The Apprentice Monkie Of Monkies

The results!

Best Task : (Nominees : Soap Task – Series 5, Cereal Task – Series 5, Paris Selling Task – Series 7, Dubai 10 Items Task – Series 9)

Winner (38%):

Runner-Up : Dubai 10 Items Task (24%)

Is there a more iconic Apprentice moment than “four hundred and fifty…shit”? Probably not. Even if the rest of the episode was just Noorul somehow winning a task as PM by just staring into space with a look on his face like he was trying to remember who was the captain of the FA Cup winning team in 1991 (it mostly was) then that moment alone, of Nick dropping a bomb in the middle of everything, and leaving everyone else to tidy up the mess (possily by shoveling it into Kate Walsh’s ever expanding gob), would be enough for this episode to be an all time classic.

Smash Hits Sexiest Male :  (Nominees – Chris Bates, Nick Holzherr, Solomon Akhtar, Tom Gearing)

Winner (31%) :

Runner-Up : Chris Bates (29%)

It’s the little pokey-out tongue that makes it really erotic isn’t it?

Smash Hits Sexiest Female : (Nominees – Dr Leah Totton, Liz Locke, Luisa Zissman, Roisin Hogan)

Winner (32%) :

Runner-Up : Dr Leah Totton (25%)

A far more demure picture of Liz here, mostly because I feel guilty that the very first plank of my Apprentice recaps readership was built on people googling for pictures of her tits (just as the first plank of my Strictly recap readership was built on people googling for top-off pictures of Matt Di Angelo).

Worst Candidate (Personality) : (Nominees : Adam Corbally, James Hill, Melissa Cohen, Selina Waterman-Smith)

Winner (33%):

Runner-Up : James Hill (25%)

The one winner (indeed ultimately the only nominee) from the most recent series of The Apprentice, and it’s in the category of Most Disliked. It’s no wonder I gave up the full time coverage isn’t it? In fairness to Selina, she is the most pantomime of all Apprentice villains, ordering her driver to run over pedestrians, proclaiming her hatred of children, getting into a fist-fight with another candidate and generally scowling about the place like The Wicked Queen and Captain Hook combined. In a way, you feel, being the MOST of anything is what she would have wanted.

Worst Candidate (Talent) (Nominees : Ed Hunter, Melissa Cohen, Noorul Choudhury, Sarah Dales)

Winner (36%) :

Runner-Up : Melissa Cohen (23%)

Oh Sarah Dales. What a calamity. Series 10 spread its nets wider than ever before and look what it trawled in. A PA/hypnotherapist with an obsession with lemons and an absolute inability to do anything other than be the very best at being marginalised in Apprentice history. Possibly the only Apprentice candidate ever to be bested at business (on camera at least) by a penguin. Congrats also to Melissa Cohen for finishing in the top 3 in terms of both being incompetent and personally awful. Quite a legacy.

Best Candidate (Personality) : (Nominees : Jason Leech, Stella English, Tom Pellereau, Yasmina Siadatan)

Winner (38%)

Runner-Up : Tom Pellereau (27%)

I’m sure you factored in his position as the only Apprentice contestant to ever buy me dinner (twice) in your voting Jason as the most affable, likable, and all round tickety-boo Apprentice candidate of Series 5 to 11.

Best Candidate (Talent) (Nominees : Helen Milligan, Ricky Martin, Stella English, Yasmina Siadatan)

Winner (33%)

Runner-Up : Yasmina Siadatan (30%)

ALL HAIL THE HELEN ENTITY! DELIVERING VICTORY ALWAYS, FROM ALL ANGLES, IN ALL TASKS (APART FROM THAT ONE TIME, BUT THAT WAS MELODY’S FAULT). NOBODY IN APPRENTICE HISTORY HAS RECEIVED MORE TREATS THAN THE HELEN ENTITY! NOBODY HAS WON AS PM MORE TIMES THAN THE HELEN ENTITY! NOBODY HAS TRAVELLED FURTHER ACROSS THE GALAXY TO CRUSH NON-BELIEVERS THAN THE HELEN ENTITY! BYE BUNS FROM THE HELEN ENTITY’S BAKERY OR FEEL HER INTERSTELLAR WRATH!

Best Margaret, Nick, Or The Other Two (Nominees : Claude Littner, Kaen Brady, Margaret Mountford, Nick Hewer)

Winner (70%)

Runner-Up : Nick Hewer (18%)

Was there a more predictable result in these awards?

The Incidental Character Boyfriend Is : (Nominees : Chris Hoy’s Muscular Arse, Peter The Bookseller, SmugCow, Solomon Akhtar)

Winner (45%)

Runner-Up : Peter The Bookseller (23%)

Yes.

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14 thoughts on “The Apprentice Monkie Of Monkies

  1. Patrick

    wow those are some good tasks…. honourable mention for the Morocco Task where Jenny Celery got told off for being a bitch (was it a double jenny firing or did I imagine that?) and they got mixed up between Kosher / Halal / Islam / Judaism

    Reply
  2. tiredassshowgirl

    I was so happy Lucinda got as far as she did. It was my first season watching properly after #1 and was thrilled she was fucking everyone off…

    … wonder what Chris Bates looks like (naked) these days….

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Based on a quick google he’s fuller of face (could be a good thing) and more clean shaven (couldn’t be a good thing).

      Reply
  3. NotJohn

    Best Candidate (Talent) – Debra?

    If it was a talent for causing destruction, then I’ld say yes. But I don’t think that’s quite what we’re going for.

    Reply
  4. Bingham

    I know you’re not doing weekly recaps, but would you still be willing to do Apprentice Monkies this year? Predicting how the public will vote in them is always one of my favourite parts of any Apprentice series…

    Reply

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