Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Week 6 Performance


Slutty Pizza ❤

Last Week : Kirsty soared (for once), Helen and Kellie topped the table, Anita peaked above 30 for the first time, Georgia got to do The Dirty Dancing Lift, Katie got pished in a salsa club, Jamelia got engaged to a hunky Irishman, and even Carol got a free trip to Legoland, whilst yet another man went home, leaving this as the worst series ever for male contestants at this stage. As such the remaining male contingent got together to plot DIRE AND BLOODY REVENGE over a BUBBLING CAULDRON OF DOOM

you know, if that’s ok with you, it’s alright if it’s not, it’s just a suggestion, we’re really happy to just go out if that suits you ladies, it’s been an honour to be here and be judged by masters of their craft even if it has sometimes gone wrong, we’re just here to show our kids to stick with things, *sniffle*

Their wicked plan?

Turn into ghosts and electrocute Jamelia. I mean really, who amongst hasn’t thought that might be the answer to all our troubles at one time or another? They also pranked all of the other female contestants as ghostly sprites, except Helen

for whom things remained business as usual, mentally speaking.


Fun Fact – Peter Andre is the first Strictly celebrity to ever get a proctology exam mid credits shoot (thanks Janette!). It’s an important issue guys, make sure you get checked out too! Don’t leave your kids without a father! PETER ANDRE – HERE TO HELP!

We join the actual show

mid-wedding. The happy couple being Brenda & Natalie this time. I know we’re at peak FAMILY SHOW this year, but how many fake weddings does one series need? First Joanne and Tristan, then Jamelia and Tristan, and now this?

AND NOW THIS? They might as well start filming in a registry office. Anyway, theoretically I should be more into this than I am, because it’s Natalie in full Goth Bitch get-up doing the jive but it’s just not clicking for me. I do admittedly hate “Hell Raiser”, which is what it’s being danced to, so there’s that, but it’s lacking the loony theatricality of the best opening Hallowe’en dances of seasons past. No sexy mummy, no Iveta done up with her hair like a penis, no Nancy Dell’Olio as Morticia, and definitely no Anton flying in as Vampire Terry Wogan and doing multiple aerial somersaults as Alison Hammond pulls scared face. All the celebs just

emerge from a coffin, wave their arms around a bit (Jeremy at least makes a bit of an attempt to goose the camera, attaboy), and that’s it. WHERE’S THE AMBITION?

Then everyone falls over the end.

Then lo, from a puff of smoke do appear

a witch and her familiar. Of course Tess flings off the hat and broom as soon as possible, just in case people think she’s any fun at all.

There. Bit of eye make-up, about the limit. She thanks the pros for that opening routine, and Claudia reminds us that Ainsley flew the coop last week, and that someone else will be leaving tonight. Hopefully a woman. I know X Factor is down to only extended members of Rita Ora’s family watching, but we still need to keep hold of that valuable ovary voting demographic if we want to win the ratings war. Then the judges traipse on dressed as



Slutty Shirt-Lifting Puggsly (not homophobia, that is literally what Bruno is doing, GET THE TRANQS AGAIN)

and Craig Revel Horwood doing the Walk Of Shame. STARE ALL YOU WANT DAHLINGS, HE STILL GOT LAID *finger snap*.

Our “Strictly Stars” (which sounds more and more like a tie-in chocolate treat given away for £5 a bag at the live tour every week) descend the stairs, but we’ll get to their various costuming and make-up mishaps later.

Victoria Pendleton & The Phantom Of The Opera dancing the paso doble

Like now. Can we just contrast with when Artem did exactly the same dance to exactly the same song with exactly the same theme?

I’m not saying they have to sexify Anton (trust me…) but maybe the silly putty facial deformation could have been pared back? Tess tells us that Katie is really excited about the dance this week, because she’ll be dancing to “The Phantom Of The Opera” – her favourite song from her favourite show. You can go off a person…

To open her VT, Katie tells us that as far as she was concerned, last weekend everything went more or less according to plan, so she was surprised when the judges were so harsh.

Who drew this particular plan up, I want names and a map, I haven’t been so sexually disturbed since those shagging snowmen from the Xmas Show that one year, I want to sign them up to write the new 50 Shades trilogy. Katie says she’s very grateful to still be here and dancing this week. Dancing, or whatever it is Anton’s got planned.

Training, and Anton has invited Katie to “Chateau du Beke” (Fun Fact : that’s the Belgian branding for “Little Chef”) with a trick up his sleeve to help Katie improve her dancing.

IT’S AN AA MEETING! Oh ok, not really, for this Comedy VT’s purposes, Anton’s mansion is haunted by the ghosts of all of his worst previous partners (except Jerry Hall) (and Kate Garraway) (and Esther Rantzen) (and…well you get the point) :



and best of all Nancy (they trust her with one line of her own, which she messes up) (Nancy <3). As you can see, Anton’s dance tuition has left an impact on all of their lives. Just look at Widdy’s amazing posture! Unusually for a Comedy VT this is actually a cute idea. Usually for a Comedy VT, it’s biffed because the script makes no sense. The ghosts tell Katie that she must get through Hallowe’en Week to redeem their memories and also Anton loves Victoria Sponge. This leaves Katie with

a phobia of Victoria Sponge. The first “WHAT?!” of many this week, I feel.


Pssst. He’s behind you! The organ plays, Katie and Anton disembark, she does some flamenco arms then

misses the first grab completely and carries on in a slightly awkward vein from there. She’s very stiff and her hands frankly look more broken at the wrist than even paso doble asks for, although she does give

good cape-waft and in terms of middle-aged women set up by this show to look daft by being asked to play schoolgirl ingenues (Anita as Tracey Turnblad is still gouged into my memory with a outsized high-heel) she acquits herself fairly well on the performance side. The routine’s quite basic, and I think Anton is relying on the theme more than anything else to make it memorable, but she keeps the whole thing together, just about. It’s just not very exciting for a Hallowe’en Show Opener. Compared to her impeccably melodramatic tango, I was expecting more.


It gets most of a standing ovation, before Tess introduces our “devilishly……….good singers” and

Davearch, hamming it up for Hallowe’en as ever. It’s more Benny Hill than Dr Evil but I guess, unlike the pro dancers these days, the orchestra are hired for their technical ability not for what raving hams they are. Speaking of which, Len starts for the judges, telling Katie that the paso doble JUSS DON’T SOOOOT HUH, because she is an English Rose, and the paso doble is more of a cactus. Can we not with TOO NICE TO PASO any more, I’m bored. It was danced perfectly well by notorious raging megabitches like Kara Tointon, Frankie Bridge, and Mark Ramprakash, this is a dance competition not a Scientology audit. Bruno follows, saying he agrees with Len – Katie wasn’t enough of a grand primadonna.

We’ll see.

Craig follows, saying that it was stiff and awkward, that she clearly had balance issues throughout and her feet came off the floor at least twice in a spin, making it an illegal lift. Darcey closes with that perennial “there there” comment to female celebrities “you look pretty”. Meanwhile

actual worms appear to crawling out of Anton’s face. Some people get better costume draws for Spooky Dress Up Week than others I guess.

Up to Claud 9 they go, with Tess barking “WE ALL LOVED IT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” like she’s street-pimping for a particularly grim restaurant on Skiathos, where Claudia asks Katie if she’s surprised by the judges being so harsh given that the crowd loved it. Given that exactly the same thing happened last week, you’d think not, but Anton breaks in to field that one by saying that really the studio audience are the true judges, and everyone else might have their opinion, but he’s here to play to the masses. D’you know Anton, I had noticed. Anyway Katie says it could have gone better, but she is still sad that the judges are clearly about to

do this to her. 21. As soon as the scores land Anton is blathering on about how they’ve got quickstep next week won’t that be MARVELOUS? At this point plasticine is dropping off Anton’s face like dog turds.

Lucy van Helsing and Dracula dancing the Charleston

I see Brenda’s been at the Jammie Dodgers. Tess makes a joke about how suddenly this week from being “very supportive” (lol) Brenda has suddendly become a right PAIN IN THE NECK!

Yeah, I think was the wrong time to make the move Brenda, but at least you tried.

In her VT, Kirsty says that last week with her Viennese Waltz was really incredible, and she was really pleased with the judges comments. Something along the lines of “right, there’s your one good, nice, boring ballroom dance, now go and tell whoever owns the church hall you’re renting that it’ll start being free in a week’s time” weren’t they?

Training, and Kirsty’s theme for this week of comedy nonsense is that she’s now a vampire who wants to train only at night and also wearing a cape and also she sleeps in a crypt now.

It’s honestly so half-arsed that at one point, when she gives an evil smirk to camera over her shoulder

the cameraman can’t be bothered to focus in. Great work guys. In the end, Brenda drags her out into the light, at which point, true to the vampire mythos we’re all familiar with, she

transforms into an evil old bat awkwardly flapping around in mid-air squeaking about how she hates this and can’t do it. Which must be giving Brenda flashbacks to Hallowe’ens past.


