The Apprentice 6 – Week 7

Oh Stubags

6am now, and

the little blue lights on the top of this building serve to inform the general public that levels of atmospheric idiocy are rising, as the Potential Apprentices are rising from their slumbers (apart from Stella, who never sleeps). In the Apprentice Bates Motel,

Laura picks up the next point in Phone Answering Wars, which really confirms to me that nobody’s putting the effort in. Surely someone should have two points by now? It’s like they’re not even trying. THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT PRIZE AT STAKE HERE PEOPLE! Cousin It tells Laura that Lordalan wants them at Pinewood Studios and he wants them there NAH (in 30 minutes plus travel time). Laura jogs around informing everyone the details and they scurry to get ready as Stubags gets perilously close to

unleashing his masculinity on an unsuspecting world. When she gets to Sandeesh, who is currently possessed by some sort of

J-Horror spirit that dwells within the spooky walls of the Apprentice Bates Motel, Laura admits that she’s never heard of Pinewood Studios. And here she is wanting to work in television and everything! I mean…being Lordalan’s Apprentice. Definitely. Sandeesh assures her that it’s a furniture store, and Laura whimpers back asking Sandeesh if she thinks they’re making furniture this week. If only. I’d love to see Laura get her hands on a lathe. She’d be crying in the corridor 5 minutes later saying “IT’S TEASING ME, I CAN’T STAND IT!”

Meanwhile downstairs, in a kitchen right out of a haunted submarine movie, an off-camera Stella (winner in five tasks and counting) asks Chris exactly how many tasks he’s won. He replies

“two” and grumbles into his glass of water. Christopher cracks wise that Chris spends more time in the Boardroom than Lordalan, a ho ho ho. To be fair he’s only been in the final boardroom 1 time out of 4 losing efforts, unlike Sandeesh, who’s been there for 3 out of 4, but I guess picking on a girl is less soliderly.

Into the Apprenticars everyone files, to drive 20 miles outside London (I hope they packed their protective clothing) to

“England’s Dream Factory”, Pinewood Studios. If it’s not Deal or No Deal, I’m not interested in no Dream Factory. Unless the task is actually to manufacture dreams, in which case I’m in, apart from Laura’s where she’s eating ice-cream on the back of a pony and all the other candidates are combing her hair. As they drive up, Christopher gets very excited over a big sign saying that

James Bond was filmed there (try to look surprised, go on, I DARE you).

Meanwhile Sandeesh, radiating a look of pure “oh dear, I appear to have said something idiotic” says “oh…it appears to be quite a famous studio or something”. Don’t stop believing Sandeesh, it still COULD turn out to be a giant furniture warehouse. Helpful Voiceover Man informs us that dominating the backlot is a huge blue screen

aka “where true creativity goes to die”. The teams rock up to it, and sadly so does Lordalan. I was kind of hoping he’d appear on the giant screen as a Na’avi. Incidentally,

Stubags is cold. Poor thing. Probably should have brought a scarf. Lordalan yells “GOOD MORNING!” across the

needlessly huge gap between him and the teams, and they scream “GOOD MORNING!” back. By week 10, he’s not going to bother having them come out to the location, he’s just going to scream instructions at them through a loud-hailer from half a town away. He welcomes them to “the home of British film-making”. Hey Nick, what do you think of British film-making?

Well I’m glad that we can agree on something. Some of the country’s most successful films, like “Harry Potter & James Bond” were made here. I’d prefer “Harry Potter vs James Bond” myself, but beggars can’t be choosers. I also love the implication that all James Bond films are inherently the same one. BECAUSE THEY ARE, whether you call them “Picosecond Of Jizz” or not. He informs the teams that they are in the presence of the “biggest blue screen in Europe”, except the one that Nick watches his DVDs on EH NICK, EH NICK? *NUDGE NUDGE WINK WINK*, and if you put someone in front of that screen you can transport them anywhere in the world. Stella

barely restrains herself from javellining Stubags into it to try to transport him to Bora Bora. Anyway the task this week, after that build-up, is to do the photography task from Series 4, but with a video, and the enticement of blue-screen rather than a celebrity look-a-like or cheap plastic Elizabeth Duke jewellery. Knock yourselves out. Liz Locke looks

terrifyingly pleased, almost as if being in a film has been her aim all along or something.

Teams will go to Westfield and set up a stall, and sell to the public the concept of going to the moon, or sailing a yacht, or being an endoscope, or being in the Boardroom with Lordalan (that’d totally be my idea incidentally. I’m so meta like that), whatever, as long as it’s on the list of five things you can do that the candidates are always given before tasks like this. There then follows an incredibly exciting team mix-up, with Sandeesh, Chris, Stella and Joanna all switching teams for one magical evening. Stubags is made Project Manager for Apollo

(it begins…) and Sandeesh is now being allowed to run Synergy.

Candidates flee to their respective HQ, and Synergy decide to watch a DVD from the company behind the blue-screen technology

but sadly it’s got mixed up with one of Nick’s more outre selections.

Disturbing. Of course Jamie is unnerved, because his wife buys all his porn for him and she’s never brought home anything like this. Everyone watches a selection of underwater rollercoaster on the moon footage, and Helpful Voiceover Man informs us that they are allowed to select one of these archive reels as their base product, and then shoot one of their own. Jamie is particularly enthused by the video where you can

pretend you’re at a Sinitta concert. The kids will LOVE IT! Both teams view the stock footage, although about 2 minutes in Stubags proclaims that

he can’t be arsed with this, just pick one at random and move on. And I have to say this is when I knew the Redemption Arc was turning into a Redemption Squiggle because seriously, the whole “ostentatiously looking at your watch” gesture is a twat’s gambit in the first place. To do it WITHOUT ACTUALLY LOOKING AT YOUR WATCH? Unless he is actually expecting a falcon to land there.

