Last week : Kellie owned the night, as the only dancer to produce two strong semi-final performances as Jay’s ballroom technique fell to bits, Georgia caught a norovirus, the Gleb Specials finally reached critical mass and blew up in Anita’s face, and Katie…well the less said about what Katie did the better, but she’s still here so let’s plough on. Let’s hope that they don’t marr Kellie’s genuine moment of triumph by over-egging it and making out she’s the new Natalie Gum…oh too late, the script has been written.
Honestly I can’t tell who looks like they hate him the most. In actuality it was a tricky week all round for Team GG as
Giovanni probably should have picked a better place to rendezvous with her boyfriend after hours for a repeat session than their training room. That’s quite the bite she’s giving him – Northern girls fight dirty. (What? Don’t tease me with shirtlessness and then not deliver show, because I will just make things up). And then after all that…
GRIMSHAW! Sure, a good showing in her dances and a strong finish in this final might open up avenues for her to take up new work (by which I mean “work”) but given that she’s having to sit through all this AND presumably still have the tail end of last week’s sniffles (look at her trying to give the camera drama face here
like one of The Walking Dead), was it truly worth it?
Oh yeah and Kellie, Katie and Jay are training a lot and really want this and stuff as well.
May they haunt him forever. (Also, they’ve changed the order of the credits so that all the finalists go in a row at the very end, which means for one night only, Katie Derham gets to be the ho. What a wrap party!)
In the studio we open with this shot
of Katie, Georgia and Kellie applying their make-up in the mirrors back stage whilst Jay walks around in a pensive and manly fashion behind them. Because Lord knows the men on this show are definitely not pancaked in make-up at all times as well no sir. Then from out of the wings
GREG APPEARS EEEEEEEEEEEEE! I love that this picture makes it looks like the contestants are in fact his dolls, and he is the Zeus of this Clash Of The Titans (and Katie Derham) of a finale. As Greg leads the contestants off upstairs, and a mournful slow version of “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” by Whitney starts
Gleb BURSTS through the curtains all “OH LOOK A CAMERA, ME WANTEE!”. There then follows an ambling, rather aimless “group dance” backstage which includes
a cameo from Evil Moira Ross In A Rainbow Wig’s Chief Imp Jason Gilkison,
Darcey sprint-dancing like she’s running away from Ghostface
Peter Andre in the Production Gallery I KNEW IT, RIGGED, JUSTICE FOR JAMELIA etc etc
Craig doing the ironing
………whatever’s going on here
Helen looking very much like she WAS Ghostface, this entire time, Scream V, get ready
and Aljaz shagging Jamelia, Carol and Kirsty in a lift. Oh also
some Latin dancing and giant banners and
KATIE NO! Jesus how did she get up there? Listen Katie, sit tight, we’ll call the fire brigade and they’ll be here to get you down. This always happens after a few pints, she wants to climb up everything…
Well that was a lot of pictures wasn’t it, let’s get to some more text. Welcome to this, the 13th annual Strictly Come Dancing Final. Our four finalists – Tipsy McStagger, Snuffly Wanted, Violet Elizabeth Bott and…no, it’s gone, she was in Corrie for 2 episodes or something once – will dance twice for our enjoyme…once for our enjoyment, with their showdances, and once for the pleasure of absolutely nobody. Then there will be Casualty and La Prenj will fall off a roof and then we will return, and the contestant with the fewest votes will be eliminated in 4th place. Then we will get the contestants’ favourite dance of the series, then a bunch of filler VTs, then the annual Final Group Dance, then a winner will be crowned. All presided over by
these two. Tess trying to do with her waist there what Boy George tries to do for his chin by smearing it with a handful of charcoal every morning. Meanwhile flailing about impotently, at this point “for guidance only”
these four. Based on the guidance being offered tonight I wouldn’t offer them employment as a guide anywhere other than possibly a pencil museum in Rhyl.
Jay McGuiness & Aliona Vilani dancing the Quickstep
Hang on, I’m getting a transmission.
DO NOT CALL IT THE COMEBACK I AM BACK, FOR THE STRICTLY 2015 SOCIAL MEDIA UPDATES WITH ME IVETA LUKOSIUTE, LIFE THIEF, 10 DANCE CHAMPION AND WINNER OF STRICTLY COME DANCING UK THREE OF THE TIMES, WITH MY HOTT PARTNERS TAHM EFANS, MARK BENSONS AND OLD MAN! I AM HERE TO TELL YOU ALL WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE INSTAGRAMS, TWITTERS, AND FACEBOOK AND MR TUMBLERS FOR ALL FOUR OF STRICTLY FINALS 2015! FIRST IS JAY MCGUINESS, HEIRESS TO GUINESS BEER FORTUNE AND HOT YOUNG BOYBAND MAN! HE IS PARTNER OF ALIONA VILANI, EVEN AFTER IVETA PUSH HER DOWN STAIRS! HEY IS ONLY FAIR IF IVETA HAS TO HELP WITH OLD MAN IVETA ALSO GET TO HELP WITH HOT YOUNG STUD! SADLY POLICE OF UK NOT SEE IT THIS WAY, AND NOW IVETA IS GIVING HER MAJESTY PLEASURE! STILL THIS LEAVE IVETA PLENTY OF TIME FOR DANCE PRACTICE, WEARING THE LEOPARDPRINT AND SHARING SOCIAL MEDIA INSIGHT WITH PEOPLE OF MONKSEAL BLOG! JAY IS VERY POPULAR BOY ON ALL SOCIAL MEDIAS AND IF YOU GOOGLE THERE ARE NUDE PICTURES WITH PENIS BUT THEY MAY NOT BE REAL! HAHT! THAT IS SOCIAL MEDIA UPDATE FOR JAYMES MCGUINESS SEE YOU NEXT DANCE STRICTLY FANS!
