The Oxford English Dictionry defines “karma” as…
Following the cancellation of Around The World Week in favour of Movie Week 2.0, it’s become appparent that there is a chasm that needs to be filled. Filled with stereotyping. So welcome to this week’s opening Pro Routine, to “I’m A Woman (W.O.M.A.N)” set in a launderette
artful cleave-displaying floor scrubbing
mock make-up application
pouty heavy petting,
ridiculous butt work and legs legs legs. I’ll apologise to the choreographer if I’m wrong, but I have never seen a routine about female empowerment so transparently composed by a homosexual male. I feel like someone was stood on the sidelines yelling “FIERCE FIERCE FIERCE FIERCE!” the whole time and demanding higher heels. Everyone flits around in pastels with suds everywhere pawing at men and waving washing baskets about SEXUALLY, if such a thing can be done (certainly it is attempted) until at the end
Kevin runs out in his pants wth a washing up packet covering his Grimsby Auditorium. I’m hoping Joanne’s finger placement isn’t…indicative. (Oh the extra woman there is Charlotte Gooch, who had to step in for Ola “at the last minute” after she was “otherwise indisposed”. Speculate away, speculate away) (BYE OLA!) (AGAIN!) (PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE QUIT AT THE END OF THE LAST SERIES EH, WOULD HAVE BEEN A BIT MORE DIGNIFIED THAN THIS MESS HAS BEEN!)
Speaking of messes,
even though it’s pants, what’s on top of Claudia’s head somehow looks more dignified than what’s on top of Tess’. She looks like Barry Gibb. She and Claudia welcome us and remind us that last night all seven couples danced for our pleasure, and also did the Quickstepathon. Our votes and the judges scores have combined and the result is that Peter Andre is eliminated, oooh isn’t that convenient, now let’s all forget those stories about rigging, obviously they weren’t true HA HA MARVELLOUS. Making this “decision” will be our judgery, with Craig and Darcey almost giving new meaning to
“arse over tit” on the way out. Oh and we’ll also have music from Adam Lambert and Il Divot, Natalie Lowe will eat Gleb Savchenko alive in front of us all, and we’ll be perusing Len’s Glans for signs of wear and tear. In the dances.
But first! Your Week In
GREG! Just about. It was a bit like Where’s Wally? this week it has to be said.
Next up, only Georgia and Anita are left bowling a perfect game Safety Sex-Face wise and given the final leaderboard last night, it’s fairly obvious who’s going to be left til the end so
congratulations Georgia, on your most orgasmic run. And swiftly, our first couple in danger are
Jesus, it’s a good job the Quickstepathon isn’t a person otherwise you can tell Kevin would have it buried under 6 feet of cement by midnight. They stalk over to Tess whose styling tonight tonight honestly resembles nothing more than
one of the Sea Devils from Dr Who, tells Kellie that she knows this is her second dance-off and also that she really wants to make the quarter-finals. Kellie says that she’s fine with this, because everyone’s so strong and her leaderboard position changed SO DRAMATICALLY because of the Quickstepathon that she’d prepared herself for it. Not that she’s bitter or anything. Tess asks Len for his advice on how to make her lifts less wobbly, as that was the point he criticised on Saturday Night, and he says that he did indeed think one of the lifts was “wobbly fobbly” but that Kellie should just come out and do her salsa exactly the same as she’s against Peter so it does…I mean, because it was such an amazing dance.
Up to Claud 9 now where
oh lawd it’s Little Miss Amazing and the Nervous Wreck, I bet she’s really looking forward to this round of interviews. The only way it could be better is if Jay was there to squeak “sorry miss” whilst trying to cover up an unwanted boner. Claudia goes immeiately to her safest fallback – “your ikkle face” with Georgia, who manages to get out an “I’m working so hard”, an “I just want to make everybody proud” and, yes, an “it’s amazing” before dissolving into tears.