Joanna then says this is all new to her and she needs to watch it a bit more to understand it, and Stubags says that he doesn’t care, he understands it, it’s dead obvious. Shrug. Nick then officially sets a new record for

“Nick desperately tries to get his stupid gurning sneering face into every shot possible” record. I swear I have not Photoshopped that.

Stubags then gets on the phone to the blue-screen providers and asks if he can reserve some archive footage. Whilst on the

phone-thing with them, he asks his team to vote, because deciding what you want before you ask for it is for LAMES. His amazing management style and Laura’s amazing teamwork skills then clash thrillingly head on, as Stella and Joanna announce they want waterskiing, then Stubags says “hands up for waterskiing!” then full on

YELLS “HANDS UP FOR WATER-SKIING LAURA!”, following which Laura half-heartedly puts her hand up like a child, in a

not really but ok sense, then Chris yells “YES OR NO! THAT’S HALF-UP!” then Laura huffs “I wanted police chase”, then Stubags yells “WELL SAY THAT THEN!”.

We then get treated to a full on

twatterview with Stubags, where he says that the only place he fits within a team naturally is at the very top (“I don’t work well AT ALL with others Lordalan, please hire me!”). Back in the room he announces that he thinks that the team made a good decision there, under a lot of pressure. All of which he was creating.

Meanwhile, over on Synergy, Sandeesh suggests that they go with an underwater scene for their stock-footage, and then Liz is all “yeah right Velma, we’re going for motor-bikes”. In a

blinkterview Sandeesh says that she was really annoyed and hurt when Lordalan said that she appeared to be doing naff all, and she vowed to do better, like she isn’t about to turn in literally the least memorable PM’ing job in the show’s entire history. Sandeesh suggests the underwater scene AGAIN, Liz shuts her down AGAIN

, and we’re going with motor-bikes vs jet-skies. WHICH WILL WIN?!

Now to decide what’s going on the other reel – the one the team’s shoot themselves. Jamie announces that he can’t imagine that

he and his wife would buy any shit like this, but parents with kids will probably do it, so let’s go for the experience that every child longs to have – SKIING! Yeah, OK Jamie. Why not have a three-for-one set of skiing, then a night out at some experimental fringe theatre, and then a wine-tasting. Aspirational! Sandeesh for some reason agrees, and then Jamie bores on forever

about his exciting skiing experiences until Kaen slips into a coma

and some poor Production Assistant has to sneak in and hold her head up.

Meanwhile, over on Apollo, another boy is enthusing about his toys, and saying that he wants to target the affluent 20 and 30somethings who go to Westfield with a motor-racing experience. Because it’s “aspirational”.

Stubags, there is sweet naff all “aspirational” about a 30-something being sat in a plastic toy car in Westfields pretending to drive around a race-car track so he can take the tape home and masturbate to it and pretend he’s Fernando Alonso. NOTHING. Nobody aspires to that, not even you, if you really think about it. Joanna says she likes the idea of the fair, because everybody loves the fair, and you can pull in both children and adults, and Stubags just dismisses her out of hand, because they aren’t targeting dumb little kids (and in fairness to Stubags “the fair” I think is actually the worst idea that’s mooted all episode).

Stubags then turns to Stella

and tells her she’s being quite quiet (for the past month), does she have any input? Stella says that there are other things that need to be considered before making decisions, Stubags replies that there aren’t, he’s considered them, what’s her actual opinion?

Well that means war then. Stubags then says that they’re all being wooly, he’s going with motor-racing, if anyone disagrees they can stab his hands to the table so he can’t move, a call needs to be made AND HE’S MAKING IT, DAMNIT!

Nick then Nickterviews outside all

“Who IS he, where did you FIND him?”. Basically he makes Nick want to vomit.

11am now, and the teams are split, with half going off to film their own personalised reel, and the other half doing a crash-course on how to work the DVD manufacturing software and

cameras. The Apollo A-Team of Sandeesh and Liz watch Chris doing Bollywood dancing for about half an hour

and I’ve never seen anything more fillerific in my life. Like, it’s one of those scenes set up to make the contestants look like twats for no real reason in case the edit runs short, which is surely entirely unnecessary in this Week of Stubaggs Madness? In fact it’s so pointless that it temporarily knocked me out on first viewing for an important bit of information – Liz gleaning (with Sandeesh and Chris present), that they’ll only be able to churn out 4 DVDs maximum per hour on the task-designated laptop. So there we are.

Meanwhile, the Synergy A-Team (Stubags and Laura) are arriving at

Brands Hatch, the “legendary Formula One (until 1986, and only 50% of the time before then) racetrack” just as

some kids are racing their Happy Meal toys around. Ironically, if he weren’t married to Katy Perry, “Brands Hatch” would be the only context I’d anticipate hearing about Laura in post-show. Once there, they meet with this week’s Incidental Character Boyfriend

Oliver the Brands Hatch Car Maker Goer Man. Laura says that they’re really hoping to film “an experience” at Brands Hatch, but Stubags really knows more about cars than her, so she’ll let him take the lead, leading to the following conversation :

Stubaggs : So how big’s your penis then?
Oliver : It’s about 7.5 inches.
Stubaggs : Oooh, I’ve got an 8 inch one at home
Oliver : You’ve blatantly got a 5 incher with like a dent in it and a funny colour and it smells of milk
Stubaggs : I haven’t! I’d show you, but I’m getting it cleaned!
Oliver : Whatever, let’s just go for a ride on mine

You know, but using more technical car terminology than I’m familiar with.