TO THE DANCEFLOOR!
So for Judges Choice, for Jay they’ve gone the obvious route of having him reprise his quickstep, which last time featured him tripping round the dance-floor like a badger on rollerskates. So if we are doing an entire round in the final based on contestants “redeeming themselves” for past mistakes this makes some sort of sense. As well as Iveta, I also have another set of guests tonight – the Blindfolded Dart Throwing Song Choice Monkeys. (OOK!) They are going to be selecting a routine also for all of our finalists, entirely at random. At the end of this round, you can have your say as to who chose better (OOK!) in terms of what you want to watch in a Strictly final. If you want an idea of how it’s likely to go, they just chose Jay’s Charleston. Anyway, Jay’s reprise of this shows that yes, he definitely can do Quickstep better than he did in Week 4. Unfortunately all of us who watched the Quickstepathon already know this. What it doesn’t show, I’m afraid, is that this routine was well themed or well choreographed
because, well, it isn’t. I don’t really think this is going to replace Ellen At The Oscars as the viral selfie of the 2010s and as a dance it’s a skittery, spinning, breathless panic attack. Jay does a lot better job of holding the whole thing down and keeping it all pinned together than he did before but it’s lacking charm and elegance and it’s still a bit messy. I can’t really think of a ballroom dance all series where it didn’t feel like Aliona was bombarding us with something else to hide his basic lack of serene grace as a ballroom dancer, and in this case it’s bombast and rock guitars.
END JUDGES CHOICE!
It gets a loud audience response, and I feel so sorry for this audience, clearly ready to pelt Jay with roses and lay out the red carpet between him and the trophy, that they’re not able to do it for a dance where they’d be responding to it a little bit more sincerely. Jay tells Tess that the atmosphere tonight is electric, and that his feet are shaking. To this Tess hoots “EVERYTHING’S SHAKING! I KNOW, I CAN FEEL IT!”
No you can’t Tess, you’ve been told now. Back off. One last awkward wave from Davarch?
There we are. Len starts for the judges, saying that he so wanted Jay to get through that routine without making mistakes…but he didn’t. The audience boo and then Len
takes umbridge again. He splutters “do you want me to lieeeeeeeeeeeeee and say he didn’t?!”. Yes Len, yes they do. It’s the final, they want you to give everything a 10, say “tickle me bum and call me Fanny Fantastic” and otherwise to shut up. Bruno’s next
Craig follows, saying that we all know that wasn’t perfect (speak to the St Jay fans Craig, I’m sure they’ll tell you otherwise), but he maintained his top line brilliantly, and his thumb was down throughout. No-one cares about thumbs Craig, not now, not ever. Tess next turns to Darcey and tells her that Jay is the only male dancer in the final and also the only contestant never to have been in the dance-off. Way to make the evening even more predictable Tess. Anyway, Darcey says that that dance scores top grades with her for complexity! If not for the actual dancing I guess. She says that she could really feel the nerves radiating throughout the room, but that was divine even with the small mistakes.
Up to Claud 9 they clatter, where Claudia asks him if it was nervewracking going first and Jay says that normally he likes going first because then you can just sit back and enjoy what everyone else is doing nerves-free, but that isn’t the case tonight, because he still has to perform two more times. ALso, given what’s coming up “enjoy” would be a strong word. Claudia then asks the if they were a bit worried performing their worst routine of the series again, and Aliona responds that that’s definitely not the case – in fact when they got it wrong the first time she immediately told Jay she wanted to be in the dance off and do it again. That
does not look like a happy memory for Jay. He hoots “BECAUSE SHE’S CRAZY!”. Can we just celebrate the real redemption arc here – Jay getting through an entire interview with Claudia expressing coherent relevant thoughts and not looking like he’d just soiled himself? Scores are in
36. Finals Night scoring eh? Next up
Georgia May Foote & Giovanni Pernice dancing the rumba
Hold on a second…
HELLO AGAIN, BACK ONCE AGAINS WITH RENEGADE MASTER! FUN FACT : THAT SONG WAS WRITTEN ABOUT IVETA BY LENNON AND THE MCCARTNEYS! THANK YOU LINDA! I WILL RETURN THE TOASTER SOON, THAT IS AN IVETA PROMISE! I AM HERE TO GIVE YOU A SOCIAL MEDIAS UPDATE ON GEORGIA MAY AND HER GBF (GORGEOUS BEST FREIND!) GIOVANNI PERNICE! MANY PEOPLE HAVE TROUBLE PRONOUNCING GIOVANNI’S NAME, JUST LIKE BRUCE DID WITH IVETA. BUT BRUCE IS GONE NOW. THINK ABOUT IT. CALL ME LOCKERSHITTER AND GET AWAY WITH IT I DON’T THINK SO. I CRUSH YOU LIKE I CRUSH HANNAH FROM D WING WHO USE IVETA’S PHONE CARD TO CALL OUT WITHOUT ASKING IVETA! I DO NOT REMEMBER GIOVANNI AS HE WAS NOT HERE WHEN IVETA WAS HERE OTHERWISE SHE WOULD HAVE HAD MANY SEXES WITH HIM THE HOT PANINI! GIOVANNI IS FROM THE NORTH AND IS THE BEST NEW PRO THIS SERIES, JUST LIKE IVETA WAS, AND GEORGIA IS FROM ITALY AND IS STAR OF A TV SHOW ONCE! I CHECK HER TWITTER AND CAN CONFIRM SHE BLOODY LOVE HER SISTER AND IS GRATEFUL TO EVERYBODY WHO VOTE FOR HER! ALSO SHE HAS A HOTMAIL ACCOUNT! SEE YOU NEXT TIME!
