And you thought people got over-exerted over what channel Bake Off airs on…
We start with our second Romeo & Juliet tale of the week, and yet another journey into the intellectually complex and morally nuanced world of Jason Gilkison
BADDIES IN BLACK!
GOODIES IN WHITE!
Beyond that, the story is that Gorka and Oksana are star-cross’d lover, who just want to hang on and pretend to play guitar, but unfortunately, their interfering families won’t allow them to be, and keep on
flipping Oksana about and being all menacing and wearing eye-liner than that. It’s all being danced to Pillow Talk by Zayn From One Direction, which is a bold choice given that it’s a song that features no discernable interesting dynamics whatsoever, and it features an awful lot of vague Spanish styling that doesn’t get used much. Like, all the female dancers have fans, but they only really get opened out once, otherwise mostly just being used to brap brap against their vaginas. I am pleased to see Anton in the mix though, especially as it’s an Argentine Tango. Every time I see Anton being used seriously in a non-ballroom routine it’s a bit like being reminded that, somewhere, Olivia de Haviland is still alive. Most exciting for me though, other than Gorka’s shirt being wide open hooray I’m only human, is
Brenda getting to reprise the role of their villainous bisexual power-couple from the Rolling In The Deep pro-dance, aka the greatest pro dance of all time yes it was. Natalie’s there the entire time, villanously wafting a tambourine (<3) but in the end, it is in fact a lift from Brenda that takes Juliet away before she
dies. Her AND Anastacia in one week, those lifts are a powerful weapon.
Once they’ve carted the bodies off the floor, it’s time for our hosts to re-emerge
Tess Daly, and Ringo Starr. They remind us that tonight sadly, after last night’s fun and frolics, one couple will leave following a dance-off (…) and also we will be experiencing the first in what hopefully is our last series of Len’s Glans, lots of filler interviews to fill time for…some reason, and most of all a performance from Barry Gibb. BUT FIRST OF ALL
YOUR WEEK IN GREG. It’s good to be back.
Time now for our first round of Safety Sex Faces
The sheer RANGE of faces from Anton I could have used, you wouldn’t believe it. Guy is going HARD to retain his title this year (if you’ll pardon the expression). Our first couple in the Bottom 2?
On the one hand, oh dear, on the other hand, that is a face crack for the ages. She totters over to Tess, where she tells her, with her voice crackling, that she’s afraid to hurt herself again (it was mentioned in the nigh on 10 minute long recap that her injury is to do with tissue tearing relating to her mastectomy scars), but the dance off is part of the format of the programme, so she’ll do it. Tess turns to the judges for their advice on the dance off, and then to the show’s lawyers for their advice on liability insurance. Sadly Aliona’s still got them tied up in paperwork from that one lawsuit related Gregg Wallace’s lack of underwear, so they can’t help. Craig advises Anastacia to focus on smiling and wiggling her hips and not so much the constant arm crossovers, and Darcey’s all “yeah, erm, ATTITUDE and PERSONALITY and stuff plzdontdie”.
Up to Claud 9 now where
Gorka continues to be the most effective tonic in any given situation this series. Lesley giggles excitedly about how excited she is to be through and how realy it all feels to her now. Just now it’s become apparent what serious serious business this show is.
Quite. Tameka’s next, and she reveals that next week she and Gorka THE CORKA (*drink*) will be dancing the tango AND SHE DOESN’T MEAN THE FIZZY DRINK and also she thinks that Gorka should be DRESSED AS VIN DIESEL with her as THE CHICK IN THE PASSENGER SEAT WAGGLE WAGGLE SILLY FACE.
Yeah I…just don’t find her funny, I think I’ve established that for sure now, sorry guys. Matter of taste. It’s like Mrs Browns Boys or Seinfeld or Caitlin Moran or flipping Anchorman. Sometimes it’s just not happening. Greg next cosigns the fact that he never ever wants to do a tango ever again, because he really hates how it made everyone talk about his magnificent arse, please people, do not ever talk about his magnificent arse ever again, he hates it, and then Daisy reveals she’s going to be playing Mary Poppins for Movie Week. Please let Aljaz be one of the penguins, please let Aljaz be one of the penguins, please let Aljaz be one of the penguins…
Louise is up afterwards, talking about how very grateful and humbled she is to have been saved from the dance-off, all whilst sat there
rubbing her tummy like she’s actually pregnant. Have we covered that angle of why she might be dressed in a fumigation tent every week? TO THE RUMOURMOBILE! KEVIN’S GOT ANOTHER CELEBRITY WHO’S UP THE DUFF! HE’S HUMAN IVF! Will Idol then closes off this round of interviews by saying that it feels like he’s back in Pop Idol, except without Simon Cowell, so it’s much nicer. I swear, Will Young vs Simon Cowell is the Bette Davis and Joan Craford of Brit reality tv feuds. Even long after Craig Phillips and Caggy, and Richard Park and Patrick Kielty have buried the hatchet, these two are still going to be at it.
Not like that.
Next up, our musical guest for the evening.
A lone Bee Gee, performing his new single which honestly sounds like someone reciting all those two letter words you need to learn to be really good at Scrabble. The performance also features
the most awkward Bongos player in the world. Which is quite a title to hold. Every time the camera switches to him it looks like he’s worried that if he looks too happy Dave Arch will stuff him under the stairs alongside the Man In The Hat. Dancers on accompaniment duties are Giovanni and Janette, doing a whirling rumba with
appropriate bendy interludes. Actually the whole thing from the point they walk on just kind of devolves to the point where it feels like Barry’s just
decided to have a gawp rather than carry on with the song. And who can blame him? DO YOU SHOULD BE DANCIN’!