This year it’s Brenda who gets to be strapped into a harness for the routine, as he launches first one way over the platform at the top of the dancefloor, and then the other, his little legs flailing like Count von Count as he mugs away with his falsies in, because heaven forbid Kirsty ever take less than 30 seconds to start dancing. They’re doing their Hallowe’en Charleston to a really ticky-tacky Postmodern Jukebox arrangement of “Bad Romance” that doesn’t work, and the routine itself has some of the worst Charleston choreography I’ve ever seen on the show, which Kirsty promptly sinks to the level of. It’s mostly running on the spot and flailing around with Olive Oyl legs, with her waving her arms like she’s carrying particularly heavy shopping the whole time, interrupted by a periodic duff cartwheel. About the only good things about it are the lifts, including the ol’

“Head Up The Bum” but even then she misses one where she has to leap on Brenda’s back and promptly improvises her way out of it

by doing this. SMOOTH. If you’d told me at the start of the series that Kirsty would be this bad at being goofy and carefree…I wouldn’t have been surprised at all, but it’s always nice to get empirical proof at least.


They get over to Tess, who asks if they’re ok, and to which Brenda replies with a nervous chuckle. Bruno starts by honking “YOU MADE MINCEMEAT OUT OF THAT! WHAT A MESS!”. She really did, although not even Sophie Ellis Bextor could have made anything out of that pudding. Bruno tells her that there was the obvious major mistake that spoiled the whole thing, but other than that she was flat-footed and her timing was all wrong. Kirsty grumbles that she slipped and these things happen and she did the best she could to rescue it, then Brenda pipes up that he objects to Bruno’s slurs because in the circumstances of such a major mistake most people would just run off stage and not come back. I don’t remember that happening ever to be honest Brend. In fact the only time I ever remember someone actually storming off stage and refusing to come back is…you, when Craig called Jo Wood a kangaroo. Craig hmself follows by saying that he thought Kirsty recovered well from the mistake and showed good timing at the start of the routine, but otherwise it was flat-footed and a mess. He asks Brenda specifically what went wrong with the lift, and he says that he had the wrong grip so he couldn’t get it up. Yes, I hear that’s a problem for some guys. (*hair toss*)

Darcey follows, saying that she could have done with more dance content, but she did like the cartwheel at the end. Len finishes by saying that it’s not important whether you make mistakes (HEAD JUDGE LEN!) but how you cope when you do that’s important. And Len thinks Kirsty coped well after making her mistake, and says that her progress in the competition is like Snakes & Ladders & Dog Tails & U2 Songs. This week was just a snake. To this Brenda basically replies “WELL EVERYONE ELSE IS CRAP AS WELL THIS WEEK, JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE, HA HA JUST KIDDING (NOT REALLY)”. Tess’


Up to Claud 9 they go, where this is as good a time as any to mention that there’s a Hallowe’en stair botherer

and I can’t quite tell if he’s hot or not. Certainly not a patch on the Fit Mummy of yesteryear anyway. God I miss him. However hot he is Brenda is far more interested in playing with him than comforting Kirsty at any rate. Once up there Kirsty runs through a “WHAT A SHAME!”, a “SO EXHASPERATING!” and a “IT WENT PERFECTLY IN REHEARSAL!” before Claudia even draws breath. Claudia herself chooses Len’s comment about her recovering to focus on, which Kirsty says she apppreciates, before INTENSELY

eye-balling Brenda and telling him that she really tried, in a way that suggests that she thinks he doesn’t believe it, which makes me sad, because if there’s one thing you can tell about Kirsty it’s that she is really trying. Brendan then admits that even he made a mistake at the start (did he get a bollock trapped in the harness?) and Kirsty goes on to talk about how hard Charleston is, and Claudia deftly averts her running on and looking ever more brittle by asking Brenda how well he thinks hair and make-up have done tonight.

Ah the Brenda Hallowe’en Speech. Remember that one year it didn’t happen. I was bereft. Scores are in

17. Kirsty says “OH MY GOD!” and “THAT’S AWFUL!” and other variants the whole way through the paddles. Keep this in mind.

The Thriller Zombies dancing the salsa

Andre must be spitting. HALLOWE’EN! MICHAEL JACKSON! THE THRILLER DANCE! HIS KIDS WOULD HAVE LOVED IT! To introduce them Bruno is forced to engage in a lame comedy skit with Tess about how he called Jeremy a zombie last week and now it’s come true!

Alright Evil Moira, you’ve punished him enough for the BOLLOCKS thing now, let him be.

In his VT Jeremy says that he thoroughly enjoyed his waltz, and he’s just sorry that not all the judges did, but what he will not apologise for is for smiling.

Oh is that what it was? Backstage we’re shown Jeremy saying that he hopes that there’s some sort of lightning strike and he’ll break through. Maybe if it caused a power cut so the judges couldn’t see the dances…

Training now (soundtracked by A Forest by The Cure, as Jeremy’s brand of dad-indie-disco seeps ever deeper into the show’s core) and the joke is that Jeremy is slowly devolving into a zombie with each progressive day of training

and then Karen gives him some tea so he isn’t any more and then oops he actually is again

I really don’t know what you want me to do with these VTs guys, it’s a mystery.


Where Karen and Jeremy are gearing up to do the Thriller d…I mean salsa. Definitely a salsa. Already I love that Jeremy is more of an avant-garde kids party act than a scary zombie. What follows? An absolute mess and I live for it. His salsa is so mincy it make Louie Spence look like Robert De Niro, his Thriller arms

look more like Tommy Cooper, instead of shimmies he just

kneels on the floor and barks like a dog, at one point the choreography is basically just him

rubbing his bippies, his stance is so rigid every time he stands still he looks like a Jeremy Vine action figure,

and his pelvic thrusts

are actually marginally less bandy-legged than Karen’s, well done. It’s a full-bodied, half-witted, 5/13s danced campfest tribute dance mess that looks like something the Georgraphy Department knocked up for an end of year school concert and I love it. What Hallowe’en Week does best is give this sort of grand-scale silliness the backing that it deserves and pushes it over the edge into art. The BEST part though is that the last 30 seconds of the routine, which are also the 30 seconds that looks most like a salsa, are being done to the Vincent Price part of the song. That’s right, this show just featured 30 seconds of salsa dancing to horror movie spoken word featuring a “serious journalist” dressed as one of the Thriller Zombies. We’ve come a long way since Natasha Kaplinsky baby. A long long way.

For better or worse.

It gets a belting response in the hall, and once they’re over to Tess, she reminds Jeremy that Craig has never given him higher than a 3 *hint hint*. Indeed Craig starts by saying that the whole routine was stilted and had no flow, but Jeremy was a zombie, so Craig will forgive him. Darcey follows, saying that Jeremy’s characterisation was spectacular and he was actually quite nimble. His hips didn’t work but eh.

Len’s next and says that Hallowe’en is all about the supernatural, and that was neither super nor natural, but Jeremy does have an “awkward charm” about him that makes him easy to watch. Tess is all “WELL I’M HALFWAY THERE THEN!”. Bruno closes by saying it was all monstrous fun from the master of dance horror, although the salsa itself is dead and buried. Under a haunted rollerdisco based on last week.

Up to Claud 9 they lurch, where Claudia sadly informs Jeremy that Radio 2 has just imploded. Can you imagine the noise that would make? I’m guessing a “puh…” like a hoover bag opening or just silence. Jeremy jokes that he’s happy to do such an iconic routine from a video from 1982, as it was in that year he turned 17, and it was also the year that Karen was born, so it was special for both of them. Also 13 years before the

Mysterious Girl video shoot, another iconic classic, I’m sure you’ll agree. Scores are in

22. So that’s that storyline over. Blackpool next?

Maleficent & King Stefan dancing the waltz

Gleb and Anita’s pre-dance gaywaddery is an endless source of entertainment for me, especially as I can guarantee it is all his idea. Tess gushes that Anita is one of those contestants that just gets better and better no matter what gets thrown at her. Might want to tell the judges that Tess.

In her VT, Anita grins that last week her tango got her her best scores yet and she was amazed!

Anita’s VT acting continues to amaze me. This would be a perfect before shot for an advert for Windeeze, somebody book her.

In training, Gleb tells Anita that this week they’ve got a waltz and his ever-expanding parade of boyband styles shown on this show now includes

a top-knot. How N’Sync 1999. Anita asks him how they’re going to make the waltz “Hallowe’eny”, given that it’s such a placid and romantic dance. Gleb replies that he’s going to be shirtless, with nipple shields on in the shape of pumpkins with SPOOKY FACES carved into them, and also he’s going to have on a g-string with a scary snake on he crotch, and they will be dancing to Hallowe’en Classic “Pony” by Ginuwine, because of nightMAREs do you see? Also she’s going to be flying. Anita explains that in reality she’s going to be flying onto the dancefloor as Maleficent before her wings disappear and she dances the waltz. Yeah, notice that they don’t ever have Gleb explain anything more complicated than “BOOM! GLEB SPECIAL!”? His popart transcends words, clearly. Anyway, Anita flies in rehearsals whilst Gleb

pulls adorable “RATHER YOU THAN ME!!!” face.


