Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Final Performance

#stopJudgesChoice2015

Last week : Kellie owned the night, as the only dancer to produce two strong semi-final performances as Jay’s ballroom technique fell to bits, Georgia caught a norovirus, the Gleb Specials finally reached critical mass and blew up in Anita’s face, and Katie…well the less said about what Katie did the better, but she’s still here so let’s plough on. Let’s hope that they don’t marr Kellie’s genuine moment of triumph by over-egging it and making out she’s the new Natalie Gum…oh too late, the script has been written.

This week

Honestly I can’t tell who looks like they hate him the most. In actuality it was a tricky week all round for Team GG as

Giovanni probably should have picked a better place to rendezvous with her boyfriend after hours for a repeat session than their training room. That’s quite the bite she’s giving him – Northern girls fight dirty. (What? Don’t tease me with shirtlessness and then not deliver show, because I will just make things up). And then after all that…

GRIMSHAW! Sure, a good showing in her dances and a strong finish in this final might open up avenues for her to take up new work (by which I mean “work”) but given that she’s having to sit through all this AND presumably still have the tail end of last week’s sniffles (look at her trying to give the camera drama face here

like one of The Walking Dead), was it truly worth it?

Oh yeah and Kellie, Katie and Jay are training a lot and really want this and stuff as well.

LIVE!

May they haunt him forever. (Also, they’ve changed the order of the credits so that all the finalists go in a row at the very end, which means for one night only, Katie Derham gets to be the ho. What a wrap party!)

In the studio we open with this shot

of Katie, Georgia and Kellie applying their make-up in the mirrors back stage whilst Jay walks around in a pensive and manly fashion behind them. Because Lord knows the men on this show are definitely not pancaked in make-up at all times as well no sir. Then from out of the wings

GREG APPEARS EEEEEEEEEEEEE! I love that this picture makes it looks like the contestants are in fact his dolls, and he is the Zeus of this Clash Of The Titans (and Katie Derham) of a finale. As Greg leads the contestants off upstairs, and a mournful slow version of “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” by Whitney starts

Gleb BURSTS through the curtains all “OH LOOK A CAMERA, ME WANTEE!”. There then follows an ambling, rather aimless “group dance” backstage which includes

a cameo from Evil Moira Ross In A Rainbow Wig’s Chief Imp Jason Gilkison,

Darcey sprint-dancing like she’s running away from Ghostface

Peter Andre in the Production Gallery I KNEW IT, RIGGED, JUSTICE FOR JAMELIA etc etc

Craig doing the ironing

………whatever’s going on here

Helen looking very much like she WAS Ghostface, this entire time, Scream V, get ready

and Aljaz shagging Jamelia, Carol and Kirsty in a lift. Oh also

some Latin dancing and giant banners and

KATIE NO! Jesus how did she get up there? Listen Katie, sit tight, we’ll call the fire brigade and they’ll be here to get you down. This always happens after a few pints, she wants to climb up everything…

Well that was a lot of pictures wasn’t it, let’s get to some more text. Welcome to this, the 13th annual Strictly Come Dancing Final. Our four finalists – Tipsy McStagger, Snuffly Wanted, Violet Elizabeth Bott and…no, it’s gone, she was in Corrie for 2 episodes or something once – will dance twice for our enjoyme…once for our enjoyment, with their showdances, and once for the pleasure of absolutely nobody. Then there will be Casualty and La Prenj will fall off a roof and then we will return, and the contestant with the fewest votes will be eliminated in 4th place. Then we will get the contestants’ favourite dance of the series, then a bunch of filler VTs, then the annual Final Group Dance, then a winner will be crowned. All presided over by

these two. Tess trying to do with her waist there what Boy George tries to do for his chin by smearing it with a handful of charcoal every morning. Meanwhile flailing about impotently, at this point “for guidance only”

these four. Based on the guidance being offered tonight I wouldn’t offer them employment as a guide anywhere other than possibly a pencil museum in Rhyl.

Jay McGuiness & Aliona Vilani dancing the Quickstep

Hang on, I’m getting a transmission.


DO NOT CALL IT THE COMEBACK I AM BACK, FOR THE STRICTLY 2015 SOCIAL MEDIA UPDATES WITH ME IVETA LUKOSIUTE, LIFE THIEF, 10 DANCE CHAMPION AND WINNER OF STRICTLY COME DANCING UK THREE OF THE TIMES, WITH MY HOTT PARTNERS TAHM EFANS, MARK BENSONS AND OLD MAN! I AM HERE TO TELL YOU ALL WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE INSTAGRAMS, TWITTERS, AND FACEBOOK AND MR TUMBLERS FOR ALL FOUR OF STRICTLY FINALS 2015! FIRST IS JAY MCGUINESS, HEIRESS TO GUINESS BEER FORTUNE AND HOT YOUNG BOYBAND MAN! HE IS PARTNER OF ALIONA VILANI, EVEN AFTER IVETA PUSH HER DOWN STAIRS! HEY IS ONLY FAIR IF IVETA HAS TO HELP WITH OLD MAN IVETA ALSO GET TO HELP WITH HOT YOUNG STUD! SADLY POLICE OF UK NOT SEE IT THIS WAY, AND NOW IVETA IS GIVING HER MAJESTY PLEASURE! STILL THIS LEAVE IVETA PLENTY OF TIME FOR DANCE PRACTICE, WEARING THE LEOPARDPRINT AND SHARING SOCIAL MEDIA INSIGHT WITH PEOPLE OF MONKSEAL BLOG! JAY IS VERY POPULAR BOY ON ALL SOCIAL MEDIAS AND IF YOU GOOGLE THERE ARE NUDE PICTURES WITH PENIS BUT THEY MAY NOT BE REAL! HAHT! THAT IS SOCIAL MEDIA UPDATE FOR JAYMES MCGUINESS SEE YOU NEXT DANCE STRICTLY FANS!

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

So for Judges Choice, for Jay they’ve gone the obvious route of having him reprise his quickstep, which last time featured him tripping round the dance-floor like a badger on rollerskates. So if we are doing an entire round in the final based on contestants “redeeming themselves” for past mistakes this makes some sort of sense. As well as Iveta, I also have another set of guests tonight – the Blindfolded Dart Throwing Song Choice Monkeys. (OOK!) They are going to be selecting a routine also for all of our finalists, entirely at random. At the end of this round, you can have your say as to who chose better (OOK!) in terms of what you want to watch in a Strictly final. If you want an idea of how it’s likely to go, they just chose Jay’s Charleston. Anyway, Jay’s reprise of this shows that yes, he definitely can do Quickstep better than he did in Week 4. Unfortunately all of us who watched the Quickstepathon already know this. What it doesn’t show, I’m afraid, is that this routine was well themed or well choreographed

because, well, it isn’t. I don’t really think this is going to replace Ellen At The Oscars as the viral selfie of the 2010s and as a dance it’s a skittery, spinning, breathless panic attack. Jay does a lot better job of holding the whole thing down and keeping it all pinned together than he did before but it’s lacking charm and elegance and it’s still a bit messy. I can’t really think of a ballroom dance all series where it didn’t feel like Aliona was bombarding us with something else to hide his basic lack of serene grace as a ballroom dancer, and in this case it’s bombast and rock guitars.

END JUDGES CHOICE!

It gets a loud audience response, and I feel so sorry for this audience, clearly ready to pelt Jay with roses and lay out the red carpet between him and the trophy, that they’re not able to do it for a dance where they’d be responding to it a little bit more sincerely. Jay tells Tess that the atmosphere tonight is electric, and that his feet are shaking. To this Tess hoots “EVERYTHING’S SHAKING! I KNOW, I CAN FEEL IT!”

No you can’t Tess, you’ve been told now. Back off. One last awkward wave from Davarch?

