RuPauls Drag Race 9 – Your Pilot’s On Fire

Who said that a lip sync has to involve the sync’ing of lips anyway I DEMAND A RECOUNT.

1. But first


2. Farrah’s send-off came via a humming of whining and snivveling and miscenllaneous squeaks and groans in her honour from the remaining queens, most particularly Sasha. It was more kind than that sounds. Marginally. In fact the general reaction to Farrah has been more positive than I expected, which means that if I can take one pro from (SPOILER) Valentina’s elimination, it’s at least that Farrah has been inevitably cock-blocked from winning Miss Congeniality. It was bad enough when Ivy Winters got it because people were shipping her with Jinkx, before the great Trudeau-Macron ship of ’17 came to obviate the ned for any other slash shipping forever. Otherwise the start of the episode was of course mostly Alexis flapping around the workroom manically in response to her first Official Failure of the season, huffing and puffing that she SCARCELY KNEW how she managed to choke in front of a live audience the way that she did. Alexis talking like she’s in Downton Abbey is my everything, why was that not a challenge? A mini challenge at least. Get Farrah in a French maid’s uniform and have Nina as the surly ladies maid giving Lady Shea a soapbortion I’d be into it. Oh also Trinity closed this section cackling with glee that the filler bitches were finally starting to leave and then the camera jump-cut to Nina and Alexis so…there’s your next few boots spoiled probably.

3. No Mini Challenge AGAIN this week, as we arrived at our end of series group challenge. The queens were tasked with creating their own dramatic tv pilot, and asked to select their own teams, and allowed to pick who they were going to work with. Now I’m of two minds regarding this, because normally the show forcing enemies to work together here is good for cheap drama (Sharon vs Phi Phi, Bob vs Derrick, the final resolution to the barn-burning Season 6 storyline of Joslyn THINKING COURTNEY IS A BIT SMUG AND RUDE), which is my favourite kind, but I can’t deny first of all the dramatic power of

Shea SPRINTING towards Sasha like her pussy was *literally* on fire, thus cementing Shea and Sasha as Rolaskatox but without the awful name or 47% or so of the talent level and then the hilarious sight of Peppermint very slowly walking towards them, hoping to be towed along as their third wheel, only to be

sucked right into Alexis. Mostly she’d already spent too long trying to look polite about rejecting Nina, rather than just walking straight over to Sheasha. And rest assured Nina was very loud about feeling insulted anyway that nobody wanting to work with her, even though she’s spent the entire season muttering in the corner about how all the other girls are trying to kill her (it me, it so me, I don’t think any moment has ever been more me in the history of reality tv). She was left with Valentina, very much by default, with Alexis, Peppermint and Trinity as a trio.

Don’t they all look so happy about it, what a happy drag family.

4. Needless to say

Shea and Sasha were up one another’s chuff in the most obnoxious manner possible all episode. Like, gales of laughter over coining the name “Teets and Assky” for their idea – a 70s blaxploitation spy spoof. HOW FRESH. Mercifully, whilst obviously no intrateam drama could arise from two queens who slide together more comfortably than Trinity’s buttcheeks, we were at least treated to the wonderfully playground drama of Shea very solemnly telling Sasha that she’s had to move make up stations because her relationship with Nina has deteriorated so much. On the one hand, Nina is of course ridiculous, and Shea almost certainly hasn’t any of the 20 things that Nina accused her of saying in last week’s Untucked, because Nina is a paranoid mess (<3) but one the other it’s kind of funny to me to see Shea clucking off after her mission to be Nina’s personal life-coach and saviour came tumbling down around her ears like the set of “Nina & Tina”. Anyway, as you’d expect, their end product had fabulous costumes

the wittiest script, and won the challenge easily, and I didn’t really care about or register them one little bit oops.

5. Mercifully this week’s team on the middle was full of drama, mostly between Peppermint and Alexis, mostly because Peppermint didn’t want to be on the damned team in the first place. Their idea, in which two homophobic churchy women discover their beloved sons are gay and in love and also members of the RuPaul’s Drag Race Crew in their skivvies, and come to a place of healing about it via the ministrations of an angry nun

deep-throating them with bread, was probably the closest of the three ideas I could see to something that actually would get made, albeit 3 or 4 years ago and on a niche channel. I mean if Grace and Frankie can happen and get RENEWED (REPEATEDLY) anything can happen right? Anyway, the fatal problem here was that Trinity got the best character (a foul-mouthed nun hoorah) and gave it the most she could, whereas Alexis and Peppermint got dragged down in hilariously petty drama over who got to do the voiceover (WHO CARES?) and neither of them really came across as particularly memorable as the two mothers. Also the script they wrote was hacky garbage. Needless to say, put in charge of a team of three (by Alexis), Alexis was a wonderful tyrant, popping up into shot constantly

to protest that she wasn’t sure they’d got the right “t” sound on “Sister Mary Coont” or to greasily chum up with special guest directors Carson’N’Michelle. This all culminated in Alexis hurling her teammates under the bus on the runway, accusing them of leaving her to do all the “administration” (yes she said “administration, she surely did) whilst they had an unsullied run at the frolciking field of acting. I mean yes she was insufferable but she did have a point

look how much administration is going on on this board

at least TWICE as much administration as Shea and Sasha did. And yet *they* won and Alexis was left in the Bottom 3 just for being a bit of a pillock, where’s the justice? Isn’t filing and clipboards what Drag Race is ALL ABOUT?

