The Final Judgement.
If you’ve ever seen a dance routine based around “All That Jazz” in your life before then
get ready, because you’re about to see it again. This is Katya Jones, wearing the Flavia Cacace memorial Wig Of Truth working a chair and getting ready to get her Catherine Zeta on
legs and all. The darker female pros get to join her as a veritable army of Velmas. Janette and Karen suit the Velma wig
Oti profoundly does not, looking like an America’s Next Top Model makeover gone wrong and which would inevitably result in her being shaved bald and then booted in two weeks time. Not to be outone in the sex stakes, Natalie emerges from the back as Roxie looking
very Ute Lemper meets Michelle Pfeiffer indeed (poor Kevin – all the otehr guys in their sexy mesh shirt and him dressed up by Burtons for his first court appearance). Natalie’s as good as it gets for the blondes though – I particularly pity whoever it is who’s got stuck
playing Sia for half the routine. Did someone put that wig on backwards? I can’t decide if it’s Oksana or it’s Chloe but it’s funnier if it’s Chloe so let’s say it’s her. Anyway, everyone hoofs it about dancing on the chairs and showing their pins and it’s all great fun but really it’s lacking Arlene as Mary Sunshine you know?
And all that jazz.
As we lose one kooky sexy cool vamp and one dumb blonde with a gormless husband we see them replaced by
Claudia and Tess. Our hosts. They remind us that last night our five remaining couples danced to routines inspired by the musicals (/crack, actual crack, in rock form) and that Cloudia finally get her first 10. This may have been mentioned a few times but I just thought I’d mention it again in case I missed it. Later on tonight : the Dance Off, Len’s Glans, Elaine Paige, not necessarily in that order. BUT FIRST
YOUR WEEK IN GREG! Not a natural singer, but he’s a trier bless ‘im.
That in the bag, it’s time for our a lonely pair of these
emogirl82s complete disdain for Kevin is really making that lost one pop isn’t it? There’s an actual eye-roll and everything. This leaves our three men waiting to see which of the two of them is the first to go under the red light and, for suspense’s sake
it has to Ore doesn’t it? If it’s Rinder you know who the eliminee is 10 minutes into the show, and if it’s Danny then…well it’s not going to be Danny is it?
Ore and Joanne walk over to Tess who reminds him that he’s already been here, four weeks ago, but how does it feel NOW? Ore replies that it’s still “not as nice”. Good grief, even being in the dance off is only “not as nice” as getting through. Even Polyanna would think this was a bit much. He says that he’s going to “keep this journey going” and “dance his heart out” and not even
Tess mocking the size of his penis when she thinks the camera isn’t watching is enough to elicit negativity from him goddamnit. Bruno is asked for his advice, and he tells Ore to keep his rise and fall subtle. Of course it’s Bruno so he says it in
the most hammy way imaginable.
Up to Claud 9 now, where Claudia is with our two safe couples and
trying to get Louise to register excitement over being a semi-finalist. It’s a bit like watching someone stir some porridge into some more porridge. She has slightly more success with Cloudia and AJ, telling the latter that he turned into a lion when their names were called safe, with him replying that it must be due to his adrenaline “bumping”. Claudia then reminds them that they just got their first 10 (oy) and reveals that next week she’ll be dancing the rumba, even though she and AJ have all the sexual chemistry of a Kit Kat and a Weeble. Cloudia, looking more scared than I’ve seen anyone look on this show than since they last pointed a camera at Jamie Redknapp’s face and asked him to say something
say she’ll just have to try to find her “inner emotion” and summon up the energy to stroke AJ’s sexy sexy face. Claudia then turns back to Louise and reminds her that she told Claudia when she started that she just wanted to make it to Hallowe’en Week and that would be enough for her, because that means she wouldn’t be an embarassment on the school run. Hun, Pamela made it all the way to the final and if I was her daughter I’d have gone into Witness effing Protection, forget “the school run”. Louise tells Claudia in a rather po-faced fashon that she hasn’t actually done the school run for a while, but she’s sure that when she next does it it’ll be fine. God these last few weeks of interviews are going to be a joy aren’t they? Claudia then tells Kevin he’s the only pro remaining who’s ever got this far before like we need reminding that Kevin is more of an unshiftable feature of this show these days than the effing judges desk. She then asks his advice for the remaining pros (!) and he tells them that he thinks they’re all amazing (!!) and that they should keep on doing what they’re doing, but make sure you get the basics of both routines down as soon as possible. Jeez, alright DAD. I would have paid to see Oti’s face at this point. PAID. Admittedly Kevin is the only person who got his celeb through the two-dance week last series without them shitting all over the metaphorical carpet in at least one dance so…maybe there’s something there.
it’s Elaine Paige, singing “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina”. And can I just say, Elaine, seriously, after this performance, on top of God knows how many Specials, Friday Panels and appearances of your grinning face sat in the cat-seat in the audience week after week after week, just do the bloody show already. Cancel your three week theatre tours of the South West, give Barbara Dickson your Radio 2 show to mind, take the bubble wrap off your shoulders, you’d only be on for about five or six weeks anyway, just sack up and do it. Felicity Kendall did it, nobody thought it made her C list, just get on with it. You’re not getting any younger, as evidenced by this performance that’s 50% talking, 25% quite well done and 25% ear-splitting notes surrounding words dragged out to as many syllables as possible so you can have a little breath between each one. The word “Argentina” should not take almost 10 seconds to get through. Anyway, Natalie and Aljaz emerge
dance a bit, it’s quite nice, and really the whole song’s quite sweet as a reinterpretation of Evita as an…older woman looking back on her life
through a telescope. Just…stick her with Neil next year and have them twirl about a bit quite nicely and get it out of her system.
