

quite pleased. Tess praises him for his “armography” and gushes that everyone may know him for his football skills (we do?), but his arms were made for lifting! Yes Tess. That is, indeed, what arms are made for. Legs are made for walking. Noses are made for blowing. Boobs are made for showing. Nancies are made for…erm…get back to me on that one. We get a brief beg to go to Wembley, and then Tess asks if she was worried Robbie was going to drop her.

NOT AT ALL WAS SHE WORRIED. NOT AT ALL. Scores are in – 31.

Disorderly Harrison & Natalie Lowe dancing the cha cha

For those wondering how much of the effort Natalie is putting in for this couple this week, it is 110%. And that’s not even an Apprentice 110%. They have broken Maths. Bruce jokes that Audley is a mountain of a man. Awful Pike? Mont Blank? KillaCraigjiro? Moaner Loa? K2(From Alesha)? Needsarest? Snowdonia 2?

I’ll stop now.

VT now, and Audley says that last week was a dream come true in terms of their dance, and he got his highest score and best comments yet. And yet he was still in the bottom 2. Again. We’re reminded that between Eggwina, Nancy Doo’Lally, and Bloody Lulu, Audley has now knocked out more old ladies than even the fevered imagination of the Daily Mail could imagine a black guy doing. We close with him singing

“Survivor” down the camera. I think Alesha’s very real status as the “British Beyonce” is safe for a while yet.

Training now, and

IT’S ACTUALLY TRAINING! THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH! No bikram yoga, no ballet, no knights, no porn sets, no 1950s educational training videos, no film tributes, no imaginary Satans, no ghosts, no flashbacks, no tie-in DVDs, no “curses”, no dancing with a broom, no comedy moustaches, no visits from McFly, no visits from McFly in comedy moustaches, no baby wars, no birthdays, no Arlene’s bedroom, no race-cars, no helicopters, no minor royals, no Tesco Metros, no Spanish Ambassadors, no coffin, NONE OF IT. Audley talks about trying to get into the Latin spirit, Natalie talks about how he needs to take charge of the dance.

It is a blessed relief quite frankly. MORE OF THIS PLEASE. I’m already using “THAT WAS SO WEAK!” from Natalie as my ring-tone. Well…alright, I’m not, but I am IN SPIRIT.

To the dance-floor and

ironically enough it turns out to be the dance this week that feels like it’s had the least amount of training put into it. I think, after three bottom 2s, he’s just got to the point that, whether he realises it or not, he’s just given up. What say you Dr Hammie?

QUITE RIGHT! NO MORE THAN THREE TIMES IN THE BOTTOM OVER A TWO MONTH PERIOD OTHERWISE YOU TURN BACK INTO A VIRGIN!

On the other hand Natalie’s working it so hard that she looks kind of drunk. Obviously still impeccable dancing etc etc, but between the woop-woop hands and the winking

(yes, that’s back) and the skirtography, it’s kind of a unflattering comparison to the lump of wood she’s dancing with.

They’re dancing to Uptight by Stevie Wonder. He must be spinning in his sunglasses. This I think is the worst bit :

I keep expecting it to turn out to be an optical illusion. I’m squinting really hard in case they turn into a duck or a rabbit and NOTHING IS HAPPENING. Then again, I could never do those Magic Eye things either. It’s leaden, it’s joyless, it’s over-egged, it’s barely mobile, it’s

possibly a less edifying goodbye cha-cha than even Craig Kelly’s. I CAN’T BELIEVE BLOODY LULU’S GONE AND I HAD TO END…oh no, wait, I totally can. Carry on. Natalie stands up and bellows “OH MY GOD! YOU DID IT!” right down his ear-hole. Yeah, she’s drunk. Can’t say as I blame her.

Over to Bruce, who immediately praises him for having NATURAL RHYTHM, especially for a TALL PERSON! Hey, why not cover his LOVELY SMILE and SIZE 178 SHOES Bruce. Show us the whole gamut. Especially after Cheryl so cruelly dumped her (NEVA 4GET)

Bruno starts for the judges by telling Audley that he really really likes him, please don’t hit him,

but that cha-cha was rubbish. No timing, and no precision. National Rail at bank holidays run more reliably than that did, and nothing was finished. He does like him though, honest! Natalie groans, leans backwards and slurs

“YOU DESERVE A GOOD PUNCH!”. Yeah, she’s super-drunk. Craig follows by saying that he doesn’t mean to be awful (much like Audley probably) but that was leaden, heavy, laboured and…I think he says “corpulid”. Which if it isn’t a word, it should be. And it should describe that.

