Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Final Results

Woobie vs Wookie vs Whoopee!

We open with

our four remaining contestants, all eyeing up that glitterball for their mantlepieces. Or at least the dinky miniature version they actually get to keep. Yes, out of the 15 celebrities who started this journey, only 4 remain – Harry 2.0, Chelsee 2.0, Jason 2.0, and Anton 13.0. The polite young boy band hunk, the ditzy Northern soap actress, the grizzled old 40ish showbiz veteran and…well, Anton. Again. Apparently he stopped caring when the public took to Lesley Garrett like a duck takes to arsenic in Series 1, but you know that deep down he still wants this. Presiding over the final tootles of this three round circus are

these two, following a costume change that’s really done neither of them any favours. Yes we’ve got a finale to finalise, featuring an elimination, the contestants favourite routines of the series, Ellie Goulding, a group dance and then finally the winner.

But first – a recap without any Greg in it at all, so let’s move swiftly on to revealing who’s finishing 4th. It’s

this pair. Lo, the dream has died. Once Anton’s recovered himself, Katie tells Tess that it’s ok – she’s completely out of her element here, and she’s just happy to have made the final. She descended from the ceiling from 20ft high in a spangly box! She danced the paso to O Fortuna whilst flamethrowers spurted everywhere! She vomitted in Tess’s handbag! (Sorry Tess). It’s been fab! She thanks Anton for teaching her how to dance and choreographing some great routines for her, and says that the public’s made the right decision because the final three are all awesome. Miraculously Anton just says “thank you”. That’s it. This is all very unusual for Anton. After a smattering of “Best Bits” they are sent off up to Claud 9 with the rest of the losers, and the lines are re-opened, whilst our three remaining couples perform their favourite routine of the series unless it occured in the last weeks or involves any backing dancers in which case they’re not allowed sorry Kellie’s American Smooth, sorry Jay’s tango.

Jay McGuiness & Aliona Vilani dancing the paso doble

Tess tells us that the paso doble is the perfect dramatic ending for Jay & Aliona’s Strictly Story. Her eyes say otherwise. SHE WANTS DAT JIVE, DAMNIT!

In his Strictly Story Final VT, the story being told is most obviously a visual one, as since Jay first emerged from the Porn Train all those months ago, he’s gone from being a

young Noddy Holder to a

young Richard Branson. WHAT A TRANSFORMATION! He tells us that it’s definitely been the scariest thing he’s ever done (apart from that one groupie with the metal eye) (Max’s cast-offs though…) and also probably the most rewarding. He says that he thought the whole thing was just going to be showbiz and jazz hands, and didn’t realise just how much hard work went into it. Yeah, you never got the impression that The Wanted were a boyband who particularly…considered anything they were doing. He says his first thought when he heard Aliona’s name was “BINGO!”. Aliona Bingo being his favourite porn star. Maybe. I don’t know straight porn. Anyway, he says that he and Aliona bonded really quickly and really fast because they’ve got so much in common. He doesn’t say what this is, so I presume it’s custard related. Aliona herself, carrying on the trolling she’s been doing all week, says that

Jay is the best dance partner she’s ever had. YEAH, TAKE THAT CURTAINS CUTLER! Actually this is the point where I should have realised that Aliona was about to quit the show and bugger off to live in Tony Jacklin’s Florida Mansion, as no way she can stay in the same country as the McFlea Fans after that comment.

We relive some of Jay’s Greatest Hits, and then visit with

40% of The Wanted. Max tells us that Jay has the biggest heart of any man alive, which only makes his achievement in winning more spectacular becaause that sounds like it would be quite the disability. Also you can see live in his eyes the moment Max decides to go in for Dancing With The Stars. He was in SIX EPISODES OF GLEE GODDAMNIT! Once these two hangers-on have dropped off, Jay tells us that we may be surprised to learn that he’s chosen his paso doble as his Favourite Dance, because his jive was perfect and he wanted to pick something he could improve upon. THAT WASN’T THE ASSIGNMENT JAY! NOT THE ASSIGNMENT! I think I was at peace with this choice until Jay decided to tell us how deeply the lyrics of it being his life and now or never and he just wants to live whilst he’s alive spoke to him on It Takes Two. It’s late-period Bon Jovi, can we not? Obligatory last shot of training room lights being turned off?

Check.

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Sadly, they are not trolling us, the band isn’t going to start up the first few bars of Chuck Berry, we’re never seeing that jive ever again. Instead their favourite dance really is that wk 5 paso doble, let’s all just live with it. To Bon Jovi. It’s clearly an improved performance from the first time – whilst his shaping was elegant and dynamic before he always seemed a bit awkward about womanhandling Aliona


and that’s no longer the case here. His arms are occasionally a little shaky, and obviously I’m not sure it’s genuine orfentic pas doble choreography to

point up yon rockin’ arm to God whilst your partners doing a floor spin, but as he and the song said, it’s his life, and if he wants to go out on his 4th/5th best dance, THEN HE WILL, GAWDAMNIT. Also if Jay and Aliona’s Banana Republic coup of this round to turn it into their own Redemption Arc Round sees off “Judges Choice” forever, then I’m willing to take that hit.