LEN’S GLANS! They really have run out of comedy intro bits to do haven’t they? Woo woo he’s wearing glasses the end. First up we slow down Daisy’s illegal lift so that Len can argue the toss, although it sounds like even he wishes he hadn’t bothered now, saying that really it was a borderline case. You can tell it’s one of those occasions where he really wishes the audience had started booing him and throwing things so he could act all affronted, but it was the pretty “overmarked” model girl rather than a woobie-faced hunk, so they couldn’t be arsed, and now he’s wishing he’d decided that the stuff between Danny and Oti with the bag was FAFFIN ABAHT, rather than a delighftul modern twist. Claudia jokes that is all looks more like a turn to her and then Len sighs resignedly that she couldn’t do it alone. Like Cloudia could have hurled herself out the window to have a snog and a cider in the park on her own. Next up, Darcey tells us all why she found Danny’s Viennese Waltz too skippy but let’s face it
we’re all just revelling in the joy of more Smug Oti (/Gloti, as was suggested in my comments section last night).
Craig gets his lumps in next, demonstrating to us all what “hyperextension” is, in the context of Cloudia.
It is this. Apparently. Craig sighs that this often happens to contestants “from an acro background”. I love when Craig gets all slangy to try to come off like he knows what he’s talking about. JUST SAY GYMNASTICS CRAIG. Even Darcey gets snarky here, pointing out that that’s, like, four contestants in the entire history of the show dear, not quite enough to make a sample set, even for YouGov’s Brexit polling. Len explains that she was probably just trying to fill in the gaps in the music with motion, because heaven forbid anybody be still even for a moment on this show. We close with an audio clip of Tameka yapping away like a chihuahua with haemerrhoids during her Charleston. Bruno gets to talk about this, because it is a language he speaks fluently.
Now, another round of
these bad boys. You really were expecting better of Rinder in particular weren’t you? Still, early days. This leaves Melvin and Naga hovering over the drop zone with
this one being the one to sink to the bottom. This means that either Brenda or Janette is joining the First Boots club tonight. Naga hugs Pasha and promises into his ear that she’ll do better next week. Pasha’s face reads
“don’t be in any rush, there’s two for one on Pina Coladas on Erin Island”. Melvin and Janette wander over to Tess where Melvin says he’s really disappointed to be in the dance off, but he’ll do the dance again, and he’ll smash it again.
He says that, but that face does not read to me as someone all that keen to face off against a weeping middle aged woman panicking over her mastesctomy scars. To be honest. Tess then turns to Len, and says in her usual semi-accusatory tone of voice, that LEN said that MELVIN wouldn’t be moving on out tonight! Len does the usual and huffs that he’s surprised that Melvin is in the Bottom Two because he produced a perfectly acceptable standard of dancing for this week of the competition.
Daisy/Louise – 16
Claudia/Danny/Laura/Will – 15
Tameka – 14
Anastacia/Greg/Lesley/Ore/Rinder – 13
Ed/Melvin/Naga – 12
Maybe Melvin had a hard 12 or something. (Not like that). Bruno is next asked what his advice for Melvin is, and he tells him to keep his energy up, but also not overdo it. Physician, heal thyself.
Back to Claud 9
and Ed Balls starts us off with the usual patents “I loved that dance so much I really wanted to do it again…OH NO, BUT NOT IN THE DANCE OFF WHAT AM I SAYING?!!!” routine, before Judge Rinder tells us all that for Movie Week next week, he’s going to be playing a Flintstone.
Please let it be Pebbles. Claudia then turns to Naga and tells her that she must have been extra worried given that her name ended up being called last (Pedants Corner : no it wasn’t), and she says that she’s just so sad that her friends Melvin and Anastacia are in the bottom 2 and that one of them will be leaving. I always think calling them your friends in Wk 2 is a bit premature. Nobody’s going to even remember either Melvin or Anastacia were ever here by about 7. They’ll try to get in the Whatsapp group and be greeted by NEW PHONE WHO DIS? Ore next
debuts the Dr Hamela prayer hands for the series. What a joy to see them back. We close up with a round of “ME NEHHHHHHHRVES” from Danny, and Cloudia saying she’s really looking forwards to Charleston next week so she can move her…well she doesn’t clarify what she wants to move, but it’s definitely below the waist.
After a brief trailer for Movie Week we return
to see a shot of Claudia, centre screen, looking as serious as possible, just like we will before we’re all told to get in our bunkers and huddle together for warmth. She tells us that in between Anastacia being announced as being in the Bottom 2 and now, it has been determined she cannot perform in the dance off, and according to the rules that definitely exist, the elimination will now be determined by whoever has the lowest number of public votes. And if you thought this explanation was unconvincing at the time (I’m of two minds myself), just think how it would have come off if it had been Tess.
Anyway, the person with the fewest votes between Anastacia and Melvin (wouldn’t it have been hilarious if it had been who had the lowest public votes overall and Claudia had just randomly boomed out “DAISY, YOU ARE ELIMINATED!”) is Melvin, so he will be leaving tonight.
It’s a shame, because he came across as really likeable, but he really wasn’t a very good dancer at all, and in a cast full of both likable people and people with potential, I can see why he slipped down the cracks and became one of our younger First Men Out. Janette for her part says that for her part that Melvin is one of those people who, as soon as you meet them, you know that you’ll remember them for life. Unlike that arsehole whatsisname she had last year.