A hodge-podge, Frankenstein, strung-together, hot glued, staple gunned, mish mash, half arsed, ticky tacky semi-recap of the NIGHT OF THE RINGER WALTZES.
Ed Balls Welcomes You To This Week’s Mess
Yes, as it’s the first proper week of the show, and I don’t have the budget to pay for all the Lucozade I’d have to pass around to get my readers past the 10,000 word mark of a recap for 15 celebrities, you’re getting another random collection of observations, polls, pictures, and comedy skits that would even get rejected from The Now Show. Enjoy, as much as you are able, and then get ready for next week, when we begin again proper. (Apart from how I’m about to ask you to vote to expel someone from the recap because it’s still too many celebs to cover in one go oops)
The Most Insightful Judge Comments Of The Weeeeeeek
“You need to get out your water cannon!”
“You’re very good at busting your own moves”
“Oh my, well, you’ve got a hot little body there”
“You flung away your top and then you got a little bit over-excited there”
“I could have done without that bum rub”
“You have to be careful not to step it so much”
“Just think! SLIDE THEM SLIDE THEM SLIDE THEM DOWN!”
“It felt like you were dancing the dance with your frame”
“Your arms looked like water, like Darcey Bussell”
“That was the wrong side of goofy”
“You were OOZING it”
“It’s good to see the funny side of balls”
“I would have liked you to have nailed the routine better”
“Talking of Naomi Campbell, your tension doesn’t carry through the body”
“You went from Fred Astaire to FRED INSANE!”
“You should have attacked the upper body like you did below”
“Those legs are far too long, TAKE THEM AWAY!
Just Know Daisy, That Whilst You May Be Beautiful, You May Be Near The Top Of The Leaderboard, And You May Get To Spend 20-30 Hours Per Week In The Same Room As Aljaz’s Arse
You will NEVER ESCAPE THE REINDEER GHOSTS THAT DESTROYED HELEN GEORGE! NEVER!
Ore And Jo-Jo WIDE A FI-FI ENJIN!
Over the years Strictly has been used by a vehicle by a number of ex-kids tv presenters hoping to make the transition into the world of sober grown-up broadcasting (and/or The One Show). Matt Baker, Gethin Jones, Zoe Ball, Caroline Flack, and even Christmas Special Helen Skeleton all used Strictly as a springboard to the adult leagues (in the case of Caroline Flack, the softcore adult league with Shag Island). Ore Oduba on the other hand, seems to be going in the other direction. Maybe having dipped a toe in to the world of competitive sports reporting it’s all too much and he wants to go back to explaining to kids how a volcano works? Maybe Gabby Logan bullies him, maybe Sue Barker tried to seduce him in Rio, maybe he just thinks kids are really neat? But if you’d told me before this series started that I’d get Ore Oduba handling his big hose, showing his arms off, pole dancing to Donna Summer, and closing it all off with
spraying in my face, all dressed as a hen night fireman, and I’d find it THIS sexless, I’d have said you were mad.
Greg Rutherford Gets Blown
Romeo & Juliet : The Twirly Years
Yes, a feud between salsa dancers and froofy ballroom dance dress enthusiasts on the steets of Batley, finds a moment of peace as the two youngest members of each clan sneak out for an illicit waltz to “You Light Up My Life”. And what rebels they were as they danced by moonlight, throwing in
gymnastic poses and running splits and nearly lifts, even though Uncle Len warned them not to last week. Fortunately Uncle Len appears to have been…fraternising with Nursie for most of the dance, as all of this went pretty much unremarked upon. Personally I enjoyed it, because I love a good doomed suburban romance with plenty of schmaltz, but it is becoming increasingly obvious that for all the talk amongst the contestants as to who the most nervous is, nobody is bricking it more than AJ Pritchard hoping his big break in the biz goes as planned, which is oddly endearing.