And that’s MY life. And that was Aliona’s life on Strictly.

They walk over to Tess, who sighs like the Mills & Boon sap that she is, that that was Jay and Aliona’s last dance together EVAH. Until the tour. What it actually IS the last time for though, is for Tess to

try to drag Jay’s fist into her cooch. Len starts for the judges, telling Jay that from Week 1, Len’s thought he was the most consistent throughout. Yes, like when he went from That Jive to That Quickstep in the space of a week. Or how he went from tripping over, forgetting his routine, and getting elbowed in the face to That Salsa in the same? How about that week where you suddenly decided that you’d never thought he was a dancer before but now you did? Anyway, he tells Jay it was powerful, aggressive and clean, well done. Bruno’s next

thanks Bruno.

Craig’s next, and tells Jay that when he joined the programme he had no personality, but now he has loads, all thanks to the MAGIC OF DAHNCE. And reality tv storyboarding. I’m not sure if the following cut to the

Remainders Bin of this year’s Potential Hunks is meant to be as cruel as it comes across at this point, but it does make me laugh all the same. Darcey closes us out by telling Jay that she can see that there’s a very sensitive man within him, but the confidence and shaping he brought to that dance means he’s Number 1 in her book.

omg was darcey a jay stan all this time i never noticed. Ah well, at least she got that male winner she said she wanted at the start of the series. For Christmas.

Up to Claud 9 and away from Creepy Uncle Tess they flee forever, and once they’re up there, Claudia reminds us all of just how nervous Jay was Week 1, and just how far he’s come since then. Jay jokes that he only doesn’t seem nervous now because he’s heavily tranquilised. Katie’s all

“you’d better not have got that out of my stash, I was saving that for one last wrap party blow-out! That Gleb wasn’t going to know what hit him!”. Jay goes on to say that that was the perfect end for him and Claudia’s all “was it? (You sure it wouldn’t have been the jive?)”. Scores are in

39. You can see before Craig throws it up that Darcey is actually punching him in the arm for not having given a 10. Ah well.

Georgia May Foote & Giovanni Pernice dancing the Charleston

Tess tells us that it was Georgia’s Charleston that really confirmed her as a contender for this year’s most coveted of titles – “One Of The Runners-Up To Jay McGuiness”. Also she’d been second on the leaderboard the week before and topped it the week before that so…you’d hope people would have already noticed, but apparently not.

In her Strictly Story VT it is

3 seconds before the word “amazing” is used. Just in case you were running a sweepstake at home. It then appears again at 33 seconds, 74 seconds, 85 seconds, 126 seconds, and 129 seconds. In fairness some of those are Giovanni. Obviously she’s rubbing off on him. The competition has also had highs and lows (mercifully for any of us playing the Georgia May Foote Drinking Game the word “rollercoaster” is not used) – topping the leaderboard with her Charleston and getting her first 10s was the highest high, and being in the bottom 2 with her foxtrot was the lowest low. I REFUSE to believe that Ghostbusters hair-don’t wasn’t your lowest low Georgia. That or the pharyngitis anyway. However, being in the Bottom 2 gave Georgia insight into the levels of fight that existed within her tiny Northern body, as she came back fighting. Sadly Giovanni does not wander in and start singing “I Didn’t Know My Own Strength” at this point.

Georgia goes on to say that she’s surprised herself by discovering that despite what she might have thought when she started, she actually ended up liking ballroom more than she did latin. I would be registering this more if we hadn’t been through the exact same thing last year with Frankie. And the year before that with Abbey. You’ll also note that when given the choice, Georgia didn’t fall in love with ballroom so much that she actually picked it as her Favourite. More pertinently, Georgia tells us that competing in this show, and the reaction of a live audience, including

MOTHERFLIPPING CLAUDE FROM THE APPRENTICE has made her realise that she wants to stop being a tv actress, and start becoming a theatre actress.

Someone cast this girl in La Prenj : The Opera fast. Backing Georgia up are her family



obligatory ballroom dancer grandmother, coot nephew, and her parents. Sadly her mother is not crying here, so it’s not quite the full May-Foote experience. Also no boyfriend. Georgia tells us that she’s doing her Charleston for the final, because she wants a 40. Got to like a girl with goals.