I’m not saying this is the greatest image in Hallowe’en Night history, but it’s up there. Anita is lowered to the floor, a little awkwardly, a bit like the angel from that episode of The Simpsons clunking its way up to the top of the new mall when the hoax is revealed, and then…well we don’t begin to waltz because Gleb has to

eye-screw the camera some as the ruthless king in haunted guyliner (and so Anita can be prised from her harness I guess). Then Anita

possesses him,

blows in his face (the audience goes “WOOOOOOOOOO!” at this like a bunch of 5 year olds, bless ’em), and then uses him to yes, dance the waltz. To the Lana Del Ray version of “Once Upon A Dream”, which is very much like someone singing the original but down a k-hole. It’s so slurry I start to wonder if Katie Derham isn’t pulling double duty in the orchestra pit. So yes, let’s establish the bad things first – the horns get in the way a bit, she’s still generally a bit amateurish looking and yes

when she does this she looks like she’s goosestepping. BUT! BUT! She mostly dances it well, and definitely performs the role of icy scorned devil-fairy well, and the whole thing is so gleefully spooky and eerie and cartoonish that it works as a Hallowe’en spectacle in the same way that Jeremy did. It’s such a great big perfume advert of a dance

and I know opinions on how charming Gleb’s “ME ME ME!”ness is are divided

the part where Anita works his body like a puppet from a distance is a thrilling gimmick well-deployed.

Tim Burton take note, this is more authentically day-glo modern gothic than anything you’ve put out since 1996 or so.

It too gets a rapturous response from the audience, and Darcey starts, saying that that was certainly the most dramatic waltz she’s ever seen, and she loves how Anita never fails to give her all to every performance. She does think that this week though, that commitment made the performance a little too strong in the body, so it came across as being spiky and hard. Len follows, grunting all vexed about how he didn’t really understand the story and stuff and it was all a bit confusing, probably because it was all based on some film he’s not even seen and that. Len, she FLEW IN ON GIANT BLACK WINGS, CAST A SPELL ON HIM, THEN KILLED HIM. THE STORY WAS THAT SHE WAS EVIL. At least we now have the answer regarding who they’ve dumbed down the VTs for… But on the other hand, Len thought her footwork and head placement was great, well done.

Bruno’s next, and he says that he enjoyed it, but Anita seemed to have trouble negotiating Gleb in the underarm turns.

Yes I wonder why.

Craig closes by saying that the dance lacked grace and flow and it needed to be far more lyrical to work for him, but he disagrees with Len – he thinks the storytelling was the best bit. Obviously he’s seen the film. I bet he was there at the premiere bobbing desperately and insisting to all his mates that Angelina DEFINITELY waved at him. She’ll DEFINITELY do Strictly next year, DEFINITELY. JOLIE-PITTS VS CLIFTONS, IT’S ON!

Up to Claud 9 they glower, with Gleb making sure to let the stair-botherer know who’s boss by getting all up in his face before the guy’s even so much as half-tried to spook him, which Anita finds hilarious. Seriously, these two would have been such a great villain couple in a fairer series. Once up there, Claudia expresses disbelief that the judges didn’t love it all deeply, and Anita says it’s fine, because she’s still learning, and she had to do the whole thing with 50kgs of dead weight holding her back.

Claudia’s all “you’ve met Tess right?”. Scores are in

29. Claudia says that what she likes about Anita is that she’s always positive about her scores, and doesn’t just stand there constantly going “WHAT?” and “OH MY GOD!”. I know right Claudia who would do that?

Two Transylvanians dancing the jive

I can just about buy that she is Magenta but no way is he Riff Raff. Also the storyline of the dance has them as Brad & Janet. So confusing. God knows what Len thinks is going on.

VT time and Jamelia says that she was expecting to be in the dance-off last week, but it was still upsetting knowing that people didn’t vote for her. Yeah, I’ve got a feeling whatever happy Strictly Memories Jamelia’s been generating so far, she won’t be adding to them from this point onwards, as much as the show might

run pictures of her cuddling Tristan in a big pink love heart whilst “A Thousand Years” plays on tinkly piano in the background good grief there goes my breakfast.

In training, Tristan tells Jamelia that he’s got a surprise for her.

Is it that there’s a button shortage going on? It’s OCTOBER man, cover it up. Once they get inside, Tristan tells Jamelia that in fact his surprise is that she and he are going to be making 50s B Movie spoof videos.

Time well spent. Jamelia says that she’s going to take the character she’s learnt from filming these spoofs and apply it to her jve on Saturday. Oh Jamelia, it’s Hallowe’en Week. You don’t have to pretend this rubbish is useful this week, think of it as annual leave from even pretend logic.


So I’m going to spend a lot of this complaining, because Michelle Williams’ Hallowe’en Time Warp is one of my favourite moments ever on this show, and this is an egregious treading all over it. For those who don’t remember, Michelle Williams was in Series 8 and was in the bottom 2 more or less every week, and was a trainwreck, and had a serious ankle injury, and then drew the jive, and it seemed like it was going to be an utter disaster and that she would finally go home and then TIME WARP happened and it was one of most joyous 90 seconds of the show ever and she NAILED IT (in the sense that it was ok and she seemed like she was having fun and it was the TIME WARP) and instead Tiny Tina doing a pleather Argentine Tango went home and Michelle wasn’t even Bottom 2. So to see these 2 basically try exactly the same storyline with Jamelia, except instead of a fun romp it’s just her stomping around like a Clydesdale from goofy prop to goofy prop as they wobble their boogly eyes or spray smoke or

fire a skeleton at her out of a cupboard…it’s just annoying. Also, Tristan has completely ignored the “put your hands on your hips” part of the lyric to the song and has instead elected

to do this. Unless Jamelia has in fact poked him in the eye, this is unforgivable.


She totters over to the judges, where Len starts by crowing that that routine was a BIT ROCKY but NOT A HORROR. He thinks the problem with it mostly was that it was underrehearsed. Good job she spent every free moment training and not pretending to be chased by giant ants then isn’t it? Bruno follows up by yelling Rocky Horror quotes and telling her to sort her footwork out. Craig is next, calling her flat-footed and also sickle-footed which seems impossible to me, but I’m no podiatrist so what do I know? He does think she had fantastic energy though. With her mangled hideous feet. Finally Tess asks Darcey if that jive will be enough to save Jamelia from the dance-off. Darcey says she believes so, yes. Ouch. I don’t remember a judge ever getting that wrong before. Darcey just gives Jamelia more advice about finshing off her footwork. I’m sure if you were a Jamelia foot-fetishist, this segment was a veritable feast. For me? Not so much.

Up to Claud 9 they hop, with the stair-botherer giving her a good going over, where Claudia gets Jamelia to say what a support Tristan has been, comparing him to “her cheerleader”. And if he wants to prove that by getting his pom-poms out, then who am I to stop him? Jamelia says she enjoyed tonight a lot but she’s not convinced she’s going to get great scores.

She’s right. Ish. 26.

Next up

Claudia : “What Alice Cooper mask?”

Snigger. Did you know that Claudia has her own make-up range coming out with Marks & Spencers, including eye-liners called things like “The Joystick” and “Pile It On”? Just in case you were looking for Christmas presents for the transvestite hooker in your life, it never hurts to start shopping early.

The Big Bad Wolf And Little Red Riding Hood dancing the American Smooth

This show…surpasses itself every time with its werewolf get-ups doesn’t it? Each of them slightly more baffling than the last.

Tess introduces the dance by saying that after this dance, we may well be saying “MY JAY, WHAT BIG SCORES YOU’VE GOT!”. Is this about Bruno again? Oh hang on, I should have done this poll last week :

VT time, and oddly enough Bruno screaming profanities doesn’t get mentioned. Instead we focus on how Jay thought he was being strong in his paso doble, but you can never be sure until you get feedback from the judges how it appeared to others. God, he’s listening to the judges? Don’t mention that to Aliona, she’ll have his ears plugged up with custard quicker than you can say HOOOOOOOOOO, NEW YORRRRRRRRK.

Training and

I think I wrote that book didn’t I, where’s my credit? Also, this isn’t really helping me not view Jay as incredibly infantilised by the women in his life. I’m surprised he’s not sat on her knee sucking his thumb. Aliona tells Jay the story of a knight, who Jay demands be a COOL KNIGHT

Jay’s “cool knight” looks quite a lot like one of the avatars of one of those guys on twitter whose timelines consist of them yelling about comparative male suicide rates to any female public figure who identifies as feminist. It just needs a little “SAY NO TO EU” ribbon in the bottom right hand corner and we’re set. Anyway Aliona, in true Aliona VT Acting style, doesn’t so much roll her eyes at this as

launch them straight upwards and then drop them on the floor as she tries to catch them again. Then the knight kills a wolf and tells Princess Aliona she’s well fit and they do a dance at the Strictly Ball and stuff the end.


