NO JAMELIA, COME BACK, WE DIDN’T MEAN ANY OF IT!
Oooh, ahhhh, fog and stuff. This is the start of our annual “floaty flaily” Blackpool pro dance to cotnrast with the more end-of-the-pier tone of last night’s class warfare. There’s giant arm-hankies a plenty, rogue fog thick enough to cover even the most haphazard of celebs’ footwork, and lots of pros kneeling on the floor waving their hands around in the air like they’re in a yogic cult in the 1970s. Also in the middle of it all there’s Ola
slowly being lifted up and off the show forever. Whilst Anton stands there like a lemon wondering when the time will come for him to be hoiked off up into the rafters for all eternity. Yes, Ola quit this weekend in a flurry of wild accusations about rigging like “sometimes they give people more points than I think they deserve” and “they try to make sure that everyone gets a fair shot at dancing with someone good”. You know, real Illuminati tin-foil hat shit like that. Still we must all remember that despite the fact that she’s leaving on a bit of a sour note, Ola would like us all to remember one real positive message about her time on the show – please buy her calendar, you can see her tits in it and everthin’
Anyway, the dance? There’s certainly a lot going on, with people flying around on aerial silks and doing random massive lifts and
softly and sensualy stroking Brenda’s prawn-head, and it’s all being done to “What I Did For Love” by Emily Sunday. At some point all the celebs appear, with the women dressed in pink and the men dressed in black, stomping up and down on top of a box like malfunctioning tin soldiers before stomping down and doing 20 seconds or so of partnering with their pro, which provides a preview of what will hopefully happen in next week’s quickstepathon – absolute carnage as they all jostle and bump one another out of the way (PLEASE! PLEASE LET THIS BE THE YEAR! I’VE BEEN WAITING SINCE SERIES 7 FOR SOMEONE TO HIT SOMEONE IN THE FACE AGAIN! DON’T LET ME DOWN!)
The band starts up again and our hosts emerge from behind a couple of windbreaks.
I’ll take the guy behind Claudia’s over the guy behind Tess’ thanks. She looks like she’s had a lot more fun. This is it turns out a joke about how full of wind Blackpool is. Well it’s about to get worse… And not just because Anastasia will be here howling tornados down her nose as per usual. Also performing will be Take That. However many of those are left, as Gary Barlow slowly chips away at them until it’s just his solo career all over again with Howard as his Bez shaking his maracas at the side. Also happening tonight will be Len’s Glans and the dance-off. Which we’ll get to in due course, don’t worry.
But first, as ever,
Your Week In Greg. Not a vintage week, but I guess we were spoiled on the live show.
Time for Safety Sex Faces now, and with only 8 couples left only Anita, Georgia and Peter carry the honour of having…erm…climaxed in every episode so far. Here are this week’s first three
And what a lovely day out for us all. First to be dropped into the Blackpool Red Light District is
Peter. And Janette. Who looks devastated doesn’t she? Really upset she might not get to spend more time with Peter Andre. Peter himself reassures us all that it’s fine, he’s cool with this, he’s totally fine guys, don’t boo, it’s just like this some times, he’s fine. Now if you could just direct that speech to
Helen over here Pete, we’d all be grateful. He wanders over to Tess, already clearly mid
“can I just say?” and starts up by saying “You know when you go on a rollercoaster?”. LOL like you’re tall enough to be allowed on a rollercoaster Andre, give over. Anyway, sometimes you’re riding at the front, sometimes you’re riding at the back, sometimes a baby vomits on you, sometimes the press are there to take photos EVEN THOUGH YOU TOLD THEM NOT TO, sometimes there’s highs, sometimes there’s lows and erm…stuff. Peter taking instruction from the world-renowned philosopher Rachel Stevens there. Tess turns to Bruno and says “you said on Saturday Peter has to be careful to make sure that he keeps the style of the dance. What do you suggest he do in the dance-off?”. I DON’T KNOW TESS, MAYBE KEEP THE STYLE OF THE DANCE? Anyway, Bruno talks Peter through doing a jive kick properly, and he just about manages it, which should be handy for the four of them Janette choreographed in.
Over to Claudia’s Harem now where
she’s had purple seating put in especially for the Results Show. Fancy. She first asks Georgia if she’s happy to be top of the leaderboard for the second week in a row, and Georgia says it’s great especially as it’s OOP NORTH!