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Here we go again then, with their Hot Honey Rag Charleston. Yet again I feel mildly peeved that this isn’t closing the evening out, as should really be its destiny but we can’t have everything. If I recall correctly I did a load of pictures for this one last time, so I’ll try not to splurge, but it really is a very good Charleston. It’s fast, fun, and giddy, and I’d be very surprised if anybody’s eyes really went to Giovanni for more than a second at a time. It’s very much a showcase of what Georgia can do, and also entirely in the spirit of Chicago unlike, say, Anita’s Cellblock Tango, which was entirely in the spirit of ChicagHo : An Evening With Gleb, A Truncheon, and An Entire Pot Of Vaseline. The lifts are daring, the propwork is seemless, the side-by-side is impeccable (up until she loses sync with her Joe Varney at the end again, although at least she doesn’t spin off back towards the Orchestra Pit this time). Easily Georgia’s best dance of the series, and a worthy favourite.

At the end, Giovanni

hoiks his hat off his head and throws it high into the air…where it lands on Katie Derham’s face, leaving her temporarily blinded, and flailing around like Hyacinth Bucket until she falls down the entire flight of stairs up to Claud 9, whilst Anton gives out one last “HA HA MARVELOUS!”. Never mind, she’ll be fine again after a medicinal Turps.

Giovanni and Georgia skitter over to the judges, whilst Papa Clifton

lays a slightly awkward hand on her mother. Also Katie’s husband’s jacket is still flipping hideous isn’t it? Bruno starts

thanks Bruno. Craig follows, and says that he thinks Georgia’s had one of the biggest journies they’ve ever had on the show, from someone who only cared about getting the dance right to learning how to tell stories with her dancing. In fact she’s come so far that he’d be very proud to put her in one of his West End Shows.

Bless. Nice to see someone who still believes in showbiz sincerity. Georgia gets very squealy and overcome and teary over this so it would be churlish to point out “would be proud to” and “am going to” aren’t quite the same thing.

Darcey’s next and says that that routine was full of the naughty little Georgia we’ve fallen in love with. SHE! IS! TWENTY! FOUR! YEARS! OLD! Anyway she loved the way that Georgia played with the accents in the music and thinks she nailed it. Len’s last up, and says that as he was watching he just wrote down “Pure Joy” on his notepad. Now there’s judging for you. He tells Georgia that she’s a little fireball, and that in future if anyone ever asks him what makes a good Charleston he’s just going to tell them to go watch Georgia & Giovanni. That’ll make week 3 fun next year :

“Len, Mary & Gleb are going to be dancing the first Charleston of the series to the Bing Bong Song from Inside Out. What do you want to see in the Charleston?”
“Oh go watch Georgia’s on Youtube ya lazy cow”

Up to Claud 9 they wail, where Giovanni good-naturedly complains as Georgia produces enough fluid to keep Gleb in lap-dances for a week, that she’d been like this all week every week. Claudia then very slowly tells Georgia to make sure to watch Craig’s shows before she gets herself into anything she regrets before breaking the fourth wall to say

“no really they’re very good I’m sure” and it is the comedy highlight of the evening. Natalie Lowe’s the first to get the joke but

Katie’s reaction is probably my favourite. We revisit the fact that Chicago is Georgia’s favourite film, song, 70s soft rock group and brand of frozen pizza and then Claudia accuses Giovanni of crying like a little girl and he

denies, denies, denies, but the tracks are there. Although to be fair, that might just be sweat. Scores are in

40. Well at least something got a deserved one this evening.

Kellie Bright & Kevin Clifton dancing the Charleston

YES! I GET TO RECAP IT! SUCK ON THAT, GRIMSBY-HATAAAAAAAAAAHS! First of all, I am so impressed that not only do those Princess Leia “hair buns” look more like two giant rubber-band balls superglued to both side of her head, but also they’ve stuck sequins on them, because of course they have. Tess tells us that Kellie’s favourite routine is her Star Wars Charleston which does kind of give away the fact that they didn’t really have a stand-out dance for the first two thirds of the competition, so they’ve just had to fall back on the most gimmicky one. Well it was that or the Spy vs Spy suitcase flasher mac jive I guess. Tess tells Kellie “May The Force Be With You”. The force and the gurn.

In her Strictly Story VT, Kellie says that Strictly is without doubt one of the greatest things she’s ever done in her life. The thrills, the spills, the highs, the lows, the

in no way staged Comedy VTs. It’s been a constant delight. She thinks though, that the highest high was getting to dance with/

get her boob cupped by five different men in Blackpool. And that’s not even counting the aftershow party. Kevin meanwhile is most proud of how Kellie has always happily gone along with his WACKY concepts, from Star Wars to Boom! Shake The Room to shoving a firework up the exhaust pipe of Aliona’s BMW and running off. Kellie then goes into a bit about how Strictly has made her feel like when she was a little girl again, and she credits Kevin Clifton with that and she gets quite weepy and it gets a bit…much. He never raised his voice to her, he held her up when she was about to fall down, he’s her hero and everything she would like to be, she can fly higher than an eagle, because Kevin Clifton is the wind beneath her wings etc etc. Thankfully this treacle is then cut by