Stubags then nobterviews

that he’s having to reign in his extreme masculinity for this task. Oh don’t bother Stubags, unleash it, I’m sure we could all do with a laugh. He lives on adrenaline, and needs his heart to be racing all the time. Hang on, is he Crank 3? Did Jason Statham get bored? Instead of doing hookers on hospital trolleys and snorting coke off their tits are we having “go on Apprentice, drive about a bit”? THRILL A MINUTE! Is him carrying the DVDs from the back-office to the front Transporter 4? Why be boring, that’s for OTHER people, like STELLA. *poop poop* *crashes car* *flees dresses as washerwoman*

So out on the track they go, Stubags having begged to be allowed to drive the car, as Laura wanders around bored, as he tells her to get out his way lest he drive his sports car right up her fanny. Then he drives round and round Brands Hatch for the next millennium.

At the same time on the Apollo B-Team, Stella and Joanna are trying to come up with a marketing scheme that’ll encompass both water-skies and motorcars. Stella suggests “Ride Of Your Life”, and then she and Joanna have a good

giggle cause it sounds a bit rude. Meanwhile

AIEE, NO, PUT IT AWAY, THE RAW MASCULINITY IS TOO MUCH! IT’S TURNING ME STRRRRRAIIIIIGHHHHHHHTTTTTTT! Stella and Joanna ring up to find out what’s going on on the other team, Laura picks up and says “what do you think’s going on? Stubags is driving around like Mr Toad : The Management Consultant Years, ring back later”

Quite. Or as Joanna succinctly puts it “is he taking the piss?”.

Over on Synergy, Christopher and Jamie are arriving at

an indoor ski-slope in Milton Keynes, to film their skiing adventure. Christopher giggles that he was thinking more “South of France” than “South Milton Keynes” as though that wasn’t actually one of the things they should have considered when mooting the idea – whether you can actually film an exotic, aspirational skiing experience in the South-East of England. Once inside, Jamie commandeers the staff and outlines his idea to them, and then suggests they all go and “get their ski-legs” (*boke*) and then commence.

After a little bit of filming, Christopher complains that the footage they’re getting is too “adult-orientated” (what, is Jamie licking the ski-lift on his way up a la Dumb & Dumber, BUT SEXUAL) so maybe they should make it more wacky n fun for the kids! The result being

Jamie in a Penguin Suit. So Jamie tits around in the Penguin Suit a bit, and then brags about how this is his vision, and he’s making it exciting.

Is this exciting? I feel like I’m watching regional news footage. On a slow day. In 1989. In THE NORTH.

Having finishes his little drive around, Stubags has come to a decision. They’re actually going to market this to kids after all,

having realised that the only adult likely to buy this for himself is Alex Epstein, and his ready cash is a bit low currently. He congratulates Joanna and Stella on realising this earlier than he did, and then hangs up. Joanna and Stella naturally then go ape-patootie over how they’ve spent all day trying to make this concept sound appealing to people over the mental age of 3. She finishes by saying that she doesn’t even think they should be ringing up to get his input, given that he’s an idiot and all, so she’s going to make all the decisions herself.

5pm now, and the teams are out buying props. Sandeesh orders Jamie and Christopher to buy hats, poles, scarves, and gloves for people to wear on the video. Christopher’s all

“worrabout bikinis? The birds can all wear bikinis, cept the mingers! It’d be dead funny in the snow and that!”. Meanwhile Liz Locke continues trying out her

seductive pen chewing routine (I’m not judging – I am a pen chewer extraordinaire). At the same time, Joanna and Stella are hitting up Toys R Us, buying sweets to keep the kids happy whilst filming. Joanna then hits upon the idea of

hiring out a toy car for the day for the kids to sit in. It’s a Ferrari, so the boys will go mental for it. And it looks MARGINALLY too small for Stubags, although ti might be worth buying some “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” just in case he does try and gets himself wedged in there. Nick lurches in to ask Stella where Stubags is, them being best mates now they’re on their sixth task together. Stella says that

frankly she could care less. Probably still driving that stupid car around, honestly Nick, MEN.

Back with Synergy now, and Liz is working out the number of blank DVDs she wants to order, as Helpful Voiceover Man informs us that the total spent will be deducted from their overall total. She says that they’ve got 11 hours, and can do 8 per hour (I’m guessing they have 2 laptops), so the maximum number of DVDs they can burn is 88. Add some for wastage, throwing at the other team, and filming sex tapes with if they don’t win the job and need some extra cash, and round it up to 100. Sandeesh agrees, and they order 100 DVDs. I hate it when the scene upon which Lordalan thinks the entire task hinges is quite

this low-key.

Meanwhile over on Apollo, Stella and Joanna are waiting for

Stubags decision on how many DVDs to buy. He says 50, then 30, then Stella and Joanna chime “OK STUBAGS” and hang up. Stubags then turns to Laura and says he’s going to use his psychic powers to predict what Stella and Joanna are saying now. He thinks they’ll be going “HE CAN’T MAKE A DECISION!” in some sort of bizarre Yorkshire accent

,
and then decides to squeal “WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN IS, I CAN’T MAKE A DECISION, I NEED SPOON FEEDING, WHERE’S THE SPOOOOOON, GIVE ME SOME SPOOOOOOOOON!”

