A DANCE-OFF GODDESS IS CROWNED (and his partner Jamelia gets to stay in as well)
We start the evening with
Gleb offering up his flower to me. As starts to the night go I’ve had worse, even if he is more interested in
sticking his own nose in than letting me do it. This is our opening pro number for the evening, actually choreographed by Strictly’s Big Bad and Evil Moira Ross In A Rainbow Wig’s representative on Earth Jason Gilkison. So this time when you complain about him/send him death threats on twitter, it actually is his fault. This one is, per the man himself, “about all different kinds of love” and we start with one of my own personal favourites.
“Doing it on a park bench”. After a session in the park with Gleb though, Oti has work to do, in the secretarial pool she shares with Karen and Joanne fawning over Big Boss Brenda
Should someone tell Joanne that phone’s not plugged in? I think they should. Also how quickly do you think Brenda pulled rank based on seniority to get this role? With his elbows.
They all whirl around one another and then Brenda decides he has something to show Oti…
IT’S HIS PET MOUSE CALLED SQUIGGLES! Also he’s proposing. As Karen has been loving Brenda from afar (for the last 10 seconds) she is DEVASTATED, although being a good girl she doesn’t tell Brenda that we all just saw Oti dogging to try to break them up, and instead wanders off to allow herself to be
taken in the night by Pasha, Aljaz, and Gleb (GLEB AGAIN! THE TANGLED WEB OF THIS DANCE!). After allowing herself to be degraded by the Strictly Al Fresco Shagging Circle, in ways that you couldn’t even imagine (and Lord knows I’ve tried) Kevin then comes along and
makes it alright again and then I dunno he murders Brenda for her to show his love IDK I lost track. I do love a dance with a message though, and the message of this dance?
Get tested. (That’s Years & Years in the background. They were singing “King” throughout which mercifully is NOT A NEW SINGLE so you are all to vote for them in the end of series Monkies unless Paloma Faith turns up in a wacky costume, ya here?) (Also unless there’s Bassey obv.) (I’d also like to take this moment to highlight the forgotten members of Years & Years, who you never hear about because they’re not shagging anybody famous
HELLO OTHER TWO!)
Having just neglected to fully explore all the different types of love we were promised in that opening pro routine we at least get another type with our two hosts
the love of an owner for a slightly slow Afghan Hound that can’t be let out much any more because it ends up chasing dead leaves into traffic. I’ll leave you to decide which way round. With the evidence that Tess starts by saying that last night “Georgia for three tens from the judges…and also a 9 from Craig…WHICH IS AS GOOD AS A 10!” then pulling this face.
Quite. Nothing from a man who has this sort of dance face is worth as much as a 10 paddle
He looks like he’s passing a kidney stone. Also tonight – Brandon Flowers and Len’s Glans and so on.
BUT FIRST – Your Week In Greg
Thank you to whoever it is on the Production Team who keeps on putting him in, your work is appreciated. (Good angle as well)
And speaking of putting it in
There we go. Seriously there were about 10 I could have used for Anton and Katie I almost made a sub-poll. Also I think Helen’s face waiting for the results was
actually a better bitch face than she had on in the tango. First in the bottom 2 are
these two. So if you want the gen on the stats here :
If Jamelia & Tristan lose the dance-off they tie Lesley Garrett, Will Thorp, John Barnes, Heather Small, Michelle Williams, Audley Harrison and Mark Benton for bottom 2 appearances
If Jamelia & Tristan win the dance-off but go on to make the final without hitting the Bottom 2 again (LOL) they tie the record for number of bottom 2 appearances but set the record for number of dance-offs won
If anything else happens, Jamelia & Tristan set the record for number of bottom 2 appearances
Once she’s over at Tess, Jamelia tells her that really it’s dancing against her friends that’s the hard part of being in the dance off.Tristan’s all “whatever, “friends” you’re never socially mixing with Daniel O’Donnell again for a start” and then Jamelia goes on to say that she looks forward to rectifying her mistakes and this was her favourite dance of the series so far. Wot, more than the Charleston?
The judges are asked for their advice, and Darcey’s advice is to “have a party on the dancefloor” and Bruno’s is to “finish your lines more clearly”. Nobody says “pray you’re against Jeremy”, which is really the only useful thing to say in this circumstance.
