Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Week 5 Performance Summary

Well if it’s the Week Of Anything, this week feels very much like the Week Of Bruno, although I’m not sure if it’s in a good way or a bad way. He jabbers incoherently, he slams half of the couples so hard that even Craig tells him to lay off, and then he caps the evening off by yelling “BOLLOCKS”, making Tess display the first genuine emotion she has in 13 series. The emotion is hate. In a way, it’s a good thing that Bruno is here to provide…content, because tonight is nobody else’s finest hour other than *crosses self* Kirsty who, after taking longer to get down the stairs at the beginning of her dance than Darcey does when doing The Strictly, dances a Viennese Waltz that in points approaches competence. Yup, that’s what we’re topping out at this evening, Kirsty’s finest hour being a decent Viennese Waltz. Strap yourselves in.

Some of the failures are predictable – Peter Andre Peter Andre’s his way through a very spiky and stompy rumba to Ed Sheeran that is thankfully at leasy far less cheesy sentimental than I was expecting, Jamelia’s back in a dance (foxtrot) that requires discipline and synergy with her dance partner so GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, Katie and Anton are doing Party Latin salsa whilst dressed as Jonathan & Jennifer Hart (although unlike her last latin dance she’s actually DOING STUFF so well done Katie), the sheer out of control rampaging bulk of Ainsley makes a jive impossible, and after weeks and weeks of dodging it, Jeremy finally has to assay getting into propah ballroom hold with a woman 3 feet shorter than him in the waltz. It does not go well. Oh and Carol comes the closest anyone’s ever come to vomiting at the climax of their Viennese Waltz ever. Her legs go wobbly, her face turns green, she loses the choreography utterly but…no upchuck. So, disappointing on two levels then.

Our frontrunners mishaps come from a number of directions. Anita gives possibly her best performance yet in the tango but it’s all overshadowed by the fact that she’s dressed up like a Klingon ice dancer and the judges can talk about nothing else (also it’s becoming increasingly apparent that she and Gleb have the sort of relationship that defines “professional distance” I think). Georgia does a fast and fun disco(/salsa) number to “You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)” (YAHS) but just can’t get the lifts right no matter how hard she tries, with all of them clunking into the routine like an overthought afterthought somehow. Helen and Jay both have performance issues – the former’s madness somehow works against her for the first time in the quickstep as she rictus-grins through the whole thing so hard I worry she might actually manage to chip her own teeth and the later does a very precise and elegant rock paso doble without the touch of hamminess and chutzpah needed to push it over the top. Finally Kellie suffers from inflated expectations, as her jive fails to live up to her It Takes Two training footage, involving as it does too mch nonsensical faffing with a suitcase and her running fatally low on stamina towards the end. Still, she can draw enough strength again shortly afterwards to scream her head off at her scores again.

Onwards and upwards to Hallowe’en I guess!


39 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Week 5 Performance Summary

    1. missfrankiecat

      I’m pretty liberal with adult folk ingesting pretty much what they wish as long as they do their job ok – but Bruno was embarrassing tonight. He actually made Tess look professional and me like her. That is unforgivable.

  1. Pops

    I’m looking forward to the longer recap, and the chance to see Tess’s death glare towards Bruno captured in all its glory.
    I think Kellie is good on EastEnders, but her acting failed her a bit when she had to seem happy with Craig’s 8. Full normal, shrieking service was quickly resumed though.

  2. DeltaBlues

    I hope you manage to screen grab Jamelia’s epic eye roll at Darcey’s seven…even she knew she was hugely overmarked.

    Otherwise, the night was all about Aljaz’s trousers for me *fans self*

    1. DJMikey80

      Once again Aljaz managed to completely distract me from anything Helen was doing.

      Week 1 – He distracted me by existing and being gorgeous.
      Week 2 – He distracted me by dressing up as a grubby mechanic.
      Week 3 – He distracted me by wearing glasses and looking gorgeous.
      Week 4 – He distracted me by forcing me to wonder why he couldn’t lose the shirt completely.
      Week 5 – He distracted me by wearing the best trousers, that had to be painted on – EVER!!