There we are. Len starts for the judges, saying that he so wanted Jay to get through that routine without making mistakes…but he didn’t. The audience boo and then Len

takes umbridge again. He splutters “do you want me to lieeeeeeeeeeeeee and say he didn’t?!”. Yes Len, yes they do. It’s the final, they want you to give everything a 10, say “tickle me bum and call me Fanny Fantastic” and otherwise to shut up. Bruno’s next

thanks Bruno.

Craig follows, saying that we all know that wasn’t perfect (speak to the St Jay fans Craig, I’m sure they’ll tell you otherwise), but he maintained his top line brilliantly, and his thumb was down throughout. No-one cares about thumbs Craig, not now, not ever. Tess next turns to Darcey and tells her that Jay is the only male dancer in the final and also the only contestant never to have been in the dance-off. Way to make the evening even more predictable Tess. Anyway, Darcey says that that dance scores top grades with her for complexity! If not for the actual dancing I guess. She says that she could really feel the nerves radiating throughout the room, but that was divine even with the small mistakes.

Up to Claud 9 they clatter, where Claudia asks him if it was nervewracking going first and Jay says that normally he likes going first because then you can just sit back and enjoy what everyone else is doing nerves-free, but that isn’t the case tonight, because he still has to perform two more times. ALso, given what’s coming up “enjoy” would be a strong word. Claudia then asks the if they were a bit worried performing their worst routine of the series again, and Aliona responds that that’s definitely not the case – in fact when they got it wrong the first time she immediately told Jay she wanted to be in the dance off and do it again. That

does not look like a happy memory for Jay. He hoots “BECAUSE SHE’S CRAZY!”. Can we just celebrate the real redemption arc here – Jay getting through an entire interview with Claudia expressing coherent relevant thoughts and not looking like he’d just soiled himself? Scores are in

36. Finals Night scoring eh? Next up

Mary Berry.

Georgia May Foote & Giovanni Pernice dancing the rumba

Hold on a second…


HELLO AGAIN, BACK ONCE AGAINS WITH RENEGADE MASTER! FUN FACT : THAT SONG WAS WRITTEN ABOUT IVETA BY LENNON AND THE MCCARTNEYS! THANK YOU LINDA! I WILL RETURN THE TOASTER SOON, THAT IS AN IVETA PROMISE! I AM HERE TO GIVE YOU A SOCIAL MEDIAS UPDATE ON GEORGIA MAY AND HER GBF (GORGEOUS BEST FREIND!) GIOVANNI PERNICE! MANY PEOPLE HAVE TROUBLE PRONOUNCING GIOVANNI’S NAME, JUST LIKE BRUCE DID WITH IVETA. BUT BRUCE IS GONE NOW. THINK ABOUT IT. CALL ME LOCKERSHITTER AND GET AWAY WITH IT I DON’T THINK SO. I CRUSH YOU LIKE I CRUSH HANNAH FROM D WING WHO USE IVETA’S PHONE CARD TO CALL OUT WITHOUT ASKING IVETA! I DO NOT REMEMBER GIOVANNI AS HE WAS NOT HERE WHEN IVETA WAS HERE OTHERWISE SHE WOULD HAVE HAD MANY SEXES WITH HIM THE HOT PANINI! GIOVANNI IS FROM THE NORTH AND IS THE BEST NEW PRO THIS SERIES, JUST LIKE IVETA WAS, AND GEORGIA IS FROM ITALY AND IS STAR OF A TV SHOW ONCE! I CHECK HER TWITTER AND CAN CONFIRM SHE BLOODY LOVE HER SISTER AND IS GRATEFUL TO EVERYBODY WHO VOTE FOR HER! ALSO SHE HAS A HOTMAIL ACCOUNT! SEE YOU NEXT TIME!

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Worst. Glory Hole. Ever. The judges have chosen Georgia & Giovanni’s rumba again so that Len’s series long vendetta against rumba can finally be sated by him forcing Giovanni into rechoreographing his, so that Len doesn’t have to have a strop at him over it this time. I do feel sorry for Giovanni, because having to completely rechoreograph a dance in the final is more than any of the other pros are having to do this evening. Meanwhile the Monkeys continue to put in stirling work, and have suggested that Georgia reprise her samba (no, I swear, these are totally random). Which would be a fun choice but wouldn’t involve Georgia performing as

The Dark Lady, which I think is her most iconic visual role this series. That or when they gave her crusty white-gurl dreadlocks to do the Ghostbuster Tango. Anyway, whilst this dance may have been comprehensively done over since its first performance (honestly, I’m not going back and watching the whole palaver two more times let’s just say it is) I think it’s the one dance of the first round for me that’s worse than the first time we saw it, just because all it had going for it then was the atmosphere and that’s now gone. I don’t know if Georgia is a bit nervy over the fact the first impression she’s making in the final is

sensuously knuckling her own booby and then

whatever this is, but it’s all a bit awkward and like she doesn’t want to be there. It’s a lot of bum-writhing and stalking around twisting her wrists and whilst it’s all very tidy and sexy…I think finals night rumbas should probably only be done if people really want to do them and can really blaze up the floor with it and for all the

Mills & Boon covershot action, these two can’t.

END JUDGES CHOICE 2015!

They toddle over to the judges where Bruno kicks us off

Thanks Bruno. Craig’s next and says that she had great hip action and he really loved the sense of drama she created, although there was a little wobble at the end. Georgia’s boyfriend though

is still sat down, and the dance is barely over, so we all know the real story here. If it had been any good he would have been stood there, applauding on his own and whooping his head off.

Darcey’s next and she’s very effusive about what a beautiful sensual lady Georgia’s grown into over the course of the series and says that she doesn’t care about the wobble at the end, because Giovanni was right there to restabilise her. I mean yes, that is his job Darcey. I know Anton would have let her go splat with a “HA HA MARVELOUS WHAT LARKS!” but he’s a very special case. We close with Len telling Giovanni he’s a good boy now and he can definitely come back next year, unlike that TRENT WHIDDON who dared to defy Len and was never seen ever again. Indeed that was 00HEAVEN because Giovanni choreographed in a Spiral Into Aida. Or something like that.

Up to Claud 9 they ooze, where Claudia tells Georgia that she has a new favourite person in the world, and it’s Georgia’s mum, because she has not stopped crying all evening.

Tears, as ever, sustaining reality tv hosts. Saves talking about the dancing I guess. (Daddy Clifton’s complete lack of reaction to the camera being on him here is kind of eerie to be honest. At least look kindly at the woman snorfling into her hankie, Papa) Claudia tells Giovanni that he must be relieved that Len doesn’t hate him no more and Giovanni’s all “sure, why not?”. Scores are in

36

Kellie Bright & Kevin Clifton dancing the tango

Oh here we go again…


HELLO AGAIN MY FANS ANOTHER SOCIAL MEDIA UPDATE HERE WITH IVETA AND SPECIAL GUEST STAR TAHHMM. HE HAFF VISITING RIGHTS TODAY AND IS SNEAKING IVETA A TOOTHBRUSH MADE INTO A SHIV IN ORDER TO HELP HER ESCAPE SHHH. ENJOY AND FLICK YOUR KNOBS TO THIS PICTURE OF TAHM AS MODEL. IVETA WOULD SHARE PICTURES FROM TAHM’S HOLLYWOOD ACTING PORTFOLIOS BUT THIS FAMILY BLOG NO ANAL PENETRATION ALLOWED NOT SINCE LAST TIME. IVETA NOW TELL YOU ABOUT KEVIN CLIFTON AND KELLIE CLIFTON WHO ARE MEMBER OF CLIFTON FAMILY CULT ALONG WITH JOJO CLIFTON, KAREN MAMBO-CLIFTON, DADDY CLIFTON, MUMMY CLIFTON, SUSANNA CLIFTON AND FRANKIE CLIFTON! THEY CAN BE FOLLOWED ON CLIFTONGRAM, CLIFTONBOOK, CLIFTONSPACE AND BBC ONE! ON KELLIE’S CliftIn PROFILE, KELLIE CLIFTON STATE THAT SHE IS A PROFESSIONAL LADY ACTRESS WHO ENJOY COCK IN KNEE KNEES-UP, BURNING THINGS DOWN FOR INSURANCE (LADY AFTER IVETA’S OWN HEART) AND TELLING ALL THE PEOPLES TO GET OUT OF HER PUBLIC HOUSE NOW! SAY HELLO TAHM! (HELLO TAHM!)