A Section I Can Only Adequately Describe as “Smug Oti”
Will & Karen Rock Around The Clock
It’s odd adjusting to the world of a Strictly where, 14 series in, we finally have an Openly Gay Contender. In that it makes to hard to sit here and wonder how appropriate to sit here and point out
just how limp-wristed Will was throughout this entire routine. Is it a stylistic choice? Is it a mistake? Do we sit here and say that Karen has to work on making his wrists more butch, or just accept that like with Jason Donovan or Tom Chambers and other theatrical heterosexual types, that these dances are going to feature a bit little bit less edge and danger and a little bit more
collapsing to the floor like Lady Gaga just walked past wearing a dress made entirely out vinyl records and trailing a whiff of poppers like priests carry insense. Regardless, if the slight minciness of the routine made it Very Will, the jive was made even more Very Will by the fact that he did the whole thing in a pair of Converse and in a pair of trousers that yet again didn’t quite fit right. LAZY GOD.
Dear Deirdre :
I am in a terrible pickle. I have recently made friends with someone at work. We spend all day together as we have to work on a shared project together. This friend I get on really well, but we’re starting to get annoyed by everyone saying that we should be a couple. Why can people not see that men and women can just be friends without sex getting in the way? He has just broken up with another girl and it makes me awkward to have everyone cooing over us. All we do is stare into one anothers eyes
go on nights out for Comedy VTs
dance closely together under the stars
stare intensely into one another’s eyes some more
and also the odd handjob. Why do some people just have to gossip? Why won’t they just leave us to get one with our work unbothered. It’s not as though I’m imagining MARRYING the guy or anything.
Yours in frustration,
Mrs Laura Perni…shit
The Production Team Find Out About Lesley’s GlitterPhobia At The Worst Possible Time :
It seems increasingly that Lesley and Anton are warming to one another, in a Sub and Dom sort of way, and this cha cha was better than it had any right to be, mostly because it played exactly to what we all wanted from Lesley
Rampaging Sex Cougar (yes you did want that, don’t look at me like that). It’s like she looked at Anastacia’s routine from last week and thought “Lady Marmalade? How about Lady MAYONNAISE!”. It’s all campy and silly and utterly out of control, and in terms of cha cha technique it’s hard to tell whether the legs are bent or straight, but they’re certainly always wide open. I think my favourite part was this end pose
which looked like the weirdest “giving birth” scene you ever did see, right out of a David Cronenberg film.
After 6 Series As The Most Relentlessly Upbeat Male Pro, Always Supportive, Always Happy, Never Defeated, Finally Pasha Kovalev Encounters Something Even He Is Disgusted By
WHAT IS THIS WIG?
Greg Rutherford’s Arse : A Journalistic Investigation
Oh wait, that last one is his face, my mistake. I would have thought a lifetime of nude and semi-nude photoshoots would have made him a better model but I guess no-one was ever looking up there were they? This week was the week that we learnt that the tango is a very HARD DANCE FOR THE TALL MALE CELEBRITIES WITH A MASSIVE ARSE to do, because it plays havoc with your frame, and prevents you from achieving the v shape required for a tango hold. Although I can’t imagine trying to do your tango to “Jump” by Van Halen, just because you’re a long jumper helps you any either. Fortunately Natalie was on hand to troll mightily with her choreography, as rather than doing a full athletics themed routine complete with sandpit and Craig comically running on with a red flag and a bit of blu-tac at the end, she just had Greg
do a big jump at the end. Attagirl Nat.
Mummy, When I Grow Up I Want To Be A
Noun : A school of choreography invented by Darren Bennett, and practiced by notables including Joanne Clifton, Kevin Clifton, and anyone who was ever in a Bugsy Malone. Braceography places an emphasis on cheekiness and sauciness, but in the hands of an inexperienced practitioner, can look more like someone trying to get a sulky 6 year old to put their seatbelt on.
A Day At The Seaside
I can’t believe that we didn’t get one joke about how Tameka was wearing that nose-plug when she emerged from behind the judges desk because Craig smells funny. Don’t tell me this show has a less juvenile sense of humour than I do, I refuse to believe it. After debuting the paso doble last week, Tameka also got to break in the Charleston, performing a very familiar sort of beach based routine with the usual “butt grab and wiggle”, “slap the floor then slap your arse” and “Team Cola Breaststroke Ride Of Ectacy” moves we all know and remember from Strictly Charlestons past. She did come a cropper though when asked to swing between Gorka’s legs, as she didn’t appear to want to ever leave the space between his balls and his bumhole. And while I empathise, people are watching you Tameka, you have to let go of him at some point. Not exactly reinventing the wheel, quite a few awkward moments, only one facial expression, but Gorka in a onesie will go a long way towards covering up a multitude of sins.
