In which we remember the war dead. Also Pasha’s arse.
We open with our usual Memorial Weekend GI themed jitterbug/jive with
Anton as “Major Du Beke” (which he delivers rather like “Major Defect”) ordering some special supplies for his troops at the Strictly barracks.
Oh ok, not really, we’re not being *that* historically accurate – Major du Beke has instead snuck in some special dancers and singers to keep the boys entertained with some good old-fashioned dancing and clean family fun. They’re all jiving to “In The Mood” as being sung by
Joanne Clifton , in yet another example of her hand being kept very thoroughly in whilst at the same time her actual role on the show feeling as nebulous as possible. Next week – Joanne unicycles across the stage playing the harmonica whilst Matt Goss sings his new single. Pursued by a bear. The real story is of course that Anton is being kept as far away as possible from the actual jive dancing until right at the very end.
A more depressing and distressing tale of isolation and the elderly than even that new John Lewis advert, I’m sure you’ll agree. At some point I think the lady pros are
“hiding” from Anton whilst all the male pros salute so he doesn’t rumble them/join in, but then Joanne (who based on him polishing her picture on his files is supposed to be his…girlfriend? pin up?) gets bored of this and does Comedy Joanne Face to drag him out there to join in
But who even knows with the storytelling on this show? I’m still waiting for the epic contempowaft throwdown when Joanne and Jamelia both find out that they’re in a bigamous threeway with Tristan. And not in the way that that might be exciting.
HOORAY FOR PEACE! OR WAR! One or the other, I always forget.
Sorry, that’s a bit disrespectful isn’t it? Thankfully Claudia is wearing a dress that suitably inspires us to properly remember, reflect upon and learn from one of the worst atrocities of our shared history.
Lisa Snowdon’s Showdance. Ahem. Anywho, Claudia thanks the pro dancers for that opening routine and tells us that tonight service personnel from the Defence Medical Rehabilitation Centre at Headley Court are in the audience tonight.
Can we get someone from Digital Spy Forums to tell that guy he’s wearing his poppy in the wrong place, and with the leaf at the wrong angle and that therefore he’s not a proper war hero please? I feel it needs to be done. We must not let this disrespect go unmentioned. Two medals don’t outweigh the rudeness of wearing a bit of red paper and black plastic in a fashion I don’t approve of. Once that’s done, Tess reminds us that last night Peter got the highest score of the series so far, Anita Rani got her first 9s and Jeremy Vine sat on a horse. And speaking of horses here’s…
Your Week In Greg
Because he was wearing a horse mask last week for Hallowe’en, calm down ladies, get your mind out the gutter.
Next up – 7 celebrities are currently still bowling a perfect game of Safety Sex Faces (Anita, Georgia, Helen, Jay, Jeremy, Kellie, Peter). Let’s see who can keep it up :
Janette really is going the full Liza there isn’t she? Maybe they should have done Peter up as David Gest for the week. Anywho, it’s about that time where we can’t avoid “someone good” being in the bottom 2, because “someone good” is about 70% of the competition, and in this case the person falling from grace is
Kellie. And to a lesser extent Kevin, for whom this is his first time in the bottom. The editors make sure we know this is a big deal by leaving in someone in the audience (possibly Danny Dyer) shouting “NOOOO!” and lots of shots of the other couples looking shocked, sobered and confused
(/slightly amused in the case of Tristan).
Once they’re over at Tess, she tells Kellie that there was an audible gasp of shock in the room as she was called unsafe, because she’d got such great comments and great scores last night that nobody can believe she’s in the bottom 2. WHAT’S GOING THROUGH YOUR MIND RIGHT NOW KELLIE? IS IT MAYBE TO CORNER VICKIE GILL IN THE CORNER OF HER WORKROOM WITH A HATPIN? Kellie tells Tess that she promised Kevin up on the Balcony Of Doom that if she had to do the waltz again she wouldn’t wobble. Everyone goes “awww” at this, probably because they can tell that Kellie is speaking in the very slow, muddied, and considered manner of someone who wants to take a hatchet to the entire room whilst screaming profanities. Kellie goes on to say that this is all part of the rich tapestry of the show, and she is going to do her best (to find out how many times Danny Dyer voted for her IT HAD BETTER BE LOTS THOSE TICKETS WEREN’T LIMITLESS YOU KNOW SHE COULD HAVE GIVEN ONE TO HER HUSBAND YOU UNGRATEFUL SOD). Tess asks Bruno what Kellie should do in the dance-off and he tells her to do exactly the same thing as she did the first time except…maybe don’t wobble your arms like they’re actual jellied eels at the end. Kellie then reminds us all that it’s Kevin’s first dance-off and Kevin Kevins that he’s looking forward to it and then Kevins even more that it’s great because it means he gets to dance with Kellie again.