Unsurprisingly, this is not what Stella is saying, or meaning, at this point in time. More swears I would imagine for a start. We’re shown her saying “he makes a decision, then he changes it” but come on…you know that was the clean version.

Back on Synergy, Jamie announces that his vision is now encapsulated in DVD form, and gets everyone to look at it. They do, and bop around to the funky music playing in the background. Sandeesh then decides to drop her bomb, and announces that, despite having spent all day learning how to operate the backroom, none of her team are actually going to do it! Christopher and Jamie are going to do it instead, while she, Liz, and Chris all get to sell(/entice the children). SURPRISE!

Sandeesh asks Jamie what he thinks, and Jamie says “I think I’ll be wasted”. Well that’s not a very professional attitude to take. Also, Rottweiler Claire managed to bring down her entire team on purpose in the position she’s mooting for him (runner), and had a super-fun time doing so. Cheer up Jamie! Sandeesh says that, as Project Manager, she needs to be Front Of House the whole time, and Jamie mumbles into his hands a whole bunch.

Stubags meanwhile is unveiling his magnum opus

and Joanna’s thinking “could you not at least have worn a condom?”. Laura points out that Joanna and Stella are both basically sat there flicking V Signs at it with a greater frequency I do anything with Jack Whitehall on, and Joanna announces that she’s not really happy charging people £15 for a DVD of mostly Stubags’ happy face and maybe a bit of car occasionally. Stella urges her to just be quiet and go with the flow, but Joanna continues blithering and saying she just wants Stubags to make something clear. Stubags giggles that she’s been saying “make things clear” all day, and then Joanna replies that yes, she has, because he hasn’t been doing it. Stubags then announces that he’s got where he is today by making impulsive, logically impenetrable decisions, and he is succesful because all these decisions are right, ergo

everyone who disagrees with him on anything is a failure and a loser, so no wonder Joanna can’t share his vision. NECESSARY! Stella laughs into her finger. He asks Joanna if she has any other stupid niggling issues she needs to raise. Apparently she does not.

6am now, and Westfields, where the teams are setting up shop. Helpful Voiceover Man informs us that Westfields is the largest thing in Western Europe, with a potential 100,000 customers per day. On Synergy, Jamie is bossing everyone around as per usual, whilst over in the Apollo Backroom

they’re setting up their DVDs and computers. I so wish Lucinda had had to deal with technology on this level. She’d probably have wrapped herself in the blue screen like it was a dress, plugged herself into the mains and shorted out the entirety of Westfields whilst blithering “I can’t do anything, don’t expect me to do anything!” and the audience still would have called her unfairly marginalised. Stubags announces, mid Ferrari-shag

and my God he appears to actually have come as Clarkson himself, that he’s decided that Joanna is going to be selling and Stella in the backroom. He then asks Laura where she wants to go, and she says out on the sales floor. Stubags asks her if she’s sure she wants that responsibility. She says that she’s made herself clear. He then asks if she knows that she’s therefore responsible, with Joanna for all the sales on the task. She says yes. Stubags then asks if she knows that this means that, if they lose, due to lack of sales, he might bring back Joanna and herself into the boardroom (like he’s bringing back ANYBODY other than Stella and Joanna regardless of what happens?). At this point Joanna and Laura are full-on looking at Nick like “is this shit for real? Is he actually explaining to us, almost two “months” in, how this show works?”

Nick is none the wiser.

Stubags asks her ELEVEN MILLION MORE TIMES if she’s really happy with selling, and Laura keeps on saying “yes”. Really it is full on thisat this point.

Stubags then hilariously interviews that

if someone tells him where they want to be on a task (BECAUSE HE ASKED THEM TO) he’ll consider putting them there, within reason(!), because if they cock up, there’s nobody else to blame other than themselves, and they can’t arse-cover. He just HATES arse-covering.

What you mean the arse-covering of asking everyone what they want to do and just having them do it, rather than properly delegating, and then telling them AT LENGTH, UNNECESSARILY FOR HALF AN HOUR, that if they screw it up it’s all their fault and nothing to do with you guv’nor? That sort of arse-covering?

I think I love Redemption Wiggle Stubags even more than Redemption Arc Stubags.

10am now, and 10 hours to turn shoppers into STAHS says voice-over man. (Not 11 as Liz Locke stated earlier) So presumably Synergy are well into churning out those 88 DVDs they’re planning to sell? Well, no, Sandeesh is still explaining to Christopher where the on-button is. Joanna and Laura on the other hand, are selling great-guns.

In fairy wings. At some point, the price has been knocked down from £15 to £10. It also becomes rapidly apparent that Stubags has goosed the camera so hard with his car that

any child in the video becomes automatically see-through for a good 75% of it. Quality merchandise! Although

aw, bless. Laura informs the child’s mother that the DVD will be ready in about an hour, and she can just give the receipt to someone and pick it up then.

Stubags is apparently operating as runner on his team, and filters the orders back through to Stella and her

giant production sheet. Once back in the room, Stubags is in charge of watching the DVDs through to make sure they’ve come out right, whilst Stella is the one keeping track of what orders have to be ready when, and actually burning the DVDs. Stubags giggles at Stella and her giant sheet, saying they’re such opposites – he remembers everything in his head, and she writes everything down. He thinks this is “interesting” (/evidence of his obvious superiority). Stella says that her bosses have always drummed into her the need to write things down, and then there’s an obvious awkward silence of mutual loathing. YAY!

