Strictly Come Dancing 15 – Week 1 Performance Summary

So…fifteen couples and a lengthy pro routine in one show is a lot isn’t it? Even with the episode getting bonus points for Shirley nuking Darcey from space over technical critique of the jive, Karen Clifton slipping in a pre-watershed joke about taking dick to the face and the all-time hair and make-up high of Kevin coming out with an actual fingerpaint moustache I feel like I should get an achivement certificate just getting all the way to the end without going into end stage renal failure.

The real story of the night on the whole is that the scoring is low. Twinkly Uncle Len giving you a 6 for breathing is gone, Craig has resdiscovered his 2 paddle, and even a nice safe Anton Lovely Old School Ballroom is only topping out at a 5. All in all, it’s the lowest week 1 average since Series 10, which oddly enough was also the last time they had a new judge in and wanted to show that things have changed. Propping up the very bottom? A wholllle lot of Relatable Mums And Dads – Ruth stumbles about a lot as Eamonn blatantly cracks on to Tess in the front row, Brian’s tango gets drowned in overtheming (magic shoes? Really? Again?) and the fact that he appears to have spotted a really attractive pigeon in the rafters, and Simon…well his paso is memorable I’ll give it that. He bunny hops off the stage, he stomps about a lot, and drags Karen about the floor like a wet towel. It feels like an attempt to capture the erm…magic of her week 1 showpieces for Jeremy Vine and Hairy Dave that doesn’t really come off, mostly because as a spectacle it can’t really compete with Richard Coles dropping from the sky on a cloud to the Eurythmics or Susan going full Last Action Hero over Kevin Clifton emerging FOR REAL from a movie poster and munching out her popcorn. Yes, Kevin has five years worth of comedy routines stored up under that hair and ready to go, strap yourselves in.

Meanwhile the middle of the table (scoring between 20 and 24) are a bunch of people who you’d maybe expect to score a little better. Alexandra’s waltz is, like Daisy’s last year, a tribute to a recently deceased relative, although Daisy was a little bit more together than Alexandra manages to be, and also Daisy’s waltz tribute was properly signposted as such beforehand, not preceded by a really weird VT where Gorka becomes the Coffee Nazi and refuses to ALLOW ANY IN HIS DANCE STUDIO, SERIOUSLY, BRING THAT FILTHY BEAN JUICE UP IN HIS SPACE ONE MORE TIME HE WILL STRAIGHT UP THROW IT IN. YOUR. FACE. BITCH. Mollie’s jive is all arms and legs and also AJ repeatedly dry-humping the floor for some reason, and not a lot of stability or purpose, Chizzy’s disco routine hits a wardrobe malfunction and slides downhill from there, Gemma’s cha cha is very heavy footed and clunky and Jonnie’s Sweet Sportsman Week 1 Waltz is exactly that and not much more. The real standout of the midpack is Charlotte, not because she’s particularly good (it’s a classic Brenda Ballroom Push’N’Shove routine) but because she’s so much more poised and together and…actually present inside her own body than she was on the Launch Show that it feels like a triumph in itself.

And the tops? A maybe slightly undeserving Davood, whose cha cha is enthusiastic but seems to be being scored well because he caved and let them stick him in a see through mesh shirt for his first dance, Joe officially stamping his Dark Horse status with a very puppyish jive (a dance which, it may have been mentioned, Ore also did last year on the show), and Aston taking the summit of the leaderboard with a foxtrot that leans heavily on his past in a laddish swing band but which gets some tricky ballroom out the way sharpish. The TRUE triumph of the evening though? Undoubtedly Debbie McGee, who embraces the Giovanni showmance we ALL WANT, with a VT and dance centred around heavy bondage, knicker-wringing, kisses in which she appears to bite Giovanni’s lips clean off, and the pulling of tambourines out of vaginas. Who knows where we go from here, but the idea of a Dr Hammy style full sexual floorshow, but this time with a willing pro has me very enthused for what’s to come.

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26 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 15 – Week 1 Performance Summary

  1. Lightfantastic

    Well what a joy that was! Fast forwarding in parts. Never have the pros and celebs been spewed out so fast at the beginning since I don’t know… the Generation Game conveyor belt. The ghost of Brucie lives on. Some painfully slow parts -those awful VT’s. Do we have to? Really?
    Some delights -Charlotte and Brenda. Some horrors I can only watch through my hands, Brian, – red shoes no knickers. And then my highlight -Debbie vamping and camping it up with Joe Varney (although she can probably pronounce his name properly.) Wouldn’t it be wonderful if she won! Honestly I can hear Paul Daniel’s gleeful cries already.
    Early days though. Lots to look forward to. And Shirley. Shirls. She’s a blast isn’t she? Proper critique. Len. Your walnuts are pickled sir.

