And the Queen stays Queen.
You know when you read there’s going to be a tribute to Fosse and then you see something like this
and you go “…oh, it’s Sweet Charity”. Your heart deflates, then you realise that ah well, at least it’s not Pippin. Yes, it’s time for “Rhythm Of Life” and all our pros dressed up like sinister flower children. I wish I could get a decent snap of Gorka in tinted lilac glasses and imitation snakeskin shirt slashed open to waist, gyrating his pelvis and spanking himself on the arse with a tambourine, believe me, I do, for my use as well as yours, but sadly the chiffon backdrop does funny things to my Internet quality apparently. Instead you’ll have to settle on
Pasha as Dennis Nilsen and Kevin as Mumsy from The Crystal Maze. SEXUAL. Yes that is him from the Terms & Conditions singing this and yes he does have some pipes. He takes off from the balcony in his balloon and lands on the dance-floor and
Jesus Christ how many pros do we have on this show now? I recognise Oti, Gorka, Neil, Nadiya, and bits of Aljaz there but the rest is a mystery. Are we in some sort of Fibbonacci Pro Scenario and next year we’ll come back with 233 of the buggers?
As always with The Rhythm Of Life, you start off thinking it’s going to be a joy and then half the bloody song is just some guy screaming “HIT THE FLOOR AND CRAWL TO DADDY!” over and over again (I’m sure Gilkison enjoyed workshopping the choreography for those bits mmm hmm, you know what I mean madam), like how you always forget that Big Spender is just the same thing twice, because everything in Sweet Charity is fun for about 5 minutes and then you’re stuck with it for two and a half hours of Shirley McClaine’s face. Anyway, everyone spends the next two minutes crawling, flying, swimming, cycling, running and modern pentathaloning to daddy and then
As the rest of this episode isn’t going to be much fun for him, here’s Baby Pasha doing some Fosse knock-off choreography on So You Think You Can Dance, not dressed as a 70s serial killer
Anyway, if you wondering if they’d somehow find an even uglier fabric to dress Tess in today than they did yesterday
then almost! Looks like it’s been swiffered around the floor of a swimming pool changing room either way. The pros are thanked, Jason Gilkison is thanked, and Tess then reminds us all of Faye’s “unforgettable” Charleston from Saturday night. I’ll certainly remember it…for a long time. The Silence Of The Goats. Claudia tells us that despite the parcel of showstopping crowd-pleasing rootin-tootin performances delivered to us as part of Musicals Week, sadly, the curtain will still have to fall on one couple tonight. Looks like one already fell on Tess. Deciding who will be riding off into the sunset will be these four
when they decided Charles was bottom of the leaderboard. But, y’know, also in the dance-off I guess. Two bites at a cherry they already swallowed in one gulp. As well as a dance-off, tonight we will also of course be seeing Dance Debrief, probably fifty montages about how nobody wants to go hooooome, a performance from everyone’s favourite American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert, and of course
FAYEZUULA HAS YOUR GREGSES AND SHE’S NOT GIVING HIM BACK, THIS IS HER SHOW NOOOOWWWWWWWW
oh no wait, there he is.
And following that
no, that’s it, I give in, that’s what you’re getting, Kevin and Stacey flipping catapulting themselves off camera the second they’re revealed every time, no, that’s what you’re getting for a Safety Sex-Face if you can’t do one properly Kevin enveloping you in a big sweaty suffocating hug and digging his chin into your shoulderblade as he squeezes a couples of squirts out, possibly whilst crying. Do it properly, or don’t bother. Bet
these two could have given us some real belters if they’d been allowed to get up a decent head of steam. Instead here they are in yet another dance-off, unfulfilled. Anyway, here’s a bonus picture of Pasha
looking really annoyed for no reason, like Numbers has forgot to turn the oven on to heat up when he asked her to, or bought Computer Shopper again because they didn’t have any copies of Custom PC magazine left, hope that’s ok Pash!