TO THE DANCEFLOOR!
Worst. Glory Hole. Ever. The judges have chosen Georgia & Giovanni’s rumba again so that Len’s series long vendetta against rumba can finally be sated by him forcing Giovanni into rechoreographing his, so that Len doesn’t have to have a strop at him over it this time. I do feel sorry for Giovanni, because having to completely rechoreograph a dance in the final is more than any of the other pros are having to do this evening. Meanwhile the Monkeys continue to put in stirling work, and have suggested that Georgia reprise her samba (no, I swear, these are totally random). Which would be a fun choice but wouldn’t involve Georgia performing as
The Dark Lady, which I think is her most iconic visual role this series. That or when they gave her crusty white-gurl dreadlocks to do the Ghostbuster Tango. Anyway, whilst this dance may have been comprehensively done over since its first performance (honestly, I’m not going back and watching the whole palaver two more times let’s just say it is) I think it’s the one dance of the first round for me that’s worse than the first time we saw it, just because all it had going for it then was the atmosphere and that’s now gone. I don’t know if Georgia is a bit nervy over the fact the first impression she’s making in the final is
sensuously knuckling her own booby and then
whatever this is, but it’s all a bit awkward and like she doesn’t want to be there. It’s a lot of bum-writhing and stalking around twisting her wrists and whilst it’s all very tidy and sexy…I think finals night rumbas should probably only be done if people really want to do them and can really blaze up the floor with it and for all the
Mills & Boon covershot action, these two can’t.
END JUDGES CHOICE 2015!
They toddle over to the judges where Bruno kicks us off
Thanks Bruno. Craig’s next and says that she had great hip action and he really loved the sense of drama she created, although there was a little wobble at the end. Georgia’s boyfriend though
is still sat down, and the dance is barely over, so we all know the real story here. If it had been any good he would have been stood there, applauding on his own and whooping his head off.
Darcey’s next and she’s very effusive about what a beautiful sensual lady Georgia’s grown into over the course of the series and says that she doesn’t care about the wobble at the end, because Giovanni was right there to restabilise her. I mean yes, that is his job Darcey. I know Anton would have let her go splat with a “HA HA MARVELOUS WHAT LARKS!” but he’s a very special case. We close with Len telling Giovanni he’s a good boy now and he can definitely come back next year, unlike that TRENT WHIDDON who dared to defy Len and was never seen ever again. Indeed that was 00HEAVEN because Giovanni choreographed in a Spiral Into Aida. Or something like that.
Up to Claud 9 they ooze, where Claudia tells Georgia that she has a new favourite person in the world, and it’s Georgia’s mum, because she has not stopped crying all evening.
Tears, as ever, sustaining reality tv hosts. Saves talking about the dancing I guess. (Daddy Clifton’s complete lack of reaction to the camera being on him here is kind of eerie to be honest. At least look kindly at the woman snorfling into her hankie, Papa) Claudia tells Giovanni that he must be relieved that Len doesn’t hate him no more and Giovanni’s all “sure, why not?”. Scores are in
Kellie Bright & Kevin Clifton dancing the tango
Oh here we go again…
HELLO AGAIN MY FANS ANOTHER SOCIAL MEDIA UPDATE HERE WITH IVETA AND SPECIAL GUEST STAR TAHHMM. HE HAFF VISITING RIGHTS TODAY AND IS SNEAKING IVETA A TOOTHBRUSH MADE INTO A SHIV IN ORDER TO HELP HER ESCAPE SHHH. ENJOY AND FLICK YOUR KNOBS TO THIS PICTURE OF TAHM AS MODEL. IVETA WOULD SHARE PICTURES FROM TAHM’S HOLLYWOOD ACTING PORTFOLIOS BUT THIS FAMILY BLOG NO ANAL PENETRATION ALLOWED NOT SINCE LAST TIME. IVETA NOW TELL YOU ABOUT KEVIN CLIFTON AND KELLIE CLIFTON WHO ARE MEMBER OF CLIFTON FAMILY CULT ALONG WITH JOJO CLIFTON, KAREN MAMBO-CLIFTON, DADDY CLIFTON, MUMMY CLIFTON, SUSANNA CLIFTON AND FRANKIE CLIFTON! THEY CAN BE FOLLOWED ON CLIFTONGRAM, CLIFTONBOOK, CLIFTONSPACE AND BBC ONE! ON KELLIE’S CliftIn PROFILE, KELLIE CLIFTON STATE THAT SHE IS A PROFESSIONAL LADY ACTRESS WHO ENJOY COCK IN KNEE KNEES-UP, BURNING THINGS DOWN FOR INSURANCE (LADY AFTER IVETA’S OWN HEART) AND TELLING ALL THE PEOPLES TO GET OUT OF HER PUBLIC HOUSE NOW! SAY HELLO TAHM! (HELLO TAHM!)
