Strictly Come Dancing 16 – Week 12 Performance

Last week : Charles respected Karen as a woman, Giovanni respected Muffin and Melora as goats, Joe respected Johannes as a human rollercoaster, AJ respected Lauren’s Great Nan as someone who didn’t want to see any ripped jeans in her living room thank you very much, Stacey respected FONTEEN OH MY GOD I LOVE FONTEEN LES MISERABLES IS MY FAVOURITE MUSICAL, I AINT NEVER SEEN IT THOUGH BUT IT’S MY FAVOURITE I LOVE EM ALL, FONTEEN, EPIPEN, CASSETTES, JOHN CLAUDE VAN JOHN, I LOVE EM CLAUDE I HATE EM, WHAT’S A MUSICAL, and Ashley respected the public’s right to put her in the dance-off again, she did guys, gosh gee, it’s hard but you betcha I’ll still go out there and try my best and ride this amazing rollercoaster with Posha all the way to the end even though it’s been emotional because at the end of the day that’s what Strictly is all about!

This week : guys could you all stare down the cameralens





like you’ve just opened up the communal office tub of Roses and seen that Kathy from HR has nicked all the Toffee Pennys again? Because IT’S THE SEMI FINALS, THINGS ARE GETTING SERIOUS! AGAIN! NO, REALLY THIS TIME!

LIVE!

Blessed be the halo around Ashley Roberts head, patron saint of hated ringahs forever and ever amen.

Right, no messing about we’re almost at the end now, let’s get right into it

Tess’s dress has got her boobs and her waist in the same place and Claudia’s dress looks like it’s been fed through a shredder. Celebs in the audience are most predominantly these two


neither of whom are ever going to do Strictly, and thank goodness for that. They booked an American star from one of the biggest girlbands of all time and she keeps on inviting KEITH LEMON?! Keep it. If Kelly Brook can land us Billy Zane, you can haul along one of your random shags Ashley, come on. Tess tells us that this week the celebs will be doing two brand new routines (sorry Lauren, can’t just do two waltzes, I know AJ requested it, but the Chinese Waltz and the Waltz De La Muerte aren’t actually things, they checked, they checked when you tried to pick them for Couples Choice as well, they’re onto you) to get them into the final. Judging who has done enough to enter that hallowed hall will be these four

and again, if I had more time I’d be photoshopping Darcey and Shirley under a duvet there, it’s very “the morning after the night before” isn’t it?

Stacey Dooley & Kevin Clifton dancing the Charleston

The crowd cheer…6/10 loudly and this is enough to set Kevin off

hooting and fist-pumping and milking them. I am currently in the process of trying to work out whether I’d find Kevin finally winning at the 5th time of asking and exploding all over the studio, or Kevin losing yet again funnier to watch. Either way I feel like we’re in for fireworks.

Training now, and Stacey says that she’s always wanted to do the Charleston, since Week 1, coz it’s SO HER.

She says this as she dangles precariously with her legs in the air, keeping her balance only via cupping Kevin’s balls. THAT’S SO STACEY. Kevin tells us meanwhile that he’s done everything he can this week, thrown every trick in the book into the mix, made adjustments where necessary, cut it back where it was getting tricky and tangled up, and willed so so hard for things to go right

but it’s just no good, it’s patchy, it’s lop-sided, it’s itching like mad, it’s going to have to come off. Sorry Zoe, he knows you loved it. That all run through, it’s revealed that yes, it’s time for this VT as Stacey sits and watches messages of support from all her fans amongst the general public.

Effing turncoat goats, I KNEW they couldn’t be trusted. Nobody has done more for goat representation on this show than Faye and Giovanni and you go and do this to them? DISGRACEFUL, it’s like gays who voted for Trump. I think my favourite supporters of Stacey are

these two, just for the effort the BBC have gone to in blurring out that logo. Yes, he totally could be Spiderman there I guess. Stacey tells us that it’s so great to receive messages from people who don’t know you but are happy to get behind you anyway. Yes I always appreciated it when I got a “did you get home safe?” the next day as well.

TO THE NURSING HOME!

I love that in this series of rampant Nanning, Stacey has decided to make do and mend and quite literally become her own nan. It’s the Blue Peter Tracey Island of nans. Years of actual lived experience vs sticking a doily on your head and calling yourself Doris. She and Kevin are dancing their Charleston to “5ft 2, Eyes Of Blue” and via the magic of wibbly wobbly timey wimey

/Bruno smearing the camera-lens with his pizza fingers again we are transported back to Nana Stacey’s hay-day…

apparently in the same nursing home, given that you can still see all the chairs and tables and telly in the background. As you might expect, this routine is pretty much rampant Stacey. With the notion of refinement and technique and good taste completely out the window, she’s free to go for it, as wild as she likes


with the accompanying faces to match. Forget “bad karaoke with Amy and Katya”, this routine I think most accurately represents the phenomenon of Stacey out on a night out in Blackpool, except she’s possibly a little overdressed. In terms of progress, the lifts are tidier than they have been and she’s getting most of the physical characterisation down, but let’s face it, this was all about Stacey cutting loose and getting the show started with a bang before we devolve into half-rehearsed dances and the judges trying their fourth week in a row of gently levering Lauren out the door.

ALL HAIL NANS!

They wander over to Tess, who reminds Stacey that it was her dream since Week 1 to do the Charleston, and Stacey sighs “AND NAH MY DREAM CAME TRUE TESS!”.

Was it also your dream to have your skin spray-painted the same colour as your hair? Also, hey Davearch, how do you feel about Kevin pointing his enormous derriere, clad in white trousers, directly at you?

Yeah, didn’t think so.

Shirley starts for the judges, hooting that that was an amazing way to open the show and gasping “if there anything you can’t do?”. The cha cha? Getting people’s name right? Volume control? As we’re nearly at the final, and that was a good dance, Bruno’s comments are of course all flailing limbs and yelling about how Stacey is a “sparpling firecracker”, before he apologises for spitting all over everyone. Tess snarks “what’s new?” and yup, there’s someone who’d have the judges seating arrangement changed if she had her druthers.

Craig’s next, and he noticed a distinct lack of swivel from Stacey’s left foot, but he loved it anyway, because it was quirky and eccentric. At this point Evil Moira Ross In A Rainbow Wig, in-between making holiday plans and checking if Simon Cowell has responded yet to her offer to save X Factor for the very reasonably fee of ONE BILLION DOLLARS, buzzes him in the ear and tells him “ok but don’t do ‘the technique was crap but I love you anyway’ for the third dance in a row later otherwise people will get suss”. Darcey closes by telling Stacey that she epitomised the naughty flapper (before twisting the frabjous nuts on the doo-dah engine to engage the fantabulous sparkplugs to get Professor Horatio Hornfluffer’s bojangulous contraption off the ground and save Christmas) and she particularly liked the part where Stacey “slapped the donkey”.