Jay and Aliona are doing their American Smooth to some song about Little Red Riding Hood, but which is a bit like someone listened to the True Blood theme tune and thought “hmmm, this doesn’t sound nearly pervy enough, let’s re-record it at half the speed and like it’s been sung down the phone by a heavy breathing inmate in a high-security sex prison”. As usual, it’s a full moon, and Hallowe’en, and so Aliona’s

juices are running high, so let’s just let her get on with whatever she needs to get out of her system. It’s all very sexy and slinky and filthy and erotic and

I’m sure would be even more so if Jay didn’t look like somebody’s resurrected cat from Pet Cemetary. As a result it’s lacking a little in both menace and elegance in equal measure but

he’s giving good line when he’s being asked to, even if the in-hold stuff is a little “walk in a straight line for 10 seconds then stop”. I’m just glad we didn’t get a repeat of Harry’s Hallowe’en Tango which was basically all nibbling one another’s necks and no content. Nice lifts, nice acting, nice dance, nice chap, I’m sure.

It gets a standing ovation, and once over at Tess, Jay makes a very game job of thanking hair and make-up even though the lower half of his face is covered in the grey stuff you pack headphones in. Bruno starts for the judges by saying that this wolf is so well trained (lol ringah) that he could make Best In Show at Crufts.

Do they have a Gremlin category at Crufts? Actually having seen some of the recent winners I wouldn’t be surprised. Bruno would particularly like to praise Jay for his elegant arm lines, as would Craig, although he would have liked more characterisation throughout. He was a pervy wolf Craig, what more could he do? Sit his arse on the floor and scratch his ear with his leg?

Darcey’s next, and says she agrees about the characterisation being lacking again, as she said last week (STORYLINE KLAXON) but she did so admire how Jay did those lifts. Eh, I’m not so sure. I think having velcro on your face is probably cheating. Speaking of which

Aliona and Jay are too busy playing with one another’s fluff to bother listening to Len, who as a result gets all “HOLD MY GAZE!!!” like an end-of-the-pier hypnotist, and tells Jay that his heel-leads and toe-leads got a bit messy on occasion but other than that it was a lovely routine and very well danced.

Up towards Claud 9 they prowl where it appears that the stair-botherer, overcome by Aliona’s usual Hallowe’en sex-fest

has got stuck trying to lick his own genitals. We’ve all been there, right lads? Once up there, Claudia asks Jay how he could possibly have got a bigger performance out of that, and Jay says that he thinks that make-up and hair did such a great job with him he probably did get a bit lazy. Recognising an A+ crawl when he spots one, Peter Andre tries to get a round of applause going for Wardrobe. He doesn’t manage it. What’s the sound of one Peter clapping?

Listen in. Claudia congratulates him on doing his first lifts of the competition, and Jay says bashfully that he’s left Aliona a bit bruised. I bet he has. Scores are in


Hermione Granger & Harry Potter dancing the paso doble

Is that S for Slytherin? LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE’VE GOT A DOPPELGANGER IN OUR MIDST! To introduce, Tess makes a load of wizard jokes because the routine is going to be Harry Potter based. Sadly nothing about her disappearing though.

VT now and Kellie says that every Saturday is the same – her hoping and praying that this is the routine that goes right.

Don’t all of Kellie’s routines pretty much “go right”? Of all the frontrunners, she seems to be the one where there’s the least jeopardy so far as major disasters go. It’s a big part of why I find it hard to get invested in her performances to be honest. That and the constant Party City theming.

Training now, and the joke is that Kellie has said that she’s so busy on Eastenders this week that she’ll have to rehearse in costume with Kevin, and then Kevin turns up

like this, and Kellie’s all “NO I AM THE ONE WHO HAS TO BE IN COSTUME! MY EASTENDERS COSTUME!”. It’s almost worth it for Danny Dyer’s face alone. I’m only sorry he didn’t get to call Kevin a FAHCKIN MEWLT but I guess the show’s used up its one “accidental” swear per series now, thanks Bruno. Kellie and Danny are filming their characters’ wedding which means I can smell “big traumatising storyline that destroys Kellie’s chances of winning” on the horizon. Either that or an Eastenders wedding goes WELL. I know what I’m banking on. Danny gets right up in Kevin’s grill

in a not unhomoerotic fashion, and tells Kevin that he hears that Kevin does a great impression of him. He doesn’t, but he tries anyway. Less exciting is Shane Richie doing a cha cha step right at the camera. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT PRODUCERS, I’M WARNING YOU. (Apparently James Jordan and Danny Dyet got into a twitter fight over this whole segment regarding who has the worst career. It involved Danny calling James “soppy nuts”. Just reporting the facts there)


The pair of them are dancing the paso doble to a medley of the Harry Potter Theme and School’s Out by Claudia Winkleman and I did have faith in Keivn to pull this mess off given the wonders he did with Defying Gravity last year but…nope. It doesn’t work. The Harry Potter stuff is basically some meaningless twinkly arm-wafting at the beginning, then the wands

go off and they start marching round in a fairly bog-stand rocker-doble with Kellie stomping heavily catching flies, looking angry and “casting spells”

in lieu of looking like she’s doing a paso and then

oh God they both get up on the iconic Hogwarts Dining Hall table and start arseing around like a couple of lost holidaymakers on an 18-30(/35/40) school dayz theme night who’ve wandered off pished, found a poor innocent taverna, and overdone the ouzo.

Having praised Katie for just about being able to pull off the ingenue role without it looking too sad…yeah. Misguided.

It gets a big standing ovation in the room though because…I dunno flashy wizzbangs and also Kevin probably. Craig starts for the judges, saying that he was dubious about the concept when he heard about it, but it did actually work. I dunno Craig

those bunches she’s got her hair in probably would have worked with a Magic Roundabout theme with her as Dougal, I’m not sure about “schoolgirl wizard”. He does say that he thinks it was lacking in Spanish Line though. How you’re expected in get Spanish lines in that shapeless get up I’ve no idea, it looks like she’s wearing a binbag. Darcey follows by saying that we certainly always know when Kellie’s here, in a way that sounds like a rather passive aggressive school report, but she thinks she could do with more refinement, especally out of hold.

Len follows, laughing that Kellie took off like a Nimbus 2000 but when she got up on the table it restricted what she could really do with the dance. Gee, do you think? Bruno finishes by spewing a bunch of Harry Potter references incoherently about MEESS GRAYNGUH AND MR PPPPPPPPPPPORTAH COZINAVOC AT HOGWAR! LAHK A COPPPLA BANSHEE, and then says, without a trace of irony, that he agrees with the other judges in that Kellie’s excess of energy meant the finesse of her message was lost. mm hmm.

Up to Claud 9 they go, with Kevin yelling “EXPELLIARMUS!” at the stair-botherer to make him go away, before Kellie giggles to him that he’s not Harry Potter any more, the routine’s over. Sure, he has to give himself time now to get into character for whatever childhood hero dress-up he’s going to do next week. David Beckham? Die Hard 2? One of the Poddington Peas? Once they’re safely with Claudia, she discusses with Kellie how the latter has been getting up at 4:30am every day and rehearsing until late at night. Kellie says she doesn’t mind, but she really misses her kids, then she gets choked up and asks Claudia where the camera is, so she can give a big speech about how much she loves and misses her Freddie. I hope Claudia

wasn’t doing this on purpose, bad Claudia. Anyway Kellie gushes down the camera (because of course she knows where it really is) and seriously love, get some sleep. Scores are in


Frankenstein & His Bride dancing the rumba

I wonder how Carol felt about Kellie complaining about having to get up at 4:30am every day. I wonder if Carol feels anything at all any more. Except Bryan Adams related feelings obviously. Tess tells us that Carol has created her own Pasha substitute this week by stitching together various body parts from other dancers. Lucky Carol having this show’s budget behind her, most of us have to make do with sticking a face mask of him on a Henry Hoov[PUNCHLINE REDACTED]

In her VT, Carol says that the clear highlight of her weekend was

Supergluing herself to Bryan Adams. Just a thought, does Misery have any songs in it that would have worked better for a rumba than The Partridge Family? Carol rampaging around the dancefloor sensually wiedling a sledgehammer and calling Pasha a dirty birdie could have been an iconic Strictly moment to last forever. Bryan’s all “yeah, woo, everyone vote for Carolina Kirkward, yeah!”. Once she’s been crowbarred off her Canadian hero, Carol tells us all that really she was very happy to get a score of 21 last week. She knows other people (*cough*KIRSTY*cough*) would be furious, but it’ll do her, although she would have preferred 41. Pasha says, dead-pan, that he doesn’t think they go up to 41. Says a man who got a 42 last year because Donny Osmond loved shirtless spaceman Pasha as much as I did.