TO THE DANCEFLOOR!
I guess it’s a tribute to Kellie’s general professionalism and steady performance over the series that of all the dancers they had the most trouble picking a Redemption Dance with her, and just told her to do her Week 1 dance all over again. Although remember the VT for this? When Kellie was worried about having to be herself in front of the public, so Kevin created the character of “Mimi The Mod Bitch” for her for this dance, to ease her in gently, so she could slowly get eventually to being herself for dances in the future? Yeah that never happened did it? Anyway this is exactly the same as it was week 1, from the 25 seconds of random 60s dance move arms and vagina twitching to start off, through the
singing along, to the ending where she just randomly floops and then vamps up to the moped.
Her technique’s definitely come along since Week 1, and it’s a fun, albeit slightly throwaway number but I’m sorry I can’t even begin to recap this properly given the nonsense that’s about to follow.
Once they’ve finished, the reaction from the audience dies down fairly quickly, but it’s alright, because someone’s on hand up on Claud 9 to start up a “10! 10! 10!” chant from the assembled celebrity throng (a chant that is profoundly not taken up by the audience). The voice that starts this “10! 10! 10! 10!” chant sounds awfully squeaky. You might suggest it was Joanne, I couldn’t possibly comment. (I guess it might have been Karen?)
Craig starts for the judges, saying that all of Kellie’s hard work finally paid off in that tango, with amazing characterisation and great precision and dynamism in her performance. Darcey’s next and says that she loved it the first time around, but this time it really became clear how well the 60s theming and the tango worked togther. Is it “not at all” Darcey? Anyway, apparently the difference in Kellie’s topline in particular was
“YUMMEH!”. I could have done with going a whole series without “YUMMEH!” coming out to be honest, but the evening has to reach a nadir somewhere, so why not here?
Len’s next, and he says that Kellie certainly ironed all the KINKS out of that routine tonight
before Bruno finishes us off.
Up to Claud 9 they screech, where Claudia discusses with Kellie about how nice it is to have “the whole gang” back for the final, which according to Kellie is “how it should be”. LOL remember when Carol Vorderman drunk-dialled It Takes Two, slagged off Arlene, and then didn’t bother turning up for the final? Happy days. Claudia asks Kellie how easy it was remembering a dance she last performed three months ago, and Kellie says…not very, because she’s learned so many dances in between then and now, and danced on so many tables. Claudia jokes that she’s had 6 children since she last saw that tango and Kellie’s reaction is
understated as ever. Scores are in
oh piss off was it. 40. (The Dart Throwing Song Choice Monkey’s Pick? Her American Smooth. Now that getting 40 I wouldn’t have objected to).
Katie Derham & Anton du Beke dancing the quickstep
If you stare into the abyss long enough, it turns out Anton stares back at you. One last go round?
OH WHAT A BUSY EVENING FOR IVETA! SOCIAL MEDIA UPDATE ON JAY, SOCIAL MEDIA UPDATE ON GEORGIA, SOCIAL MEDIA UPDATE ON KELLIE, HAVE LESBIAN WITH PRISON WARDEN AND BLACKMAIL HER INTO SLIPPING IVETA SECRET SKELETON’S KEY, NOW SOCIAL MEDIA UPDATE FOR KATIE DERHAMS! KATIE DERHAMS IS LOVELY OLD LADY WHO LIKES DRINKING TEA AND PROMMING! SHE VERY RICH LADY WHO LIKES A DRINK AND HER HUSBAND BE BRITISH EMPIRE MEMBER NOW SO SHE NOT EVEN MIND WHEN IVETA SKIM ALL HER CREDIT CARDS PROBABLY! FOR THIS, IVETA WOULD LIKE HER TO WIN! ALSO HER PARTNER IS OLD MAN, OLDEST MAN EVER IN STRICTLY FINAL. HE REMIND IVETA OF HER OWN OLD MAN WHO WAS FRIENDS WITH ZOES BALLS WHEN IVETA WIN SERIES 10. HE WAS LIKE BUTTER TO IVETA’S HEART. BOTH KATIE AND OTHER OLD MAN ARE SO OLD THEY PROBABLY DON’T EVEN HAVE SOCIAL MEDIA, NOT LIKE FUNKY FRESH IVETA AND HOTT TAHM, SO IVETA CAN’T REALLY DO SOCIAL MEDIA UPDATES FOR HER BUT HAPPY 2016 KATIE DERHAMS! NOW IVETA HAVE TO GO TO GEORGIA TO START NEW LIFE! HOW IRONIC! GEORGIA IS ALSO STRICTLY FINALS PERSON! SMALL WORLD! TOODLE’S PIPS AND UNTIL NEXT TIME, KEEP TWEETING YOUR TWATS!
TO THE DANCEFLOOR!
So the idea here is that, in getting the quickstep, having got so much more ballroom experience under her belt since the week she danced it, Katie should now be able to ace the choreography that was too hard for her the first time. This is Katie who took two goes to get a waltz right last week. Good luck. She also, in the interim, appears to have picked up
a real problem with hats. Oh Katie.
The Guest Monkeys (OOK!) incidentally? Chose the jive.