    2. DJMikey80

      I hope he screen grabbed the quite brilliant look (of pain) on Tristan’s face (timestamp 40ish seconds on the YouTube video). I love how they’ve gone from a realistic portrayal of Tristan and Jamelia’s partnership, to a marriage proposal (it’s so freaking ridiculous that even Lewis Caroll’s opium addled mind couldn’t concoct it). Tristan completely fails at not looking like he wishes somebody would shoot him, throughout most of the dance – so it’s massively entertaining.

  3. Minxy

    What I really really hate (apart from the woeful lack of the Man in the Hat – I miss waving to him – btw has Brenda fallen out with the band and WARdrobe? Who thanks them these days? Well Gleb did tonight but ..)
    What I really hate
    Is the bloody lighting
    Yes it is very snazzy, yes it is very expensive
    Jeez half the time I can’t even see the dancers, they get lost in the background
    Especially when WARdrobe dresses them to match

    But despite the overall flatness I did enjoy seeing who was really working and learning

    Poor Katie – that wasn’t your best dance love, but you still out danced Anton! His age is really showing now even, nay, especially in the ballroom. Loved the pisstake VT and that a so called fan actually proved they have seen the show and flipped the assinine, expected storyline!

    Jeremy didn’t look like a zombie to me. Tonight I finally realised what, apart from his dyspraxia, makes him look weird.
    He always looks like he is dancing on stilts!
    So kudos to him. That and dyspraxia and his sheer joy
    Karen, bless her goat legs, really does manage to get some bloody good (considering) routines out of no hopers – if they give it some. But, yeah, the waltz wasn’t his best – but it also wasn’t the worst we have ever seen

    I liked Craig tonight – no faux over the top bitchery for effect.

  4. Minxy

    And ffs Toss
    Let Jaypet go

    You look desperate
    He is trying to get away from you
    If that was a male host and female contestant ….

  5. BeyonceCastle

    The suitcase thing was crap. I get the concept, both were trying to make a grab for it (I think) but unlike Torvill and Dean stealing a hat from each other ON ICE!! ON SKATES!! Throughout the routine! Kevin had a lacklustre grab at it once before Kellie waves it victoriously in the air at the end. Fair ‘buff, you couldn’t grab it and tussle while jiving but it just seemed weird, although not as weird as Kellie hiding in a hatstand. Spooks it ain’t.

    1. RhetoricAlley

      I just didn’t get that jive. Secret agent theming, with Charleston (/dancing on ice) costumes, with bowler hats (Thomas Crown Affair?), with music that didn’t match ANY of it. The dancing could have been perfect and I’d still have come away feeling that it all looked like a total mess.

      On the plus side, I guess we pried Kevin out of the 40s/50s/60s finally.

      1. monkseal Post author

        Nah, that styling was early 70s at the latest. The “Spy Who Came In From The Cold” reference dated it.

  6. catherinehirst

    You know how you don’t recap Bruno’scomments in the final, but instead just give one screen cap of his ridiculously over the top facial expressions?

    …can you start doing that every week from now on?

    Anita AGAIN undermarked, Helen AGAIN overmarked (could have driven a lorry between them at points of that quickstep), and I did think Jay was undermarked as well even though his scores were good. They couldn’t fault him for his technical skills, footwork, shaping, hands, arms, etc, only for his face. His body sold the performance – he stalked her across the floor, his stance was menacing – but his face didn’t match. Surely that’s one point off, not two? Should have been 9s all around. I really don’t think this is my ovaries talking.

    Aljaz’s trousers: DISTRACTING.

  7. catherinehirst

    Ps. I actually really liked Peter’s VT. I thought was a great idea to take still photos of the rumba stances and help him correct them on the spot. Finally a VT about the actual dance!

  8. KM

    Katie’s salsa definitely brought Laila’s jive to mind – it was made to look even worse by the impression that neither one of the participants had a clue what they were doing (I’ve just watched it back and Anton’s complete lack of hip action throughout is quite mesmerising).