Training now, and Pasha says that it’s time for his favourite week on the show! Hallowe’en! I can only presume this is because it’s the week Numbers Bitch got eliminated so they could bin off the training and get to shagging full time, because pretty much every other Pasha’we’en has been a disaster. This early enthusiasm is dented however, when he comes in for training and discovers that Carol has

crafted together a clone out of other pros’ body parts. I can count Tristan’s hair, Aljaz’s butt, Kevin’s ear, and chins from Brenda, Anton, and Gleb (NOT REALLY PASHA, LOVE YOU!) There’s possibly also

a bit of Chelsee Healey’s rogue DNA floting around there by the looks of it, nobody speculate. Carol and “Pashastein” rehearse together, making Pasha

adorably jealous, and then Carol tells Pasha that he’s ditched, and she’s going to be dancing with Pashastein this weekend instead. Yeah, let’s see how that works out for you Carol…


CAROL NO! DON’T DO IT! IT’S NOT HIS FAULT YOU GOT ASKED TO DO A HALLOWE’EN PARTY RUMBA TO A SONG BY THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY! Also if anybody’s going to hover over Pasha’s prone body holding an outsized pric[PUNCHLINE REDACTED]. Yes Carol and her Pashastein are dancing (and I use that term so loosely it might as well be the skin on Widdy’s neck) to “I Think I Love You”, which has been passed through some sort of gothic organ remix which somehow has made it even worse. It’s mostly

Pasha doing outlandish comedy gooning whilst Carol wanders about aimlessly with her hands on her hips periodically glancing at Pasha to see if he can give any clue as to what’s going on. He can’t. It’s really more of a comedy skit than an actual dance, and certainly there’s no pretence at continual, or even regular, motion. Also

illegal lift, why not? The whole thing ends when Carol relents to Pashastein’s relentless pursuit and agrees to kiss him and then

SUDDENLY HE’S NOT INTERESTED! (The reanimated corpses of) MEN, EH?

It gets the most muted response you could possibly get to a routine, and then Darcey says she’s going to give her comments in character as Morticia so Carol can have some tough love. If Morticia’s looking for tough love

might I suggest getting that lipstick off her teeth? Anyway, Morticia slagging someone off sounds an awful lot like Darcey slagging someone off, right down to the “sorry sadly”s. Carol needed to be more fluid and sensual, basically, sadly, sorry, just not your dance, sorry. Len congratulates Carol on keeping a SUNNY disposition in the face of a FROSTY reception from the judges over the course of the series (no, those weather puns aren’t out of the show’s system, not even nearly) and then asks Pasha if he’s ever told Carol not to do heel leads in the rumba. Completely at a loss as to whether to throw his partner under the bus or paint himself as a bad teacher, Pasha just blarts

IT WAS MY FAULT IT WAS MY FAULT IT’S ME! on a loop. Bless. Might want to get some lessons from the other pros as to how to finesse that one abit better for next time Pash.

Bruno’s next and honks “MISS FRANKENSTEIN, YOUR RUMBA IS GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE, WITH IRRECONCILABLE INDIFFERNCE TO DANCE!” but at least Carol will get to keep the frock. She will? I would have thought it would be going right into the wood-chipper after the show to keep Ola in spooky bikinis. Craig closes by saying that it wasn’t sexy or seductive (he says sat there wearing the fringe of a Notts County footballer from 1983) and a bit like watching a barn dance. Oi Craig, I know Pasha’s packed it on a bit over the summer but he’s hardly a barn, leave him alone.

Up to Claud 9 they lurch, where Claudia tells Carol that she’s so proud of her keeping on smiling during those comments, and telling us all unlike most people, Carol loves doing the rumba.

Carol’s face suggests not. She croaks that it was fun, because on top of everything else, she’s got a cold this week. Claudia asks Pasha about whether he takes the blame for Carol’s heel leads and he continues to spool off “YES, ALL MY FAULT, CAROL BUILD ME VERY FAST, I’M NOT PERFECT TEE HEE!”. Oh Pasha. Scores are in


Two Ghosbusters dancing the tango

First of all, yes, Giovanni is hot as a Ghostbuster, hooray. Secondly Tess tells us that as Ghostbusters, Geoorgia and Govanni are about to spend their entire routine being pelted by spirits. Wow, Katie really took that mauling for her paso to heart didn’t she?

In her VT, Georgia says that it was nervewracking going on first and she loved doing the Dirty Dancing lift. She’s buzzing about how well it went. She was really glad to get 31, as she hopes that every week her scores will stay the same or increase. Thanks Georgia-May Bot.

In training, Georgia isn’t particularly fussed about Hallowe’en Week, but Giovanni is in full flow talking about how he loves witches, ghosts, vampires and “Draculay”. Sounds a bit…adult channel. Giovanni goes off to buy Hallowe’en supplies, leaving Georgia alone to be menaced by a

SPOOKY GHOST who either

is or is not wearing trainers depending on how lazy the VT editors are being. All I ask for is a little internal consistancy, you know? Anyway, Giovanni comes back, the ghost goes away, hooray etc etc


To be honest between the brown boiler suits and giant nerf guns and Georgia’s grungy dreadlocks it all looks more “corporate paintballing weekend” than Ghostbusters but given that it’s made

Giovanni hot as blazes, I don’t care. This is very much like the site of Georgia’s previous greatest triumph – her quickstep – in that they’ve taken an unsuitable song (here, the Ghostbusters Theme Tune) and put it through a Poppers’O’Clock triple-speed remix so they can do ridiculously fast ballroom dancing to it. It’s breakneck, on the edge stuff, with lots of turns and head whips and crosses and she just about manages to hold it all together to produce a fun performance, although I’m not entirely sure about the weird breakdown near the end where Giovanni’s mixed Argentine Tango steps with Georgia

screwing her arms up and out and around like she’s dancing to Toca’s Miracle. Maybe next week. At the end

their great big NERF guns fire streamers everywhere. Woo!

It gets a standing ovation, and Len starts for the judges by telling Georgia that she is now QUEEN OF HALLOWE’EN! Not really leaving much of a contingency plan for if Helen’s better there Len. What would she be INTERGALACTIC VIKING SPACE PRESIDENT OF HALLOWE’EN? At this compliment Giovanni

pats Georgia on the dreads. Careful there, they look so ratty you might snap one off. Bruno follows by calling Georgia & Giovanni the “Tangobusters”. I dunno Bruno, even under the green make-up they still look pretty orange. Some things just can’t be busted, and there is a Class 9 Spraytan Phantom hovvering over this show. Bruno praises Georgia for keeping the speed up, keeping her footwork tidy and never slackening.

Craig’s next and says “Sharp. Staccato. Feisty. INC CAN DESSUNT”. Might want to keep it to Uh May Zing and Fab Yoo Luss Craig in future, that one sounds a bit overthought. Darcey closes by calling it a very powerful performance.

Up to Claud 9 they bust, and Georgia weeps at Claudia that she’s having a moment. I think someone might have pulled those braids a wee bit too tight when they put them in… She and Claudia both gush over Giovanni for his choreography, and Georgia tells us that she’s been feeling rotten all week and that she was injured in training, but the show’s physio sorted her out. Between this and Carol’s sore throat earlier, I worry it might be STRICTLY LURGEY time. There’s always at least one week isn’t there? Scores are in

35. In the background, Brenda is calling for 10s. He’s obviously as bored of the wait for the next one as I am.

A Ghost And A Lady dancing the foxtrot

Tess tells us that to prepare for his Hallowe’en ghost themed foxtrot, Janette took Peter camping.

*throws hands up, walks off*

In his VT Peter,

already looking a bit like someone off his face in the corner of a club telling you how nothing ever really dies man, we all just repeat out through the Universe as energy, says that his rumba felt really beautiful last weekend because he was dancing to such a great song. The show is 150,000% harder than he thought it was going to be, but he’s still Peter Andre – loving life. And you might judge that rogue % there but I’m finding Peter Andre’s participation in this show 150,000% harder than I thought as well, so to my mind it’s fair enough.

Training now, and Janette reiterates what was said in Tess’ opening – that she’s taking Peter camping to get him in a spooky Hallowe’en mood. I went camping a few times as a teenager, and the scariest thing that happened to me was going for a pee in a bush and a wasp flying out. I’m not seeing the connection. Whatever the reason, it has brought me this shot

of a fully grown Pandre sulking in a child-sized pop-up tent, so that’s fun. There’s also a Blair Witch parody. Of sorts. ONLY ONE MORE HALLOWE’EN VT TO GO!


So Janette has fallen asleep on a slab, as you do, and awakes to find herself haunted by the ghost of Peter Andre. The ghost of Peter Andre is very much like the original Peter Andre, and yet again this looks like he’s dancing pop-jazz at the EMAs for some sort of Lifetime Achievement Award (To Loving His Kids) (Who Loves Their Kids More Though? Not You That’s For Sure)

There’s also all the usual Hallowe’en trappings on top- randomly chewing air because YOU ARE A UNDEAD,

gripping one another by the neck in ballroom so you don’t have to do a proper hold coz

strangulation is wew spooky, inappropriate song-choices (“Ghost” by Ella Henderson which doesn’t suit a foxtrot at all), that move where you

wave your hand over a lady in a spooky fashion like you’re casting a spell (how many dances was that in this evening, all of them?) I dunno, this routine is basically a Venn Diagram of everything that bores me about Peter and also everything I don’t like about Hallowe’en Week so…have fun. In the end

Janette walks off, and the applause the dance gets is exactly the same as you’d hear at the end of a TOTP performance, it’s uncanny. Like “woo woo, ok where are The Spice Girls?”

