BYE CHRIS! YOUR NAME WAS LIKE MY NAME!
on a line-up of our male pros looking as MANLY as possible, ready for action, ready for battle, definitely not feeling in any way insecure in their youth and virility having been soundly beaten this year by a 53 year old who made up a new name to sound more like the hero in an Anthony Hope novel and who gets his hair out of a spray tin.
Grr arg manly, 8 inch dicks, the lot of them (try to look a bit less cross eyed Kevin).
Meanwhile on the other side of the room
oompf, looks like Janette’s done herself a mischief on the set. But she keeps on going, twirling and swirling her wrists and ankles in a flamenco style, as she waits the arrival of the one, the only, the legendary, the illuminated,
CHRIS KAMAR…oh no wait, IT’S CARLOS ACOSTA. The erm…primo ballerino of the Royal Ballet for many years. LOL remember when everyone was trying to gin up rumours that he was going to be the new judge? Some people obviously manage their money a bit better than Darcey Bussell did, all I’m saying. And of course, within seconds, he’s
shown Karim how to do proper spins and
Kelvin how to do proper leaps, and I’m sorry, did you think either of your male frontrunners were actually good dancers? WELL THEY’RE NOT! Look
he’s even better at getting women to fawn over him than they are. Two menopausal female judges? PLEASE! Carlos Acosta has got all the women in the studio up in his bubbies and he’s only just got there.
This all then moves into Carlos playing out the story of Carmen with
Katya as the scarlet woman, and yes it goes on for ages, but it’s good dancing, and what else are we going to fill this show with tonight?
Well, we’re about to find out.
Everyone clears out and our hosts emerge and
I know that we’re all notionally used to Claudia’s fringe at this point, but sometimes you do look at it and wonder. She thanks Carlos and the pros for easing into tonight, and then Tess breaks in to say that tonight, after the last 12 weeks of effort, improvement, and striving, will see the most important dance-off of the series. Yeah it’s going to be a real nailbiter. Presiding over said dance-off will of course be our judges including
Motsi in a turban, why not? Also on the menu tonight, the same interview’s worth of meandering nothings about how glad someone is to be in the final, twice, a guess performance from a One Direction (no not that one) (or that one) (keep going), and of course
Your Week In Both Greg And The Other One. A Rare Treat.
And after that
your last one of these for the series. So make sure you go and vote right here, right now. Or later, whichever. This is followed fairly quickly by our reveal of the first couple in the dance-off
and look at him taking it on the chin AGAIN. A little bit…too much to be honest. So I guess what we’re supposed to be pondering here is whether Chris has bounced back enough to beat Emma in the public vote when he didn’t last week. Or whether Karim is going to have a cry again, one or the other. He goes over to Tess and reassures her that he’s ok, he’s alright, he doesn’t need Chris to come over and give him a hug (yet), he’s a bit shaky, but he’ll have a little break and then be ready to come back and perform his American Smooth again. If someone can find the matches. Craig is asked for his advice, and he tells Karim to believe himself, because he’s the one who’s got himself here. Well it’s obviously not been the public.
Up to Claud 9 again and
always odd when there’s only the one couple to interview isn’t it? Claudia says that Kelvin’s often (/always) been towards the top of the leaderboard, but she can tell he’s never taken his safety for granted, and asks him if he can believe he’s in the final. Kelvin says that he cannot, and it’s been incredible, and it’s great to know that people that home have voted for him, and he had a great Saturday night, and the whole experience from start to end has been a joy. Meanwhile somewhere in the background Karim fumbles around in his duffle bag for his emotional support beanie baby. Claudia then reiterates that Kelvin was our sub this year, and had barely any notice, and in fact had thought it was a prank call when he was asked to be on.
From his dad? That’d explain a few things. Oti then gives a little speech about how proud she is of Kelvin and yes yes we did this on the Performance Show, she loves him very much. And Kelvin then gives a speech of his own down the camera to everyone at home who voted for him, thanking them. God this is tedious.
Next up NIALL HORAN’S GOT CHEST HAIR NOW,
AND HE’S READY TO SHOW IT OFF! Many of us have been there. Simon Cowell still is there. He’s here with his very own guitar (bless him) to sing some song about courting a nice girl, but a bit EDGIER, like there’s lyrics about buying her a grown-up drink, and getting her phone number tattooed on his arm, can you imagine? (And yes that sounds stupid and short-sighted but…have you seen some of the other tattoos currently living on One Direction members, it’d be positively sane in comparison, Liam’s got some on his elbows pointing down to his hands so he remembers where they are). At some point Gorka and Katya come out and have a bit of a
flirty gadabout as well, good for them, good for getting out there whilst the producers are still mulling over who to give a celeb to next year.
Niall’s career’s probably still doing too ok for it to be him though right? He does seem to be weighing up his options.
Up to Dance Debrief now and
it’s Shirley having skirt problems this week, I’m not sure she can find her legs under there. Keep trying Shirley, you’ll find them eventually. Motsi’s first and
goodness me yes, that turban’s still an absolute statement. She’s being asked here to defend her 10s for Karim, because of course she wasn’t touchy at all about that on the main show, why not poke at that spot a bit? Anyway, she loved how quiet his Argentine Tango was, and how soft his American Smooth was, compared to the normal energy that he puts out on to the show. Or indeed, the energy she normally puts out on the show, which is enough to bring passing aircraft down. Next up, it’s Shirley, and she wants to see Kelvin’s pecker plunging in and out in slow motion
there we are! HIS WOODPECKER! So you can all withdraw those complaints you made to OFCOM about her wanton sexual harassment, it was all perfectly innocent. Shirley was particularly excited by Kelvin’s woodpecker, because normally it’s danced as a pair, with the partnership in hold and rotating around in a circle, but Kelvin danced it completely on his own. I mean, if anything that sounds easier to me, but what do I know?