Len follows by saying that the only way Audley’s getting to Wembley is on the Jubilee line.

I know, cheap-ass BBC as usual. They’ll probably make him bring his own props as well. Imagine poor Artem trying to get his lamp-post down the Tube (I’ve imagined it many ti[JOKE REDACTED]). With his back. Doesn’t bear thinking about. Len then gets booed

so of course he changes tack and talks about how he’s trying and it’s all very noble and SPORTSMAN EFFORT MARKS WELL DONE FOR TURNING UP DESPITE BEING TALL BLAH BLAH (*fast forward*). Alesha finishes by turning to Len and saying “I CAN’T BELIEVE JENNIFER GREY’S GONE AND I HAD TO ENDURE THAT!” (/tells Audley that the dance didn’t suit him and he copes better in ballroom)

Uptight they go to the Tessanine and

yeah super-duper-drunk. She starts rambling on to Audley about how he always manages to bring his best performance on the night. I feel that’s some sort of message to get us to not vote for him by making us imagine how much worse it could possibly have been. Audley then starts rambling on about how Wembley is on the Metropolitan Line rather than Jubilee Line, sorry to any “train freaks” out there. Well this an interesting Tessanine session. Audley confesses that he’s much more suited to ballroom hold than he is to free-roaming salsambcha Latin. He thinks he got the routine down, but he thinks he could have given it more punch. Thankfully he does not follow this up with “JUST LIKE I COULD CRAIG!”. Or more singing. Scores are in –

20.

King Of Drummers Harry McFlea & Aliona Vilani dancing the Argentine Tango

Apparently this week one of Harry’s fans got into his dressing room, puckered up, and left a great big lipstick mark on his dressing-table mirror.

As opposed to Len, who got into Aliona’s dressing room, puckered up and on her dressing-table left…well let’s not cover that. It’s best left to the imagination. Suffice to say Occupational Health have now decontaminated the area.

VT now, and Harry says that he was really pleased with his performance because blah blah stressful week, difficult dance blah blah. Somehow I’ve come to find his personality the most endearing out of all the male celebrities but…he’s not UNrepetetive is he?

Training and

oh, right, sorry (*closes door and walks away*). Well, at least they’re getting on better now than they seemed to be at the Launch Show right? Fortunately, in order to disrupt this heterosexual sexy-time here’s

MCFLEA! Again! Dressed in funny costumes this time though, so it’s definitely very different from the last time they turned up. It’s a whole new VT! They are apparently supposed to be “gauchos”, in honour of the Argentine Tango. Harry actually says the words “it was all going swimmingly until…” which, along with “I thought this was very amusing” on It Takes Two, is officially my Harry McFlea Middle-Classism of the week. He and his wife are going to have some lovely BBQs when they get older.

Anywho, Tom and Danny have brought Harry an

Argentina shirt and UP THE GAY QUOTIENT

until Harry and Aliona stop shagging, and get back to dancing, the sexy tension averted. ANOTHER DANCE DISASTER AVERTED, BY MCFLEA. Harry closes by saying “Well, that didn’t help at all!”. So. Very. Middle. Class.

To the dance-floor and

mmm, velvet. I’d ask someone about that hair though Aliona, looks like you’ve had rats at it. Maybe do your next dance with a little trap dangling off it?

They start dancing their tango to…some Argentine Tango-y music. What? I never said I was an expert. It definitely evokes sweaty pampers though. Apparently Katya danced to it in that film she done with him from Shrek. Their Argentine Tango is very

hands-on and very

legs-in-the-air, as you’d expect from an Argentine Tango from the Haus of Aliona but, I really quite like it. He’s doing the whole “stern leading” thing very well, the lifts are quite tidy, and it’s not over-burdened with unnecessary FLICKING ABAHT. This is also possibly the most graphic instance of

cunniliftus yet. This is how they say hello in Aliona’s country, after all. It’s not quite on the very top level of Strictly Argentine Tangos (Rachel, Ricky, Kara), because he could be a little more intense and a little constipated and his leg-sweepy things look a bit…off, but…I’m going to say I enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed Ramps’. And that’s only partly to piss off the Ramps ments. And also only partly because the singer’s not yowling “GOLDENAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” like she just sat on an angry cat. And also only partly because Len’s about to score it the same as Tiny Tina’s effort from last year.