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

I guess it’s a tribute to Kellie’s general professionalism and steady performance over the series that of all the dancers they had the most trouble picking a Redemption Dance with her, and just told her to do her Week 1 dance all over again. Although remember the VT for this? When Kellie was worried about having to be herself in front of the public, so Kevin created the character of “Mimi The Mod Bitch” for her for this dance, to ease her in gently, so she could slowly get eventually to being herself for dances in the future? Yeah that never happened did it? Anyway this is exactly the same as it was week 1, from the 25 seconds of random 60s dance move arms and vagina twitching to start off, through the

singing along, to the ending where she just randomly floops and then vamps up to the moped.

Her technique’s definitely come along since Week 1, and it’s a fun, albeit slightly throwaway number but I’m sorry I can’t even begin to recap this properly given the nonsense that’s about to follow.

Once they’ve finished, the reaction from the audience dies down fairly quickly, but it’s alright, because someone’s on hand up on Claud 9 to start up a “10! 10! 10!” chant from the assembled celebrity throng (a chant that is profoundly not taken up by the audience). The voice that starts this “10! 10! 10! 10!” chant sounds awfully squeaky. You might suggest it was Joanne, I couldn’t possibly comment. (I guess it might have been Karen?)

Craig starts for the judges, saying that all of Kellie’s hard work finally paid off in that tango, with amazing characterisation and great precision and dynamism in her performance. Darcey’s next and says that she loved it the first time around, but this time it really became clear how well the 60s theming and the tango worked togther. Is it “not at all” Darcey? Anyway, apparently the difference in Kellie’s topline in particular was

“YUMMEH!”. I could have done with going a whole series without “YUMMEH!” coming out to be honest, but the evening has to reach a nadir somewhere, so why not here?

Len’s next, and he says that Kellie certainly ironed all the KINKS out of that routine tonight

before Bruno finishes us off.

Thanks Bruno.

Up to Claud 9 they screech, where Claudia discusses with Kellie about how nice it is to have “the whole gang” back for the final, which according to Kellie is “how it should be”. LOL remember when Carol Vorderman drunk-dialled It Takes Two, slagged off Arlene, and then didn’t bother turning up for the final? Happy days. Claudia asks Kellie how easy it was remembering a dance she last performed three months ago, and Kellie says…not very, because she’s learned so many dances in between then and now, and danced on so many tables. Claudia jokes that she’s had 6 children since she last saw that tango and Kellie’s reaction is

understated as ever. Scores are in

oh piss off was it. 40. (The Dart Throwing Song Choice Monkey’s Pick? Her American Smooth. Now that getting 40 I wouldn’t have objected to).

Katie Derham & Anton du Beke dancing the quickstep

If you stare into the abyss long enough, it turns out Anton stares back at you. One last go round?


OH WHAT A BUSY EVENING FOR IVETA! SOCIAL MEDIA UPDATE ON JAY, SOCIAL MEDIA UPDATE ON GEORGIA, SOCIAL MEDIA UPDATE ON KELLIE, HAVE LESBIAN WITH PRISON WARDEN AND BLACKMAIL HER INTO SLIPPING IVETA SECRET SKELETON’S KEY, NOW SOCIAL MEDIA UPDATE FOR KATIE DERHAMS! KATIE DERHAMS IS LOVELY OLD LADY WHO LIKES DRINKING TEA AND PROMMING! SHE VERY RICH LADY WHO LIKES A DRINK AND HER HUSBAND BE BRITISH EMPIRE MEMBER NOW SO SHE NOT EVEN MIND WHEN IVETA SKIM ALL HER CREDIT CARDS PROBABLY! FOR THIS, IVETA WOULD LIKE HER TO WIN! ALSO HER PARTNER IS OLD MAN, OLDEST MAN EVER IN STRICTLY FINAL. HE REMIND IVETA OF HER OWN OLD MAN WHO WAS FRIENDS WITH ZOES BALLS WHEN IVETA WIN SERIES 10. HE WAS LIKE BUTTER TO IVETA’S HEART. BOTH KATIE AND OTHER OLD MAN ARE SO OLD THEY PROBABLY DON’T EVEN HAVE SOCIAL MEDIA, NOT LIKE FUNKY FRESH IVETA AND HOTT TAHM, SO IVETA CAN’T REALLY DO SOCIAL MEDIA UPDATES FOR HER BUT HAPPY 2016 KATIE DERHAMS! NOW IVETA HAVE TO GO TO GEORGIA TO START NEW LIFE! HOW IRONIC! GEORGIA IS ALSO STRICTLY FINALS PERSON! SMALL WORLD! TOODLE’S PIPS AND UNTIL NEXT TIME, KEEP TWEETING YOUR TWATS!

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

So the idea here is that, in getting the quickstep, having got so much more ballroom experience under her belt since the week she danced it, Katie should now be able to ace the choreography that was too hard for her the first time. This is Katie who took two goes to get a waltz right last week. Good luck. She also, in the interim, appears to have picked up

a real problem with hats. Oh Katie.

The Guest Monkeys (OOK!) incidentally? Chose the jive.

It’s interesting to see Anton in a new habitat here, competing in a final and (theoretically at least) for the win. I’m not sure it entirely suits him. He’s pushing Katie very hard and she’s still not quite able to keep up with the pace of dancing, and he’s added

extra weird little bits and bobs to the choreography that come across as though he’s trying far too hard. It’s not really allowing Katie herself any time to display personality beyond inanely grinning around wondering which direction she’s supposed to be looking at any given time. It’s a little antic and overblown, just like Jay’s quickstep was, and I know it’s a final and everyone’s trying hard with a dance they don’t want to be doing but it’d be nice to see someone performing with a bit of relaxed assurance. I also can’t help feeling here that, as usual, despite his reputation, Anton has lost this series on ballroom rather than latin.

END JUDGES CHOICE 2015!

They go over to the judges table, where Tess trills “HATS, CANES AND ANTON DU BUKE! IT DOESN’T GET MORE BALLROOM THAN THAT DOES IT?”. To which Anton mutters “yeah, hats and canes…” under his breath. Tee hee. On this show Anton, yes it is. Darcey starts for the judges by telling Katie that she’s always a beautiful classy lady. Wait til the wrap party Darce, we’ll see. Anyway, she thinks Katie held that together really well right until the very end when she had to ask Anton for assistance. Anton at this point has pushed himself so hard that he’s developed


a little twitch bless him. Len follows, saying that Katie made some mistakes (Audience : Boo, Len : Wah Wah Wah, Monkseal : IGNORE THEM!) but she was moving so fast there she could have ended up on 43rd Street. Ah yes, home of the majestic and historic Hard Rock Cafe and the Apple Store.

Bruno’s next

Thanks Bruno. Meanwhile in the audience

remember guys, having bets with your wife wherein if they make the Strictly Final they get to down two bottles of Prosecco and then choose what you have to wear are a BAD IDEA. Craig closes by calling Katie out on her hat problems

and the gapping that was going on throughout the routine, AND the fact that she jumped into whole segments of the routine quite clumpingly, but says it was a MAJOR improvement on last time. Apparently MAJOR, when it comes to scores, means “one whole point”. Anton hoots that we should wait until next week when there’ll be an even BIGGER improvement, just you wait. No Strictly at all would indeed be an improvement over Judges Bloody Choice.

