Finally we find out what the “S” stood for in “ain’t no party like an S Club Party”. It stood for Selina.
Phone Answering Wars : Making a bold play for Natalie’s status at the top of the leaderboard this week :
Charleine, in an all pink ensemble. This being a step up, couture-wise, from the Victorian nightie she scored her first point in. Oh and speaking of clothing
I believe we have now seen all of the male candidates with their tops off except Week 1 firee Dan. So I am fully expecting him to unicycle nude through the set of You’re Hired to set the series off with a bang. Don’t let me down Dan. This leaves the scores at the moment as :
Natalie : 2
Charleine : 2
Joseph : 1
David : 1
Gary : 1
with only 4 points left to play for. GETTING TENSE! The early morning discussion? Focused on Brett complaining about how awful and negative Selina and Scott, are whilst she applied her warpaint
(It’s a little bit Mikado isn’t it?) and he vowed never ever ever to be Project Manager ever again. Ever. Imagine someone with an 0-2 record as PM thinking they can win the whole show without trying to correct that galring defect on their show ray-zoo-may. Oh, hang on, that’s actually perfectly plausible in this Apprentice Era isn’t it? Oh also David rattling on to Charleine about how he’s the only candidate in the process who’s not a one-trick pony blah blah blah. So those of you who’ve missed David’s overwhelming sense of superiority…get ready for it to come roaring back! Also (*make a note*) he particularly singled out Joseph as someone who had yet to prove himself.
Never A Doll Moment :
This week’s pre-task briefing took place at the Museum Of Childhood, and after Lordalan had a brief weep out of sight of the cameras over the fact that he never had a childhood, so busy was he flogging second-hand cabbages out the back of a Ford Fiesta, we learnt that this week’s bogus “boom industry” is the children’s party industry, with British parents apparently spending £2,000,000,000 per year on kids parties. I’d love to see the working out behind that figure I really would. Anyway, regardless of how much money is spent per year on balloons and cake, each team was told to put on a kids party for a little kiddy that Lordalan had sat on, with a notional fee of £2000, although really the client could choose to spend as much or as little as they wanted, depending on how much they thought the party was worth. And on whether they were still alive or not at the end.
PMs were pre-chosen this week, as Selina is already “in events” and Gary wants to move into event management. So here, yet again, was a chance for all of us to point and laugh at people failing at their “day job”. Selina, as PM of one of the losingest teams in Apprentice history, and one of the most negative humans ever to grace this show (<3) got the chance to spread a little positivity, and select a Powerbottom to come over and help The Sugababes chances of winning. Cue
appealing looks from David and…Gary for some reason (psst, you’re PM mate, it’s not really very likely) which were all for naught as Selina selected Richard. Nobody seemed particularly pleased about this turn of events
not even Charleine, who you’d think be whooping and hollering like she just won the Superbowl. Maybe these people are finally learning about the added value a little bit o’Dicky brings.
Meet The Parents As I sat and pondered just how I was going to find an Incidental Character Boyfriend in an episode populated entirely by 13 year old children without getting this blog shut down and myself arrested, the PMs got on with meeting the children they would be throwing a party for. Sadly neither of them were spoilt brats demanding a performance from Arianna Grande, guest appearancces from Alfie Day, and a Lexus each for everyone too drive home in, which would have made this episode a lot more entertaining. Note to Producers : find more irritating children in future. There must be some still in the remainders bin from casting Junior Apprentice right? The difference in approach between Gary and Selina for these meetings can probably best summed up in the following pictures
In fairness, Selina did start the task off by saying that she doesn’t have kids and she doesn’t like them. So we were warned, even if the kid wasn’t. The other most obvious difference was that Gary was a lot more receptive to his kid (Jamal)’s needs, and asked him what he wanted (outdoor activities, a chocolate cake, burgers, his mum not to die of a nut allergy) whereas Selina just banged off a long list of everything she had to offer to hers (Nicole). To whit :
“Possibly karaoke, maybe a dance-off, we could also do a treasure hunt, how do you feel about face-painting or a Glam Boost, do you like dressing-up? we can do fancy dress, would you be interested in fire-breathers or stilt walkers, I’ve been a fire-breather for over 10 years (you said it love), that’s a FIRE BREATHER, not a SWORD SWALLOWER, DON’T YOU GIVE ME THAT LOOK BRETT!”
Still, she just about managed to work out somewhere under that cannon blast of stereotypical femininity that Nicole would really just like to play sports, which was a start. Although she then neglected to take her phone number. Oops. Still, Selina’s past as a fire-breather allowed Richard and Vana a shared moment of bonding in their Apprenticar on their way to buy food for the party as the kitchen subteam, as they joked about her setting light to her bad breath.