I know, I know, over-compensating for Len, just call me Alesha.

And you can call Tom and Danny, Sabrina and Su-Elise. Let’s face it, they already call each other that of a weekend anyway. It gets a standing ovation, because it was not crap.

Craig starts for the judges, and praises him for his dominance and command and control. It was FILTH and he LAHVED IT YOU SLAAAAG.

Bruce asks Craig if wants one of his pills (like Craig couldn’t already get any pill he wanted from the stash Bruno’s got under his desk). Craig says he’s already had one, and Bruce replies “your pink one?”. Yes Bruce, the pill that’s keeping him gay, that one. Len follows,

droning on about missing the intensity and the gun shows and the sweaty pampers and the nachos and the Falkland Islands and blah blah blah. (*fast forward*) Aliona?

(*fast forward*) indeed. Especially as get to skip over Len yelling “YOU SILLY LITTLE SOD!” in Craig’s face for some reason.

Edifying moment in Strictly history there.

Fortunately

Alesha follows up by apologising to Harry for Len’s jetlag. OOH ALESHA BURN. Len protests that he’s not jet-lagged, HE’S HAD A WEEK OFF! I know. And still… Alesha found it passionate, with incredible control, and Bruno closes by

over-acting the wiggins out of everything to cover up the unpleasantness, just like he did when Chelsee almost flopped one out. Such a hero. IT WAS LIKE A THUNDERSTORM IN MY PAMPERS! I bet it was… Len, as usual when he’s messed up and over-stepped the line

just sits there auditioning for the Maggie Smith role in Downton Abbey. Yeah Len, I’m sure Julian Fellowes with be RIGHT ON THE PHONE.

Up to the Tessanine they controversy, and Tess greets them by asking them what it’s like to have Craig and Len arguing over them. Yes, this must be such a novel turn of events for them. Harry gamely replies that it’s hilarious.

It sure is. He says that he loved feeling the passion, and it was his favourite dance so far. But obviously he does very much respect Len’s opinion, he just wants to make that clear. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, after all (so middle class). Tess starts fanning her self about his guns

oh good, scores are in

37. Please to remember that Len gave Lisa Snowdon flapping around like a dying Daddy Long Legs a 10 for this dance.

Grayson Donobot & Kristina Rihanoff dancing the Viennese Waltz

Bruce tells us all that Jason Donovan will be the second-most famous Australian OF ALL TIME to dance the Viennese Waltz. Who is the first I hear you cry? The answer is surely obvious.

Damn right. Bruce disagrees with me, and says that the answer is in fact Waltzing Matilda. Kristina Joke-Face?

Needs work.

VT time now, and Jason tells us he really liked the rumba. He really did. There was some really lovely stuff in there. But then Alesha and Bruno said they didn’t like it and

all the colour drained from his world, and it became cold and grey. So now he knows how some of the rest of us feel during his segments. Still, as Kristina runs off screaming and crying and stabbing, Jason still has time for a cheery “you win some, you lose some!” to camera

very much in the style of Buffy’s psychoticly cheery robot stepfather. Nobody look in any of Jason’s cupboards…

How does Jason intend to win this next one?

By haunting my nightmares forever, peering in through my window speaking in an Austrian accent. “KVISTINA, I AM VEDDY FOR ZE DANCING! *STAB STAB STAB*”. ZE DANCING in qve…sorry, question, being the Viennese Waltz. Hence the accent. I hope. Jason says that he’s finding Viennese Waltz more difficult than he expected. Can you guess why? That’s right, it’s all the spinning! So Kristina has come up with a solution.

She borrowed it from Flavia. I hope she wiped it down first. Jason enters the contraption and the cameraman asks him how he feels. He says he feels like he is trapped in something round that is about to spin him round. Soul of a poet. Anyway, he spins round and round and protests that he wants to vomit, until Kristina stops. I think the gyroscope may actually have served as an accidental training on dance faces rather than dizziness, as he produced more appropriate ones in there than he has on the floor thus far. Oh and

for no reason, here’s JENNIFER GREY ag…oh, no wait it’s Kylie. She’s got a message for Jason. “Hi Jason, I’ve really enjoyed being told by my publicist what you’re doing on Strictly. Please forward me that £20 you owe me, I haven’t forgotten. Whilst you’re there can you put in a good word for Dannii? Maybe get her a judging job? She’s cluttering up the house and now she’s taught the baby to head-butt whenever anyone says the word “Sharon”, she’s not really got much to do. She promises not to be any worse than Len is. LOVE YA!”

