So long to Gorka and the Torka (pity as well about this week’s Worka).
We open with
Giovanni the cleaner sweeping up in the alley behind Strictly Studios, gazing sadly up at a poster depicting the stars of “Strictly The Movie”. As the orchestra start playing “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” he imagines himself into the world of the poster, shoving Aljaz out the door
and taking his place with Joanne in his arms (A+ acting there yet again from Joanne by the way). Unfortunately this is just a dream, as Giovanni comes back to reality to find himself
snogging a dirty mop. Hope JELUS GEORGIA doesn’t see this, she’ll pitch a fit. At this point, Anton The Director (wearing a CRAVAT) turns up with his assistant Katya in tow, followed by Joanne and Aljaz FOR REAL. Except Aljaz is a dick, kicks Giovanni’s broom away, and spills coffee on the floor
for him to clean up. The cad! Fortunately Giovanni, the quiet sensitive loner in love with an attractive young film star who’s out of his league, has a plan to win her heart! Yes, he goes and shoots Ronald Reagan! It’s a pro dance based around John Hinckley people, what WILL Jason Gilkison dream up next?
Not really of course, Giovanni barges onto the set, pushes himself onto Joanne and everyone’s fine with it and he gets to be the lead in the film, beating up
Malevolent Aljaz along the way (seriously, how many more shades of Aljaz are we seeing this year? I’m starting to think he’s operating his entire personality on a One Series On, One Series Off basis). What a message to send to the youth. Believe in yourself, and you can achieve anything. Don’t let anyone stop you. No really, don’t let them. Use weapons if you have to. Duct tape.
Poor Aljaz. Maybe invent a game with the broom to cheer yourself up? I have suggestions if you’re open to it.
Once everything’s tidied away and back into the toy chest, out come Tess and
a G-G-G-GHOST. Someone tell Claudia it’s not Hallowe’en for ages yet. They remind us that last night was Movie Night, and that all the celebrities performed routines based around famous movies, apart from Tameka and Gorka, who just farted around dressed like police cops. Tonight, two of the performances will be revealed to be box office flops, and the offending stars will face the wrath of the judges. Also Michael Ball and Gay Porn Declan Donnelly (aka Alfie Boe) will turn up and sing “Somewhere” from West Side Story together. Sort of. Which one is playing Maria and which on is playing Tony we’re being kept in the dark as to.
Your Week In Greg.
And now, your first round of Safety Sex Faces
Yes I did take a while over selecting Cloudia & AJ’s picture, why do you ask? The bottom 2 on the leaderboard already having been called safe, and with lots of ties on the leaderboard, a SHOCK BOTTOM 2 APPEARANCE seems augered and
here it comes. Not entirely unforeseeable, but still very early for the token pretty young presenter girl to hit Bottom 2. Maybe if they’d picked one that people have heard of? Anyway, Laura wanders over to Tess, who asks her how she’s feeling, and she autopilots that she’s just going to have to go out there and give it her best. A Thoopafan settling into the grooves left by those before her there. She says that she’s going to go out there and throw even more at the dance, and Craig is all “oh God don’t do that, it was terrifying enough the first time” and tells her to calm it down and make it more fluid.
Up to Claud 9 now
and it’s closing time at Party City. Louise recounts to Claudia how she screamed loud into Kevin’s ear when they were called safe. Kevin always hits the deck so fast I’d be surprised you were anywhere near him love, but ok. Ed then reveals that next week he’ll be doing a paso doble to Bonnie Tyler involving a princess in a tower that needs rescuing from a dragon. God, they’ve Scott Mills’d him fast. Claudia turns to Cloudia next and asks her if she felt safe because she was top of the leaderboard and Cloudia’s all
“no Tess, I’m a teenage female gymnast, my entire life is backflips, I can’t add up, I can barely read, and I think the capital of London is Fish ‘n’ Chips, how the fudge am I supposed to know if I was safe or not?”.
Claudia turns to Danny and tells him that he’s got the quickstep next, and that to be honest, everyone’s excited because they’re all so obsessed with his feet. They can’t help watching them! To this Danny
sticks them in Claudia’s face and she pets it, very gingerly, all “that was a joke, get them the fuck away from me or I will mace you”. Judge Rinder’s next and Claudia asks him to show everyone how he feels about advancing in the competition via the means of face pulling.
No no, you had your chance at a Safety Sex Face already this week Rindy, and you blew it. Tough tits. Claudia then asks Naga if she expected to be in the Bottom 2. She says yes.
Next up, the sound of Boe Balls, as they duet BUT NOT IN A GAY WAY. Seriously, they’re singing “Somewhere” which is a love duet, and they’re doing it by blaring it out into the middle distance without even acknowledging one another. Actually that’s not entirely fair. Sometimes
Balls looks into it, it’s really Alfie who’s being all masc4masc about it. Then again, if we’re talking about awkward relationship, it’s Anton & Joanne on accompaniment duties, and whilst their dancing is beautiful
Joanne is wearing a look of absolute “GET THIS MAN OFF ME!” the entire time. Maybe Anton *has* been sleeping rough, maybe he smells of dustbins? Best not to judge.