Meanwhile, over on Synergy, Jamie is

lecturing Sandeesh, as she’s on the way down to the sales floor, down the phone that if people from her subteam of yesterday were in the backroom, then they’d be started by now, instead of just stood around doing nothing, which they are. This is of course entirely true, and utterly the wrong time to bring it up. Sandeesh continues down to the sales floor, muttering words to this effect.

And so sales begin, with Chris “hrnnn”ing at some poor passer-by that he’s seen her eyeing up his experience, and she can believe her eyes, it is that damned good. Liz meanwhile

does this. None of this appears to be driving people to buy in any way. Jamie meanwhile, is standing around breathing through his mouth, glowering at everybody,

then huffs to camera that nobody’s selling anything, and they’re going to lose. Well, this is a morale boost. He then approaches Sandeesh and asks her if he can sell, she says she might change her mind on the designated roles later, but for now he’s just a runner, get over it. Jamie sighs and says “…ok”

and Sandeesh is all “don’t try that move on me, LOOK AT ME, do you think I am unfamiliar with that move? With these eyes? No.”. Jamie then decides to announce that he is the Best Saleswoman in Europe, and Sandeesh says that other people can sell well as well, Jamie replies that he feels like a spare part, and then the camera

cuts to Kaen, in the vain hope she might be pulling a stupid face like she was hired to do, and as usual, there’s nothing doing. Sandeesh tells Jamie to sod off and do as he’s told, so of course,

he doesn’t.

Back on Apollo now, and parents are starting to filter back to pick up their completed DVDs. Nick glowterviews that the sales force is performing very well, particularly Joanna, who is a right mother and no mistake, and thus knows how to talk to kids. She’s also come up with the idea of giving out medals for “beating” Stubags in the race, which the kids are very pleased with. Meanwhile

some girl don’t care for no raasclaat Nick *kisses teeth*.

Stubags creeps downstairs and tells the girls that sales are going well, so he wants to hike the price to £15. This done, some man who ordered his DVD an hour earlier at the price of £10 earlier comes back and is asked by Laura to stump up £15. He tells her repeatedly that he was sold the goods on the basis that they were £10, and Laura tries to cold-cock him all “well my manager told me” *fiddles with hair* until Joanna mutters to her to cut the crap and sells it to the man for £10. Laura whinges at her, and tells her that next time she’s pushing through with the £15 thing. Joanna points that this is kind of unprofessional, and Laura’s all “have you met me? I was about to start crying”

Up in the Synergy loft now, Christopher and Jamie are starting to get cabin fever due to the lack of orders, and Jamie has decided this lack of orders is down to the fact that everyone’s out there in suits, so he’s going to march on down and tell them all they should all be in funny costumes. Christopher mutters, sounding on the verge of death that they’re all old enough to make their own decisions dear, and Jamie’s all “not under my roof darling”, and stomps off.

Where he confronts Sandeesh, barking that they ALL NEED TO GET INTO COSTUMES NOW, THEY’VE ONLY HAD 8 SALES, AND THEY’RE ALL IN SUITS AND THAT’S WHY! Chris says that he doesn’t think it’s the suits, it’s the price, and then the whole group of them

very deliberately turn their body-language to shut Jamie out and agree that they’re going to lower the price to £8 and just ignore totally what Jamie just said. To be honest, they’re being very cliquey (to their own detriment), making (what’s presented as) poor decisions, and I’m coming close to thinking they did that solely to piss Jamie off and get him to go away, and it’s awful, but to be honest, two months in and I don’t care, solely because it’s Jamie and he needs to learn to keep his fingers out of every single pie in the shop.

The drop in price has a

immediate positive effect on sales, as it’s presented. Sandeesh interviews that cutting prices is a big decision, but she thinks she made it at the right time, and anything’s worth a go right? Like competence? At some point? Maybe?

Meanwhile, over on Apollo, the

uncollected DVDs are mounting up. Also, another problem arises, as it turns out that one woman’s DVD of her child has another child suddenly randomly popping up at the end. Joanna calls Stubags to get his input as Laura whines and pulls her hair. Stubags says to try to sell it to her at a discount, and if she’s not interested, lob it in the bin

Laura does so, and back in the room Stella says that they’re obviously distributing sub-standard DVDs and Stubags asks whose fault that is, to which Stella points out that he is supposed to be Quality Control. I hope he didn’t give himself that role, otherwise he won’t be able to cover his arse. Or something. I can’t quite knot myself into Stubags Logic fully.

Next up, Liz spots that Apollo have got a car on their stall and decides that

she wants one too. They can use their motorcycle archive footage, and basically just copy the other team. Hooray! Copying! Out goes “Jamie’s Ski Adventure”, in comes

Liz Locke (/Isadora Duncan)’s Vintage Car Adventure, with Sandeesh praising Liz for her ingenuity and amazing skills.

With 10 minutes to go, Stubags rings round to try to shift some of his surplus stock. Nobody really seems interested, so they all go in the bin, with parents effectively having got a 3 minute-fun session for their kids, and on tv, for free. Would it have hurt to put a deposit system in place? Really.

SELLING ENDS. RESULTS TIME!