To the dance-floor now and time for a game of

GUESS THAT DANCE-STORY!

Sorry, you are wrong, they are acting out the plot to the film City Of Angels, minus the bit where Meg Ryan gets twatted by a bus…

maybe. Because they are dancing to “Iris” by The Goo Goo Dolls or Hootie & The Blowfish or Marcy’s Playground or one of those bands. As a dance it’s not bad, although it does rather plunge and shoot up where it should rise and fall, and his arm line seems to be following that of Nemesis at Alton Towers. They’re doing a lot of emoting and acting, which is fair enough, if a bit wanky

as indicated by Kristina’s choice of arm-hankies, under the Sacred Hanky Code. Very nice fleckerl, decent clip to the whole thing,

this goes INCREDIBLY out of control (but such are Kirstina’s boobs) and

oh god the SERIAL KILLER FACE IS BACK AGAIN. LOOK OUT KRISTINA!

Up on the Tessanine,

James would very much like you to know he’s doing a thing.

Over to the judges they JUST WARNT YOU TER KNOW WHO AH AHHHM, and Len starts by praising his footwork, his lyricism, and his fleckerl…he liked it a lot! Look, I just got through Len without a (*fast forward*). Phew, maybe he’s calmed down! Thank you JESUS. Alesha also liked it, because it was dramatic and swept around the entire dancefloor. She really saw the connection between the two of them tonight.

LOOK! THERE IT IS!

Bruno follows up with classic Strictly “what a comeback! You’re back in the zone tonight! Jason is back!” comments that really praise Jason’s understanding of the choreography he was given and really

please Kristina, in the manner of a 14 year old at a Take That concert who just got winked at by Mark. Sadly Craig doesn’t like it, particularly the crappy arms. He thought it was bad ballroom, a revelation that spins Kristina into being

that same 14 year old who just realised that Mark winks at EVERYBODY. Len then starts yelling at Craig over judging him on something SO INSIGNIFICANT (*defeated, weary, fast-forward*).

PS Len, don’t be ragging on somebody else for judging based on something insignificant when you just criticised Harry solely for not giving you a boner (*z-snap*). Alesha tells the boys to calm down, like the den-mother she is slowly being forced to become and then Jason starts

flapping around yelling “IS THAT IT? IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT?”.

Hmm.

Up to the Tessanine they WHENN EVERYTHINS MED TO BE BRO-KEN, where Tess runs through standard Strictly “looks like you’ve got your mojo back” post-bloke rumba comments and Jason

drones everyone into a coma about how he tried to make it light and flow-y and better than the dress rehearsal which he found rather heavy but hey sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t and that’s just the nature of the competition right? Tess derails this train of tedium by getting everyone to give Jason a big cheer, then asking him if he’s looking forward to Wembley, being a performer and all?

It appears he’s practicing his Safety Sex-Face of Celebration already. He says that Wembley is large and he is greatful he has got this far and everyone is fabulous and the cast is amazing this year and OH MY GOD READ OUT THE BLOODY SCORES ALREADY –

35. THANK YOU.

You will be sad to hear that at this point that, as they cut out that whole stupid turd of a Wembley joke VT out of the iPlayer showing, I am unable to recap it. Oh. No.

That one who Jennifer Grey said was a bit like her last week for some reason I think because she’s quite young or something? and OH MY GOD, SEXIER THAN EVER, IT’S PASHA KOVALEV!

One week I will use her name and it will be symbolic of her BECOMING A WOMAN IN HER OWN RIGHT and it will still be less patronising than the story-arc the actual show has carved into stone for her. Speaking of which Bruce gurns that Chelsee is dancing the foxtrot, so she has to be a lady. Doesn’t she have to be a lady most weeks? Has she been dancing the bloke’s part all along? IS THIS HOW THEY’RE SNEAKING FAGGY SAME-SEX DANCING IN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR (OOH, PARDON!!) SHAME ON YOU PINKO LEFTIE STALINST POOVERY-OBSESSED BBC!

