SPOILERS : it turns out a Clone Helen got eliminated, and the real one will be back in the semi-finals after all!
We start with a routine from The Lion King that starts with an excerpt from “The Circle Of Life” (although not the whole thing, what a swizz, that’s the best one) (apart from maybe Be Prepared) (or I Just Can’t Wait To Be King I guess) so everybody get ready to shout
“ARSEEEEEEEEEENE WENGGGGGGGGER!” to start, followed by a parade of
in no way phallic animal puppets. Of course these things can’t last forever, or even long enough for me to channel my inner Zoanette Johnson, the leads from the West End production come out and sing “Can You Feel The Love Tonight?” (YAWN!) whilst the pros
look the most superfluous I think they’ve ever been in a pro routine. Seriously, they are leaves. Leaves on a green background. It’s not even until the very end that I notice that
hang on, half these guys are backing dancers. Has there been a coup? A coup led by Anya? Because I would like that. Here is a list of the pros I would like removed… (ok not really, although I’m sure you can guess)
Stuck behind a giant bush. Do you ever think that guy feels a bit…”Chief Kit Kat Girl”? When he told his mum that he was going to be in a sell-out West End musical do you think he told her what the part was? Once his leaves have been trimmed back and the ladies have emerged I wonder
when they started doing Bondage At C & A. Tess reminds that it is still, technically, Musicals Week, and that last night our six quarter-finalists high-kicked their way through the works of Disney, Kander & Ebb, Lionel Bart, Hansard & Irglova, and the inside of Helen George’s 15 year old brain. Charged with the responibility of decidding who goes home will be these four.
A responsibility they will greet by pipping “DON’T BLAME ME, I DIDN’T DO IT!” like a 7 year old caught with a open refrigerator door and Phish Food Haagen Dazs all over the floor. Also Len’s Glans and Josh Groban. I’m really starting to miss when Claudia used to interview the mums aren’t you?
Your Week In Greg. Damned wedding ring.
And now time for the first installments in the ever dwindling pool of Safety Sex-Faces.
It’s true what they say – sneezing and orgasming really are very closely related. The safety of Kellie & Kevin there meaning we’re getting not one, but two debutantes in our bottom 2 (this making a change from last year when I think Simon and Mark had been in it about 7 times each by this point), the first of whom is
the maybe more predictable one. Poor Helen. At least they didnt spend the entire episode tormenting her with it. From her perspective that is, I for one would have loved watching it (sorry Helen, but you are entertaining). They bounce over to Tess, who does her usual sterling job rubbing things in by telling Helen that she was top of the leaerboard last week but this week finds herself in the dance-off. She then asks Helen how she’s feeling, and she says that she’s nervous (“nuv-us”) but also really proud of Aljaz for having choreographed such a great routine. Tess asks Craig if fixing the balance issues in her routine will help her survive and he says that it will. Also isn’t this a terrible awful shock, she’s an amazing dancer yadda yadda.
Up to Claud 9 now where
the differences in levels of costuming couldn’t be more different. It’s like somebody pranked Kellie & Kevin that this was a fancy dress party. She tells Claudia that she really wasn’t expecting to be safe, because she’s the only celeb here to have been in a dance-off before. Yes, God bless Jamelia for hoovering all of those spare apppearances up, so selfless. Claudia asks her how it feels to be in the semi-finals and she
utters a screech so unearthly that I wonder if I’ve not been teleported through time back to Hallowe’en Week. Oh well, at least I’ll be adequately prepared for Pasha’s nuts and bolt this time (*reaches for lub[PUNCHLINE REDACTED]*) Claudia then ponders aloud to Kevin Clifton how he’s going to rehearse two dances next week with “this girl’s schedule”. Why are they working to Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s schedule, I’m confused…
Claudia then turns to Harry Judd and he reveals he’s got Charleston and Viennese Waltz in the semi-finals. OH CHRIST, THE TIME MACHINE’S TAKEN ME BACK TOO FAR, PLEASE SOMEONE STOP IT BEFORE WE GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO COLIN JACKSON’S SHOWDANCE!
Next up, Josh Groban
needs a shave. Maybe a haircut too, whilst we’re at it. He’s here to sing “Over The Rainbow”. Fun Josh Groban Face : for a long time I thought he was the son of Barbra Streisand and James Brolin before I realised that absolutely none of that made any sense. I really don’t like his voice at all, but seems like a nice enough chap. At some point
Anton & Joanne come out and do a foxtrot (/”slow fox”) in the name of the purity of ballroom dancing, just to remind us that that’s still a thing on this show. I think my favourite part is when they go to do a big crowdpleasing lift and the camera immediately cuts to
this. I don’t know if he was supposed to lob Joanne in there and she wussed out at the last minute or what, but either way GREAT CAMERAWORK GUYS *thumbs up*
PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE EVIL MOIRA ROSS BEHIND THE CURTAIN!
Next up, it’s time for Len’s Glans, which Claudia introduces by welcoming in the show’s “Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Cowardly Lion”.
I have literally no idea which one’s supposed to be which. How am I supposed to decide which one’s lacking a brain it’s too harrrrrrrrrrd. As usual, they’re here to expand on what they said on Saturday and/or to just perve on a young man’s feet. But CAN THEY DO IT ALONE? Well yes, yes they could, very easily but here’s a dumb intro shot anyway.