It’s interesting to see Anton in a new habitat here, competing in a final and (theoretically at least) for the win. I’m not sure it entirely suits him. He’s pushing Katie very hard and she’s still not quite able to keep up with the pace of dancing, and he’s added
extra weird little bits and bobs to the choreography that come across as though he’s trying far too hard. It’s not really allowing Katie herself any time to display personality beyond inanely grinning around wondering which direction she’s supposed to be looking at any given time. It’s a little antic and overblown, just like Jay’s quickstep was, and I know it’s a final and everyone’s trying hard with a dance they don’t want to be doing but it’d be nice to see someone performing with a bit of relaxed assurance. I also can’t help feeling here that, as usual, despite his reputation, Anton has lost this series on ballroom rather than latin.
END JUDGES CHOICE 2015!
They go over to the judges table, where Tess trills “HATS, CANES AND ANTON DU BUKE! IT DOESN’T GET MORE BALLROOM THAN THAT DOES IT?”. To which Anton mutters “yeah, hats and canes…” under his breath. Tee hee. On this show Anton, yes it is. Darcey starts for the judges by telling Katie that she’s always a beautiful classy lady. Wait til the wrap party Darce, we’ll see. Anyway, she thinks Katie held that together really well right until the very end when she had to ask Anton for assistance. Anton at this point has pushed himself so hard that he’s developed
a little twitch bless him. Len follows, saying that Katie made some mistakes (Audience : Boo, Len : Wah Wah Wah, Monkseal : IGNORE THEM!) but she was moving so fast there she could have ended up on 43rd Street. Ah yes, home of the majestic and historic Hard Rock Cafe and the Apple Store.
Thanks Bruno. Meanwhile in the audience
remember guys, having bets with your wife wherein if they make the Strictly Final they get to down two bottles of Prosecco and then choose what you have to wear are a BAD IDEA. Craig closes by calling Katie out on her hat problems
and the gapping that was going on throughout the routine, AND the fact that she jumped into whole segments of the routine quite clumpingly, but says it was a MAJOR improvement on last time. Apparently MAJOR, when it comes to scores, means “one whole point”. Anton hoots that we should wait until next week when there’ll be an even BIGGER improvement, just you wait. No Strictly at all would indeed be an improvement over Judges Bloody Choice.
Up to Claud 9 they tipper tapper where Claudia asks Katie if she was horrified when the judges chose quickstep for her, and of course Katie says no she loved it, she loves everything, it’s all marvellous (HA HA) although she’s developing a real hatred for hats. Anton chortles that she preferred it this time, especially the bits she decided to choreograph herself. Whilst they were dancing. Oh Anton. Scores are in
THIRD OF THE WAY THROUGH LEADERBOARD?
Jay McGuiness & Aliona Vilani dancing the Showdance
Oh Lawd, here we go. It’s time for the Showdances. The round where the contestants are given free rein to do whatever they like, in whatever style of dance, with as many different tricks and lifts and props and fireworks as they like. As a round, and I say this almost without exception, it never ends well. Tess tells us all that over the course of the series there have been moments where Jay made the nation catch its breath, like That Jive, That Charleston, and That Time On It Takes Two When He Joked About Mutilating A Toddler. So we’ve all got high hopes for tonight! Personally I’ve sat through two Aliona Special Showdances before so…not so much me.
In his VT, Jay tells us all his “master plan” for the showdance – it’s going to involve little pieces of every routine they’ve done so far this series. What, all of them? That seems…unwise, unless we’re about to see you find 13 different ways to stick your face in Aliona’s cleavage. Fortunately Aliona breaks in to explain that really she’s limited her flights of fancy to bits of the rumba, foxtrot, Argentine Tango, Charleston, tango and jive. I think my favourite bit is when she says “foxtrot” and it’s showing
this. Not really foxtrot is it love? The merits or otherwise of doing a Frankenroutine of previous bits of choreography have been well argued out at this point and whilst I’m neither for or agin it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen it pulled off coherently. Trying to stick bits of 6 entirely different disciplines into one 90 second routine when even Fusion Week was beyond most of the pros that attempted seems…unlikely and indeed Jay says that it’s
making his poor little woobie head hurt. It all ends, as it usually does at this stage, with Aliona and Jay on the floor
talking about how much they mean to one another. Indeed this last week has seen Aliona on a rampage saying repeatedly that Jay is her BEST PARTNER EVER and she enjoyed him FAR MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE SHE’S EVER DANCED WITH, a bit like a girlfriend reassuring a guy who’s just had premature spillage issues. On which classy note
TO THE DANCEFLOOR!
Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatevno Aliona it’s giving me a head rush get me down get me down get me down sorry sorry sorry I can’t get me down I’m going to get a nosebleed again. I mean
this is just nonsense for the sake of it isn’t it?
“Hi Evil Moira Ross In A Rainbow Wig, my showdance is just going to be bits of old dances”
“Well is there at least going to be a theme?”
“Giant Polystyrene Globe?”