Will & Karen Go To The Movies
It’s the home video of the Clifton wedding!
“And that’s how we spent our honeymoon night”
(My favourite part of this whole segment was Will frantically asking Karen why she’d locked the doors TO A CONVERTIBLE. Like Will is such a Lazy God that he hates it, but he’s not stepping over a car door to get away, thank you very much)
A Night Under The Stars
Not sure that manspreading is the best way to win votes Giovanni, but it’s your choreography. As if their VTs weren’t enough this waltz between Laura and Giovanni was
Shipper Bait from beginning to end. And at the rate this romance is running we’ll be witnessing the fridge scene from Last Tango In Paris as a rumba in Movie Week, complete with a special prop stick of butter that Claudia will hilariously slip on in an after-dance interstitial before Ore and Joanne do a paso doble dressed as Wallace & Gromitt. I mean, I’m not one to complain overmuch about the camerawork obscuring the footwork, but it would have been nice to see SOMETHING below boob-height on occasion. They’re in serious danger of headbutting the cameralens there, and those things aren’t cheap to replace. Don’t even ask me
what’s going on here, but I’d like to have heard her post-show phone call girly chat to her granny in Ireland this week. The erotic tension in the room was palpable throughout, as AJ was left wondering
just how Cloudia’s father would murder him if he did those moves in his routines with her. Acid bath? Disemboweling? Quick ice-pick through the eye socket?
Adjective : thoroughly charming
Ex : When he was finally allowed to talk, the contributions of the new pro dancer were utterly agorkable.
Yes, a tango themed around two hotel staff fighting over who gets to deliver Bruno’s suitcase to him, all being danced to “Moving On Up” by M People. Makes sense. Who knows what it is inside Bruno’s case that is of such high value? (lol jk we all know it’s cocaine, it’s not even worth doing a poll, it’s totally cocaine). I think the worst moment of overtheming is probably when they have to play around with the lugage rack but it’s just Janette
crawling all over it doing that Nosferatu face she always does in the tango. Like, what are you even fighting over at this point, you’ve put the luggage down. I swear this all makes even less sense than American Horror Story : Hotel, and I do not say that lightly. As for the dance itself…many years of this show has left me numb to just how skilled the female pros are at back-leading their male celeb through the ballroom dances, whilst still leaving a credible illusion that the male celeb is leading. Not this week. Janette was dragging Melvin around that dancefloor like a Brenda Cole Special. The judges also went in on him for being Stompy and Boxy, which coincidentally will be the names Miley Cyrus gives to her twins when they are born in 2023.
OH LOOK THEY’RE ALL TANGOS WHAT A SURPRISE.
Coming Up This Week On The Bachelor : Junior Edition
The most devastating elimination ceremony yet as a pool party date for AJ with the final 6 girls gets CATTY.
I feel like Kevin has used this stage set before. Possibly with Susanna. Which is probably a good omen because it’s the last time I really liked him. This whole Viennese Waltz routine is…wait for it…say it with me…nice. There’s lots of
pretty ballerina turns, and stage school spins, and tasteful twirls and moments of reflection that are so
“NOT TONIGHT DARLING LET’S JUST HAVE A CUDDLE” that you wonder if Kevin downed an entire garlic panini before taking to the stage. They danced it to Hallelujah and I would boggle that someone could take a song about unrequited love, bondage, and persisting with a shattered dead relationship because she makes you cum real hard, and make it nice, but I guess all of 21st Century pop culture bet her to it (THANKS A LOT SIMON COWELL!)
HI JANETTE! I KNOW WE DIDN’T MAKE THE FINAL BUT I THOUGHT I’D COME BACK AND SING FOR YOU ON YOUR HONEYMOON ANYWAY! HI ALJAZ! OOPS, NO UNDERWEAR HA HA HA! I’M JUST GOING TO DO MYSTERIOUS GIRL, INSANIA, FLAVA, MYSTERIOUS GIRL (2004), I FEEL YOU, THEN MYSTERIOUS GIRL AGAIN! JUST RECORDING THIS ALL FOR MY NEW ITV2 SHOW : PETER ANDRE – LOVES HIS KIDS! FEAT. HIS KIDS! HOPE YOU DON’T MIND!
