ZOMG SHOCKBOOT WUZZROBBED etc etc
So this week on Dancing With The Stars Ireland, taking a cue from the UK Version, was MOVIE WEEK. So let’s take this genre by genre.
Fantasy & Adventure : Included in this category are Aidan and Denise, and no, not for those thoughts you’ve been having about Aidan sir, we’re talking a very different type of fantasy here. The type involving orcs and hobbits and Nazis and whipcracking adventure, as Aidan took on the role of Indiana Jones for a paso doble, and Denise was doing the rumba as…I dunno some sort of elf queen or something, one Lord Of The Rings film was enough for me, I certainly couldn’t summon up the strength for The Hobbit. In their VT Ryan teased us all with the prospect of Denise being a hobbit and him being Gollum, which obviously was never going to happen, but which probably would have been slightly more exciting than the usual burly man and ethereal queen aesthetic. I don’t dislike these two, and jive kicks aside she’s probably been the strongest technical dancer so far, but a sense of humour wouldn’t go amiss and it seems missing thus far. No danger of humourlessness with Aidan though, as he started the routine
looking like Indiana was just waking up after a night on the piss, and proceded through it acting out some weird storyline wherein Valeria was a horny statue come to life and trying to get Indiana Jones to strip off. I think possibly Valeria was watching a very different version of Indiana Jones growing up, possibly being shown on Bravo at 11pm or later. It wasn’t much of a paso doble to say the least, but it did keep Aidan likable, which is really the entire reason he’s here, so if we’re giving out Oscars, he wins of these two for me.
Comedy : Unsurprisingly it was our two worst dancers (yes they are, ignore the scores they’re giving Dr Eva, I don’t understand them and I do not acknowledge them) who got to tackle the most comedic films, and both of them working well-worn furrows. Teresa took on the role of a demanding boss to reference 9 To 5, just like the woman always ends up doing in the routines about 9 To 5, even though the film is about a woman with a male boss who is just awful. Still it gave Teresa the opportunity to do what she does best
pull absolutely ridiculous faces and be a massive ham. And whilst it took a while for the quickstep to get started, and mostly featured her being dragged around the dancefloor with her shoulders as ear-muffs, it was at least recognisable as a quickstep, which is more than can be said for Des C’s Austin Powers routine. Watching it I was of a mind that it was a samba, a jive, and finally a Charleston, as he and Karen recreated Ola and Chris Hobbit’s infamous Ride Of Ecstacy across the floor, complete with the requisite fish-faces from Karen. Then it turned out it was a salsa. *shrug*. I’m not sure whether to blame it on the choreography or the fact that he was only managing to do about one move in five. Still, for the second week running he got the biggest reaction of the night, so don’t anticipate the Dessy Express derailing itself any time soon.
Musicals : As is usually the case with Movie Week there were a number of routines that easily could have made the transition to Musicals Week without anyone really batting an eyelid, although Katherine & Kai eschewed all the visual trappings of Mamma Mia apart from a sort of a nod to a toga dress, ish, to just stomp around doing random party latin for a camp classic again (in this case “Voulez Vous” but let’s face it, it could easily have been “Does Your Mother Know?” or “Lay All Your Love On Me” and it wouldn’t have changed one bit as a routine), to diminishing returns. When your routine one week ends up with your male pro face down in your crotch with you dressed as Madonna, you either need to change course the next week or do the same but BIGGER. And this did neither. It was also the second latin routine this week where I didn’t have a clue what it was supposed to be until it was over, although maybe
I was distracted by whatever was going on in Kai’s trousers good lawd. Aoibhin & Vitali meanwhile went down another well-trodden path, doing a rumba to “Falling Slowly” which WON AN OSCAR and IS FROM IRELAND, did the show mention that an IRISH ARTIST, GLEN HANSARD, WON AN OSCAR, FOR THIS SONG THAT THEY DANCED TO. In contrast to Denise’s swords and sorcery vibes, Aoibhin and Vitali went for a more sensual erotic vibe, with more clutching and
more raincoats. It wasn’t quite Kay & Aliona, but these two are rapidly becoming my favourite couple, and will likely remain so in the absence of Teresa Mannion lip-sync’ing for her life again.
Drama : Alright, so this one’s a bit of a catch-all, but being a sexy spy and the very real travails of growing up in rural conservative America JUST NEEDING TO DANCE are both pretty dramatic scenarios, and Des B and Dayl (pronounced “In The Bottom 3 So I Have No Idea How This Show’s Eliminations Work Again Because That Seems Mathematcally Unlikely”)’s routines (respectively) were certainly full of drama, as the latter finally finished off that “DEATH TO HIP HOP” storyline he’s been working with the Harsh Judge by producing a jive…full of music video dancing. But hey, whatever works right? If it gets you the first Harsh Judge 9 of the series, why not? Meanwhile, whilst Dayl was ironically enough using a routine from Footloose to demonstrate slavish obedience to the authorities (DID KEVIN BACON DIE FOR THIS?) Des B was shooting off into space via the medium of “contemporary ballroom” which this show has just made up to mean “ballroom with melodramatic thrashing occasionally worked in”. Don’t question how this differs from about half of the routines that make up the “genre” known as American Smooth, because it was very hard to tell watching it. With (SPOILERS) Thalia gone, Des B very neatly slides into the sole available “underdog with journey potential” slot, and the show better hope that he manages to iron out his mincy arms, flapping mouth, and overacting, because at the moment I’m not seeing much threat to the “on merit” Aoibhin/Dayl/Denise final.
Kids Films As in the days of the Disney Curse, our probable Bottom 2 were both swimming in the dkiddy end of the pool, with Dr Eva having to play Mary Poppins, and Thalia dressing up as a Minion. It was the latter that went home, and really you could create a laundry list of reasons. She’s a model, she’s sexy-sexy, the romance with Bad Boy Pro probably didn’t go down too well, her jive kicks were left looking fatally unsharp compared to Dayl’s, and also the outfits she and Curtis were wearing were really hideous. Really though I suspect the real reason that even liberal post gay referendum Ireland were unprepared for
whatever the hell was going on here. Meanwhile Dr Eva stopped pretending to be anything other than a stone cold psycho, glowering through her VT, producing an American Smooth Mary Poppins that made Natalie Lowe’s version look positively sane, and spluttering as her ppro disclosed after the dance that the week had been difficult in training. I’m sure it was. Still, thanks to the vagaries of the public vote, she lives to fight another week.