    Reply
  2. ChaChaChavvy

    I had very high and very specific expectations of Debbie and Giovanni and they managed to exceed them. That’s my vote sorted. I love them so, so much.

    Also, welcome back Aljaz’s white trousers, hello to Gorka’s grey trousers, and fun Pasha is the best Pasha.

    That was not a foxtrot, Janette. That was an American Smooth.

    How do we get Debbie to the final over the boring-but-inevitable ones? Can we rope in Chloe to poison people?

    Reply
  3. MartianAndy

    Loved Darcey and Shirley clutching at each other every time Bruno went on one of his ravages.

    Debbie’s libido was out of control, she was full on grabbing Aston’s arse as he was getting his scores. I hope she continues in the same vein.

    Thought it was strange that none of the judges mentioned that Jonnie clearly blanked on his routine at least twice.

    Week one comedy VTs. Why oh why?

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      It’s so the pros can get to know the celebs at their day job, unless they don’t currently have a day job, when it’s about coffee.

      Reply
    1. BeyonceCastle

      Not just you. But she made me warm to Giovanni for the first time so I am happy to root for her.
      (insert she’d be happy for Giovanni to root etc etc)

      Reply
      1. Georgina

        Right? When Giovanni was dancing with the C-list twenty-somethings he left me cold, but during the dance with Debbie I really took note of his dancing and … other things for the first time.

  4. Minxy

    Better than expected
    Loved most of the dresses … what happpened WARdrobe? Alexandra’s was the best tho.

    And i will boldly say it – loved Kevin’s dancing, And Susan did it pretty darned well (cept for the mushroom leg) for a week one duffer/non dancer
    Not feeling the Debbie love for her dancing but i did spot her doing a Jason up in Claud9 so …

    Best of all tho was Our Shirl! Love Love Love

    Reply
    1. BeyonceCastle

      I loved Kevin’s choreo and I enjoyed the theming. It made the Perry ”ooh you’ve drawn on a little beard” inspired tache make sense and Susan was adorable.

      Other favourite things included:

      A floaty Oti in the opening routine (Floti)

      Karen beating the shit out of Will -sorry- Simon during the routine

      The producers/props dept still trying to make Magic Shoes happen (Debs saw that a mile off and said no way Jose) while Jake Wood had boogie shoe flashbacks and rocked back and forth.

      Poor Brian also got the offering a flower classic… it worked so well for Paul Daniels, Tham and even Gleb got dumped for Briefcase Brenda after wooing Oti with a flower. They never learn.

      Reply
  5. Marcela

    Thanks for that, Monkseal, I can hardly wait for the full recap!

    A bit sad you’re not doing GBBO this year but I imagine it’d be too much for you. Incidentally, you very nearly (not really) came close to have a mole in the GBBO tent this year. I actually applied and went through the first two stages and of course I’d offer to be you mole. I need to send you a private msg via either DS or Twitter describing the humiliation, I mean, “the process”. :p

    Reply
  6. jamesbuc

    As usual most of the VTs were awful though I quite liked Jonnie’s one, if only for Oti’s insane behaviour. How shall we correct his posture? A ski? A broom? a comedy prop? NAH. LETS JUST TEAR STUFF FROM THE WALL AND USE THAT.

    Reply
  7. Kate

    I get that most of the vt’s are about giving a back story to the celeb’s “oh, you’re struggling, let’s go to your usual place of work and make you feel safe” Gemma’s not an out of work actress, she’s got a radio show, Simon’s not just a tv chef he’s got a real restaurant etc. On this occasion I used them as opportunity for going to the kitchen for supplies. It was a veeerrrryyy long show.
    Loved Susan and Rev. Loved Aston and Joe. Hope for better with Jonny.
    Brian, Simon and Ruth can drift off any time as 1st, 2nd and 3rd boots.
    Gemma and Alex lost in the early slots.
    Thanks for recap. Looking forward to your full report, especially the Shirley flexing her head judge qualifications at Darcy.

    Reply
  8. Martin

    A very long show but some decent highlights – nice summary there…

    Shirley doing a great job on her first show, only boobing with Lizzy-Chizzy and not getting paddles co-ordinated with ‘The Voice’. Agree with all your analysis there – Aston/Debbie/Joe stand outs, RIchard/Ruth/Simon duffers, everyone else in between. Top three should be safe next week, anyone else could be in DO.

    Looking forward to your usual masterpiece midweek!

    Reply
  9. Stormy

    Bless poor Simon. I had to actually pause the show (working on weekends sucks) and take a break after his dance. The secondhand embarrassment was that great. And on the other end of the scale, I just skipped right past Brian because he gives creepy vibes.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Don’t diss the ability to pause this show, I would too but I’m living on the edge of getting 150 likes for a tweet about Debbie McGee’s vagina on twitter.

      Reply

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