“…well we’re at least sticking your boy upside down from a couple of bungee cords, it says in his Ringah File he can do gymnastics and THIS IS THE FINAL DAMNIT”
So yeah, this is a compilation of individual moves from Jay’s earlier routines to “I Can’t Feel My Face” by The Weeknd, which fulfils Aliona’s main two briefs on this show per her fans – being cool and modern and down with the kids and also telling the judges where they can stick it. It’s just a shame that this didn’t result in, well, SHOWDANCE music. The “now do rumba, now do Argentine tango, now do “foxtrot” ” nature of it, combined with the Backstreet Boys outfits and the bizarre new choreography (“Imma throw up a heart sign for my peeps in the St Jay Army” and “do incy wincy spider up my arse” being particular highlights) makes the whole thing feel like a rather misguided mixture between a boyband video and a driving test. Also shame on Aliona for being such a tease, promising jive moves and then delivering…one? Two? “We won’t do the jive again because it was a special moment but we will do it on the tour and also insert bits of it into our showdance” is an increasingly odd argument anyway. Because nothing says “special” like dismemberment. Really the whole thing could do with an idea or an identity beyond “aren’t I cool?”. Might I suggest
increasing the spanking elements? Could have been interesting.
And then it just ends, making to my mind Aliona 3 for 3 for poor showdances.
They wander over to the judges, where Tess joins in with the whole “heart sign” thing that has passed me by until this week.
I’m sure for the St Jay Army this is a bit like your mum going to a One Direction concert with you and being all “I’M A RIGHT ZAYNIAC AREN’T I CHLOE? I’M MAD FOR THE MALIK!”. She’s not even doing it right, bless her. She turns to Len first and asks him what he thinks
Given that this is a man who probably still thinks that T Rex are a bit too “out there” for him, I’m not sure in da club bum spanking to The Weeknd was ever going to be his bag. He appreciated that it was supposed to be “Jay & Aliona’s Greatest Hits” but it wasn’t exciting or showy enough for him. He wanted more pizzazz because as that stood, he wouldn’t really call it a showdance. Bruno’s next
Craig’s next, and he says that he’s very disappointed, because he knows what Jay’s capable of and he thinks it was copping out just doing a compilation of previous routines. Remember how that used to be the whole point of the showdances? To show what people had learnt? Although also notice how you can’t remember any of those early showdances now… Craig closes by saying that it was all build up and no climax. We’ve all been there. Darcey closes by calling him the “Cool Cat Of Technique”. Was that Rum-Tum-Tugger or Rumpleteazer? Spectacular moves, seemless delivery, but lacking in surprise or novelty. Aliona peeps that she’ll take all the blame for everything. That would probably be wise.
Up to Claud 9 they spiral, where Claudia reassures Jay that everyone up there went completely nuts for him and hopes that he knows that. Which is sweet but there was no “TEN! TEN! TEN! TEN!” was there? I think it’s fairly obvious all evening how Claud 9 want this to go… Anyway Claudia grins that it was all like a jigsaw puzzle of previous dances and yes I think that’s the problem. It’s the final – nobody’s here for something your gran made you do on a rainy Saturday. Aliona at this point clarifies that she made all the moves from previous routines more intricate and more difficult and Jay reassures her that he wouldn’t have wanted anything different for his showdance.
Oh God, Andre’s gearing up for a “CAN I JUST SAY?” can we get the scores in please
Georgia May Foote and Giovanni Pernice dancing the SHOWDANCE
Tess tells us that Georgia’s showdance is innovative and incredibly challenging. She leaves out the part where it’s bloody stupid. Tess goes on to say that it’s very traditional, in that Giovanni is leading, but the WAY that he’s leading is truly inspired. Georgia
looks less than convinced by this.
Training now, and Georgia tells us that the great thing about the showdance is that there are no
shirts. RULES. Sorry, no rules. There are no rules. Apart from whatever rule it was that disqualified Jay’s from being counted as one, per Len. Anyway, Giovanni promises us that his showdance for Georgia will be full of peril and danger, as we are treated to a shot of him
dragging her around the floor as she squeals “NO, I’M GONNA GET SPLINTERS IN ME ARRRRRRRRSE”. He also says that at the beginning there will be a small thing that is a little bit different. Yup, heard that one before as well. Georgia joins in, saying that their little secret is exciting, but it could go very wrong. She does say though, that over the course of the competition, she’s learnt to trust her Joe Varney, so she’s happy to go ahead with it. She and Joe Varney then sit on the floor and chat. There is crying. Mostly from Georgia.
TO THE DANCEFLOOR!
So the “little secret” is that Georgia is going to be doing the first half of this routine blindfolded. I wonder if her boyfriend attended a lot of these training sessions. You know, just for moral support and to give Giovanni a hand whilst Georgia stumbled about the room blindfolded. They’re dancing to “Fix You” by Coldplay and I’m sorry
even if this is a metaphor and she isn’t supposed to literally be portraying a blind person this is incredibly misguided. Generally up until now I think of all the finalists Georgia has been the best at capturing the spirit and performance elements of each dance but I think this whole routine is asking a bit much of her range. Or the range of good taste, given that the implication is that blindness can be cured VIA THE PURITY OF DAHNCE! I know some of our finalists are officially living saints, but that seems a bit too much. She dances the blindfolded part well enough (especially considering the fact that, y’know, she’s BLINDFOLDED) and there’s some interesting tricks
particularly this lift dismount, but the whole thing’s too corny for words. Then when the blindfold comes off, and after a big lift, it just turns into a tango to a very odd music choice (psst, I still prefer it as a tango to Kellie’s, even if her shoulders are up around her ears) before closing with one of the more misguided choreographicaly choices of the series – Giovanni doing 6 pirouettes impeccably, very fast, right down the camera lens, followed by Georgia doing 3, poorly, at Bruno speed right after him. I guarantee you if Gleb had pulled that he would have been strung up. In summary I know that thanks to the judges Georgia wasn’t able to show off her love of ballroom over latin in the final by conventional means but…this was far too gloopy I’m sorry.