Up to Claud 9 they tipper tapper where Claudia asks Katie if she was horrified when the judges chose quickstep for her, and of course Katie says no she loved it, she loves everything, it’s all marvellous (HA HA) although she’s developing a real hatred for hats. Anton chortles that she preferred it this time, especially the bits she decided to choreograph herself. Whilst they were dancing. Oh Anton. Scores are in

31. Mean.

THIRD OF THE WAY THROUGH LEADERBOARD?

Sweet

Jay McGuiness & Aliona Vilani dancing the Showdance

Oh Lawd, here we go. It’s time for the Showdances. The round where the contestants are given free rein to do whatever they like, in whatever style of dance, with as many different tricks and lifts and props and fireworks as they like. As a round, and I say this almost without exception, it never ends well. Tess tells us all that over the course of the series there have been moments where Jay made the nation catch its breath, like That Jive, That Charleston, and That Time On It Takes Two When He Joked About Mutilating A Toddler. So we’ve all got high hopes for tonight! Personally I’ve sat through two Aliona Special Showdances before so…not so much me.

In his VT, Jay tells us all his “master plan” for the showdance – it’s going to involve little pieces of every routine they’ve done so far this series. What, all of them? That seems…unwise, unless we’re about to see you find 13 different ways to stick your face in Aliona’s cleavage. Fortunately Aliona breaks in to explain that really she’s limited her flights of fancy to bits of the rumba, foxtrot, Argentine Tango, Charleston, tango and jive. I think my favourite bit is when she says “foxtrot” and it’s showing

this. Not really foxtrot is it love? The merits or otherwise of doing a Frankenroutine of previous bits of choreography have been well argued out at this point and whilst I’m neither for or agin it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen it pulled off coherently. Trying to stick bits of 6 entirely different disciplines into one 90 second routine when even Fusion Week was beyond most of the pros that attempted seems…unlikely and indeed Jay says that it’s

making his poor little woobie head hurt. It all ends, as it usually does at this stage, with Aliona and Jay on the floor

talking about how much they mean to one another. Indeed this last week has seen Aliona on a rampage saying repeatedly that Jay is her BEST PARTNER EVER and she enjoyed him FAR MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE SHE’S EVER DANCED WITH, a bit like a girlfriend reassuring a guy who’s just had premature spillage issues. On which classy note

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatevno Aliona it’s giving me a head rush get me down get me down get me down sorry sorry sorry I can’t get me down I’m going to get a nosebleed again. I mean

this is just nonsense for the sake of it isn’t it?

“Hi Evil Moira Ross In A Rainbow Wig, my showdance is just going to be bits of old dances”
“Well is there at least going to be a theme?”
“No”
“Costumes?”
“No”
“Giant Polystyrene Globe?”
“No”
“…well we’re at least sticking your boy upside down from a couple of bungee cords, it says in his Ringah File he can do gymnastics and THIS IS THE FINAL DAMNIT”

So yeah, this is a compilation of individual moves from Jay’s earlier routines to “I Can’t Feel My Face” by The Weeknd, which fulfils Aliona’s main two briefs on this show per her fans – being cool and modern and down with the kids and also telling the judges where they can stick it. It’s just a shame that this didn’t result in, well, SHOWDANCE music. The “now do rumba, now do Argentine tango, now do “foxtrot” ” nature of it, combined with the Backstreet Boys outfits and the bizarre new choreography (“Imma throw up a heart sign for my peeps in the St Jay Army” and “do incy wincy spider up my arse” being particular highlights) makes the whole thing feel like a rather misguided mixture between a boyband video and a driving test. Also shame on Aliona for being such a tease, promising jive moves and then delivering…one? Two? “We won’t do the jive again because it was a special moment but we will do it on the tour and also insert bits of it into our showdance” is an increasingly odd argument anyway. Because nothing says “special” like dismemberment. Really the whole thing could do with an idea or an identity beyond “aren’t I cool?”. Might I suggest


increasing the spanking elements? Could have been interesting.

And then it just ends, making to my mind Aliona 3 for 3 for poor showdances.

They wander over to the judges, where Tess joins in with the whole “heart sign” thing that has passed me by until this week.

I’m sure for the St Jay Army this is a bit like your mum going to a One Direction concert with you and being all “I’M A RIGHT ZAYNIAC AREN’T I CHLOE? I’M MAD FOR THE MALIK!”. She’s not even doing it right, bless her. She turns to Len first and asks him what he thinks

Given that this is a man who probably still thinks that T Rex are a bit too “out there” for him, I’m not sure in da club bum spanking to The Weeknd was ever going to be his bag. He appreciated that it was supposed to be “Jay & Aliona’s Greatest Hits” but it wasn’t exciting or showy enough for him. He wanted more pizzazz because as that stood, he wouldn’t really call it a showdance. Bruno’s next

thanks Bruno.

Craig’s next, and he says that he’s very disappointed, because he knows what Jay’s capable of and he thinks it was copping out just doing a compilation of previous routines. Remember how that used to be the whole point of the showdances? To show what people had learnt? Although also notice how you can’t remember any of those early showdances now… Craig closes by saying that it was all build up and no climax. We’ve all been there. Darcey closes by calling him the “Cool Cat Of Technique”. Was that Rum-Tum-Tugger or Rumpleteazer? Spectacular moves, seemless delivery, but lacking in surprise or novelty. Aliona peeps that she’ll take all the blame for everything. That would probably be wise.

Up to Claud 9 they spiral, where Claudia reassures Jay that everyone up there went completely nuts for him and hopes that he knows that. Which is sweet but there was no “TEN! TEN! TEN! TEN!” was there? I think it’s fairly obvious all evening how Claud 9 want this to go… Anyway Claudia grins that it was all like a jigsaw puzzle of previous dances and yes I think that’s the problem. It’s the final – nobody’s here for something your gran made you do on a rainy Saturday. Aliona at this point clarifies that she made all the moves from previous routines more intricate and more difficult and Jay reassures her that he wouldn’t have wanted anything different for his showdance.

Oh God, Andre’s gearing up for a “CAN I JUST SAY?” can we get the scores in please

thanks. 35.

Georgia May Foote and Giovanni Pernice dancing the SHOWDANCE

Tess tells us that Georgia’s showdance is innovative and incredibly challenging. She leaves out the part where it’s bloody stupid. Tess goes on to say that it’s very traditional, in that Giovanni is leading, but the WAY that he’s leading is truly inspired. Georgia

looks less than convinced by this.

Training now, and Georgia tells us that the great thing about the showdance is that there are no

shirts. RULES. Sorry, no rules. There are no rules. Apart from whatever rule it was that disqualified Jay’s from being counted as one, per Len. Anyway, Giovanni promises us that his showdance for Georgia will be full of peril and danger, as we are treated to a shot of him

dragging her around the floor as she squeals “NO, I’M GONNA GET SPLINTERS IN ME ARRRRRRRRSE”. He also says that at the beginning there will be a small thing that is a little bit different. Yup, heard that one before as well. Georgia joins in, saying that their little secret is exciting, but it could go very wrong. She does say though, that over the course of the competition, she’s learnt to trust her Joe Varney, so she’s happy to go ahead with it. She and Joe Varney then sit on the floor and chat. There is crying. Mostly from Georgia.

