Halfway through the series, our first femme falls.
We start our results show and
can anyone feel a draught in here?
He’s no Holly Valance is he? In any sense. Anyway, no, of course, this is a chessboard, presided over by The Red King And Queen.
Apparently a lot of people were confused as to whether this lady was Ola or Joanne, which leads me to question if they even know what Ola looks like. I know she’s doing her best Helena Bonham Carter impression, but it’s definitely her. They start the dance with some weird hybrid jive/ballet leg movements
before retreating to their thrones so everyone else can get on with doing the usual “one colour vs another colour” antagonistic pro dance. Kevin and Tristan are bishops, Aljaz and Brenda are queens (make your own jokes), Oti & Karen are horsies, Giovanni and Gleb are rooks, Aliona and Natalie are pawns, which leaves Kristina and Joanne as the kings. And yes I did take far too long sorting that out and I’m not even that convinced Joanne is even in the routine at all but there we are. Such is my life recapping the show. Everyone goes arg blarg in everyone else’s face, Pasha and Ola
do an odd lift then as usual
it all ends with everyone falling over. WHITE WINS! TAKE THAT BLACK!
Mercifully, to prevent OFCOM complaints in a series where already the black contestants have done…less well than usual, Tess then
restores the balance on a smaller scale. Yes the show is expecting us to buy Tess beating Claudia in a game of chess. I mean they’re already expecting is to believe Craig giving Anita and Jamelia the same score, so let’s go with it. They thank the pros for that little intellectual exercise, and tell us that tonight’s show is jam-packed with content. First time for everything I guess. There’s James Morrison, Len’s Glans, The Dance-Off…and that’s pretty much it. But we’ll drag it out for another 36 minutes anyway. Helping us full time will be our judges
Darcey looking more terrifying out of Hallowe’en costume there than she did in it. LOOK OUT FOR DEM CLAWS!
But first, your week in Greg
Very Eyes Wide Shut
/Legs Wide Open.
Which is as neat a segue as any into our first round of spooked-up Safety Sex-Faces.
They’re all a bit one-sided at the moment aren’t they? You’d think by this point these teams would be a little bit more in sync. Our first couple in danger on the other hand are
these two. The painted on smiles being replaced with…painted on smiles there. They hotfoot it over to Tess, who reminds Jamelia this is her third bottom 2 now and asks her how she’s feeling. Jamelia, rather gamely, says that she’s come to the conclusion that the public don’t like her, and she’s going to have to deal with it. Needless to say
Tess reacts like someone told her that Christmas isn’t real and the Tooth Fairy isn’t really her mum and they didn’t really send Brucie off to live on that farm with grandma. She tells Jamelia that people probably just thought she was safe and forgot to vote. IT’S THE THIRD TIME TESS, OUT OF FIVE. Regardless, Jamelia says screw the public, basically, and she hopes that the judges will stand up for her honour yet again. I feel like this is the point every year, when there’s a Sunetra, or a Mark Benton, or even a Heather Small bobbing along being kept in solely via repeated Dance-Off Hail Marys over a short period of time, that I start up again my advocacy campaign for ditching it. This can’t be fun, and is incredibly predictable, and also usually lasts for about a month. At least if we were under the old system she’d be spared the indignity of begging for the dance-patronage of Bruno Tonioli. Tristan jokes that their jive was so entertaining that people refused to vote for it because they wanted to see it again. Yeah, that’ll work. Tess then asks Darcey what Jamelia can do in the dance-off to keep her energy up, given that Darcey criticised her for flagging energy on the first run. Snickers? Half a banana? Red Bull? Nope, breathing.
I know she’s a Loose Woman Darcey, but I think she can probably manage that without your advising it. Bruno then hoots that he doesn’t understand why Jamelia is in the Dance Off, and she shouldn’t be there. But now that she is, she should sharpen her flicks.