Oh is she from the North? They should have said. Claudia turns to Jay next and asks for an ultra-special preview of his tango face, which we will be seeing next Saturday, when he dances the tango. So THERE all you Jay fans who somehow folded “WE ONLY EVER FIND OUT HIS DANCES ON TUESDAY! IT’S A FIX!” into your spider-web conspiracy theories, God bless you all and stay away from my bins. Here it is anyway
I’m looking forward to it. Aliona giggles that it’s cute. Jay sighs that he doesn’t want to be cute, he wants to be COOL! You were in The Wanted mate, that ship has sailed, hit an iceberg, and sank. Finally we celebrate Kellie’s first 10 and Kevin tries to look like he gives a shit
when he’s had a 10 with every single celeb he’s ever had. GIVE HIM A DUFFER, I’M BORED NOW. As King Of Authentic Ballroom, Claudia asks him to explain how next week’s Quickstepathon is going to work. Kevin tells us that normally on Strictly the couples are lucky enough to have the floor to themselves. Backstage one of the dance troupe cries. THEY WORKED SO HARD ON THAT ROUTINE WITH HIM! THEY THOUGHT HE CARED! THEY THOUGHT HE WANTED THEM TO BE THERE! Anywho, next week there will be seven couples on the floor at the same time, although none of them will be Jeremy Vine so how much destruction can there be really? Everyone will skitter around randomly (IT BETTER BE TO BALLROOM BLITZ) and Evil Moira Ross In A Rainbow Wig will decide the elimination order based on who did the best job pumicing her claws backstage. It’s a hard life.
ANASTASIAAAAAAAAAAA! I have every respect for Anastasia, because she’s built her entire career around giving off the aura of that one woman in the office who won’t get off the karaoke, and she knows it. She doesn’t care. She’s not giving you new singles, she’s not giving you art, she’s giving you one of her two songs (in this case “I’m Outta Love” although sadly without that bizarre “NYANG NYANG NYANG NYANG!” noise at the beginning which is my favourite musical moment in the Anastasia ouevre exccept maybe when she goes full Kenneth Williams in “Left Outside Alone”). She’s giving you “COME OWN!”s, she’s giving you
“COME OWN YAWWWWWWWWWL!”s, she’s giving you hand claps, she’s giving you inserting her own name into the lyrics for no reason, she’s giving you moving her mic and squatting, she’s giving you
going cross-eyed and touching herself, she’s giving you bug eyes, she’s giving you the
power ballad claw, she’s giving you sassy point after sassy point after sassy point, she’s giving you two black women at the side clicking their fingers, she’s giving you
DOWN BOY, she’s giving you about 7 vowels to every 1 consonant, she’s giving you
a random contemporary showdance for some reason and most of all she’s giving you
ANASTASIA! It’s so Roadhouse I find myself reflexively ordering her a beer and a bowl of machos for when she finishes.
Once she IS finished, it’s time for Len’s Glans. The judges enter, carefree, as “Summer Holiday” plays. Hopefully they enjoy their session here, because it’s the last time anyone’s going to even humour anything they have to say for the next month. (I will still of course recap it in exahausting detail don’t worry). We start (oh Lord) with Len praising Jamelia’s quickstep. Look at all the steps! So much content! It’s so fast! And they’re so in sync!
Look at that jete! It’s her best ballroom dance yet! He can barely find fault! (I’m sure the other three thanked him so much for this later). Nice of Tristan to practice his Safety Sex-Face mid-air there, just in case. Next Darcey wants us to watch very very intently this clip of Anita working her hands
That’s why. Anita’s hands. Definitely. Look at them here as well.
She really really wishes she could tell you how much she lick…LIKES THEM. HOW MUCH SHE LIKES THEM.
Craig’s pick next, and he requests a reviewing of Helen’s Charleston to show us all how it needed roughing up.
Again, he’s specifically saying he wants to leave Helen ragged round the edges here. Helen. Craig then gives us a potted lesson on how Charleston was invented in 1920 because of prohibition and the women who danced it were called flappers. At the word “prohibition” you can just about hear Katie Derham let out a little scream in the background. Finally Bruno wants us to look at Georgia’s spins
I…there’s a lot of different body positions going on there aren’t there? Incidentally the guy behind her is Neil Jones, who is ever increasingly involved in the show, a World Latin Showdance champion, and I wouldn’t bet against him breaking new ground soon and becoming this show’s firt ever ginger pro (unless you believe those rumours about Tristan backstage every week with a bottle of Clairol). We close on Craig flying in on the guitar and no, I’m not doing that again, I’m sorry.
Back to the Safety Sex-Faces now,
and kudos to Helen for holding it together much better than she did last time she was left until last. Thankfully for all our sakes
she is safe. And yes, Tristan does wink as the red light descends. Who to, I don’t know. Jamelia trots over to the judges and even Tess is all “…so…erm…here we are again!” like they’ve now reached the stage of two work colleagues who don’t really have a lot in common who’ve found themselves stuck at the same bus stop. I think my CHIEF displeasure at Jamelia being sent home, as well as all the stuff we’ll get to later, is that Tess isn’t going to have to try to find a new angle on this next week as well.
I mean, Jamelia herself is struggling a bit. Tess asks Len what Jamelia needs to do to stay and Len says that she should just do exactly what she did last time. And maybe grow a penis.
Back to Claudia’s Velvet Brothel And Arthouse Cinema
where my three favourite women of the series currently sit. By which I mean the three women I find it easiest to make fun of. You may have detected overlap between these categories in the past. Although Katie’s finding it
quite easy to make fun of Helen as well. Maybe she’s “Mean Drunk” this week. Hopefully they’ll make up in the club, if they can get Helen out the toilets. Claudia interviews Anita first, reminding her that it has always been her dream to dance at Blackpool in front of her mother and proper GRIND IT IN HER FACE that she has now achieved what she never could.
