Ladies and gentlemen, after last week’s well-received gentle and nostalgic ballroom tinged meander through the last 100 years of film, are you ready for?
THE MOST STREET-COMMERCIAL EXPERIENCE OF YOUR LIFE VWORP VWORP VWORP CHAKKA-CHAKKA-CHAKKA-CHAKKA-CHAKKA-CHAKKA-CHAKKA-CHAKKA VWORRRRRRRRRRRRRP! Shining right in your FACE like the spaceship from Close Encounters! BAM!
Your hot luscious SEXALICIOUS female pros with their limbs at PROVOCATIVE angles! The THRUSTING VIRILE MANADOCIOUS male pros constantly sliding back and forth and back and forth and back again through their legs like they’re doing an oil check! Graziano playing
HUNT THAT LUBA! Oti
DOING HER BEST, with a slightly faraway look in her eyes! Janette getting thrown around like a nerd’s sandwiches at lunchtime! A completely unnecessary costume change! A lot of jackets being worn without trousers or skirts on BOTH SIDES OF SAID COSTUME CHANGE! A guaranteed 100% for sure cast iron promise of no Anton! It all ending with one of the lady pros
just knocking a male pro over CUZ THAT’S WHAT EMPOWERMENT’S ALL ABOUT LADIES! JUST SHOVE THEM! Henry VIII would only have had one wife if Catherine Or Aragon had just told him to stop being SUCH A DICKHEAD and pushed him into a cowpat! SEXILY!
Everyone away and hidden again, our hosts emerge from the shadows and thank Nathan Clarke for doing that thing there what everyone just done. It was his fault. Send your angry letters to him. They then go on to recount Saturday’s highlights – Emma B getting her first 9s, Saffron getting her first 9s, Mike Bushell getting his first 9s, everyone sodding getting 9s, James Cracknell, Diarmuid Gavin, Rachel Riley, Hayley Holt, check under your seats everyone, you’re all getting 9s, YOU get a 9, and YOU get a 9, and YOU get a 9 and YOU get a 9 (not you Alex lol). Also David done a fast and Karim put his Mr Happy away and Kelvin done a sexy woop woop! All of this madness of course was done to set up a shock boot to try to spike the show’s ratings, and here putting the cherry on the sloppy sundae are
these four! Kudos to Motsi for getting what appear to actually be fetish trousers on BBC primetime. Not since Flavia.
Oh and Keith Urban will be here as well. So that’s nice. First though
your Week In Greg.
That out the way, Tess gives us all another squizz at the leaderboard, to confirm that no really, they did it, all of those marks actually did happen, we didn’t dream it, and then
some o’these. I feel like they’re getting worse, not better. Except you Catherine, you can stay. Our first victim is being deferred to the next round, but we’ve still got time to fill, so let’s have a pointless chat with the judges, why not. Tess tells Motsi that it was so tight between the top and bottom of the leaderboard, so it really could be anybody going home couldn’t it? Yes, just the 15 point gap as opposed to last week’s 27 point chasm from Kelvin’s Charleston to Anneka’s. Motsi then says she’s really glad the women turned up this week, because they’ve been really subdued for the last few weeks. LOL, these women actually had a worse average placing on the leaderboard this week than they did last week Motsi, but go on, push the narrative, EMMA B HAS FINALLY ARRIVED! (Unless the improvement is “Anneka isn’t here any more” in which case…fair enough)
Up to Claud 9 now and
the week after a Feem Week everyone always looks a little bit underdressed don’t they? David’s up first, in his first Results Show Chat section of the series, and he gives a gushy and emotional speech thanking everyone at home for voting for him. Well…as gushy and emotional as David James gets. Which is not very. But the effort is there. Catherine’s next up, and Claudia says that, in today’s world where Strictly is a great big family, there’s always a mum in the cast. And this year, it’s Catherine. So going back I’m guessing Faye, then Alexandra (against everyone else’s wishes), then Daddy Ed Balls and his life partner Rindy, then Kellie, then Judy’s Mum via the medium of Judy and shortbread, then warring mummies Fiona and Susanna, each marshalling their own children into internecine warfare (*heart emoji*), then Lisa Riley, then Daddy Donobot, then…idk, Michelle Williams in one of those daytime dramas where mummy has to give up her kids to the state because she’s been doing too much Shake’n’Vac? Then before that, as we all know, there was no great big Strictly family, not even a WHATSAPP group and they all hated one another, no mummies, the end.
Sorry, got off track there didn’t I? Erm…Catherine has designated herself “Auntie Cath”, she’s got a great big bag with plasters and snacks and bobby pins in, and if you want anything, you just come see your Auntie Cath.
God she absolutely is that girl isn’t she? “Looks after” everybody on nights out(/subtly manipulates them into drama), except one time when you’re all out when she’s just got dumped and BOY HOWDY, don’t expect anything out of Auntie Cath’s bag that night. Not even smints.