Danny Dyer being all “WORRGH, MY BIRD DESERVES TO WIN COZ SHE’S A PWOPAH SORRRRRRRRRRRT AND IF YOU VOTE FOR THAT FAHCKIN PRAWN FROM THE WANTED I’LL BE RAHND AND DOO YOUR FAHCKIN DOORS IN YA MAHG!”. That’s better. Also present are her husband and son

although her son could literally be not less interested in being filmed. I think he’s still playing with Kevin’s DANCIN WOWOT to be fair. Kellie and Kevin explain that they are doing their Charleston because it is fun. I guess it’s as good an explanation as any. They turn the lights out but

the sabres stay lit.

TO THE MILLENNIUM FALCON!

This routine was first performed in Movie Week, and voted off the blog by you heartless hatahs, so this is the first time I’ve really got my chance to put my opinion down about it on paper. So here it is : the first part, where the ship “crashes into a planet”, Kellie squeals “HELP ME KEVIN, YOU’RE MY ONLY HOPE!” then they both run down the stairs to the Star Wars theme whilst waggling their lightsabres about ineptly makes me die a little inside. It’s like watching cosplay as a disinterested observer (I am…not the biggest Star Wars fan, let’s put it that way) and the whole thing feels a bit like something that wouldn’t even scrape into an episode of The Big Bang Theory. I mean

this genuinely makes me cringe inside out I’m sorry.

But when they get to the actual Cantina Band segment of the dance? It’s genuinely infectiously goofy and delightful. The faces are cute,



the use of the canes/lightsabres is inventive and lively, the bit where they do some sort of hybrid Snoopy Dance/Brucie Velociraptor Shuffle makes me laugh out loud, and as a dance as a dance, rather than a “well everyone else mucked up this round so they’re the best” it’s the best argument for them to win the whole show of the evening. Unfortunately if you do compare it with the other efforts in this round, it becomes the best argument for her not to win, as, well, Georgia’s was better. And also, not to put too fine a point of it, in that dance your eyes were naturally drawn to Georgia, but in this one

they’re drawn to Kevin. Or at least mine are. Let’s not think about that too much.

CHEWIE IS POE DAMERON’S UNCLE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA SPOILERED YOU!!

The audience applaud and we cut right to Karen

losing it over her husband dressed in his dressing gown pretending to be Luke Skywalker. They’re an odd family arent they? Oh and Iwan looking like a Sith Lord there. And Peter like Jar Jar Binks. Tess starts the judges off, asking if Kellie would be a worthy winner based on that. Craig says that he thinks so, yes, but everyone in this final now really does deserve it. Throw something at him Katie, no court in the land would convict you. Make it heavy. He tells Kellie that she’s one of the most exciting performers he’s ever seen on the show and he really admires her commitment, especially as she’s working two jobs. Notice : not one of Craig’s critiques in this round has had anything to do with the dance. Anything at all. It’s all just platitudinous waffle. Darcey follows, and tells Kellie, rather ironically, that she is the PRINCESS OF PRESHISHUN. And SHOSHAGES. Lovely clean footwork, great side-by-side, general perfection.

Len’s next and tells Kellie & Kevin that he’s in love with them and they deserve to win. Well this just took a turn. Bruno closes

thanks Bruno.

Up to Claud 9 they fly, where Claudia opens by tackling the rather awkward subject of Len’s declaration of love for Kellie. Kellie says that she definitely loves him too. Definitely. Claudia then asks her if it was always going to be the Star Wars routine given all the hype around the new movie, and Kellie says there were a few she was pondering, and Kevin says that she really wanted to do Boom! Shake The Room. I hope to God that that’s a joke. Kellie says that in the end though it just felt like this was their dance, because it involves dressing up in silly costumes and arseing around with props. No disagreement here. Kellie goes on to thank everyone who’s worked on the show, possibly ever, and then the scores are in

39.

Final Final Leaderboard?

LET’S GET READDDDDDDDDDY TO FILLLLER!

Yes that is Joanne in there, try to look surprised.

First up, after a recap of all the dances we have seen so far this evening, it’s time for a VT that tells us what we’ve loved about this series. Yes, the whole evening has had that sort of feel about it hasn’t it?

This woman thinks that Iwan should have stayed much longer, because he would have become a really good dancer. She is wrong.

This guy really enjoyed when Tristan’s trousers were really really really tight. If you know what I’m saying.

These nurses really enjoyed all the extra shift work they got from men across the nation trying to recreate Jeremy’s showertime jive moves in the actual shower whilst it was running. THANKS JEZZA!