Awww, Dicky’s made a friend. It won’t last. Their day 1 bonding activities mostly centered around going to check out Selina’s suggestion of “afternoon tea” (at Sketch London no less), stuffing their face with macarons, then reporting back to Selina it was all too expensive and that they should really just do a bbq instead. Which sounds like a fun day to me. The only real downside was
having to wear these…groovy outfits.
Reserve Incidental Character Boyfriend Of The Week :
HERE, FOUND ONE, FOUND AN ADULT. I’ll keep him on hold unless someone better turns up. Let’s call him Artwell and have done with it. He runs the athletics centre that Selina (along with her other subteam members Brett and Scott) hired out for Nicole’s party to be used as the primary activity – 90 minutes of “Mini Olympics”. Claude was very sneery about this, saying that whilst Nicole may be sporty her friends might not be when…her friends aren’t bloody paying are they? (Also I notice nobody questioning whether JAMAL’S MALE FRIENDS would appreciate outdoor activities, hmmmm?) Although can you imagine being one of the other mums/dads of the other kids? “Can Sophie come to Nicole’s party? It’s…at an undisclosed location. Doing…something. Oh and it’s being organised by Apprentice candidates.” I’d definitely let them go. Gary’s lead team (of Gary and David) meanwhile secured use of a ropes course for a slightly higher price, although they did manage to get a 15% discount on account of how David used to work as a ropes course instructor (and did not shut up about it, all episode, my God) and so they didn’t need supervision from a staff member to run the day. Then again, Selina got a 10% discount on account of just staring at Artwell up there so think on. So with Richard & Vana bonding, and Selina/Brett/Scott and Gary/David working hard, what were Charleine and Joseph doing? Well, Charleine was just casually mentioning to Joseph, no reason, that David mentioned earlier that he thought Joseph was only really good at selling and had no other talents. She’s not bitching or anything, she just thought it’d be only right for him to know what his best mate’s been saying about him. Also is he going anywhere nice for his holidays this year?
Bag It Up : Everyone knows it’s not a proper kids party without a goody bag at the end, so both teams took it upon themselves to produce one to sell as an extra. And Team Powerbottom even bothered to ask first. To be honest, making these party bags doesn’t really make any sense to me, because you know the parents would just slice the asking price out of whatever they were going to pay for the party. Unless you count the £4 margin the teams were aiming for per bag as a massive plus point it doesn’t really seem worth the hassle. Nevertheless, Selina went rummaging through mid-range gift shops for friendship bands, candles and anything at all with flashing lights on, whilst Charleine and Joseph headed to
the absolute bottom of the barrel of cornershop tat for Gary, landing on a goodie bag consisting solely of two glowbands and some novelty glasses, for which they settled on a negotiated cost of £9 per bag with the client’s father. Eventually. After Gary came in at £15. For two glowbands and some plastic novelty sunglasses. David was, quite sensibly, agin the contents of the bag from the off, although of course spoiled it by being
obscenely pleased with himself over it. Never mind – he had an amazing plan for making the party bags better. Oh just wait, it’s a doozy. He was going to take the glowbands OUT of the bag, and replace them with a mini bag of Haribo and a water pistol. He was then going to hand these glowbands out to the kids without asking their parents, and then tell the parents “OOPS WE’VE ALREADY GIVEN OUT SOME OF THE GOODIE BAGS OOPS LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE STUCK PAYING FOR THE WHOLE THING OOPS!”
David not realising there that this is one of the few tasks in Apprentice history where pissing the client off via dodgy business practices and cut-rate product actually matters there. I’m sure they appreciated being bilked like Kristina Grimes was forcing sweeties on their toddlers.
CAMP DAVID’S RULES FOR FUN AND PRODUCTIVE PLAY!
No running, no shouting, no leaving my line of sight at any point, no touching one another in any way, when you are on the climbing wall make sure that you do not climb to the very top of the wall, make sure you do not grip the wall in an unapproved manner because you might lose a finger, make sure that you are wearing regulation colours at all time, make sure that you are only having fun in the ways listed in the attached 40 page Fun Manual, please call me David at all times, not “Dave”, “Davie” or “Dave-O”, although I will permit one use each of “The Davemeister”, please try to avoid any leaves littering the ground area they are a slipping hazard.
By contrast let’s look at what’s going on on The Sugababes Mini-Olympics
I’m laughing already. Anyway, yes, the girls at Nicole’s birthday had a fun time, playing Tug O War, clattering into hurdles, somersaulting over the high jump, running away screaming as Brett played Dodgeball with them, all culminating in a
shoutalong karaoke Britney Spears session on a bus. I’ll be honest, loath as I am to admit anything positive about Apprentice candidates…this looked more fun than most of the birthday parties I went to as a 12 year old.