Bruno starts for the judges, shivering that Peter chills him to the bone.

Seriously, we have had no letching over the male contestants from the gay judgery this year, this is the closest it’s got, what gives? Not that I want to go back to the days of “SUHHHHHHHHCOTTT” or talk of Ben Cohen’s “delicious rugby butt”, but my guys are letting me down here. Bruno does say he’s going to be hard on Peter tonight though (one person in the audience : boo… ; Peter – NO, NO IT’S ALL GOOD!) – he thinks that, like all performers “who have been around for a very very long time” (MEOW!) Peter has a comfort zone on stage, and he hasn’t really left it yet. Indeed Bruno can “always see that Peter wanting to emerge”. (Seriously, I can’t believe people want shot of Bruno when he still provides us with both choice burns and accidental filth on a regular basis). Peter says he appreciates it man. Craig follows, saying that Peter’s shoulders kept on coming out and it all should have been a bit smoother. It was all a bit jolted and needed more rise and all. Peter says that he understands and that Craig is absolutely right.

Darcey’s next, saying that Peter is a natural performer, and she loves watching the dances come alive when he dances with Janette. She’s also glad to see him keeping up the floor contact with his feet (as opposed to levitation I suppose) but she does agree with Craig about his shoulders. They’re too high. Len closes by saying that he’s glad to see that Peter has worked on his footwork, but his hand was too high up on Janette (Peter : OK!) At this point Peter asks if he can just say something (NO). Tess encourages him to go on (THANKS TESS) and he gives the following speech, for which I will provide the English translation :

“I genuinely (LOL) whenever I see the judges individually (after chasing them down the corridor for 5 minutes because they never seem to see me) I always tell them how grateful I am (because I am a MASSIVE APPLE POLISHER) because you know, for me, performance is for life (because I never turn off, ever, not even for a second) not just for two months (if only) and what I’m learning is invaluable and I’m loving it, I’m REALLY LOVING IT (come see my tour of swing covers please please please) (PS : I love my kids)

Up to Claud 9 they float, where Claudia reminds Janette that was her first foxtrot. Possibly in her life. Peter honks “AND SHE’S FOXY!”. Claudia says “correct!” whilst her face

contemplates whether she can just make her Sewing Bee money stretch all year round. Peter says that he really takes on board what the judges say (DO YOU?) because the judges are masters of their craft (ARE THEY?). Hilariously, Brenda at this point cannot resist a chipped in “no they aren’t” from the back row. Scores are in

28. He does exactly the same fist pump and “yes!” on every paddle’s turning, it’s fascinating.

Two Mummies dancing the samba

Tess honks that as a star of Call The Midwife, Helen should suit an Ancient Egypt themed dance, because she KNOWS ALL ABOUT MUMMIES.

Make it end, I beg you.

In her VT, Helen says that last week was brilliant, and she never expected to be top of the leaderboard. Aljaz says that for him, 35 is not enough. HE WANTS TO GO EVEN HIGHER! Give it a week or two Aljaz and they’ll be firing 10s at your girl like Georgia is currently firing NERF balls around backstage whilst shrieking “I’M A GHOSTBUSTER! I’M A GHOSTBUSTER!” don’t worry.

Training now and Helen

wearing variously a pastel blue top, leg-warmers, devil horns, lilac high heels, superhero print booty shorts and a faux fur tigerprint jumper (<3) tells us that this week she will be dancing a samba to "Take Your Mama Out" with a mummy theme. As such Helen's Comedy VT theme is that she is constantly delivering painful minor injuries so she gets to exaggerate them for sympathy and to practice for her dance

Yes, Helen’s Comedy VT Theme is “Munchausens By Proxy”. I’m not sure we really should be encouraging this, it’s a serious mental health problem. Stamping on someone’s foot?

Just terrible. I cannot endorse this.



So yeah, Aljaz and Helen are kooky mummies who have awoken from their 2000 year slumber to do the samba and I can’t decide if Aljaz working deliberate stiffness into the routine

is smart, or so obvious that it becomes dumb. This is Helen’s third party latin by now, we should be beyond comedy themings to hide deficiencies. Or at least ones this transparent. I am admittedly sad that, barring a Redemption Dance in the final

this is the last time we’ll get to see Helen’s Tazer Shimmies. She is shaking that thing about like a fish in a rowboat. Also

SAMBA ROLL HOORAY! At any rate, her hips are fine, she’s not really getting the bounce…time to move on to a different genre I think, I want to see something else. Too much salsambcha in too short a space of time can get dizzying.

Can we get a close-up on that hair?

Thanks loves.

It gets a standing O, and Craig kicks us off for the judges by saying that he loved the “opening scenario”. Personally it gave me flashbacks to when Steven Backshall’s similarly themed routine last year went tits up, but there we are. Anyway Craig liked it, but felt she could have gone a bit further with her bounce action. Darcey follows by grinning that Helen has really come out of her box tonight. I believe they’re called “sarcophagi” Darcey. Darcey thinks it’s a whole new Helen and she made the samba loof effortless.

Len’s next, with Tess asking him if Helen can top the leaderboard again tonight, and Len says he wouldn’t be surprised to see her right up there.

Is that because you’re one of the ones scoring her Len? He says that the midwife has delivered again and that Helen is a yummy mummy (*checks watch*) but he didn’t notice one major slip-up. Aljaz says it was just the choreography, but Helen admits that yes, she did slip. Bruno closes by singing “Mummy Mia!” to Helen. No spoilers for stupid song choices for next year Bruno, I want to be surprised!

Up to Claud 9 they wrap, where Claudia asks Helen how she found the double bounce. Helen sighs that she thought that was “a basketball thing” tee hee. She does say that she feels far too English to be doing these sexy Latin dances. Sure you do Helen.

Sure you do. Claudia then asks Aljaz if he’s ever done anything as bonkers as that routine ever before in his life ever.

Yes Claudia, yes he has. Scores are in


Final Leaderboard?



57 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Week 6 Performance

  1. Sparklemotion

    That screenshot of Claudia pointing out the wrong camera to Tits’nteeth is the most evil thing I’ve seen all Halloween and I LOVED it dah-ling.
    I enjoy a KFG paso immensely but this one was horrid.
    Would have loved to have seen J&A’s dance without the addition of the weird black sparkly hair stuff. The look of it made me itch. Wonderful lifts though.
    I think Carol and Jeremy’s superdufferness might send Andre to the dance off this week…here’s hoping!

  2. Kiki

    I was watching the French strictly while away this weekend. You’d have a field day with it, one celeb is called Enjoy. The judges came out on the dance floor to demo their feedback and their Claudia is a boy.
    It was a sorry immitation, glad to get back to your recap.

  3. Dancing cake

    Just to get this out of the way first: does anybody else find it incredibly irritating that the audience now seem to clap along to EVERY SECOND of EVERY DANCE. And you (ok, I ) can’t get away from it because as the camera whirls round the dancers, I keep getting shots of them all clapping away, like elderly people on a “fun” day out from the care home being forced to sing wartime songs and clap along.

    Anyway – excellent recap, thanks Monkseal. Made a lot of the mediocre stuff on Saturday much more entertaining and reminded me how much I loved the Alison/Alijaz partnership.

    Funny to see on th epoll results that almost nobody wants Peter in the final four but quite a lot of us think he will be there …. I also don’t want to see Kevin and Kellie in the final but if they are, what are the bets they do Bananas in Pyjamas as their showdance.

    1. Gerry

      Years back when they first started doing it I wanted the audience to shut the fuck up with their stupid off the beat clapping — instead Moira’s Mob not only encouraged it but even started using using the electric cattle prods to promote these ridiculous “Standing Ovulations” as Vincent used to call them!

  4. Minxy

    You fucking genius!
    Never ever ever did I expect to read the words Scilon audit on a Monkie Blog. Watch out Slappy (I am not insane) McSavage doesn’t send the Squirrel Busters after you! Oooooh ooooh EMRinaRW can we have a SquirrelBusters dance next Halloween instead of Ghostbusters again. So much crazy to play with
    Ok back to reading the blog

    1. Gerry

      Yeah! That made me chuckle too.

      I’m a Harry Potter fan, though not nearly as big a one as my wife, but I don’t think I ever remember Hermione wearing her hair in bunches — Luna maybe, but not Hermione!

  5. Minxy

    Lmao you made that show so much fun I am now off to re watch it – with the proper mindset this time.
    And will pay proper attention – esp to Claud deliberately pointing out the wrong camera ppl.
    Also particularly loved that genius screen shot of Toss’s Joke face – and the background of the judges paying attention and laughing along


    1. Louise

      Gleb looks more like Prince Edward from Enchanted than the bloke from Maleficent to me.

      I’m not even watching the show this year (they lost me at Peter Andre), but I still read the recaps for funsies. I will watch the odd routine on Youtube if it seems like it was particularly good (or particularly hilarious), but I can’t be doing with watching the whole show any more.