Oh no, wait, it means she’ll have to perform some pantomime travesty of 1920s etiquette. Well that’s much better. Apparently she has been in training to be a lady, and it’s working, because Bruce saw her drinking Stout (…no he didn’t) and she held out her little finger out at him, just so.

Erm…I don’t think that’s anything to do with etiquette Bruce. (Poor Wilnelia). Not coincidentally, I am holding my middle finger out for this entire segment, just so.

VT time now, and Chelsee says that, in her time on Strictly, she’s learnt exactly how much effort she needs to put in in order to produce a great dance on the night. Per Strictly rules – 30 minutes. Any more than that and it goes to shit.

In training, Pasha explains to us all that foxtrot is fast, precise, and most of all, sophisticated,

as he does birdy arms at Chelsee and prepares to swing her between his legs into a piano. All of this is a problem with Chelsee, as she is a wild creature who was delivered to Television Centre in a cage 5 seconds before the Live Show started. They’ve just got her allowing them to kill her food before she eats it, and now it’s time to take the next step! Pasha tells us about a typical day in the life of Chelsee, where she does a wild dance, laughs uncontrollably, then gives a little

snort.

This differentiates it from a typical day in the life of Bruno, where the little snort comes at the beginning. Apparently Chelsee is just like Eliza Doolittle (ugh, what could be worse? Pixie Lott?) and they need to turn her into real lady.

VIA A COMEDY VT! Chelsee re-enacts My Fair Lady and it’s almost worth it for that hat/miniature canoe. Also the idea of Pasha teaching anybody RP. Also Pasha

having this face. Dancing anyone?

Nothing says “classy” like “bird sat on a piano” does it? The entire pinnacle of Western culture being Later with Jools Holland. Pasha, bless him, is actually miming along the actual notes to the song, which I don’t know the title of, but I know it’s by Alisha Keys, and I know sounds like that song by Bruno Mars about how I am amazing just the way I am, but EVEN MORE MAWKISH. In doing this, he’s doing better than the singer, who is butchering the entire song down a back-alley at midnight with a rusty butter-knife.

As the official Strictly Dance Of Boring goes, it’s not bad. There’s a nice flow and performance element to it, although looking down at her feet it’s clear that she’s just jamming them around any old how to get her to where she wants to go most of the time. I do not envy Pasha’s chiropractor, let’s put it that way. (No, I actually don’t, not even in that way). She has lovely moments of elegance

counter-acted by a bit where she hops up and down on one leg like she’s got a bit of loo paper stuck to her foot. At first I thought it was a wardrobe malfunction, but apparently she’s still that unsteady in heels. I repeat, GET THIS GIRL TO A DRAG QUEEN. Especially after Russell was so disobliging this week in that department.

Also?

WHEEEEEEE! Those “Being A Lady” lessons really paid off didn’t they? I haven’t had any, so I would have tried to swing through there via an entirely different method of leverage. Ahem.

THE END.

No Standing Ovation (and I don’t think Jason got one either, stingy gets), and once they arrive at Bruce he asks her if she had a cushion to slide on. Oh Bruce, if she’d needed a cushion she would have slid on her front. Chelsee “jokes” that she’s hurt her back and sends Bruce into a flat-spin panic like they call the entire cast of the Flying Doctors out every time some twinges.

Alesha starts for the judges, by calling her graceful with wonderful arm placement, and great control (?) and tells her that she is now the one to beat. Also tonight she TRULY IS A LADY. Bruno follows my calling her “My Fair Chelsee”, and Len said that he never expected her to be able to dance with this much elegance because she’s clearly a ri(*fast forward*). I feel they may be developing a theme. Craig says he ticks all her boxes, but she was hopping around like a mad’un on that last turn there. Quite.

Up to the Tessanine they Alicia Out-Of-Keys (LOL), where Tess greets her by asking her disbelievingly if she’s ever been called sophisticated before.