Quite. I’m sure the Daily Express has a headline ready to go on that one as we speak.

Up to Claud 9 they wail, where Stacey struggles to get the interview started because she’s so out of breath. She protests that she’s so unfit and both Kevin and Claudia tell her that her cardio’s come on so far over the series. Claudia promises her that if she opened up the dictionary, and looked under the word “unfit”, she would not see herself. Is Claudia suggesting that the sort of dictionary that Stacey would use would have pictures in it, I’m saying nothing, Claudia did it, not me, no sir. Stacey says that she didn’t mention her immortal love of Charleston til now, because she didn’t want to use it as a vote motivator, because she’s above using irrelevant things like that to gain cheap support from the audience via manipulation. Kevin then immediately crashes in, telling everyone that Stacey was SUPER NERVOUS tonight because she was on first guys so EVERYONE GIVE HER LOTS MORE VOTES. Lol. Scores are in

39

Next up, our Terms & Conditions poll and it’s Huw Edwards stepping up to the bat. My favourite part is that Janette hears “Huw Edwards”, stares at the curtain eagerly

and then very noisily says “OH!” and covers her mouth, because she was clearly envisioning somebody else. Do you think she thought they’d got Hugh Jackman? Hugh Grant? What’s realistic here?

Joe Sugg & Dianne Buswell dancing the Viennese Waltz

Now, if you were happy that the rampant shipping hadn’t yet bled into the content of the dances then…sorry, we’re at the semi-finals, all the weapons are coming out tonight. Tess tells us that as the last man standing, Joe is determined to DO IT FOR THE BOYS tonight. As much as he did

this night Tess?

Training now, and here’s Joe’s face when Dianne tells him that he’s the last man standing

oh my God he so hadn’t noticed you guys, he thought “last man standing” was a cricket position, honest! Joe announces that that is an achievement in itself. That and making the semi-finals of something for the first time ever in his life ever, the notches on his CV are just racking up. Dianne tells us that this week they’ve got the Viennese Waltz, which is absolutely nothing like the waltz, honest, it’s really technical and difficult, SO different, particularly the DREADED FLECKERL DUNN DUNN DERRRRRRN. Joe says that he’s struggling indeed with the fleckerl and

can you believe that they spent the first half of this series running jokes around the fact that this man here “looks like he’s 12”? I know you have to factor in universal late-series haggardness to a degree but goodness gracious me. We then, because Joe is of course hurting in his day to day life for messages from complete strangers blowing smoke up his hole, move on to the video messages from all Joe’s fans

yup, looks about right to me. Joe says that it’s so great getting video messages of support, because online you only ever see screen-names and never pictures of the people who like you. Not of their faces anyway. BrightonBoi89, looking at you particularly there. Stop sending those messages.

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

SHIPPER POWERS! ACTIVATE! Oh, and the smoke machines, at the same time, use both available plug sockets, unplug Bruno’s foot spa if you have to. Joe and Dianne are dancing the Viennese Waltz to “This Year’s Love” by David Grey and let’s get a close-up on those romantic faces.

Yeah, not really happening is it? Oh well, they tried. It’s very “the two in the friendship group who aren’t dating but also don’t really like one another end up going to Prom together out of expedience”, especially on her part. Maybe it’s supposed to be a doomed romance? Between the fog roiling in off the sea and the constant

lurching from side to side I’m getting a bit of a Titanic vibe here, I don’t know about you. It’s hard to tell if Joe’s footwork is right because of all the smoke (and let’s face it, I wouldn’t have a clue either) but I do know a Viennese Waltz is supposed to be fairly flat and Joe is bobbing and rocking here like your nan doing Auld Lang Syne. It’s a shame, because after that run of waltz-foxtrot-gap to go to Glastonbury Pride – quickstep run I was hoping Dianne was going to do great things with him in the more dramatic ballroom dances in the run up to the final but noep

not even this final kiss fake-out, I’m not buying it sis. Looks like he’s checking her make-up for eye goop.

They go over to Tess, who is of course full on blathering away about the romance and the chemistry and IS AUNTIE TESS GONNA HAVE TO BUY A HAT and Joe looks like

very much not. I’m guessing Joe’s PR was…slightly less in favour of this one than Mollie’s PR was back in the day. Bruno starts for the judges, calling Joe “irresistible and adorable” and saying he loved the chemistry between him and Dianne, and then goes on to french Shirley.

I honestly am getting more heat off Bruno and Shirley’s keypads than I did off that dance. They’re so close yet…not quite touching. Feel the tension. Hey Shirley’s keypad, Bruno’s keypad just gave that an 8, wanna see it, wanna touch it? If I show you my score will you show me yours? Bruno loved the romance but thought there was too much rise and fall (DO YOU THINK?) and it lost rotation as a result. Craig follows, saying that there was indeed too much rise and fall, so much in fact that it resembled a normal waltz, which as we all know is very very different indeed from a Viennese Waltz, and said it was all too over-exaggerated and rigid.

Speaking of rigid and over-exaggerated

can someone tell Darcey that the “Dynasties” currently airing on BBC1 is about the animal kingdom, it’s not a reboot, they’re not going to cast her as Alexis Carrington-Colby, she can lower the shoulder pads a degree? She goes on to tell Joe that that was under-par compared to what they expect of him in ballroom, his right shoulder kept creeping up, and his rotation wasn’t continuous and evenly-paced. Meanwhile in the audience

Schafernacker sadly ponders how he could have been Last Man Standing EASY in this cast if he’d bothered auditioning, damnit. He’d get continuous rotation! Shirley closes by saying yup, sorry, Fred Astaire’s Widow’s plane tickets have been cancelled sorry Joe, your ballroom’s parp now. Your footwork was fine but your natural turns were a state. We’re no longer purchasing the rights to music for Swing Time for your showdance, sorry, it’ll have to be based around The Emoji Movie.

Up to Claud 9 they wobble, where Claudia tells them immediately that she thought the chemistry was magical and she loved how they touched noses at the end. This is less a ship, more a little tug boat isn’t it? Poop poop. Joe then goes on to talk about how he found the Viennese Waltz really hard considering it’s ballroom and he’s a BALLROOM BOY, and then it’s revealed that Joe has been falling asleep in the training room wearing his ballroom shoes a lot. And nothing else. Scores are in

29. Joe is disappointed, Darcey is worried, Dianne is pugnacious, Janette is shocked, Gorka…thinks it’s hilarious.

Ashley Roberts & Pasha Kovalev dancing the paso doble

Ah yes, the half-Dougal. A classic woman’s haircut. Tess reminds us that Ashley has had a tough week, being in two dance-offs in a row, but Pasha’s been there to support her every step of the way. Did he also comfort Charles through his two dance-offs in a row? Not from a fairness angle, I just want to know if there’s footage.