After this, Chris reveals that Karen is still hissing and doing general cat noises at people, which is a shame because I was liking her this year, and Karim does his impersonation of Amy. It sounds sod all like her. Amy then reveals that she’s doing her first Strictly salsa ever next week, sounding like the grave itself. At this rate she’s not going to need a Hallowe’en costume, all I’m saying.
Back to the floor for more of these now
and after that
these two, right in that dance-off. I knew it was coming from the second she was announced in the cast, but it still hurts me, a little. DON’T TAKE MY VISCOUNTESS AWAY FROM ME GUYS! I’ve been reading all about her scandalous origins this week it was great. Still, one more elimination after this one and then she’s made Hallowe’en, and that’s all I dreamed of for her. Tess asks her how she’s feeling, and she replies that she’s just going to have go out there and give it her best. TWICE against a wall in one night Tess, she’s not sure her thighs will take it. But she will PLOUGH ON regardless. Bruno’s advice? “Don’t overthink it”. I can’t see that being a problem. Tess then decides to honk
“I CAN FEEL HER LITTLE HAND SHAKING IN MINE!!!!” with a little bit too much satisfaction. Why are she and Claudia so neggy this year, it’s weird. Is this why Katya’s being weird? Are Tess and Claudia just cooing “Oooh, you’re doing very well considering” at her every week when she drives up?
Back to the Safety Sofas now
and Claudia is asking Saffron how all her millions of followers are helping her through the competition. Well by voting, mostly, I would imagine. Saffron says her followers are everything to her (I remember Charlie Manson said a very similar thing) and says that so many of them are watching the show for the very first time, because no offence, she’s much cooler than Strictly normally, you can thank her for the ratings she’s bringing in laters babes kiss kiss. Except she doesn’t…so muchsay most of that, it just hangs in the air. Claudia then congratulates Will on never having to dance foxtrot ever again (unless it’s the base of his American Smooth I guess) (or if he makes the final) (or if there’s a foxtrotathon) (or if…I don’t know, a Make A Wish kid asks or something, how many more of these brackets do you want?) and then reveals that next week he’s doing Contemporary. Oh God back to back weeks guys? Really? Give me a break. He’ll be dancing to “Seven Years” which, coincidentally, is the length of time it’s been since someone did a waltz on this show.
Emma up last and Claudia, pre-briefed, tells them that she hears that the weirdest thing happens to them, every day, in training, at 4pm, regular as clockwork. Emma says yes
they shit themselves Claudia. (Not really, I’ve watched this four times now and I’m still not sure what it is? I think they just…get really giggly? Emma remains the OTHER That Girl to Catherine. Loves her craft so hard she just gets a bit silly from all the intensity Claudia. Would you get that rehearsing some NON SONDHEIM Musical like Matilda The Musical Claudia, no you wouldn’t).
Next? Playing what Claudia calls his “World Wide Hit”?
Everyone had that one dinnerlady who looked a bit like this right? His song’s very foot stompy and hand clappy and “Modern country” and then Kevin and Katya come out and do a little random dance and
Kevin appears to have found himself a haircut that actually works for him, let’s celebrate that.
Do you think they’re hoping to catch Nicole Kidman’s attention with this? It’s a possibility. Get her in the front row next to Tanya from Eastenders doing that weird clapping she does, would liven any show up. Try to get a floor manager to wrangle that flapping in time to the beat I’d like to see it.
Time for Dance Debrief after that, and you know what that means, in this week of all weeks
ol’ Tonioli giving his Bruno Basket one last airing before he jets off to Miami. DARING Claudia to have a problem with it isn’t he? DARING. We start with Motsi being asked to give a technical explanation of why she gave Emma B a 9 and of course, it’s Motsi, so she doesn’t. Apparently it was just a magical moment, that we have to all take in.
I mean, I’ve seen more magical. Motsi just about starts to make a point about Emma’s fingers before we just get back to “I loved it!”. Yes we noticed. Shirley is then asked to justify David’s in-no-way-ridiculous marks, and she talks about his wonderful posture and marvellous frame over a picture of his hand being so far away from Nadiya’s back it’s actually casting a shadow. Shirley says it’s a miracle, and she’s so proud of him.
Bless her. She so WANTS everyone to believe doesn’t she? Like a mum hoping her 9 year old still believes in Santa, but the evidence isn’t looking great. DO YOU STILL WANT TO PUT THE MILK AND THE LITTLE CARROT OUT FOR RUDOLPH MARK?
Craig is then asked to talk about contemporary, in relation to Saffron’s routine, and I can’t tell you enough that I don’t know why they keep on getting Craig to talk about contemporary, because I can actually feel the audience thinking it’s a bigger and bigger load of old drivel with every word about truth and meaning and messages from movement that comes out of his mouth.