Speaking of getting things out of your system, like acid reflux after a dodgy curry, it’s time for Len’s Glans. What an utter impresario. He gets to start us off, telling us all that he thinks this
is a really good use of the backing dancers. He thinks it’s a good idea that instead of standing at the back, twiddling their thumbs, they’re getting right up in there, running their hands all over the main performers and really getting stuck in, hot and heavy. Everyone keep a close eye on Len on this year’s Strictly Tour please. Darcey’s next and she’d like to talk about how amazing Louise’s characterisation is now in all of the dances and how comfortable she now is. Odd because
this bit looks like it’s of a woman sprinting towards the nearest Fire Exit. Darcey lies her face off that Louise NEVER would have done a routine this outre in Week 2 or 3, when we all remember Louise in Movie Week running around with her bumcheeks hanging out in the cha cha.
Craig next takes us through a close up of Ore’s feet in his channei turns which of course
is quite fascinating although even without the giant hat-wielding begonias there’s still so much dry ice spilling about that you can hardly see anything. Finally Bruno tells us why Cloudia finally get her first 10
no it’s not because AJs shirt was so loose it kept flaring up and showing off his boday, it’s because throughout the routine, Cloudia reminded Bruno of “a little Mel B”. The lines between Bruno Toniolo and Louise Walsh blur a little bit more with every passing episode don’t they?
Back to the floor now, but no Safety Sex-Faces to be had, as we’re just sat here with Rindy and Danny waiting for the axe to fall
And fall it does. Yes he is pouting and waving goodbye already. Parts of this format still need tightening up don’t they? I say start playing the music of whoever’s in the Bottom 2 IMMEDIATELY and have them start the routine on the spot. That’d put the wind up them. Especially if they had to sprint down the stairs/sprint up the stairs/strap themselves to a giant plastic horse.
Rinder walks over to Tess, who immediately asks the most inane question in the interviewer’s pack “how are you feeling?” and you can tell Rinder wants to let her have it, but instead he turns to Oksana for one last
“how are we feeling Oksana?” and it’s the most perfect goodbye that he could have given me personally such that I’m tempted to just stop recapping right now. Oksana says “we’re going to do it again” (<3) and then Judge Rinder gooses up the audience all "sod my flat feet, let's have a PARTY". Craig tells him, when asked for advice, to get up on the balls of his feet and send his bottom off to work for Brazil. That's no way to talk about Oksana, Craig.
Next back to Claud 9
with Danny flanked by the other two safe couples, lest this feel too much like “An Audience With”. Claudia reminds Danny that his immediate reaction to his score on Saturday was “I never thought I’d get 10s!” and asks why that was. Was it because he’d just 2 minutes before sat through Craig and Len taking a hammer to the most basic part of his ballroom technique? Maybe? No, of course not, it’s because it’s such a hard technical dance and it is CURSED this series. Danny says that of the seven people who’ve danced it this series before him, four of them went that week. Try “nine” Danny. We’re not putting you in charge of the Stat Attack that’s for sure. Next we learn that his dances next week are the salsa and American Smooth, both of which involve lifts. Claudia asks Oti how she’ll cope because yes, his Charleston and Argentine Tango went SO poorly and Oti says that she is sending him to extra gym sessions because she is NOT LIGHT. I’m so sure.
After a brief advert for It Takes Two, we’re back with Judge Rinder looking like nothing will become his leaving of this show
like the part when he finally gets away from Tess. Ore in his interview says that this is one of his FAVOURITE dances to one of his FAVOURITE songs and Jesus Christ enough already. Rinder for his part says that he’s just going to go out there and enjoy it, after which Tess asks Oksana if she has any “words of wisdom”. Let’s just start with words and work up from there. Oksana tells him he’s learnt everything he needs to know, so they’re just going to go out there and celebrate dancing.
And that will have to be enough.
In his goodbye speech, Judge Rinder says that every single person he’s met on the show has so much love for it and their part in it. At this point Chloe clatters through the back of shot in her giant flower costume with her Sia wig over her face, clutching Ore’s top hat shouting “YEAH IT’S AMAZING, WHOLE NOTHER LEVEL OF FUN!” before tipping into the orchestra pit. He then tells the judges in particular that they do their jobs with enthusiasm and authenticity and oh my sides I didn’t know this was stand-up. Finally he thanks Oksana, of course by saying “teacher” and “taught” about 50 times and then she
cries all over him. They will be missed. Especially on It Takes Two, it has to be said.