VT time and

so begins a whole episode of Pasha being chivalrous I’m melting already. He tells her that he knows that Saturday night was tough for her, but she handled it very very well. I’d handle it ver[PUNCHLINE REDACTED]. Sorry, excuse me, my ovaries are going into overdrive here. I’m sure it’s just to distract me from

amazing overblown editing feats like this. Did someone fall asleep face-first ONTO the editing desk here? Ashley for her part says that it was difficult being in the dance-off for the second week in a row but gosh gee she’s still going to come back fighting you betcha (*twitch twitch*).

Training now and

are they not bothering to put make-up on these people in VTs any more or is there gastric flu going around good grief. Pasha tells us that in this paso doble, he will be playing the role of the matador, and Ashley will be playing the role of the cape. Thanks Pasha! Ashley whirls about telling us how she’s really trying to get into the role of Fierce Queen for the dance, and then quickly it’s time for them too to sit down and for Ashley to bask in messages of support from all the people rooting for her.

Ah. Erm…

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Ashley and Pasha are dancing to “Spectrum” by Florence & The Toaster, meaning that we are officially on our third routine in a row now tonight used by a previous top 2 finisher, and we’ve still got Ramps’ samba to come. I’d say that this was them trying to test if our semi-finalists are of a suitable standard to podium, but let’s face it, it’s laziness. The drums kick in and I’m so glad that Amy went to do that segment on It Takes Two this week to tell us how they do magical wonderful, in no way ridiculous and pretentious and awful, special effects like this

In case you forgot, nerds do it. On computers.

Anyway I have to say that I was not a massive fan of this performance, mostly because it was far too thrashy and spasmodic. She’s spending lots of flapping around twitching her arms around like a cross between Kate Bush in the video for Wuthering Heights and a baby drag queen trying to Vogue for the first time




and some of the choreography is frankly bizarre. This bit in particular

looks like she’s pushing Pasha’s muffintop back in over his waistband. Maybe if this was September… When she’s in hold with Pasha she gets some nice arching going with her back and she’s certainly putting her back into it but it’s very much not for me, this. She’s just being left to run around the dancefloor like a deflating dirigible for too much of it, and oddly enough, for someone who’s in the BUSSYCAT DOLLS (as Alan Dedicoat says it every week) I’ve not really been convinced by PASSIONATE ASHLEY once

I guess she really is just too apple pie and gee golly gosh.

Once it’s over, Pasha’s Chivalry Engines kick in again,

and he walks her to the centre of the floor to take a bow. H’rnk. Once he’s done full on A Star Is Born’ing her about the paddock, Craig starts for the judges, saying that he really admired Ashley’s ferocity and passion there, and the only problem he could see was her losing her balance in the end-pose. I mean she did take a massive step after the music had ended but…hey remember when Patrick completely fucked up his final lift into the end-pose but Darcey had already given him a 10 so they had to pretend there was a rule that end-poses didn’t count? Happy days. Darcey next, saying that she too loved the drama and intent, but she found it all too busy and frantic

NOT AGAIN!

Shirley’s next, saying that she didn’t see whatever balance problem Craig did, and then Pasha immediately breaks in to say that there was a problem, but it was him, all him, he stumbled, Ashley was doing her best to keep him upright, but she just couldn’t do it, he ruined it, he’s so sorry. Well now I think I’m pregnant. Shirley liked it technically but felt there could have been more passion – Ashley could have got CLOSER in to Pasha, and her arms could have been MORE exaggerated at points. Bruno closes, with another Pop Girl Dramatic Reading

literally in this case, as you can see him actually looking at his words on his notepad the whole time. Put your back into it Bruno Jesus Christ, your whole thing is spontaneity. Anyway, Ashley was a fire angel storming around the dancefloor, straight out of Mad Max, with the power of three packets of monster munch, a Diet Coke, a packet of roll-ups and some paper towels for when I’m coming down.

Up to Claud 9 they flame, where Ashley talks about how dispiriting she found it being in the bottom 2 twice in a row. Eep. Still at least this time her mum will be here to support her

that’s something, I guess? Ashley says that whilst it’s been difficult trying to cram two dances into one week, they have at least allowed her to show off the yin and than yang of her personality. Maybe…just stick with the yang in future, we all have parts of our personality we should probably keep hidden, nobody needs to see me trying to be angry in public it’s like the Bunton Paso Face but as a whole human. Scores are in

36

Lauren Steadman & AJ Pritchard dancing the tango

I think I like this opening pose more than the actual dance, cast these two as Charles and Camilla in a big-screen adaptation of The Secret History to be honest. Maybe have all the…verbal acting dubbed over by professional actors though. Maybe CGI the faces up a bit as well. Tess reminds us that last week, Lauren got her highest score yet, with the American Smooth, but can she keep up this standard with her two dances tonight.

No she can’t.

VT time now and I think my peak moment of liking Lauren this series came when AJ opened this VT by delivering a dramatic monologue about how overwhelming it is to be in the semi-final and to get everyone’s love and support and about how Lauren has worked so hard and truly deserves it and she had

this face on her the whole time. She confesses that she’s mostly just pooping herself over the fact that she’s got to do the tango and the samba (ie not a waltz). She is marginally less poopy over doing a tango so there’s that. After some dancing around, we move right into the messages from all of AJ & Lauren’s fans

“OH MY GOD HI AJ WE LOVE YOU, WELL DONE ON WINNING CELEBRITY RUNNING AWAY FOR BALL CANCER! WE WERE SO MAD WHEN THOSE CHASERS WERE RUDE TO CURTIS, SO GLAD YOU SHOWED THEM WHAT’S WHAT!!!”

“OH MY GOD HI AJ, LOVED YOU ON CELEBRITY COOKING, LISA MAXWELL WAS SOOOOOOOO ANNOYING HOW DID YOU PUT UP WITH IT, CAN’T BELIEVE THAT STEFANIE REID BEAT YOU AS WELL WHEN SHE NEVER EVEN MADE A PIE AND YOU WERE ALL TOLD TO MAKE A PIE, I CALLED OFCOM, I’D TASTE YOUR CUSTARD ANY DAY!”