This woman would let Gleb bury himself in her so deep whoever pulled him out again would be declared the King Of England, because he is HOTTER THAN CHRISTMAS! He is the BEAST FROM THE EAST!

This woman likes to imagine floating away in Giovanni’s arms, like an angel wafting her gently up to heaven, the wonderful little Italian stallion! What a gentleman, what a lover.

This woman remembered Oti’s name.

The woman on the left got a hot flush at the sight of Peter Andre dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow. The woman on the right very much did not.

These women have “gone back to” Jay’s jive many times on Youtube. It’s nice to put faces to the…general stereotype I’ve had in my head, and it’s not entirely inaccurate is it?

This guy doesn’t have a favourite professional dancer, and thinks they’re all equally amazing. We’ll teach him though, won’t we guys?

This little girl thinks that Anita’s paso doble was amazing and she looked like a real matadoress and she did the caping in her living room and sent the video in to It Takes Two but they never showed it and then she cried.

This chap here thinks the girls this year have been incredible. You sure? You sure you didn’t prefer the boys? Would you like to have a discussion about this, give me a minute, come and sit down net to me over here, out of the way…

This guy thinks that squeezing tomatoes whilst squeezing down the camera-lens and sighing that Helen George is “lussssssssssh” was going to come across as much less…full-on than it did.

This woman liked Musicals Week. She’s wrong as well.

These guys have Georgia’s paso doble down as their dance of the series. They’d also like to know when Gleb’s gonna come back and make some more music with them man, that 3rd album was going to the breathrough chart smash! They could be the new BBMak man, what happened?

This guy

swears this glass was full just a minute ago. Now where’s that Katie Derham got to?

These women think that Craig’s too nice now and should go back to being an arsehole again.

This chap’s favourite judge is Bruno. This is definitely not because Bruno is at this moment just out of frame at the bottom of the picture.

This lady thinks that the standard has been so high this year that the only way they could possibly top it would be getting West End Legend Bonnie Langford to do the show next year. Have you heard of her? She’s GREAT!

Oh and nobody mentioned how much they loved learning how to do The Strictly.

Next up a musical interlude from the incredible inedible

Ellie Goulding! She’s doing her song “Love Me Like A Dude” from the hit movie 50 Shades Of Grey. At least I think that’s what she’s singing. That film’s all about kinky stuff like that right? To this end both Gleb and Aljaz come out and audition for the role of Mr Grey with the help of Oti and Janette.

Sadly that’s not Aljaz going to harpoon Gleb with Janette’s leg there. These things never get as nasty as you’d like.

Towards the end

those beads light up ooooooh.

Back up to Claud 9 now for some important news :

You’ll notice that Kevin looks nervous, Kellie looks a bit sick, Giovanni looks overwhelmed, Georgia’s going out of her mind, Jay looks awkward, and Aliona is counting down the minutes until she can bugger off to the golf course. Confusingly, as all the couples are stood there, Tess tells us that they’re all now going to tell us about their time on Strictly, and what it means to them. But she’s not going to speak to them, oh no, that would be too easy – she’s going to pop a montage on. Jamelia talks about how the show made her doubt herself and her dancing ability, Anita talks about how hot Gleb is, Carol talks about how lovely Pasha is, Ainsley continues to talk about the show at a…slightly more elevated level than it perhaps deserves, Jeremy clearly has a stinking cold throughout filming, Helen still clearly think she is Marilyn Monroe like Vivian Leigh thought was Blanche DuBois towards the end, Daniel still looks


effing terrifying, Kirsty reveals that she will be haunted forever by the sound of Alan Dedicoat’s voice, Pondray would like to remind us yet again that he got the first 10 from Len him, he did it, him, Iwan thinks that when he looks back on his time on Strictly, he’ll smile (you’ll be the only one mate) and Anthony’s most abiding memory is still the time when his trousers split and he mooned the nation. THE MAGIC OF STRICTLY!

Everyone having sentamentalised themselves thoroughly, it’s back to the floor for them all to, according to Claudia “show us what they’ve learnt”.






You will be unsurprised to find out that “what they’ve learnt” mostly involves props. Yes, it’s time for the annual Car Crash Closing Group Dance, as the celebrities clatter around mostly at random. It feels even less like a dance and more like a random after-classs tit around than ever, although I guess that’s part of its appeal. The dancing of most of the year’s cast is kept to a minimum. That is, apart from JamJars, who for some reason is allowed to

lead an entire line-up of pro dancers to Proud Mary. Truly she is living the Strictly dream. (Peter gets a similar segment leading the male pros but it’s off to the side but it’s mostly him doing disco arms and touching himself so…we all know who the real winners were in that particular “battle”) Oh yeah and

Helen does one of her more gynaecological lifts whilst Anita and Gleb recreate the Gleb Special. I’m so glad we didn’t have too leave this series without getting to see Helen flying around like a rapidly deflating sex toy one last time.