Cousin It ushers the candidates into the boardroom, Lordalan finishes bashing his toy Ferrari into his wife’s shins shouting “I AM FORMULA ONE CHAMPION OF THE WORRRRRRRLD!” and enters. He says that this was a really great and fun and creative task (?) and then turns for our first round of “good team leader” – Stubags

I love how Laura is giving it the full on icy-stare of disdain there. If he even turned to look at her she’d burst into tears screaming “SORRY!”. Joanna is as usual the most mobile in her facial disapproval, in this case plumping for the

Tracey Chapman album cover approach. Lordalan asks her what’s wrong, and she says that Stubags offered them no structure on the task, and he should have given them more direction, rather than pootering around in his car all day. Stubags snots “great, any more feedback guys? Stella” like yeah, STELLA’S the one you want to be going to at this point. Lordalan tells him to cork it, cause this is still Lordalan’s yard and he does the “good team leader?”s thank you

VERY FAHCKIN MUCH. Stubags of course does a very

shit-eating giggle indeed back to him.

Lordalan asks who did the film, and Stubags says that it was himself and Laura who went to the race-track to make the film, as Laura is still doing her best

“oooh, I am totally Miss Iron Knickers” like we didn’t see her running away crying in Week 2 when Joanna looked at her all FUNNY. Give it up Laura. Seriously, the fact that two-thirds (at least) of the people who you thought were so unmanageable are STILL HERE, doesn’t really speak well for you. He and Lordalan then joke around about how driving the car around was a treat for Stubags before he’d already won, and how it was a hard job but someone needed to do it (maybe a professional driver?) lol lol lol

DIE DIE DIE!

Lordalan then asks how Stubags determined what his price-points would be, and then Stubags ignores this question completely, and just says what they were. He then says the only problem was people buying their product at the £10 price and then expecting the product to actually cost the same when it came to pay for it. Still, as a gesture of goodwill, they were allowed off. Lordalan and Joanna both point out that this isn’t so much “goodwill” as “standard practice”. In response, Stubags

turns into a Mr Man.

Stella is then asked if she was happy in her role in the back room, and Stella says yes she was, and it was a good job she was there, otherwise Stubags would have just run riot on his own. Lordalan asks why, and Stella replies with the fact that Stubags told her that writing things down was a waste of time, and without her doing that, there was no way to keep track of anything. She found it all very taxing. Stubags then decides that he actually quite enjoys the prospect of a slow and painful death, and announces “Stella’s 31! She’s a lot older than me, and I think she finds it difficult to take direction from someone 10 years younger”. Stella barrells in to that actually she’s 30, not that it makes any difference”. She also rejoinds that she finds it hard ACTUALLY to take direction from someone who can’t offer any.

Stubags then says that Stella is very corporate

and takes meticulous notes, whereas Stubags does all that in his head. Oh good grief Stubags, you are not Simon Ambrose and his Magic Memory, and it is not “corporate” to WRITE THINGS DOWN. Lordalan then points out that if Stubags and his MAGIC MEMORY were working for him, and all this information was in his head, and then Stubags got run over by a Number 9 bus, where would this leave Lordalan? Mardi Gras themed party, or Studio 54? Magraret left behind a really funky afro wig when she left if that’s any indication, although I hear Yasmina’s great on the maracas.

Sandeesh gets “good team leader?” next, and everyone nods at a very mild vibrate. He then goes “yeah, alright?” at Sandeesh and just expects her to talk about anything. Whatever she wants. Maybe Disney’s The Rescuers. Sandeesh says that, because Jamie and Christopher were the skiiers in the team, she sent them off on day 1 to film the ski video. Jamie then starts pontificating

that he chose a ski theme purely because he wanted something more “exotic” than what the other team were offering. What the eff is “exotic” about skiing in the first place? Even if they were in Val D’ I wouldn’t describe it as exotic, let alone a grotty indoor ski-centre in Milton Keynes.

Sandeesh is then asked how she decided who was going to be front-of-house on Day 2. Sandeesh says that she’d worked with Chris and Liz before and liked them, and couldn’t be arsed with the other two (/they sold well and attracted children(?!)). She also thought that Christopher would do well in back-of-house because of his technical running of the bakery in a previous task. Oh and Jamie did stuff as well. Probably. Lordalan then asks if it was not a bit silly to not have one of the people who received the initial training doing the computer stuff,

Sandeesh replies that she thought it’d only take 5 minutes to teach Christopher what to do. Kaen hoots in

to say that they opened an hour late because of this.

Finally, Jamie is asked if he was happy acting as the runner between front and back of house, and Jamie says that initially he wasn’t because he would be wasted as a courier, but he came to realise that it was in fact the most important role of all,

because he could see EVERYTHING and constantly give feedback to whoever needed it. And also whoever didn’t. And random passers-by. And God.

NUMBERS TIME!

Apollo sold £348, and spent £85 , for a profit of £263
Synergy sold £373, and spent £150, for a profit of £223

APOLLOWNAGE!

The reward is a champagne tasting masterclass at one of London’s oldest Champagne Bars, and Lordalan asks Stubags if he’s old enough to partake. Stubags says that he’s legal almost everywhere Lordalan, which is a little closer to a come-on than my stomach can take and tells his team that he’s very proud of all of them. Then Apollo are hied off, and Stubags turns to the other team and says that he promises to keep some of the champagne on ice for them. Snort. The group-hug that ensues is

positively heart-warming.

Synergy are also dispatched, and AT LEAST one of them will be… “leaving the process”. That sounds like a reality tv make-a-boyband show. Sorry Jamal, it’s not working out, it’s time to leave…”The Process”.

