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We start with Tristan showing us his big burly bouncer
it’s less exciting than that might sound. He is here to dictate who gets to enter Club Strictly and who unfortunately has to bugger off down the road to X Factor Lounge, which has sticky floors, only plays ballads and once let Tulisa in until she got thrown ut for the business she was doing in the toilets… Anyway, Club Strictly only lets in the classies of individuals
and Brenda. But he’s been going there for ages and the old management liked him so it’s more than its worth to tell him that maybe a guy pushing 40 shouldn’t turn up in mustard cotton/lycra mix Or a guy pushing any age to be honest.
From here, thanks to the magic of harried researcher running around with walls on wheels, the stage transforms into
Oti’s imagination where she’s remembered by any of the audience beyond “oh that black girl, you remember? Great big boobs on her”
an area where men of a certain inclination can meet
a DJ booth where one annoying customer won’t stop requesting Shakin Stevens (“BUT HE’S AMOYZING!”)
a gynaecologist’s office and finally
the bogs. It’s a big enterprise, and if we’re not going to be doing Propah Showcase Pro Routines this series, then I can at least get behind this as fun and novel in its gimmickry. And you can tell a lot of effort had to go into it, because the take they’ve used for the live show includes
Tristan and Joanne proper slamming into one another. I choose to believe that they couldn’t do another take because they couldn’t trust Tristan and Aljaz to get carried away, and you can’t tell me otherwise.
After one more swoosh of the wall
Tess and Claudia are revealed, perched on those giant lips. I hope they cleaned them up properly after Tristan and Aljaz had finished on them, I’ve been in those bars, I know where fluids get spilled… Tess welcomes us to the show and reminds us that last night we saw 10 spectacular routines that had the judges reaching for the 10 paddles. Mostly to waft away all the dry ice on the floor so they could see what the hell was going on. But sadly, a couple responsible (/culpable) for two of those routines must leave tonight, leaving only four to battle it out in the final. Deciding who gets to compete will be
these four on the ends here. Darcey presumably telling Tess there that two guys are making some noise in the toilets she might want to go and check up on. (YES THIS ENTIRE RECAP *IS* JUST GOING TO BE INNUENDO ABOUT TRISTAN AND ALJAZ BUMMING, IT’S A SEMI FINAL RESULTS SHOW, THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING INTERESTING HAPPENING BETWEEN HERE AND CHUCKING OUT TIME). Also Kylie and Len’s Glans.
But first! Your Week In Greg
He’s really making me work hard for it this week. I think I like it…
Next up your first and only round of these.
But then if you’ve voted here then you’ve already seen them. And if not…well go and do it! It’s the most valuable Monkie of them all! First in danger
Anita and Gleb. You will be surprised to hear that Gleb reacts to this as much as he reacts to anything, with is not much at all. (I’m still amused by the fact that the only Safety Sex-Face he ever really did was for their jive, when they got 9s and were well up the leaderboard) They go over to Tess, who asks Anita if she wants to be in the final. GEE TESS, DO YOU THINK? Anita says that of course she does, but everyone still in is so amazing that she understands if she can’t be. She feels like she’s been struggling to keep up all series, and it’s finally caught up with her. Tess then asks her which dance she’s going to be reprising in the Dance Off.
The foxtrot Tess. They’re doing the foxtrot. Anita explains that they’ve chosen to do the salsa again because it’s energetic and the choreography is “insane”. You can tell as she says this she realises they’ve not thought this through. Tess turns to Darcey and asks her what advice she can give Anita for the dance-off. Give Len a really big cake maybe? Darcey is of course at a loss and talks endlessly round the houses until she just says “go for it”.
Up to Claud 9 now
where the noise Kellie is making this week is “minke whale being harpooned”. Claudia asks Kellie how it feels to be a finalist and she’s all
“IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF THIS GUY HE’S AMAZING, WHAT A TEACHER, WHAT A CHOREOGRAPHER, WHAT A FRIEND!”. Kevin does a very half-hearted “oh no of course not” waft off of it but Kellie is determined. Claudia then tells Kevin that he is the only pro ever to make it to three finals in a row and…yes, because you followed up his previous two in a row by giving him a stage school ringah, not a 7 ft goalkeeper or a gropey little troll or VANESSA FELTZ. Claudia implies this may be magic or because Kevin is from Grimsby. Maybe ask Joanne about that one from her perch doing pointless 5 second links for pro dance rehearsal footage on It Takes Two… Next Claudia asks Jay how it feels to be in the final, and as Jay says that he’s so surprised and he really expected to be in the bottom 2
the camera cuts to Kevin for some reason I wonder why.
Kylie! Dressed as Little Red Riding Hood for some reason and singing “I’m Gonna Be Warm This Winter” in order to promote her new Christmas album “I’ve Run Out Of Ideas”. She’s accompanied by female backing dancers all dressed up like Christmas Trees and Slutty Santas doing
snow angels on the floor. Then all our male pros (minus Anton and Brenda) (no way you were keeping Giovanni away from this one) come out dressed as
I dunno red marker pens and it all gets a bit weird and threatening and bizarre and then
it finishes fairly soon after that. MERRY CHRISTMAS KYLIE! Thank Christ this wasn’t the “duet” with Frank Sinatra, it was bad enough when Barry Manilow turned up and did that grizzly affair with a hologram of Louis Armstrong. I know you all had the therapy to forget that ever happened, but I need to remember these things for the spreadsheets.