Your Class of 2015, ladies and gents.

Next up, as they clear the floor of debris and Helen’s stopper, we get a quick advert for the Christmas Special.

You make your own joke, I think it’s obvious what mine would be. Incidentally they appear to have got Pasha up as the zoombified corpse of Ronald McDonald, my poor baby. Oh and there’s added

BASSEY DARLINGS. No you can’t vote for her for best Guest Performer of the series, Xmas Specials aren’t canon.

And then we’re back again

with this year’s cast, for one last round of Claud 9 interviews. Claudia tells them all that she’s sincerely missed all of them, even though Katie is stood right there. They really are going to pretend she was never in the final aren’t they? Just Anton. That’s all it’ll say in the record books. Claudia turns to Daniel first and asks him if it’s true that he sends all the other contestants video messages. Daniel says that this is true

and that if the contestants wire up the 100k he’ll let them see their loved ones again. Claudia then asks Helen what it is that she’s missed most about Strictly, and she says that it’s been “being with these guys” but I’ve no idea if she’s referring to just the contestants or also the giant orange dancing furry hippos behind them. THEY SAVED HER FROM THE EVIL REINDEER YOU GUYS! WHO NEEDS DARCEY, HELEN’S GOT A NEW HERO! Claudia then offers to build Helen a great big house that they can all live in together…oh no wait that’s Big Brother.

Kudos to Carol for catching the snap that Anthony’s already done that show. And that Peter will in two years time at most.

Claudia next asks Jeremy what he’ll most remember from the show and if people still come up and ask him about the horse (why not the Thriller routine? That was better! Oh God that horse is going to be the new “REMEMBER WHEN SCOTT WAS DA CRAB!!!!” isn’t it?…) and Jeremy says that he’s sure it’s true for everyone that they’ll most remember their pro dancer, because they’re the best dancers in the world (…) and so patient. Jeremy then forwards an invitation to Craig to come to his house for Christmas Dinner. Yeah, I’m sure. Next Peter is asked who was the “naughtiest” rehearsing the final dance

Ainsley waffles on some more about how special and magical this series has been, and Carol gets the dubious honour of having to push the line that everyone there in the final is a winner.

Not really though, eh? Yes, despite a finale in which they reprised their worst dance, did a baffling showdance, and then held back their Holy Jive from the slavvering public in a quite vicious show of teasing, Jay & Aliona still stormed to victory. It’s almost as though all that stuff they were saying about this being the closest season ever and every dance in the final counting wasn’t true isn’t it? As Aliona and Jay hug and huddle and snuggle noses or whatever the hell it is they do in there, Georgia says it’s great just to have got to the final, Giovanni tells her she’s become a great dancer, Kellie says she’s so glad she got to do as many dances as she possibly could and also to entertain everyone, and Kevin’s sole contribution to this final round of chat is a rather terse “yeah”. I guess after three series in a row of being denied at the last gasp, you run out of things to say.


Jay and Aliona are left with the final word, which is him saying he feels spaced out, and then he and Aliona both telling the other that they deserve it, and Aliona muttering to Jay that they’re better together before

staring into his eyes as the audience whoop like someone just got proposed to on Friends. And people wonder why the press are shipping them they’re not exactly making it difficult are they?. Anyway, time to lift that glitterball high

or just continue to stare at one another. Whatever works for you. I wish the last words ringing through my ears from this series weren’t Tess burbling “AWWW IT’S SO SWEET! HE’S CWYYYYYYYYYYYING!” but here we are. Bring back Bruce and his Broom that’s what I say.

And so there we have it. We finally got our Year Of The Man. In the end it turns out it was just the one man, but let’s not ask for the moon whilst we already have our Strictly Stars. (Oh alright, maybe one from Pasha). For a series where pretty much all the contenders on paper seemed to be with pros for whom my interest has historically topped out at “indifferent” at best, it actually turned out pretty damn great. Well, until the last three weeks, but these things are a bugger to land. Congratulations to Jay, congratulations and goodbye to Aliona, goodbye to Ola, and a hopeful “see you next year” to pretty much everyone else.

UNTIL 2016 (/The Monkies)! NIGHT!

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18 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Final Results

  1. PerfectCustard

    At this point there is nothing to do but take another sip of wine and savor the total experience that is Strictly. I will miss cooking and eating dinner while watching Zoe Ball entertains me on
    ITT. I will peruse Monkseal’s blog, thinking fondly of weekly recaps. I will miss those great screencaps that say so much about the ludicrous dancefest known as SCD. So much glitter fondly skewered with great wit and even a little wisdom.
    So long celebs who tried so hard. Tip of the hat to Helen, Katie, Georgia, and Anita who I found so likable. The dancing was pretty damn good, let’s not forget that, amid all of the controversy.

