Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Week 9 Results


Oooh, ahhhh, fog and stuff. This is the start of our annual “floaty flaily” Blackpool pro dance to cotnrast with the more end-of-the-pier tone of last night’s class warfare. There’s giant arm-hankies a plenty, rogue fog thick enough to cover even the most haphazard of celebs’ footwork, and lots of pros kneeling on the floor waving their hands around in the air like they’re in a yogic cult in the 1970s. Also in the middle of it all there’s Ola

slowly being lifted up and off the show forever. Whilst Anton stands there like a lemon wondering when the time will come for him to be hoiked off up into the rafters for all eternity. Yes, Ola quit this weekend in a flurry of wild accusations about rigging like “sometimes they give people more points than I think they deserve” and “they try to make sure that everyone gets a fair shot at dancing with someone good”. You know, real Illuminati tin-foil hat shit like that. Still we must all remember that despite the fact that she’s leaving on a bit of a sour note, Ola would like us all to remember one real positive message about her time on the show – please buy her calendar, you can see her tits in it and everthin’


Anyway, the dance? There’s certainly a lot going on, with people flying around on aerial silks and doing random massive lifts and

softly and sensualy stroking Brenda’s prawn-head, and it’s all being done to “What I Did For Love” by Emily Sunday. At some point all the celebs appear, with the women dressed in pink and the men dressed in black, stomping up and down on top of a box like malfunctioning tin soldiers before stomping down and doing 20 seconds or so of partnering with their pro, which provides a preview of what will hopefully happen in next week’s quickstepathon – absolute carnage as they all jostle and bump one another out of the way (PLEASE! PLEASE LET THIS BE THE YEAR! I’VE BEEN WAITING SINCE SERIES 7 FOR SOMEONE TO HIT SOMEONE IN THE FACE AGAIN! DON’T LET ME DOWN!)


The band starts up again and our hosts emerge from behind a couple of windbreaks.

I’ll take the guy behind Claudia’s over the guy behind Tess’ thanks. She looks like she’s had a lot more fun. This is it turns out a joke about how full of wind Blackpool is. Well it’s about to get worse… And not just because Anastasia will be here howling tornados down her nose as per usual. Also performing will be Take That. However many of those are left, as Gary Barlow slowly chips away at them until it’s just his solo career all over again with Howard as his Bez shaking his maracas at the side. Also happening tonight will be Len’s Glans and the dance-off. Which we’ll get to in due course, don’t worry.

But first, as ever,

Your Week In Greg. Not a vintage week, but I guess we were spoiled on the live show.

Time for Safety Sex Faces now, and with only 8 couples left only Anita, Georgia and Peter carry the honour of having…erm…climaxed in every episode so far. Here are this week’s first three

And what a lovely day out for us all. First to be dropped into the Blackpool Red Light District is

Peter. And Janette. Who looks devastated doesn’t she? Really upset she might not get to spend more time with Peter Andre. Peter himself reassures us all that it’s fine, he’s cool with this, he’s totally fine guys, don’t boo, it’s just like this some times, he’s fine. Now if you could just direct that speech to

Helen over here Pete, we’d all be grateful. He wanders over to Tess, already clearly mid

“can I just say?” and starts up by saying “You know when you go on a rollercoaster?”. LOL like you’re tall enough to be allowed on a rollercoaster Andre, give over. Anyway, sometimes you’re riding at the front, sometimes you’re riding at the back, sometimes a baby vomits on you, sometimes the press are there to take photos EVEN THOUGH YOU TOLD THEM NOT TO, sometimes there’s highs, sometimes there’s lows and erm…stuff. Peter taking instruction from the world-renowned philosopher Rachel Stevens there. Tess turns to Bruno and says “you said on Saturday Peter has to be careful to make sure that he keeps the style of the dance. What do you suggest he do in the dance-off?”. I DON’T KNOW TESS, MAYBE KEEP THE STYLE OF THE DANCE? Anyway, Bruno talks Peter through doing a jive kick properly, and he just about manages it, which should be handy for the four of them Janette choreographed in.

Over to Claudia’s Harem now where

she’s had purple seating put in especially for the Results Show. Fancy. She first asks Georgia if she’s happy to be top of the leaderboard for the second week in a row, and Georgia says it’s great especially as it’s OOP NORTH!

