Strictly Come Dancing 8 – The Manly Men

Men, men, manly manly men.

Matt Baker Ah jeez, it’s only another Blue Peter presenter. They’re obviously streamed as they leave as to where they go in terms of reality tv – the girl ones (like Konnie Huq and Zoe Salmon) go on to be really heroically bad on singing shows. Oh and ice-skating a bit. Whereas the boys go on to be quite good on Strictly Come Dancing. Or at least Matt might be quite good, who can say, what with his gymnastics, ballet, and professional dancing background? He might be another Joe Calzaghe! Anywho, Matt Baker was officially my period of Blue Peter and he was never really my favourite. I know all Blue Peter presenters are obliged to be a little Peter Brady-ish, but he took it to extremes. Whilst Gethin might have been a tad sexless on the show, at least he did that photoshoot for Heat afterwards covered in baby-oil and axle grease with nipple-clamps on and a dildo called Shep. Or something like that. Can you imagine Matt Baker doing that? No, no I can’t. Nor would I want to quite frankly. I really hope he doesn’t do that awkward Blue Peter after-career thing where he ineptly swears and talks about pubic hair to try to “adult” himself up a bit. From his video, I have learnt that he thinks Ballroom dancing is “stuck-up”, which makes me want him to be paired with Erin more than anything JUST TO LEARN HIM. His previous reality show experience runs to Only Fools On Horses, where he finished 3rd. To Nicki Chapman. That’s got to hurt.

Official Bookies Prediction : 1st

The millionaire Paul Daniels

Apparently the millionaire Paul Daniels’ involvement has caused something of a stir. A negative stir. The message boards hate him. The press on twitter hate him. The website creators hate him clearly, as they’ve made him look like a joke Incredible Hulk Villain called The Wizard or something like that. The female pros all obviously hate him, having spent the last few weeks playing an advanced game of “DodgePaul”, wherein a greased up the millionaire Paul Daniels is hurled at them by Ian Waite, and whoever gets hit by him is stuck partnering him. And yet, and yet… I kind of like him. And this isn’t from personal experience, because I’ve met him, and he was a right grumpy old git. But he has the sort of weird obnoxious personality that makes reality show early boots, he’ll be dragging the lovely Debbie McGee with him, he seems like he might have a weird dogged sort of determination buried in there, and…he’s just funny. Calling himself an International sex symbol? Funny. Saying he would have loved to have been Fred Astaire but he’s from Yorkshire, and lessons cost money? Funny. This whole mess here? Funny. And after all the humour last year being provided from Alesha bellowing in my face like a Harriet Jump Jet about OH MY GOD HOW FUNNY IS RICKY GROVES? I could do with a decent laugh. So there we go. I am officially Team the millionaire Paul Daniels, for the two weeks he’s going to last. Have at it. His reality tv experience is extensive, including The Farm and Celebrity X Factor, none of which he’s done particularly well at, it has to be said.

Official Bookies Prediction : 12th

Goldie

Oh God, not ANOTHER ex Blue-Peter presenter! I know Eastenders have to colonise the show, but surely other shows don’t have to get in on the act? By Series 10 the programme will be during contestants from about three other shows and that’ll be it, not a wild card in…oh. Wait? Not that Goldie you say? Well ok then. That’s slightly better. I don’t think there have been any drum n bass artists on the show before. Unless you count Gloria Hunniford obviously. Goldie is called Goldie, because he likes gold things. This is why my official drum n bass name is Kitkatie. Or more accurately Carmaelkitkatchunkieorpeanutaswellimnotfussyie. It’s a pain in the arse to graffitti that on the side of a tube train every time I can tell you, but it’s worth it for the cred. He’s currently in the unfortunate position of having one of his children just be jailed for murder, which as distractions go, is probably slightly above “oooh, I have to film a Hollyoaks Christmas Special” let’s be honest, so his mind mind not totally be on the game. His pre-show tape informs us that he is one of the eleven billionty celebs this year particularly looking forward to the Latin dances, because he just loves Latin beats. Shall you tell him he’ll be doing his Latin dances to Yes Sir I Can Boogie, 9 To 5, The Locomotion, Danger! High Voltage and Once Twice Three Times A Lady or shall I? His previous reality experience includes Celebrity Big Brother (the one nobody watched) The Games (where he broke himself before competing) and Maestro (where a middle-class army were shocked, SHOCKED that a professional DJ would have a natural talent for rhythm above, say, an ex Blue Peter presenter and Jane Asher,. and I scratched my head).