    Thank you Monkseal and thank you fellow members of the commentariat you have made it all so much more fun. Let’s hope the time flies by until we all get to do it again.

    Reply
  2. Carl

    I was mostly fixated on the pros in the group dance – was that horribly unflattering photo of Ola Iwan their “good riddance” to her, was Gleb intentionally styled like Jay (confused faces, wavy hair and all), was Brendan supposed to look that miserable, did Aljaz always look so much like Ste from Hollyoaks (well if Ste were a bit more leading-man esque and spent less time screwing up his face and ODing…), was Pasha supposed to look that terrified with that uncomfortable cloud contraption.

    I’m going to delude myself into thinking someone at the show read my Jameile = American Idol 2 Trenyce post and that’s why they gave her the Proud Mary homage. You gotta love it though – she went on talk shows and heavily implied rigging to get her out, and they still give her such a showcase moment.

    Why do I have a feeling Peter calls that wank shimmy his “signature” move? He truly is stuck in 1992-1996. Forget Jeremy – that’s a more unfortunate category of “dad dancing,” one I will likely never be able to get out of my head…

    After hearing the criticism post-finale about Georgia’s pretty good last charleston being out of time or out of sync, I’m even more glad (gladder?) Jay didn’t reprise his jive, as I genuinely preferred seeing a very good paso over something he likely couldn’t duplicate. Yes it may be weak or cowardly or what have you, but I still think it was the right choice. I don’t believe Craig would have given it a 10 and then people would just say he did a bad jive and still won. It really was a no-win situation…

    I’m so glad they don’t make the current dancers perform in the Christmas special anymore – I still cringe at the memory of the judges (or maybe just Len) raging at Chris Hollins because they knew the public wasn’t voting anyway. I thought of your Christmas writeup when Snowden focused way too much in the backstage clip on not being partnered with Brendan.

    Anyway, thanks again for your recaps. It truly wouldn’t have been the same without them.

    Reply
  3. Sparklemotion

    Meh. I’m a Jay fan and for the series as a whole, glad he won cos when he was good, he was fabulous. But on finals night? Apart from the paso, a disappointment. No one wanted to see that quickstep again (#endjudgeschoice2015) and not to do the jive was just silly.
    I do think the all the celebs are probably awed by their pros at this stage and get persuaded to do odd things (IΒ  think that’s the only way Anita would have agreed to a move where it appeared Gleb was punching her in the bits…) and I just wish Aliona hadn’t decided to troll the show in the final with the showdance. Though to be fair, she was forced to be in a room with Gregg Wallace’s exposed arse so some lasting trauma is to be expected.
    The jive, the tango/paso/charleston/salsa and a showdance based on any of those would have been so much better for Jay fans and those that didn’t really want him to win but had kinda made peace with it beforehand. I didn’t want Harry to win but I couldn’t really complain too much on the night, Clancey on the other hand…
    Would have liked to see GG win too – again deserved on the series as a whole rather than the judges choice/showdance combo. At least the Charleston made an appearance.
    And K&K? I suggest anyone who seriously says she was robbed is forced to watch the Harry Potter paso, the samba and the salsa over and over again….Kev had a rocky patch this year. Though the AS was wonderful.
    And I wish the tabs would get things right. It wasn’t a record-breaking performance nor is Jay the only winner to be bottom of the leaderboard. Grr.
    Thanks for your recaps Monkseal – you’re always one of the highlights of Strictly for me! See you next year. Ringers for Natalie and Oti please and no more pies or polonecks for Pasha.

    Reply
    1. ChaChaChavvy

      I put Anita’s latter series compliance down to the cumulative effect of being waterboarded by Gleb’s bollocks ten times a day.

      Numbers Bitch is clearly a feeder. My favourite part of pro weight-gain this series was when Ola and Pasha looked like a novelty cruet set in that chess doo-dah.

      Reply
  4. Marcela

    Well, I’ve been reading your SCD blog for quite a few years now and I have to say you’ve never failed to entertain me. And for that I can only thank you πŸ™‚
    I could write quite a lot of things but most would be repetition of and agreement with your clever writing. And I don’t know how you can be so impartial when writing, I would never be able to. I’d have used much more colourful language and told him to stick the glitterball where the Sun don’t shine. Ooops, sorry! πŸ˜›
    I’m not going into a bitter tirade out of respect for you the house owner BUT, it does leave a sour taste in my mouth, it really does. Pretty much up there with Abbey Clancy. Teaches me to not be so invested in a silly TV programme :s
    I just want to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, all the best to you!
    Same time again next year? πŸ˜‰

    Reply
    1. BeyonceCastle

      Same procedure as every year πŸ˜‰
      Frohe Weihnachten from Germany one and all.
      Very mild weather-wise, gluehwein keeping me aglow, looking forward to Xmas Strictly.
      Thank you Chris for making me laugh, that screenshot of chupacabra DanODon is a festive delight. Have a well-earned rest and hope you and Steve have a fantastic Christmas.
      All the best to you
      Ange X

      Reply
  5. Gusty Gusset

    Monkseal, please don’t call 40ish people ‘grizzled’ 😦

    Oh who am I trying to kid, I’m 45 and I can barely do my own bra up in the morning.