  6. Seronie

    I’ve a bad feeling that Anita and Katie will be long gone before Kellie and Peter (as does our pollsters). This is made worse by the kicking Anita and Katie get from the judges if they so much as look in the wrong direction, and the err, consistency of the other two.

    And with Carol and Jeremy rising popularity waves, could be as early as next week!

  7. Matt Clemson

    As soon as you mentioned Georgia looking orange I couldn’t get oompa-loompas out of my head. With Strictly’s tanning they really shouldn’t go with green hair.

  8. Agrippina

    Anita is my clear favourite now and I am getting really annoyed by the fact that she’s being undermarked. There is no way, CRAIG, that her dance deserved the same score as Jamelia’s.

    I’m thinking back to last year’s “which new pros would you like to keep” poll, and I voted to keep Trent and Tristan (because he’s fit) but lose Joanne. I now feel I’m being punished for my shallowness and would give a considerable chunk of my rent money to have seen Trent partnering Jamelia. Just imagine!

  9. Gerry

    Have your voters gone stark staring bonkers, Monkseal, or is it just the amnesiac effect of using too much brain bleach? Peter more of a drone than Jason? You’ve got to be kidding me, folks!!!

    Even post brain bleach I can distinctly remember wanting to chew my own leg off and beat myself to death with it after a Donovan Drone-off — Andre is a much milder annoyance and certainly nowhere approaching the Vogon poetic level of Queen Priscilla of the non Argentine non tango fame!

    1. missfrankiecat

      I too voted for Jason in the drone-off comp. Peter is but an amateur in comparison. Although I will say, Jason did at least turn in some more memorable dancing to compensate – that Tango is still in my top 10.

      1. Gerry

        As you may have gathered from my comments, I considered that Argentine tango one of the worst I have witnessed on Strictly and that opinion was thoroughly reinforced by the experts on the Digital Spy Argentine tango thread — a Judge Dredd face does not a tango make!

        Don’t listen to the likes of Len Goodman on the AT — he wouldn’t know one if it bit him in the pickled walnuts — instead compare it with any of the ATs performed by Flavia and Vincent, a couple who *really* know the dance.

        If you didn’t get to see them in “Dance ‘Til Dawn”, the final AT in particular, get tickets to see “The Last Tango” if you possibly can — you may not get another chance because this is their swansong before they retire from anything more strenuous than the odd exhibition or teaching session (if you’ve seen Flavia’s poor feet or Vincent’s battered and bruised legs after what extended world class tangoing can do to them you’ll understand why they’re calling it a day at last)

    2. Dancing cake

      I agree with you both but I think Peter Andre is going to get more desperate every week and the number of dull wordy words will increase accordingly.

  10. Lesley Rigg

    I know, I know, but I’m really starting to love having Tristan and Jamelia around. Not necessarily for dancing reasons, just for the pure pleasure of watching them doing their relationship building on ITT, and for this I am deeply ashamed….

    Loved the Jezza, Anita – can happily stand a few more weeks of those two.

  11. Sue Howarth

    I am loving the relationship between Karen and Jeremy, happy for them to stay in a while longer
    Janette did a foxtrot AS with Michael in The Peoples Strictly which was my favorite dance
    Joanne Clifton is brilliant at Choreo corner, I am finally warming to her and learning stuff
    I will stick my neck out and predict Carol and Kellie in the dance of next

  12. DJ Mikey

    Have Helen’s ever looked more like they were painted on? Did Tristan and Jamelia have a seizure during their routine? God knows it would explain a lot!! Can we start pre-emptively voting Jamelia off and save a lot of hassle?

    Katie and Anton’s Paso was just acres of YAWN!! Get her back in real ballroom NOW, I’m expecting very good things from her quickstep.

    Kirsty’s Charleston was everything that Sophie E-B’s wasn’t, i.e. Bad, Uneventful, Unmemorable and All Round Painful to watch. Also Bram Stoker’s Dracula, it’s Lucy Westenra – I will do unspeakable things if you get it wrong again.

    Jeremy’s Salsa was some kind of indescribable AMAZING!!!

    Anita’s Waltz was everything I’ve ever wanted in a dance themed around a movie I loathe. I hated the movie, loved the dance, seriously considering starting an online petition to prohibit Gleb from break dancing any more.

    Jamelia’s Jive was just MEH, I have no words this abomination should have been prevented from ever happening.

    Jay’s American Smooth was lacking. I can’t explain it but I was expecting something amazing from him and Aliona, but instead I got this bland beigeness of a dance.

    Every week I end Kellie’s performance with the same question, “OMG, why aren’t you dead yet?” I feel like Kevin is actively trying to obliterate Geek Culture for me, as a Geek I find this terribly upsetting.

    Also Danny Dyer for Strictly 2016!!!

    Carol holds the dubious honour of being the first women to perform a Blokerumba. She’s very nice and likeable, but I fear that won’t keep her in the competition after Jamelia goes she be in direct competition with Jeremy and she’ll be slaughtered.

    OK, it took until week 5 but Georgia and Giovanni somewhere along the way stopped irritating me. Georgia’s Tango was so much WRONG, but I still bloody loved it. She was clearly enjoying herself and it really showed.

    Peter danced, I wondered “How much longer will I have to put up with this twit?” So he’s actually the re-incarnation of Jason Donovan. Then he was over scored and I wondered “What purpose do the judges actually serve on this show?”

    Aljaz was unable to distract me this week, so I noticed Helen’s Samba hip action was actually very good.

    1. DJ Mikey

      Have Helen’s eyes ever looked more like they were painted on? Did Tristan and Jamelia have a seizure during their routine? God knows it would explain a lot!! Can we start pre-emptively voting Jamelia off and save a lot of hassle?

    2. monkseal Post author

      I don’t think I’ve ever seen an Angelina Jolie film all the way through. Not sure if this is a badge of honour or not.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Sometimes an actor just finds their role like how Andie McDowell apparently isn’t awful in Magic Mike XLLLXL

  13. Elsa

    We must have Danny Dyer paired with Ola Jordan for Strictly 2016!!! The Beeb likes leaking stories to the Daily Mail, as per James, so this should be a match made in tabloid heaven for them.

    Oh and I was thinking the same thing as Sue Howarth above – I think the waltz can be dull; every week they have made Kellie as ugly as they can manage hair/costume wise, and then there was that ridiculous table – I don’t think Kevin is that stupid… So I too predict a Kellie/Carol danceoff so we can see Kellie biting that beleaguered bottom lip to squelch her fury again (hopefully the first of many times).

    We’ll see how clever the producers really are if they can get one of the betters down there against Carol – Jamelia v Carol would be too fricking predictable and dull, not to mention cruel to Jamelia and there would be whispers of racism and all that… so better to protect her and dump Carol and maybe even Jeremy first and then finally set her free in relative dignity against one of those (more-or-less) betters.

  14. Elsa

    I’m already wavering on my prediction after reading that Georgia has had the worst position by far in the running order of everybody, including Carol and Jeremy, and she has to split the soap vote with Kellie plus she has a brand new pro who isn’t getting as much attention as Gleb.

    So now I think Georgia will probably be in the Dance Off with either Carol or Jamelia (to avoid the horror of yet another successful dance-off for Jamelia which is getting ridiculous…) I guess the Kevin’s first dance-off storyline may have to wait… (sorry to overpost here – I’ve been banned from Digital Spy I think – or the Beta crap has defeated me – in any case, it’s high time I depart anyhow – and I’ll try not to be a pest here)

    1. BeyonceCastle

      How do you get banned from DS?! Their mods were a bit slow yesterday. I think you may well be right with Georgia. Gipsy kings is okay for a samba but if the Jez/Carol fandom continues it will be G vs Jamelia again with the latter going.

  15. BeyonceCas

    Best recap this series Chris, 10,10,10,12 A Carol/Donny 42 for you Sir.
    That Halloween vid was something else. I’ll see your Slutty Pizza and raise you a KFC bucket fanny (3 kids, no costume required. Terrifying).
    The opening group dance was indeed shambolic (still sulking about the music choices). Anton really did get swizzed compared with Artem’s phantom. Wish Nat had done the “We’re doing this at Halloween schtick” though, would have loved to have seen Ainsley lurch through a routine or do a Dr Kananga paso (but Caroline used that music last year so would have been vetoed).
    Now if Ains had been with Oti we could have had a spooky Dr Facilier/Tiana number. Ah well.
    Loved the Tommy Cooper hands screenshot. Did think The Cure’s forest would have made a decent track as it happens (for Janette’s sodding tree nymph maybe) or Lovecats and someone swap accessories with Claudia.
    I am guilty of going Ooooohhhh at the glitter in Gleb’s face ( I have liked all the blowing glitter in the sleb promos, sorry) and the nerf gun streamers and the whizzbangs. I am easily distracted.
    Anita’s goosestepping did take me back to my traumatised childhood where I played the evil witch at primary school in an old Halloween witch dress and some patent boots and my mum’s gloves. I came ahht as Len would say, hamming it up like Kevin on ketamine, stomping onto stage in what I perceived to be an evil enough manner when one of my sister’s mates shouted: Ooh look, it’s Hitler! and brought the house down. Thanks for bringing back that repressed memory Chris 😉

  16. Elsa

    Well I made some snippy reply to a poster who was annoying me on the racism crap and said poster said he was leaving the forum… oy vey. But it could also be that I can’t figure out what’s going on with browsers, clearing cookies, the Beta or new version of DS, etc…. Maybe it’ll clear up for me but I post too much anyway so no big deal.