Off up to Claud 9 now
with our safe pairs. Claudia starts with Jeremy, calling him “young man”, and congratulating him for making it halfway through the competition. Jeremy in return gives his best
kindly grandpa face down the camera lens and tells everyone he’s very grateful to have got this far, and he never expected it, and he thinks his scores this week show that he’s really improving. Remember that week when he got three 7s? I know it was a Charleston and everything but… Georgia’s next, and Claudia points out that she’s weeping. To the point of incoherency it turns out. It’s the best night of her life! I think. Either that or the purple monkey got in the dishwasher again, it’s hard to tell.
Next Claudia reveals that Anita has the jive next week, and subsequently requests that Anita keep the horns on. The Blinfolded Dart-Throwing Song Choice Monkeys gear up for a throw-off between “Horny” by Mousse and “Sympathy For The Devil” by The Rolling Stones and Anita says that she’s not sure she can get the blasted things off now anyway. Claudia asks if Anita is ready and Anita says she’s really excited, although Gleb refuses to tell her what the song is. I suspect because he’s not been told either. Claudia then asks Helen a very existential sort of question about the disparity between everyone’s tense and serious emotional state and the fact that they’re all dressed up like idjits, and Helen says that it’s very odd, especially before “the show on Saturday” when they’re all sat around socialising in wacky outfits. Anita then calls Helen
the hottest mummy she’s ever seen. Helen then purrs “says the horn lady”. Oh get a room.
This is like a girls boarding school after lights out when some boys from the school across the hill snuck a bottle of wine in.
Now it’s time for a new single (…) from James Morrison.
At least the dancers are on the floor from the start this time so there’s a semi-constant distraction. Normally we have to wait until the first chorus for them to come sprinting on and the audience to whoop whoop like Brooke Shields is doing a cameo in Friends.
Woo, look at them go. James’ new song is called “Demons” but is about metaphorical demons, rather than actual ones apparently. And not even interesting ones, like alcoholism or being abandoned at a bus-stop by your mother aged 4, or a secret sexual attraction towards refrigerator units. Just a lack of self-confidence. I don’t know what demons Gleb and Kristina are supposed to be. Based on the outfits I’m guessing flatus and chafing.
Off to Len’s Hallowe’en Glans now, to which the judges enter moving to “The Monster Mash” (because apparently they just can’t stop desecrating my favourite memories of Hallowe’en 2010)
I’m not going to use the word “dancing”. I’m just not. First on the slab is Peter’s foxtrot, with Len being asked to show us a clip where Peter’s hand was too high up on Janette.
There we go. Just as fog and long dresses occasionally hide errant footwork, maybe Janette thought her ratty ‘do would hide poor handography. NOT WITH LEN’S GLANS AROUND. Len also says that he would like Janette’s elbow and Peter’s elbow to be touching more often. STEADY ON LEN, WE’RE BEFORE THE WATERSHED HERE, WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS, STRICTLY ARGENTINA? Anyway, per Len, all of this would help bring his shoulders down and give him more elegance.
Next, Darcey praises the lack of gapping in Georgia’s tango.
She’s not wrong. Although apparently if they were touching hips, this would be even more impressive. This is followed up with Craig talking us through a clip of Kirsty’s Charleston to highlight the lack of swivel. She was also apparently a bit lacklustre with her scissoring, and Claudia asks Craig to demonstrate how it should be done.
It’s all a bit like he’s trying to rub dogdirt off his shoes. I feel if we wanted a real demonstration of frantic scissoring we should be cutting to wherever backstage Anita and Helen are at this moment. Bruno finishes off the technical section of Len’s Glans for us getting us all to marvel at the technical improvement in Jeremy as we watch him do Thriller Arms with Karen in perfect sync (ish).
I have to admit I would find this more impressive if he was doing something other than swinging his arms and raising one leg slightly. Bruno is then also the finish, the beginning, and the entirity of the comedy section of Len’s Glans, as we watch him
gurning his face off to the Strictly Theme Tune. Dance is a hell of a drug.
Second round of Scary Safety Sex-Faces?