Oh is she from the North? They should have said. Claudia turns to Jay next and asks for an ultra-special preview of his tango face, which we will be seeing next Saturday, when he dances the tango. So THERE all you Jay fans who somehow folded “WE ONLY EVER FIND OUT HIS DANCES ON TUESDAY! IT’S A FIX!” into your spider-web conspiracy theories, God bless you all and stay away from my bins. Here it is anyway

I’m looking forward to it. Aliona giggles that it’s cute. Jay sighs that he doesn’t want to be cute, he wants to be COOL! You were in The Wanted mate, that ship has sailed, hit an iceberg, and sank. Finally we celebrate Kellie’s first 10 and Kevin tries to look like he gives a shit

when he’s had a 10 with every single celeb he’s ever had. GIVE HIM A DUFFER, I’M BORED NOW. As King Of Authentic Ballroom, Claudia asks him to explain how next week’s Quickstepathon is going to work. Kevin tells us that normally on Strictly the couples are lucky enough to have the floor to themselves. Backstage one of the dance troupe cries. THEY WORKED SO HARD ON THAT ROUTINE WITH HIM! THEY THOUGHT HE CARED! THEY THOUGHT HE WANTED THEM TO BE THERE! Anywho, next week there will be seven couples on the floor at the same time, although none of them will be Jeremy Vine so how much destruction can there be really? Everyone will skitter around randomly (IT BETTER BE TO BALLROOM BLITZ) and Evil Moira Ross In A Rainbow Wig will decide the elimination order based on who did the best job pumicing her claws backstage. It’s a hard life.


ANASTASIAAAAAAAAAAA! I have every respect for Anastasia, because she’s built her entire career around giving off the aura of that one woman in the office who won’t get off the karaoke, and she knows it. She doesn’t care. She’s not giving you new singles, she’s not giving you art, she’s giving you one of her two songs (in this case “I’m Outta Love” although sadly without that bizarre “NYANG NYANG NYANG NYANG!” noise at the beginning which is my favourite musical moment in the Anastasia ouevre exccept maybe when she goes full Kenneth Williams in “Left Outside Alone”). She’s giving you “COME OWN!”s, she’s giving you

“COME OWN YAWWWWWWWWWL!”s, she’s giving you hand claps, she’s giving you inserting her own name into the lyrics for no reason, she’s giving you moving her mic and squatting, she’s giving you

going cross-eyed and touching herself, she’s giving you bug eyes, she’s giving you the

power ballad claw, she’s giving you sassy point after sassy point after sassy point, she’s giving you two black women at the side clicking their fingers, she’s giving you

DOWN BOY, she’s giving you about 7 vowels to every 1 consonant, she’s giving you

a random contemporary showdance for some reason and most of all she’s giving you

ANASTASIA! It’s so Roadhouse I find myself reflexively ordering her a beer and a bowl of machos for when she finishes.

Once she IS finished, it’s time for Len’s Glans. The judges enter, carefree, as “Summer Holiday” plays. Hopefully they enjoy their session here, because it’s the last time anyone’s going to even humour anything they have to say for the next month. (I will still of course recap it in exahausting detail don’t worry). We start (oh Lord) with Len praising Jamelia’s quickstep. Look at all the steps! So much content! It’s so fast! And they’re so in sync!

Look at that jete! It’s her best ballroom dance yet! He can barely find fault! (I’m sure the other three thanked him so much for this later). Nice of Tristan to practice his Safety Sex-Face mid-air there, just in case. Next Darcey wants us to watch very very intently this clip of Anita working her hands

That’s why. Anita’s hands. Definitely. Look at them here as well.

She really really wishes she could tell you how much she lick…LIKES THEM. HOW MUCH SHE LIKES THEM.

Craig’s pick next, and he requests a reviewing of Helen’s Charleston to show us all how it needed roughing up.