Craig next, asked to critique the footwork in Chris’ Viennese Waltz and, let’s be honest, it’s not hard, we all could done it, the feet were just flapping around any old how. Craig just settles for saying that there was too much rise and fall, and that the figures were so indistinguishable that he couldn’t tell whether Chris was doing a standing spin or a fleckerl. Get Len on the phone from LA Craig, I’m sure he’ll help. Bruno closes
waxing lyrical over Emma’s waltz, and giving us all a lesson in how classical music works. Apparently, quite often, there are changes of tempo in the piece. Fascinating! I’m waiting for a 6 part series on the subject on BBC 4 over Christmas, which will entirely coincidentally require Bruno to take a series of expensive holidays all over continental Europe.
As it’s the last Dance Debrief, we’re getting a special bonus segment (oh joy) – a selection of judging highlights from throughout the series. Craig in drag, Teethgate, Bruno sings, the banana song, Motsi doling out her herpes and her 10 paddle, and Shirley…standing up occasionally (?) but no “you know, you know, you know”, so frankly not at all comprehensive enough for my liking. Have Rylan edit the next one, he’s got an eye.
Back down to the floor now, and our last Bottom 2 before the Bottom 2
presumably they’re doing it like this so Anton doesn’t try to shag Emma to death again. Anyway just for confirmation’s sake
no bounce, no chance at Showdance redemption for Karen, it’s Emma who’s going to the final, and Chris who’s about to be fed to Karim. After a lengthy confab with Anton and Emma, Chris reaches Tess, and congratulates Kelvin and Emma for making the final. Probably could have thrown Karim in there at the same time mate, we all would have understood. He does joke that, with his rumba squaring off against Karim’s American Smooth, they might as well just call it an early night here though, which I guess is the same thing. But then what would the BBC show on tv to beat the ever-pressing and crushing threat of Celebrity X Factor : The Band Robbie Williams Special All Stars With Nicole Scherzinger? OPEN ALL HOURS? NO THANKS! Bruno is asked for his advice, and he tells Chris to just enjoy it. Which is all you can say really.
Up to Claud 9 now so that
Emma and Anton can give more or less exactly the same interview as Kelvin and Oti gave earlier. Emma can’t speak, she’s so excited, Anton’s so excited, it’s all very exciting Claudia. Emma does at least have a low in her Strictly journey to refer to ie the week she was bottom of the judges leaderboard with that rumba that we’re all doing our level best to pretend never happened. Emma attributes her success to Anton’s choreography, and also listening intently to the judges and trying to work on the things they were critiquing. Which in the case of Shirley was pretty much everything, some weeks, right down to the way she parked her car before showtime, but SHE PERSISTED, AND HERE SHE IS! Strictly has made her fall in love with dancing for real, when before she’s always felt like she was winging it a bit. Anton is then reminded this is only his second final ever, in seventeen years, and he gives a little homily how every year on Strictly you enjoy it, and think it can’t get any better (Really? With Susannah Constantine?) and then someone like Emma comes along and proves it can. Emma then gives her little “down the camera” thank you speech and says that she wants to come around to everyone’s houses personally and thank us all for voting.
Nah, you’re alright.
AND THEN IT’S STILL NOT OVER!
We need to have a chat, apparently, about the fact that the couples have to do three dances in the final. Big woop, they let you off the -athon this year, you can jolly well definitely do AT LEAST three routines in the final, and I hope they rope you into the closing car crash group routine as well. Oti is asked, as the most recent finalist here, what those dances are, and she reveals that they are your own favourite routine of the series, the Judges Pick, which is something they think is good, or which they think you can improve on, or which will show your journey from Week 1, or which could have been improved with more sensitive choreography, or which you made a big obvious mistake you can correct in, or which will balance out the mood of your dance card, or which involved the tightest trousers, or whichever the WHEEL OF FORTUNE lands on. Any of those. Oh and a showdance. That as well. Woo.
After a recap montage of the entire competition, set to a creepified version of Mr Sandman for some reason (search me) it’s time for our dance-off and
yup, clean sweep. Chris didn’t ginuwinely cry from the pure emotion of the DAHNCE this time, it was probably that. Just not the same. And yes that is Karim dropping Amy like a hot brick so he can launch himself at Chris like a laser-guided hug missile.
Some bromances die hard.
After that? Time for a nice goodbye speech! Chris says that he never thought he’d make it this far, and in fact that he’d be gone in Week 2, and he puts his baffling success entirely down to Karen, and more specifically her boundless patience with his inability to remember even the simplest steps. Apparently in the first few weeks, she made the show bearable, and in the last few weeks, she’s managed to make it enjoyable. Which, for this series, is actually saying something.
After a quick break for best bits, Chris thanks everyone for voting, and then Karen is asked to say her piece, and tells Chris it’s been a true GIGGLEFEST!
There was the one about the dog with no nose, there was the one about where Napoleon keeps his armies, there was the one where the sandwich walked into the bar…SO MANY MEMORIES! Also of some dancing. Or at least some very rhythmic walking.
SEMI FINALISTS, LADIES AND GENTS!