Well if it’s the Week Of Anything, this week feels very much like the Week Of Bruno, although I’m not sure if it’s in a good way or a bad way. He jabbers incoherently, he slams half of the couples so hard that even Craig tells him to lay off, and then he caps the evening off by yelling “BOLLOCKS”, making Tess display the first genuine emotion she has in 13 series. The emotion is hate. In a way, it’s a good thing that Bruno is here to provide…content, because tonight is nobody else’s finest hour other than *crosses self* Kirsty who, after taking longer to get down the stairs at the beginning of her dance than Darcey does when doing The Strictly, dances a Viennese Waltz that in points approaches competence. Yup, that’s what we’re topping out at this evening, Kirsty’s finest hour being a decent Viennese Waltz. Strap yourselves in.
Some of the failures are predictable – Peter Andre Peter Andre’s his way through a very spiky and stompy rumba to Ed Sheeran that is thankfully at leasy far less cheesy sentimental than I was expecting, Jamelia’s back in a dance (foxtrot) that requires discipline and synergy with her dance partner so GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, Katie and Anton are doing Party Latin salsa whilst dressed as Jonathan & Jennifer Hart (although unlike her last latin dance she’s actually DOING STUFF so well done Katie), the sheer out of control rampaging bulk of Ainsley makes a jive impossible, and after weeks and weeks of dodging it, Jeremy finally has to assay getting into propah ballroom hold with a woman 3 feet shorter than him in the waltz. It does not go well. Oh and Carol comes the closest anyone’s ever come to vomiting at the climax of their Viennese Waltz ever. Her legs go wobbly, her face turns green, she loses the choreography utterly but…no upchuck. So, disappointing on two levels then.
Our frontrunners mishaps come from a number of directions. Anita gives possibly her best performance yet in the tango but it’s all overshadowed by the fact that she’s dressed up like a Klingon ice dancer and the judges can talk about nothing else (also it’s becoming increasingly apparent that she and Gleb have the sort of relationship that defines “professional distance” I think). Georgia does a fast and fun disco(/salsa) number to “You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)” (YAHS) but just can’t get the lifts right no matter how hard she tries, with all of them clunking into the routine like an overthought afterthought somehow. Helen and Jay both have performance issues – the former’s madness somehow works against her for the first time in the quickstep as she rictus-grins through the whole thing so hard I worry she might actually manage to chip her own teeth and the later does a very precise and elegant rock paso doble without the touch of hamminess and chutzpah needed to push it over the top. Finally Kellie suffers from inflated expectations, as her jive fails to live up to her It Takes Two training footage, involving as it does too mch nonsensical faffing with a suitcase and her running fatally low on stamina towards the end. Still, she can draw enough strength again shortly afterwards to scream her head off at her scores again.
Onwards and upwards to Hallowe’en I guess!