Again, he’s specifically saying he wants to leave Helen ragged round the edges here. Helen. Craig then gives us a potted lesson on how Charleston was invented in 1920 because of prohibition and the women who danced it were called flappers. At the word “prohibition” you can just about hear Katie Derham let out a little scream in the background. Finally Bruno wants us to look at Georgia’s spins

I…there’s a lot of different body positions going on there aren’t there? Incidentally the guy behind her is Neil Jones, who is ever increasingly involved in the show, a World Latin Showdance champion, and I wouldn’t bet against him breaking new ground soon and becoming this show’s firt ever ginger pro (unless you believe those rumours about Tristan backstage every week with a bottle of Clairol). We close on Craig flying in on the guitar and no, I’m not doing that again, I’m sorry.

Back to the Safety Sex-Faces now,

and kudos to Helen for holding it together much better than she did last time she was left until last. Thankfully for all our sakes

she is safe. And yes, Tristan does wink as the red light descends. Who to, I don’t know. Jamelia trots over to the judges and even Tess is all “…so…erm…here we are again!” like they’ve now reached the stage of two work colleagues who don’t really have a lot in common who’ve found themselves stuck at the same bus stop. I think my CHIEF displeasure at Jamelia being sent home, as well as all the stuff we’ll get to later, is that Tess isn’t going to have to try to find a new angle on this next week as well.

I mean, Jamelia herself is struggling a bit. Tess asks Len what Jamelia needs to do to stay and Len says that she should just do exactly what she did last time. And maybe grow a penis.

Back to Claudia’s Velvet Brothel And Arthouse Cinema

where my three favourite women of the series currently sit. By which I mean the three women I find it easiest to make fun of. You may have detected overlap between these categories in the past. Although Katie’s finding it

quite easy to make fun of Helen as well. Maybe she’s “Mean Drunk” this week. Hopefully they’ll make up in the club, if they can get Helen out the toilets. Claudia interviews Anita first, reminding her that it has always been her dream to dance at Blackpool in front of her mother and proper GRIND IT IN HER FACE that she has now achieved what she never could.

Admittedly some of this may be subtext I’m adding myself. Claudia next asks Katie how she would have felt at the beginning of the series if she’d told her that she’d still be here in Week 10. Katie says she would have laughed in Claudia’s face. To be fair Katie, laughing in people’s faces is your stock reply to everything. Or vaguely in the direction of their face. Over their shoulder at least. This is why she and Mr Ha Ha Marvelous have become such a sympatico pairing. Claudia doesn’t speak to Helen. Probably worried about which personality she’ll get.

Next up

Take That dressed as pimps. The idea is that they’re just arriving at the Tower Ballroom now and making their way to the stage whilst singing. I’m guessing it’s supposed to have the exciting progessive feel of when Fleur did Uptown Funk on X Factor last year. Instead it all feels a bit

Byker Grove. Eventually they emerge and

oh here are the hookers then. They sing some song I don’t know, badly (particularly Mark Owen) and nobody really cares.


Next up : an advert for It Takes Two, telling us what exciting items we’ve got coming up in the week ahead.

Sadly leaving out “Jamelia tells everyone the show’s rigged and that the stage managers forced the audience to give Peter a Standing Ovation for his dance-off performance to make the decision to save him look less stupid”. I guess that would have spoiled the surprise. (Also I hope that wasn’t you Greg, I THOUGHT WE HAD A THING! I THOUGHT I COULD RELY ON YOU!)

Back to Claudia’s Plush Cavern now

where Tess is already getting the excuses in early, saying that this is sure to be the closest dance-off the series. Eh, not really. Oh and she also says “it all rests on this performance”. Again, not really. Jamelia tells Claudia yet again that she’s really glad to get the chance to do her dance again, and Tristan would just like to say that he thinks the quickstep was Jamelia’s bext dance period, not just her best ballroom dance. He mostly thinks this because he thinks Charleston is stupid. Peter’s next and honest to goodness his interview goes on forever. He says he’s going to listen to the judges, he says he’s going to have fun, he says that Janette’s always telling him just to enjoy it, he says that Janette’s a great teacher, Janette then blathers on for a bit, then he pulls a “can I just say?” (NO PETER, NO YOU CAN’T) out and says that

he really genuinely sincerely didn’t want to be in the bottom 2 with Jamelia, because he thinks she’s suffered enough.