Up to Claud 9 now where
someone’s turned the electrodes on Georgia. She babbles incoherently about being top of the leaderboard and says that she’s probably not going to sleep tonight. And given the shrieks she’s emitting neither will anybody else within a 5 mile radius. Claudia next asks Giovanni what he’s expecting from Blackpool and he replies that he think the weather will be just like Sicily (WHERE HE IS FROM!) (BECAUSE HE IS ITALIAN!). Claudia turns to Katie and
seriously, has someone left Winkleman plugged in to the mains? It’s a health and safety hazard. It is then revealed that at Blackpool Katie will be doing a FRED ‘N’ GINNNNNNNNNGE American Smooth. Katie is so excited. So excited. So excited.
Finally Claudia turns to Peter and asks him what the social plans are for Blackpool, given that he is “team leader”. Janette’s face says
buffalo he is. Peter says he’s going to treat it like a mini-holiday. So expect paparazzi hidden to “secretly” capture everyone’s most private and candid moments lurking in every cupboard backstage then. WHO COULD HAVE TIPPED THEM OFF? Oh and he says that he’s going to go clubbing after the live show and Claudia is definitely going to be coming with him. Claudia says she’s rather stab herself in the labia (/”I’d rather not”).
Time for our second star celebrity singing guest now and also time for everyone’s favourite game :
How old is Brandon Flowers looking? And at what temperature has he been cooked? Remember when The Killers were on and were singing “are we human or are we dancer?” and Bruce thought it was the most BIZARRE thing he’d ever heard. Like you could see him maybe cracking open the door of popular culture just slightly, hearing that guff, and slamming it right shut again and telling Wilnelia to get his shotgun (Poor Wilnelia). All this is to say that I knew that song. I don’t know this one. It appears to be about not letting climate change put you off having a shag, which I think we can all relate to. Oooh look
here’s Oti & Aljaz. That’s a loose fitting shirt, but no nipple action this week (from him either) so let’s plough onwards.
Time now for Len’s Glans, and Claudia announces the judges arrival as being of “Three Men And A Lady”. More like
“Two And A Half Men And A Funeral”. That’s not Darcey sitting down by the way. That’s her dancing. It’s like she’s embalming herself before my very eyes. Once everyone’s settled down (to be honest, before Bruno’s settled down, but Claudia’s doing what she can) we start with a slow-motion view, at Len’s request, of Katie’s Aida.
Looks like every other rumba move you ever saw doesn’t it? Len explains that it’s called and Aida as it is named after a woman called Aida. Thanks Len. Len says that he likes it because it’s old and it’s traditional. Tanks Len. Next up, Darcey invites us all to point, laugh and cry shame at Anita for
not being able to keep her legs together around Gleb. Oh like you’d be any different love. She does make sure to even out the blame though, as we next all have a laugh at Gleb’s
dinky jete. I think the problem is that it droops a bit at the front. Never a flattering look.
Next up, a little more pre-dance-off coaching for Jamelia from Craig, as he discusses how she was wrong to
have her palms facing upwards during her samba – they should have been facing the floor. To be honest, looking at that picture, if Jamelia (or Tristan for that matter) was thinking about any part of her anatomy other than her boobs I would be very surprised. We don’t cover the part where Craig says she should have had straight legs because…erm…he was wrong. Apparently. And to think he’ll be Head Judge if Len ever has an accident. Outside of Len’s usual type of accidents. We close on Bruno taking us through a slow mo clip of Georgia’s Charleston
Oooh look, they’re actually in sync, who’d have thunk it?
More of these. This leaves Jeremy and Jay as the last men standing staring down both barrels of Jamelia : Queen Of Dance-Offs but as you might expect
they’re just torturing Jay coz it’s fun, and it’s Jeremy’s vote that’s not quite held up as well as we thought it might. Turns out that he was just the new Dave Myers after all. The Hairy Biker And The Lanky Journalist. Makes about as much sense as “Len & Ainsley’s Culinary Road Trip” doesn’t it? Tess makes sure to put on her extra sad pouty voice for the announcement as if to say that Len was indeed right, and there’ll be NO MORE FUN FOR THE REST OF THE SERIES. Unless you’re the sort of person who views “Helen George finds out she’s in the dance-off” as fun, in which case SHAME ON YOU, LADY.
Jeremy goes over to Tess, who asks him how it feels to be in his first dance-off. He says that it’s been a real honour and privilege to get this far and then Tess barks
“NO GOODBYE SPEECHES!”. Don’t point Tess, or one day someone will come along and snap it off. Jeremy says that it’s not a goodbye speech and promises that he will do his best to try to dance. First time for everything I guess. Tess then turns to Craig and reminds him that he’s never scored Jeremy above a 4. Big whoop, Widdy never got above a 3 (Sarge went up to 5, as did Dave and Carol. Judy Moo and Nancy topped out at 4. Numbers for the rest are out there on the Internet if you look, I’m not a bloody jukebox). Anyway Craig flips Nice Craig out out from behind the curtain again and says that he’s been watching Jeremy backstage rehearsing, and he knows Jeremy really really wants it.