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

So the “little secret” is that Georgia is going to be doing the first half of this routine blindfolded. I wonder if her boyfriend attended a lot of these training sessions. You know, just for moral support and to give Giovanni a hand whilst Georgia stumbled about the room blindfolded. They’re dancing to “Fix You” by Coldplay and I’m sorry



even if this is a metaphor and she isn’t supposed to literally be portraying a blind person this is incredibly misguided. Generally up until now I think of all the finalists Georgia has been the best at capturing the spirit and performance elements of each dance but I think this whole routine is asking a bit much of her range. Or the range of good taste, given that the implication is that blindness can be cured VIA THE PURITY OF DAHNCE! I know some of our finalists are officially living saints, but that seems a bit too much. She dances the blindfolded part well enough (especially considering the fact that, y’know, she’s BLINDFOLDED) and there’s some interesting tricks

particularly this lift dismount, but the whole thing’s too corny for words. Then when the blindfold comes off, and after a big lift, it just turns into a tango to a very odd music choice (psst, I still prefer it as a tango to Kellie’s, even if her shoulders are up around her ears) before closing with one of the more misguided choreographicaly choices of the series – Giovanni doing 6 pirouettes impeccably, very fast, right down the camera lens, followed by Georgia doing 3, poorly, at Bruno speed right after him. I guarantee you if Gleb had pulled that he would have been strung up. In summary I know that thanks to the judges Georgia wasn’t able to show off her love of ballroom over latin in the final by conventional means but…this was far too gloopy I’m sorry.

Bless.

They go over to the judges where Tess marvels that Georgia is now so good she can dance BLINDFOLDED. I’d like to see the same with her hosting, it might give the contestants a fighting chance of avoiing her tentacles. Bruno starts

thanks Bruno. Craig’s next and he says that whilst it didn’t bring a tear to his eye as a dance, he did particularly like the blindfolded section, because it must have taken a lot of trust to slide down Giovanni’s back like that without knowing where the bottom was. I mean…he’s not got a Pasha Kovalev badonkadonk but that seems a little mean Craig.

Tess next turns to Darcey and says “we were moved in the audience, were you?”. Tess Of The People there. She’s just like us. She feels what we feel. Or what we’d like to if it wouldn’t get us thrown out the studio. Darcey says that the start of the dance was really wonderful, like a “beautiful revolving installation”. She does think though, that in the midst of the dizziness and the demanding choreography, that Georgia forgot a lot of what she’d learnt about keeping her shoulders down. Len closes by saying that he loved the fusion of styles, and that he thought the opening section was “poignant” and that she’s a lovely ballroom dancer.

Up to Claud 9 they whirl, where Claudia says that that was a very emotional dance, and asks Georgia what it meant to her. Georgia explains that

“it was like when I took the blindfold off it was like opening my eyes to everything I’ve learnt and what Joe’s taught me and he’s opened my eyes to a lot”. But was it amazing? Giovanni says that Georgia made him very proud, and Georgia then apologises about her shoulders. Giovanni stage-mutters that they’ll talk about that later. Hee. Scores are in

36

Kellie Bright & Kevin Clifton dancing the SHOWDANCE

Nice that she’s taken her career full circle by coming tonight dressed as T Bag. Tess tells us that Kellie will be performing a genre we don’t often see on Strictly – the Lindy Hop. Yes, not since they added it to the Series 7 final so that Chris Hollins could have another dance he would be alright at to make the result look a bit less absurd. It’s also the only dance genre on the show to be named after a fascist, unless you count Baron von Foxtrot. Anyway, Kellie’s lindy hop will be set on a 1920s train. If only it had been, I would have quite liked them doing the jitterbug around the desserts trolley as Hercule Poirot wondered if we couldn’t arrange another midnight stabbing.

Training now, and Kevin explains to Kellie that in showdance you can do whatever you like. The whole world of dance is open to you. Vast vistas of contemporary, folk, hip hop, cossack, bollywood, meringue, dutty wine, pavane, polka, pony, pachanga and paso. Anything at all. So he’s decided that he and Kellie are going to

jump up and down pulling faces, squealing, doing jazz hands and generally acting like an outtake from The Biz. How exciting. Kevin tells Kellie that if she can pull this off, it’s going to be EPIC and Kellie squeals that she’s in. There then follows a good 30 seconds of them both talking about how FULL ON and INTENSE and EXCITING it is as Kellie recounts all the times she nearly fell on her bum or her head or a passing clergyman. Their own personal goodbye takes place on a sofa, not the floor, because they are adults.

Not that you’d know it half the time.

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

AND THE RETURN OF THE PORN TRAIN! YAY! Anyway, this

is happening 5 seconds into the dance, so if you’re into that sort of thing then get ready! If you’re not…probably best if you go and get a cup of tea about now, there’s nothing for you here. Please take pity on those of us who, despite howling NEVER AGAIN PLEASE during the Series 7 Finale Lindy Hop, have to recap it. Rather than dancing on the train itself (obviously) Kellie and Kevin will be performing their Lindy

right in the middle of the track. Which is a terrible example to be setting to this show’s young audience CALL OFCOM! They’re dancing to “Ding Dong Daddy Of The D Car Line”, which is somewhat appropriate because Kevin’s own Ding Dong Daddy is flying around quite liberally in his trousers the entire time (lucky Karen…except for the part where this song is about a polygamistic fraudster obviously). It is, as they promised, fast, frantic and gurny as anything, and Kellie is, as usual, entirely on point when she’s on her own, and in sync with her side-by-sides, and a little bit glompy and awkward when she and Kevin are dancing together and with the lifts. Still, it’s a burst of energy of a dance after the rather maudlin self-indulgent routines we just had to open the round (apart from a choreographed break where

Kellie just sits on the floor clinging on to Kevin’s leg refusing to let him leave, much like Lisa Snowdon with Brenda at the Series 6 wrap party. At least Kellie’s not screaming “NO, WITHOUT STRICTLY I’LL WITHER AND DIE!!!” I guess) so I can see why it went down so well. It all ends with them crashing around like out of control toddlers before

crashing down on the tracks, to get run over by the Jaypet Express presumably. Three years in a row Kevin has produced what was (imo) the “best” showdance. Three years in a row it’s meant nothing.

It gets the best audience response of the evening so far, as Kellie huffs to Tess that Kevin’s been trying to kill her off all week. Kevin doesn’t deny it. Craig starts for the judges with an “OH-EM-GEE” and an “AH-MAY-ZING”, and Darcey follows by telling Kellie that that was all extraordinary. At this Kellie’s face

crumples like she never stopped being a Child Star. It’s like grand-dad just told her she was very special and offered her his last Werthers Original. Darcey goes on to congratulate Kellie for having put her all into that, and calls her a “cheeky star”.

Len’s next, and says that if Kevin is Ding Dong Daddy, then Kellie is the Belle Of The Ball. No Len, that was Georgia. Keep up. He then yells that “THAT’S A SHOWDANCE!”, Showdances now apparently being wk 9 Charlestons. I guess the problem with the fact that this show is now *so* laden with big production numbers, especially in the last month or so, is that nothing really feels like a showdance any more. Where do you go after the entirity of Les Mis has been recreated in the middle of the dance-floor with 50 backing dancers and people flying in via trapeze? I remember back in the day when the Showdance was Julian Clary doing the rumba in a funny hat. Now, unless you set something on fire it might as well be wk 2. Bruno to finish.

Thanks Bruno.

Up to Claud 9 they rampage, where everyone’s chanting “KELLIE! KELLIE! KELLIE! KELLIE!” for her, and Claudia tells her how brave she was for learning something completely new at this stage in the competition. LOL the digs at Jay’s mess keep on coming don’t they? Kellie says that it’s been so much fun and she loves Kevin and she just keeps on wanting to learn new things and all her fans on Claud 9 gaze at her intently

except Tristan who’s wondering how much longer this goes on for cause he’s dying for a pint. Oh and then there’s a “TEN! TEN! TEN! TEN!” chant again and this time it’s on camera that Joanne’s the one starting it so…yeah. I’m saying actual employees of the show probably shouldn’t be yelling their support for one finalist this much more than the rest, to be honest. Scores are in

40. I think my favourite shot of the final so far is probably

this one of Helen. That could have been her, damnit. That could have been her. Bloody reindeer.

Katie Derham & Anton du Beke dancing the SHOWDANCE

Have you ever heard of a programme called Drunk History? Anyway, Tess tells us that for this Showdance, set in Ancient Rome, Katie will be weaving a tale of passion, drama and intrigue. Although not enough to stop

this woman checking her watch. WHEN’S ELLIE GOULDING GETTING HERE THIS IS BORIN’!