CAKES! OF! DEATH!
Would you believe that it was the second one that nearly caused someone to die? The first was just a flashpoint of resentment between Richard and Vana, with the former having been left as subteam leader and in charge of running the kitchen (and loving it, ordering Vana around like his own personal sous chef). The issue being that Richard had managed time in the kitchen poorly and hadn’t left enough time to cool the cake, so Brett waded in and told Vana to bung it in the freezer (?) and then Vana went to tell Richard this and Richard flipped his lid. Basically I don’t think we’ll be seeing Richard on Bake Off any time soon, more’s the pity. But whatever, Nicole’s girls got burgers, I’m sure they didn’t care. The first one meanwhile, was created by Charleine & Joseph for a woman so deathly allergic to nuts that she refuses even to be anywhere near them in case she goes into anaphalactic shock. So you’d think Gary would have sufficient Customer Service skills to talk to her and keep her calm.
Gary : I’ll just let you guys know that the cake may contain nuts?
Parents : …what?
Gary : Yeah the spread may contain nuts.
Parents : What sort of spread did you use?
Gary : I dunno, like chocolatey sort of spread with maybe nuts in it?
Kaen : GARY DID YOU USE NUTELLA?
Gary : Yeah, probably, something like that, I dunno
*run to the other end of the venue hyperventilating into a paper bag*
It turns out in fact that Joseph and Charleine did not use actual Nutella to create the cake, because the Universe is not that kind to me in terms of comedy. They instead used Cadbury Chocolate Spread, a fact that Gary singularly failed to articulate to the client so many times that in the end Jamal’s father had to go into the team’s kitchen (possibly behind a riot shield with a full Michael Jackson face-mask on I can’t remember exactly) to work it out. You felt at this point that whatever rapport Gary had established at the start of the day was pretty much gone.
Getting T-Shirty So kids fed, second activity (a round of hearty beach themed games led by Drill Instructor Charleine at the boys party, dance lessons from Scott at an American themed BBQ for the girls) complete, all that was left to do was sell the bonus items. This…did not go well. Selina’s party bags got turned down point blank, Gary’s got busted down via further negotiation (David replacing the glowbands with two minibags of Haribo and a Christmas Cracker water pistol oddly enough not having enhanced the value of them) to £6 each, resulting in a 75p loss per bag, and David’s own attempts at printing personalised t-shirts to memorialise the day
gone so sadly awry that they all had to be thrown in the bin and written off as a £175 loss. Clearly the message here was to just plan a simple goddamn party and leave everything else well alone. Undaunted by his fingers being all over pretty much every failure on this task other than the cake, David decided to brag smugly MIGHT HE ADD about what a great job he did of organising the fun ropes course earlier in the day. It’s odd, normally you wouldn’t think it was justified to fire someone for being unable to print a t-shirt and be fun around kids and yet…
Results Time : The pre-numbers boardroom focused on how Brett and Scott are now friends again after their brief almost-fight next week. By the looks of the preview tape for next week this has inspired a belief in the healing power of working together on The Apprentice, as Charleine and Selina are back together again on Team Powerbottom. I hope the producers faith in humanity is justified via Selina running Charleine over in a golf buggy then Charleine trying to decapitate Selina with a shovel. Selina also made sure to fully credit her impending victory to Richard’s penny pinching ways even though, given that they came in at more or less the same budget as the other team (the difference it seems mostly down to the Sugababes main activity costing about £100 less than Team Powerbottom’s, which was a decision Selina made) it seems more likely down to Brett and Scott putting on a party that didn’t make the kids want to hang themselves off their own ropes course. Also Claude made sure to unironically call Vana a slave because Richard was a bit snippy to her over a chocolate cake and made her dress a salad because yes, Claude is slightly prone to hyperbole.
Team Versatile spent £1150 and the clients paid £1546 for a total profit of £396
The Sugababes spent £1051 and the clients paid £1665 for a total profit of £614
THE SUGABABES TRIUMPHANT!
This meaning that Richard has now officially won the most tasks this series, and we’re still 2 weeks away from interviews. What a star. I think my favourite post-boardroom Dicky Moment was Vana telling everyone to keep their celebrations quiet in the atrium
out of, I dunno, respect for Gary or something, moments before Richard came barrelling in jumping up and down grinning and
enveloping Brett and Scott in a great big clothesline of a hug.
Snow Joke The week’s reward for the victorious Sugababes was to go snowboarding with this lady
Jenny Jones. The Olympic Medal winning snowboarder, not the prominent Green Party figure (and by “prominent” I mean they occasionally let her loose on Question Time if Caroline Lucas is getting her roots done). Just in case you’ve started creating your Fantasy Strictly Cast Lists for next year, she is apparently willing to do reality tv appearances. The reward was of course entirely Richard smugging it up about how he’s now forgotten what it’s like to lose and then annoyingly being quite good at snowboarding. Personally I think I would rather have spent more time watching Selina
suck at it, because that probably would have been funnier. Most vexed by Richard at this point was Vana, who yet again castigated him to camera for his controlling ways although
it’s alright, they made up eventually.