Admittedly some of this may be subtext I’m adding myself. Claudia next asks Katie how she would have felt at the beginning of the series if she’d told her that she’d still be here in Week 10. Katie says she would have laughed in Claudia’s face. To be fair Katie, laughing in people’s faces is your stock reply to everything. Or vaguely in the direction of their face. Over their shoulder at least. This is why she and Mr Ha Ha Marvelous have become such a sympatico pairing. Claudia doesn’t speak to Helen. Probably worried about which personality she’ll get.
Take That dressed as pimps. The idea is that they’re just arriving at the Tower Ballroom now and making their way to the stage whilst singing. I’m guessing it’s supposed to have the exciting progessive feel of when Fleur did Uptown Funk on X Factor last year. Instead it all feels a bit
Byker Grove. Eventually they emerge and
oh here are the hookers then. They sing some song I don’t know, badly (particularly Mark Owen) and nobody really cares.
TAKE THAT 2015!
Next up : an advert for It Takes Two, telling us what exciting items we’ve got coming up in the week ahead.
Sadly leaving out “Jamelia tells everyone the show’s rigged and that the stage managers forced the audience to give Peter a Standing Ovation for his dance-off performance to make the decision to save him look less stupid”. I guess that would have spoiled the surprise. (Also I hope that wasn’t you Greg, I THOUGHT WE HAD A THING! I THOUGHT I COULD RELY ON YOU!)
Back to Claudia’s Plush Cavern now
where Tess is already getting the excuses in early, saying that this is sure to be the closest dance-off the series. Eh, not really. Oh and she also says “it all rests on this performance”. Again, not really. Jamelia tells Claudia yet again that she’s really glad to get the chance to do her dance again, and Tristan would just like to say that he thinks the quickstep was Jamelia’s bext dance period, not just her best ballroom dance. He mostly thinks this because he thinks Charleston is stupid. Peter’s next and honest to goodness his interview goes on forever. He says he’s going to listen to the judges, he says he’s going to have fun, he says that Janette’s always telling him just to enjoy it, he says that Janette’s a great teacher, Janette then blathers on for a bit, then he pulls a “can I just say?” (NO PETER, NO YOU CAN’T) out and says that
he really genuinely sincerely didn’t want to be in the bottom 2 with Jamelia, because he thinks she’s suffered enough.
HAVEN’T WE PETER? HAVEN’T WE SUFFERED ENOUGH?
So anyway, we all know what happened at this point. Normally I’d feel a bit bad about a contestant’s depature being overrun by scandal, but in this case she obviously wants it to be, so here we are. Peter gets saved in a 3-1 split vote, despite clearly putting in an inferior performance to Jamelia in the dance-off, with absolutely none of the judges other than Darcey (“something improvement something blah sorry”) even bothering to offer any justification, with Len the hold out as Darcey
puts her head in her hands and ponders JUST WHAT SHE’S DONE.
a) Admittedly, it is my mission in life to get rid of the dance-off, because it is boring, and a waste of time, and makes the show even more about the judges than it needs to be, and it involves two dances hardly anybody wanted to watch again, and nothing interesting has ever happened in it, and it makes the show more predictable, and it’s deeply patronising the audience, so forgive me if I’m running with this indecently.
b) The rules of the dance-off are that the better dance off performance wins. You can’t really just change the rules on the spot because someone’s already been in the dance off five times now, or because you need to keep the gender balance at least halfway respectable, or because someone’s getting a lot of tabloid attention and buoying your ratings up, sorry. It’s cute when a 3 year old does it with a game they made up themselves because they’re losing, but we’re all adults here, except maybe Bruno, especially when the chasm in performances is this great.
c) I can maybe see saving someone with “more potential” or “overall ability” in Wk 1 or Wk 2, but this is Wk 9, all of your pieces are now on the table, you’ve had two months to clear out the duffers more or less as you chose, even the popular ones, so let the game play out properly. Also “more potential” mostly (albeit certainly not in this instance) means “younger and prettier” let’s be honest, and I’m sure that plays enough of a part in who advances in this show as it is.
d) I will happily admit that I’ve not been the biggest fan of Jamelia (or Tristan, let’s be honest). In fact I spent a good part of the first two months of this series trying to tactical vote them out of here, but these last three weeks she’s clearly really made an effort and improved and pushed herself when she had absolutely no incentive to other than really wanting to for its own sake, because the public made it perfectly clear she wasn’t going to get the votes regardless. So it sticks in the craw a little to see her efforts get unfairly (yes, unfairly) shot down on a dance which she should of done poorly at but nailed (by her standards) in favour of a guy who tanked a dance (by anyone’s standards) he should have aced, and, by press reports, who seems to have spent the entire week turning on Christmas lights and farting about.
Bye JamJams. If I’d had my overall ultimate omnipotent say you’d have gone home by week 4 at the latest, but tonight? You Wuzz Robbed. Give ’em hell.