Strictly Come Dancing 15 – Week 4 Results

It struck me just now that Brenda has never choreographed a routine to “This Girl Is On Fire” and he absolutely absolutely should.

It starts with

a foreboding gate, as Gorka chimes out the opening of the show to a bored looking

Emperor Antonius, and his retinue of writhing demi-clad international sex-hoors. The bells signal the arrival of

a couple of goths with tea towels on their heads, banging their mum’s best curtain rails on the floor and trying to look foreboding but instead looking more like they got lost on the way to a Rasmus reunion gig. They have brought with them Kevin – a prisoner – too pure-hearted not to be cast as a good guy, too lumpen of body to take off his top like a good little fetish object like Giovanni and Aljaz. Yes Giovanni was allowed to take his top off this week, he wasn’t being covered up by Mickey Mouse. Suddenly the arrival of Kevin sparks an insurrection, and he and the other two heros commence beating off Pasha, Brenda, Gorka, AJ and Neil, aka THE BADDIES. Meanwhile the writhing mass of medieval promo girls (TWO SHOTS OF MEAD FOR A FIVER BOYS WOOT WOOT!)

look sultry and try not to choke on the talc they’re clapping into their own faces.

Anyway, it turns out that even five on three (one of whom is KEVIN), the bad boy pros can’t keep the good guys down with their poles long enough to finish, so as is so often the case the women have to wade in

and do the Who Run The World? dance at them until they behave. Then our heroes are brought before the Dark Emperor Antonius, who is asked “ANTONIUS! WILL YOU EVER GET TO DO ANYTHING IN A PRO DANCE EVER AGAIN THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE YOU SITTING IN A CHAIR LOOKING 500 YEARS OLD!” and lo Antonius, he said

NAY! And did comdemn the good guys, who we know are good because they have taken their tops off and are not wearing black when, when you think about it, they could be in this prison because they are sex traffickers or child murderers or because they voted for Abbey Clancy to win! At this death sentence from Antonius, Kevin, Aljaz and Giovanni devise the amazing and cunning plan of running away, which works! Despite a small incident involving the big foreboding gate which

good lord Jason Gilkison, have a wank on your own time. The three of them jump up through a magical portal (/this show’s own backside) and emerge in a magical land of Celtic flutes where everyone who just tried to kill them is floating around in white sheets and they’re either back home or everyone’s dead or something, what a load of old tut.

This was supposed to be a paso doble by the way. I know.

Once everything’s swept away, our hosts come out, both dressed in tribute to that whole routine.

Claudia as a convict, and Tess as an amorphous bloody mess. They both thank the pros for the number, and Claudia burbles that she’s not had that much fun in a dungeon since Blackpool.

The one S & M sex dungeon in the world less physically painful and dangerous inside than it is outside. On the order of ceremonies tonight? A “dance debrief”, a Gregory Porter, a dance off, and of course

your Week In Greg.

Leading, as ever, to the first wave of these





For someone so demonstrative at all other times, Alexandra’s not very good at these is she? Do better. Hitting the red light first are

these two. This is what happens when you promise so much (vomit) and then don’t deliver. As this is, notionally, if you ignore the fact that everyone knows that no-one’s voting for Davood, a shock, we do a quick pan of all the other celebrities looking stunned


except Debbie

who’s trying to remember what page of the Kama Sutra she left her bookmark in because it’s RUMBA WEEK NEXT BABY! YOU AMATEURS THOUGHT YOU COULD COMPETE WITH THE RAW SEX OF DEBBIE MCGEE? EAT THIS DANCE-OFF MF’ERS!

Davood and Nadiya make the long walk over to Tess, where Davood says “it is what it is” and rocks about on his heels. “It is what it is” is my absolutely favourite way reality tv people say “well this fucking sucks”. Nobody ever says “it is what it is” when what “it” is, is you winning something or doing a dance well. Davood says he’s glad of the opportunity to do it again, I guess like when that one good puke clears half the hangover. Tess by the way is at peak sympathy face here

She looks like she’s about to tell him there’s two ways you can get to Urmston. Tess asks Craig what they can do in the dance off, and Craig’s all “well the routine sucked, but you can’t do anything about that, so be passionate and stuff”.