Meanwhile, up on Fancy Dress Island
Claudia is talking to Peter about his Charleston again. Peter tells us that being top of the leaderboard made him so emotional that he went backstage and…emoted everywhere. Possibly got right on the phone to Katie Price and yelled “HOW YA LIKE ME NOW, BITCH?” right down the line, who can say? He definitely did not cry though. It was just sweat. And his sincere love of his kids manifesting itself as ectoplasm. Claudia next turns to Jeremy and gets him to say that the tabloids are telling a big load of mean lies about how everyone hates one anoter this year and that Anita punched Jamelia in the left tit and called her Jar-Jar-Stinks. TELL US IT’S ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY UNCLE JEREMY! Jeremy complies and very very earnestly
whilst dressed as Evel Knievel’s gay cousin, recounts how the entire cast sat around in their hotel room the other day, having dinner and playing Eggheads using trivia questions the producers sent down especially at Jeremy’s requests. Remember Series 11 when the entire cast used to gather around the piano and dance the night away as Sophie belted out all her hit? Remember Series 12 when Ola and Flackers got wasted on sambucca and lezzed up? This is a boring bunch isn’t it really? Claudia next asks Katie what went wrong on Saturday night.
Her actual words are “something bizarre came upon on me”. I think that’s what went wrong with Fiona Fullerton’s cha cha as well, I sense a pattern forming. Handle your cane a bit more delicately in future Anton.
Which is as nice a segue into the celebs and pros helping out with
the Poppy Appeal as you’re probably going to find on this blog, sorry.
Georgia, Giovanni, Pasha, Carol, Aljaz, Joanne, Jay, Aliona and Natalie all are in attendance. You know, if you’re of a mind to dish out bonus points. Natalie’s granddad was in the war, Joanne’s grandfather was a nose gunner in the RAF, and Jay’s grandma hid under a table as bombs were dropped on Nottinghamshire, a lot of veterans talk about what it was like to serve and everyone gives thanks for those who gave their lives in sacrifice so we can live from from tyranny today THERE ARE NO JOKES HERE, LET’S MOVE ON.
He’s doing a new single though, and not Kiss From A Rose, so here’s that picture of Giovanni
nips akimbo you asked for, and let’s move on again. (He was spinning around very fast, it was the best I could do ok?)
Even if it must be, inevitably, to Len’s Glans.
Too many times now I have seen that man’s maracas. Too many times. We start with Kellie and Kevin’s waltz, ostensibly to show us all her super triple reverse heel turns with reverse axle finesse flip and for Len to chide us all for not voting for this pristene display of perfect and thrilling ballroom technique, but I think really to see if Kellie’s dress is less hideous in slow motion.
Nope. Still looks like a particularly grimy shower curtain in a Derby Travelodge. Next, Poor Darcey gets the rather thankless task of talking up how perfectly sync Peter and Janette were in their Charleston. Why you’d specifically pick out, of all the good fun things about that Charleston, the one thing everyone at home must have noticed wasn’t quite right, and then choose to illustrate it with a clip like this
I have no idea. I mean, undermine him if you must, but don’t rope Darcey into it. And then especially don’t compound the shame by showing the clip of her
leaping to her feet bellowing like a nob’ead whilst giving him her first 10 of the series because it’s not week 3 no more.
Craig is next, complaining that there weren’t enough ganchos in Jay’s routine. Craig defines a gancho as a move where you basically kick yourself in the bum. Apparently this is what everyone loves about the Argentine Tango.
This. Nice to have that defined for us. More bum-kicking in future please, Argentine Tango experts, otherwise we won’t let you be on camera ever agaim, back to the basement with Darren and Jenny.
Finally we get a very not useful clip of Bruno
flailing his arms about in mock comedy terror during Jeremy’s tango. (Darcey’s Face <3). Now I've seen a lot of people say that this was INCREDIBLY RUDE of Bruno and he SHOULD BE SACKED. But…it's a comedy routine, so it getting a comedy reaction is what it's aiming for no? Never mind that I buy that Bruno spontaneously lost control here about as much as I buy that he always falls off his chair entirely accidentally. All part of the Jeremy Vine Grand Comedy Tour '15, nothing to see here.
