Strictly Come Dancing 14 – Week 10 Results

Ed Balls stops just short of Number 10 yet again…

We open with

this shot. Don’t ask yourself why the BBC have sent two grown men to commentate close-up on a School Sports Day. It’s not even set in the 1970s! The dance this is preceding is an athletics themed Charleston, centred around Gorka as the Master Of Ceremonies

with his whistle out, looking a little like Gareth Bale. He’s the centrepiece of the routine, presumably as it being a smiley-riley Charleston lets him demonstrate to us all just how effective his dental work was after getting duffed up in Blackpool (Brenda’s Digital Spy blog about how quiet and withdrawn Gorka was in the days after the attack made me so sad. If only someone had been there to wrap a warm comforting hand around his shoulders. Yes shoulders). Around him are all the other eliminated pros, taking this opportunity to burn up all the props that Will had been lumbered with if he’d not quit to spend more time talking his dog. At the centre of the story of the routine is a burning rivalry between Pasha and Neil. They compete in the


the sack race (Pasha’s probably winning there, he has been there longest)

and that Olympic event where you and your partner repeatedly wrap one another’s legs around your heads. I think the synchro divers at this year’s games did that a lot. Or at least they did in my head. Who comes out on top between Pasha and Neil we never find out, as we zoom away to Janette beating off four of the male pros at once in a Tug O War, Anton falling over on a trampolene and Gorka transparently missing a hula hoop thrown at him but nobody correcting it, because let’s face it, who’d sit through this again?


No matter who won medals at the Strictly School Sports Day, can we all agree that

we’re not even giving Participation Prizes to whoever dressed Tess and Claudia tonight, as they clearly just did not turn up. They thank our pro dancers as per usual, and then remind us that last night was a night of firsts. It was the first Cha Cha Challenge, the first time a samba has ever scored 40 on Strictly (leaving just the rumba pure and unsullied until Cloudia shocks the world in the semis as she pops its cherry and AJs at the same time in the same dance), and the first time ever that Joanne has ended the night under the table. She’s a good girl she is. Honest. On tonight’s menu? Len’s Glans, the Dance Off, and Special Guest Star Ellie Goulding.



Still, we’ll always have these

I think those are the perfect two pictures to express the difference between Danny/Oti and Louise/Kevin as partnerships aren’t they? It actively looks like Kevin is having to hand-crank a reaction out of Louise meanwhile Danny is spraying it up Oti with a firehose. This leaves Ore, Claudia, Rinder and Ed hovering on the edge, before Rindy is

shoved over. Is he getting another snack from Oksana’s ear-dispenser there, I guess it’s a hungry business all this standing around. He goes over to Tess and she asks him how he’s feeling, to which he says he just wants to do his best for Oksana, using some word in Russian that I’m not even going to try to transcribe. A new can of oil should do it. Darcey is then asked her advice, and really this is one of those weeks where we’re all just saying “pray it’s Ed Balls or you’re boned” over the top of whatever it is she says. In this case it’s to do a better job of telling the story of the routine. Get a chalkboard out. Maybe a gown. Dartboard with Michael Gove’s face on it. Set the scene. Len is asked for his advice next, specifically how Judge Rinder can make himself less taut. Poppers normally isn’t it? Jalapeno poppers, from Dominos, always get me loosened up and relaxed, so tasty, what are you looking at me like that for?

To Claud 9 now

and it’s RINGERIFFIC. Claudia tries to get both attendees to look excited by the propsect of being quarter-finalists, but it’s a bit of a struggle. Claudia then asks Danny what life is like for him now, and if people give him free things in the street because of his amazing Charleston. Like Oti lets him walk the street. It’s black bag over the head at the end of the training week and it doesn’t come off again until he’s in the studio. Even bathroom breaks she chains him to her. Danny says that everyone’s lovely to him, which is great for him – I had a Cloudia fan call me a moron the other day for saying Greg did better in the dance-off, where’s my sympathetic ear? Claudia then turns to Louise and asks her if she’s going to become really competitive now. What do you think Claudia? She’s saving all her real competitive energies for next year’s Celebrity Channel 4 Bake Off, where I can give you now the exclusive spoiler that she bites June Sarpong’s ear off for accidentally disturbing her blackberry macaroons. Louise then accidentally shades every other cast of Strictly ever by saying that she knows everyone says it every year, but this year they really mean it when they say that they’re all best friends now. Lisa Riley and Tracey Beaker don’t even text no more, but the love between Anastacia and Naga Munchetty will never die fam.

Next up, I have to praise the raw chutzpah of the show cutting directly from Claudia going “AND NOW, ELLIE GOULDING!”


