Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Week 10 Results

The Oxford English Dictionry defines “karma” as…

Following the cancellation of Around The World Week in favour of Movie Week 2.0, it’s become appparent that there is a chasm that needs to be filled. Filled with stereotyping. So welcome to this week’s opening Pro Routine, to “I’m A Woman (W.O.M.A.N)” set in a launderette

complete with

artful cleave-displaying floor scrubbing

mock make-up application

pouty heavy petting,

ridiculous butt work and legs legs legs. I’ll apologise to the choreographer if I’m wrong, but I have never seen a routine about female empowerment so transparently composed by a homosexual male. I feel like someone was stood on the sidelines yelling “FIERCE FIERCE FIERCE FIERCE!” the whole time and demanding higher heels. Everyone flits around in pastels with suds everywhere pawing at men and waving washing baskets about SEXUALLY, if such a thing can be done (certainly it is attempted) until at the end

Kevin runs out in his pants wth a washing up packet covering his Grimsby Auditorium. I’m hoping Joanne’s finger placement isn’t…indicative. (Oh the extra woman there is Charlotte Gooch, who had to step in for Ola “at the last minute” after she was “otherwise indisposed”. Speculate away, speculate away) (BYE OLA!) (AGAIN!) (PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE QUIT AT THE END OF THE LAST SERIES EH, WOULD HAVE BEEN A BIT MORE DIGNIFIED THAN THIS MESS HAS BEEN!)

Speaking of messes,

even though it’s pants, what’s on top of Claudia’s head somehow looks more dignified than what’s on top of Tess’. She looks like Barry Gibb. She and Claudia welcome us and remind us that last night all seven couples danced for our pleasure, and also did the Quickstepathon. Our votes and the judges scores have combined and the result is that Peter Andre is eliminated, oooh isn’t that convenient, now let’s all forget those stories about rigging, obviously they weren’t true HA HA MARVELLOUS. Making this “decision” will be our judgery, with Craig and Darcey almost giving new meaning to

“arse over tit” on the way out. Oh and we’ll also have music from Adam Lambert and Il Divot, Natalie Lowe will eat Gleb Savchenko alive in front of us all, and we’ll be perusing Len’s Glans for signs of wear and tear. In the dances.

But first! Your Week In

GREG! Just about. It was a bit like Where’s Wally? this week it has to be said.

Next up, only Georgia and Anita are left bowling a perfect game Safety Sex-Face wise and given the final leaderboard last night, it’s fairly obvious who’s going to be left til the end so


congratulations Georgia, on your most orgasmic run. And swiftly, our first couple in danger are

Jesus, it’s a good job the Quickstepathon isn’t a person otherwise you can tell Kevin would have it buried under 6 feet of cement by midnight. They stalk over to Tess whose styling tonight tonight honestly resembles nothing more than

one of the Sea Devils from Dr Who, tells Kellie that she knows this is her second dance-off and also that she really wants to make the quarter-finals. Kellie says that she’s fine with this, because everyone’s so strong and her leaderboard position changed SO DRAMATICALLY because of the Quickstepathon that she’d prepared herself for it. Not that she’s bitter or anything. Tess asks Len for his advice on how to make her lifts less wobbly, as that was the point he criticised on Saturday Night, and he says that he did indeed think one of the lifts was “wobbly fobbly” but that Kellie should just come out and do her salsa exactly the same as she’s against Peter so it does…I mean, because it was such an amazing dance.

Up to Claud 9 now where

oh lawd it’s Little Miss Amazing and the Nervous Wreck, I bet she’s really looking forward to this round of interviews. The only way it could be better is if Jay was there to squeak “sorry miss” whilst trying to cover up an unwanted boner. Claudia goes immeiately to her safest fallback – “your ikkle face” with Georgia, who manages to get out an “I’m working so hard”, an “I just want to make everybody proud” and, yes, an “it’s amazing” before dissolving into tears.

At such a display, Claudia immediately leaps to speak to Giovanni instead, congratulating him on doing so well in his first year on Strictly (doesn’t every new male pro win these days? Top 6 is NOTHING) and discusses with him how he and Georgia are going to be dancing a foxtrot to Beauty & The Beast for Movie Week 2.0. If half of Carpet Warehouse is not sellotaped this man’s face next week I’m going to be most disappointed. You KNOW they would have done it to Pasha. Claudia next turns to Helen and congratulates her on her three 10s. Aljaz

seems more excited than she does to be honest. Possibly also in his pants. Claudia asks Helen if she’s excited to get back into the training room and rehearse, and she says that she is. So long as those reindeer ghosts haven’t locked the doors again. They’re so naughty.