Up to Claud 9

with our safe couples. Yes Alexandra is clutching a teddy bear. We’ll get to it. Susan is first up, talking about how Morecombe & Wise mean so much to so many people (really? That many? Still living?) and also how she’s really enjoying

holding hands with Jonnie Peacock. Kevin feigns jealousy in a very jocular manner, and this feels very much like the PG-13 version of all those weeks when Richard Arnold tried to stick his tongue down Erin Boag’s ear. Jonnie himself is asked about the possibility of him having acting lessons, and he’s very much “yeah…no”, before demonstrating to Craig his “relieved” face, to show he can act.


Please note Jonnie, if you pouch your cheeks out like that, Craig may be imagining your face in different circumstances involving relief ie his. Ruth follows up by talking about how she loved the tango, but had to pull herself through a really difficult dress rehearsal. Next week she has the samba, which Anton claims will be remarkably similar to the tango that we just saw. Ah, Anton’s latin.

Alexandra’s bear is indeed discussed next – his name is Family, because she was brought for Alexandra by her family. Great naming skills there Alex. Apparently he goes everywhere with her, so he’s a little bit tatty and torn now. Claudia then tries interviewing the teddy bear, and frankly she’d probably get more interesting content out of him than Davood or Charlotte so…worth a go I guess. Finally Simon thanks everyone for keeping him in, and good naturedly grizzles that Alexandra got more marks tonight than he’s got in the last two weeks combined. Claudia jokes that what Simon needs is a mascot, and Alexandra

plonks Family on his lap. Genuinely would prefer to see Simon dancing with Family than with Karen to be honest.

Next up

Gregory Porter! Singing “Smile”, as a preview of his forthcoming tribute album to Lily Allen. You should hear his version of “Hard Out Here For A Bitch”. Trascendent. Accompanying him are Dianne, dressed in a carpet remnant and Pasha, dressed for a Bonnie Tyler video

clutching a single flower. Dianne seems oblivious to Pasha’s attentions at first, which is odd, because if Pasha was stood there offering up his rosebud to me I’d be right [PUNCHLINE REDACTED]. Fortunately for the purposes of the dance, she eventually notices him, and they’re soon

flinging one another abaht. Obviously this should really be a nice elgant ballroom routine rather than contempowafting but God, after that intro I’m just grateful for something that looks like an actual dance, rather than an action sequence from a direct-to-video Croatian remake of Krull.

See? The classic “stick your face right between her boobs” end-pose. Pure class.

Up to “Dance Debrief” now, and it was at this point truly I marvelled at the transformation of Shirley Ballas from 16th century queen consort to

Cher Lloyd between shows. What a chameleon. We start with Shirley and Bruno as we witness them dancing away in their seats to Proud Mary during Alexandra’s dance.

Darcey’s face there I like in particular. Also, you can tell from this clip that like me Bruno was REALLY anticipating the use of Proud Mary arms and felt a bit hollow when they never came. If Ian Waite can work them into These Boots Are Made For Walking Gorka, you can work them into THE DANCE THEY’RE FROM. Shirley also lists a load of technical things that were right with Alexandra’s jive, but who cares about that? Darcey is next asked to explain exactly what’s wrong with Aston’s feet, and she gives us a physical demonstration

The camera zooms in further, but this is as close as I’m getting. I do not mess with ballerina feet, they are a warzone. Rest assured that the way Aston is dancing will ruin his ankles and he’ll be unable to move under his own steam from the age of 35 at least, if not earlier.

Craig is next up, to tell us what he meant when he said that Charlotte was dancing with her shoulders in her jive and really what is shown is a beautiful piece of footage of Charlotte bobbing about on the spot

flapping her hands like the hand-dryer in the ladies lavs just broke. Bruno closes with a bunch of jabber about how Ruth go much better this week because she really WENT FOR IT. Sound technical insight there.