“HI AJ, I BOUGHT ALL YOUR CALENDARS AND I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING LOTS OF USE OF THE 2019 ONE OVER THE COMING YEAR IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN HURR HURR”

“HI AJ, THOUGHT YOU AND CHLOE WERE JUST MAGIC ON BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ELIMINATED FROM THE PIMP SLOT IN THAT SEMI FINAL FOR FRANCINE BLOODY LEWIS, I MEAN DID YOU HEAR HER IMPRESSIONS, NONE OF THEM SOUNDED BUGGER ALL LIKE THE PERSON THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE, SHE HAD TO SAY THEIR NAME AT THE START OF EACH ONE, RUBBISH!”

“HI AJ, JUST WANNA ASK IF YOU AND MOLLIE STILL SPEAK WE STILL THINK YOU’D MAKE AN AMAZING COUPLE, WE ALL STILL BELIEVE, HERE, WE MADE A SPECIAL SCRAPBOOK OF ALL THE BEST MOLLIE AND AJ MOMENT AND IF YOU SNIFF IT YOU’LL FIND IT SMELLS LIKE LOVE HEARTS, WHICH WE KNOW ARE MOLLIE’S FAVOURITE SWEETS FROM WHEN WE BROKE INTO HER HOTE…FROM AN INTERVIEW WE READ WITH HER TEE HEE!”

“Hi Lauren, as a sportswoman myself I really admire how inspirational and tenacious and inspiring and role-modely you have been on this year’s Strictly and OH MY GOD DO YOU THINK I COULD HAVE AJ’S NUMBER, HE’S SO FIT!!!”

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Lauren and AJ are dancing their tango to “Nutbush City Limits” which has not been danced to by a finalist on the show before but WAS the basis of a skanktacular jive from Claire King so, if anything, she’s got even more to live up to here, and to her credit, she doesn’t do a terrible job. She’s absolutely

hate-facing the life out of AJ (I feel like if they’d somehow managed to create a waltz where you could look goth and angry, that’s where Lauren would have got her 10s) and she looks reasonably comfortable in hold and moving about the floor. The main problems as far as I can tell is that even in ickle kitten heels she doesn’t seem terribly well-balanced and she keeps on missing the little triangle “dings” in the music that AJ has used as cues for her to head-swivel, so we get a few thrown in at random and a

patented DJ Spoony moment late on in the routine where she’s head-swiveling completely out of whack with him. Also AJ has

incorporated Argentine Tango elements to the routine, and God knows why because it was one of her lower scores the first go out.

I dunno, good job, I actually think she could easily have beaten Joe if they’d found themselves in the dance-off together, so that’s something.

They wander over to Tess, giggling the whole way about something or other (bet it was the head swivel that went wrong) and then Darcey starts by saying that it all started really well, but she felt Lauren lost her impetus in the second half and everything got a bit soft and ill-defined. LOL you wait til her samba Darce, that was nothing. The audience (very) mildly boo Darcey so she pulls a Bond Villain face

and purrs “I’m getting thingy because it’s the semi-final”, all proud of herself. WATCH OUT GUYS, DARCEY’S GETTING THINGY! Shirley’s next, saying that Lauren did a good job keeping in character throughout, and did a beautiful throwaway oversway but she noticed her getting out of-sync with AJ in terms of head swivels towards the end.

Bruno follows, saying that Lauren scared him tonight, with her most grown-up and mature performance yet. Bruno finding maturity terrifying, who could have guessed?! He thinks that she did break character at points though, and that sort of thing always takes away from the enjoyment of the performance. I dunno Bruno, you breaking character in the Lindathon judging was the best bit. Craig closes by calling it all pedestrian, flat-footed, and stiff, and he thinks that she should have made more of a V shape. How celebrities don’t IMMEDIATELY give Craig the Churchill fingers any time he gives that critique I do not know, it must be so tempting.

Up to Claud 9 they bustle and barely five words are out of Claudia’s mouth before AJ’s yapping away, saying that he’s going to take only the positives from those comments and he’s so proud that Lauren came out and gave it her everything tonight on the dancefloor. I love that he’s now not even bothering to wait for the question to finish before he talks over Lauren’s answers. Claudia then rambles on about nothing and Lauren closes this segment out by saying that it’s an honour to be here AND IT’S NEARLY CHRISTMAS! This whole segment man, I have no idea. Scores are in

31. AJ beams that he’s very happy with that score, and then Claudia reminds them that they’ve still got samba to come!

Quite.

Faye From Steps & Giovanni Pernice dancing the samba

Tess reminds us that last week, Faye scored her first perfect 40 of the series with her Charleston, and wonders if she’ll be able to match that high tonight.

No she won’t. God these quiz questions are getting easier, DO A HARD ONE!

VT time, and we run very quickly through all of Faye’s 10s last week, and Faye says that it was the peak of her Strictly Experience so far. Before now it was the quickstep, when she got to pretend to be Olivia Newton John, but she got a yeast infection from that catsuit so WE HAVE A NEW WINNER GUYS, THE GOATS WAS IT! We move from there quickly into samba training, which Faye is not enjoying, not one little bit, but she knows she has to commit to because this is it! This is the last push!

Beat Ashley Roberts up this week, and even though we’ll never know which of them did better in the final, everyone will SAY IT WAS ME, FAYE FROM STEPS! MWAHAHAHAHAHAH! VICTORY WILL BE MINE! She knows she can do this, but there’s always that little voice in her head saying she can’t.

Sorry Faye, is this Tragedy or Last Thing On My Mind? They are very similar.

From here it’s time for some very special messages from Faye’s biggest fans

HI FAYE FROM THE STEPS, IT’S CLAIRE FROM STEPS, JUST CALLING IN TO TELL YOU TO GO OUT THERE AND NAIL THE SAMBA FOR ALL OF THE FROM STEPS FAMILY!

HI FAYE FROM STEPS, IT’S H FROM STEPS, SORRY I CAN’T BE THERE WITH YOU, BUT I WAS DOWN THE CHIPPY AND WHO DID I BUMP INTO BUT PETE WATERMAN, HE’S PUTTING TOGETHER A TRIBUTE ACT TO B*WITCHED, AND I’M IN REHEARSALS TO PLAY THE EDELE, KISSES TO YOU FAYE, AND IF YOU DON’T WIN…JUST SAY ‘C’EST LA VIE” AND BLAME IT ON THE WEATHERMAN BECAUSE LIFE TRULY IS A ROLLERCOASTER!