Next up Adam Lambert with

lights literally shining out of his arse. Although those of us who saw his edit on American Idol 8 will be familiar with this sight. Also the noise that Helen makes as he’s being introduced honestly does like a little baby goat bless her. Maybe she’s a fan. He’s performing, yes, you guessed it, his new single, although it has already charted at Number 35 in the Netherlands so we’re a little behind the curve. Accompanying him to a tune that sounds a bit like an off-cut from a RuPaul album are

Kevin and Karen rolling around on the floor in bare feet. I have no idea when this was filmed but whenever it was it appears that Kevin had his hair grown long, which just makes me pine for Goth Kevin more than ever before.

Who even knows at this point?

Next up, it’s time to dissect and expand (Claudia’s words, not mine) the week’s dances with Len’s Glans.

Give that back to The Man In The Hat forthwith Len. I don’t care that he lives under the stairs now, like the Harry Potter of the Wunnerful Orchestra, he still deserves respect. Obviously first up on the slate is the Quickstepathon, as there are decision to justify before the St Jay Army set the studio on fire. Firstly, Len would like us all to watch Georgia getting her contra check milked.

It’s less…titilating than that might sound. Personally I’m enjoying watching Anton giving the new boy a good wooshing as he goes past, but that’s just me. Next up, Len would like to explain why Peter came last. Yeah, no, I think I’m good for that one by myself Len. Anyway it’s because

his footwork was floppy and his elbow dropped, as you can see here. As all the judges watch him intently. Except Bruno who’s spotted a loose Smartie under the judges table.

Moving away from the Rigathon, Darcey wants to tell us why Helen was near perfection. She says it was because of the technique and the atmosphere and all the effort that went in and Helen’s perfectionism but I think we all know that it was because of the

ham. Next, having neatly dodged the subject on the Live Show, Claudia forces Craig, practically at knifepoint, to wax lyrical about Jay’s acting faces.

LOOK CRAIG! LOOK! WE’VE ZOOMED RIGHT IN! NOW SAY HOW GOOD THAT IS! SAY IT! SAY ITTTTTTTTTT! Craig under duress, says that yes Jay has come out of his shell now and he’s a great actor now as well as a great dancer yadda yadda yadda all whilst Jay

looks a bit like an angry thumb. It really does look like you could just lift that hair right off doesn’t it? Next Bruno and Craig argue over Anita’s rumba and whether it was smooth or crunchy and that just makes me want a Peanut Butter Kit Kat so excuse me if I go and have one of those rather than indulge all this frimmery about a dance I never want to watch ever again. We finally close on what Claudia calls a

“fist pump”. Oh Claudia. Not really.

Back to the Safety Sex-Faces now, and only two more to go.


Leaving us with Anita off her Perfect Game and

Peter staring irrelevance in the face. You know, more so. They go over to Tess, and obviously Peter Andre’s Leaving Speech is a mighty long thing that needs time to unfurl fully, Peter starts the “Thank You Janette” part of it here

clutching her hand to his face and telling her how patient and wonderful and lovely and hard-working she is. He closes by calling her a “little peanut”. And we could all make the obvious joke here, so let’s not. Tess asks Bruno what advice he can give Peter about making his dance smoother for the Dance-Off, and Bruno tells him not to get excited and go all boxy

like this. Oi, Bruno, the Sex-Faces have finished for the week, calm down. Rest assured that if there was a judges category you’d win. We on’t need the poll. Just make your own Monkie at home out of two egg cartons and some sticky back plastic.

Up to Claud 9 again where

Anton is looking guilty and Katie’s cackling about something. You’d better not have been slagging Andre off again Anton, you barely got away with it the first time. First Claudia congratulates Anita on having got to the Quarter Finals of Strictly despite having no dance training. You know, like Widdy did. Such an achievement. Anita says she can’t believe it, then Gleb chimes in saying he can’t believe it either. So supportive that one. Although maybe that sort of banter is another thing Anton taught him… (honestly the idea that GLEB might be the one Anton is passing his baton to (not like that) gives me so much excitement I can’t tell you). Katie is next, and asked if she’s nervous about having the “notoriously difficult” foxtrot. Katie says “no” and

gestures at Anton like that alone is the answer. We all saw you quickstep ove, it’s not a fait acompli yet. Finally Claudia picks Jay out as “one of our couples who have never been in the dance-off” and asks him to say thank you to the public. Isn’t that pretty much all of them Claudia? We’re about to lose one of the only two to have been there after all. Anyway, Jay and Aliona both “touch wood” (not like that, again, on their skulls, dirty) and then Jay thanks all the “fans of my band” who stuck with him (and not Nathan Sykes, based on his chart positions) and also “anyone who’s met me through Strictly”. Oh God don’t go encouraging them to act like they’ve actually MET you Jay, they’re bad enough as it is. Anton at this point turns to Katie and tells her that he wishes she had a band. CAN YOU IMAGINE? She would have made Iggy Pop look like the model of onstage sobriety.