Once our losers are over at Tess, she asks how it feels to be here and Charles says
“obviously, it’s never good to be in the Bottom 2”, like he’s delivering some major wisdom. He’s using his Obama In A Cheap Lifetime Original Movie voice here for sure. Can I just say here how, in this shit-house of a series, I’m glad provenance smiled on me at least enough to have my hero Chucky Venice last all the way top Top 6 despite having got no public vote and having only done about two-and-a-bit memorable dances? Thanks provenance! Anyway, Charles says he’s going to fight, and Bruno says that he’s sure that Charles is only in the bottom 2 because his rumba was so good everyone wants to see it again. Hey Bruno, remember when you told the public last week they could blow it out their arse and mooned at them whilst flicking the vs at us all down the cameralens, because Ashley was in the bottom two? Maybe they just wanted to see her legendary beige samba again, look at it that way. Shirley then tells Charles he is officially now a leading man and
Chucky Venice was always a leading man baby. Did you not see Alien vs Predator : Requiem 3 : The Rebloodening : Back In The Habit : The Video Game? Chucky Venice voiced Panicky Marine #1 sugar, not Panicky Marine #4. He’s a born leader.
Up to Claud 9 now, where
Stacey is eating Claudia’s hand? I would not put it past her. She’s up first to talk, and extra incoherent as she squeaks that she dunt wanna be beggin’ the cheese card (?!) but she’s so glad she’s doin’ the Carleston next week, oh no, what, the Charleston. Easy to get those confused. And then she
grabs Claudia’s skull again, because of course she does. Has anyone ever invaded Claudia’s space in the history of this show as much as Stacey Dooley? And I’m including the sessions of Len’s Masterclass on It Takes Two where the joke was basically that he’d penetrated her mid-foxtrot. Kevin, as king of getting to the final, is asked to give a little speech to get everyone through next week and he says that everyone can be proud of themselves because they’re amazing and dancing amazing and looking amazing and
the editors then choose that moment to cut to Giovanni looking like someone from 1932 was asked to draw what they think a homosexual looks like, which has to be a troll on their part right? Faye’s Thoopafan Thtatus is then revisited, and then she and Stacey get a bit “NO I KNOW YOU WANT TO BE HERE THE MOST, NO YOU’RE AMAZING, NO YOU’RE WONDERFUL, NO YOU DON’T KNOW HOW SPECIAL YOU ARE!!!” and jesus alright X Factor. Giovanni then gives a nice little speech about how shy and nervy Faye used to be (UNLIKE NOW) and how she’s really come out of her shell and
bless her she may have developed and grown as a human being but she still doesn’t like being clamped by the upper arm does she? Could be worse Faye, you could have Stacey jamming an index finger down each of your earholes until she touches brain whilst screaming “AHM IN THE FIIIIIIIIIINULLLLLLLLL!!!!” get ready Claudia, it’s coming.
Next up, it’s Adam Lambert, singing “We Are The Champions”, presumably because Alfie Boe has got distracted by a squirrel at the last minute. Accompanying her are Neil and Katya, performing an interpretive dance
about how Katya’s NOT SLEEPING ON THE SOFA ANY MORE! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I have to admit, I spend most of it wondering of Adam’s
dying his chest hair brown now as well. Forget how Neil feels about his JEZEBEL WIFE, how does it feel for such a proud ginger man to perform next to someone so flagrantly denying his own heritage, that’s what I want to know. Anyway, Queen suck, “We Are The Champions” sucks harder than most of their sucky songs
Yeah fight me.
Dance Debrief next, and the judges dance on to “All That Jazz” and I am OBSESSED with Darcey’s attempt at getting across the length of the sofa fluidly, she looks like a duck wafting away its own farts. Bruno’s so lucky he always gets the far end of the sofa so just gets to plonk himself down on the last note, Darcey should talk to her agent. It’s a very “YEAR OF THE WOMAN!!!” Dance Debrief tonight, as we start off with Faye, and a bunch of footage of her being in sync with Giovanni. Can I just say I love this choreographic moment of
Puppet Giovanni sulking that he can’t get his leg up over his head like Puppet Faye can? (Gay Twitter : WE’LL HELP! WOOOO!). Darcey proclaims the routine to be both unique and iconic, so well done them. Everything just came together – the music, the choreography, the goats, the twin moons of Mars, opening a portal to a hell dimension…everything! Shirley next and she just copy-pastes her critique for Faye’s jive for Ashley’s quickstep, we’re getting so lazy in these last few weeks, hold it together guys.