HI FAYE FROM STEPS, IT’S LISA FROM STEPS AKA LISA SCOTT LEE, MEDIA MOGUL AND OFFICIALLY B LISTED AT CAPITAL! JUST CALLING TO WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK, AND TO SAY THAT IF YOU COULD PUT A WORD IN WITH WHOEVER THE NEW PRODUCER IS GONNA BE THAT’D BE GREAT, BECAUSE I’M SURE WE’D BOTH AGREE THAT I WAS A GREAT FRIEND LETTING YOU DO STRICTLY BEFORE ME, JUST LIKE I LET YOU SING LEAD ON ALL THE TWO STEPS SONGS THAT CLAIRE FROM STEPS WASN’T LEAD ON, BUT LET’S FACE IT, IT’S MY TURN! SAY HI TO BENJAMIN FROM AUNTIE LISA KISSES!

HI LEE FROM STEPS IT’S LEE FROM STEPS NO WAIT I’M LEE FROM STEPS YOU’RE FAYE FROM STEPS LET’S START THIS AGAIN HI FAYE FROM STEPS MY SHIRT FELL OFF HELLO HOW DO YOU TURN THIS THING ON HELLO HELLO MUM IT’S NOT WORKING GOOD LUCK ON STRICTLY LISA SAYS TO TELL YOU SHE SHOULD BE ON IT NEXT YEAR CAN I COME TO YOUR HOUSE FOR CHRISTMAS I DON’T WANNA GO TO H’S HOUSE AGAIN IT SMELLS FUNNY IF YOU’VE NOT BOUGHT PRESENTS YET CAN I HAVE A GIFT CARD FOR AMAZON I KNOW WHAT I LIKE I’LL BUY IT MYSELF HOW DO YOU TURN THIS THING OFF I’M DONE RECORDING NOW I NEED A POO.

Faye thanks everyone for their fabulous messages of support and then

gets all wibble-mad-eyed at Giovanni. I hope all of their finale VTs are just this shot, held for 40 seconds each time, wordlessly. Art.

TO RIO!

So if you’re wondering why Bruno was the one judge to mark Faye higher than Ashley all evening, here you go. He loves a bit of one-on-one attention. Faye and Giovanni are dancing their samba to “I Go To Rio” which, yes, Ramps danced to that, let’s have ANOTHER POLL.

From Bruno’s little corner, Faye then moves out and up onto a latin podium modelled in the shape of some South American steps basically

just to show off her legs, and who can blame her. They then move down the steps and onto the floor in order to

show off her legs some more. I think the problem here is that, like with her tango, they picked out all the best bits of this to show as training footage on It Takes Two and then they turned up on the night and…those were the highlights yes, and danced not quite as well as it seems like they were going to be. You can see Giovanni’s tried his best to camp and kitsch this up as best he can with the choreography, but a lot of it just looks like she’s walking about. It’s just not very bouncy and not very energetic. It feels a bit like Faye’s not landed herself on her favourite show on tv, performing for her life, watching some Bussycat Doll soak up the ringah backlash she might have got in another year, but instead fell on her Butlins Redcoat Destiny. That is

except in the rolls, where she gets a look on her face like she’s getting a buzz in every orifice at once. Those, she enjoys, and does rather well. Like, it looks like Giovanni’s not only gone to Rio but made sure to make a full dredge of her Amazon and tickled her Brasilias on the way.

Did Stacey Dooley just win this first round for me? She might have, don’t judge me.

They go over to the judges, where Shirley starts for the judges saying that Faye did a really good job there, and Shirley in particular loved her samba rolls and her bounce, but thinks the dance lacked flow and that Faye needed to pivot on her feet more. Pivots in samba, don’t get me over-excited Shirley. Bruno then leaps to his feet screaming that he could PARTY ALL NIGHT! You know full well that if Bruno wasn’t…wind-assisted by Pixie Sticks he’d be asleep by 10:15pm max. He congratulates Faye on a great dance, packed with content.

Craig’s next, requesting more hip action in her voltas. Only half of her voltas were bouncy, says Craig. Maybe it was because she was trying to bounce her voltas and turn them at the same time, who knows love, but he’s knocking a mark off for lop-sided bouncing in her voltas. Darcey then closes with something about how joyous and fun it was and blah blah blah I’m frankly too distracted by

the sight of Chizzy in the audience next to Schafernaker WIELDING A GREAT BIG FAN. Does this elevate to her joint best ever first boot with Stephanie Beacham it doesn’t NOT, I’ll tell you for that much.

Up to Claud 9 they boing, where Claudia tells us all that Faye has consistently called samba her biggest challenge so far and Faye gets a demonic look in her eye and announces that Samba can go

jump in the sea and I swear, despite knowing consciously that she didn’t, part of me actually heard the words “fuck itself” come out of Faye’s mouth here, and won’t be convinced otherwise. Faye then announces that as soon as the show’s off air, she’s going to take her latin shoes WHICH SHE HATES and then SET FIRE TO THEM so…those of you hoping for a rumba reprise shouldn’t get your hopes up I’m guessing. Scores are in

37. Craig is ADDICTED to messing with Faye’s head with his comments before high-scoring her, I love it.

HALFWAY LEADERBOARD?

THERE IT IS!

Stacey Dooley & Kevin Clifton dancing the Viennese Waltz

Not to be rude about Lisa Lisa, but they’ve had half an hour to run a comb through that. Tess tells us that this is it, this is the one, fifteen weeks of training, performing, bonding, laughing and striving have all come down to this. And then they will again, next week. And they kind of did last week as well But, y’know…erm…SEMI FINALS!

Judges Holodeck time now, which if you’re unfamiliar with the show or have forgotten, is the VT where all the judges sit around a desk and watch the celebs perform via hologram and take us through their strengths and weaknesses. They probably did it in 3D in Series 9 if your tv had the capacity. Rest assured that as it’s this year

yes, the editing team have gone to town on the split-screen and the fades and the graphics. First up is Stacey Dooley

Pros : understands the core of every dance, particularly if they involve shouting ; surprise factor ; listens to the judges ; magical connection with Kevin ; did a memorable paso and jive, two of the key dances for winning over the Strictly audience
Cons : too wild ; too untamed ; starts to eat her own hair if left unguarded ; weak core (guess which of the judges said this, no, go on, guess) ; imperfect knowledge of the names of 90s sitcom characters ; pissed off Gloria Estefan

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Love that we so NEARLY got a dance with no tut cluttering up the dancefloor but nope, giant pink clattering chandelier curtains there marvellous. Kevin and Stacey are dancing to “You Are My World” by Cilla Black, but thankfully, not being sung by Cilla Black. It’s easy to forget that Cilla Black has some really great songs in her repertoire, when they’re not being sung by someone who sounds like a cat having their tonsils scraped. Unless you’re Dionne Warwick obviously. She remembers. She always remembers. Glad that they’re leaning into Stacey’s resemblance to Cilla here, although it really only comes out fully when she’s gurny-grinning and

she’s being serious romantic sombre Stacey here. The routine takes a bit of time to establish a mood and again, as with most of her ballroom dances, I don’t think soft and romantic is really Stacey’s vibe.