Love Never Dies, But Sometimes It Needs A New Hip.
We start with a quick slow-mo montage of “the lively panel” of last night.
Truly it was a mad house. Remember when Bruno and Alesha used to be sat next to one another and every week he would dry-hump her pretty much until the point of spunking before falling off his chair? Those were the days. We start off properly with a view of Jay and Aliona’s perfect footwork during the rumba. It’s just the lower halves, so it’s the kind of angle on the dance you might expect to see whilst watching a dance from under a table.
Let’s call it “Katie Derham’s Glans”. Darcey’s next up to bat, and as if it wasn’t bad enough that they’re about to send Helen home on a dance done to her favourite musical, they’re going to send her home with her ballet icon Darcey ripping apart her paso technique and showing how to do it better
Craig follows this up with a montage of gorgeous lady celebrity hands. I’m not showing you all of them, you’ll just have to make do with
Katie’s. He waxes rhapsodic about how wonderful it is just to see a beautiful hand perched deliciously right on the end of someone’s…shoulder. (Apparently that had to edit out a use of the word “orgasmic” from Bruno here. LOL Bruno). The show ends Len’s Glans with Kevin and Kellie absolutely bellowing Oom Pah Pah like Brian Blessed stepped on some LEGO.
Personally I’d rather not.
Back to our last Safety Sex-Face of the night.
Only two more to go, what a series it’s been. This just leaves Katie and Georgia wondering which of them gets to be the one to crush Helen’s dreams, and the honour gets handed to
Team GG. Anton’s face at this point is a picture.
“It’s actually bloody working. I’m going to have to chroeograph a showdance at this rate…now where did Erin leave those dummies?”. Georgia and Giovanni wander over to Tess, who yanks Georgia’s arm towards her fanny as Georgia’s face reads pure
“NO! I DON’T KNOW YOU! I’M GOING TO YELL FOR MY MUMMY! STRANGER! STRANGER!”. Fortunately her actual mouth is still on Georgia Interview Mode so we get a “the standard is unbelievable”, an “everyone’s just amazing”, and “I’ve had an amazing time” and an “I’ll do my best, that’s all I can do”. I swear, there are issues of Spiderman with fewer uses of the word “amazing” than Georgia’s interviews. Bruno is asked his opinion, and he says he’s in shock because Georgia is an all-rounder and beautiful. Not like fug-face Rani over there. PEE-YEW! Paper bag it, mate. He thinks she could possibly hunch her shoulder less in her extensions, but really that is a tiny flaw in a diamond… Anyway, let’s hurry off up to Claud 9 before things get
Here we are!
Anita and Katie are fuming that they’ve come in the same top. A nation is relieved that Gleb and Anton didn’t. Claudia turns to Katie and asks her if it’s true that she told her husband and daughters before she signed up for Strictly that she’d see them in three weeks time. Is that how long one of her benders normally lasts? Katie says that yes, she really did. She thought it would just be “an autumnal prance”. Meanwhile in Anton’s head
“Maybe This Time” has now been turned up to 11. She says that she thought she might just about make it to the end of September, and now here she is in December. EVERYONE made it out of September Katie. Even Iwan, and he barely even made it INTO September. She does then fret as to what this might mean for her Christmas shopping. Between this and “autumnal prance” I think this was the most Katie Derham segment on this show ever. Claudia next reminds Anton that he’s never had a 10 before, but next week he’s got two chances with the Charleston and the waltz. I have to say I think the chances of him getting a 10 for one of those genres is…marginally higher than it is for the other. After all that, Anita doesn’t get much time for an interview, and is just asked to thank the people at home who voted for her.
Meanwhile I am sat here at my laptop monitor clicking my fingers 2 inches from it going “GLEB! GLEB! GLEB! GLEB!” and nothing’s happening.
After a brief It Takes Two interlude we’re back
and it’s been a bad week for capes and shrugs hasn’t it? Claudia turns to Georgia and she says things have been amazing, again, some more and then tells us all that it’s been a privelege to dress up as Princess Belle and dance to Beauty & The Beast because truly that is every girl’s dream. Just like cupcakes and Peter Andre. Tess next asks Helen what it would mean to her to get to the semi final, and Helen says her major concern is just not letting Aljaz down, because he’s brilliant. She’s happy though that if she leaves it would mean that her friend Georgia, who would be a very worthy winner, gets to stay.
Well, you’d better hope she’s a very worth 2nd/3rd place are they ever going to tell us are they buggery. Because that’s really the best anyone can hope for in this Year Of The Jay. Two points :
a) If you thought Helen went mental in that paso the first time, boy howy you should watch it again
b) With Helen and Georgia before him, Craig makes a big deal of how they should blame the public for putting them there, not the judges
Anyway, Helen gives a very nice speech about how she’s now friends with Aljaz and the remaining contestants for life, and then Aljaz talks about what a great pupil she is and all this would be far more moving if
JESUS CHRIST DALY YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE TOUCHING EVERYBODY ALL THE TIME, YOU PERVY BLOODY UNCLE.
Anyway, bye Helen
You glorious lunatic. Do somthing extra crazy in the end of series group dance for me.