Things We Learned From Watching The Final Five


Charleine has the usual

attitude of a Welshie towards That London by the looks of it.

Claude thinks that Richard’s key skill is that he really understands the bottom line. I could say something disgusting here, but I won’t.

When Richard heard Joseph described as “Mr Valentino” at the start of the series, he thought “this guy’s only going to last five minutes”. Which was unfair because I’m sure he could go for at least seven if he’d had a pre-wank to calm himself down.

Gary believes that corporate jargon consists of “good words that are there for a reason”. Bless.

Gary also believes that Charleine would sell anything. Bit personal.

Richard lives next to the BT Tower.


really has had SO MANY haircuts over the years.

Joseph’s father came from an Italian peasant village. He walked out on his family when Joseph was about 14.

If you broke Gary in half, you’d see “Tesco” all the way through him like a stick of rock. You’re not supposed to eat the packaging Gaz…

Richard is the highest seller across the entire series.

When she was in kindergarten, Vana wanted to be President Of The USA. I mean, as figures from The Apprentice go she’d be better than Trump right? Yes I mean when she was at kindergarten.

Charleine joined the navy at the age of 16 on a bet.

She stayed there for 11 years.

Joseph’s youth football team had better ideas for team names than most of the candidates on this show.

Vana’s parents are architects. I know right?

Gary left TESCO because he has great faith in the process of The Apprentice. I know right?

Joseph’s former Head Of Year would like us to believe that Joseph “wasn’t unpleasant, just silly”. Given his apparent track recor of repeated detentions and ultimately exclusions and his own admittence that he almost fell into a life of crime and gang violence, I think this might be a slight…rose-tinting.

Richard views all of business as sport, and The Apprentice as a league he has to win. Isthmian League Division One South presumably.

On the Estate Agency task, Charleine had blisters on every toe.

One day Vana nicked all of her sister’s toys, took them to Park Avenue, and started selling them on the street.

Her sister has forgiven her. Mostly. I think.

Richard’s father is an oil tycoon.

The show’s completely forgotten the hatchet job edit it gave Gary on the Discount Store task and would now like you to bask in awe at how well he PM’d it.

It would also like us to believe that the Richard vs Charleine feud only started in Week 5, as opposed to “from the second they met”

For a pusher of WIMMIN IN BIZNISS, Kaen’s very comfortable using terms like “catfights” and “bossy-boots”

Joseph’s life saved by plumbing. I’ve had a few nights out like that as well.

I kind of want to see Charleine’s husband in the boardroom

just to see if the blueness of his eyes actually starts everything strobing.

Richard as a child was

kind of bloody terrifying. Apparently he turned to his dad at the age of 6 and asked if he was already a boss in their oil business. I think in that photo he may well have been trying to pilot that pirvate jet over him.

Richard at University

truly defined Cocky Hot Douche

Gary’s hobbies include cricket and golf.

Charleine’s salon has been declared the best beauty salon in Plymouth for three years in a row. STOP LAUGHING AT THE BACK, I CAN HEAR YOU.

Unlike Lordalan, Richard is

starting to go a little bit bald.

Vana is studying for an MBA at Oxford.

In the Midlands

we know how to space out names for maximum efficiency.

Richard is dyslexic

Vana’s parents taught her that the three most important aspects a person has to embody to operate in business are hard work, moral standards and organisation. And yet here she is.



Joseph thinks Richard is arrogant and doesn’t work well with others.

Vana says that Richard is most bearable on a subteam of one.

Charleine thinks that Richard is always trying to manage everything and doesn’t listen.

JEALOUSY IS A DISEASE. (Also, when I say this episode was “things we learnt”…)

Gary knows that when you push Vana’s trigger, she might explode. Well, there’s your answer to who was shagging…

As a teenager, Joseph’s mum bought him a copy of Lordalan’s book for Christmas. And yet he’s somehow still speaking to her.

Charleine’s former Warrant Officer

could snap any of these candidates in half just like *that*.

Richard believes Gary is “un-not-likable”. Richard apparently has not seen the Internet, we can not like anyone.

Regarding the Estate Agency task, Kaen’s not sure whether it meant more to sell million dollar properties or to earn Richard’s respect. I think I could possibly guess.

Joseph employs this week’s second Incidental Character Boyriend

Chris The Plumber

Richard’s first job after leaving University was selling novelty items on the high street out of his suitcase. This somehow became a website design business. Yeah, me either.

Gary’s segment was seriously half the length of anyone else’s bye Gary enjoy 5th place.

When she was 24, one of Charleine’s children died. This inspired Charleine to become an entrepreneur. She wear a dragonfly necklace at all times to remember him.

Claude thinks that Charleine’s strengths may not lie in pitching.

Vana has set up not one

but two sex-apps for city workers that desperately try not to sound like they’re sex apps! They’re for networking! Contacts! Social events! Classy dating! Nobody’s using them to organise being called Mabel and being shagged in a skip dressed as a badger, what are you talking about? PROFESSIONALS ONLY!

Richard and Charleine are friends now. No really. They definitely are. They can definitely say it without saying pass-agg things like “sometimes she can be a nightmare” or “he’s sweet…a little too sweet. Like SICKLY sweet you know? But sweet.”

Richard is

quite skilled with a hula hoop, tell me more…

Gary’s nickname at home is “RG” which stands for “Our Gary”, which refers to how his mum’s always popping her head in wherever he might be and asking for “Our Gary”.

Gary used to be a lot more photogenic right?

The show would quite like Charleine’s iconic handshake to be a thing.

Not really a thing is it?

Richard’s wife is a terrifying force of nature who doesn’t put up with any of his bullshit and

if she’s not a candidate on next year’s show I will cry bitter salt tears. Her nickname for Richard is “The Tat Man”.

Can’t really top that picture can I? SEE YOU FOR INTERVIEWS!


9 thoughts on “Things We Learned From Watching The Final Five

  1. Bashful82

    Am I to assume that you know that Charleine is the winner of the show? Given how you have ordered the first name in the list for each season?


    I bow before you veritable skills as a Cassandra.

  2. CookieDough

    I’m not sure what I love most about Charleine’s husband – that he’s a Scott, or that he’s a Scott Mills clone.


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