This bit looks like she and Kevin are patting one another down for packets of cocaine at customs and excise to be honest and it bears repeating that, for all that Kevin has blocked this so we get lens flare in our face at the crucial moment

she don’t go down easy. Once we get to the first chorus (almost a minute in) someone remembers this is supposed to be a Viennese Waltz so

WEE, AWAY WE GO! You are allowed to trim the verses down a bit Kevin, they can do arrangements to suit. Stacey wheels around the floor

elbow RIGHT out like she’s hoping to Ben Hur clart someone in a rigathon, and I love when Kevin goes full schmaltz in ballroom, I loved it with Susanna, I even loved it with LOUISE, but I don’t think Stacey can bear the weight of it I’m sorry, I do not think she is that sort of girl, I bet she thinks it’s dumb, you can do all the climactic pivots you like Kevin, I’m not buying it.

If her ballroom shoes went on the same bonfire as Faye’s latin shoes, I would not object.

They make their way over to Tess, where Stacey bends over and makes a noise like someone sticking a fork in an extractor fan. Are we sure about her not being under “unfit” in the dictionary guys, can we just check again? Tess asks Bruno if Stacey has done enough to be in the final and four or five audience members spontaneously shout “YES!” and

this right here is where Kevin Clifton convinces himself this year he’s going to win. I’m not one for palm-reading Kevin, because it’s usually very “THAT KEVIN CLIFTON, SMUG TWAT, THINKS HE’S GOT IN THE BAG” but…you’re not persuading me he doesn’t think this is 99% of the way into the bag, not after that face. Bruno calls Stacey wholesome and genuine and exquisite in hold, but tells her that she knows what he’s going to say – her free arm is still a state. Stacey honks away that she must be ARD OF EARIN’ she’s been told so many times and it’s still not sunk in and I do wonder if it’s possible to send oneself deaf. Anyway, she says she’ll work on it. Craig’s next and he says that the routine was basically an American Smooth and calls Kevin a cheat. Here is a FULL RANGE of the faces Kevin pulls at this






not quite the full Debbie McGee when she heard about the 10 Second Rule, but a large range there.

Darcey’s next, and she says that she liked it, because it was charming and had a lovely understated quality and excuse me I just snorted so hard I dislodged a whole month’s worth of phlegm. She did notice however, Stacey using her elbow as a deadly weapon, and she really doesn’t need to, we’re not in Iraq looking confused at ISIS members now Stacey, you can lower your guard. Shirley closes by saying basically that she’s giving it a 10 because there was no gapping. Semi finals marking ladies and gents.

Up to Claud 9 they sprint, where Stacey claims to be calm tonight, and just lying back and enjoying the semi-finals of Strictly. I guess that is easier to do when you scored 39 for your first dance yes. Claudia then asks Kevin to give a little speech about how Stacey deserves to be in the final, and he says that they’ve been watching their earlier dances back, like their quickstep and cha cha

and he’s amazed how far she’s come. I love Oti, Katya, and Anton’s collective confusion that anyone would watch that cha cha back by choice. Of course the obvious way to show us all how far she’s come is to reprise one of those dances in the final, I’m sure they’ll pick one for Couples Choice. Kevin praises Stacey for putting in 14 hour days, only some of which were spent lodged in a vicar’s window screeching “WHAT M’A LIIIIIIIKE?”. Scores are in

36. I mean, when even Bruno’s a bit “… you sure hun?”, you might want to reconsider

Joe Sugg & Dianne Buswell dancing the Argentine Tango

I’m saying when we’ve already seen you wearing a cap to do a waltz to The Rainbow Connection set in a twinkly enchanted hollow, it’s a bit hard to then re-purpose it to play a psycho killer no matter how much you might be biting your gums to try to give yourself cheekbones.

TO THE HOLODECK!

Pros : another complete novice on a jurnee ; visible improvement ; the power of Fred Astaire (tarting around on a giant light up keyboard to Barry Manilow) at Blackpool ; risk-taker ; zombie army horde of fangirls willing to buy an £80 advent calendar with only 12 doors if his sister tells them to
Cons : not capable of conveying passion or sensuality ; lacks maturity ; some of the risks he has taken amount to 90 seconds of faffing about with a basketball ; will fall over if the producers turn the aircon on too high ; all of the others have well-established pros with powerful fangirl zombie armies of their own – he has…thingy with the red hair?

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Joe and Dianne are dancing to “Red Right Hand” by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, which feels a lot less like a really outre song-choice when you remember that it’s the theme tune to Peaky Blinders and this is yet another BBC 1 tie-in. I wish the show had just let the song be and not tied it so directly to the show, partly because it means I wouldn’t have had to hear Joe say “Birmingham” in a terrible attempt at the accent earlier, and partly because the routine wouldn’t then have

started like him flicking his Kermit hat around like a “deadly weapon” (/like a wasp got into the studio). I had an idea that Joe attempting to be a blood-steeped murderer might be hilarious and

here we are. You ain’t no Cillian Murphy babes. Aw

look at him giving Dianne a little tummy-tickle, bless. The obvious problem here is that Joe just doesn’t really have confidence in what he’s doing. Mark Ramprakash sold an Argentine Tango back in Series 4 where he basically did nothing but stand still and glower at Karen Hardy because frankly, and pardon my language, but he looked like a guy who knew how to diddle a woman. Joe


looks like he’d have problems getting the condom on, particularly in the lifts. The choreography does its best to try to find an angle where Joe comes across as a super-stud (HERE COME THE

NOSTRIL INSPECTORS!) but honestly I think they would have had to have gone the full post-watershed Debbie McGee “genuinely snogging” route here to pull this one off, rather than the

“oh no we just got a static shock at the exact same time” route. If you’re going to bait the shippers, throw some raw meat into the water not this measly handful of mealworms.

That would have got screams, this got some anaemic woos and half a whistle.

Over to the judges where she gurns that Joe is “ALL GROWN UP” like she’s The Daily Mail and Charlotte Church just hit 16 all over again. Except that Joe will be 30 before the decade is over, and is giggling about how he’s got hat hair. She also calls it a “treat for Peaky Blinders fans” because yes, I’m sure the crossover between appreciating try hard murder-grue mafia drama and a Youtuber flapping a hat about on Strictly is HUGE.