I’m with Flavia. Chelsee does a quick Eliza Doolittle impersonation that makes Pasha laugh

harder than a human being has a right to without rupturing an internal organ. Tess asks her a question she doesn’t hear so she just says “yeah, sure, exactly”. See? She’s getting the hang of it. Pasha calls her a real little princess, but mercifully we get the scores in before he starts to annoy me as well with this storylining nonsense –

36. Such a nonsense 10, but worth it for the faces.

Team Dobbin dancing the Argentine Tango

The amount of crap hats in this series are even more of a slap in Katya’s face than her 13th place finish aren’t they? Bruce tells us all that, as 62, Anita is the oldest person left in the competition. Is this now that Anton’s gone?

VT time, and we’re reminded that Jennifer Grey told Anita that, post-Charleston, she now understood why Anita Dobson is considered a National Treasure. Because I’m sure she spent so much time wondering about it before. Anita gushes that she hopes to become a GLOBAL TREASURE, should such a thing exist, which it does not. Unless you count Angela Lansbury. Is there anybody in the world who does not love Angela Lansbury? I can’t believe so. Please do not disabuse me of this ideal in the comments, otherwise it will break my heart.

Training now, and they’re practicing for their Argentine Tango, which they’re having trouble with. Because, whilst the dance is one of seduction, sensuality and seriousness, Bobby and Neets just can’t stop having FUN

FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN (*twitch*) FUNNITY FUN FUN BEST TIME OF MY LIFE FUN! Never mind that they just did a Horror based tango two weeks ago, no, ignore that, Anita is incapable of doing anything with a straight face. Definitely. We have to get her to stop laughing. Somehow. How to do this?

A STRICTLY COMEDY VT!

Yeah, that should do it. Personally I don’t envision laughing ever again. And what has Dave Lee Travis got to do with Anita Dobson anyway?

To the floor and

always nice when a dance starts from the same angle as a gynae exam. Still, cracking gams etc etc. They’re dancing their Argentine Tango to “Tango” from Cirque du Soleil, which I only know because I’m currently re-watching So You Think You Can Dance 4 where it was just used for another not very good tango that was also praised heavily by the judges and which also wound up in the bottom 2.

(Sidebar : My actual favourite thing about this episode (the very first live show of the series) of So You Think You Can Dance is that if features a live performance by Nicole Shitsinger and the Pussycat Dolls. This is my favourite thing because the very LAST live show of the previous series (DANNY WUZZ ROBBED) featured Nicole trying to launch her solo career. LOL).

Ahem, anyway, Anita. And her Argentine Tango. As you can see

both she and Robin are rather taken by her shoes. This is the take-home message I’m getting. Other than that it’s all a bit…queasy I guess. The grinding music, the rather sea-sick nature of her movement, the deliberately grotesque faces, the constant lunging and heaving and hurling… There’s real feeling to it, just a lot of groping and pawing and

this, as an end-pose, summarises my problems with the whole thing I guess. It’s not a cartoon, dear. I guess at least Robin didn’t powerbomb her through the chair like he did Patsy Kensit.

It gets a Standing Ovation, which I guess tells you all you need to know about how well those correlate with the wider public. Maybe they’re worried that

Billy Connolly will start playing his drums at them or whatever he does in The Queen. He’s no Harry McFlea, that’s for sure.

Bruno starts for the judges

sounding like someone just started his colonic there and then. He proclaims that that was Anita UNLEASHING her Basic Instinct. Pfft, I think we all know that to unleash a tango you need heavy duty Flavia bonadge gear. Maybe a gimp mask. Also…more like Basic Instinct 2. Craig sadly is less enthusiastic, complaining that he didn’t think she was really responding to Robin’s lead and her gun shows were rubbish. Nice spinning though.

Len follows by

basically just making sex noises at her and making passive-aggressive comparisons to Harry’s dance with regards to intensity. (*fast-forward*)

Alesha closes by saying that Anita still needs to work on strengthening her body, but overall she loved the intensity and the mood she created. As I said, it had me reaching for the Rennies but…to each their own.

Up to the Tessnaine they Risk Addiction, and Tess greets them by spouting Bruno’s comments back at her and marvelling that they’ve found a dance that can wipe the smile off her face.

Sadly not, it seems. I wonder what Harry’s thinking. Maybe he’s wondering if he should have worn red high-heels for Len? Scores are in –

33.