Kevin sprinting on with Karen wearing a completely different outfit. And the raw chutzpah of Kevin and Karen in their part choreographing yet another “Strictly Pros Do Contemporary” routine when they never go down well, and always end up looking like…

well, like this. Listening to the song it’s hard to tell what Propah Ballroom Dance you could do to it but they could at least have had a go rather than jerking about like toy robots with the remote controls left in the hands of particularly sticky fingered toddlers. The raw chutzpah of Ellie Goulding claiming she hasn’t had lip fillers we’ll leave for another time.

Because we’re got

LEN’S GLANS to investigate. Just…”poor Mrs Len” all over that picture isn’t it? We start with the man himself bigging up Ore’s paso doble, giving us examples of the exciting shaping he said that he’d never seen the likes of in Strictly before.

Ooooh ahh etc. He explains to us that in the part we’re seeing the man is playing the part of the matador, and the woman is playing the part of the cape. Some of us have been here for nigh on 14 YEARS now Len, give us some credit. Or at least get Nancy in to explain it again. Furthermore, he stands up to give a physical example of a matador and his cape.

If that hankie starts billowing up in funny shapes, I’m leaving.

Next up

Darcey takes us through Cloudia’s lovely lifts, and then Claudia ambushes her by asking why Cloudia hasn’t got any 10s yet. Well Claudia, if she’d just not made that one tiny mistake in her jive last week… Anyway the audience clap and cheer and “WAH WAH WAH WHY HAVEN’T I GOT A 10 YET I AM ENTITLED” is my least favourite storyline ever since Tom Chambers pioneered it way back in Series 6 (and Gethin a bit, but I *liked* Gethin) so let’s not. Cloudia’s average score at the moment is sitting somewhere around Kelly Brook’s and quite frankly Kelly could kick Cloudia’s arse with one hand and one foot tied behind her back. Darcey produces some wiffle about needing to feel the drama and passion between her and AJ ooh look who’s probably got rumba and/or tango coming up in her dance draw in the not so distant future I smell a breakthrough.

Craig’s next up, showing us all what he meant when he told Louise off for her hunchy shoulders in the Waltz.

Len and Darcey both protest that that is a perfectly valid stylistic choice within Cliftonography and she still should have got a 10 for sure they were right. Bruno tries to demonstrate what they mean by wafting his arms all over Craig,

to which Craig snaps “NO ONE LIKE A NO-NECK DAHLING”. Well that’s him told. Bruno closes by praising Danny’s Perfect Samba, and as usual with these things

they’ve slow-mo’d the part of the routine where Danny kept on swinging his arms about a beat or two after he was supposed to stop. Baffling. STOP HIGHLIGHTING THE BITS WHERE IT WENT WRONG IN SLOW MOTION IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO MENTION IT GUYS! Bruno calls it the best male samba on Strictly ever which…did it have Mark Benton dressed as a lion and Iveta doing that “Here’s My Vagina” leg-lift on the imaginary planes of the Serengeti, no it did not. Now there was a tribal ethnic African samba.

Only one of these next.

Like sands through the hourglass, these are the cum-faces of our lives. This leaves Cloudia and Ed waiting to see which of them is taking a dip and

surprisingly enough, the dream is over. I have to admit, part of me, whilst long past enjoying anything much Ed did, was hoping that he would manage to beat Widdy’s placement of 6th. A dark part of me. But it was not to be. Ed walks over to Tess, as the audience are giving him his goodbye cheer already, and we’ve still got 15 minutes to go. I’d say that this highlights that the dance-off is a pointless suspense free waste of time but…don’t most weeks? Ed tells Tess that his tango was a fabulous dance (it bloody wasn’t) and he’s really looking forwards to do it again. When asked for his advice, Bruno tells Ed to keep the entertainment value high whilst improving the clarity and sharpness of his footwork, and when asked if he can give Ed a boost before facing his first dance-off, Craig says “no”. Fair enough really. He then tells Ed that he’s secretly really enjoyed his dancing but don’t tell anyone shhhh it’s a secret. Craig’s breaking character too much these days, make it stop.

Back to Claud 9 now and

God bless Cloudia’s face here. Is this her trying to have “chemistry” with AJ I worry it might break her. Claudia then turns to her and asks her if she’s desperate for a 10. She says that she is but she doesn’t know what she’s got to do to get them. If it’s Darcey? Tongues at least. Ore then gets to drone on for a clear minute about how the Strictly family is whittling down and he can sound as sad and wistful as he likes, it’s quite clear that Joanne

has her eyes on Great Aunt Antonia Du Beke’s inheritance. She reveals that next week Ore will be doing a foxtrot dressed as Willy Wonka. Can I have a promise none of the sweeties are going down his pants this time?