6. Valentina and Nina on the other hand were a glorious trainwreck. They were riding this thing all the way to hell without looking back. It’s not even that they didn’t get on, it’s that they turned up on set having done literally no preparation and inprov’d their way through a show in which two prostitutes got arrested for being prostitutes and then when they were in prison they saw an advert for Ru Pauls Drag Race and decided to become drag queens and then they left prison and threw pancake batter at one another and became drag queens and won Drag Race and then also lezzed up.

I know right? Which is far more coherant on paper than it came across in person, because the verbal script for “Nina and Tina” was mostly replaced with

endless uncontrollable falling down. Now yes of course it was the most unprofessional display on Drag Race…possibly ever (and I say this having just finally rewatched the finale of Season 2, where 70% of Jujubee’s dialogue has been added via ADR in the editing suite after filming has finished, because she’s SO DRUNK). But will I remember it long after “Tits & Assky”? Equally yes of course. Even without any delicious administration.

7. This week’s issue segment was Sasha telling us all what Club Kids were because the runway was Club Kid themed and oh my christ this section needs to be stabbed in the neck and allowed to bleed out all over the floor and not be resuscitated because I have never wanted to fast-forward a section in this show more than Sasha’s weekly dry ass lectures, and I sat through Shakesqueer. Also Alexis and Valentina both tried to get Nina to admit she was feeling a little better after basically taking the entire task off as leave and pissing around playing with peanut butter rather than doing any work, and she wouldn’t admit it but you could kind of tell it helped and in a kinder universe these three would be part of the Final Four with Trinity but no I’m sure I’m going to have to shit through future lectures from Sasha about the importance of Ellen’s coming out episode and the third sex tribeswomen of Mesoamerica.


Sasha Valore : Oh look, she’s a clown.

Shea Coulee : This was ALL about the face, given that the rest of it is really just a cape and a swimsuit with a Rocky Horror Mouth on it. But WHAT a face. Messy and otherworldly and creepy and also making much better use of that bloody crown than Sasha’s managed all season.

Valentina : It really is just her hometown look with a mask and some claws on. Probably Valentina’s first mistake on the runway this season, although Nina and Tina was so bad it didn’t make any real difference to her survival prospects.

Peppermint : I mean…she’s a Peppermint. An evil peppermint. Visual genius.

Alexis Michelle : I’m glad that she got over her body issues and decided to present this fully. I appreciate the effort with the make-up. I like the necklace. Let’s leave it there.

Trinity Taylor : Considering the fact that this was her first time EVER stepping fully out of her pageant niche and into the world of the avant garde I thought this was really well done. Particularly her runway presentation. All that jittering and wobbling and alien chittling was pretty eerie.

9. And so we come to the most dramatic portion of the evening, as after Nina and Tina landed Nina and Tina in the Bottom 2 they had to face off in a lip sync to “Greedy” by Ariana Grande (not really a week to be making Ariana Grande jokes is it, ah well). Now normally, given that Valentina has sailed through the season fairly easily thus far and Nina has…spent the last month giving her inner saboteur free reign over her head you’d think this would be a foregone conclusion. Except Valentina was wearing a mask.

Because she didn’t know the words.

And when she was asked by Ru to take it off (in one of those classic “Ru stops pretending she really cares about any of these girls and tells them to stop CUNTING AROUND” moments that really make the show what it is) she did

this, whilst Nina

did this, gloriously, so the show kind of had to let Valentina go, otherwise it’d look really stupid and unfair. Which is kind of a bummer, because Valentina was definitely in my circle of favourites, and also because she took it really hard and ALSO because Nina is going to get a ton of hate now and well…Nina is pretty fragile. Ah well…until your inevitable All Stars 3 appearance Val.

10. This Week’s Greatest Untucked Moment : Trinity and Alexis tussling over the provenance of “Coont”.


5 thoughts on “RuPauls Drag Race 9 – Your Pilot’s On Fire

  1. Matthew

    This episode is probably going to go down as one of the most memorable episodes of all time, with having nothing to do with the challenge a la Willam’s disqualification. Also, must go back and check Season Two finale, I mean I know she was rat-assed when she did Black Velvet (still in the top 10 lipsyncs easily), but I never realised that was a ‘recurring theme’ for Jujubee.

    1. monkseal Post author

      It’s mostly the very final segment, as they’re lined up receiving the final judging. There is no way on God’s earth she’s sober for that, her eyes aren’t even focusing.

      1. Matthew

        Yup, definitely schnozzled. Also, I would imagine at this stage that Peppermint’s the likely Miss Congeniality, unless she of course makes top 3.

  2. Sue Howarth

    Valantina needs to hand back a few All Stars down the line, come back like Tatiannia all of the charisma and more experience under her tuck.
    Does anybody know with the show being on VH1 will there be a DVD?


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