Training now, and Katie promises that her showdance isn’t going to be subtle, low-key, or modest. It’s also not going to be done to the Avengers Theme Tune with her dressed as Emma Peel and Anton as John Steed either, so it can nob off. I bet if they’d done that they would have won (/not finished 4th) (/not finished 4th by AS MUCH). Anton promises us high drama and lots of Katie being chucked about and falling off things and seems incredibly enthusiastic about it but…there’s a problem. As Katie puts it, her body “wants to go and lie down in a dark room for about a month”. That’s right kids, we’ve

hit the hangover. It had to happen – the dog only has so many hairs on it. Still, she’s going to neck five aspirin, stick some sunglasses on, and hope for the best. (Also apparently she’s injured her back but…we all know what the deal is here, right?) She and Anton sit down on some chairs and agree that the other is marvellous and they are marvellous and this wouldn’t have been as fun with anyone else. Which is a sentiment I would definitely agree with.

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

So this makes three weeks in a row someone’s beel eliminated on a tidal wave of batshit mental then? Katie and Anton are dancing a tango-paso combo to “O Fortuna” complete with

spurting flames

Flight Of The Valkyrie lifts

butterfly kicks and most barking mad of all

a full bodied suicide dive off the stage. It’s not danced particularly well (she stumbles over her own feet at least twice), she looks out of her gourd the whole way through, the choreography’s pretty basic once you cut through the pomp and camp and they’re neither of them going to win points for subtlety, but of all the showdances this evening, it’s easily the one I’ll look back on most fondly.

What scenes.

As the crowd go wild, and Anton steadfastly refuses to acknowledge Katie’s increasingly frantic gestures to him to hurry up over and pick her up off the floor, let’s all raise one last toast to Katie Derham. Huzzah! Once Anton’s finally relieved Katie of her indignity, and she reaches the judges, it’s Darcey who has to start, with a slightly muted “…wow”.

She says that she loved the drama and the spectacle of it all, particularly the opening segment on the podium, but she feels like Katie didn’t quite live up to the music, and her nerves showed. Len’s next, and he says that he was very impressed with how Anton caught Katie flying off the stage, but he agrees with Darcey that the music overpowered the performance. One person in the audience boos and Len then refuses to talk any more.

Tess is loving this, you can just tell.

Bruno’s next

thanks Bruno, and Craig finishes us off by saying that he really didn’t take to it at all, and whilst he doesn’t want to end the programme on a negative, he really doesn’t think that routine was at the same level as the three earlier ones. He thought it was stiff and rigid and… – at this point Anton jumps in to list all the other faults – where Katie’s footwork went wrong, where she jumped when she wasn’t supposed to and Katie comically

hisses at him to shut up. Craig then gives a deeply patronising speech about how Katie doesn’t have the level of skill that any of her competitors possess (yes, that’ll be the “not having been to stage school”) but she can feel proud that she tried blah blah who asked you Craig seriously? He tells Katie that he’s very “personally proud” of her (why?) and then Katie says that she appreciates. The

LOOK Anton gives her at this is for the ages.

Up to Claud 9 they go, where the last word for tonight is entirely Anton’s. After some faff over whether the scores are in, he says that he enjoyed himself anyway, and Claudia asks him if he regrets that music choice now after the judges bagged on it so thoroughly. He says not and that if anything the band were being too quiet with it for his tastes. Scores are in

31. Stingy gits. Don’t try and tell me that was worth less than Mark Wright running up and down stairs to Queen.

LEADERBOARD?

TO THE SECOND HALF!

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73 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Final Performance

  1. Sparklemotion

    End judges choice! That’s a chant I could’ve got behind on the night…sad to not see some of the best routines again. GG’s samba a definate miss. They could have picked waltz for Jay or paso and still given him a challenge. Katie’s tango. And Kellie had a couple that could have deserved another go – not the samba though. Ugh.
    Anyone of those routines may have got a deserved 40 – but that tango? There are too many tangos that #wuzrobbed of that score to list.
    I wouldn’t mind telling the judges that it’s the FINAL and no one wants to hear snark from them. Or being told like naughty children what to do. Just give out 9s and 10s, through gritted teeth if needs be, and smile nicely when it ends.
    And while we’re on things that should go in 2016, without the dance off, would Kellie have been in the final do we think?

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Obviously it’s hard to say, because you’d have to reconstitute the whole series without a dance-off (Jamelia clearly would have gone out much earlier) but I think Kellie would have survived either of her bottom 2s without the judges dread hands picking her out to safety. She was far too far ahead of Carol on the leaderboard to be caught up, and I think Peter’s vote was dead by the time her second stint there rolled around.

      Reply
  2. Sparklemotion

    Another thought for 2016 – IVETA as head judge! With social media corner as an extra. And leopard print paddles.

    Reply
  3. Left Feet

    I hate to be like Len but I’m glad this series is over, fine Jay you got your trophy now bugger off back to the Wanted and take your Jaypet fans with you. Actually its his mental fans who have spoilt the series this year, not the real fans who can take some criticism about his dancing. I can accept him winning because maybe over the series he deserved it, but he did not dance well in the final nowhere near. But that’s Strictly and its always been a popularity contest.

    Reply
    1. Carl

      I don’t think mental fans can spoil a series all on their own. The year Alesha won had some of the most disgusting fans ever, but I still remember it fondly. There have been, for me anyway, 3 straight poor weeks, and it really hollowed out what could have been a decent final stretch. If this series had had better dancing and much better judging, and they hadn’t gotten so obsessed with trying to get some type of moral win for Kellie, then it wouldn’t have ended on such a sour note.

      Reply
    2. BeyonceCastle

      Some of his fanbase are…erm…enthusiastic. If he has a bunny, he should be hiding it right now. If he has a girlfriend (didn’t he have one but she vanished around week 3 along with his mum?) She should be assuming a new identity. Some of them are truly fanatic or rather good at trolling.

      Reply
      1. Marcela

        “Enthusiastic” is a very polite word for it. I would have gone for “batshit mental” myself :p

      2. Elsa

        Amen on the hysterical Jaypet fans. WTH? Do men ever get like this? Makes me want to pull a counter Caitlyn. Ladies, he fricking won with some lacklustre sh!te, calm down!!

  4. Rebecca

    Probably says a lot about how ringer-y the ringers are these days that Katie could easily out dance most of the cast of the first three series’ and she’s supposedly the weakest of the four. I mean, she probably is really, but I think putting her on after two high energy performances from someone who seems more stage ready that half the dancers when Katie’s strengths have always been finesse and personality and she was never going to be able to follow them with any impact is about as shit a move as making her go on first in the semis with a routine that she was never going to be great at and threw her confidence throughout the night. Also probably didn’t help that she was doing the same genres as Jay two weeks in a bloody row.

    My choice would have been to bin off Kellie and keep Helen. Her Viennese Waltz would have gotten a 40 and it would have been justified. I wonder if they would have let her re-do her Tango exactly the same but with better music?

    Reply
  5. JamDev

    The final definitely suffered from a lack of Helen’s manicness and Gleb’s… Glebness?
    I feel slightly robbed of a Gleb showdance, I’m sure it couldn’t live up to the ridiculous spectacle I’m imagining, but it would undoubtedly been more entertaining than Jay and Georgia’s offerings. Not to mention the new and interesting Glebjectives you’d need to come up with to describe it πŸ™‚

    Reply
    1. DJ Mikey

      It would have been TOUCHING THE GLEBVINE, TRULY GLEBTASTIC and ABSOLUTELY GLEBULOUS!!! OK, I’m done now… I imagine it combining Gleb’s Rumba (it was never Anita’s) with Gleb’s Salsa (which was also never Anita’s) and being the most glorious train wreck Strictly has ever seen.