Holly, Sue & Brenda Too! dancing the rumba

Wait a minute! That’s not Artem! What could the reasoning behind this be?! Bruce holds our hands and explains to us that something very bad happened to Artem, and now he is dead, as we may all have heard. Not enough! Not with enough footage! Not nearly enough! Anyway, as Strictly goes, another pro stepped into the breach. As Ian once stepped in for Brenda when his dad died, so Brenda now stands in for Artem as his spine collapsed like Anita on Results Day for the rest of the series. Maybe one day Artem can return the favour for Ian and replace him when he is inj…OH NO WAIT HE CAN’T BECAUSE THEY BINNED IAN OFF IN FAVOUR OF SODDIN’ JARHEAD.

(Neva 4get)

VT time now and

THANK YOU! Finally! I had to wait a whole week for it, but finally they deliver an Injury Porn Montage worthy of the Chigvintsev name. Two minor issues – he didn’t cry once, and secondly, there’s no reason for him to be wearing a shirt whilst lying down. I know the sequel was doomed to never be as amazing as the original, just like the Charlie’s Angels movies, but you could have gone the extra mile. Nice work with the SHOES OF SADNESS though. Anyway, yes, Artem had a big owie but “was all Russian about it” (*per Holly*) and carried her to second on the leaderboard. HOORAY! And now he is crippled for life.

Training and

oh, what is a poor abandoned damsel to do? Hang around in the park picking at leaves until her

shite in nylon armour rides up, straight from the castle of Hamalot.

YOU RANG?!

No Dr Hammie. I did not.

Yes, it’s Brenda Cole, riding up on a white horse, ready to answer Holly’s prayers and dance with her in the rumba this week. Brenda’s “Arthurian” acting is quite something by the way. He sounds like the Werther’s grand-dad. He just wants Holly to know that she’s someone very special too. (It’s alright Brenda she does, and she’s got the helicopter to prove it. And the sports-car. And the island).

After a bit of training, Brenda says that he’s really impressed with how Holly’s adapting to having a new partner, as it can’t be easy spending weeks getting to know a partner and then having some new guy just SWOOP IN and replace him. Fortunately, Artem is still a

constant presence in their lives, as they’ll still be dancing to his choreography. Everyone acts like one big happy family, which is probably helped by the fact that Holly just sees all these people as “staff” anyway.

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Jeez, who died?

OMG ARTEM IS ONLY IN HIS GRAVE 5 MINUTE AND YOU’RE ALREADY MOVING ON, YOU SLUT! It never would have been like this with Kara. If Artem’s shoulder owie had been worse and they’d tried to make HER jive with Brenda the week after Blackpool, she would have hurled herself under the nearest Gavin and been crushed to death rather than let herself be enjoined to another. Bloody Aussies. They’re dancing to “Leave Right Now” by Will Young so I’m singing “CHICKEN TIKKA PLEASE RIGHT NOW!” the whole way through, as is my wont.

Anyway, the whole point of this dance is to make everyone argue about whether Holly goes better with Brenda than she does with Artem. And, much as I like Artem, I have to side with those saying she does. Partly because there’s more on-floor chemistry from her to him (him and her not so much, as Brenda is mostly dancing with his arse, as he always does when he’s phoning it in with someone’s else’s choreography), and partly because Artem and Holly never did this :

and that’s just funny.

Still, it’s only one dance. And the rumba was always going to suit her more than anything that required her to really shake her arse. Maybe they’ll suck at whatever they’re doing next week. As it is she’s connecting with the dance and flowing everything in a quite nice fashion. She gets her legs in a horrible tangle in a drag along the floor at the end, which results in my favourite adjustment of a dress malfunction EVER.

Liz Brewer would be APPALLED.

THE END!

Nice claw there, Lindsey Lobster-Hands. Holly giggles to Brenda about how she got her shoe caught in her dress (you and everyone else dear) as they walk over to Bruce without a standing ovation. Craig starts for the judging, whining “I thought we’d got rid of you Brenda”. I’m guessing that was the aim when they partnered him with Bloody Lulu yes.

Still, Craig somehow finds himself glad that Brendan is still here, as he personally is loving this new partnership. He thinks it’s really helped Holly. Up on the Tessanine Artem is all

“erm? stood right here? AW-KWARD!”. Len spends his entire comment whining about how it didn’t give him a boner AGAIN (*Fast-forward*)

Alesha follows, saying that given that she’s had to change partners this week, she’s done exceptionally well. Alesha cannot even imagine what that must be like. For once, having BEEN HERE AND DONE THIS fails her. Instead she just praises Holly on mastering the basic rumba steps and expressing herself through her performance. Well where’s the point in THAT? Can’t you at least mention how you messed up in your paso again? Bruno closes by

doing a 999 Lifesavers style reconstruction of the exact moment that Artem injured his back. It’s harrowing. Don’t have nightmares children. Oh and well done Holly for being so movey in the dance thing.