Now time for Round 2





Thus leaving Joe and Charlotte as the Bottom 2 before the Bottom 2. I can’t believe they’re teasing me with Joe going home in WEEK FOUR how wantonly cruel. Fortunately

the wheels have come off the Brenda train as soon as he stopped shoveling controversy into the engine, like someone feeding one of the Hungry Hungry Hippos, as usually happens. They walk over to Tess, and Charlotte tells her that she really wanted to have a comeback and has been working really hard, and really loved this dance. The range of phrases on Charlotte’s Strictly drawstring really is quite limited isn’t it? Tess then asks Darcey what her advice for Charlotte is, and Darcey basically says “just do what you did last time, you’re going home anyway, might as well have a laugh”.

To the other safe couples now

and the first thing we cover is Aston and Brian’s friendship and the word “bromance” is actually used and nah mate, next celebrity please, not having that. Debbie is next, and she’s told that she will have the rumba next, the dance of love/hiding behind a cushion. Claudia asks Debbie if she’s ready to “do that” with her delivery boy (and if he’s not there in 30 minutes she gets a discount) (no just flinging it into next door’s rose bushes either Gio) and she’s clearly not sure, but Giovanni says she’s ready so she must be. Yeah…a lot of 15/16 year old girls talked like that at my school Debbie, and they were wrong as well.

Gemma’s next, and Claudia tells her that she’s now the last pro standing whose score has increased every week, after Aston, Brian and Mollie all stacked it and broke their streak this week. Gemma’s all

“oooh that’s nice” like she’s told her she’s just won a coupon for two smoothies for the price of one at her local Virgin Active. Claudia tells Gemma she’s on foxtrot next, and she does not seem best pleased to be back in ballroom again after two weeks of free roaming. Mollie meanwhile is desperate to be back in ballroom because she hates latin. Such a contrast these two. The Goofus and Gallant of Strictly. Finally Claudia covers all of the furnishings that have been used in Joe’s dances so far (a desk, a window, a door, a wardrobe) and asks if he is in fact building a house with all his props. Joe’s says that if that’s so, he’d like a pizza oven or a Lamborghini next. So middle class. Maybe he and Mollie are meant to be together after all (*sniggers*)

After a quick advert for It Takes Two we’re back and

goodness Davood doesn’t fill a suit poorly does he? Claudia asks him what’s running through his head and

unsurprisingly it’s not a lot. He’s still trying to process how he got his highest score yet and yet is still in the dance-off. I know. It’s a head-scratcher. Charlotte meanwhile says that she’s going to go out there and dance her socks off. In fact, she’s going to go out and dance like she’s never danced before.

Oh hun, you did every dance like you’d never danced before. Ever. Also I’m not sure if that look to camera’s supposed to convey “oh of COURSE Bruno sent us home, he hated us” but, if so, come on. (Shirley OF COURSE would have voted to save Davood if she’d been given a choice. Shirley would have voted to save CHIZZY over Charlotte if had come to it, and she’s not even there.)

Charlotte in her leaving speech says, guess what, she had a GREAT TIME in ALL OF THE DANCES, and also thanks everyone who voted for her, and also says “y’know” about twenty times. Brenda then gets to give his speech, and he says it’s been quite often now that he’s stood here saying “it was our time to go”, but it’s so rare to say it with such sadness

because let’s face it Tess, I’ve hated most of my partners, and they’ve hated me right back, but this year I was gifted someone who was already my mate, really good looking, and who didn’t answer back, and who I got to play protective Daddy Brenda for for a month and a bit, and isn’t that really what Strictly is all about? PEAK THIS GIRL! THIS GIRLIEST GIRL THAT EVER DID GIRL! GIRLIEST GIRL IN 100 SERIES, GIRLIEST THIS GIRL GIRL MCGIRL THIS GIRL FOREVER! SCREW YOU SHIRLEY! YOU COULD NEVER BE THIS GIRL BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL! THIS GIRL THOUGH? THIS GIRL IS *THE* THIS GIRL! MISS THIS GIRL! MISS THIS GIRL UNIVERSE! OH I’LL BE BACK THOUGH! DON’T YOU WORRY! THIS ISN’T OVER! AND YOU BRUNO! I’LL BUILD A NEW THIS GIRL! AND SHE’S BE THINNER, AND BLONDER, AND MEEKER, AND EVEN CRAPPER AT DANCING, AND WE’LL DO ALL OF THIS ALL OVER AGAIN! THIS GIRL VERSION 16! THIS GIRL 2018! THE SEQUEL! YOU’LL NEVER GET ME OFF STRICTLY! ME AND ANTON AND THIS GIRL AND WHATEVER 90 YEAR OLD BUZZARD HE’S STUCK WITH! WE’LL BURY THE LOT OF YOU! I’LL NEVER DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Charlotte was also there)

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31 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 15 – Week 4 Results

  1. BeyonceCastle

    Sublime. All hail Monkseal.
    I now want Brenda in the next series and yes, I absolutely want This girl is on fire.
    Next week might be time for Brian (a jive to it’s not unusual?) unless the Welsh vote holds out. Simon doing a charleston to the fiddle song ain’t much cop either.