      Reply
  6. ChaChaChavvy

    That first picture makes me wish Giovanni had been a mafioso infiltrator all along, trained in the art of ballroom from the age of four just so he could be cast in a UK-based, dance talent show and shank the Prime Minister upon meeting him. Ah, what might have been.

    Reply
  7. Scott

    HOWLED with laughter at the return of Iveta’s Social Media Corner. God I love that cold hard Lithuanian woman. Let’s make her Ola’s replacement!

    Reply
  8. PerfectCustard

    @Sparklemotion – love the idea of Iveta as head judge & leopard print paddles. Yes!
    And thank you Monkseal for bringing us more Iveta. She livens up any finale.

    Almost any dance final I can think of is a bit of a let down due to nerves and expectations.
    This final was no exception. Poor Katie was doing her best, and was better than Mark Wright last year, but was making the same mistakes. However, I will always be fond of this couple because Katie does look gorgeous in a frock, has a fun attitude, and will pour drinks for everyone afterwards.
    Someone on twitter called Katie’s last move the “Reichenbach Falls” maneuver.
    Hey at least I will remember it. And Katie will design a cocktail to celebrate it.

    Giovanni does have a tendency towards twee choreo, which is why I wish for their showdance they had done some fast, light hearted, Jive or Samba. Fun is the operative word for the audience watching. Kellie & Kevin are not my favorites but that Lindy Hop was fun.
    Was it a 40 – No – too clunky in terms of the lifts, but it was very high energy.
    Oh and Jay was just a little bland and boring. But he is technically pretty good.
    I can live with him winning easier than I could live with Kellie winning.

    Reply
  9. PerfectCustard

    It’s nice that so many of us missed Helen in the final. Do you think Miranda would ever do this?
    I think we need to see another Midwife.

    Reply
    1. ChaChaChavvy

      It would have to be Jenny Agutter for me. Not only because she’s magnificent, a proper icon and possibly Katie and Helen’s squiffier older sister but also because I’d like one of the young, innocent, male pros to be paired with that nice, posh, nun-playing lady and then google images of her early film career, rendering himself unable to look her in the eye for the entirety of the competition.

      Reply
      1. Minxy

        Lol yes please

        Also why no Jennie bond? Apparently they have asked her twice, she said yes twice then suddenly it didn’t happen

        Moira Stewart too please

        And also can we have Guy Martin (hopefully his closeness to Grimsby might not be held against him)

      2. DJ Mikey

        So next year’s dream cast includes:

        Jenny Agutter
        Jennie Bond
        Moira Stewart
        Guy Martin

        &

        Tomasz Schafernaker (don’t judge me)

      3. Ross

        If we’re doing fantasy casts, I put forward Nina Conti (do I want a creepy ventriloquist’s doll themed Halloween dance? Yes I do), Dan Howell (so tall, so cute, so inevitably terrible), and Gillian Anderson (just because).

      4. stevenperkins

        I’m fine with nearly all of these suggestions (I’m convinced Schafernaker and Natalie would be a pairing for the ages) but for the love of god, anyone but Guy Martin. Please?

      5. Minxy

        Dunno who Tomasz is or what he does but yes please Mikey

        And Steve – someone we don’t like is needed. Villains make the world go round lol
        I still want him but yes with a wash, shave and brush up as happened with Jay

      6. redfred

        I’m not sure I could put up with Guy Martin for too long, something about him gets on me nerves

        I’m totally on board with Tomasz… As for others, how about Julie Graham? And as it’s an Olympic year, I’ll predict we may get a current athlete or two – let’s say Dan Purvis &/or Becky Downie from the gymnastics world perhaps – as well as a former one or two. Annabel Croft anyone? Though tennis players don’t have a great record, maybe a former athlete like Sally Gunnell.

    2. monkseal Post author

      I feel like Miranda is going to perenially going to circle the show making out like she’s on the edge of doing it, but never quite dipping her hand in. It’s at least more bearable than the way Madeley does it.

      Reply
  10. Carl

    I’m still not sure why they got rid of Iveta in the first place. At least she lives on here…

    I think the hooting and hollering for Kevin and Kellie (and no I don’t think it’s outrageous to not be thrilled with this just because she’s his wife or if his sister does it – I don’t remember Darren and Lilia acting that way [I’ve blocked out a lot of James and Ola]) along with the Lisa Snowden-esque SHE IS THE TRUE WINNER NO MATTER WHAT YOU PLEBIANS SAY judging just made it even more likely they would lose. They were 95% going to lose anyway, but that took it up to 100%. It all came across as a bunch of people who entered their son/daughter/niece/nephew/whatever into a local dancing competition and couldn’t stand the thought of them losing.

    I prefer the old showdances, although I’ll admit I only really remember two of them (Jill/Darren and the dummies – was Chris Parker Batman a showdance?). I think showdances in general have never lived up to expectations, mostly because it’s difficult to capture or marry personality of the dancer, choreography of the pro, and public image. I know a lot of people hated Tom Chambers’ showdance, but I think he and Camilla were among the few who got that balance. With that said, nothing this year was especially horrendous, and the judges acting like it was just another example of them doing their best to piss away any viewer goodwill because they didn’t get what they wanted.

    What I hated the most was just how bitter they were toward Katie. THEY put her through to the finals. They should have been mature – not even mature, just civil. I have a feeling they would have treated Anita the same way, but that doesn’t make their sour apple routines any better. The only good thing I can say about it is it just points out yet again why most of them should be sacked.

    Reply
      1. BeyonceCastle

        Shirley Ballas….someone mentioned her on DS…she would be excellent. Heard her critique DWTS on some aftershow, she was both funny and the right kind of cynical. Knows her stuff and knows how these shows work. That might be a count against her as she might call out the producers on it. But breath of fresh air, yes. Cannot cope with Karen Hardy though, too gurny. Would love to see someone like Ashley Banjo for judging the performance side but suspect he is too busy with Diversity to be able to comment on choreo.

      2. stevenperkins

        I’m struggling to think of anyone they could get on from the dance world who wouldn’t have most of the same biases as the people we’ve got now, so I’m inclined to think it’s better the devil you know. I like Karen Hardy more than most, but even I don’t want her on the judging panel.

      3. ChaChaChavvy

        Well, if we’re going for ex-pros on the judging panel, my vote is for Aliona. Can you imagine it? ‘Actually Len, the rumba is a piece of piss for men.’ ‘With respect, Bruno, you know jack-shit about ballroom technique, so sit down.’ ‘I can’t believe Craig gave that a four. It was only worth a one.’ ‘You danced that very well but, then again, the Charleston is the dance of imbeciles.’ I love Aliona.

      4. Rose

        I’d like to see Shirley Ballas too. She seemed knowledgeable on the DWTS Afterbuzz TV show.
        Of the old pros I’d like Flavia. At least then one person on the panel would know what an Argentine Tango is.

      1. Carl

        Oh God. Fame. I can’t even imagine. I am now envisioning an Aliona/Chris showdance…

        I can’t help thinking that Anton’s showdance was a long-overdue tribute to Erin, what with all the fireballs.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I choose to believe Iveta left on her own terms. Or she stabbed someone in the eye with a cocktail stick at the wrap party because they looked at her TAHHHHM funny.

      Reply
  11. Minxy

    While I agree that Kev is due a duffer (and like you I like him) I had to vote for Gleb to partner Mary Berry. The thought of him asking her how wide she can spread her legs and inflicting a Special on her …. Just too deliciously evil. By crikey she would slap him down so fast verbally and with that withering look lmfao.