Definitely Boe that’s the problem here. Defintely. Lighten up man. Maybe work a bit on your upper register as well, just sayin’
Back to Claud 9 now, for the next thrilling installment of
LEN’S GLANS! We start with Claudia saying that she just want to highlight how much everyone loves Movie Week. This is illustrated by
Bruno having a fit behind the judges desk during a routine, like this distinguishes it in ANY WAY from any other week on this show. If he’s not on the floor Claudia, it’s not a highlight. Bruno brags that he knows all the moves to Flashdance. This is absolutely not a surprise, I bet you it was him who was the guy who was Jennifer Beals’ stunt double for the video. (I met someone who thought that Justin Timberlake is married to Jennifer Beals now the other day. I didn’t correct them).
Next, Len is asked to explain to us visually what a coup de pique and a fishtail are. This
is a coup de pique and this
is a fishtail. Apparently. Good to know. Of course this explanation alone is not enough, as Len leaps to his feet and repeatedly kicks the floor yelling “THE GAY BLADE! STABBING STABBING STAB STAB STAB!”. I’m starting to see why Will got the heck out of Dodge to be honest. It’s Len’s last series, he has nothing to lose, and Dancing With The Stars aren’t going to extradite him. Darcey’s up next and is asked to explain what she meant about Greg’s lifts, and Darcey explained that it would have been better if he’d made them look effortless. There was too much effort going on. Not something she’s ever suffered from on this show. Finally, Craig is asked to produces faces sufficient to join Judge Rinder’s Acting Masterclass Pamphlet. So here they are
AND THAT WAS LEN’S LENS TIME NOW FOR SOME MORE SAFETY SEX FACES!
It doesn’t necessarily meet the brief, but God Anastacia gives face every week she’s up there doesn’t she? This leaves Lesley and Tameka facing the very edge of the dance-off abyss, and it’s
Tameka who ends up dropping in. What’s great about this is not only that Lesley doesn’t know whether she’s safe or not, because she’s not heard properly (and also possibly because she’s
taking cues from Anton, who looks like he just felt something unpleasant creeping into the back of his underwear), but also that she phrases it “are we out or through?”. There’s EVERY possibility the judges would save you over the leggy 20something blonde Lesley, what are are you talking about?. Tameka, clearly a little stunned, totters over to Tess and says that we’ve now reached the stage of the competition where someone has to go home (that’s…more or less every stage Tameka) and, if she can be bold, she’d like to say it shouldn’t be her. So she’s going to pull out what she can. Can we get Standards & Practices on the line quick to clarify what can and what cannot be pulled out vis a vis Gorka’s costume? Len is first to speak, and tells Tameka that what he loves about her is that she CAMS AHT and gives 110% every week. Somewhere up on Claud 9, Judge Rinder lets out an almighty groan. (Although I read an interview with him in the Metro today where he said he in fact does just want to get to Blackpool now, so HE’S CHANGED).
Up to Claud 9 with our survivors
and apparently Lesley’s become hysterical with laughter. Well she has to sit on the Birds Of A Feather set every day, so you can see how the slightest actual funny thing might set her off. Claudia asks Ore how he feels to get through. He says that he feels overwhelmed, because he knows how much it all means to Joanne, who is his wife. I mean, one of his best mates. One or the other. Or both. Who can even tell any more? ORE CLIFTON, THEY’RE MULTIPLYING I TELL YOU. Daisy’s next, wheezing like the penguin from Toy Story, huffing that the wait for your name to be called IS TRAUMATIC, and that everyone now feels like family, so you don’t want any of them leave. Except Auntie Anastacia who won’t stop eyeing up furniture she’s going to nick when the next person dies and who she doesn’t even think is ACTUALLY an aunt anyway.
Anastacia tells everyone who voted for her that she loves them, Greg promises even more epic lifts in his dance next week, and Lesley just makes a load of cackling noises and jokes that she didn’t know whether she was in the Bottom 2 or not. Yes love, we saw. Finally Claudia tells Will that she’s really looking forward to his Viennese Waltz next week and then Will talks about how anxious the whole competition is making him. Well this is a bit depressing in retrospect.
After a quick plug for It Takes Two, we are back with
our bottom 2. Claudia asks Laura if she’s going to smash it, and she says that as this might be her last dance on Strictly, she’s going to put her all into it. Tess then asks Tameka how she’s going to approach the dance-off, to which Tameka replies that she’s “going to do what the dance is”.
Turns out this is the wrong approach. Who knew? (Laura waiting for those glitterballs to light up is quite something by the way. She seemed to be holding it together until then but it is flared nostrils and crying and shaking agogo). Tameka’s exit interview is really sweet, mostly because it’s just her making an extended pitch for Gorka to get his contract renewed next series. I can’t really see it myself, but I appreciate she tried. I guess it depends how many of the other male pros jump ship and how much consistancy they want after this Series Of Turmoil. Just, maybe hold off on the sexy calendars Gorka, just in case. As much as it pains me to say. No bumcrack until the ink is dry in 2017. Unfortunately Tameka then mars this somewhat by
flashing her legbrace during her Farewell Dance. And even if this isn’t a dig at Anastacia for the events of last week…you cant pull the patented Mark Benton “SURPRISE I’VE BEEN INJURED THE WHOLE TIME AREN’T I A TROOPER!” card when you’ve been discussing your injury all week on It Takes Two.