So anyway, we all know what happened at this point. Normally I’d feel a bit bad about a contestant’s depature being overrun by scandal, but in this case she obviously wants it to be, so here we are. Peter gets saved in a 3-1 split vote, despite clearly putting in an inferior performance to Jamelia in the dance-off, with absolutely none of the judges other than Darcey (“something improvement something blah sorry”) even bothering to offer any justification, with Len the hold out as Darcey

puts her head in her hands and ponders JUST WHAT SHE’S DONE.

a) Admittedly, it is my mission in life to get rid of the dance-off, because it is boring, and a waste of time, and makes the show even more about the judges than it needs to be, and it involves two dances hardly anybody wanted to watch again, and nothing interesting has ever happened in it, and it makes the show more predictable, and it’s deeply patronising the audience, so forgive me if I’m running with this indecently.
b) The rules of the dance-off are that the better dance off performance wins. You can’t really just change the rules on the spot because someone’s already been in the dance off five times now, or because you need to keep the gender balance at least halfway respectable, or because someone’s getting a lot of tabloid attention and buoying your ratings up, sorry. It’s cute when a 3 year old does it with a game they made up themselves because they’re losing, but we’re all adults here, except maybe Bruno, especially when the chasm in performances is this great.
c) I can maybe see saving someone with “more potential” or “overall ability” in Wk 1 or Wk 2, but this is Wk 9, all of your pieces are now on the table, you’ve had two months to clear out the duffers more or less as you chose, even the popular ones, so let the game play out properly. Also “more potential” mostly (albeit certainly not in this instance) means “younger and prettier” let’s be honest, and I’m sure that plays enough of a part in who advances in this show as it is.
d) I will happily admit that I’ve not been the biggest fan of Jamelia (or Tristan, let’s be honest). In fact I spent a good part of the first two months of this series trying to tactical vote them out of here, but these last three weeks she’s clearly really made an effort and improved and pushed herself when she had absolutely no incentive to other than really wanting to for its own sake, because the public made it perfectly clear she wasn’t going to get the votes regardless. So it sticks in the craw a little to see her efforts get unfairly (yes, unfairly) shot down on a dance which she should of done poorly at but nailed (by her standards) in favour of a guy who tanked a dance (by anyone’s standards) he should have aced, and, by press reports, who seems to have spent the entire week turning on Christmas lights and farting about.

Bye JamJams. If I’d had my overall ultimate omnipotent say you’d have gone home by week 4 at the latest, but tonight? You Wuzz Robbed. Give ’em hell.


47 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Week 9 Results

  1. dancing cake

    Sniggering at how Ola in that pink dress looks exactly like that suicidal fairy doll who throws herself into the fire.

  2. Lauren

    I think what pisses me off most is that he should have gone and next week Jamelia (even if she has sort of entered the halls of the wuz robbed) would have probably left anyway, but now he’ll get over-marked and a bottom two bounce and someone MUCH more interesting will leave. At this point I’m thinking Helen vs. Katie bottom two which means Helen’s head will explode and we’ll never see an Anton showdance. 😥 *grumps forever*

  3. StormyTV

    Personally, I think without the DO, Jamelia would have been gone a month ago, so having the DO saved her bacon many times. On the other hand, I agree with you that at this point, if they’re obviously not an even match on the night, there shouldn’t be any voting based on how well the judges think he’s done in the past. That’s why it’s called a dance off. You get one more chance to save yourself, and if you screw up (like Peter did), you’re gone. End of.

    On the other, other hand, as a…larger girl, I’m sure Jamelia is glad to have this as a controversy overshadowing her last controversy. Which is kind of a shame.

    (Also, other Jay fans need to shut up and stop embarrassing me with their crazy conspiracy theories and their cooing. Good grief.)

  4. Perfect Custard

    I was giggling throughout that recap, your endless supply of alternate names for the Clauditorium is priceless.(purple brothel & art house cinema !) And your favourite 3 women are my favourite 3.
    But I just know that Katie noticed that Kellie bears an eerie resemblance to Sybil Fawlty in that blue dress and blonde updo.
    I’m really looking forward to Peter trying his sincere best next week and landing in the DO – and he will be gone.