    Reply
  6. mermaid

    Once again dear Monkseal you have made the series for me with your wonderful witty comments! Thank you so much for all your hard work – My enjoyment of Strictly wouldn’t be the same without you!

    Wishing you and yours a very Happy Christmas and New Year and looking forward to the 2016 Season recaps. πŸ™‚

    xxx

    Reply
  7. Gusty Gusset

    Yes, who was the mystety elf?

    Also, Harry Mcflea is a much better dancer (ballroom at any rate) than Jay Mcwanted. Hope Joanne gets a partner next year, and I didn’t think I would say that at the start of the season as I regarded her as one of the Annoying Ones from Grimsby.

    Reply
    1. DJ Mikey

      I still regard her as one of the annoying ones from Grimsby, but imagine the bitter pill of her taking the Glitter Ball home before Kevin… It’s so glorious!!!

      Reply
  8. Gusty Gusset

    I’m so on board with #endjudgeschoice. Their selections made for a curiously low-key first half to the final and I’m surprised the producers didn’t override them and put a party latin in for Georgia and maybe Jay too. Plus surely they could have told Aliona to pull herself together and reprise the holy jive. Also since when were semi-final dances inadmissable for the final? Kellie should have done her AS again. There was the potential for a really high-octane show and they fluffed it.

    In the end I think Georgia and Kellie were resigned to the fact that Jay’s dedicated(ly mental) fanbase were going to win it for him. I feel more sorry for Joe and KFG as I think they may have genuinely thought they were in with a chance.

    Reply
  9. Huriye

    I’ve just watched the Christmas Special, and wow, it puts a lie to the notion that the class of 2015 were the best evah. All the couples were high quality, entertaining and great performers, and even the Judges didn’t get on me neeerrrrrvvves. Abbey’s dress was divine. ❀

    Really, any journo or fan who uses that redundant best evah line about the series we've just watched should watch the Special – not live, no – but so many more talented contestants on view, who can perform. I hope they keep this format of inviting past contestants, and what a find Cassidy was for me, as I hadn't watched People's Strictly.

    Along with Sound of Music Live, Gypsy and Behind the Candelabra, the Christmas Spesh made my TV viewing worthwhile. πŸ™‚

    BTW I think Tristan is the new Robin and will never get a ringah/contender, but always be the go to Pro for the older lady/average celeb.
    And although Monkseal slags him off, YAY for Tom Chambers saying he "wanted to Dance with Aljaz". πŸ˜€

    Reply
    1. DJ Mikey

      Harry and Joanne’s American Smooth was amazing, (whether you like him or not) Tom and Oti’s Charleston was so fun and delightful – possibly better than Georgia’s. Cassidy’s Jive had the potential to be spectacular, but wardrobe screwed him over and he couldn’t point his foot in the boot. Abbey still bores me, but Brenda was a good partner for her. Allison Hammond was great fun, Robin gets camp and so does she on some level. Snowdance was Snowdance – Pasha gave her good choreography and she performed it well, but I’ll never be able to like her.

      Reply
      1. Huriye

        For a tall lady, Lisa Snowden showed just how to maintain hold and be stable and glide around the floor in the Quickstep, something Katie never did this series, who was permanently stiff and awkward looking in hold with Anton.

        I personally would’ve given the trophy to Tom & Oti, that Charleston was professional standard, but he is one, so I didn’t mind Harry winning, and what a delightfully middle class young man, showing exuberance at winning! We never saw that happiness once with you know who!
        I heard a TV critic say that the “audience vote” consists of 12 people sitting in the front row, I thought it was the whole audience! :O

        I note all the Pros were in the Clauditorium, and I’m glad they were watching those wonderful performances, as some of those female Pros need to learn how to Dance Propah Ballroom.

        Bad Wardrobe! Pasha’s awful wig and make-up obscuring sweet Pasha. 😦
        Lisa’s voluptuousness almost tumbling out of a lightweight dress, why spare the material?!
        Alison’s matronly brown apron over her dress, ruining any hope of looking good.
        Best make-up award: For CRH as Grumpy! He really did look like a gnome [/one of Snow White’s Little Friends].

        Having been depressed after that godawful fecking Final, I’m now back in love with Strictly! Cheers Christmas Spesh!! πŸ˜€

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