    I liked Jay’s upside down bit but wtf did it have to do with the dance? I had to laugh at the St Jay army complaining that the Judges just didn’t get that show-dance while admitting they only started to get it on rewatching. Maybe the LIVE show (and one chance to make an impression) should have been held up so the judges could watch it again and again to get the nuances before marking Btw I ain’t mad that he won. ( I also laughed when you were accused on DS of being a bitter loser/Jay hatah)

    Kellie’s tens I can kinda accept. The judges have always done it haven’t they? – it is the bone they throw when they know a decent dancer/ their fave hasn’t got the public vote. That is why so many winners don’t have a 40. Their scores are meaningless to the outcome, apart from maybe galvanising votes for the other finalists. And like her/Kev or not she did do the best on the night. She deserved to be top of the leaderboard

    I liked Georgia’s showdance but …

    That woman in the audience wasn’t looking at her watch -she was doing what all sensible people do when Toss is talking and having 40 winks. No more jokes Toss, no more bloody gurning and no more bloody talking for US having enjoyed it

    I need to go watch Anton’s show dance again – I thought he stumbled a bit when he caught Katie … Eek … But he recovered well. But as with Jay wtf was it about? That lonely stomp up the stairs, turn and fall … Why? And why then? Better at the beginning surely? He doesn’t even shine out in the ballroom now does he? Pivots aside.

    Lol at Darcey’s comment being in the recap for once and Bruno being glossed over

    Iveta making a triumphant return ❀ ❀ ❀ this was wayyyyyyyy better than the actual show. She has almost convinced me that Tahm is haht instead of a raisin eyed bugger that paid Kelly Brook to beard for him and raise his pap profile

    And Ook I kept waiting for a certain Orang Utah to make an appearance -eek.

    And yep the show dance has lost it's way due to props, extra dancers and massive productions being used across the whole series

    Thank you Monkie you went above and beyond forcing yourself to watch again, and again etc

    Reply
    1. Minxy

      Best pic I have seen of Tahm try Mikey
      I think it is cod I can’t see much of his face or raisin eyes
      (See Gleb that’s how ya do abs)

      Reply
  12. DJ Mikey

    The Monkey’s are wrong, they should have picked.

    Jay – Jive
    Georgia – Samba
    Kellie – American Smooth (or even that twee Waltz)
    Katie – Tango

    Reply
  13. BeyonceCastle

    They got 2/4 Mikey what do you want, they are monkeys! #justiceforSimiansays

    Thank you Chris for your blog. It cheered me up no end this year.
    And a thank you to you too Mikey and all the other regular commenters, who also make me smile.
    See you next year and wishing you all a twinkly Xmas and glittery New Year XXX

    Reply
    1. Neio

      Oh dear Lord, yes! I love Greg Rutherford. He was great on Time Crashers (and scorchingly hot of course). I suppose the only thing that might get in the way of him doing it is the risk of a Jade Johnson incident, since he’s still competing. He’s tall too, so it would be a chance for Natalie to get someone potentially good.

      Reply
    2. Minxy

      Keep em coming Mikey

      We can have a ginger off between him and Greg.
      Wonder if Monkies head would explode or would he be faithful

      Reply
  14. Isolde

    I met Greg the floor manager a couple of weeks into the series. he was positive that Peter Andre would be in the final, and not Jay.

    Reply
  15. Marcela

    How did you I was pining, PINING, for Iveta and her social medias korner? Too shocked for words, will leave my comments for part 2 of recap.

    Reply
  16. Carl

    I forgot to say that while I always liked Tristan when I watched DWTS, and thought he was cute, he has really looked gorgeous to me this series. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s put on a bit of weight, or because his “over it” attitude throughout the year speaks to me, but…at least I’ll have some good memories if he does get replaced by another interchangeable showboater with plastic abs.

    Reply
    1. ChaChaChavvy

      Tristan is an incredibly good-looking man but Vicky Gill clearly harbours Annie Wilkes-esque obsessive feelings towards him which lead her to dress him in a way that prevents any other woman from wanting him. We had the peaches and cream waltz ensemble that was three sizes too small, the cha cha outfit that made him look like he was off for a shift down at Asda’s, the salsa outfit that was three sizes too big and looked like it was made out of old, felt Brownie uniforms, the Charleston cravat and Hitler hair, the foxtrot nightmare combination of puce suit and fuchsia shirt. I hope, if he comes back, they do Dress-Up Tristan in the same way they did Dress-Up Aljaz this series and Dress-Up Pasha in the past.

      Tristan gives such good value on ITT but he’s had two celebs who were half-arsed about the whole thing in a row. I loved his and Jamelia’s quickstep but she needed the knowledge that it was definitely going to be her swansong to put a rocket under her. I’d love to see him with someone invested in the show to see if he can keep producing that kind of choreography.

      Reply
  17. Neio

    So today Aliona’s been saying she won’t be returning to Strictly (I guess after being the first pro to win twice, it’s not going to get any better than that), and Ola’s clearly not going to be returning, nor probably Kristina for… reasons. Who do we think will replace them? I guess Joanne is pretty inevitable, but dare we hope that Iveta, Katya or even Erin might return?

    Reply
    1. redfred

      I’d put up with Joanne if we got Anya and Iveta back.

      Also, do we think there were originally going to be 8 men this year and one dropped out at the last minute to leave Joanne left out?

      Reply
      1. ChaChaChavvy

        There were only seven male celebs slated for the show this year and Joanne knew months in advance that she wouldn’t be getting one. I actually like the idea of retaining a pro in this way. It seems unfair to drop someone just because their sex is the group getting one less celeb that year.

  18. Gusty Gusset

    This could be your best recap evah! Thank you so much for all the hard work and (most important) bringing back Iveta.

    Reply
  19. Seronie

    Man, that D-Cam pic, amazing. A Northener, an Italian Softy and a woman who I can well imagine likes the cut of Corbyn’s gib. For the record it looks like Katie hates him the most, just.

    You know what would have saved that final? Anita. Simple as. Her and Gleb would have brought even more uncertainty and given us a crowd favourite to match Jay. Would have been a real run off rather than Jay vs two dance off girls.

    And that jive, obvs

    Reply
    1. David

      Agree. Jay would still have won but Anita was the only one who came close to threatening his popularity throughout the comp. Their standing ovations from quickstep week onwards, in particular, were insane.
      Jay vs ‘the girl who would have been booted out by the public weeks ago if she hadn’t (rightly) been at the top of the Leaderboard for the past 2 weeks’ and Jay vs ‘Georgia who?’ was never going to be much of a watch.

      Reply
  20. Rose

    Many thanks for all the Strictly blogs this year, Monkseal. πŸ™‚
    “Based on the guidance being offered tonight I wouldn’t offer them employment as a guide anywhere other than possibly a pencil museum in Rhyl”. πŸ˜€ I agree.
    I thought the non-dancing bits of the show were unpleasant to watch due to the judges’ nasty comments. Craig came across as outright incompetent at his job.
    Jay/Aliona: I loved the whisky paso. πŸ™‚ (They were given whisky to drink just before dancing). How strong must he be to hold his own weight upside down for that long, and then dance a whole routine afterwards?
    Very well deserved winners. Such a shame that the judges/PTB, except for Bruno, failed to recognise this. I’ll miss Aliona. But I can understand why she is leaving.
    Georgia/Giovanni: She was a worthy finalist I thought. I enjoyed their dances.
    Katie/Anton: Mostly enjoyed their dances. Very brave of her to fall backwards from a height.
    Gurny Screecher/Kevin: We could have had Helen/Aljaz or Anita/Gleb instead of this. ;( Or anyone but Peter.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      If the St Jay Army harbouring animosity towards everyone but Bruno means he wins Best Judge Monkie again (just like when him not liking Louis at all cost him in Series 10) then I am all for it.

      Reply
  21. Ella

    Loved this series but you wouldn’t have thought it judging by my face during that Final. Bit miffed that the Holy Jive is now so untouchable even Jay couldn’t top it to give the audience the one dance that he won the entire series on …
    Was very much missing Anita throughout and Gleb, who has been steadily growing on me ever since I found out he gave Anita a huge bouquet of flowers … and some knickers from The Gleb Collection for her birthday. What a man.

    Reply

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