    1. BeyonceCastle

      He could be in the DO if they don’t give him tens deliberately
      a) to try and justify the bullshit decision
      b) to rig him up the board
      If they give him 40 for what could be a dull pedestrian sickly AS to “sweetest feeling” (basically his Viennese again) then it potentially could be Kellie vs Anita which will enrage me as they will save Kellie and Anita is my favourite. With luck, if Andre is not in it (hoping the voters ignore his But I’m doing salsa next week pleas) everyone who hates Europe won’t vote for GG’s paso so Sybil goes and they save Georgia.
      Poor Kellie…she looks so much better on ITT and every Saturday gets screwed over with costume and make-up.

      1. Fenweasel

        They can’t vote off Anita, she has to make it to the final – we need a Gleb showdance.

        No way is NPP ever getting a 40. I suspect they’ll want him gone this weekend to prove there’s been no rigging in his favour.

  5. Ruth Blunden (@ruthblunden)

    On an unrelated note, I was reading Hello at work-there was an interview with Brendan and his wife Zoe
    in which they said they are close friends with Victoria Pendleton and her husband and spend a lot of time together. This has made me question everything as I assumed from watching the show that they didn’t like each other at all. Very confusing. They had also spent a couple of nights at Babington House to celebrate their anniversary this year which was a gift from Sophie Ellis-Bextor. Brendan will never leave Strictly willingly and will have to be carried out kicking and screaming [I’m paraphrasing]. That bit I kind of knew.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I’m so glad they made up! I think. (She definitely slagged him off to a reporter whilst drunk at a party and he was definitely put out. Is how I remember it)

  6. Sparklemotion

    I’ve been trying to articulate my feelings on the dance off for days and this did it perfectly – thanks Monkseal.
    Janette and Alijaz are really earning their money this year…Alijaz being dance teacher/therapist and Janette having to cope with 50 shades of tantastic…
    As a Jay fan Stormy I am too a little scared of the Jaypet army paranoia and of some of the anti-Jaypet lot who have been diagnosing him with a range of syndromes etc. I think he’s a great dancer, seems like a nice bloke, and would love to see him win – but getting that invested either way…is Digital Spy always this weird?

    1. Kayos Feary

      Digital spy seems to be populated by ‘has been’ dance teachers and frothing spite filled sad sacks. The only thing that distinguishes them is the fact that they all hate someone different. The bile and conspiracy theories they produce about people they have never met can be truly chilling!

      1. dancing cake

        I genuinely wonder what on earth these people are like the rest of the year (and I genuinely don’t want to be told the answer!) Also, much as I love your running gags Monkseal , seems like a good time to replace “poor Wilnelia” with “poor Dr Mrs Andre”. Her face in that shot of her from your Saturday show write up – should have been captioned “the moment Emily realised being married to Peter Andre wasn’t just one of those weird creepy dreams you can’t get out of your head the next day”. Also, apparently Peter’s brother died recently – if he dedicates his next dance to him I’ll barf. Peter, you ain’t no Bindi Irwin. She’s genuine and she can dance and she’s a winner. You are : none of the above.
        PS – pmsl, just realised I sound exactly like one of the DS lot!

  7. Andrea M

    I almost wonder if they voted Jamelia off to put her and Tristan out of the misery of doing a dance-off every week. That and “keep the boys at all costs”.

    I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed in you Strictly.

    1. phoebefair

      Totally agree. Another point against the DO is the needless psychological torture (of the celeb and us). How great would you feel to find out that no-one votes for you, week after week? Poor Jamelia noticeably quietened down during the series – not a bad thing imo, but what must it have done to her confidence?

      1. Fenweasel

        Much less psychological torture for the celeb in the DO than the alternative, though. In those couple of series when they’d scrapped it, the Sunday night programme consisted of two celebs being told “You two! No-one likes you! And there’s nothing at all you can do to redeem yourselves so you’re just going to have to stand about trying not to cry for 40 minutes while we pad out a non-event with some MOR crooning and interviewing all the celebs people like more than you. Then we’ll let you know which one of you people hate most.”

        If you’re going to have a Sunday night programme then you’ve got to have some kind of (theoretically) competitive element to it. If not a DO decided by the judges/whoever is sitting in the audience with the judges’ relatives like Michael Corleone and that bloke’s brother at the mafia hearings in Godfather 2, then by another public vote after a DO. But do we want to go there? And what’s the alternative if not? It’s not as if the BBC are going to give up a Sunday Stictly programme, so something has to hapen in it.