Don’t mind if I do. This just leaves Kirsty and Carol facing the dance-off and as I said last week
always bank on the person who’s been there before. Thanks Carol for trying for the Safety Sex-Face anyway up there. Your efforts are appreciated. Kirsty and Brenda approach Tess, who tells them that nobody ever wants to be in the Dance-Off. I dunno Tess, I can think of a few people over the years. Ask Flavia that somewhere around the midpoint of Series 7 for instance. Kirsty says that she knows what she did wrong in her dance and that she has to RECTIFY THAT IMMEDIATELY.
Kirsty not really having taken any lessons about not putting the public off by being super-intense about everything there. Craig for the judges agrees with Kirsty, saying this a great opportunity to land that lift that she missed (spoilers : it didn’t look particularly great anyway). Len’s advice? Do the lift, more swivvuh, but most all
CAHM AHHT ANN GIVE IT SAHM. Thanks Len.
Up to Claud 9 again where I can sadly report that
Kellie is not feeling anyone up this week. Maybe she’s worried about Jay giving her fleas. Rest assured though, she’s not short of inappropriate emotional displays as when Claudia asks her if she’s excited to have the waltz next week
she starts cackling insanely and yelling that she “NEEDS TO SLOW DOWN A HA HHA HA HA HA!”. Seriously, get some sleep woman. Carol’s next and also pulls “thank you for voting for me, the humble duffer woman” face right down the camera.
You’ll notice she has…slightly less of a firm grasp on hers than Jeremy did. Claudia tells her she’s got American Smooth next week and Carol’s all “whatever that is, I don’t know”. Carol, it’s what Jay just did. Although in your case it’ll probably have quite a lot less frotting in it. Peter is next, and Claudia’s spilling dance style all over this week, as she reveals that Peter’s got the Charleston this week, and asks how he feels about that. Something something, new area, excited to learn, something something. I can guarantee however little I listened to the answer, Claudia was listening to it even less. As we already know Katie has the Quickstep (“QUICKSTEP! WE’VE GOT QUICKSTEP! LOVELY LOVELY LOVELY BALLROOM PROPER BALLROOM IN HOLD 42ND STREET HA HA MARVELOUS!”) Claudia is left to just ask her how she’s feeling.
She’s happy, and she’d just like to thank everyone at home for voting for her. That’s THREE PEOPLE now. Are the obnoxious mummings during the Safety Sex-Faces not enough, do we have to drag “THANK YOU OH THANK YOU” up onto Claud 9 every 5 seconds?
After a brief advert for It Takes Two, trying to lure me in with “Robin Windsor reads the alphabet” (noep), we’re back on Claud 9 with our
couples in danger. Tristan’s remains the most “will this do?” Hallowe’en outfit in some times doesn’t it? Kirsty is asked how much she wants to stay and she says that she SO SO wants to stay and it’s such a shame she made a mistake in her routine. I guarantee you would have been here regardless Kirsty, but ok. Also someone has apparently scrawled
“I Heart Whitby” on Brenda’s neck some time in the interim. Jamelia is asked if being in the Dance Off before helps with the nerves, and says that it doesn’t really, but being there before has given her a different perspective on the Dance Off and she now just sees it as another opportunity
and I’m sure she’ll have at least one more opportunity before she has to leave us.
So yes, Kirsty and Brenda are leaving us, and it says something that Tess’ attempt to flush out a happy memory for her is “REMEMBER WHEN YOU WAS DRESSED LIKE DOGS!!!!”. Although apparently Kirsty’s favourite performance on the show was her salsa so…it takes all kinds I guess. Kirsty says that she’s gutted to be leaving, but Jamelia deserves to stay far more than her and it’s just her time to go. She also exceded her own expectations which is…FINE. No, really, that’s how she says it. Like Ross Gellar. Also she never expected to win and so on and so on. Brenda for his part says he’s very proud of Kirsty coming in with no dance training (*cough*HELENJAYGEORGIA*COUGH*) or performance experience (*cough*JAMELIAANDREKELLIE*cough*) and doing so well. And seriously,
SHE’S FINE! WHO ELSE IS FINE?