Although there are no spreadsheets for what comes next.
That’s right, it’s Len’s Glans. I hope that was glitter. It kind of looks like phlegm. We start with Len himself showing us in detail
Jay not bringing his feet together in his natural turns in his Viennese Waltz, which is such a heinous foot fault that it caused Joanne in Chroegraphy corner tonight to say that she thought the dance was overmarked. OVERMARKED! IN CHOREOGRAPHY CORNER! HOME OF “ANITA’S PASO IS THE BESTEST PASO EVER” CHOREOGRAPHY CORNER! Imagine! Anyway, of course Len tries to mollify the masses by saying that Jay did lovely heel leads so of course at this point in the clip it turns into a lod of toe leads. Because that’s how these things work. Speaking of Chroeography Corner though, Darcey praises Georgia’s Viennese Waltz frame next, and talks about how something called “centrifugal force” plays a large part in that dance. I’m fairly sure Karen Hardy educated us all that it’s “Central Frugal Force” Darcey, back to your textbook STAT!
Craig is next, and Claudia tells him that he’s never given a 10 for a rumba (except at Christmas) and then asks him if he was tempted to give Kellie a 10 for hers. I seem to have liked that rumba more than most people and even I think that’s pushing it. He says that yes he did and come on
this is not a vision that will live forever in Strictly history. Craig does sure to get in a little dig at Jay about how Kellie managed to dance through the “four-one”. Not really Jay’s edition of Len’s Glans here is it? Craig goes on to say that the only thing holding him back from a 10 was the lack of chemistry between her and Kevin and the wobbles. We follow this up with Bruno ranting on about Puccini again. I could honestly listen to Bruno having a fit about Puccini all day. I wish (SPOILERS) he’d followed through and saved Anita in the dance-off, yelling about how Katie had spat in Puccini’s face and stormed off when Len saved Anita instead, never to return. Harry Judd could have been a guest judge for the final, he’s not busy.
We close on a comedy montage of the judges. Let’s not.
Back down to Tess again, and no Safety Sex-Faces here, as Katie and Georgia are left to see which of them is in danger.
And to think he almost made it through an entire series without hitting the Bottom 2. Ah well, it wouldn’t have seemed right would it? They go over to Tess and she coos to Katie that it’s her first dance-off. Well it certainly ain’t Anton’s. And he’s only won one before so…GOOD LUCK! Tess asks Len for his advice (I notice they don’t Katie why isn’t doing her Charleston again…) and he tells her just to relax and trust Anton. Not advice I’d ever adhere to, but there we are.
Back to Claud 9 now where
Georgia has now joined the other two, and Claudia asks her to tell everyone at home who voted for her how she feels. Georgia tells them that she is
hungry and a bit tired. (Not really, thank you, it means so much, she’s so grateful, it’s amazing etc etc). She also yells “GRAZIAS!”. Giovanni being a better dance teacher than he is an Italian teacher.
We segue from here into the pre dance-off interviews via a quick summary montage of the series so far, all culminating in a reminder that our Final Four are all competing just for a chance to
have a quick stroke of this before it goes back in the cupboard and replaced with a dinky replica. You may scoff, but would you pass up the opportunity to caress that magnificent orb? Only a fool would.
Back again to Claud 9 now and
never has there been a better visual representation of Strictly Series 1 vs Strictly Series 13 has there? It’s like they’re staring one another out from either side of a decade of…progression. And I say “at eachother” I mean Anita, Anton and Katie. Ain’t no symbolism getting between Gleb and his camera. Claudia asks Katie what it would mean to be in the final and she says that it would be the icing on the cake of what has been a fabulous experience, and she knows lots of people out there are in particular rooting for Anton to make his first final. She and Anton then do the most terrifying syncro
HA HA MARVELLOUS! I’m so unnerved. Tess turns to Anita next and asks her what it would mean for her, as a novice dancer, to make it to the final. Anita says that she and Gleb have worked so hard, and it would means so much to her to make it.
Oh well. Craig is the one hold-out in a 3-1 decision. Nice of Katie and Anton to get one last Safety Sex-Face in there, but unfortunately for them, that ship has sailed.
Can I just say that of all the ways going out on that salsa was iconic to Anita and Gleb’s Strictly Story, I neglected to mention that it involved him flashing his abs?
Because it did. Anita eulogises him by saying “yes he’s a slavedriver, yes he’s beautiful” but as well as that he has the most creative mind she’s ever known and she’s had the best time with him. Gleb for his part thanks Anita for the last 12 weeks and says that he’s enjoyed every minute and couldn’t have asked for a better partner.
This is the longest I’ve ever seen Gleb continuously looking at another human being ever. Let’s savour the moment.