At such a display, Claudia immediately leaps to speak to Giovanni instead, congratulating him on doing so well in his first year on Strictly (doesn’t every new male pro win these days? Top 6 is NOTHING) and discusses with him how he and Georgia are going to be dancing a foxtrot to Beauty & The Beast for Movie Week 2.0. If half of Carpet Warehouse is not sellotaped this man’s face next week I’m going to be most disappointed. You KNOW they would have done it to Pasha. Claudia next turns to Helen and congratulates her on her three 10s. Aljaz
seems more excited than she does to be honest. Possibly also in his pants. Claudia asks Helen if she’s excited to get back into the training room and rehearse, and she says that she is. So long as those reindeer ghosts haven’t locked the doors again. They’re so naughty.
Next up Adam Lambert with
lights literally shining out of his arse. Although those of us who saw his edit on American Idol 8 will be familiar with this sight. Also the noise that Helen makes as he’s being introduced honestly does like a little baby goat bless her. Maybe she’s a fan. He’s performing, yes, you guessed it, his new single, although it has already charted at Number 35 in the Netherlands so we’re a little behind the curve. Accompanying him to a tune that sounds a bit like an off-cut from a RuPaul album are
Kevin and Karen rolling around on the floor in bare feet. I have no idea when this was filmed but whenever it was it appears that Kevin had his hair grown long, which just makes me pine for Goth Kevin more than ever before.
Who even knows at this point?
Next up, it’s time to dissect and expand (Claudia’s words, not mine) the week’s dances with Len’s Glans.
Give that back to The Man In The Hat forthwith Len. I don’t care that he lives under the stairs now, like the Harry Potter of the Wunnerful Orchestra, he still deserves respect. Obviously first up on the slate is the Quickstepathon, as there are decision to justify before the St Jay Army set the studio on fire. Firstly, Len would like us all to watch Georgia getting her contra check milked.
It’s less…titilating than that might sound. Personally I’m enjoying watching Anton giving the new boy a good wooshing as he goes past, but that’s just me. Next up, Len would like to explain why Peter came last. Yeah, no, I think I’m good for that one by myself Len. Anyway it’s because
his footwork was floppy and his elbow dropped, as you can see here. As all the judges watch him intently. Except Bruno who’s spotted a loose Smartie under the judges table.
Moving away from the Rigathon, Darcey wants to tell us why Helen was near perfection. She says it was because of the technique and the atmosphere and all the effort that went in and Helen’s perfectionism but I think we all know that it was because of the
ham. Next, having neatly dodged the subject on the Live Show, Claudia forces Craig, practically at knifepoint, to wax lyrical about Jay’s acting faces.
LOOK CRAIG! LOOK! WE’VE ZOOMED RIGHT IN! NOW SAY HOW GOOD THAT IS! SAY IT! SAY ITTTTTTTTTT! Craig under duress, says that yes Jay has come out of his shell now and he’s a great actor now as well as a great dancer yadda yadda yadda all whilst Jay
looks a bit like an angry thumb. It really does look like you could just lift that hair right off doesn’t it? Next Bruno and Craig argue over Anita’s rumba and whether it was smooth or crunchy and that just makes me want a Peanut Butter Kit Kat so excuse me if I go and have one of those rather than indulge all this frimmery about a dance I never want to watch ever again. We finally close on what Claudia calls a
“fist pump”. Oh Claudia. Not really.
Back to the Safety Sex-Faces now, and only two more to go.
Leaving us with Anita off her Perfect Game and
Peter staring irrelevance in the face. You know, more so. They go over to Tess, and obviously Peter Andre’s Leaving Speech is a mighty long thing that needs time to unfurl fully, Peter starts the “Thank You Janette” part of it here
clutching her hand to his face and telling her how patient and wonderful and lovely and hard-working she is. He closes by calling her a “little peanut”. And we could all make the obvious joke here, so let’s not. Tess asks Bruno what advice he can give Peter about making his dance smoother for the Dance-Off, and Bruno tells him not to get excited and go all boxy
like this. Oi, Bruno, the Sex-Faces have finished for the week, calm down. Rest assured that if there was a judges category you’d win. We on’t need the poll. Just make your own Monkie at home out of two egg cartons and some sticky back plastic.