Craig starts for the judges, saying that it was all too stompy, Joe was picking his feet up far too much, and it didn’t look like he was leading the dance at any point. Tess then pipes up to say that it’s much harder for the men to lead the dance and…I don’t know where to go with that, she’s been here 16 series now, if she doesn’t get it, she doesn’t get it. Darcey follows and just bibbles about his lack of core strength. Yeah, two dances per celebrity, you run out of things to say to and about these people, I get it. Upshot is that she thought that Dianne danced all of that by herself and he was mostly actively impeding her instead of helping.

Shirley then says that “taste is debatable” (and how) so she wants to talk about what Joe did well. It mostly seems to be “some of the choreography was complicated, and you were near it”. At one point she congratulates him on being there for a lift like…did he have to come in from Peterborough Shirley, they were right next to one another for most of the dance. Bruno closes by yelling that there’s not a bad bone in Joe’s body. He doesn’t ask if he’d like one, which surprises me. Maybe Joe’s not the only one growing up before our eyes. He does tell Joe that it could have done with a bit more aggression, and that when you do the Argentine Tango, you have to think like a cat. Absolutely here for an Argentine Tango where someone just sits at the judges desk meowing until someone puts some Tasty Treats down.

Up to Claud 9 they slash, where Joe says that that was one of his favourite dances so far. Ok. As Shirley said “taste is debatable”. Dianne is asked for her stump speech, and she says that Joe should be in the final because “hes gone from zero to my dance hero”. Or in real scores terms, from a combined total of 31 + 27 = 58 on the first leaderboard of the series to

30 + 29 = 59 on this one. WHAT A JOURNEY (of one whole point).

Ashley Roberts & Pasha Kovalev dancing the American Smooth

Ah yes, the Droopy Princess Leia, a classic woman’s haircut.

TO THE HOLODECK AGAIN!

Pros : the whole dancing thing ; attacks every dance like a laser-guided missile ; strength and flexibility ; capable of winkling Craig’s 10 paddle out of its hidey-hole ; is pretty much the only celebrity this year who can do lifts without accidentally homiciding their dance partner
Cons : lack of connection with the public; attacks every dance like a laser-guided missile ; messy latin ; is more of a JAZZ dancer than a BALLROOM dancer ; has about as many phrases in her interview playbook as a water-damaged pull-string Action Man

TO THE DRIVE-IN!

OK, Pasha and Ashley are dancing to “Ain’t That A Kick In The Head”, and I’ll get my one main criticism of this routine out of the way now – the car is pointless and just gets in the way. They could easily be sat on a picnic blanket for this opening, and there’s a bit towards the end where she gets up on the bonnet and…a car bonnet is just not a suitable surface for dancing on, ever. Not you, not me, not Lauren Steadman in a Fame themed cha cha and not even Ashley Roberts. Otherwise?



This is just glam, as much as Strictly can ever really truly be said to be glam, on its BBC budget with Jason Gilkison at the helm. We’ve already established that, unless you operate under the exacting standards of a Chloe Hewitt, Ashley can foxtrot, and it’s all embellished here with lots of light comic touches, smooth as anything, and with lifts mostly tossed off like they’re nothing (there’s one in the middle that’s a bit…Johannes and Joe but we can’t have everything). There’s one near the end which is truly ridiculous, just Ashley getting all the way up there all

“blow this core strength out your cornhole Darcey Bussell!”. I’m not sure what Pasha’s got planned for the showdance (on past evidence, nothing good) but if this is Ashley’s last hurrah on the show then there are certainly worse ways to go out.

It gets a good reception, most particularly from

the Supreme herself, who gives it a full fist pump. That’s her girl. Darcey starts for the judges, praising how balletic it all was, particularly in the lifts. You know when Darcey brings out the “balletic” you can pretty much punch the 10 in there and then, it’s kind of her thing. Shirley follows by calling it a perfect balance of American Smooth style and foxtrot technique, Bruno calls it an American Splendor and Craig just gives it the old

American teen movie climax slow clap. Once you’ve seen him prostrate himself before Debbie McGee, this stuff does kind of lose its impact (sorry, third Debbie reference of the week and I promised I’d stop, my bad).

Up to Claud 9 they elevate, where Claudia says to Pasha that he must have been mad putting those lifts in, because they looked so hard! Pasha says that they WERE hard Claudia yes, and that was the point! Might want to pretend there was some artistic merit in there beyond showing off Pasha, but cool. He says that after the last few difficult weeks, they wanted to try something ambitious that would be really uplifting, and Ashley has truly taught him to never give up and to always keep going. Yeah Caroline Flack with your ONE dance-off, you don’t know the meaning of rejection. His speech to get Ashley to the final touches on her love for dance, the passion he can see in her eyes, how she’s everything he wants as a professional dancer on the show and also

my ovaries collapsing on themselves like a dying star until they obtain the density of the entire universe. Scores are in

40.

Lauren Steadman & AJ Pritchard dancing the samba

Now remember guys, AJ may be very stern and intimidating and hard-nosed, but Lauren told us all on the Results Show that he’s got the heart of a Labrador puppy made of marshmallows, I know it’s hard to believe, but she’s the one who spends all day with him.

TO THE HOLODECK

Pros – power of a SPORTSWOMAN ; waltzes ; determination ; waltzes ; strong teacher-pupil relationship with AJ ; waltzes ; looks great as a Goth ; waltzes
Cons – no performance skills ; lacking in rhythm ; lacking in balance ; hasn’t managed to get more than about 5 words out in interview all series ; most of the dances that aren’t waltzes

TO THE BOAT!

The Lady Lauren? It’s no “The Lovely Debbie McGee” is it (oh shit I did it again). Sadly at no point does Lauren use her hulkish SPORTSWOMAN strength to actually tip the boat over, that would have been amazing. Instead they just samba which…how are we here with AJ in this position another year. Three years in a row now he’s left his partner’s weakest latin for the semi-final and three years in a row now they’ve gone home after trainwrecking it up a bit (the memory of Cloudia’s superlative quickstep really has overshadowed that rumba, don’t watch it, don’t ruin your memories of her). It’s alright whilst they’re on the boat, with some nice bobbing and spinning about, although (and I know comparing her directly to Faye is exactly what the show wants me to do and also what I shouldn’t do but)


the samba rolls throughout not only don’t look like AJs taken her to Rio, they look like he booked the wrong tickets and accidentally went up her Macchu Picchu. Once they’re on the floor though, it all goes to pot. She goes off on the wrong foot, when she has to really travel around the floor she loses any energy she’s giving the routine beyond that, and then we get a patented

“I DON’T BLOODY KNOW AJ, DO I DO A FRERE JACQUES OR A COCKROACH HERE, HELP ME OUT” moment, right in front of the camera, which has the usual escape route

MINDLESS SHIMMYING! We all love a mindless shimmy. Let’s zoom in closer

ah yeah, that’s the stuff, right there. Sadly from there Lauren doesn’t really get the routine back particularly strongly, and then she and AJ collapse in a cackling heap at the end

We love a trainwreck with a sense of humour about itself. At least they went out interesting.