    Anyway, I’m pretty thoroughly convinced that if Jamelia’s in the danceoff Saturday, it won’t be with Carol due to how awful that would be for her to be in so many DO’s. Now that I’m thinking (i.e. overthinking) this situation, didn’t Georgia look odd in that tango – the extremely ugly plain brown dress – not even any sequins! – and strange dredlocks. It’s like they were trying to ugly her up (or at least make her unmemorable.) And just when Giovanni got his face sweat sorted !!!! 😦 Well, there’s time for a turnaround but if the fanbase isn’t there, she’ll probably be an early out.

    1. BeyonceCastle

      The dress was bobbins. Not even matching brown of Gio’s outfit. She could have been put in vampy Sigourney red velvet dress dammit and then in character as not wanting to tango with Venkman’s sex pest (gio!) so a proper scornful tango but no, they cover her in ectoplasm wearing a clothsack/dressed as an overgrown girl guide.

  17. BeyonceCastle

    Having read this recap a second time to cheer myself up (kids are sick, it’s stupid o’clock and my baby thinks boobography is a thing now rather than just straightforward breastfeeding) I would like to change my vote for crap vt from being Jay’s to that very very crap rubber bat prop. I am also torn between Attack of the 50ft Jeremy and Faster! Rihanoff Kill! Kill! because Jez is now only ever seen as Slenderman in this house. The Jolie-Pitts could repeat their it’s all John baby tango from Mr and Mrs Smith. Then Jason G. could ruin it all by declaring a Benjamin Button themed dance with Angie as a septuagenarian rumbaing with young Benjamin.
    Kevin and Kellie should have done the time warp as Brad and Janet to be honest. Him in nerd glasses, her in a negligee. Sorted. Particularly as Tristan in those striped troos and blackened eyes looked more like Beetlejuice. Poor Kell/Dougal was pissed off with those sevens before hastily saying she’d take them. Can’t help but think they would have done better with a straightforward Viennese to Hedwig’s theme.
    Still love Aliona’s Halloween nontango with Harry and thought she looked stunning with Jay on Saturday. Jay did look wolfish at start and end but needed to look a bit more lustful in the middle, that’s what I took characterisation to mean 🙂
    Carol got pity votes for that dance and song. She could have been given a rumba to Bryan’s Heaven, but no , a shit sarnie of music and concept which is to be served again on Saturday…an american smooth to Shania! Lord have mercy . Isn’t it moonlight sonata in Misery? Not sure a hobbling waltz would work but there could have been some bedography nicking Sunetra’s bed from last Halloween (how smug must she be feeling right now?!). Plus she could have chased Jason G. with the hammer screaming See! Look what you made me do! In other news Bruce Willis is currently on Broadway playing Mr Man and Jackie from Roseeanne doing the hobbling.
    If it transfers to London I am coming over to see it.
    Think Kirsty was a goner but Brenda’s panto “Oh no they aren’t” sealed the deal.
    Georgia had green dreads presumably cos Slimer/Gio had slimed her with ectojizz during Draculay/The hills have japs eyes/Wet dream on Elm St (the last one is a thing).
    I await Helen in character as a heartbroken not letting it go stalker wearing her Helena Bonham Carter garb for Saturday’s rumba (Hello!) and being called a Slummy mummy. Meanwhile I am going to check out Aljaz’s Wuthering breeches once again. Night x
    Incidentally if Agent Orange ever fell down on the dancefloor and noone was there to hear him, would he still make a sound? Categorically yes. A long monologuing spiel to a non-audience* of how he was going to learn from this trip and how a fall was for life, not just for Xmas and he would use his pain to create and he was grateful for the experience and…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
    *not that I am guilty of verbal diarrhoea and comments hijacking, oh no.

  18. Elsa

    Enjoyed your recaps DJ Mikey & Beyonce. BTW, here is Tristan, in his own words, explaining that Beetlejuice costume choice: ” At the beginning I didn’t particularly fancy doing that dance or song purely because Brendan had done it before and I think it was expected that that is the character you played but I didn’t want that and I 100% was never going to be the other fella from the film so I said we would be in the vein of the couple from the film as copyright is prohibited – haha. On the night everyone was then done up like dollies so it ended up being an attempt to get as close to Beetlejuice as I could before anyone noticed!! In the end the only thing Rocky was the haunted house and the song.”

    1. BeyonceCastle

      Poor poor Tristan. Collaboration my fat behind, he never seems to get a song he likes. Mama bloody mia, Celine Dion, rocky horror. I would have loved to have seen him as Frank N. Further but as Chris would say #family show. Thing is with Beetlejuice (and I am really pleased you confirmed that and it wasn’t just me) they could have done a samba to Jump in the line. He could have gone full Beetlejuice and she could have gone bride/goth whiteface a la Winona. Then they could have done away with the bridal group dance and done something much better instead to Monster, Vampires+Wolves, Heads will roll, People are strange, Devil went down to Georgia, Don’t fear the reaper or Werewolves of London. Curse you Jason Gilkison!

  19. Elsa

    Last year for movie week he said he was DYING to do Jump in the Line and even tweeted about it (and said that in an interview later.) He also said in a recent interview that he had a paso all planned but the producers would let him do it 😦 Tristan: “I had an idea for a particular dance and concept for a particular week but unfortunately it doesn’t fit into the week I wanted it for so that was a shame. It’s tough for the producers to make a balanced show especially when there are so many different brains working on concepts and what not. Sometimes you have to just take it on the chin and work with what role needs to be filled. I think it’s best to focus on the fact that people are working really hard to stay in the competition so sometimes you have to just hope that people, judges and viewers see past the reasoning behind choices and just support the work being put into it. I’d like to do the Paso I put together but unless there is a change of view I can’t see it happening this season”

    There are loads of interviews here and I don’t think you have to register (though it’s free):

    Just in case the baby keeps you up and you’re bored 🙂

  20. BeyonceCastle

    Aw thank you Elsa for that link. He’s very open about everything isn’t he? Wonder how he felt about Janette trotting out the party line about music on ITT. Sad to say I am not sure we will see his paso this year. Jennifer liked Abba but was that why they ended up with it? That said, based on her jive, I am not sure she was up to samba rolls. Sinitta though could have had a go….but instead gets a salsa to Charlie’s angels not even the sodding theme. Then at Halloween they go for a retread when she hasn’t had a samba yet and Beetlejuice was just as fitting as say, a hairy botter paso? He keeps being forced into a crap foxtrot song and theme, no wonder he comes across as going through the motions sometimes. It must be awfully frustrating. He also mentions the princess and the frog, even that would have made a better movie week for them ( or Halloween but Dr Faci!ier might have meant awkward voodoo face for him). Anthony didn’t want his paso music either and given his shoulder, it could have been put on hold. Yet some pros *cough Kevin cough* seem to have more creative input/choice. Even Aljaz gets the Adele track hot off the presses. Tristan will be doing the tour even if not with Jimjams? Kevin is presumably with the freshly signed up Frankie. Cannot work out how they decide these things, it just does not seem equitable. Cheers for the link.

  21. Elsa

    Do you think Tristan will do the tour? The “SCD Tour” twitter sent out a tweet the week of the Charleston asking people if they’d like to see Jamelia’s Charleston on the SCD tour. If I was more on top of this detective work, I’d go study what other comments this Tour twitter has done – but I suppose it doesn’t have to mean that they’ll definitely do the tour. And CAN she do the tour if she’s doing Loose Women in Birmingham? (probably as she’s not on every day anyway) Oh there’s so much in the air. I’m wondering if Tristan will be back in 2016 but it’s a long time to wait and see. According to an interview last week in the Irish press, Tristan and his wife now own a home in Sydney, Australia (which is new – they did live in Los Angeles). So maybe he doesn’t even want to spend 6 months in England if his wife’s in Oz (where’s I think she’s been since August, buying the new house I guess and working there as an indie director) — mercy I should mind my own business 😉 Oh I agree on the seeming unfairness of the songs Tristan’s been saddled with that he didn’t want – but I’m sure others have been stuck as well, like that ridiculous rumba to the Partridge Family that Pasha had to work around – though with Carol, what difference does the song really make lol

    1. monkseal Post author

      He did it last year and I doubt he’s high profile enough to try to strike up his own tour yet (if he even wants to) so I’m sure he’ll be there.

  22. BeyonceCastle

    I thought Tristan was the “spare” so could cover Katie, for example, as Anton does his own tour with Erin. But if I had the chance between sunning it in Sydney (DWTS Oz?) or being on my own on in the UK I’d be Down Under like a shot. You are the go-to girl for Tristan gossip! 😉 Have a great Saturday x


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