    2. monkseal Post author

      Neither Jamelia nor Tristan seemed particularly miserable to be honest. I think they would have relished knocing Peter off to be honest. Especially her (obv).

  8. Elaine

    Jamelia’s made of tough stuff;she can handle this. I reckon she calmed down because she was really learning to dance, not just pissing it up the wall, as she did in the first few weeks. Cynically, she might have felt it might go down better with the GBP as well? The Andre caravanette ( never a juggernaut!) trundles on. Pray the axle finally breaks on Saturday and he can get out of our faces and return to tabloid heaven/hell where he belongs…

      1. DJ Mikey

        Only if they do a dance – I’m thinking AT or maybe a Salsa – to “Naked” by Louise Redknapp.

        Or a dance to “In Walked Love” by Louise Redknapp.

  9. BonaFide

    I agree with your criticism of the DO point for point. The only reason it’s there is the ratings war with X factor, and it’s cheaper/easier than coming up with another show to fill the slot. I never watch the results show and just check the spoilers on DS.

  10. Rose

    Thanks for the recap as always, Monkseal. I never thought I’d want Jamelia to win a dance off, but this week I did. Kudos to her for verifying that they faked the standing ovation for Peter.
    I am trying to think positively though. I could never have imagined that Peter would be in the dance off at all, never mind this early. I expected the producers to put him straight through to the final. But now there is a glimmer of hope on the horizon. 😀 A potentially Peter-free final! I can dream… 🙂

  11. Allison

    I find the best bit of all of it is that Jamelia of all people is a WUZZROBBED. I don’t think we have ever had an unpopular, poor dancer as one of those before.

    Just how deep do SCD want to dig that hole over the standing ovation that wasn’t ? I am finding it all highly amusing.

    1. Gerry

      Whenever I click on your youtube links all I get is my own youtube home page — I think you need to leave out the “?#” bit.

      1. BeyonceCastle

        Sorry…am on a Kindle and just copy and paste the link (this was to the legendäre BG singing It’s just your Jive Talkin you’re telling me lies Jive talkin you wear a disguise jive talkin so misunderstood yeah jive talkin you really no good) 😉 occasionally a link of mine has led to a German ad (hasten to add Not deliberately, I have Adblock, but because i have German settings) I only ever Link to youtube and they come up as normal on Mine…Sorry again X

  12. TheLoneWolf

    You say Anastasia inserts her name for no reason. I think youll find its to advertise the song she’s currently singing. Im sure I heard ‘Amazon Download, 99p’ a bit later.
    Just came here to say that this series would be nothing without Helen and I hope youre all slowly realising it.
    PS LOL at the Ola caption.

  13. MorticiaA

    Thank you, Monkseal, for your detailed analysis of why you despise the DO. I couldn’t agree more. Peter’s patronising speech – poor old girl, I so didn’t want to be the one to take her out – was nauseating in its complacent belief (justified in this case) that he could have ridden a donkey into the ballroom, stood around watching it take a crap, and still won. It’s been great entertainment watching social media and DS go into meltdown, the beeb panicking, and ITT has been the proverbial car crash in slow motion. My only hope is that the judges now start marking Pondscum fairly, in a way that reflects his generally poor technique, lack of progress and the lack of relevant dance content, and that he is now the weakest dancer left. I suspect part of the furore surrounding this controversy has been that the orange one has been over marked and over protected all series, while other, better dancers have been eviscerated routinely., and this has made the ridiculous DO decision doubly suspect. I fully admit part of my irritation, beyond the clear unfairness, has been the frustration that we were in perfect position to be rid of his tangtasticness and now I suspect that the judges will overmark him to keep him out of the DO and into the final. At this point, I sink my head into my hands at the prospect of it all, a La Darcey….

    1. Lou

      I think Peters over marking is helping to push Helen over the edge. She is a better dancer than he is and gets far less praise. did you see her crying on the results show recap?
      Poor girl (I am team Helen for so many reasons).

    2. monkseal Post author

      Oh trust me, I could have wanged on against the dance-off for much longer. Much much longer. Much.



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