LOOK AT THEM FLY! This leaves Carol and Helen as the two being teased for the drop zone and by “teased” I mean
“tortured right at the base of her very soul” in the case of Helen. That is some…investment she’s got going on there and she’s only very slightly in the bottom half of the leaderboard. Lord knows what’s going to happen when we get down to the serious business end of the competition. Where was all this during her rumba I find myself asking? Anyway
she’s safe, it’s fine. You know, for now. Carol and Pasha sadly do not get afforded the gift of shots of everyone standing around looking like Bambi got shot, and just have to get on with the long walk down from the Balcony Of Doom. Once she’s over at Tess, she tells her that she’s been expecting this for a while, so she’s fine with it. Just one last chance to fondle Pasha’s package, and she’ll be happy to leave.
Tess asks Craig what she can do in the dance-off to survive, and Craig wisely and neatly dodges this question and tells Carol that he’s sorry that he’s been so horrible to her and that she’s a lovely woman and they always have such a super time at the bar after the show. So if you’re wondering why Bruno is “meaner” this year it’s probably because someone’s realised that Craig is now so thoroughly defanged you could get £70 off the Tooth Fairy for him. He closes by telling her to keep smiling her wonderful smile because the audiences loves her. *barf*
Back to the land of the
Red, Beige & Blue now as Helen sits there quite neatly and primly like she didn’t just have a full-on Gloria Swanson meltdown out there. Claudia congratulates Jamelia on avoiding the dance-off and Jamelia hoots happily that people at home VOTED FOR HER. THEY ACTUALLY VOTED FOR HER!
Well this is all rather sweet. As long as she doesn’t expect it to last. Claudia next tells Georgia that she’s got Charleston next week, and Georgia yomps that she ‘as and she’s “doing it to Chicago, which is one of my favourite songs”.
Oh very dear.
Next Claudia asks Jay how he’s going to respond to the judges request for more performance and more actings. He says “do it, hopefully”. Maybe not in the middle of the floor love, her husband will probably be in the audience. He says that he hopes to really get in the mood (of the dance) and he hopes it’ll show on his face. I have to say, if they really are going for a Performance Breakthrough Storyline Closer with a foxtrot, which is what he has next week…well it’s a new one, I’ll give them that. We close with Helen saying that she really thought she was going home tonight out there (to her home planet? where she was to be executed for treason?) and then Aljaz says that he really doesn’t like this “in new particular order” thing. Well it’s served you well enough so far.
At this point Claudia reveals that in two weeks time we are off to Blackpool, which by my count (Blackpool-Quickstepathong-Musicals Week-Semi Finals-Final) makes next week our last regular week of the series. You know, as much as we have regular weeks any more. This was a “regular week” and someone came out on a plastic horse and did the disco tango. Anyway, this is all to introduce someone who “just missed out on Blackpool” last year and I briefly get excited about a potential return for the REAL Team Gli’ah (back off Anita) but no
it’s this one, because apparently, despite both Alison and Judy beating him, Scott was the official Comedy Contestant of last year, yes he was, because they dressed him up as a crab/lobster/red & white minstrel. Apparently he’s going to abseil down Blackpool Tower for Children In Need or something. I mean…good job for charity and all but is anyone really impressed by abseilling in 2015? Really? At least do a bungee.
As a quick filler so everyone can get in place for the dance-off, we spool through what’s being advertised as the best of It Takes Two so far. I have to say, the segment where Gethin Jones, Jay McGuiness and Peter Andre all sat around palming themselves
was less exciting than I remembered it in my head.
Once that’s done, we’re back, and however much Lemsip Tess has been mainlining since the main show to try to keep it together
it’s starting to wear off now. Claudia asks Kellie how shocked she is and Kellie again using the very very slow diction and pronunciation of the very very pissed off says that it has to be someone every week (literally every week if you’re Jamelia) and she’s not going to lie, she does feel a bit sick at the moment.
OMG SHE’S PREGNUNT, CANCEL THE DANCE-OFF, IT’S AN IMMACULATE CLIFTCEPTION! Also it’s Kevin’s First Dance-Off Evah, has this been mentioned? Carol for her part says that she’s going to go out there and have fun with Pasha, even if it is for the last time. Pasha then tells Carol to remember that this dance is “a celebration of you, we’ve gone from step step tap to you flying around in the air without fear, let’s celebrate you, it’s all about you!”
Which sounds a lot more sweet and sincere before you remember that “It’s All About You” is the name of Pasha’ new tour, coming to a provincial theatre near you in 2016.
Maybe Carol can score some free tickets?
Things do get a little more sincere and sweet though as Carol says goodbye, sincerely thanking everyone on the show, but most particularly Pasha for being so patient and supportive, the world’s best teacher, and and a gentleman and a gentle lov…I mean gentle man. Pasha tells Carol in turn that he’s so proud of her, and teaching her was the best experience he’s ever had on Strictly, because he can’t believe he got partnered with someone who’s so nice!
Well someone’s tea’s going to be in the sink when he gets home, good luck Pasha.