CHAMPAGNE!. I really feel that’s a very Stubags clip, I can’t help it. Anyway, guess what Stubags’ first question in a wine tasting is?

If you guessed “spit or swallow?” then congratulations, you are right. The woman in charge says “spitting, sniffing, all the things your mother told you not to do”. Yeah someone’s used to being asked that question. Everyone swills and spits and tries their best to be refined – Stubags jokes that it smells like anti-freeze,

tastes like paint-stripper and spews it down the side of the sofa

Stella asks him if he’s ever drunk champagne(/been allowed out of the house unaccompanied) before and Stubags jokes that of course he has, it’s what you get given for free in nightclubs when you walk in isn’t it? The woman in charge suggests that Stubags has a problem with it because it’s a mature vintage and Stella says it must be an acquired taste. Stubags then says he likes a younger and fresher vintage, Joanna clips “you mean like yourself Stubags?”, and then Stella delivers the coup de grace with “you don’t like mature, complex characters do you?” and then winks at him.

I love how she just called herself a “mature, complex character” on tv, and didn’t even come across as 1% of a tit, simply because it was a bait at Stubags. That’s craftsmanship.

Stubags then proposes a toast to the victory.

It’s like the velociraptor scene in Jurassic Park isn’t it?

Loser Cafe now,

and Jamie immediately announces that there were no errors in the back-room, so he’s perfect, thanks. No Boardroom for him. Stupid ski idea? What stupid ski idea? Liz Locke

rolls her eyes to Jesus, then kvetchterviwes that Jamie has to take some of the blame, because he was negative and whingy all morning on the second day. Back in the Loser Cafe she melodramas that she threw her heart and soul into that task, and it PHYSICALLY HURTS HER that they lose. Sandeesh outside interviews that she thinks she made good strategic decisions about where people would go (based on how much she liked them) and on pricing (to make Jamie go away) so she can’t see what more she could have done really.

BOARDROOM TIME!

Candidates are ushered in, and seated. As she sits down, Sandeesh adjusts her bra-strap and

turns the head-lamps on. She’s asked first off, if she thinks she did a good job of managing everyone. She says that she thinks everyone ended up in the right position for them. Lordalan highlights that Sandeesh works in recruitment, so putting people into the right roles should be natural to her. She agrees. Lordalan then asks her if she still stands by her idea of having Chris and Liz come with her on her technical jaunt, then flipping it onto Christopher at the last minute. Christopher continues to do that

intense drag-queen face he always does whenever he’s being discussed.

Sandeesh says yes, because it only took a short amount of time to explain the set-up to him. Lordalan says that the bottom line is that they opened at 11, and lost by £39, when they took on average about £40 an hour, so they may well have ended up winning. He then points out that they spent £35 more on DVDs and £20 more on marketing materials, so who was responsible for that overspend? Chris responds that “really he thinks that Liz took a handle on the costs really”. It’s that second really that makes it sound EXTRA lie-y. Liz says that she wouldn’t say that she was responsible for cost, and Sandeesh agrees with her, saying that they were full-team decisions.

Lordalan next tests the team’s basic recall skills, by asking how many DVDs the £55 they spent on them bought them. Liz replies “110”, and Lordalan points out that they sold 55. So they bought twice as many as they needed. So somebody over-estimated demand considerably. Liz admits this was a big mistake.

(Can they not start screaming at each other? It’s been all numbers and facts and civility thus far?). Next we come to the fact that at 3pm, Sandeesh decided to SLASH PRICES, and he asks her why this was. Aware that “Jamie was being really annoying” isn’t actually a reason, Sandeesh replies that she just felt it was time, because they needed to start moving stock. If they’d only sold 8 DVDs in half their allotted time, then that does rather suggest it was time to get a jog on no? Lordalan says that at 4pm they got a car that boosted sales considerably, so shouldn’t Sandeesh have been psychic and determined that that would happen and therefore not dropped the price?

Sandeesh is all “wha?” and then Lordalan starts babbling that it’s a sign when you slash prices before coming up with (/stealing) ideas as to how to boost sales isn’t it? Yeah, smooth segue there Lordalan.

To Jamie now, as Lordalan prods at him frantically to try to get some YELLING into this boardroom already, saying that he saw himself as the most important person on the task yes? He replies that he didn’t say HE was, he said his ROLE was, because his ROLE was nothing much, especially when the sales weren’t coming in, so its very nothingness afforded him time to jam his nose into everybody else’s business. Kaen points out his bragging about his “excellent feedback” and he says that yes, it was very excellent indeed, what of it? Lordalan then bats back that he’s heard that Jamie was very disrespectful of Sandeesh, and Jamie’s all “No I wasn’t, I was just incessantly telling her that she was wrong, and my ideas were right, and therefore I was being HELPFUL”. Kaen butts in to say that she felt sorry for Sandeesh, because Jamie was constantly chewing her ear off, and also trying to sell even though he was expressly told not to.

Chris then breaks in, to Jamie’s

disgust, to say that it was really irritating to have Jamie come down every hour on the hour, stare at them for five minutes, then tell them all they were crap.

Jamie complains that he feels like he’s being made out to be a bulldozer when he really ISN’T. He’s just giving FFFFEEDBACK. Chris says he was in fact whiny and sulky and doesn’t appear to think he should be doing anything to get his own house in order ever, about anything. Jamie replies, asking if he was a hinderance and Chris replies that, well

he wasn’t exactly helpful.