So rather than recap Anastacia’s dance this week which, let’s face it, was a crap salsa being made up on the spot which followed a borderline racist VT where Anastacia pretended to be “Latina” by running around shouting “AI AI AI PAPI OH NO CHOO DI’NT!”, this blog has decided to release a short series of dry statements on Anastaciagate.
- I think Anastacia’s behaviour is generally perfectly understandable and human. As someone who has quite a few times arrived at work only to be sent home because I was too ill (yes I’m a goody goody WHAT OF IT), and shouldn’t have come in in the first place, I can empathise.
- Having said that, if your doctor tells you not to do something, it’s probably best that you listen, as this amply demonstrates
- I think either a decision to eliminate Melvin (based on his lower public vote, a dance-off not being possible) or Anastacia (based on her inability to complete an integral element of the show on a week when she herself elected to compete) would have been a fair one, and people who are yelling RIGGED or COLD HEARTED are, as usual, doing the most.
- This should count as Anastacia’s one week bye as has previously been granted to Jade, Natalie Gumede, and Tiny Tina Sniffles A Lot, and if she cannot compete due to injury this week she should be eliminated, as was the case with Jade
- I think a modicum of empathy that this happened because she tore her mastectomy scars wouldn’t go amiss.
- I think that people who think this will set a precedent, and that celebs will now start “throwing sickies” willy nilly to avoid the chop, show a really limited understanding of human nature, so it doesn’t surprise me at all to see the Jordans heading up the charge. Yes I’m sure that the celebs are looking at how Anastacia’s decision has been greeted by the public and thinking yes this something I should definitely try I would definitely then win.
- LOL Brenda got elbowed in da face
He’s A Lumberjack And It Was…Actually OK!
I mean, with the best will in the world, that’s not a cowboy is it? Did they not have Ashley Taylor Dawson’s paso hat left over? This is Uncle Merle and Cousin Daisy back at the ranch cooking up beans whilst the Real Men are out rounding up the cattle, let’s be honest. As soon as it was confirmed that Ed had Charleston this week I knew he wasn’t going anywhere because…this is why he was cast. Gifs, memes, pratting about, and silly outfits. Nobody invites politicians on this show for them to be dignified. He was mostly in time
(although if I can do this to Peter Andre I can do it to Ed Balls) (not a sentence I ever envisioned typing), put a lot of energy into it, and hey, even if he was incredibly clumsy, he did manage to summon up more facial expressions than Tameka managed to, even if I do feel a bit like they’re the last thing I’ll be seeing before I die one day. Flashbacks of my life intercut with Ed Balls charleston face. It didn’t deserve the 3 it got from Craig, or the 7s it got from night on everyone else. Nice to be able to disagree with every single judge for once, outside of a Lisa Snowdon routine.
A Letter From A Reader
Dear Monkseal Fans,
If U R Looking For Your Friend The Man In The Hat, I Have Hiddin Him In A Place Where U Will Never Find Him, Not Even If U Look For 100 Yrs. He Is A Bad Man, Not The Nice Person U All Think He Is And He Thought He Was The Star Of The Show But He Was Not He Just Does The Double Bass That Is A Rilly Easy Instrument To Do There Are Other People In The Band U KNOE AND THEY WOULD NOT BE NOT ANYTHING IF IT WERE NOT FOR THE LEAERSHIP OF DAVID ARCH WHO IS NOT ME. If U Wud Like To See The Man In The Hat (AKA TREVOR THAT IS HIS REAL NAME WHICH IS BORING NOT A FUN COOL NAME LIKE DAVE) Plz Pay Ten Thousband Pounds Sterling And Leave It Under Bruno’s Chair He Owes Me A Favour And Will Bring It To Me, Also Do Not Call The Police I Have Included A Piece Of The Hat In This Envelope And If You Tell Them I Will Cut Off More Bits And Send Them To You.