Craig next talks us through how Lauren is finally acting the dances for the first time, and then we close by revisiting Stacey’s
iconic lunge for HER DREAM from a different angle, whilst Bruno talks about how she was method acting. Does that seem likely Bruno? Bruno also would like to praise Kevin for condensing the entire three hour spectacle of Les Miserables into two-and-a-half minutes. Just like his parents did in the special edit he’s allowed to watch. THE FUNNY DRUNK MAN HAS A PUB AND DOES A SILLY SONG! Then everyone has a big hug and they wave a fun flag and have a party underneath the Eiffel Tower with Mickey Mouse In A Beret woop woop!
Time for one more of these
Only two more until you can all start voting for your favourite, get ready. This leaves our Bottom 2 before the bottom 2 as Ashley and Lauren and
yeah. I’m loving the contrasting “into every generation a Slayer is born” and “just pooped mahself” looks on Lauren and AJ there. It’s not the kindest piece of editing this series that then sees
Lauren and AJ almost shagging themselves senseless into the orchestra pit and Team Pashley walking solemnly down the stairs into unpopularity and misery in the same shot, but it is amongst the funniest, in a dark sort of way. Once over at Tess, Ashley basically repeats all the same cliches she did last time but
on the verge of tears this time so…that’s a new flavour I guess? It’s left up to Darcey
wearing the face of a minor royal who’s been left with a charity patronage none of the more glamorous ones wanted, to tell her to stop being so hard on herself and to just enjoy the dance. She also makes sure to say that she’s very shocked and disappointed to see Ashley in the dance-off, just in case you thought there was any danger of the judges not coming across like they were scolding the audience again this week. Hey guys, not one of you had her more than 1 point ahead of any of her rivals on the leaderboard, don’t come at me with “shocked and disappointed” when the audience apparently didn’t think there was much in it either. Craig goes on to tell Ashley to believe in herself and reminds the audience that she’s not a professional dancer!…………in the specific genre of quickstep! Yeah, that’ll do it.
Up to Claud 9 now
where we’re reminded of two “if I made the final” promises. Firstly that Joe will dye his hair red, and secondly that Dianne’s parents will fly over to see her dance on Strictly for the first time. I feel like one of those may drive votes for them more than the other. Although I do love Dianne’s parents “IF YOU’RE NOT GONNA WIN DON’T BOTHER” attitude. Lauren then thanks everyone at home for voting for her, and for her nan for guiding her through the dance in spirit. She doesn’t clarify whether this is a Great Nan or a Normal Nan, there are so many flying around these days. Claudia congratulates her on making it the semi-finals without hitting the dance-off and here’s one for you FACT FANS – the only other time we’ve ever reached top 5 with only one person remaining having been in the bottom 2 was Series 3. Also this is the fifth time out of the last seven series we’ve gone into the top 5 with a 4-1 split in terms of the women. ERA OF THE WOMAN! WHO MOSTLY DON’T THEN WIN!
Except the odd dance-off.
Charles gets a standing ovation, and Tess tells him “enjoy that! That’s for you!”. Gosh, glad you clarified that for him Tess, bet he thought they were all applauding your sterling work hosting. First off Charles thanks his family and then says he has to pay
EXTREME HOMAGE to Karen Clifton. Not just normal homage, oh no, when Charles Venn pays homage, he goes all the way in baby. TO THE EXTREME. Charles Venn then says that Karen turned him into a “promising dancer”. I do love that he recognises that he is…y’know, about 25% of the way there, this is better than when Susan Calman was popping off at the end like she was Cyd Charisse. He then lists all the words that Karen has been for him – strict, solid, caring, loving, sensitive, intuitive and other words he was taught by his 7 year old. Without her, he truly would have probably not made it to this stage of the competition, he is ADAMANT about that probably goes. It was almost certainly mostly her. Charles Venn’s highlights? The Street Dance and the samba. I have to admit, I was sceptical about street dance on this show, and I’m still wary of the possibility of Stacey standing there bobbing her pelvis whilst Kevin jumps around like Donald O Connor on a trampoline being presented as a championship standard dance in the final but I’m glad it gave Charles his main highlight of the series.
For her part Karen then calls Charles the most humble and professional person she’s ever worked with and thanks him for “respecting her as a woman”. My first thought here was that they’d shagged, everyone else’s first thought here was that she was shading Simon Rimmer and/or Kevin, but on further consideration, she’s probably just being American.
I’ll miss these two. Especially when I’m trying to find things to say about two Lauren Steadman routines next week.