Loser Cafe : It seemed briefly in Loser Cafe like Gary might be on a rare streak of decisiveness, telling David straight up that he was coming into the Final Boardroom for specifically causing the “t-shirt fiasco” and more generally for
“leaving a sour taste in the client’s eye”. God only knows how he managed that given that Camp David’s Fun Rules prohibit the production of any bodily fluids of any type at any time, let alone spitting in someone’s face. Despite this bold move, Joseph and Charleine, rather than turning one another to avoid landing in that third boardroom seat, decided to back one another up and pour further scorn on David, rattling over him as he blathered about their shit party bags. I’m not sure “Joseph & Charleine” is the end-game power alliance that I was looking for from this series, but it may be the one it deserves.
Boardroom Follies : Our Boardroom session started with a brief outlining of where the team’s deductions came from – £100 for the cake mix-up and £150 for the lack of entertainment provided on the bus. It’s worth stating that there was some entertainment on the bus. David handed out the glowsticks and made everyone do the hokey-cokey. On a moving bus. I would have knocked £200 off to be honest. It wasn’t explained where the other £250 was lost (£310 if you’re not counting the money recouped on the party bags) but I choose to believe it was for subjecting the children to Joseph’s moustache. These people had a responsibility to be role models and not lead the kids into bad life choices damnit! With all this information given to him and the £175 money lost from the t-shirts hovering over his head, Gary ploughed on ahead with his choice of David for the boardroom, but found it hard to put a cigarette paper between Charleine and Joseph, mostly because of their combined refusal to sell one another out. In the end he chose Joseph, probably because of the sterling job Charleine did of running the beach/military games and probably giving some of those young men some…thoughts they may well have looked back on as adults as a coming-of-age moment. Unfortunately for her though, she gave Lordalan ample ammunition for a dumb stunt (and you know Lordalan can’t resist a dumb stunt) (insert your own punchline here, it’d be too rude even for this blog I’ll bet) by ignoring her stage directions, leaping to her feet before she was told to leave, trilling “BYE BOYZ!” and making a break for the door.
A break that was cut short by Claude snotting “WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING?”
If I was still doing awards for Best Boardroom Moment this would win hands down right? This disrespecting of the rules from Charleine led to her coming back to the final boardroom as well. Although if anything David probably wished this hadn’t happened, as she flipped her persona yet again from “chirpy Hollyoaks salon owner” to “R Lee Ermey in Full Metal Jacket” as she rattled off at him non stop, refusing to listen to Lordalan’s request that she let him speak. Then again David’s defence of himself mostly ran to sulking,
pulling faces, and going on about how he saved the party bags by taking some crap out and putting some other crap in so maybe that in turn was doing him a favour. Whatever happened
David was gone, for no real strong stated reason other than that over the last few tasks he’s shown absolutely no attention to detail whatsoever. Gary was fire-teased for being too corporate, and in the process we got to learn what Lordalan thinks of what goes on at Tescos, which is the supermarket Gary works for (well done to everyone who guessed correctly last week), which is apparently that everyone walks around with a dustbin lid on their arse. No, me either. Anyway, Gary was spared, mostly because David and the double-headed Joseph/Charleine monster were too busy hacking at one another, and David confirmed my impression of him as the most unpleasant surface-level-charming narcissist of the series by whining pompously in his cabterview
in a massive scarf, about how everyone ganged up on him, and Charleine is irritating, and the only thing Joseph knows how to do is sell (compared to David’s myriad talents of finding a mirror, naming a shampoo, and directing softcore gay pornography), and that Gary should have had his back in the Boarroom but he NEVAH. All this recounted to his poor long suffering taxi driv…
oh hello. Sorry Artwell, you’ve been gazzumped. Nureddin The Appreticab Driver it is for Incidental Character Boyfriend Of The Weeeeeek.
Meanwhile Back At The Ranch We joined The Sugababes
mid-barbeque, and confused as to why nobody had come back from the boardroom yet. Guys, it looks like there’s going to be another dumb stunt next week so get used to it. Although they were probably further numbed by Gary pulling the whole “hang back a bit further than the rest to tease a double firing before running in screaming “OY OY!” like the Radio 1 Roadshow.
Richard and Vana in particular already look twisted out. Oh and Selina was very amused by the story of What Claude Said To Charleine. Very amused. BRING ON NEXT WEEK!
See? Everyone’s already got their hard hats on in preparation.