Up to the Tessanine they leave right now (after Bruce jokes that he volunteered to partner with her in Artem’s absence and Holly gives him yet another “LOL that’s nice” face) and we are greeted with this

amazing scene. Are Showdance Threesomes allowed? Got to be better than a dinky bucket of glitter or a flat-cap hip-hop or whatever it was Dr Hamela did. Who even remembers? Holly gurgles about what a lucky girl she is to have two pros teaching her, and screw the showdance, I want her to buy up every male pro as they’re eliminated and create Holly’s Dance Troupe, to carry her IN GLORY to the final. Screw that whole “partner-dance” thing. Scores are in – 34

Now Even More A Mark Of The End Of The Show Approaching Than “KEEP DANCING!” dancing the American Smooth

Apparently Bruce heard that Flavia discussing with Russell whether his dances needed to be more masculine. Poor Bruce and his mis-hearing. He actually heard Flavia ordering more mescaline. Those dances don’t inspire themselves you know.

VT time now, and we’re reminded of Russell straddling a mechanical bull last week and doing a bit of paso afterwards. Russell says that the judges can score him whatever they like, it’s not going to stop him going out there and being Mr Showbiz. I thought he was supposed to be Sergei (LOL, SERGAY BECAUSE HE IS GAY LIKE A GAY PERSON!). These dance-characters are getting more and more difficult to keep track of every week.

Training now and we learn that

one of those rugby players left their top round at Russell’s house last weekend. So careless. Hope he didn’t forget his car-keys. Anyway that there is Russell telling us that he loves the American Smooth so much that it makes him feel like bursting into

a cheap early 90s CBBC kids sci-fi adventure drama. To each their own I guess. Flavia explains that Russell loves the song they’re dancing to (“I Am A Big Ham”) so much that he sometimes forgets to keep track of what his feet are doing. Don’t worry Flavia, literally NOBODY is looking at his feet.

To the dance-floor and

it’s like Anne Robinson is here LIVE IN PERSON isn’t it? The band strikes up, Billy Connolly looks even more bored than usual, Tom sets fire to Danny’s pubes, Russell minces skitterishly forward, and we begin the dance with a healthy round of

back-bongos.

From there, the real problem with the dance is, sadly that there is a giant whacking great screen set up in the corner for a show-stopping costume change,

and it’s hard to focus on anything else for the 60 seconds or so til it gets used, and then sadly, the gun in the first act

turns out to be a water pistol in the third. He put a sparkly jacket on? Big deal. He could have come out wearing that and nobody would have batted an eye-lid. Also gold under those lights looks a bit green, so he…kind of looks like he’s come as Slimer from Ghostbusters two weeks late for Hallowe’en. But there we are.

Flavia can’t choreograph a comedy miracle every week. Maybe she just put in a bit of a limp one so she doesn’t NECESSARILY become the Lady Anton moving forwards. It gets a standing ovation, and I feel like that sentence is doomed to be followed by “…and so did Anita’s Argentine Tango” forevermore. Alesha and Bruno join in and Nancy

informs her gentleman companion that she could have done that dance easy, but of course she would have emerged naked from behind the screen at the finish. Now THERE’S an ending?

Len’s comments get a (*fast forward*) regardless, just because I can, Alesha cackles that she wants to live inside Russell’s brain, Bruno makes the world’s most obvious “he came OUT OF THE CLOSET!” joke, and Craig finishes by saying “IMMORTAL!” which…yes, it felt like it was Never. Going. To. Die.

Up to the Tessanine they are what they are, where Tess greets them by saying “one word – wow!”. Sadly this is a lie, and she continues to speak. Everyone cheers and woops their love for Russell, apart from

Artem’s leg, which hovers grimly over everything like Banquo’s Ghost. It even overshadows Russell’s announcement that if he gets to Wembley he’s going to show everyone his big entrance (OOOH PARDON!). Scores are in – 26

And…until Wembley is filled with salsambas and tangos, that is all the performance we have.