Son Of Strictly
Cha Cha Choices
It takes a deep well of swagger to convincingly pull off a routine to a Tina Turner song. You need to, in the words of ontological philosopher Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace, know yourself (little girl) if you want to try to match up. Natalie Gumede had it (and even then the sheer force of Tina made her faint first time she tried and she had to wait until the tour to do it properly), Peter Andre did not. Neither Alex Jones not Verona Josephs had it, but Claire King did in spades. It doesn’t take talent (Tim Wonnacott brought it in spades to Simply The Best, and most weeks Natalie was moving him around like a particularly overstuffed Ottoman) but Ramps was the KING of having it, right up the Goldeneye. Naga? As if you needed to be told after her waltz last week, does not have the spirit and soul of Tina Turner living inside her. She might boss around everyone on BBC Breakfast at will, but this routine was supposed to show a woman taming and then rejecting a straying spouse, and it looked frankly like she was begging him to come back and prop her up from about 5 seconds in.
The Robert Rinder Acting Masterclass
Bitchin Out Craig
Actual Human Being
Even if you’re not sold on Benedril Cumberclaart’s skills, you can at least see why he became an actor and Judge Rinder became the…law talking guy, can’t you? In a way this routine was the reverse of last week – where there Judge Rinder showed megabuckets of personality and skimped on the technique, this week he seemed focused squarely on getting the technique right, and the performance side got a bit lost and awkward. Hopefully in the coming weeks he can bring the two together and become a real contender (to make it to about 6th/7th place). And what better place to do that than a FLINTSTONES THEMED CHARLESTON IN MOVIE WEEK?!
Laura Practices Her Crab Walk Early For Next Week’s Exorcist Themed Rumba
YOUR MOTHER SAMBA WALKS IN HELL!
YET ANOTHER LIFTGATE HOORAY, SIGN ME UP!
There it is ladies and gentlemen, the lift that caused Len Goodman to crack and bring out “NOW I’M GETTING REALLY SERIOUS ABOUT LIFTS NOW, DEFINITELY THIS TIME, OH IT’S HAPPENING, BELIEVE ME!” speech. Not
or this one. I guess three in one show is his tipping point. So to be clear, Len will be knocking off a point for every lift he sees in future, definitely, he wasn’t just doing it this time to try to balance out some of the schtick he got for giving a 9 to Daisy last week, absolutely not. Other than the…scandal, this was a very Model cha cha, all
“I’ve got legs, yes I do, I got legs, how bout you?” which might work for the heterosexual men in the audience but…how many of those do you think there are? Jump off something, have some explosions, do some Michael Jackson moves, this business might be cute, but it doesn’t sell tickets, and as the one NON-RINGAH really dancing competitively at this point in this year of stage school grads, I am weirdly invested in Daisy. I still want a YEAR OF THE MAN, but even that needs to have a Last Woman Standing, and she’s the closest I’m coming so far to a favourite for the role. Certainly it’s better than that mess she did at the Launch Show. Also
Aljaz’s face when Len called him out on the lift was the cutest thing that happened the entire night, even more so than the Shadow Home Secretary’s face lighting up with pride at watching the former Shadow Chancellor do a Charleston dressed as someone in a gaybar in a Casualty circa 1998.
Zorb And The Geek
I just wanted to make that pun. Much like the VT itself, this segment has no content (other than to celebrate the return of Glasses Kevin)
NO! MORE! UNDONE BOW TIES!
EVER! I like you Oti, and your glorious smugness and your attacking getting a rare Male Ringah like an anaconda attacking a meatball sub, but I have my limits. As we get Dark Waltzes at about a 25% rate on Strictly these days, we were due one, and Danny and Oti gave us a tempestuous tale of fall-out and fighting over a
glittery sports bag. Either Oti brought Danny the wrong brand of protein powder, or she’s found Oksana’s gym knickers in there or…oh let’s face, it’s probably to do with Bruno’s cocaine again. Yet again from these two this was a very accomplished and exciting routine, danced at 100mph, technically pretty great, with lots of personality. It definitely wouldn’t hurt them maybe to, just for one week, slow down, lock the props drawer, bin the storybook, and just dance. Without an undone bow tie.
Paddle Faces In Leaderboard Order From Top To Bottom