    I suppose she’s getting the worst of the party latin out the way while there’s lots of deadwood still floating around – ditto Peter and the blokerumba (I can’t believe that Janette would have gone 5 weeks without a lifts spectacular if it wasn’t tactical in some way).

    There weren’t any real standout moments for me- although my Virgin Media box did have a temporary meltdown during Anita’s dance and the 5 seconds I saw of it looked like something I would love but a non-painkillered Len would hate?

    1. KM

      Actually I just watched Anita’s back and I’m a tad underwhelmed – it starts promisingly but once they get into it, the mad theming just clashes with the performance instead of elevating it 😦

  9. Dancing Cake

    I really ought to know this by now, but do the pros have any choice over when they do each dance are they just told by the producers (as in “this week you’re doing the jive”)? Cos it would make a lot of sense (as KM said) for Anton and Katie to get all the Latin out of the way as early as possible.

    I want to go on to the Daily Mail site to see if they have called Bruno’s bollocks something like “Shameless BBC programme disgusts license payers” but I can’t bring myself to go there 🙂 so will just wait for the next issue of Private Eye.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Robin said in his TOO HOT FOR YOUTUBE interview that they did get some control, although I imagine in an “we’ll ask Evil Moira & Uncle Jason what they think and if we promise to be good we can have it” sort of way.

  10. BeyonceCastle

    They seem to give Darcy a harder time for interrupting/being sexist than outrage over “flamboyant” Bruno. Not very mail at all actually, no pitchforks or anything. The producers liaise with the pros regarding balance of. Music and concept so…the producers then!

  11. Carl

    Anita pleasantly surprised me. I know it’s tiresome to go on about the woman being ignored for other women who are prefab faves, but I’m tempted here. She has such a cool detachment to her in the tango that I connect to.

    Helen also surprised me – not in a good way. Her top was distractingly terrible (were her breasts supposed to be pulsating against sheer fabric like she was about to pop out like one of those ’80s movies about the pervy teenager who gets telekinetic powers or was that just an odd lighting and wardrobe mishap?), and she and Aljaz were practically dancing in different rooms. I don’t just mean the gapping, I mean the chemistry, everything. It was just not good. The singing also made my ear hurt.

    Reading comments you-know-where before seeing the dance (Jay had a tantrum, Jay walked instead of danced, etc.) I was expecting his paso to be much worse. His arms and footwork were terrific and he had a strong charisma. I prefer it to the screamy yelly stompy pasos of most men, unless they are named Austin Healy. I do see what people are saying about lack of performance, but it’s still one of the better pasos I can remember over the years.

  12. JAG

    I totally agree, couldn’t believe the marks for Peter Andre compared to Jay. One of them can really dance, the other…. not so much. While I appreciate the rumba is difficult to pull off (didn’t exactly take to it myself when I had a few lessons) I’d be willing to bet good money that Jay will be able to do it. Was such a shame about that stupid quickstep last week as I had been looking forward to sitting back and enjoying all of his dances.

    Have been reading this for years and enjoyed many happy hours howling with laughter at your comments and pics Monkseal (bows). Don’t always have time to read the whole recap but if I need cheering up this is where I go.
    PS Whoever said Helen was Looby Loo from Andy Pandy, thank you! It was driving me crazy during the results show trying to think who she reminded me of.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I think Peter’s marks were part Len and Darcey refusing to slag off a blokerumba and partly Craig being Peter’s biggest fan (up til now, when apparently he’s had a sudden volte face and is doing the press rounds saying Peter’s been a massive letdown with “no it factor”) (Oh Craig)

  13. Miss Cavie

    I spent most of the show going “Oh come on, it wasn’t that bad” followed closely by “Really? It wasn’t that good”. Seriously weird judging.

    The highlight of the evening was Tess’ basilisk like death glare at Bruno (who is strangely subdued on the results show. Must have been hauled before the powers that be for an almighty BOLLOCKING).

  14. DJMikey80

    Georgia’s Salsa was actually good/weird in a way, because as sloppy as her lifts were – her foot work was great, in fact she looked more pro than Giovanni who was very bent in the knees.


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