They walk over to the judges (and not to count, but it’s the one routine all evening that doesn’t get a standing ovation) where Shirley starts by telling them they certainly have a larger-than-life partnership. I feel like Lauren & AJ are pretty much exactly the same size as life, if not a little bit smaller, like, 5%, nothing major but still. Anywho, as much as she thinks Lauren is a super girl, there were too many mistakes in that routine for personally her, most particularly the fact that Lauren repeatedly went off on the wrong foot. Bruno follows, and gives one of those critiques that can probably best be summed up as “well done for not dying”.

Craig’s next, saying that it’s a shame that it went wrong, but he feels like Lauren could have covered it up via overacting. Did you not SEE the mindless shimmying Craig, I would have watched 90 seconds of that. Darcey closes by saying that Lauren is a really inspiring lady and then

pretty much rolls her eyes at herself? I do think there is a Whamageddon style “Support Lauren without using the word ‘inspiring’ ” Challenge that’s down to about three people left standing for sure. Darcey goes on to say that unfortunately, when the couples have to do two dances in one week, often one dance suffers, and she thinks that was the case here. I…urge you to watch some of Lauren’s latin from the weeks where she only had to do once dance Darcey, it often wasn’t much better.

Up to Claud 9, where Claudia commiserates with Lauren over the samba, and says that Faye has in fact made it illegal. I believe Claudia, that she threw it in the sea then set all of latin on fire, I don’t think the Fayezuula within Faye From Steps really thinks in terms of legality. Lauren says that it’s been a tough week, and Claudia then says that when she watches the samba back, Lauren should keep an eye on her parents, because they looked so proud in the audience. Lauren’s all “sod that, I had a massive boat, named after me, I’m watching that, LADY LAUREN BITCHEZ, WHAT WHAT?!”. Attagirl. AJ’s Speech For Lauren covers the fact that he’s always thought that Lauren’s Strictly journey should be about “ability, not disability” and how inspiring she is. Oompf, that’s AJ out of the challenge, it’s done to just her Great Nan vs Sarah Storey, WHO’S GONNA WIN?! Scores are in

23. Lowest semi-final score since we were made to sit through a James Martin rumba to Michael Buble, what a legend.

Faye From Steps & Giovanni Pernice dancing the Argentine Tango

Tess tells us that all series Faye has put her heart and soul into her dancing, and nobody doubts that she wants to be in the final, but do the judges think she deserves to be there?

Yes they do. See, these questions are SO EASY.

TO THE HOLODECK!

Pros – Very consistent ; lives at the top of the leaderboard ; ballroom prowess ; Steps had songs about having fun parties, getting your heart broken and…whatever that one with the dwarf on the flying sleigh was about, The Pussycat Dolls had songs about stealing your boyfriend, craving fame, and having big tits ; the demonic power of Fayezuula, like Sasha Fierce but with half the skin flayed off her face
Cons – iffy connection with Giovanni ; lacking confidence ; can come across a bit “by the numbers” ; very real danger that one day she nods her head so hard it falls off ; DON’T TOUCH HER FUCKING SHOULDERS ; may well forget who Faye Tozer is again

TO THE TASTEFUL LOUNGE OF SUBURBAN MIDDLE CLASS DISPAIR!

I love that the entire series run of only giving the Argentine Tango to people who were clearly doomed to be not very good at it has all culminated in this one shot of Faye casually swilling red wine, ready to kick all their tubes in. It could only be better if the camera panned back slowly and revealed Ashley Roberts slumped on the other side of the table, in front of that empty glass, with blood trickling out of her mouth, having just drunk ricin. You know, within the story of the dance, I’m not a mental. Sadly, we’ll just have to make do with

Giovanni instead. As you might expect, the choreographer here (not Vincent, for a change) is really leaning into Faye’s best assets, which is to say




this is the second dance tonight where I see more of Faye Tozer’s legs than I have of my own in the last five years. It’s all very moody, very dramatic, and she’s nailing all the lifts and the showiest bits easily. Other than Joe, I think everyone’s really making a case for themselves tonight, although admittedly with Lauren it’s the “this would be the best way for me to leave with dignity” case but…that’s a case. If there’s any problem here it feels like that practically speaking, Giovanni isn’t really there. This is ALL about Faye Triumphant, to the extent that they’ve stacked her heels and her beehive so high she looks a good three inches taller than him for most of the dance.

Still, when you’ve won you’ve won, even if it is just the battle of the ringahs.

They go over to the judges with one woman in the audience in particular hooting so hard and so long that it sounds like an owl’s having a very very very good time indeed. Bruno starts for the judges, saying that Faye has the smoothness of silk combined with the clear-cut brilliance of a diamond, the stealth of a tiger, and the grace of a gazelle. At the conjuring up of this nightmare of genetic engineering, Faye goes

“oooh!” like he’s just complimented her on the choice of Yankee Candle she’s made for her kitchen. I love that Giovanni’s story on Strictly has been that every partner has been progressively more upper-middle-class than the last, and I love this because it means that next year he will have Nigella. Craig follows, and unfortunately he saw a clumsy battement, sorry, no 40 here Faye. Darcey then gets hilariously defensive over how tiny a mistake Faye it was, because she just punched in a 10 for that and she’s supposed to be the ballet one. She of course thought it was marvellous, super, scrummy, feminine, all that.

Shirley closes by cow-eye’ing Giovannia and saying that she’s totally in love…

WITH FAYE’S FEET! Worst showmance yet, just give it up guys, we’re not getting one this year, nobody cares. Seann sliding it down Katya’s throat in a back-alley put us all off Strictly romance until at least 2020, let it go.

Up to Claud 9 they flicky-kicky, where Faye gushes about how much more she loves the Argentine Tango than that dumb ol’ samba, and then reveals that this week she missed her wedding anniversary to train but don’t worry it wasn’t one of the good ones. It was…like…pottery or something. Giovanni’s speech about why Faye deserves to be in the final highlights her consistency, and also involves the words “thank you” so…I think we all know what the other pros shout out for the rest of it. Scores are in

39

FINAL LEADERBOARD?

NIGHT!