Next up, as we found out last week, we are now at the stage where we’ve removed so much of the “the next person to be saved is…” nonsense that we can fit in an entire extra musical performance, so here are

Il Divot singing Sway in what might be Italian, might be Spanish, might just be some funny Il Divot language they’ve made up to please Simon Cowell. Obviously they’re not what’s important here though, not even

Jackie Stallone Divot, what is important is



Natalie utterly and completely destroying Gleb on the dance-floor. Honestly, it’s a complete and utter demolition derby. I think they were picking chunks of him out of the ceiling for hours after the show finished taping. It’s the closest I’ve ever seen the show come to one of my “Who Would Win In A Fight?” polls and the answer is

“Natalie”. Who even knows what the dance was, it appeared to be some sort of chacha/Argentine Tango fusion. Whatever it was…all hail Natalie. Again.

Following that up, somehow, is a trailer for Movie Week 2.0 (aka “Musicals Week”)

Yes the pair of them are doing this bit in hyperactive squeaky American theatre teen voices. Yes that does make me even happier about this week’s Bottom 2 results. It all closes with Gleb and Janette tut-tutting at just how excited all these English showbiz types are getting over a bunch of Musicals. You can tell Gleb’s just miffed because Evil Moira Ross put the kibosh on him doing a routine based around the ending of Hair. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN GLEBTACULAR!

Back to Claud 9 yet again with our Couples In Danger.

You can tell that Kevin’s still fuming over the “athon” can’t you? Claudia asks Kellie if she’s just going to go out there and do exactly the same thing again, and Kellie says that she is, because it’s Week 10, and if this is the end, then so be it. Really? You’re not going to at least ask that they remove the stupid “ZOMG KELS I B SO SORRY *emoji emoji emoji emoji*” bit? Because I would. Claudia asks Kevin what his advice for Kellie is, and it is “have fun”. Well that’s helpful. Tess then asks Peter how much he wants to get to Musicals Week and he launches off saying

that he doesn’t want it more than anyone else Tess, because they’ve all worked so hard and what Kellie says is so true, so so true, it’s such an experience just to get to this point, and there’s no shame in going out here.

Good job really. Heaven forbid that Peter Andre ever feel shame, I think the entire universe would implode. In his goodbye speech, Peter says that it’s been a pure joy and he loves everyone. In response, from the balcony, Jay makes the universally recognised sign for “love you”

That or “giant gaping arsehole”. One or the other. Janette for her part says that she’s now made a friend for life. Especially as she now doesn’t have to put up with him singing at her wedding.

BYE PETER!

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37 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Week 10 Results

  1. Minxy

    Lol you really did your research with the Auditoreum πŸ™‚ (it made me chuckle slightly more than is sane – so many actually good memories try John Mayall)
    Angry Kev is quite cute, he was really holding down that foot stomp lol

    I wish Katie would go back to angry, drunk, bitch face. Her 1940’s gracious Lady of the Manor smirky grin is grating on me. It has even infected her adoring puppy dog when looking at Anton face.

    I bet Janette celebrated long into the night. She deserved to anyway

    And no Dr Mrs Em to be seen ….

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      It’s almost as though she knew. I bet as soon as that A.Smooth was over she stood up and walked off with her retinue like a losing football team’s fans leaving at halftime.

      Reply
  2. dancing cake

    Jay looking like an angry thumb …that on its own would have been enough for me. Thank you Monkseal, for cheering me up on a very bleak day.
    Glad our week in Greg made an appearance – was wondering where he was in the main show recap. Well spotted though – I wouldn’t have seen him lurking in the background but I was probably still reeling from that Godawful sexist stuff at the beginning. At least Claudia got her response in sartorially.

    Reply
  3. Beyonce Castle

    β€œwaving washing baskets about SEXUALLY, if such a thing can be done…β€œ
    Poland Eurovision. 2014. πŸ˜‰

    Reply
    1. Gerry

      I was expecting them to go all Doctor Who with sink plungers and egg whisks and exterminate the judges for not covering up well enough. Think Davros in a rainbow wig…

      Reply
  4. Perfect Custard

    Peter did his best to be a good sport about going home. And the entire audience was “here’s your hat – what’s your hurray”. Thank God that long goodbye is over. Now we can concentrate on the fun people. Can Natalie dance every week ? She was almost like Iveta in the best possible way. More Natalie please.

    Reply
    1. Mared

      What will we do without Pondray’s “POSITIVITY” though? you know, some years I think ‘Shall I watch Strictly?’ Then I think ‘No, I need cheering up, I’ll watch Winter Light instead.’ But with Peter, all that changed, his vibes of positivity (not desperation) and kindness (not being arrogantly patronising) have wiped out all Seasonal Affective Disorder this year, his bright teeth the daylight lamp of light entertainment.