They go over to the judges where Tess marvels that Georgia is now so good she can dance BLINDFOLDED. I’d like to see the same with her hosting, it might give the contestants a fighting chance of avoiing her tentacles. Bruno starts
thanks Bruno. Craig’s next and he says that whilst it didn’t bring a tear to his eye as a dance, he did particularly like the blindfolded section, because it must have taken a lot of trust to slide down Giovanni’s back like that without knowing where the bottom was. I mean…he’s not got a Pasha Kovalev badonkadonk but that seems a little mean Craig.
Tess next turns to Darcey and says “we were moved in the audience, were you?”. Tess Of The People there. She’s just like us. She feels what we feel. Or what we’d like to if it wouldn’t get us thrown out the studio. Darcey says that the start of the dance was really wonderful, like a “beautiful revolving installation”. She does think though, that in the midst of the dizziness and the demanding choreography, that Georgia forgot a lot of what she’d learnt about keeping her shoulders down. Len closes by saying that he loved the fusion of styles, and that he thought the opening section was “poignant” and that she’s a lovely ballroom dancer.
Up to Claud 9 they whirl, where Claudia says that that was a very emotional dance, and asks Georgia what it meant to her. Georgia explains that
“it was like when I took the blindfold off it was like opening my eyes to everything I’ve learnt and what Joe’s taught me and he’s opened my eyes to a lot”. But was it amazing? Giovanni says that Georgia made him very proud, and Georgia then apologises about her shoulders. Giovanni stage-mutters that they’ll talk about that later. Hee. Scores are in
Kellie Bright & Kevin Clifton dancing the SHOWDANCE
Nice that she’s taken her career full circle by coming tonight dressed as T Bag. Tess tells us that Kellie will be performing a genre we don’t often see on Strictly – the Lindy Hop. Yes, not since they added it to the Series 7 final so that Chris Hollins could have another dance he would be alright at to make the result look a bit less absurd. It’s also the only dance genre on the show to be named after a fascist, unless you count Baron von Foxtrot. Anyway, Kellie’s lindy hop will be set on a 1920s train. If only it had been, I would have quite liked them doing the jitterbug around the desserts trolley as Hercule Poirot wondered if we couldn’t arrange another midnight stabbing.
Training now, and Kevin explains to Kellie that in showdance you can do whatever you like. The whole world of dance is open to you. Vast vistas of contemporary, folk, hip hop, cossack, bollywood, meringue, dutty wine, pavane, polka, pony, pachanga and paso. Anything at all. So he’s decided that he and Kellie are going to
jump up and down pulling faces, squealing, doing jazz hands and generally acting like an outtake from The Biz. How exciting. Kevin tells Kellie that if she can pull this off, it’s going to be EPIC and Kellie squeals that she’s in. There then follows a good 30 seconds of them both talking about how FULL ON and INTENSE and EXCITING it is as Kellie recounts all the times she nearly fell on her bum or her head or a passing clergyman. Their own personal goodbye takes place on a sofa, not the floor, because they are adults.
Not that you’d know it half the time.
TO THE DANCEFLOOR!
AND THE RETURN OF THE PORN TRAIN! YAY! Anyway, this
is happening 5 seconds into the dance, so if you’re into that sort of thing then get ready! If you’re not…probably best if you go and get a cup of tea about now, there’s nothing for you here. Please take pity on those of us who, despite howling NEVER AGAIN PLEASE during the Series 7 Finale Lindy Hop, have to recap it. Rather than dancing on the train itself (obviously) Kellie and Kevin will be performing their Lindy
right in the middle of the track. Which is a terrible example to be setting to this show’s young audience CALL OFCOM! They’re dancing to “Ding Dong Daddy Of The D Car Line”, which is somewhat appropriate because Kevin’s own Ding Dong Daddy is flying around quite liberally in his trousers the entire time (lucky Karen…except for the part where this song is about a polygamistic fraudster obviously). It is, as they promised, fast, frantic and gurny as anything, and Kellie is, as usual, entirely on point when she’s on her own, and in sync with her side-by-sides, and a little bit glompy and awkward when she and Kevin are dancing together and with the lifts. Still, it’s a burst of energy of a dance after the rather maudlin self-indulgent routines we just had to open the round (apart from a choreographed break where
Kellie just sits on the floor clinging on to Kevin’s leg refusing to let him leave, much like Lisa Snowdon with Brenda at the Series 6 wrap party. At least Kellie’s not screaming “NO, WITHOUT STRICTLY I’LL WITHER AND DIE!!!” I guess) so I can see why it went down so well. It all ends with them crashing around like out of control toddlers before
crashing down on the tracks, to get run over by the Jaypet Express presumably. Three years in a row Kevin has produced what was (imo) the “best” showdance. Three years in a row it’s meant nothing.
It gets the best audience response of the evening so far, as Kellie huffs to Tess that Kevin’s been trying to kill her off all week. Kevin doesn’t deny it. Craig starts for the judges with an “OH-EM-GEE” and an “AH-MAY-ZING”, and Darcey follows by telling Kellie that that was all extraordinary. At this Kellie’s face
crumples like she never stopped being a Child Star. It’s like grand-dad just told her she was very special and offered her his last Werthers Original. Darcey goes on to congratulate Kellie for having put her all into that, and calls her a “cheeky star”.