Oh and as it’s Musicals Week next

here’s yer VT of all the celebrities singing an original song, composed especially for his VT. In it we learn that, as much as they’ve more or less fulfilled their duties as RINGAHS on the dancing front, our West End Star and Pop Princess…might want to work on the vocals before they punt for a role in the UK transfer of Hamilton.

Back to Claud 9

one last time now, and both of our remaining Underdog Males deflating at exactly the same time has certainly taken a lot of the air out of the series itself at this point hasn’t it? Claudia asks Judge Rinder how much he’d like to stay, and he says that it’s more than words can say, especially for Oksana’s sake given all the effort she’s put it. Oksana says that she loves him too and Rinder’s all “hang on a minute, I didn’t say “love” exactly. Tess then asks Ed how he’s going to attack the dance-off, and he says that Katya has made sure every routine they do is full of dance content whilst also being entertaining. THAT’S NOT THE BLOODY QUESTION. God I will not miss that. You’re going home Ed, save the talking points to the party faithful for another time.

They’re so quick about it when it comes that the third glitterball doesn’t have a chance to emerge fully, so yes Rinder is stood there looking like the third member of Cameo.

The whole studio gives Ed a standing ovation for his departure, whilst up on Claud 9 you can see Kevin thinking

“bet when I get a duffer next year I get her all the way to at least 5th, yeah, Princess Anne, bring it on”. Ed says that if we’ve all had half as much fun watching him as he’s had learning then we’ll all have had a blast, and tells us all that Katya is going to be a dynamite knock-out star in future Strictly’s and go on to greater things. I mean…it took Kristina a few series after Sarge but I guess she got there eventually. Katya then cries flipping everywhere.

It’s quite sweet.


14 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 14 – Week 10 Results

    1. Matthew

      I think he’s aware of that, he probably wanted Ed to beat Ann, not match her. A part of me did to, as he at least improved and wasn’t a vile homophobe.

      Like Cloudia to go next, but know it’s inevitably going to be Rinder.

      1. monkseal Post author

        Aye, I said I wanted him to beat her.

        Finishing position.

        (I guess he did finish 6th of 15 and she finished 6th of 14)

  1. StormyTV

    Unless the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse shows up and kills all the judges, I have no doubt poor Rinder will get the axe next week. Besides him, Cloudia’s the weakest, and there’s no way their wittle cutie pie will be voted off. Especially not against Rinder, who they’ve always seemed to have it in for all season.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Genuinely I think anyone (other than Rindy bless him) could top the leaderboard on merit this weekend. Should be a good one.

      (SHOULD be. I live in hope even aware of how they murdered every routine dead with overstaging this week last year)

  2. Allie_2

    I have my aunt’s macaroon recipe and several bags of frozen wild-picked blackberries in the freezer, so I tried to look up Louise’s recipe for blackberry macaroons and instead found some vile abomination that uses blueberries and blue and black food gel colouring. She won’t win Bake-Off with that, not even the celeb version and not even on Channel 4 where I won’t be watching.

  3. Sue Howarth

    I did think that if Rinder survived Foxtrot-Salsa-Rhumba he would make the final. Now he has been in the bottom 2 its probably inevitable he will go. Pity I would much rather see him than Louise in the top 3. Amazed she wasn’t in the bottom this week with a dull waltz and over marked cha cha

  4. MorticiaA

    Perhaps Louise is being overmarked to protect her. Still can’t see any other scenario than Danny, Louise and Ore in the final. Praying for a Doti win to keep Kevvers off the throne one more time before he is relegated to dufferdom til kingdom come….

    Love Rindy, but, come on, rhumba, followed by a samba the can only look crap against the best scoring samba evah, just one week later. The bell tolls… boooooooh.

    1. monkseal Post author

      The Louise thing is odd. We know she beat Cloudia in the vote last week (although unless Danny’s much much less popular than he appears to be so did everyone) and Ore doesn’t particularly strong, so I’m not sure what there is to protect her against. Either you’re right, and Ore has successfully stuck a long term bounce-back, or they correctly predicted a Cloudia B2 Bounce or…Louise is just popular and they like marking her highly generally to make it look like a horserace long-term with Danny.

  5. Lesley Rigg

    Claud looked she was one of those crochet ladies my nan used to put over the loo-roll to protect its modesty!!

    I like Louise – I’m happy with year of the dull!! She and Danny – take it to a whole nother level! Not that other dude though… he’s nails down a blackboard irritating.

    I think if they have a competitor as young and non-acting as Cloudia next year they need to bring in some kind of yoof counseller/dresser because dressing her as a lioness won’t have her chanelling some Oti style fierceness – it will be deeply patronising and ‘cute’ – poor girl.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.