Up to Claud 9 again where
Anton is looking guilty and Katie’s cackling about something. You’d better not have been slagging Andre off again Anton, you barely got away with it the first time. First Claudia congratulates Anita on having got to the Quarter Finals of Strictly despite having no dance training. You know, like Widdy did. Such an achievement. Anita says she can’t believe it, then Gleb chimes in saying he can’t believe it either. So supportive that one. Although maybe that sort of banter is another thing Anton taught him… (honestly the idea that GLEB might be the one Anton is passing his baton to (not like that) gives me so much excitement I can’t tell you). Katie is next, and asked if she’s nervous about having the “notoriously difficult” foxtrot. Katie says “no” and
gestures at Anton like that alone is the answer. We all saw you quickstep ove, it’s not a fait acompli yet. Finally Claudia picks Jay out as “one of our couples who have never been in the dance-off” and asks him to say thank you to the public. Isn’t that pretty much all of them Claudia? We’re about to lose one of the only two to have been there after all. Anyway, Jay and Aliona both “touch wood” (not like that, again, on their skulls, dirty) and then Jay thanks all the “fans of my band” who stuck with him (and not Nathan Sykes, based on his chart positions) and also “anyone who’s met me through Strictly”. Oh God don’t go encouraging them to act like they’ve actually MET you Jay, they’re bad enough as it is. Anton at this point turns to Katie and tells her that he wishes she had a band. CAN YOU IMAGINE? She would have made Iggy Pop look like the model of onstage sobriety.
Next up, as we found out last week, we are now at the stage where we’ve removed so much of the “the next person to be saved is…” nonsense that we can fit in an entire extra musical performance, so here are
Il Divot singing Sway in what might be Italian, might be Spanish, might just be some funny Il Divot language they’ve made up to please Simon Cowell. Obviously they’re not what’s important here though, not even
Jackie Stallone Divot, what is important is
Natalie utterly and completely destroying Gleb on the dance-floor. Honestly, it’s a complete and utter demolition derby. I think they were picking chunks of him out of the ceiling for hours after the show finished taping. It’s the closest I’ve ever seen the show come to one of my “Who Would Win In A Fight?” polls and the answer is
“Natalie”. Who even knows what the dance was, it appeared to be some sort of chacha/Argentine Tango fusion. Whatever it was…all hail Natalie. Again.
Following that up, somehow, is a trailer for Movie Week 2.0 (aka “Musicals Week”)
Yes the pair of them are doing this bit in hyperactive squeaky American theatre teen voices. Yes that does make me even happier about this week’s Bottom 2 results. It all closes with Gleb and Janette tut-tutting at just how excited all these English showbiz types are getting over a bunch of Musicals. You can tell Gleb’s just miffed because Evil Moira Ross put the kibosh on him doing a routine based around the ending of Hair. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN GLEBTACULAR!
Back to Claud 9 yet again with our Couples In Danger.
You can tell that Kevin’s still fuming over the “athon” can’t you? Claudia asks Kellie if she’s just going to go out there and do exactly the same thing again, and Kellie says that she is, because it’s Week 10, and if this is the end, then so be it. Really? You’re not going to at least ask that they remove the stupid “ZOMG KELS I B SO SORRY *emoji emoji emoji emoji*” bit? Because I would. Claudia asks Kevin what his advice for Kellie is, and it is “have fun”. Well that’s helpful. Tess then asks Peter how much he wants to get to Musicals Week and he launches off saying
that he doesn’t want it more than anyone else Tess, because they’ve all worked so hard and what Kellie says is so true, so so true, it’s such an experience just to get to this point, and there’s no shame in going out here.
Good job really. Heaven forbid that Peter Andre ever feel shame, I think the entire universe would implode. In his goodbye speech, Peter says that it’s been a pure joy and he loves everyone. In response, from the balcony, Jay makes the universally recognised sign for “love you”
That or “giant gaping arsehole”. One or the other. Janette for her part says that she’s now made a friend for life. Especially as she now doesn’t have to put up with him singing at her wedding.