    Reply
  2. Bettystoveseyes

    There are indeed two ways to get to Urmston and I love you even more than ever for knowing that. Hoping that next week Tess reveals that a sit-down toilet is the only sort she uses.

    While we’re in the area, I’ve just realised Davood looks like Simon Barlow a few years ago when he was young and camp and a mouthpiece for Jonathan Harvey one-liners.

    Reply
    1. thefablogger

      It really was, wasn’t it. It was like somebody vomited up dancing Lego figures from different boxed sets and then decided to film it all in vertical on their iPhone.

      Reply
    1. Faggy

      But she still called him out when he tried to “this girl” her.

      I got the impression she liked him but wasn’t putting up with his nonsense

      Reply
  3. Jill

    I just love these re-caps. The funniest thing I’ve ever read. I’m crying laughing at the this girl speech.

    Reply
  4. Faggy

    When my 7 year old god-daughter saw the dress Tess had chosen to wear she commented that “it looks like her skin is falling off”

    Maybe she could get a job as Tess’s stylist – couldn’t be worse than the current one.

    Reply
  5. Geordiegump

    I was really trying…hard…to like the pro group dance – especially as a follower of Game of Thrones*
    I wasn’t doing too bad on it until I spotted Anton Caligula with his laurel leaf tiara on the throne.
    (you’re getting old…going grey..your wife’s had twins….take a seat)
    I just lost it after that.

    * I can only wonder what your critique might be of that?

    Reply
    1. Stormy

      Yeah. I, too, foolishly had my hopes up that it might be interesting. Or…at least vaguely like Game of Thrones, since they spent all week on ITT bigging it up as a “Game of Thrones based pro dance.”

      Apparently they thought images of sparkly dragons being projected on the floor just screams GoT and not that horrid Dungeons & Dragons movie.

      Reply
      1. Stormy

        And lots and lots of gore. Damn it, if we’re going to have a Game of Thrones themed pro dance, I want to see fountains of fake blood splattering everywhere!

  6. phoebefair

    Monkseal you are indeed a genius, even more so this series. Touching the divine almost. Is it
    (a) marriage (in a good way natch)
    (b) drugs
    (c) impending fatherhood
    (d) sheer joy at the purity of dahnce
    (e) all/none of the above?

    Reply
    1. Kate

      You’re not alone. I’m still under 60 and love Anton. I’m also beyond excited that Pheobefair above has raised the possibility of a Monkseal Cub. It’ll be sooo cute, he/she can be featured in all recaps.

      Reply
    2. BeyonceCastle

      No I’m a Fanton (not of that word though 🙂 Tony Beak would be my partner as I am an enthusiastic but crap dancer. Love is in the air is a solid song for them. Tony’s Latin is usually a mess (still liked the start of his cha cha with Fiona though) but when he does hang up his dance shoes I will miss him. He never did a samba with Katie even though that was the one dance she wanted to do. Wonder why he is doing samba this time around?
      Is Ruth too tall/well built to lift for salsa or has samba been foisted on them? If she can do a decent samba walk and roll off the arm she might get away with it. I learnt what a botafogo was today. What must be avoided at all costs are those samba rolls though cos inevitably tall female slebs look crap (even Zoe looked a bit gangly).
      It’s the only criticism I have of Anton – Brenda did extra to become accomplished at ballroom. Tony Beak should have put the work in for his Latin.

      Reply
  7. thefablogger

    Thank you as always for your brilliant hilarity Monk. The “This girl” part was beyond sublime but I lost it when you wrote that Pasha had been offering up his rosebud. #ifonly

    Reply

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