Liz glowers like a Cluedo piece in agreement. Jamie complains again that everyone told him he gave great feedback, and Chris throws his last card down, saying that of the two things that boosted sales – the price cut and the car – neither of them were anything to do with Jamie’s precious Feedback. To this, Jamie looks

blood-wounded. Boys, eh?

Sandeesh is asked who’s coming back with her, and she says that, as the errors were due to costings and sales, she’s going to have to bring back Chris and Liz. I know people think she should have brought Jamie back, but she’s clearly doomed anyway, so surely you want to go out clean, without Jamie splattering all over you as he’s been dying to do since he smirked when your team was told it had lost?

Candidates go out, Nick starts yelling about things he knows nothing about because for the seventh week in a row now he’s been following the winning team, candidates come back in.

Chris and Liz are both asked if they’re surprised to be back in the Boardroom as Sandeesh’s choices to hold her hands as she gets executed, and they say that they are. Well it was always going to be at least one of you wasn’t it? Chris is asked why, and he says that he and Liz did everything on the task, and Christopher and Jamie did nothing. Sandeesh rejoins that Christopher and Jamie ran the backroom perfectly, as compared to the other team, so she couldn’t bring them back in. Chris and Liz were responsible for costings and things with her, so they were partially responsible for the loss.

Chris then starts

counting off on his fingers all the things that he and Liz were made responsible for, and wonders if Sandeesh couldn’t instead have gifted them to either Christopher or Jamie to do – marketing, buying props, learning how to use the computers, costings, selling… He says he feels like he’s being penalised, because when you do 80% of the work, naturally most of the mistakes are going to be able to be laid at your door.

Sandeesh then says that she feels all three of them took on a lot of work, and her shoulders as PM were particularly heavily burdened. For one she expected Liz’s projections in terms of DVD numbers to be more accurate – Liz then

disbelievingly says that they all did this together, and Sandeesh agrees, but, well, Liz is just better than them both, so should have been the one to get it right.

Really, inviting two people back and REPEATEDLY saying they did exactly the same things as you did on this task, when they both have a far stronger overall record than you, is as close to actual Boardroom Suicide as you can get isn’t it?

Lordalan then, to spin time out, asks them all how they feel about Stubags selling his DVDs for £15 or £20, Chris points out that they sold far fewer units, and in fact their overall takings were lower, so it’s probably part of that whole crucial balancing act isn’t it? Neither approach was that much better than the other. In the fact of this actual logic and lack of pontificating, Lordalan fills up yet more air by whinging about investment bankers and how they don’t know what it’s like to live in the real world of graft and how obviously this team is just a bunch of big sales-wusses who panic-slashed their prices (yes, after half the time allotted had passed and 8 sales had been made) for ALMOST A WHOLE MINUTE UNTIL EVERYONE DIES OF BOREDOM AND REPETITION.

Liz ends the misery by saying that she had nothing to do with the price-slashing, and then Sandeesh passes this responsibility over to Chris, before Liz finishes by saying that she’s now decided that they slashed prices too early. because they didn’t take a step back and a breather to fully analyse the situation. I think she’s got a point in that if she’d stepped back (/over to the other team) and analysed the situation (/copied what they were doing) a bit earlier, they may well have not had to slash their prices at all. Chris agrees that Sandeesh maybe should have been thinking about a long game from an earlier point.

It’s then pointed out that Chris has been on 5 losing teams now,

SAD FACE, as we are officially scraping the bottom of the barrel for things to talk about, and he’s asked if he thinks this means anything. He says no, because he is amazing, and it was always everybody else’s fault except his. He sold a £300 dress and Project Managed to a record win. He am bulletproof. Sandeesh is then asks about the fact that this is her 4th appearance in the Final Boardroom. Her response is that she tries really hard, and she’s a really nice person, and she doesn’t lie, and she always rings her mother at weekends and asks how she is, and she remembers to recycle, and tip the postman at Christmas.

Lordalan asks what this has to do with the price of fish, and Sandeesh says she really wants it, and people like her and good grief, put her to sleep already.

Liz is then asked to beg, and she says that she’s been a key contributor since day 1, and worked her guts out on this task, and she supported Sandeesh and she’s low-key without an ego, and she’s just all round amazing, and a natural leader, and she gets things done. The end.

Lordalan’s all, bokay, I was only asking to fill time, let’s face it

Sandeesh is fired. And he dances all the way around a “with regret” without actually saying it. Which means Alex is our only one thus far this series, I ask you. I mean, there were reports that we were in for a bumper crop of “with regrets” this series, but it’s really not turning out that way. Lordalan does look a little bit

choked up though, as Sandeesh quickens out with a “thank you anyway”.

To her taxi, where she deploys the one weapon that maybe could have saved her

Crying out of those eyes. Who could have fired that? TAKE IT BACK LORDALAN, REINSTATE HER! FIRE CHRIS INSTEAD! HE’S NOT THAT FIT!

Back to the house, and we’re not even shown anybody speculating for once, because frankly, it didn’t take a Cassandra to predict that result did it? After they’re sat down, Liz says that Lordalan was blatantly confused as to why they were there, and Jamie panic-shuffles around them asking if Lordalan kept on talking about him and is he now in fact out for his blood? Liz greets this grubbing around with the

raw contempt it deserves, and says it was always going to be Sandeesh really. Stella then jerks to life to

call Stubags a twat some more. HOORAY! MORE OF THIS PLEASE!

Next week :

CRIIIIIIISPS!