Gleb Savchenko’s Masterchef Journey

Invention Test Fresh off his now infamous stated goal of coming on Celebrity Masterchef to learn to cook ice cream, Gleb is faced with a French themed mystery box of delights containing duck, bacon, sausage, snails, truffles, cheese, mushroom and pears. He opts to make…a pancake. With some fruit in it. Thanks to some antiques guy who I don’t recognise (and, due to the fact he’s this episode’s boot, I’m never going to bother to learn to), piling up everything in the box on one plate on top of a croissant, he is not the worst of the round. Meanwhile Gregg and John spend the whole time making fun of how vain he is whilst somehow managing to miss

the fact that Gleb’s lip fillers make Leslie Ash’s look subtle. It takes an eye for that sort of thing I guess.

Kitchen Round Gleb gets given a fish dish to prepare. He is quite good at it. It is the kitchen round so it’s quite boring. Unlike Natalie Lowe, Gleb doesn’t set anything on fire. He says “boom” once.

Elimination Round : Gleb’s divine laziness continues into the Elimination Round, where he makes a Russian salad (bits of veg and bits of sausage and mayo) with a vodka shot for starters and a Rusian burger (like a normal burger but with no bun, with mushroom sauce and little bits of carrot cut into stars) for the main. He sails handily on into the next round, thanks to the fact that Antiques Guy serves up a

bowl of turds, and Little Jimmy Osmond serves up

this. Frankly terrifying. We learn in this round that Gleb high fives more aggressively than most people do their murders.

Day 2

Relay Round : The Relay Round on Masterchef takes the following form

1. Based on a set of mystery ingredients, Contestant A chooses what two dishes to make and spends 25 minutes cooking it, all whilst Contestant B is hidden away backstage
2. Contestant B emerges, Contestant A is whisked back into their hole, and Contestant B continues cooking for 25 minutes having to either guess Contestant A’s intentions or over-ride them with better ones
3. Contestant A comes back out, and they finish the dish off together.

Placed in a team with tv presenter Cherry Healey (think Stacey Dooly but 8% less crap) (yes Gleb did somehow end up on a team with the only other woman in his heat why do you ask), Gleb continues his…laidback approach, and lets her take the lead in deciding what two dishes to make, with the given proviso that the main centre around turkey and the dessert around blackberries, cranberries or gooseberries. Such faith seems misplaced when Cherry decides to do a blueberry based dessert despite their complete absence from the bench, and also to utter the words “with potato wedges” about the main. MASTERCHEF Cherry, not Dinner Lady Idol. Still Gleb manages to go one better, when, having emerged for Part 2 on the above plan, he’s too lazy to look at anything below the countertop, missing entirely that Cherry has placed the main elements of both her planned dishes (roast turkey & veg, poached figs & “blueberry” sauce) in the oven already. Presumably because Gleb is used to a constant heat pumping out around crotch level and so doesn’t notice it. Fortunately Cherry just about manages to salvage things before Gleb sets the kitchen on fire.

The Sofa Slump Round :

The Mass Catering Round :

“We’ve got minced beef, so we can do a really good bolognese with tons of veg!”
“…OK so we do meatballs”

Despite the…continuing communication mishaps between Gleb and Cherry, resulting in Gleb walking around with

this face on the whole time, presumably angling for a featured role in Zoolander 3, he has a secret weapon in this round – yet another traditional Russian dish he just made up now in his head. Shortbread stuffed with cottage cheese! BOOM! GLEB SPECIAL! Literally the entire round is spent with everyone boggling at whether the British Men’s Hockey Team are going to be able to stomach Gleb’s biscuits…and then they can! They are in fact the best dish of the entire round, which is fortunate for Gleb because they’re the only input he has other than turning the hob on for the pasta water. Otherwise Gleb’s most notable contribution for this round is causing the team to run out of spaghetti twice because he’s too generous with handing it out. Not the first time Gleb’s got in trouble because he’s been too generous with his lengthy noodle.

The Chris Perves On The British Men’s Hockey Team Round :



Elimination Round 2 Unfortunately, when faced with the daunting task of cooking for Michelin Star chef de cuisine Christopher Biggins, Gleb collapses, serving up accidentally raw salmon on accidentally raw couscous followed up with a chocolate potato. Cherry, Jimmy, and Suprise Health Nazi Audley Harrison sail on into the next round, and Gleb’s Masterchef Journey concludes.

And that is the last we will ever see of him.

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17 thoughts on “Gleb Savchenko’s Masterchef Journey

  1. smaoifs

    Looking forward to it. The imagined Natalie from last year with vitamin soy in burnt carrots was hilarious.

    Reply
  2. ChaChaChavvy

    You never knew how much you wanted to see Gleb Savchenko do a mass catering challenge until the prospect is dangled in front of you. Please god, let it be in a bus depot in Dagenham. I think you’ve been a bit cruel about his lips there. Don’t you remember his terrible, terrible allergies? Ahem …

    Didn’t Natalie basically barbecue herself and yet not a hair nor drop of mascara moved out of place? I swear she’s from the same planet as Wonderwoman.

    I only watch Masterchef when people from Strictly are on it. Iveta next please – “My mother says man with bald head is like orphaned bear one must hold to one’s bosom. Here is pork chop covered in gold leaf.”

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Oh yes I forgot it was his allergies that made his lips swell up like that poor man definitely allergies.

      I think Natalie’s make-up is probably tattooed on tbh

      Reply
  3. Huriye

    Yay! For this blog! 😀

    In the 70s Heinz used to sell little tins of “salad” which consisted of chopped veg in mayo. Gleb must’ve found a rusty old tin from somewhere and just opened up another tin of spam to cube into it and then put it into a jelly dish. Weird. I was hoping for Borsht. But then Kristina already made that on another show.

    Reply
  4. Laura

    I loved that the narrator’s job description for Gleb was ‘glides celebrities around the Strictly Come Dancing ballroom’. Note the use of the plural, so either this was taped before he sacked it off or Anita has the star power of multiple Strictly contestants. (Well, certainly more than the middle-aged woman he probably would have got landed with anyway…)

    Reply
  5. Huriye

    Long Haired Lover From Liverpool for the win!

    I’ve never seen Cherry or her perfect red lipstick before, but how she didn’t get a shovel, smear it with cottage cheese, and whack Gleb’s mush, I’ll never know? She made 40 mains – meat and veg option – entirely alone, while Gleb faffed about for hours crimping pastry.

    Reply
  6. ChaChaChavvy

    What a wasted opportunity! Didn’t the producers know that it’s Aljaz who is the Frank Kermode of Strictly? He would have whipped up a tasty hake pie and got all those living museum types to completely re-evaluate their interpretation of the entire Bronte literary canon.

    I’m only in this now in the hope that someone chins Sid. Audley would be good but I reckon Little Jimmy or the Rev will break first.

    Reply

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