Bookies Official Prediction : 10th

Gavin Henson

Well, if Charlotte Church can grow on me over the course of a year, why not almostMr Charlotte Church? To be fair, all I’ve known about Gavin Henson thus far is that he is Welsh and over-groomed and that he plays rugby quite well, as opposed to his English mediawhore counterpart/evil mirror-twin Danny Cipriani who I’m assured is well rubbish. To the extent that Gavin Henson is apparently ruining his World Cup prospects by doing it, whereas all Danny Cipriani would be postponing would be a photoshoot with Bella magazine. (Don’t come at me with actual rugby knowledge – it will be ignored). Early rumours suggest also that he might be a bit crap, which is worrying, because rugby players have never finished lower than 5th on the show (admittedly, there have only been four) so we might be stuck with him for a long time. It’s the journey!
I have to say, I found his website video endearingly moronic. It’d odd, because normally I don’t take to people who are all “what’s a waltz?” but anyone who answers the question “which dance are you looking forward to?” with “Erm…I don’t know…one of the fast ones?” is alright in my book. Let’s hope he makes ALL the dances fast ones. TURBO FOXTROT! He’s also apparently worried about getting an erection in the middle of the dance-floor. Just pair him with Erin then. Anything poking into her mid-way through a rumba and she’ll chop it off. No worries about that any more. As for previous reality show experience, I’ll just leave it to his website profile.

“This summer, Gavin took part in a TV show called Human Guinea Pig for Bravo, in which he allowed a direct hit of 750,000 volts from a specially designed generator to make contact with his head.”

MMM HMM!

Official Bookies Prediction : 7th

Scott Maslen

So, here’s another Eastenders then, although for once, not an ex-Eastender, and also not someone who I’ve heard is leaving in the immediate future. And also quite a main character from what I can tell (yes, that’s right, even at the speed they’ve been going through Eastenders stars, we’ve not quite hit Tracy/Big Ron/Jonathan Ross’ Mum levels yet) so who knows what merry hell that’ll play with his training time. He’s also a designated hunk, as indicated by this, which I think is the laziest topless photoshoot I’ve ever seen. It’s like “wurgh, I’m naked, oh yeah, and here’s my cock”. I mean, I’m not asking for Sexy Santa (BLECK!) or anything, but you could at least put a little more effort into it. I hope his routines on the show show a little more flair, although let’s be honest, the CRAZY ESTROGEN OVARY DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE VOTERS would probably vote for him anyway, eh, EH? Or words to that effect. Anyway, he is potentially also a dirty ringer, as he was in a BREAKING CREW in his teenagers who competed around London. And let’s face it, they ARE definitely introducing break-dancing week this year (that or krumping), so that’s yet another unfair leg up on top of the GENETIC LOTTERY HE’S ALREADY WON. But to balance it out, he did avoid showdance lessons at his drama school, which means that should be called upon to act like a wereturkey or explore the gooier depths of Camilla Dallerup’s subconscious, or scream MASHED POTATOES through somebody’s rapidly scissoring legs, he could easily be unmanned. Previous reality show experience appears to be nil. Hmmm…

Bookies Official Prediction : 4th

Jimi Mistry

1920s gumshoe Jimi Mistry is our third ex-Eastender, although you wouldn’t know it, because he’s actually gone on to have somewhat of a career afterwards and isn’t really known so much for his Eastenders stint. And he’s done it via Hollywood films, rather than the Natalie Cassidey method with her documentary “LOOK AT ME I’M DONE HAVING A BABY!”. Alright, alright, let’s not go crazy, he was in The Guru, it’s hardly Mission Impossible or High School Musical, but let’s face it, for Hollywood to consider an Asian person sexually attractive enough to play the male lead, there has to be moderately crazy levels of hot going on there. Also it might be because his character on Eastenders was a bit rubbish, being one of the many many doctors over the years who weren’t Dr Legg and who therefore mean NOTHING. Also he was gay before being gay on a soap meant automatic plaudits and success no matter how tragically amateurish, embarrassingly acted and poorly plotted the storyline was, poor little boat misser. Potential EVIL RINGER status is granted by his stint in The Guru, because let’s face it, they’re going to introduce Bollywood Week this year (that or polka), which is yet another leg-up on top of his natural good looks. DAMN HIS EYES. Reality tv experience is nil as far as I’m aware, and his website video reveals he’s tragically earnest about not being desperate to win, because if you’re desperate to win, then you’re missing out on all the fun. I dunno Jimi, Natalie Lowe appears to be having plenty fun to me.

Official Bookies Prediction : 6th

Peter Shilton

Peter Leslie Shilton, OBE (born Leicester, England, 18 September 1949) is a former football goalkeeper who holds the record for playing more games for England than any other player. His international career earned him 125 caps, making him England’s most capped player.

In a 30-year career, which included eleven different clubs, three World Cups, two European Cup finals and more than 1,000 competitive matches, Shilton emerged as one of the English game’s genuine legends. He has the rare distinction of having played over 100 league games for 5 different clubs. Shilton did not make his World Cup finals debut until the age of 32 but he played in 17 finals matches and shares the record 10 clean sheets for most World Cup finals clean sheets with French keeper Fabien Barthez.

During his time at Nottingham Forest he won two European Cups, a European Super Cup, the First Division championship, the League Cup and many other honours.

Shilton also holds the all-time record for the most competitive appearances in world football.

Official Bookies Prediction : 14th

(What? IT’S FOOTBALL, WHAT DO I KNOW?!)