Len’s next, and says that if Kevin is Ding Dong Daddy, then Kellie is the Belle Of The Ball. No Len, that was Georgia. Keep up. He then yells that “THAT’S A SHOWDANCE!”, Showdances now apparently being wk 9 Charlestons. I guess the problem with the fact that this show is now *so* laden with big production numbers, especially in the last month or so, is that nothing really feels like a showdance any more. Where do you go after the entirity of Les Mis has been recreated in the middle of the dance-floor with 50 backing dancers and people flying in via trapeze? I remember back in the day when the Showdance was Julian Clary doing the rumba in a funny hat. Now, unless you set something on fire it might as well be wk 2. Bruno to finish.
Up to Claud 9 they rampage, where everyone’s chanting “KELLIE! KELLIE! KELLIE! KELLIE!” for her, and Claudia tells her how brave she was for learning something completely new at this stage in the competition. LOL the digs at Jay’s mess keep on coming don’t they? Kellie says that it’s been so much fun and she loves Kevin and she just keeps on wanting to learn new things and all her fans on Claud 9 gaze at her intently
except Tristan who’s wondering how much longer this goes on for cause he’s dying for a pint. Oh and then there’s a “TEN! TEN! TEN! TEN!” chant again and this time it’s on camera that Joanne’s the one starting it so…yeah. I’m saying actual employees of the show probably shouldn’t be yelling their support for one finalist this much more than the rest, to be honest. Scores are in
40. I think my favourite shot of the final so far is probably
this one of Helen. That could have been her, damnit. That could have been her. Bloody reindeer.
Katie Derham & Anton du Beke dancing the SHOWDANCE
Have you ever heard of a programme called Drunk History? Anyway, Tess tells us that for this Showdance, set in Ancient Rome, Katie will be weaving a tale of passion, drama and intrigue. Although not enough to stop
this woman checking her watch. WHEN’S ELLIE GOULDING GETTING HERE THIS IS BORIN’!
Training now, and Katie promises that her showdance isn’t going to be subtle, low-key, or modest. It’s also not going to be done to the Avengers Theme Tune with her dressed as Emma Peel and Anton as John Steed either, so it can nob off. I bet if they’d done that they would have won (/not finished 4th) (/not finished 4th by AS MUCH). Anton promises us high drama and lots of Katie being chucked about and falling off things and seems incredibly enthusiastic about it but…there’s a problem. As Katie puts it, her body “wants to go and lie down in a dark room for about a month”. That’s right kids, we’ve
hit the hangover. It had to happen – the dog only has so many hairs on it. Still, she’s going to neck five aspirin, stick some sunglasses on, and hope for the best. (Also apparently she’s injured her back but…we all know what the deal is here, right?) She and Anton sit down on some chairs and agree that the other is marvellous and they are marvellous and this wouldn’t have been as fun with anyone else. Which is a sentiment I would definitely agree with.
TO THE DANCEFLOOR!
So this makes three weeks in a row someone’s beel eliminated on a tidal wave of batshit mental then? Katie and Anton are dancing a tango-paso combo to “O Fortuna” complete with
Flight Of The Valkyrie lifts
butterfly kicks and most barking mad of all
a full bodied suicide dive off the stage. It’s not danced particularly well (she stumbles over her own feet at least twice), she looks out of her gourd the whole way through, the choreography’s pretty basic once you cut through the pomp and camp and they’re neither of them going to win points for subtlety, but of all the showdances this evening, it’s easily the one I’ll look back on most fondly.
As the crowd go wild, and Anton steadfastly refuses to acknowledge Katie’s increasingly frantic gestures to him to hurry up over and pick her up off the floor, let’s all raise one last toast to Katie Derham. Huzzah! Once Anton’s finally relieved Katie of her indignity, and she reaches the judges, it’s Darcey who has to start, with a slightly muted “…wow”.
She says that she loved the drama and the spectacle of it all, particularly the opening segment on the podium, but she feels like Katie didn’t quite live up to the music, and her nerves showed. Len’s next, and he says that he was very impressed with how Anton caught Katie flying off the stage, but he agrees with Darcey that the music overpowered the performance. One person in the audience boos and Len then refuses to talk any more.
Tess is loving this, you can just tell.
thanks Bruno, and Craig finishes us off by saying that he really didn’t take to it at all, and whilst he doesn’t want to end the programme on a negative, he really doesn’t think that routine was at the same level as the three earlier ones. He thought it was stiff and rigid and… – at this point Anton jumps in to list all the other faults – where Katie’s footwork went wrong, where she jumped when she wasn’t supposed to and Katie comically
hisses at him to shut up. Craig then gives a deeply patronising speech about how Katie doesn’t have the level of skill that any of her competitors possess (yes, that’ll be the “not having been to stage school”) but she can feel proud that she tried blah blah who asked you Craig seriously? He tells Katie that he’s very “personally proud” of her (why?) and then Katie says that she appreciates. The
LOOK Anton gives her at this is for the ages.
Up to Claud 9 they go, where the last word for tonight is entirely Anton’s. After some faff over whether the scores are in, he says that he enjoyed himself anyway, and Claudia asks him if he regrets that music choice now after the judges bagged on it so thoroughly. He says not and that if anything the band were being too quiet with it for his tastes. Scores are in
31. Stingy gits. Don’t try and tell me that was worth less than Mark Wright running up and down stairs to Queen.
TO THE SECOND HALF!