Jeeeeesus. After this we close with a montage of all the loudest screams that Katya did during Mike’s quickstep. As the King Of Obnoxious Incoherent Shouting, Bruno is of course best placed to commentate, bigging up Mike’s performance skills, as in the clip Katya howls so hard in his face that his skin start to form those little frilly flaps like those dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. Oh and one more bit of business – Alfonso Ribeiro is back again next week to cover for Bruno, because we’d run out of Dancing With The Stars winners anyone in this country has heard of, except Amber Riley, and she’s off playing Audrey II in Pasadena so…tough titties.
One last round of these now
and I know they’ll never ask, because it’s not that sort of show, but I’d like the First Danger Couple to admit that they’re standing there at this point thinking “right – can beat them, can’t beat them, can’t beat them, hope HE gets called safe because there’s no WAY”. This all leaves our Bottom 2 before the Bottom 2 as Alex vs Dev and
the SHARP head turn Alex does when Dev’s name is called as in the dance-off is more staccato and whiplash than anything she did in the actual tango. Where was THIS energy?
Dev and Dianne stumble over to the judges both
radiating their own individual brand of pissed off. Tess asks Dev how he’s feeling, and Dev, clearly in no mood to chat, says that he’s a bit shocked really. Tess then gives the interview up for dead
not least because Dev is keeping any handily grabbable limbs WELL out of her reach. Craig is asked for his advice, and he launches into his usual “I AM SHOCKED!” speech that precedes any shock boot on this show and let’s be clear – Dev was scored lower than Emma and she didn’t get this speech, Craig scored Dev lower than Emma, and she didn’t get this speech, and Craig only scored one person lower than Dev all night, so I don’t know why HE’S getting this speech. If you didn’t want this bottom 2 Craig, you could have…not marked in a way specifically designed to engineer it as a strong possibility. Anywho, Craig tells Dev he needs to be cheekier. You know. To Sam Smith. Who just RADIATES “cheeky”. “I’m cheeky, me!” that’s their catchphrase! Shirley also gives a little “I’M SHOCKED!” speech, and then tells Dev to be mentally strong.
Turns out he wasn’t the one to worry about.
to this seething morass, where it’s revealed that Kelvin didn’t have a spray tan this week, and as a result, he felt naked. Between that and the see-through top anyway. And the cameramen in the training room following him to the toilets every time he goes for a wee. Alex next, and she says she was shocked to get through, and thanks everyone for voting. Also it’s her birthday! When this show airs! Tomorrow! Woo! Michelle follows, on a dance reveal, and she’s got rumba. She’s very excited! No really, look!
Michelle is this excited because the rumba is slow and moody and sensual. Wait til she finds out it’s being danced to a song by ORIGINAL CHEEKY CHEEKSTER Sam Smith, then she’ll see. Mike then is asked about all the support he’s got from “Dad Dancers” and Mike says that he’s really getting a lot of love from all the men in their 50s and 60s out there, and no offence Mike but if they’re in their 60s, we’ve gone past “dad dancing”. Katya is then asked to talk a bit and it’s a bit like when someone’s just narrowly avoided getting run over and you get them to babble just to calm themselves down a bit. Expend that energy Katya. Just keep going. Back down to earth.
A quick burbly advert for social meeds and then
the inevitable output of last night’s events. I have to say third elimination is a weird week to be doing a SHOCK BOOT in, given that you normally want all the pieces properly established on the board before you start flinging them off at random for cheap thrills but hey, why not? I do think at this point, after Spoony, and Melvin, and Vick, and Goldie, and now this, if you’re a dj and you’re…not white, maybe do a Celebrity Bake-Off instead, it feels like you’re swimming really really far uphill with this audience. It just feels cruel at this point. Still, who am I to try to stop pioneers, maybe one day the tortoise will fly. Meanwhile, up on Claud 9
both Aljaz’s wife and, apparently, without me noticing, Dianne’s wife, are receiving comfort, after the carnage they just witnessed between their better halves.
Tess ploughs in with our bested couple all “LOL MEMBER WHEN YOU WERE THE GEENEE, ALL BLUE AND THAT?” and Dev just wants to talk about how gutted he is and how much he’s going to miss Dianne.
Honestly I could watch Claud 9 through all of this, don’t even show the leavers, give me AmyCam. Also, I hope Karim finds his hat. Here’s another one
Michelle and Karen doing full “WHAT CAN YOU SAY?” and “I KNO RITE?!” whilst Chris’ brain is still trying to process. Dianne then totally autopilots her way through her leaving speech, like a pro, but
doesn’t quite make it to the middle of the floor with enough left in the tank to do a Leaders Dance. Two weeks in a row, these people are taking it HARD this year. Dev and Dianne stay motionless and hugging for just long enough for it to become awkward so
HERRRRRRRRE COMES AMY! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!