Well this just took a turn. Len sends Jeremy off to prepare by giving him the usual duffer speech about how he “embodies the joy of dancing” and should just CAHM AHT AND ENTERTAIN. I like the idea that dancing gets more and more miserable and torturing the better you are at it. It would explain a few of the pros for a start.
Back up to Claud 9 now, where our second set of safe couples are being told by Claudia that they’ve just punched their tickets for the “Fun Bus To Blackpool”. Yeah, and imagine
this as the back row. Kevin and Kellie leading a rousing singalong of The Wheels On The Bus (“THUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DANCERS ON THE BUS GO TITS AND TEETH, TITS AND TEETH, TITS AND TEETH, THE DANCERS ON THE BUS GO”… “BOOM! SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE THE ROOM” “NO THOSE AREN’T THE WORDS KEVIN! NAUGHTY! HA HA HA HA! START AGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!”) whilst Helen hyperventilates into a sick bag and Aljaz fields increasingly desperate looks from Janette three rows in front as Peter tells her no really Janette he bloody loves his kids. Kellie takes this opportunity to
thank us all for voting for her, again, right down the camera-lens whilst Kevin does his best Charity Appeal Face. As usual in these circumstances, I shift awkwardly in my seat as all of my three free votes went to Katie. Also because of what they’re wearing. Claudia next reveals that Helen has Charleston next week and she and Aljaz are all
“YAY! FREE 10S!”. Not in those words, obviously, but the sentiment is there. Helen talks a little about the pressure of having to live up to how well everyone else has done the Charleston but still…at least 4 9s right? Right? Come on!
Anita’s next, and Claudia tells her that she loves all the stories she’s heard about her and Blackpool. Anita clarifies that it’s nothing sordid, just that her parents went on honeymoon there in 1976. God, even Anita’s racy stories aren’t even about her. Finally Jay is given an opportunity to show that he *can* do a good interview with Claudia, as she asks him how sad the group would be to lose Jeremy and Jamelia, and he says that it’d be sad to lose both of them in different ways and really Claudia he just wants to hide behind the sofa and cover his eyes and pretend it’s all not happening.
God as each man leaves the remaining ones get just that little bit wetter don’t they? It’s like a jinx.
Speaking of lingering curses, we segue from here into a Comedy VT wherein each celeb picks one item to take to Blackpool. Kellie picks a chip fork, Pondray a bucket & spade, Katie some armbands, Anita some sunglasses, Jay a string vest, Aliona her
best Comedy VT Acting Face, Jamelia a bicycle helmet (which she says is for the dodgems but I would imagine is for when all of Jeremy’s outraged fans start throwing things at her), Helen a stick of rock, Georgia her bus pass
(I love that she’s one of those celebs who is now going to use their Strictly cast photo for EVERYTHING. I bet it’s her twitter avatar until 2022 at the latest) and Jeremy
a donkey. Yes, sadly there will be no donkeys at Blackpool. Not since Pasha got elimin[PUNCHLINE REDACTED]
Back to Claud 9 now,
with the usual air of foregone conclusion lingering in the air (is any dance-off this series not going to be unanimous?) where Tess tells both Jamelia and Jeremy that they are desperate to perform in Blackpool next week. No really, you are. Look, it says so in the script, just go with it. Claudia asks Jamelia how she can possibly face the dance-off with positivity after being there so many times, and she says that she’s just going to enjoy herself. Claudia asks Tristan to give Jamelia a huge boost before the dance and he says he can’t because he’s only got a Curly Wurly on him.
Tess then asks Jeremy if he knows just how much “we all want to watch him astride a giant guitar, dancing the paso to Bohemian Rapsody at Blackpool”.
Eh, you’re alright. (I think my favourite thing about the dance off is just how vigorously Jamelia places her palms FACE DOWN when she flings her arms out. It’s not even necessary because…it’s Jeremy, but it’s a sign she’s listening at least)
Before Jeremy gives his goodbye speech, he gets a very noisy Standing Ovation from the crowd, and a slightly less noisy one from the judges. Tess asks Jeremy what his Strictly highlight was, and he says it was meeting and working with Karen, who he calls “the best dancer, the best teacher, the best friend”. He’ll definitely be round her house to play Eggheads at least once a week. He credits her entirely with him progressing past several people who were better dancers than him (and Carol, and Iwan) and Karen tells him that his love for what she does and what she lives is inspirational. He still never quite got the accent right though.
TA RAH JEREMY!