Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Week 5 Results Summary

Well this series is making Series 11 look like an MRA meeting isn’t it?

We start with an English seaside pro Charleston. There’s bathing caps, parasols, giant beachballs and Estherwilliamsography a-plenty and I might have been able to view it all as jolly good clean fun if the band’s rendition of “The Sun Has Got His Hat On” wasn’t driving me to take a hatpin to my eardrums. Also sadly, in a week where it might have been useful, the Big Recap is as useless as ever. Will we ever know what it was Bruno was drinking/smoking/snorting/injecting backstage? Whatever it was, he’s sobered up substantially for a Lenless Len’s Glans (his knee op means he can’t get up the stairs) where the mistakes in Georgia, Jamelia and Katie’s routines are all gone over and explained clearly by the three judges in attendance. ie what we sold the segment as being for! It’s only been 5 series but we finally made it!

Our special guest singer tonight is Bryan Adams, and it becomes increasingly clear over the course of the evening that Carol is a terrifying stan of his. Pretty much the entirity of the first visit to Claud 9 is her squealing over how talented and handsome he is and fanning herself at a clearly terrified Claudia. I can’t remember anything taking over a Results Show Claud 9 quite so much since Mark Wright’s (first) nervous breakdown. When he performs…he’s alright. It’s Bryan Adams (*shrug*)

Our bottom 2? Ainsley and Jamelia. Len throws his first strop of the season over how Jamelia SHOULDN’T BE THERE, THE PUBLIC WUZZ WRONG. Len, the remaining ratio of people who can dance to people who can’t is 7 : 4. Save this strop for a week you might need it, rather than over JAMELIA, it’ll lose all impact. You know, more than it already has. Ainsley goes, as you might expect, despite both of them horribly biffing the dance-off leaving us with 8 women and 3 men left going into Hallowe’en Week. Truly this isn’t just the YEAR OF THE WOMAN but the whole damn era of it.


8 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Week 5 Results Summary

  1. Agrippina

    Well, any anti-man bias this year is more than made up for by the fact that they make the female pros do humiliating group dances dressed in a few scraps of elastic and a value pack of hankies between them.

  2. BeyonceCastle

    Not sure the menz came out of that group dance much better tbh but now looking forward to a Kellis-Alanis-Bikini Kill misandry mash-up involving the male pros on podiums/in cages whilst having popcorn thrown at them and lots of finger pointing/pissed wrists with a bit of Dance!monkeyboy dance!/faster pussycat kill!kill! thrown in. Look, it can’t be much worse than the last two group dances, can it?

    All I really want is a decent Halloween dance to Heads will roll or Don’t fear the reaper. I am hoping that bleating on about this on a daily basis will bore the universe into submission. Cosmic ordering stylee. (Starts channelling Jay/Noel).

    1. DJMikey80

      Bad – No – No! Nobody is looking forward to anything Kellie does, Ever!!

      I actually feel bad for her, because nothing was going to surpass Jay’s Jive – True Fact!!! Jay’s Paso was probably one of the best dances of the night, the lack any real emotion hindered him but in a technical sense he’s absolutely the best dancer.

      1. BeyonceCastle

        DWTS Lebanon did a quickstep to it!!!
        Me personally, I would like a Viennese waltz, lots of spinning for two minutes basically. But if a time signature is not doable to that then I would settle for a rumba to the very slow and sinister cover version by Gus, used in Scream. (Sorry. You did ask! 😉 )
        But knowing my bloody luck I’d end up with a jive with the jive bunny remix and never be able to hear the song ever again.

  3. Fenweasel

    Not only did they sober up Bruno faster than Darcy can say “the boys are right”, they also wiped the offending comments from iplayer. Really, though, if they’re going to start editing out the bits people might find appalling, they’re going to end up with a very short show – you’d have to take out most of the things Bruno says, and Len, the judges doing the bloody Strictly, obviously any clips of Tess attempting to interact in any way with humans, at least 90%of the VTs, 100% of the blokerumbas and anything involving trayography, poolcueography or Anton’s party Latin. Basically, we’ll be left with a few ballroom dances and Claudia. Not a bad idea for a show.

    1. monkseal Post author



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