      Reply
  5. ChaChaChavvy

    The worst thing about the opening routine was that the ITT trailer promised a bunch of laundrette maenads shredding the clothes off Tristan but, in the end, we got a double-denim and pastels combo not entirely dissimilar to a Daniel O’Donnell album cover circa 1992. I’ve seen photos of Tristan from his DWTS days and there clearly is a man who doesn’t like too much material getting between the air and his skin. Is the BBC still having to pay off the relatives of those sent shrieking to a corner of the attic by the sight of Anton’s mohair rug in Pasha’s gladiator routine of a few years ago?

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Ha, Tristan’s fans assure me that he is DEMURE and he HATED EVERY SECOND of taking his shirt off but THEY MADE HIM etc etc

      Reply
      1. DJ Mikey

        Well they should make him again – I fail to see any problem in this. If you don’t like taking your shirt off, then stop being HOT!!

  6. Rose

    Thanks for the recaps. πŸ™‚ “Epileptic sea anemone”. *snort* πŸ˜€
    I wasn’t sure how the producers would play it this week. Either they would defend last week’s decision by inflating Peter’s scores, or they would throw him under the bus to get rid of him. I’m glad they chose the latter.
    But they will never convince me that they’re not “artificially adjusting” the results. It seems clear to most people watching that they’ve done that for years. It’s just that last week they did it so clumsily that a large number of the audience got pi**ed off about it. (And that is why you should never pay to vote, folks).
    I had to laugh at Craig’s BS on Len’s Lens. They really do think the viewers are stupid. But hopefully the judges will stop harping on about Jay’s face now. It is getting very tiring.
    I think I’ll stop the tactical voting and switch to only voting for my fave. I’d like to get rid of Kellie, but not enough to vote tactically anymore. Besides, if Kellie is in the dance off again she’ll probably get sent home against all the others.

    Reply
      1. Rose

        It is possible, sure. I can’t predict at all which of the women will be in the final. It will be very interesting to see who are in the DO this week.

  7. Marcela

    Brilliant recap, thank you!
    I just want to understand why people hate Peter Andre so much. Honestly. Yes, he’s cheesy; yes, he lives off reality TV but, he is not the first one nor will be the last to do so, isn’t he? I’ve always been fairly neutral about him, don’t love him, don’t hate him, to me he’s just another face on the television that I can manage to avoid it if I want to, easy peasy.
    The most absurd thing I’ve read so far (on DS, obvs) is that he made all the contestants sign a contract which obliged them say he was a nice person. I mean, really? Of course last week was a shambles but I find it hard to believe he had an active part in it, in the sense that he had some sort of agreement with the production in order for him to stay. I don’t know, I may be just naive, who knows?

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I don’t think there was any sort of contract to keep him in the competition to any sort of point, that would be obviously absurd. As to whether people were contractually obliged to be nice about him…*scales gesture*. They’ve done it before about their own staff (ie when Alesha was a judge and all the contestants were obliged to trot out the party line about how much they respected her and how she could empathise with them) and it is the sort of thing his management does. As the Big Name Signing I can see it. Or I can see it not being the case. Either way.

      Reply
    2. StormyTV

      For me, I just hate fake people, and every time he opens his mouth, you can smell the smarm through the screen. He’s also one of those people who *loves* the sound of his voice, which makes his presence a bit like nails on a chalkboard to me. “Can I just say…” NO, Peter. Let someone else talk for once.

      Reply
  8. Huriye

    And to think Darcey named Craig as her Dance partner on ITT! He’d no sooner catch her than let her stumble to the floor in a trice. Only one *star* here DAHLING!

    Please Claude, make up some new questions in the Clauditorium. So tedious sometimes! Like when she used to lapse into “we’ll have muffins” to one of her clueless American singing guests on ITT.

    Reply
    1. Huriye

      Oh, and please God may we never hear Kellie say again with her screwed up face, trying not to look bitter about being in the DO: “D’ya know what?”

      Gleb & Anton’s Friendship must win a Monkie!!! πŸ˜€

      Reply
  9. Fenweasel

    The end of the trailer for Movie Week, with those looming, bowler-hatted faces circling the camera, was so like a scene from A Clockwork Orange that I’m expecting a pro routine where Brenda and his droogs terrorise Darcy to ‘Singing in the Rain’ before beating drunken old Len to death in an underpass. It would still be less of a horrorshow than that Geisha routine from a couple of years ago.

    Reply
    1. Minxy

      Horror show???? What d’ya mean horror show? (Not the geisha one obvs)
      Your version of bowler hat dance must happen or I will flounce and/or burn down Elstree

      Reply
  10. Gusty Gusset

    I think I would try a bit of sultry laundry basket-wielding if it led to Joe Varney wiggling his arse in a nonchalant fashion while wearing double denim… I’ve definitely been guilty of objectification this week.

    Anyway, great recaps as always this year, thanks Monkseal.

    Reply

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